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Jim is used to Spock being angry, but not when they’re in bed together. Oh, they’ve had angry sex, and intense up against a wall sex, and holy-shit-I-can’t-believe-we’re-alive sex, but not like this .
Spock didn’t let Jim kiss him. He moved his face away, tugging on Jim’s hair so his head tilted, scraping his teeth over Jim’s jaw. It’s a move he knows Jim loves, that Jim usually melts into a puddle of needy goo for, but now he’s a little too calculated. Almost mean.
Spock will kiss him , but his lips are hard as the rest of his body. It’s him saying how pissed of he is without having to use his words. His arms tightened with tensed muscle, his cock a hard line in his trousers as he pressed Jim against the wall.
Normally, Jim would slide to his knees with a smirk, and Spock would be muttering at him in a mix of Vulcan and English, rocking slowly into his mouth.
And Jim’s okay with going for it because he’s sorry . It’s hardly the first time he’s been in danger, but this time was really, really close. Bones told him that he’d lost him twice before they’d gotten him stabilized. Bones had been pretty pissed off at him too, tossing medical equipment on trays loudly enough that some of the ensigns had winced. And yeah, Jim shouldn’t have been so cocky before he beamed down, so smug that he didn’t need Spock.
He did.
Oh god, he did.
Spock bit him, then licked at the sore spot on his bottom lip, and that’s it. He can’t do this.
Jim pulls away. “That’s enough, Spock.”
Spock freezes and then steps away from him, shoulders painfully straight. Jim can see the death grip he has on his hands in the reflection of the viewport, the long, graceful fingers twisted cruelly together in anger or self-flagellation. . . Jim can’t really tell.
Jim stares at him, a little breathless, watching the muscle twitch in Spock’s jaw with teeth clenched so tightly that frankly, Jim is shocked that they don’t break.
“I.” "You." Spock’s voice is low. He stopped, seemingly floundering for a split second. “Are you. . . well?”
Jim swallowed. “Yeah, I’m fine but. . . can we. Can we sit down for a second?” His heart thuds in his chest and he's so fucking nervous.
Jim isn’t entirely sure that Spock is interested. He’s somehow just sure that Spock will just leave, and Jim knows that if he does, that will break something that Jim isn’t entirely sure can be fixed. He waited, keeping his face calm until Spock sat down. Spock sat far enough from him that it hurts. The silence stretches, grows, and becomes more awkward and heavy.
“You were dishonest with me.”
Jim felt like he’d been punched.
“Spock. . .”
Spock’s struggle to process his human emotions was something that he’d worked on endlessly. Jim knew that emotions such as anger, spite, fury, and hate would always come easier. Spock’s Vulcan self, with the self-hatred that never left him over his role in the loss of his planet, found it very difficult to process what Jim would call the softer emotions: love, hope, humor. Spock could approach any scientific setback logically, with intelligence that often left Jim breathless, yet he would likely never be able to say the words “I love you” to him. Jim understood this and accepted it. He loved Spock, and that meant loving what made them so different as much as what they had in common.
Jim opened his mouth, then closed it with a snap. Spock still sat like a statue, and Jim’s heart was doing faint summersaults in his chest and he needed-- he had to--- “Spock, can I come and sit by you?”
Spock waited so long to reply that Jim flinched, his eyes tightening with what he was pretty sure were tears. At that, he watched Spock inhale very slowly, and exhale just as slowly. Instead of answering, Spock got up and moved so that he shared the couch with Jim, and Jim felt something in him relax. Words started spewing from his mouth, without his conscious control.
“I didn’t have a choice. About it. The admiralty had me working on this under strict orders not to tell anyone. Anyone , Spock. I went there, alone and I knew it was fucked up, and I was so fucking stupid to think I could handle it and it went bad and I wanted you and Bones with me so badly but.” Jim’s voice wobbled. “I couldn’t.” Jim knew, of course, he knew, that there were very good reasons that a Captain and their XO shouldn’t be intimately involved. He’d happily pissed on the rule, throwing it away the first time Spock kissed him. The rules made a horrible sort of sense now. All he had to do was look at Spock’s face to hate himself.
Spock relaxed infinitesimally. Jim bit the inside of his cheek so that he wouldn’t just fling himself at Spock.
"Was your mission a success?”
Jim nodded. “It was, more or less. I received permission to brief you and Bones about ten minutes ago.” And he had been planning on it, on finally getting everything off his chest, but Spock had stepped into his space and pushed him against the wall, his tongue in his mouth and Jim. . . hadn’t.
Jim slowly reached out for Spock’s hand, and his stomach swooped again when Spock met him halfway, tangling their fingers together.
“I am sorry for lying to you, Spock.” Spock’s eyes shut at Jim’s soft whisper. When they opened again, all of Spock’s considerable, intense attention focused completely on him and Jim caught his breath.
Jim could feel the anger drain away from Spock’s body. Jim pulled their clasped hands to his lips and kissed Spock’s knuckles. He wanted to show Spock that he wasn’t mad at him, that he was so fucking sorry , and if there was anything that Jim knew was that Spock’s hands were sensitive enough that when Spock caught his breath again, Jim wanted to smile.
He didn’t. He kissed Spock’s next knuckle with a soft brush of his lips, then the next. He knew what Spock needed, and knew that he wouldn’t ask. Spock had always been so very careful about using his inhuman strength, and Jim understood that part of Spock’s anger was at himself for losing control. He would be thinking that Jim didn’t want his touch, or something stupid. Jim trailed his lips from Spock’s first knuckle down his pointer finger to the second knuckle, lightly scraping his teeth over the small protuberance.
“Jim. . .” Spock breathed and Jim looked up, meeting Spock’s dark gaze with his own. Jim loved the way the tips of Spock’s ears had flushed an olive green. He moved his lips down to Spock’s fingertip and watched as Spock’s eyelids fluttered at the way he sucked the tip of Spock’s finger into his mouth. With his other hand, Jim blindly grabbed for Spock’s right hand, fumbling a little when he pressed Spock’s hand to the side of his face, shivering when his fingers skated over his psi points.
Spock’s eyes widened and then Jim felt the shaking fingers move into a better position, and he smiled.
In a heartbeat, the room fell away. Spock fell away. Jim fell away. Jim had only experienced this twice; once with Spock’s counterpart and it was horrible and intense and heartbreaking. He’d experienced it with his Spock the first time they’d joined their bodies, so close that joining minds just seemed like a natural extension of who they were. They weren't Spock, and Jim, they were SpockandJim and Jim craved .
He hadn’t known how alone he was until he wasn’t.
This time, Jim tried with every fiber of his psyche to let Spock know how sorry he was for the lie. For putting himself in danger. For leaving Spock out. He didn’t hold anything back, how stupid he’d felt and cocky and how much he regretted it. How much he loved Spock, How grateful he was for his calming presence, how he knew that Spock was the other half of him. Spock's response was something Jim could feel in his very core: T'hy'la.
Jim was never sure how much Spock could pick up from him since Jim wasn’t psychic. It was intense enough from his side. He couldn’t imagine it from Spock’s perspective, although when he had asked, Spock had just kissed his neck, curling into the heat of Jim’s body, shaking and overwhelmed. Jim assumed that was why they hadn’t done it since that first time.
Spock broke the connection, and with a gasp, Jim became aware of where and who he was. Spock’s first two fingers were in his mouth, Jim sucking on them as though he needed the taste of Spock’s skin to breathe.
Instead of jerking his fingers out of his mouth, Spock actually slid them further inside, and Jim’s muffled moan seemed very loud over the quiet hum of the ship’s engine. He curled them, testing Jim’s gag reflex, and Jim sucked harder, staring wide-eyed at Spock. Spock’s cute blush from before now covered his cheeks. Spock jerked his fingers out of Jim’s mouth so that they could kiss, and Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s shoulders with a moan of his own. Their kiss was filthy. Without the anger from before, Spock licked into Jim’s mouth, running his tongue over Jim’s teeth, the roof of his mouth, his gums, sucking on Jim’s tongue until Jim was a shivering mess, trying to keep up.
Spock pulled away, coming to his feet. He pulled Jim up to stand next to him, smirking a little at the way Jim had to flail a little for balance.
“Undress.”
Jim swallowed.
Spock’s voice sounded dark and needy, and Jim had never taken off his clothes so quickly in his fucking life. Spock rewarded him with another kiss, and brushed against Jim’s psi points again, as though asking. Jim nodded, doing everything in his power to broadcast full and complete consent and Spock melded them again, but this time, Jim could feel his mouth, his hand against his naked back, the hard line of Spock’s body against him. In a heartbeat, Jim could feel desire, and want, and need, and he wasn’t sure if he nodded frantically with his head or with his whole psyche, but this time, when Spock broke the meld, Jim was bent over the back of the couch arm, knees curled under him with Spock biting kisses down the bones of his spine.
“ Fuck , Spock!” Jim braced himself over the arm of the couch so his ass was up in the air, spreading his knees so Spock had room to fuck him.
“Patience, my Jim.”
And Christ the possessive words shouldn’t make Jim tremble like that but that was Spock’s mouth on him, and fuck fuck Jim couldn’t help the way he cried out. Spock was just as relentless as he kissed him here, opening Jim’s hole with firm, filthy flicks of his tongue that made Jim feel like he was going to die. Spock rimmed him, fucking him with his tongue, then pulling out and brushing his cheek against Jim’s twitching hole, moving to suck Jim’s balls into his mouth, licking at the seam of his sack which Jim had never realized was apparently a thing, fucking fuck , but his body lit up like a fucking console. Spock pulled at the sensitive flesh, and Jim grunted, shaking. Instead of touching his cock, Spock licked back up to Jim’s hole. One finger breached him, and he was slick enough from the spit that it felt good, but Spock knew him and knew his body and Jim could only pant, clutching the leather of the couch as he heard Spock walk across the room to Jim’s bed, grabbing what Jim hoped was lube, because if Spock didn’t get inside him soon he was gonna fucking lose his goddamn mind.
“ Patience , my Jim,” Spock repeated his words, and some small part of Jim realized he must have said some of that out loud.
“I’ll beg if you need me to.”
In a heartbeat, Spock was up behind him again, pressing against Jim’s naked body with his clothed one, and Jim gasped, turning to look over his shoulder at Spock’s face.
“You will,” Spock agreed, and Jim had to close his eyes, repositioning himself so that Spock could do whatever he wanted to him. Jim wanted what Spock was promising. He wanted it more than oxygen.
The slick fingers slid inside of him, and Jim sighed. They had fucked enough that Jim’s body didn’t put up much resistance, but he still loved this stretch as Spock made room for himself inside of Jim’s body. Jim knew that fingering him was its own sort of torture. If Jim kissing his fingers was hot, what must that feel like?
Spock bent back to his ass, growling in approval when Jim balanced himself on his shoulder so that he could pull his own asscheeks apart with his hands, exposing him fully to Spock’s mouth and fingers. Spock skirted Jim’s prostate, which made Jim bite his lip. Spock only did that when he planned on massaging it later, and oh fuck . Jim’s cock twitched, a bead of precome sliding down, dripping onto the couch.
Spock bent to lick him again, spreading Jim open with the tips of his thumbs and fucking him with his tongue until Jim was trembling, trying to fuck back onto Spock’s face for some kind of friction. He couldn’t grab his own cock in this position, and every nerve inside of him was desperate to come. . . and Spock had barely gotten started.
“Fuh---fuck. Spock .”
The couch cushions squeaked as Spock leaned back, and Jim blinked a little, shocked when Spock hauled him up, flipping him over as though he didn’t weigh anything. Jim loved when Spock manhandled him around, and Spock didn’t let him down, pushing and pulling him where he wanted him. Jim blinked around a little surprised, realizing that Spock had set him onto his desk. Spock’s thin fingers, still wet with the slick they’d used, pressed lightly on Jim’s sternum, and Jim obeyed the silent command, leaning back onto his elbows, his ass pushed up to the edge of the desk. Spock kneeled in front of him, and Jim felt like a feast; about to be devoured equally with Spock’s mouth and hot gaze.
Spock loved to suck Jim’s cock.
Jim knew that he was a little bigger than the human average, but Spock clearly did not give one fuck as his mouth stretched over the head, licking at him until the thick shaft was sliding against Spock’s tongue, the spongy head butting up against the back of Spock’s throat. The first time they’d done this, Spock had been overwhelmed with the taste and scent of him, and his face had been a mess of come and saliva when he’d pulled off, gasping in deep breaths of Jim’s spunk and sweat.
When Spock sucked, Jim couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stare at him anymore without wanting to just let go. Spock pulled off of him and mouthed at his balls again, and Jim was sucking in deep, sobbing breaths, so close that he didn’t think he could hold off.
“Spock, I’m sorry but. I’m gonna. I.”
To Jim’s shock, Spock pulled off to bite the upper part of Jim’s thigh, and Jim grunted, clenching his fists. “Do not ever apologize.” God, his voice was wrecked , deeper and raspier after having Jim’s dick in his throat. He reached for the bottle of lube, wetting his fingers and rubbing it slightly, making a low sound at the slick feeling over his skin.
Jim pushed back Spock’s hair with shaking fingers, pulling him up for another kiss. His hair stuck straight up, which was hilarious. Then Spock’s lips touched his, and Jim couldn’t care less. Spock kept it light, but no less intense. Jim could taste his own preome in Spock’s mouth, and he shivered, trying to calm down enough to last more than another two minutes. Spock kissed his way down Jim’s chest and Jim sighed. He felt Spock’s hand wrap around the base of his dick, squeezing slightly before stroking him lazily, bending to suck him down again.
Spock gently guided Jim’s leg back, and Jim clung to his own thigh a little desperately. Spock’s other hand bumped against his balls, moving him slightly out of his way so that he could curl two fingers inside Jim’s wrinkled, wet hole.
This time when he pressed against Jim’s prostate, Jim cried out, freezing in place. Spock slurped at the head of his cock, sucking him while his other hand jacked him off. The fingers inside of him pressed firmly, tapping with little teasing taps while the heavy part of his hand pressed against Jim’s perineum.
“FUCK!”
Jim tried to curl around Spock’s head, but the pressure as Spock fingered him confused his body enough that he didn’t know whether to jerk forward or jerk backward. He came hard enough that his body trembled, thighs and arms and legs trembling with too much sensation. Spock made the low growling sound again as he drank him down. Spock pressed on the swollen gland inside of him, and released, repeating the action two or three times as Jim’s cock spurted thick streams into Spock’s waiting mouth.
Jim gasped when Spock pulled away from him. His muscles felt like he’d run for hours, sweat beading along his chest and forehead and on his back and ass as it slid against his desk. He watched as Spock licked him clean, glanced at his own cock, soft and wet on his thigh, then to Jim’s surprise he pressed firmly on his stomach. Jim had just enough time to suck in a shocked breath before Spock twisted his fingers, pressing firmly against his prostate again.
“Uhhhn!” Jim grunted, twitching as sensation seemed to spiral out from that point inside of him. His cock gave a feeble twitch, but Spock only quirked an eyebrow at him, licking his lips. He rubbed his cheek against Jim’s calf and started slowly fucking him with the two fingers, pulling out and tracing the rim of Jim’s hole, causing him to shiver. Spock pressed in again, and Jim felt tears spring to his eyes as he came dry, shivering and shuddering under Spock’s fingers. The tears leaked down his face and he gasped and sobbed, overstimulated and overwhelmed.
Spock stopped. Jim moaned when he didn’t feel Spock next to him, but when Spock placed the cool lip of a cup of cold water against his lips, Jim drank gratefully.
“Don’t you want to fuck me?” He managed to get the words out through a throat that felt as though he’d been moaning for hours.
“I am fucking you.” Spock leaned forward and brushed his lips against the tears that had trickled down Jim’s eyes. “Are you well? I would like to kiss you again if you are.”
Jim nodded. His lips felt numb, but he managed to wiggle closer to Spock’s mouth, only to have his Vulcan smile slightly and begin working his way back down Jim’s body. Jim knew he was gaping at him, but smugness should not be so attractive. Spock's breath was hot on his wet, puffy, slick rim and Jim stared blindly at nothing, waiting for Spock's kiss.
Jim remembered coming again, his body getting hard twice more as Spock sucked his brain out through his cock. He didn’t even know he could get hard again. He wasn’t eighteen anymore, but Spock apparently knew his body better than Jim did. He fucked him with two fingers and with his tongue until Jim’s brain went fuzzy enough that he was only aware of Spock- the feel and smell and taste of him. Jim knew he was crying again, sobbing at one part as he came dry again, and Spock would stop swirling his finger around that sweet spot inside him for a moment, let his body come back down and hush him, kiss his cheeks and tears and lips before starting everything over again. Jim had a vivid memory of Spock's cock sliding inside of him where he was so, so incredibly sensitive, of gasp and the helpless look on the Vulcan's face as he finally, finally came.
Eventually, though, Jim felt himself drifting to sleep. He knew Spock must have left for a moment because he felt a warm cloth sliding over his body, cleaning and soothing his prickly skin. He felt Spock crawl up against him, felt the rough brush of nakedness against Jim’s still-tingly body, felt Spock curl up behind him, wrapping one arm on his stomach and burying his face in the back of Jim’s neck.
“I love you, Spock. I love you so much.”
Jim was too far gone to do much of anything when he felt Spock’s breath catch, but the way that Spock tangled their fingers together, brushing his lips against Jim’s skin was answer enough.
Jim slept.
~FIN