Chapter Text
Please call my name one more time
―Still With You, Jungkook
If someone would have told Jimin that he’d be ending the night taking care of a drunk guy, he would have never believed them. But somehow, here he is, sitting next to him and worried about whatever it is he’s been drinking to get this drunk. He’s been mumbling stuff, but Jimin hasn’t been able to catch it, since he’s hidden his face in between his folded arms. Jimin asked the bartender and, after sending him a wary look, he’d shrugged and told him the guy arrived a couple of hours before and had been drinking shot after shot ever since.
Seemed to Jimin that he wanted to get wasted without any care in the world.
Jimin doesn’t like drinking. He’s not sure if it was that way before what had happened, but ever since the accident, he likes to be cautious, he prefers not to do things that could get him in trouble. Not that he even remembers what happened, all he knows is that he had a bit too much to drink one night, got into his car and ended up crashing into a pole not too long after. Looking away from the guy beside him, he lets his eyes fall to his glass of soda and moves his fingertip in circles over the edge. It’s something he’ll always regret, even if he doesn’t remember a single thing about it. At least, nobody got hurt by his actions.
Ever since then, he feels like there’s a hollowness inside his chest, like there’s something he’s missing, something he’s forgetting. It’s frustrating, but his parents have reassured him that he remembers everything that’s important. The doctor did say that he could feel like this, that there was a chance some small things would be forgotten, but nothing major. He hit his head pretty bad, after all.
He takes a sip from his soda and sighs, tipping his head back. He feels tired. He doesn’t tend to go out, but sometimes he just feels the urge, he feels the need to stop thinking about the things he can’t remember and decides to just go out. He would have reached out to his friends, but he’d made his decision to go out at nearly ten, after realizing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep and it’s Thursday. He knows Taehyung and Hoseok would have agreed to come, even if they have classes tomorrow morning. But he didn’t want to bother them. He’s fine on his own, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
The guy makes a strangled sound, slowly lifting his face from where it’s been hiding for the past twenty minutes. He hasn’t spoken to Jimin once and Jimin has a feeling that he hasn’t even realized that he has company. As if to prove his point, the guy turns his face towards him just then and he stares. He stares at Jimin with what seems to be surprise but also with pain. It doesn’t last long. He closes his eyes after a couple of seconds, shaking his head and laughing without humor.
“Great,” he mumbles, dropping his face to his folded arms again.
Jimin frowns. He’s not sure what that was, but maybe he should get the guy to drink some water so he can sober up a bit and go home without being in danger.
“Hey, buddy,” he tries, reaching out to pat his back gently. “Do you want water?”
The guy doesn’t move, he doesn’t reply. He stays exactly how he is and ignores Jimin once more. Jimin sighs. He’s not sure of why, but he doesn’t feel okay with leaving this guy here in this state. There’s this pull, this worry in his chest he can’t just ignore. He figures it’s also related to his accident. Even though he’s never been told major details about it, he can tell by his parent’s sad expressions that it’s something he’s better off not remembering.
He takes a long gulp from his glass. Maybe he should ask the guy for his phone and call someone to pick him up. He looks around, wondering if he seems like a creep for sitting beside a drunk guy and trying to get him to come back to consciousness.
The guy suddenly turns his head to the side, cheek pressing to his arms. Jimin glances towards him and finds him staring at him again. Something about seeing him like that brings a pange of familiarity to Jimin’s chest. He frowns, wondering where that’s coming from, but pushes it away because it’s happened a couple of times before and he never manages to remember.
He turns his face towards him, tilting his head to the side. He smiles, hoping he doesn’t come off as strange. But the guy closes his eyes again, so tightly that his forehead wrinkles and his expression turns tight. Jimin finds that he’s beautiful. Even in this drunk state, his brown eyes had been mesmerizing, though tired; and his features had been gentle yet at the same time strong. Fragile. He looks so fragile.
“I miss you so much,” he murmurs.
Broken. Jimin swallows down the lump in his throat. Whatever the reason this guy has gotten drunk, it seems to be something very painful. Maybe he lost someone. Jimin isn’t sure of what to do. His mother always tells him he’s too nice for this world, always worrying about people, even though he doesn’t have to. She’s right. He’s worried. Maybe because he feels like this was him a couple of years ago, this could have been him. If someone would have worried about him, maybe he wouldn’t have this hollow feeling in his chest.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks softly.
The music isn’t as loud as it was earlier. Right now, the night is simmering down, people have left and the place is mostly empty. It’s late, after all.
“I’m so selfish,” he hears by his side.
He finishes off his soda and pushes the glass away. He leans his arms on the bar and moves his attention to the drunk guy.
“There’s nothing wrong with being selfish every once in a while,” he reassures.
God knows he’s been selfish so many times before. Pulling away from people whenever the empty feeling in his chest ends up being too much. Thinking about himself only, putting up walls whenever he feels the slightest bit threatened by intense feelings. He’s always been this way, as far as he can remember. He’s better, it’s been two years. But it’s still something very difficult for him.
Remembering is sometimes so hard.
“This is wrong,” the guy says. “So wrong…” he trails off.
Jimin lets his gaze fall towards him once more and spots him staring. Why is he still staring? Jimin figures he’s allowed to stare back, as well. The guy is really beautiful. His gaze is tired, but his hand is closed in a fist there where it’s peeking from under his arm.
“I don’t know what’s going on in life for you, but if you give it time, it’ll be easier to get through,” he says. “I would know. Even if the feeling doesn’t disappear, you learn to live with it.”
The guy slowly lifts himself up from where he’s been lying for a while. He grimaces, seeming exhausted just by the small movement. When he’s sitting with his back straight, he turns his face towards Jimin again.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, eyes filling with tears.
Jimin’s eyes widen and he shakes his head.
“Hey, hey. No, don’t cry,” he pleads, lifting his hands in the air between them and shaking his head. “It’s okay, really. I don’t know why you're apologizing, but―”
“It’s already so late,” the guy interrupts, hands lifting to his face. “I don’t know how I could be so stupid.”
Jimin reaches out before he can stop himself, fingers circling the guy’s wrist. He gently tugs his hand away from his face and watches him drop his hands down to his lap, shoulders slumping forward.
“Listen,” he calls out. “You really need to get home, yeah? It’s late and you’re drunk.”
“You said time would make it easier,” the guy says, looking down at his lap. “But it’s been so long and it still feels the same. God, it feels worse. It feels so much worse,” he mutters, shaking his head. Jimin opens his mouth to reply, but the guy’s hand shoots out and grasps his own before he can, stopping him. He looks down at where he’s holding on tight and then back up to find that he’s looking at him intensely. “What am I supposed to do? Help me, please. I can’t do this anymore.”
Jimin watches the tears slide down his cheeks and panics. He places his free hand on the guy’s one, where he’s holding on tight to him. He’s gentle, hoping that it’ll calm him because he seems to be getting more emotional by the moment.
“You’ll be fine,” he promises, even though he doesn’t know that. He just hopes that he’ll wake up tomorrow morning and feel better, maybe even forget about it. “You feel that way right now because you’re drunk. I’m sure that once you’re in bed and sleeping, you’ll feel better.”
“It won’t go away,” the guy says. “It hasn’t gone away and it’s been years.”
Jimin’s eyebrows furrow. He wonders what has hurt this guy so badly that he hasn’t been able to forget in years. Well, Jimin’s accident was about two years ago and to this day he still feels that hollowness, that fear. He clears his throat.
“Okay,” he murmurs. “Maybe it won’t go away, but it will get easier. It’s just taking a while, you have to be patient.”
The guy isn't crying anymore, tears have stopped flowing, but his eyes are red and his expression is more exhausted. Jimin should really find a way to get him to go home.
“I miss you so much,” he whispers, just like he had at the beginning of their conversation.
He knows the words aren’t really directed towards him, maybe the guy is imagining the person he’s sad about, maybe he’s projecting it onto Jimin. He sighs.
“Do you have someone I can call to take you home?” He asks.
The guy shakes his head. The tall chairs they’re sitting on aren’t too far away from each other, but Jimin almost thinks the guy will fall over when he suddenly leans towards him. He doesn’t. His forehead drops to Jimin’s shoulder. Jimin blinks forward in surprise, unsure of what to do. Once more, he has this sense of deja vu, this sense of familiarity he can’t quite grasp.
“You can take me home,” the guy whispers, his breath brushing over Jimin’s collarbone, warm and tingling. He swallows down the lump in his throat.
“I don’t know where you live,” he blurts out.
“Right,” the guy breathes out, sighing deeply. “I’ll tell you my new address. Just please―don’t leave me yet. I’m not ready.”
Jimin’s heart hurts for this guy, even though he doesn’t know him. It’s clear that he’s in so much pain. He speaks to Jimin with this strange familiarity, as if he knows him. He must be so drunk that he doesn’t realize who he’s with. Jimin looks up to the ceiling, trying not to move too much to not startle the guy.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he replies softly.
The guy’s hand tightens around Jimin’s.
“Please.”
Jimin sighs. He doesn’t think it’s dangerous. This guy seems younger than him, although it might be because of his drunk state; he’s not violent, he’s just sad. Jimin can send his live location to Taehyung, just in case. He must be sleeping, anyway. He’ll have it when he wakes up, in case anything were to happen. But Jimin doesn’t think it will. He doesn’t know how he knows, he just feels it.
“Okay,” he finally says. “I’ll drop you off.”
It proves to be hard moving the guy around. The second they stand up, Jimin realizes he’s taller than him, bigger as well. And he’s quick to drop his arm over Jimin’s shoulders, leaning against him. Jimin circles his waist with his arm to help keep him up as they stumble towards the bar’s entrance.
He calls a cab and they wait together outside of the bar, where other people are still lingering after finishing their party night. The guy drops his head to Jimin’s, putting more of his weight on him. Jimin manages to hold him up and reaches for his phone. He sends out a text to Taehyung, knowing he won’t reply. He sends his live location as well and puts it away. It’ll be fine. He just feels it.
When the cab arrives, Jimin struggles to get the guy into it, but after convincing him that he’ll also get in, he does as he’s told and slips into the back seat. Jimin follows suit and the second he closes the door, the guy is pressing to his side, dropping his forehead to his shoulder and sighing in relief.
Once again, Jimin doesn’t know how he ended up like this, in a cab with a drunk guy and taking him home. He stays still and tells the driver the address that the guy gave him before. Fortunately, it’s not too far away from their current location, although it’s not close by to his own place, but he’ll just take another cab once he’s taken the guy into his place. He doesn’t even know this guy’s name. Perhaps this is far too reckless. But Jimin is here now and there’s no turning back.
The drive is short and silent. Jimin stares out of his window throughout it all, the guy’s warmth pressed to his side. When they arrive, Jimin hands over the money to the driver and gently wakes up the guy, who has fallen asleep against him. He startles, his eyes finding Jimin’s with surprise. He takes a look at his surroundings and slowly seems to remember what’s going on.
It’s easier to get him out of the car than it was to get him in, but as soon as he’s out, he stumbles and drops his arm over Jimin’s shoulders, holding on to him as if he’s scared Jimin will leave. Jimin wraps his arm around his waist and gently starts walking, having him follow suit. The guy lives in an apartment on the fourth floor of the building they’ve arrived at.
The reception guy is fast asleep as they make it inside and doesn’t even stir as they reach the elevator. Once the double doors close, the guy leans away, his arm dropping from where it had been on Jimin’s shoulders. Jimin turns his head towards him and finds him looking back at him. He’s sad again. His gaze is...broken. He’s in so much pain. For a while, as they were being brought here, he’d forgotten about how much the guy seemed to be struggling.
“We’re almost there,” he whispers, showing him a tentative smile. The guy looks away from him, his gaze falling to his feet. He doesn’t seem as drunk anymore, but his emotions are still all over the place. They reach the floor and the doors open. Jimin waits for the guy to move, but he doesn’t. The doors close again and Jimin turns towards him. “Are you―”
“I’m sorry,” the guy interrupts him. He keeps apologizing. Jimin frowns. “I just can’t believe―” he starts, shaking his head and sighing. “I don’t want to wake up,” he finishes in a whisper.
Jimin’s frown deepens. The elevator isn’t moving, which isn’t surprising because it’s almost three in the morning on a Thursday night.
“Wake up?” He asks, confused.
The guy suddenly steps forward. Jimin watches him closely. He doesn’t feel threatened, he’s not scared, but he’s unsure of what’s going on.
“You can’t be real,” the guy mumbles in explanation.
Jimin opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, too surprised to reply. What is he even supposed to reply to that? He doesn’t even understand what it means. Is he trying to flirt? Or is he still imagining that Jimin is someone else?
Before Jimin can fully process what’s going on, the guy drops his forehead to his shoulder, arms wrapping around him. It’s so sudden that Jimin freezes, tensing up for a moment. But he relaxes when he feels him shaking, probably crying again. Unable to stop himself, he reaches up to place his hands on the low of his back and rub gently, comfortingly. He closes his eyes. There’s something about this hug that feels so warm, so familiar.
It’s not the time to be thinking about that. Jimin pushes it away, instead focusing on comforting the guy, hoping he’ll calm down again so they can step out of the elevator and get him to his place.
“It’s okay,” he whispers, feeling strangely overwhelmed.
At the sound of his voice, the guy steps back. Their eyes meet and Jimin watches him drop his arms, shaking his head.
“I must be going crazy,” he mutters.
Jimin clears his throat.
“We just need to step out of the elevator,” he says. “I’m sure you’ll feel better when you go to sleep.”
There’s a long moment of silence. The guy sighs and reaches a hand up to rub at his eye with his palm. He shakes his head and looks back at Jimin.
“Okay,” he finally whispers.
Jimin nods and presses the button for the doors to open again. Once they do, they step out, the guy following close by. They reach his door and the guy reaches for his pocket. He opens the door and steps inside. Jimin hesitates. He should be fine now, right? It shouldn’t be necessary for him to stay any longer.
The guy turns around, his eyes meeting his. Panic settles in his gaze. He steps towards Jimin.
“Are you leaving? Don’t leave yet, please,” he pleads.
“I just thought that―”
“Please,” the guy says. He steps back to where Jimin is, reaching out to grasp his hand. He tugs him into the house and closes the door. He’s suddenly hugging Jimin again, hugging him so tightly. He’s shaking, he’s mumbling something, begging him not to go. He says he’s not ready again and Jimin figures he’s not ready to be alone.
It hurts. For some reason, it makes Jimin’s chest constrict. He clears his throat and rubs his hands over the guy’s back again, comforting him.
“I won’t leave yet,” he whispers. “It’s okay. I’m not leaving.”
The guy’s face is hot and wet where it presses to the crook of his neck. Jimin lets him. He doesn’t mind it. He waits until the guy calms down. But he doesn’t. He keeps holding Jimin so tightly, murmuring that he’s sorry, over and over again.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he whispers. “Stop apologizing. Come on, we should take you to your bed and―”
“Just,” the guy interrupts. “Can you please say my name? Just once.”
Jimin frowns. His name?
“I don’t know your name,” he mumbles, confused.
“You know my name. I’m Jeongguk,” the guy breathes out. “Please. I’m Jeongguk.”
“Jeongguk,” Jimin quickly whispers, even though he has no idea why he would think Jimin knew his name. The odd sense of familiarity is there again, but Jimin doesn’t register it because he’s confused about what’s going on. “Jeongguk, calm down please, yeah? I’m Jimin. I won’t leave, but please calm down.”
Jeongguk trembles. He cries. He really cries. Not just tears sliding down his cheeks. He sobs and his body turns heavier in between Jimin’s arms. It’s so painful to hear. Jimin closes his eyes, finding that they sting with tears. He’s not sure why this is affecting him so much. He still has no idea of how he even got here. He clears his throat and whispers to Jeongguk that everything will be okay even if he doesn’t know what it is that’s making him this sad.
It takes a while for Jeongguk to calm down. He cries for what feels like a lifetime and when he starts to calm down, Jimin feels like it isn’t over yet. He feels like Jeongguk will burst out in tears again any second. So when Jeongguk slowly leans back, Jimin hesitantly watches him, waiting. He lets his hands stay on Jeongguk’s biceps, holding him just in case.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers for what feels like the millionth time tonight.
Jimin shakes his head.
“Let's get you to bed, yeah?” he asks gently. “Come on, I’ll help you there.”
Jeongguk sniffles, seeming lost. So Jimin reaches out and holds his hand, starting to move to go in search of his room. It doesn’t take Jimin long to find it, just at the end of the hallway. He steps inside and guides Jeongguk to the bed, helping him take a seat. Jeongguk slumps down, reaching up to slide his palms over his face, sniffling once more.
Jimin takes his shoes off and gently helps him lay down. Jeongguk curls into a ball on his side, facing Jimin and he reaches for his hand when he starts to stand up.
“Stay with me,” he pleads.
And Jimin does. He doesn’t hesitate to take a seat, let Jeongguk continue holding his hand. He stays close to the edge, watching how Jeongguk’s worried and sad eyes slowly start to give in to sleep, falling closed. He watches him sigh deeply, a couple more tears sliding down his cheeks, before he’s squeezing Jimin’s hand tighter, as if scared he’ll leave. Jimin stays still. He just stares at Jeongguk, unable to look away.
He looks so peaceful suddenly. In bed, exhausted because of all the crying and the alcohol. He looks small and fragile. Jimin reaches out with his free hand, carding his fingers through Jeongguk’s hair. The other one sighs again, but he doesn’t move. He’s already giving in to sleep, that much is clear. So Jimin lets him. He doesn’t say anything more. He just keeps him company while he finally settles down in calmness.
Yet as soon as Jimin thinks he’s finally fallen to sleep, Jeongguk speaks.
“I wish I could go back and change everything,” he mumbles. “If only I’d fallen in love with you on time.”
Jimin freezes. He’d thought Jeongguk was sad about someone close he’d lost, but he didn’t stop to consider it was a lover. His eyebrows furrow. So he’s in love with this person. Maybe they aren’t dead. Maybe Jeongguk just isn’t with them. Jimin cards his fingers through his hair gently, pushing it back and out of his forehead.
He falls asleep after that. He doesn’t say anything else and his grip on Jimin’s hand slowly starts to loosen up. Only once he’s sure Jeongguk is fast asleep does Jimin stand up and step out of the room. He’s done enough for a stranger, even if it feels like he should stay back and do more. There’s nothing more he can do for Jeongguk. He’ll probably wake up tomorrow and not remember a single thing.
So Jimin steps out of the room and out of the apartment and heads home, the odd familiar feeling staying with him even as he lays down to sleep not too long after.
↜↝
There are voices that Jimin can’t quite recognize. They sound odd, they’re too far away. He’s not sure where he is. There’s a house in front of him, once again the familiarity blooms in his chest and he struggles to keep his frustration away because he can’t make out from where this house seems so familiar. He keeps getting these bursts of familiarity and there’s no way for him to understand why it’s happening. It just keeps reinforcing the fact that he’s forgotten things, that there are things he can’t remember and he’s supposed to.
He steps towards the house, watches it closely hoping he’ll remember. But nothing comes to mind. He reaches the front door, brushing his fingertips over the wooden material.
“No, hyung,” he hears from the inside.
Jimin freezes, staring at the door.
“I’m sorry,” another voice says.
His voice. It seems like it’s his own voice.
“You can’t. Don’t let it happen. Please don’t, hyung.”
There’s pain in that voice. There was pain in his own voice. Who is Jimin talking to? Once again, the familiarity of the situation is frustrating. But what is happening? What are they talking about? Why is there pain laced with the voices?
Jimin twists the knob and when he realizes that the door is open, he bursts inside, hoping to see the people who are talking. But no. The living room is empty. Jimin glances over the place, trying to see if someone is hiding, but the room is clearly empty, no sign of the people who had been speaking before. He lets his feet guide him, making his way towards where the picture frames are. But once he reaches them, he finds that he can’t see anything, the pictures are too blurry. Frustrated, Jimin throws the frame across the room. It hits the wall and breaks, falling to the floor in pieces. He’s not satisfied after that. He throws frame after frame, watching them break and shatter on the ground.
By the time he’s done, he realizes he has tears in his eyes. The hollowness in his chest just seems to be bigger right now, it hurts, it’s painful, it’s so big. He clutches his shirt with his fingers, struggling to breathe.
“Please stop it, hyung,” he hears again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Jimin’s head turns towards the stairs. He can hear the voice again, closer. He runs, somehow makes it upstairs quickly and his feet are the ones to take him to a room he once again doesn’t know. It’s empty. There’s nobody there. There’s nothing there.
It’s a white room, there’s no bed, no furniture. Nothing. It’s all white. Jimin turns around to leave, strange fear settling in his chest. But the door is gone. He finds himself facing white. He turns around again and finds that the floor under him is also white. He’s surrounded by nothing. He sobs, tears sliding down his cheeks and pain surrounding his body. He can’t breathe, his chest hurts, his lungs hurt. Everything is just too painful.
He falls but there’s nothing to hold him, he’s falling and falling, he’s crying and sobbing. He screams.
Jimin sits up with a sob stuck in his throat, hand shooting to his chest and body shaking. He’s sweating, there are tears sliding down his cheeks, he can’t breathe properly and the pain from his dream still lingers, as if it wasn’t just a part of his dream, as if it’s a part of his body, as if it’s a part of this moment. He struggles to calm down. He’s shaking so much. He slowly starts to breathe in and out. And when he manages to calm down a bit, he reaches up with his hands to brush away the tears.
With trembling legs, he stands up and makes his way to the bathroom. He’s a mess. His hair is stuck to his sweaty forehead, his hands are shaking as he reaches down to the sink. He brings water to his face, splashes some of it to wash away the remnants of his dream, pushing his hair back until it’s out of his face. He sighs, lifting his face again to look into the mirror.
He’s exhausted. Jimin is always having nightmares like this one. So...empty. It makes no sense. He hates it.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he makes his way to the kitchen. He drinks a glass of water and instead of heading back to his bedroom, he steps towards the living room. Taking a seat on the couch, he pulls his legs to his chest, chin falling to his knees and eyes staring ahead.
I’m sorry. The words are still floating in his head. Why was he apologizing? And who was apologizing to him? It’s so hard to understand if these are all things his brain is making up or if they’re things he’s forgotten, something that scares him far too much. Why has nobody told him about this? Why have they allowed him to forget?
He needs to talk with his parents. He needs to ask.
Namjoon. He hasn’t seen Namjoon in a very long time. The last time they saw each other was after he woke up from his surgery. They drifted away. Jimin should have made a bigger effort, but the hollowness was much more intense back then and he couldn’t help but feel like everything was too big around him. He kept to himself a lot during the first months. Namjoon stopped contacting him somewhere along the way.
He wonders how strange it would be if he were to text him out of nowhere. Maybe he’s changed his number. He’ll try it. Tomorrow morning, when it’s not the middle of the night, he’ll try texting him. It’s been a very long time since the last time they talked. He doesn’t even know how he is. Did he stay in Seoul or did he go back to Busan? Maybe somewhere else. Namjoon had always wanted to travel to the states.
He’ll text him. Tomorrow morning.
Nodding to himself, he closes his eyes and waits until sleep slowly starts to creep into his brain again. Once that happens, he pads across the floor and all the way back to his room, slipping under the sheets and falling asleep instantly.
↜↝
Jimin startles when he feels a hand fall to his back. He’s quick to lift his face out from in between his folded arms. He looks back to find Taehyung showing him a gentle smile.
“Bad night?” He asks, taking a seat beside him and leaning forward for a hug.
It’s easy to melt into it, hug him back. He sighs deeply, smiling back as they lean away. “Yeah, had nightmares and ended up staying up.”
“You know I can sleep over if you need me to,” his best friend replies.
Shortly after the accident and starting over, Jimin met Taehyung and Hoseok. They connected pretty quickly, started hanging out and Jimin soon started making new memories in replacement of those he might have forgotten. Over the past two years, he’s written down those memories, having learned from the accident that it’s better that way, so he doesn’t risk losing them again.
It’s still frustrating. He’s supposed to know everything, his family and friends told him what he needed to know, but losing your memories makes you feel empty and that feeling hasn’t left Jimin even after all this time.
“Today?” He asks, grateful. Taehyung understands him, always manages to keep Jimin calm when he’s around. “I have a couple of things to do, I was thinking about going to a bookstore I was recommended, I have some books I need to buy. You finish early today, right? You can wait for me there, if you want.”
Taehyung hums.
“Sounds good,” he replies. “I’ll just head home for my stuff and then let myself in.”
Jimin nods, straightening his back and scrunching his nose when his back aches. It’s something that has remained since the accident. He hurt himself pretty badly, hit his head, forgot things that he supposedly got back over time―even if he still feels like there’s something missing, strained his back in a way that has left it aching. Every once in a while he’ll get a jolt of pain right in the middle, just under his shoulder blades.
He’s grateful he doesn’t remember much about the accident itself. He’s sure if he did, his nightmares would be worse than they are.
“What did I miss?” Hoseok’s voice startles him out of his thoughts and he turns forward just in time to watch him take a seat in front of him. “Did something happen?” He asks, eyebrows furrowing. “You don’t look well.”
Jimin sighs. “I didn’t sleep well, my nightmares are making it harder and harder,” he explains.
“I’m sorry about that, Jimin-ah,” Hoseok replies, reaching out to grasp his hand and squeezing gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Jimin smiles warmly at Hoseok when the older one pulls his hand back.
“It’s all very messy, honestly,” he mumbles. “My dreams are weird,” he adds, snorting. Both his friends laugh and lean closer, listening attentively. “Normally I’m in a place without walls, everything is white. I hear voices but I don’t know who they belong to. Last night I dreamt that I was apologizing to someone.”
“Dreams can be a reflection of the things we’ve lived in the days before,” Hoseok mentions. “Do you remember if you’ve seen a scene like that one lately?” He asks. “Obviously, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that, especially since you had an accident. You supposedly got back everything you could have forgotten, but…” he trails off.
“But how can I know if I have?” Jimin finishes off. “Yeah, I guess I can’t. I’m just frustrated,” he mutters, sighing deeply and stretching his arms above his head. He groans and reaches behind himself to rub at his back. It never soothes the ache, but it still makes him feel like he’s doing something to take it away. “It’ll be fine. The doctor said it was natural to have nightmares. It takes time to get over stuff like that. I don’t know, I can’t even remember the accident but it’s somehow something that I can’t get over.”
Taehyung’s hand falls to his back and replaces his own, rubbing gently and reassuringly.
“Hey,” he calls out. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know you’re frustrated, but it’s not something you can control.”
“Yeah, Jiminie,” Hoseok goes on. “Tell you what, we should do something,” he suggests. “Something that includes dancing, please.”
Jimin laughs and nods, grateful that he has his friends to take care of him and make days more bearable. “I would very much like that. This weekend?”
“I’m in,” Taehyung replies.
“Yes, okay!” Hoseok exclaims, clapping excitedly.
Jimin is smiling so wide that his cheeks hurt. Even if just briefly, they always manage to make him forget about that nagging voice inside his head and make him smile. It’s nice and refreshing. He always feels calm with them.
“Great, then. It’s settled,” he states. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way. I have books to buy.”
Hoseok snorts. “Of course you do.”
Jimin sticks his tongue out and gets up, hanging his small backpack over his shoulders. Books have been his major help for the past two years. But today he’s looking for some that will help him out with some lessons he isn’t understanding that well.
“Talk to you guys later.”
He exits the college campus on foot. The bookstore he’s going to visit isn’t too far away and he enjoys walking. It’s always nice to have his earphones on, listening to soothing tones that keep him calm. It zones out the rest of the world and allows Jimin to stop thinking for a while in favor of just enjoying the sounds.
The streets somehow seem more beautiful when Jimin is listening to music, people walk by him talking, smiling, and distracted. Jimin watches them go by. There it is again, that emptiness in his chest, the odd feeling that he’s missing something he shouldn’t be missing.
At times, it’ll make him cry. He’ll sit down in bed and feel like the world is ending and wonder why it is that he feels this way. He didn’t notice it at first. During the first year since the accident, he thought everything was fine, he related everything to that day, he thought the only reason he felt that way was because of what had happened. But as he got better and moved on, he realized there was no denying his heart wasn’t moving forward with him. It was staying back, tugging whenever Jimin wanted to look over it.
He hates it, but no matter how much he talks with his parents or how much he talked with the doctor or with his therapist, nobody could make the feeling disappear. Everything they said was: time will make it better.
The thought makes him remember about Jeongguk. It’s been two weeks since he met him. He hasn’t forgotten about their encounter and he figures it’s just hard to forget about someone who seemed to be in so much pain. He wonders if he’s doing better. It’s ironic that Jimin would say those words to him when he’s been told the same thing so many times before and it’s proven not to work.
But maybe that’s just him. Maybe for Jeongguk, it will work. It’s something different. He loves someone, he loved them too late. Maybe there’s still a chance for him. Jimin doesn’t even know why he feels this way.
He shakes Jeongguk away from his thoughts. It’s useless wondering about how things turned out for a person he doesn’t know. He’ll probably never see him again and all he can hope for is that he’ll be okay at some point, that wherever destiny takes him, he’ll find that comfort he so much needed.
He’s so lost in thought that he almost walks past the bookstore. The place seems to be very small now that he’s seeing it in person. He’d seen pictures on their instagram page and had instantly been pulled to the soft aesthetic they portrayed. Beautiful pictures of books and the outside of the place, customers enjoying coffee outside. The person who took them was someone with a lot of talent. After all, it had called Jimin. There was just something so beautiful about how spontaneous some of the pictures looked that made him want to visit.
They also happened to have a lot of books that would help him out with his college lessons. So this way, he has a chance to get his books and search for some other he’s been meaning to buy for a while.
Today it seems empty. Outside, there are two small circular tables. He spots the small flower vases in the middle of them. Tiger lillies. Jimin has always been into plants, it’s one of the reasons he and Namjoon connected so much. He taught him everything he didn’t know about them, about beautiful flowers Jimin has continued to learn about.
Tiger lillies are his favorite. They make him feel some sort of way. It’s hard to explain. He knew he’d find them here, he’s seen them on all the instagram pictures. But it’s different to see like this, standing right in the middle of it. He stays by the door for a while too long. There are vases around the rest of the entrance, placed neatly one next to the other, some hanging from the facade, above Jimin. It’s so beautiful.
He reaches up to place his hand on his chest. His heart is beating so fast. It makes a frown take over his eyebrows. He feels odd. But strangely enough, he doesn’t want to leave. It actually makes him want to stay.
So he steps into the store, the melody playing in his earphones so sweet that it makes the experience somehow more emotional. The place is really empty, probably because it’s lunchtime. Jimin finishes his lessons early on Mondays, so that’s the reason he’s here at this time. He’s glad, though. It means he can look around without having to worry about bothering other people or getting in their way.
There’s nobody at the front, behind the cash register, so Jimin swerves to his right and heads towards the book stands. There are only a few of them, but they’re tall enough that he can’t see the ones at the highest spot and they surround him, making him feel as calm as he wanted to feel. Things like this one feel familiar, familiar in that way that frustrates him because he feels like he’s been here before, like he’s been surrounded by this once. And he has no idea of when that even was.
He walks towards the end of the hallway created by both stands, arms stretched towards his sides, fingers brushing over the book spines, eyes sliding across them, barely catching the titles. He’s exploring first, he’ll search for what he came for after.
When he reaches the end, he turns to his right and walks in between another couple of stands. It’s a never ending paradise of books. Jimin sighs deeply, smiling to himself. A weird feeling takes over him, he feels like he’s being watched. His eyebrows furrow and he stops moving, dropping his arms. He hesitates, looking ahead. There are a couple of tables inside the store as well, but they’re still empty. Nobody has come inside while he was exploring.
Jimin turns around and freezes. His eyes meet a pair of familiar ones. Only this time, that familiarity isn’t frustrating. Because he recognizes the person in front of him. He knows who it is. Jeongguk stares back at him with wide eyes and surprise all over his expression. Jimin can still hear the melody in his ears and since that’s the only thing he can hear, it feels like he’s in some sort of movie for a second. He watches confusion wash over Jeongguk’s features, then it disappears and it becomes harder to read him.
He surely remembers Jimin. Or does he usually forget about things when he gets drunk? Jimin reaches up to take his earphones out and shows Jeongguk a smile, hoping it’ll let him know that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Whatever he was going through was something clearly very painful for him and Jimin isn’t one to judge.
“Hi, Jeongguk.”
Confusion quickly dissipates from Jeongguk’s expression and his eyes widen again.
“How―” he begins but shakes his head, panic settling in his features. “You remember me?” He asks softly, his voice such a weak whisper that Jimin almost misses his question, but the empty place surrounding them makes it easier to hear.
Jimin’s lips quirk upwards, unable to stop himself.
“Of course, I do,” he replies. It’s been two weeks but Jeongguk is pretty hard to forget, especially because of how terrible he’d seemed to be doing when Jimin met him. “Hard to forget. I hope you’re doing okay? Did you feel better after you woke up?” Jeongguk’s eyebrows furrow and that makes Jimin hesitate. “Do you not remember?” He asks then. Jeongguk doesn’t respond. He seems so shocked that it’s starting to actually worry Jimin. “We met at the nightclub two weeks ago and I took you home because you weren’t feeling well?” He inquires, but then grimaces because that sounds strange. “I mean, you asked me to take you home, so I helped you get there.”
“I thought that was a dream,” Jeongguk mumbles, realization seeming to dawn on him.
Jimin notices how his expression changes. It’s like a wall forms in between them. It becomes too hard to read Jeongguk’s features. Jimin isn’t all too surprised by that. For Jeongguk, Jimin must feel like a stranger at most, especially if he thought he’d dreamt what happened two weeks ago. It hits him that, even if he’s been worried about his well being, he doesn’t really know Jeongguk and he has no idea of what’s actually going on in his life.
“Nope,” he replies, showing him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just―”
“No,” Jeongguk quickly interrupts, shaking his head. He’s been frozen in place since Jimin turned around. He seems so tense, stance firm, hands closed in fists by his sides. Defensive. “No, that’s―you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I’m just shocked,” he explains. His hands open, his body relaxes, but he still seems to be holding up a wall between them. “I’m sorry. Thank you so much for helping me home that night. I promise I’m not always like that, I just―” he stops again, shaking his head once more.
“You don’t have to explain,” Jimin reassures. He smiles again, hoping it’ll somehow calm Jeongguk down because he now seems panicked. “Really. I just happened to be there and I’m glad I could help you get home safely.”
Jeongguk releases a shaky breath. He nods gently, hair strands falling over his face, slipping out of the small bun he has close to the base of his head. His hair is so long and dark. Jeongguk pushes it back with his hands and clears his throat.
“I can’t believe you’re actually here,” he murmurs, shoving his hands into his pockets and stepping forward. “I guess the universe really gave me a second chance,” he adds, softer, almost to himself. “Thank you, really. I um…” he trails off, looking down at his feet.
“Jimin,” he supplies gently.
“No, I―” Jeongguk begins, eyes moving back up to Jimin. “I remember your name. I’m just a bit embarrassed, so I don’t really know what to say,” he explains. “Sorry,” he mumbles, eyes closing and expression twisting in frustration.
Jimin finds himself smiling. The night he’d met Jeongguk, he hadn’t really had the chance to look at him properly. He could tell he was beautiful, but seeing him right now, nervous and somewhat shy, it makes him look cute. He’s wearing blue jeans, a white shirt tucked into them and there’s a black apron wrapped around his hips. Jimin’s eyes take him all in, unable to stop himself now that he has him here and doesn’t have any distractions.
He’s not sure how it didn’t call at him first, but once his eyes fall to Jeongguk’s right arm, he finds it too hard to look away. The night they met he had a jacket on, so Jimin didn’t get to see this. Plus, he was too distracted trying to calm him down to see the ones on his hand. There are tattoos everywhere, spiraling all around his arm, covering most of his skin. It’s beautiful. Jimin likes very particular things and tattoos are one of them. They always hold a different type of meaning that only the person who has them on their skin can understand.
It’s fascinating that he can feel something with the tattoos he can see on Jeongguk’s arm, meanwhile he has tattoos on his own skin that he doesn’t remember why he got. He knows they mean something, he’s asked, but nobody has been able to tell him because they don’t understand it, they don’t know. They don’t know why Jimin got them and only he did.
His eyebrows furrow and he pushes the thought away, instead focusing on the pretty tiger lily on Jeongguk’s forearm, a different and softer shade of gray in between all the dark ink on his skin. Jimin lets his eyes trail upwards, until he’s met with the white fabric of Jeongguk’s shirt. It somehow snaps him out of his trance and his eyes move back to Jeongguk’s face. Their eyes meet and Jimin feels embarrassment creep up on him when he realizes he’s been staring for far too long.
“Do you like tiger lillies?” He blurts out, desperate to fill in the silence that has settled between them.
Jeongguk blinks back at him, also seeming to snap back to reality. He looks down at his arm and then takes his hands out of his pockets, fingers tracing the flower delicately. His jaw clenches when he looks up at him again.
“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I like them a lot. They’re actually my favorite flower,” he adds. Jimin beams at that, lips pulling up in a smile. Jeongguk pauses, seeming taken aback by Jimin’s reaction.
“They’re actually my favorite, too,” Jimin explains. “Do you know a lot about flowers?”
Jeongguk reaches up with his tattooed hand and cards his hair back.
“A little bit,” he replies. “I used to know more, nowadays I just...I haven’t had much time,” he explains. “So...is there anything I can help you with?” He asks.
“Oh,” Jimin whispers, realizing that Jeongguk must work here, since he’s the only other human being that there seems to be around and he’s wearing an apron, probably because he also assists those who come here to drink coffee while reading. “So you work here?” He asks.
Jeongguk tilts his head to the side, his eyes moving towards the stand to his right. He brushes his fingers across the spine of one of the books. “I’m actually the owner,” he replies. “Sometimes I look after the shop when somebody can’t cover their shift.”
Jimin hums. It makes sense. The tiger lillies outside, the aesthetic, it all somehow seems to fit Jeongguk perfectly. Despite the fact that Jimin doesn’t know him, they all feel like things linked to him, it’s easy to read him just by what he sees, the tattoos, the flowers. But his emotions are too hard to grasp, to figure out. It’s...odd.
Something about this also feels familiar, although Jimin doesn’t want to let that feeling ruin the moment, so he pushes it away as quickly as he can.
“That explains the tiger lillies outside,” he states. “They look very pretty. And I really like the vibe your instagram account has. Do you by any chance also take the pictures? I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Jeongguk’s eyes meet his, fingers frozen against the spine.
“I do, actually,” he replies, taking out the book and gently opening it up, moving through the pages. Jimin knows that he’s focused on their conversation, but he seems to need to be doing something as they speak. “I like taking pictures, it’s kinda like my hobby,” he explains.
Jimin smiles, not surprised by his response.
“So you own a bookstore, you’re talented, you know about plants, your favorite flower is the tiger lily,” he recites, shifting on his feet. “Is there anything you aren’t good at?”
As soon as the words leave his mouth, Jimin grimaces internally. He can clearly hear Taehyung’s voice inside his head, ‘are you flirting, Park Jimin? I cannot believe you’. He’s not trying to flirt, not intentionally. Based on their first meeting, it’s clear Jeongguk is currently going through some sort of heartbreak and, anyway, this is just a chance encounter. After this, he’ll probably really never see Jeongguk again.
“A lot of things,” Jeongguk murmurs, putting the book away. “Too many,” he adds, turning towards the other stand. Before Jimin can say anything in response, he keeps going. “What are you looking for?”
Right. Jimin was here for some books. He’s gotten too distracted and he should get his books now that the place is still empty. He takes his phone out and checks out the list he made. He stretches his phone towards Jeongguk.
“I need these for some college lessons, I checked out the catalog and saw you had most of them here,” he says.
Jeongguk checks out the list for a couple of seconds. “Yeah, we have those. I’ll get them for you. Would you like coffee? You can sit down and I’ll look them up for you.”
Coffee. Jimin nods. “Can I look around, though? I also wanna buy some books for myself.”
“Oh, yeah. Of course, you can. I’ll get your coffee ready. Caramel frappuccino?” He asks.
Jimin starts to say yes, but then stops. That’s basically the only drink Jimin ever orders, no matter what coffee store he goes to. He stares at Jeongguk for a long moment, surprised he’s somehow guessed that.
“Yeah, that’s actually my favorite drink,” he mumbles.
Jeongguk steps forward, gently walking around Jimin to go towards the front.
“Lucky guess,” he replies, quickly turning around fully and disappearing.
Jimin stays there, frozen in place, confused. He looks down at his phone, eyes moving over the list he has. But he stops, eyebrows furrowed. His gaze moves towards where Jeongguk headed. It’s odd. Jeongguk had been so vulnerable the night they met, but now he feels strangely distant. He knows he’s overthinking this and that he shouldn’t be trying to analyze him, but it’s hard when there are so many things he suddenly wants to talk about with him.
They have things in common, clearly and they’ve somehow crossed paths for a second time. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but Jimin also wants to keep talking to him, maybe get to know him more. He shakes his head and puts his phone away. Deciding to focus on what he came to do, he lets his feet guide him across the place, eyes sliding over the spines. He grows distracted with all the books, a lot of them ones he hasn’t ever seen before and some others frequent ones he’s spotted on instagram.
By the time he’s done looking around, he already has four books in hand. He makes his way towards the front and takes a seat at one of the empty tables. Nobody new has arrived, but the silence is strangely comforting. Jimin feels at home. Which is strange because, ever since the accident, every place he’s visited has felt foreign, and has always felt like there’s something missing.
Maybe it’s because this place screams of comfort, everything Jimin likes in life. The calmness, the books, the coffee, the plants. The whole aesthetics and the relaxing vibes. It’s like a place taken right out of his imagination.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Jeongguk’s voice startles him. He places the cup of coffee on the table, right in front of Jimin and takes a step back.
“Yeah,” Jimin responds, showing him a smile. “You have so many books, I already love this place so much,” he murmurs, more to himself than to Jeongguk.
Jeongguk clears his throat and steps back. “I’m glad. I’m gonna go get the books you wanted, I’ll be right back.”
Jimin isn’t sure of what’s going on with Jeongguk. It seems as if he’s fighting something. It’s hard to explain, but it also feels as if Jeongguk is trying his best to not let Jimin read into him, like he’s hiding something. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with what happened that night. It wouldn’t be surprising. They don’t really know each other, aside from that time and today. Jimin is making a whole world in his head already even though he always tells himself that he won’t. It’s overwhelming.
He puts his books aside and instead focuses on his coffee. It’s warm, not as hot as it probably was when Jeongguk made it. Jimin wonders how long he took to look around. Yet the coffee has the perfect temperature for him to be able to drink it while feeling it’s warmth coming down his throat. Jimin likes the taste. It’s delicious, just the right amount of sweet and the bitterness of the coffee makes the perfect contrast.
As he waits for Jeongguk to come back, he sips slowly from his cup and takes a look at the books he’s decided to buy. They smell nice, kind of like something old. He sniffs at the pages as he moves through them and reads a couple of them briefly, just brushing over the words as he goes.
When he’s done checking out all his new books and has finished off his coffee, he lifts his gaze just in time to spot Jeongguk making his way towards him with another four books in his hands. Once more, his eyes are drawn towards the tattoos on his forearm, curling up his arm, disappearing under the sleeve of his shirt. Beautiful. He looks away and stares at his empty cup until Jeongguk is beside him, placing the books on the table.
He takes a step towards the chair right in front of him, but instead of taking a seat, he lets his fingers brush over the backrest, finally standing behind the chair and bringing his hands down onto it.
“I found all of the books,” he mentions. “I was unsure if we had some of them, but I did some deep digging and found them,” he explains.
Jimin smiles.
“Thank you, Jeongguk,” he replies, hesitating when he notices Jeongguk’s jaw clench. All of the changes in his reactions are giving Jimin whiplash. “The coffee was really good,” he adds. “I liked it a lot.”
Jeongguk visibly relaxes and he nods, pulling his hands away. “I’m glad. I’ll be at the front, in case you need anything.”
Jimin watches him grab the cup and small plate, disappearing before Jimin can say anything else. He nibbles on his lower lip, looking down at the books. Instead of focusing too much on Jeongguk’s strange reactions, he looks through his books, making sure they really are the ones he needs and checking out some of the subjects in the pages. They smell just as nice as the ones Jimin found.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and that snaps him out of the moment. He reaches for it and checks out the new message he has. It’s Taehyung letting him know he’s already making his way towards Jimin’s place. When Jimin looks at the time and realizes he’s been here for more than two hours, his eyes widen. He liked this place so much that time has gone by too quickly.
And even though he’s been here for so long, he doesn’t really want to leave. He’s trying to convince himself that it’s because of how perfect it feels here, but he knows that there’s also a bigger part of him that’s too curious about Jeongguk and he doesn’t really want to say goodbye just yet.
Still, a new message from Taehyung arrives and he figures there’s no point in delaying the inevitable. With a soft sigh, he puts his phone away and stacks up his new books to make his way back towards the front. Jeongguk comes into view as soon as he takes a couple of steps forward. He’s sitting behind the counter, looking down, possibly at his phone. But he looks up when he hears Jimin approaching and he’s quick to stand up and make his way towards him.
He takes some of the books from the stack and helps him carry them to the counter. They place them there and Jeongguk quickly gets to checking each of them. He tells Jimin the price and Jimin hands him over the money. For some reason, Jimin’s heart is beating so fast in his chest. He feels strangely nervous, also anxious. He has a feeling that after he leaves today, he won’t be seeing Jeongguk again. Not that he can’t come here to look for him, but wouldn’t that be weird? Especially considering that they don’t know each other and Jeongguk seems so...closed off.
He watches Jeongguk as he puts the books into two different bags. They’re cute, also follow the aesthetic of the instagram account and the place overall. It’s then that Jimin remembers the coffee and his eyes widen.
“Wait, I haven’t paid for the coffee,” he points out, reaching into his pocket again.
“You don’t have to,” Jeongguk quickly says, shaking his head and handing the bags to Jimin. “It’s on me.”
Jimin shakes his head. “That’s okay, really. I should―”
“Really,” Jeongguk interrupts, raising his hands up to stop him. “Let me do that for you. As a thank you. I mean, for actually taking me home and making sure I was fine.”
Jimin hesitates. It doesn’t feel like it’s okay to do that, but Jeongguk’s gaze is warm and decided. So he doesn’t fight it and instead shows him a small smile.
“Okay, then,” he whispers, holding the bags one on each hand and nods. “Thank you, Jeongguk. Really. I had a great time. I love this place and I think you’ve done a great job with it.”
Jeongguk’s chest rises and falls sharply, his jaw clenching in that way that Jimin is starting to associate with strong emotions. Jeongguk looks away when that happens and it has him wondering what it is that triggers that reaction in him. It’s pretty clear that he’s in pain about something personal, Jimin still remembers the things he said that night he was drunk. So he doesn’t question it and just hopes that Jeongguk’s pain will subside at some point, that he’ll be fine, even if Jimin never gets to see that happen.
“Thank you,” Jeongguk murmurs, looking down at his feet. “I hope you enjoy your books.”
Jimin hums and nods to himself, taking a step back. “I will,” he promises. Before turning around, he says goodbye. “Good bye, Jeongguk. It was nice seeing you again.”
“Goodbye,” Jeongguk whispers, keeping his eyes down.
A strange feeling remains in his chest as he steps out of the small book store, bags in hands. He still doesn’t want to leave, but he knows there’s just no reason for him to stay any longer. He barely makes it a couple of steps when he hears the small bell ring.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk calls out. Jimin stops, turning around in surprise. Jeongguk’s eyes widen the slightest bit. “Sorry, um. I didn’t mean―”
“That’s okay,” Jimin quickly reasurres. “Another lucky guess?” He asks, tilting his head to the side. He’s actually more surprised that Jeongguk came out searching for him when they just said goodbye to each other. “You think you’re younger?”
Jeongguk clears his throat. “I’m twenty three,” he murmurs.
Jimin had a feeling Jeongguk was young. There’s only a two year difference between them. He can’t help but think that there’s something strange about this. The more time Jimin spends around Jeongguk, the more he feels like he knows him and Jeongguk seems to be reading him very well too because he somehow always manages to say the right thing.
“Yeah, I’m twenty five,” he mumbles. “You can call me hyung, that’s okay.”
Jeongguk nods. His hands are closed in fists again and his eyes hold that pain once more. It’s the first time Jimin has seen it since the last time they saw each other. It shocks him, he’s unsure why Jeongguk is suddenly getting that expression on his face again.
“Hyung,” he whispers, jaw clenching. “Take care of yourself.”
Jimin blinks back at him in confusion. Jeongguk seems so tensed up, his eyebrows furrowed, eyes emotional. Jimin wants to ask, he’s worried, he can’t help it. But Jeongguk nods weakly and turns around, quickly disappearing back into the book store. And he leaves Jimin staring back at the glass door, surprised by Jeongguk’s abrupt goodbye.
Because that felt like a goodbye. A strange one, that is. Jimin doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t know why Jeongguk suddenly got like that nor why his voice held such familiarity, but Jimin grimaces when his chest aches. His hand quickly settles over his heart, it’s beating so fast again. The ache is gone within seconds, but it leaves Jimin breathless, his body trembling slightly.
It’s hard to shake it off, push away the strange feeling that settles around him. He turns around, hoping that walking and listening to music will make it all go away. He puts his earphones on, but despite the melody taking over his surroundings, Jimin’s mind doesn’t quiet and as he walks back home, he’s unable to get Jeongguk out of his head.
↜↝
Jimin stares at the ceiling, feeling strange and still unable to stop thinking about Jeongguk. Sure, it’s only been a couple of hours, but normally, Taehyung is enough of a distraction to keep his messy thoughts at bay. Taehyung’s crazy ways always manage to take up all of Jimin’s attention. And yet now, it’s not working. Jimin can’t stop thinking about Jeongguk. As a matter of fact, Jeongguk is everything he’s been able to think about since he left the bookstore.
“How much longer are you going to ignore me?” Taehyung’s voice startles him, effectively snapping him out of his thoughts. “What are you thinking about so much that you’ve been staring at the ceiling for at least twenty minutes?” He asks, dropping down on top of him. Jimin groans, but he ends up smiling. He’s settled in the middle of the bed and Taehyung just fell across him, his feet dangling off the edge of the bed, arms stretched above his head and hands pressed to the mattress. “Is it about your dream?”
Jimin scrunches his nose. “Not really,” he mutters.
“Oh?” Taehyung asks, rolling off of him and settling beside him, legs crossed and body turned towards him. “Then what has you so lost in thought?”
Jimin sighs.
“Remember two weeks ago when I went out alone?” He asks.
Taehyung knows what he’s talking about instantly. His eyebrows lift and his expression turns excited. “Oh my god, are you thinking about the boy you met?”
Jimin rolls his eyes. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “But not like that,” he adds, shaking his head. “Nothing happened that night. Remember I told you he was in pain.”
Taehyung sighs, but nods. “Yes, I remember,” he replies. “So, then...why are you thinking about him?”
Jimin told Taehyung everything about that night. The very next day they saw each other, he, Hoseok and Jimin had sat down and Jimin had told them all about his crazy night. But since that day, they hadn’t talked about it again. It was something that happened and that Jimin moved past because he never expected to see Jeongguk again. Yet here he is once again, thinking about the odd encounter he just had with a boy that’s suddenly popping out of nowhere.
“I saw him,” he explains. “Earlier. He was um...he owned the bookstore I went to.”
Taehyung’s eyes widen and Jimin sits up, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. His cheeks heat up but he ignores it and focuses on their conversation.
“Wait, wait,” Taehyung voices out, lifting his hands in the air to stop him. “Did you go to the bookstore to look for him?” He asks.
“No, no,” Jimin quickly replies, shaking his head. “I didn’t know that it was his,” he assures. “I found the instagram page and fell in love with the whole aesthetic. It’s mostly why I wanted to go and, well, they also had the books I wanted.”
“I’m,” Taehyung starts, but stops, shaking his head. “Okay but, I’m not trying to tease you, I swear. You somehow chose a bookstore you liked because of the aesthetics and the boy you met owned it?”
Jimin laughs because he can’t help it. He groans and lets his head fall back, closing his eyes for a couple of seconds. Taehyung’s thought process is basically the same one he had when he saw Jeongguk inside that store. It’s still something he can’t really believe. The odds of that happening...it’s just surprising.
“I know,” he murmurs. “I don’t know how that happened.”
Taehyung snorts. “Destiny happened.”
“Stop,” Jimin mutters, rolling his eyes once again. “Listen, it was strange, okay?” He asks. “There’s just―we have a lot in common. I barely know him but he likes tiger lillies, just like I do, he has them all over the front of the store. He owns a bookshop that also offers coffee? The type of place I’ve always wanted to visit. He even guessed what my favorite coffee is,” he explains. “It’s like there’s something so familiar about him, I can’t quite grasp it.”
Taehyung’s eyebrows furrow.
“I mean. As I said, the only thing that I can think of is that you’re actually soulmates,” he states. Jimin groans and drops back down onto his back. He stares up at the ceiling again, one hand over the other on his belly. “Okay, fine. On a more serious note, then,” Taehyung goes on, dropping down on his belly beside Jimin and propping himself up on his elbows. “I honestly don’t know what to tell you. They’re just coincidences, right? Isn’t that how you meet people you’re supposed to eventually be with? You find out you have many things in common, you connect and then―”
“We haven’t connected,” Jimin interrupts. “I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. He’s in pain,” Jimin whispers, closing his eyes. It takes him back to that night, the pain in Jeongguk’s eyes, the tears sliding down his cheeks, the words he said. If only I’d fallen in love with you on time. Does that mean that person is now out there, in love with someone else? Or maybe they did pass away, like Jimin initially thought. It’s ironic how he told himself he wouldn’t think too much about it because it was useless but he somehow keeps coming back to it. “He’s in pain because he’s in love with somebody who either isn’t around anymore or just doesn’t love him anymore. I have nothing to do there.”
“I’m not saying you do,” Taehyung replies. He reaches out and gently brushes Jimin’s hair strands out of his forehead. “What I mean is, maybe he needs someone new in his life, you know? And I’m not talking about a rebound or a new lover or anything like that. I’m talking about someone who can make him happy again and take that pain away.”
Jimin opens his eyes. “It’s not like we’ll see each other again,” he says.
“You know where he works,” Taehyung mentions, as if that isn’t obvious already. “You can go whenever you want.”
He shakes his head.
“He’s not just broken, Tae,” he begins. “It was different than how it was the night we met. He was closed off. We talked, yes. But it was as if, every time he realized that he was starting to open up, he put up a wall in front of him again. I barely know him, it doesn’t feel fair of me to go see him again when it was pretty clear that he was...uncomfortable, I guess.”
Taehyung eyes him out for a second too long. Jimin trusts Taehyung with his whole life. And because they’ve become such close friends, it’s always easy for the other one to read him and know what’s going on inside his head. Sometimes, he even knows things before Jimin even realizes them. But something about this particular subject is telling Jimin that nobody can know better than him when he’s been experiencing it, when he’s felt it.
“Do you like him?” Taehyung’s words bring him back to the present.
For some reason, they make his heart jump in his chest. “Come on, I just told you I barely know him.”
“So?” Taehyung shoots back. “There are different ways of liking a person. I liked you the very first second I met you and look at us now, you’re my soulmate. Sometimes you meet people that you just like. What’s wrong with that?”
Jimin nibbles on his lower lip nervously. Taehyung has always had a fascinating way of seeing things. Jimin wishes he was a little bit like him sometimes. But because of the accident and because Jimin feels like there’s something missing, it’s hard to let go so easily.
“I guess…” Jimin trails off, sighing deeply. “I guess that I find him...interesting? I mean, I’m so curious about him. Because of the night we met and the whole situation. And then today, all of the things I learned about him.”
“So, you want to know more,” Taehyung states.
Jimin turns his face towards him, squinting. “I won’t see him again.”
“Okay,” Taehyung replies, folding his arms under his head and pressing his cheek to them. “You don’t want to go again. But...if you somehow cross paths with him again?”
“A second time accidentally seeing him?” Jimin asks. “That just sounds far-fetched.”
“I think far-fetched doesn’t apply to you, Jimin-ah,” Taehyung insists. “If you met him the way you did that night and then somehow found him again because you were pulled to the aesthetics of a bookstore. You can’t stop thinking about him...when you think about a person long enough, eventually you’ll pull them back to you. I’m calling it.”
Jimin laughs, turning onto his side to face Taehyung. Even though he knows there’s a serious note to Taehyung’s words, he also knows that he’s doing his best to lighten Jimin’s mood. He’s always going to be so grateful that he met Taehyung and that they became friends.
“We’ll see,” Jimin mumbles. “So, can we stop talking about Jeongguk and talk about my dream?” He asks.
“Jeongguk, huh?” Taehyung asks, making Jimin realize that he hadn’t mentioned his name before. “Okay, yes. Your dream. Are you feeling better than this morning?”
Jimin actually is. Maybe it’s because he got distracted with the whole Jeongguk situation. But he’s glad because he was feeling very terrible during the beginning of the day.
“I am,” he replies sincerely. “I’ve been thinking about the whole accident thing, actually. In my dreams, there’s always someone I’m speaking to,” he explains. “I didn’t realize until today’s dream, though. I always thought that there were voices I just didn’t know. But then I realized it was me. I don’t know who I was talking to but the conversation seemed too real to just be my brain making up something, you know?”
“Do you remember what you were saying?” Taehyung asks.
“I was saying sorry,” he murmurs. “And someone was asking me something, but I don’t really remember what it was. It didn’t really make sense. It was someone younger, though. They were calling me hyung.”
Taehyung thinks about it for a couple of seconds. “Okay...so, does nobody come to mind? Like someone younger than you that you maybe haven’t apologized to or that you apologized to lately?”
Jimin shakes his head. “Not that I know of, no.”
“Maybe someone older?” Taehyung shoots back.
Jimin’s eyebrows furrow. “Well…” he trails off. “Maybe my hyung. He was my best friend before the accident but after that we sort of drifted apart,” he explains. “I actually texted him the other day. He hasn’t replied, which isn’t too surprising. It was kind of my fault.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t,” Taehyung reassures. “Why did you drift away?”
“You know how I felt after I woke up and everything. Even now, I sometimes feel so empty. I closed in on myself and didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Namjoon hyung tried, but then he also started to drift away until he just stopped trying,” he says. “Do you think that it’s somehow related to my dream?”
Taehyung shrugs. “We can’t really know. I’m just seeing what we can work with. Because you keep telling me that you feel empty and that there’s something you feel you’re not remembering so it makes me think…” he trails off. His eyes meet Jimin’s. “If there really is something you don’t remember.”
Jimin nods to himself. He also feels that way. Half the time, he’s sure the whole world has lied to him and there’s something important he just doesn’t remember. Which is very unfair and also very frustrating. But how can he know? He’s asked, he’s always asked his parents to tell him everything he might be missing, but there never is something new.
“Yeah, I’ve also felt that,” he mumbles, shifting in his spot and getting more comfortable. “I think that my parents might be lying to me,” he adds, before he can stop himself. This is something that he’s been keeping in his chest for weeks now. Something he refused to think about and that he didn’t want to voice out because it would make it real, but the second it leaves his mouth, Taehyung’s eyes widen and he sits up, tugging at Jimin to get him to do the same thing.
They sit in front of each other, legs crossed and knees touching. Jimin was tired earlier but right now he isn’t. He knows that if he were to lay down he’d probably fall asleep, either way. Yet he doesn’t want to sleep because lately, all he has are nightmares.
“Why do you think that?” Taehyung asks, reaching out to grab Jimin’s hands. It’s a calming feeling, despite the fact that he’s cold.
Jimin thinks back to the conversation he had with his mother earlier today. After class he’d been feeling very anxious, probably because he hadn’t slept well. And talking with his mother always manages to calm him down. So, he’d called. But the conversation hadn’t really left him feeling any better.
“I talked with my mom earlier,” he begins, tilting his head to the side. “I just wanted to talk to her so I would feel calmer. But then I asked her things and I realized...she’s always avoiding responding, you know? Or sometimes she just answers things that aren’t really what I’m asking,” he explains. “I told her that I feel empty, like there’s something missing. And I asked her if she was maybe forgetting to tell me something important.”
“What did she say?” Taehyung asks, expression focused, worry coloring his features.
“She said that they’d told me everything I needed to know,” he replies. “Fuck, I mean. I don’t know if I’m just looking too deep into it but the way in which she said it? Like there’s maybe more but I don’t need to know about that? And then she said I shouldn’t be thinking about the past, that if there’s really something that I don’t remember, maybe it’s for the better. Maybe it’s just something that is better I don’t know.”
Taehyung’s eyebrows furrow.
“That’s...weird,” he mutters. “No, because, why would she add that? That just makes it sound like there really is something that they’re hiding from you.”
Jimin nibbles on his lower lip.
“I know, right?” He asks. “God, sometimes I just feel like I’m going crazy,” he mumbles.
“You’re not, Jimin-ah,” Taehyung reassures, squeezing his hands gently. “I believe you. And it’s strange, it really is. If your friend, the one you just told me about, doesn’t reply to you...is there some other way you could find information about your past?” He asks. “Nobody else you knew? You said you were in Busan before the accident, right? In your room? Have you gone back since the accident?”
No. He hasn’t gone back to Busan ever since that happened. He hadn’t even thought about it. He left Busan a little over two years ago for college, came to Seoul, went out one night and had an accident. He had surgery, survived and moved on with his life―sort of.
He never went back to Busan.
“I haven’t,” he whispers. “Do you think―oh my god. I hadn’t even thought about it,” he mutters, pulling his hands away from Taehyung’s and carding his fingers through his hair. He holds his head between his hands, heart starting to speed up. “I can go back to Busan for vacations and just...maybe I can find something there.”
Taehyung reaches out for Jimin’s wrists and pulls his hands away from his face, dropping them down and holding them tight. He shows Jimin a small smile. “Yes, you can do that. I thought you’d gone back at least once since then. Maybe there’s something there that can help you figure out what’s going on,” he explains. “Of course, let’s not forget that there’s a chance that...there really isn’t anything that your parents aren’t telling you. I believe you when you say you feel like there’s something missing, but I also don’t want you to get your hopes up or to―”
“Yeah, I know,” Jimin interrupts, nodding slowly. “I guess I just have to hope I’ll get my answers. And if not...then I’ll just hope that the feeling disappears at some point.”
Taehyung leans forward, opening his arms and Jimin smiles, leaning closer as well. They hug in an uncomfortable position for a couple of seconds before they lean away and Taehyung nods.
“It’s all going to be okay,” he states. “I’ll be here for whatever happens.”
“Thank you, Tae,” Jimin whispers.
“And I’ll sleep over because I know you always sleep better when you’re crushing me,” he adds.
“I’ve never crushed you!” Jimin exclaims, swatting at his arm. “You’re the one that uses me as a pillow.”
Taehyung laughs and tugs at him until they fall onto the mattress. They curl up around each other immediately, hugging each other tight. Jimin presses his face to Taehyung’s collarbone and sighs deeply.
“I also maybe need you for next week,” Taehyung adds, after a couple of seconds of silence.
Jimin snorts.
“Is that so?” He asks. “What do you need me for?”
“Well,” Taehyung begins. His arms are wrapped around Jimin and one of his hands is rubbing up and down his back gently. “One of my old teachers, one I had like a year and a half ago, contacted me because she wanted me to model for one of her classes. She said her students need a model and that it would only be a day. And...you know I like those kinds of things. So, naturally, I agreed,” he explains. “Because it’ll be a whole day, from eight in the morning to possibly five or six, I need someone to keep me company, to make me smile when we’re on a break, to feed me and―”
“Oh my god, you’re such a baby,” Jimin interrupts, already laughing against his chest.
Taehyung squeezes his arms around him tightly until he groans, but he lets go gently after a moment and goes back to rubbing his hand up and down Jimin’s back. “You know you’re my guardian angel, I need you around to power me up. So, pretty please?” He asks. “Will you come and accompany me at the start of my new career?”
Jimin laughs louder because Taehyung always likes making a big deal out of things, especially when it’s things that make him very happy. Modeling is something he loves, so it’s not surprising that he’s excited about it and that he wants Jimin to be beside him for this experience.
“Of course, I will,” he replies, once he’s settled down. “You know I’d follow you to the end of the world.”
“You’re the best, Jimin-ah,” Taehyung murmurs, kissing Jimin’s hair loudly and squeezing him tight one last time.