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Jay fumbled with the needle, aligning it just so as he’s done hundreds of times before.
When you need to inject yourself once a week for multiple years, the pinch of the skin, the held breath, the initial sting all become second nature. Sometimes he thought about switching to a less invasive method, like a gel or a patch, but that required way too much routine for his consistently distracted and chaos-addled brain.
As he released his shaky breath, a muted sort of melancholy settled onto his mind like a fog. He heard his friends in a far-off room, laughing and chattering away and felt jealousy swarm his heart. It wasn’t fair.
They all just lived. They were born into their bodies and would die in them, never agonizing over curves that didn’t belong and swells of flesh in places there shouldn’t be, a laugh that was always too airy and light, people commenting on how pretty his hair was long and how he shouldn’t have cut it. They simply got to exist.
The thought somehow hadn’t occurred to him before this moment, having already been on testosterone long before he met the rest of his make-shift and scrambled together family. His parents had been confused, a tad wary, even, but they supported him nonetheless and helped him travel into the city for his appointments. He hadn’t needed to think that his friends would see him as anything less than who he was. But now that seed was planted, and it was a weed. A weed that was not so easily rid of.
It was Kai that noticed something off first. The laughter coming from the red-headed comic sounded hollower, sounded more forced. Deeper, even? His eyebrows scrunched as he listened to Jay talk. He didn’t know what, but something was off.
Jay had been out as trans for a while to the rest. Once Cole had accidentally let it slip that he was gay, there wasn’t much doubt in his mind that his team wouldn’t particularly care what his sex of origin was. And he was right: really the only thing that changed was that it was marked on the kitchen calendar when they needed to go into the city to pick up Jay’s testosterone prescription. It didn’t take a genius to see that the team cared way more for Jay the individual than for Jay as his birth sex.
That being said… why was he posturing? Had someone said something to him? Kai pondered stealing Jay’s phone and going through his Chirp search history when he was snapped out of his thoughts.
“Kai? You good?” Cole asked with an amused lilt to his tone. Zoning out was typically more of a Jay thing.
“Huh? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Kai leaned back on the counter, Jay giving him a bit of a suspicious eye. Shit, he knows I noticed. “Probably didn’t get enough sleep last night, y’know?”
Zane scolded him for a poor sleep schedule, but Kai wasn’t really listening. All he could focus on was how Jay looked away with a tinge of red on his cheeks. Yup, definitely hiding something.
It was later that week when Kai finally remembered his intent to catch Jay alone at a time when he could actually do so. Zane had taken Cole, Lloyd, and Nya shopping with him to acquire ingredients for Lloyd’s birthday. Cole was there for the sweet tooth input, and Nya was there to smack him on the shoulder when he tried to influence Lloyd’s choices. Jay had originally volunteered to go too all those days ago, but had opted out last minute. “Weird stomach pains” was his reasoning, which Kai had raised an eyebrow at but had volunteered to stay home to keep watch. Well, and to corner his friend.
Kai had left him alone for a little while. Sipping tea in the kitchen, chai with a little added cinnamon to be exact, he tried to puzzle out what he wanted to say to Jay. He was well aware that Jay knew he cared for him, it was just about the tact. And Kai was terrible at tact. Once his tea cup was empty, he knew he had no excuse now, and padded along the hallway to the bedroom door that belonged to Jay. There was a little scribbled Pikachu drawing made by Lloyd when he was younger tacked up on the wood, signed in messy crayon with a little evil smiley face. With a deep breath, Kai knocked.
“Come in,” Jay’s voice sounded, but it sounded odd. Had he been crying? Kai cracked open the door and poked his head in, Jay laying under the covers in a curled up position, still in his pajamas.
“How’re you feeling?” Kai asked sincerely, and Jay gave a one-shouldered shrug.
“Dunno. Better I guess, but it still hurts.”
Jay was full of shit, he looked terrible. If this was better, then what awful state was he in before?
“What’s actually wrong? Maybe I can get you some ice or medicine or something.”
Silence greeted him. For once, Kai didn’t quip back, and instead sat on the corner of the bed, facing outward but still angled enough so he could turn his head and look Jay square in the eyes. He didn’t for now.
Minutes passed. Jay had shut his eyes and was taking shuddering breaths, eyes scrunched. Tough boy act, Kai figured. It took a rather hard flinch and a curl inward for Kai to cave.
“Okay, seriously Jay, I’ll call an ambulance or something because you look like you’re getting
fucked
with, dude. I can’t just sit here when you’re like this.”
“No!” Jay burst, but caught himself. “No, it’s fine. It’s just, um,” He paused, eyes flicking to the side. “Cramps. I still sometimes get them even though I don’t actually have a proper cycle anymore. They’re just really bad this time.”
“Oh,” Kai said, although it was more choked out than he would’ve liked. “Well, uh, do you want a heating pad? Some meds? Tea? Nya never asked me for help much but I know a bit.”
“Actually, some meds and a heating pad would be great,” Jay admitted, a bit surprised by the lack of disgust from his friend. Kai nodded, and left, returning a few minutes later with a bottle of water, a pill bottle, and a rice bag he had thrown in the microwave. He set down the pad on Jay’s leg for him to grapple with and the rest on the nightstand, backing off a little once he was done to give him space.
Jay gulped down a few very quickly, eager to get the medicine into his stomach. He shifted over to one side of the bed in an unspoken invitation to his friend, and Kai took the offer, sitting against the headboard as Jay closed his eyes in relief from the heating pad.
“Ah… blissful heat.” Jay hummed, his body relaxing. Kai could practically see the built-up hours and hours of tension melting into the sheets. “Thanks man. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with that shit.”
Kai could’ve sworn he saw those words hit Jay like a brick. The tentatively content expression quickly melted into something darker, a hollow laugh sounding from his lips before he squeezed his eyes shut again.
“Hey, uh, you good?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Jay, I’m not stupid.”
Kai knew he hit the nail on the head. Jay flinched, opening his eyes guiltily.
“So, now that you know that I know something’s wrong, what’s the deal?”
“It’s dumb,” Jay sighed, and Kai sort of wanted to throttle him. “I’m just being weird.”
“What’s new?” Kai asked blankly, and Jay huffed. “Whatever, seriously, you don’t have to be scared of me judging you. I’ve noticed you acting more macho lately, which is weird because you didn’t really seem to be into that stuff before.”
“Uh, yeah. It’s weird, but when I did my last shot I just had this out of the blue realization that you guys don’t have to worry about the stuff I do. Y’know, like all of the years of really bad dysphoria and stuff.”
Kai hummed in sympathy, feeling a little bad he was so pushy with it when it was something so sensitive.
“Jay, you know we don’t think of you any differently, yeah?”
“I know, I know. That’s why it’s stupid,” Jay felt the tears coming on again. He’d never been too good at this intimate feelings thing. “You guys are so good to me but I still feel like I have to prove it.”
The unspoken meaning of “it” lingered, Kai knowing what Jay meant but also not being able to word it himself.
“That sucks. I’m sorry.”
Jay hummed in thanks, the two sitting in silence for a bit longer. It was an odd sight, the two most talkative of the bunch simply basking in the company, not concerned with filling the open air. Eventually, Kai reached over and rested a hand on Jay’s knee, bent towards his own.
“You really are my brother, Jay. We’re not blood related, but that doesn’t mean shit. You’re as much of a sibling to me as Nya is. I don’t like seeing you hurt so much over something that none of us really understand, so just let me know what I can do to help, yeah?”
“Wow, um, thank you. Really,” Jay stammered, the sentiment completely unexpected. “Once I stop feeling like this, maybe wanna go to an arcade or something? I know it sounds dumb but maybe doing something that’s a “guy thing” will help with it.”
“Sure thing, dude. Sure thing.”