Archive of Our Own

The first cut is the deepest.

Sunoo’s father’s words— and, technically, Rod Stewart lyrics— have echoed in his head for years after his first heartbreak. In the small moments, walking to his dorm after a day of classes, sitting in silence at a senior’s party, staring at a stranger’s face at a first date that is not going well at all— Sunoo remembers those words, as he’s overcome with the ache in his chest that never seems to go away. The first cut is the deepest. 

His father told him that once, when he asked why people were so hung up on their first loves. It was on a quiet summer night, when they were watching some old rom-com in the living room, and Sunoo was complaining about how he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to be in love for the first time. Most people fall in love multiple times in their life, so why is the first such a big deal?

At that question, his father recanted the line, and said nothing else. The first cut is the deepest. It was cryptic, and brief— Sunoo did not feel like prying into his father’s lovelife, so he simply nodded, and stayed quiet for the rest of the film.

He didn’t understand those words until he received his very first cut, at age seventeen.

His name was Park Sunghoon.

New Year’s Eve is a big event for the Kim family.

Every year since Sunoo could remember, his family has always hosted a New Year’s Eve Party. A big, ridiculous party– with silly hats, wine, and too many charcuterie boards, stupid games for the neighborhood and family kids that Sunoo was happy to be excluded from once he got old enough, and drunk adults stumbling into broom closets for far too long to just be checking where the cleaning supplies were stored.

And every year, all Sunoo looked forward to was spending the night with his friends.

“Do you guys have Cherry Coke?” Riki asked, not even looking at Sunoo as he fiddled with an old rubik’s cube, the panels already faded and peeling from years of abuse by the Kim siblings. 

“No, we don’t. We have regular Coke.” Sunoo said, leaning over the ice box, his knees aching and his palms numb as he dug through the ice for his friends’ requested drinks.

They were in the kitchen of Sunoo’s family home, having claimed the space earlier in the evening before guests had started pouring in. Sitting around the little breakfast bar, unwisely mixing beer and wine in their stomachs as they picked at cuts of meat and cheese. Here, they had access to all the drinks and snacks, and most importantly, they wouldn’t have to mingle with the adults in the foyer, or the children in the living room. While this also meant that Sunoo had the all important responsibility of keeping track of the food supply, it was well worth it to not have to deal with the prying questions of are you dating anyone? How’s university? And, do you still have a crush on that Park boy?

“I want Cherry Coke.” Riki muttered petulantly, and Sunoo rolled his eyes.

“We don’t have Cherry Coke.” He said plainly, finally getting up and sliding the cold can of cola across the counter towards Riki. “We have regular Coke, so you’ll have regular Coke.”

“Maybe if you remembered that I like Cherry Coke, we wouldn’t have this conversation every single year.” Riki said, eyes narrowed at the one cracked panel of blue that wasn’t quite in the correct place on the rubik’s cube.

“Maybe if you were born a year earlier you could be having a beer like everyone else instead of whining about your stupid Cherry Coke–”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Jaeyun chastised, taking the rubik’s cube from Riki’s hands. With a few quick hand movements, he solved it, returning it to Riki with a knowing look.

“I wanted to finish it myself.” Riki pouted, poking his tongue against his cheek as he handed the cube to Jungwon, who was sitting on the counter, nursing a cold drink in his hands. “Can you mess this up again?”

Jungwon grinned, putting his drink down. Riki looked away while Jungwon haphazardly turned the cube over in his hands, deftly un-solving what Jaeyun had just solved. He poked his tongue against his cheek as Riki closed his eyes.

“What’s your New Year’s Resolution this year?” Jaeyun turned to Heeseung, obviously taking the chance to change the subject, while Riki was distracted.

“Practice my singing more.” Heeseung shrugged, and Riki snorted. Heeseung narrowed his eyes, turning his head towards Riki’s side of the room. “What are you laughing at, hm? Something funny?”

“Nothing, hyung… It’s just, that’s your resolution every year. If you practice any more, you’ll run your vocal cords dry.” Riki said pointedly, opening his eyes again when Jungwon nudged him and handed the rubik’s cube back. 

“Alright, well, let me guess your resolution. Is it to learn a new style of dance?” Heeseung shot back, and Riki sputtered, vague, almost-words slipping from him for a few moments, before he eventually shrugged, and nodded. “You would have to turn over every rock on the surface of the planet to find a style of dance you haven’t tried yet.”

“Your resolutions suck.” Sunoo commented, picking at a piece of cheese on their half-eaten charcuterie board. He nibbled on the edge of it, the salty, nutty taste coating his tongue, as he looked between Heeseung and Riki’s astounded faces, a sly smile on his face. “What?”

“Fine, I’ll bite. What’s your resolution, Sunoo?” Jaeyun asked, leaning back against the booth seat, fiddling with the button on Heeseung’s sleeve. Why he didn’t just straight up hold Heeseung’s hand, Sunoo chose not to ask. He, and just about anyone with a pair of eyes and half a brain, knew full well that the two had a sort of will they/won’t they type of thing going on.

“Grow three inches taller.” Sunoo said, and around him, his stupid friends bursted into laughter– Heeseung snorting so hard that he must have inhaled some of his wine, making a mess of his chin, the deep red liquid running down his chin and nearly splattering on his pristine white shirt.

“That’s not a resolution.” Jungwon said, clutching his stomach as he laughed so hard he hunched over, his cheek on the table. “That’s wishful thinking!”

“What, you don’t believe I can do it?” Sunoo challenged, heat rising from the pit of his stomach as he felt extremely offended by his friends’ response.

“Maybe.” Riki said, shrugging, with a smile on his face that Sunoo did not like at all. “Maybe, if you grew your hair long enough that you could hold it up with a stupid amount of hairspray–”

Sunoo did not find this funny at all, but his friends really seemed to, laughing so hard, and so loud, that it made Sunoo want to shove wheels of cheese into all of their mouths.

“I know what your New Year’s Resolution should be, Sunoo-yah.” Heeseung suddenly said, clearing his throat, in an attempt to compose himself. He straightened his back, and leaned forward, earnest eyes meeting Sunoo’s. “I think… You should try to be more honest. Like, in general… But maybe, specifically, to yourself. It’ll pay off, I swear.”

At those words, the group burst into laughter again– all except Sunoo, who was frowning deeply, unamused.

“Where’s Jongseong?” Sunoo asked, scrunching his nose, as the laughter slowly died down. He looked around the room, glancing over to the hallway, hoping he would spot their friend. Partly because he was expecting him to arrive and he had not yet, and partly to divert his friends’ attention. Sunoo pouted, “If he was here, he would support me.”

“No, he would laugh too.” Jungwon said, a huge, annoying smile still on his face as he continued. “He’s on his way. Didn’t he tell you? He was running late so he’s carpooling with Sunghoon hyung.”

Sunoo’s heart flipped, that single name making him nervous. “Sunghoon’s family?”

“Well, yeah. And Sunghoon hyung.” Jungwon said, glancing around the table to find their friends avoiding his gaze. “He’s coming. He came home yesterday, his mom told my mom. I told Jaeyun and Riki, they said they would tell you. You didn’t tell him?”

“I may have forgotten. On purpose.” Riki said, sipping his Coke as he looked anywhere but at Sunoo, who was now fuming .

“I told Heeseung!” Jaeyun said, pointing at Heeseung, whose eyes were now panicked, and looking at everyone else as if to say how is this somehow my fault?

“You could have told me yourself!” Sunoo said accusingly, and Jungwon’s hand flew to his chest defensively.

“I was busy! And I told these two to tell you, which they clearly did not!”

“Oh, well, that’s good then! Great, I should– I should go. I should stay in my room for the rest of the night– no, if I do that, they’ll just make me come down at midnight… I should leave, yeah, I’ll leave. I’ll hang out at that 7/11 in town. If my folks look for me, tell them I went to get more beer because we were running low. Okay? I’m going–” Sunoo rambled, as his friends watched, confused and startled by the slew of words that were now flying out of Sunoo faster than any of them could comprehend. Sunoo stood, picking up his coat, not even sure what he was doing. 

He just knew he had to leave.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Heeseung said suddenly, putting a hand on Sunoo’s arm, tugging lightly.

“No, hyung, you don’t understand, I can’t be here .” Sunoo said quickly, bringing his voice down to a whisper, just to avoid any guests overhearing. “I’m going.”

“You’re not going anywhere, because Sunghoon is already here.” Heeseung said, lips tight as he stood, looking down at Sunoo. He cocked his head to the side, to the direction of the hallway, and Sunoo’s eyes followed– and sure enough, there he was.

Park Sunghoon, in the flesh– in all his tall, dark haired, handsome glory. Sunoo swallowed, as his heart plummeted in his chest. 

In that exact moment, Sunghoon craned his neck, and caught sight of the kitchen– his eyes meeting Sunoo’s. And then, he smiled. That charming, toothy, dimpled smile that always made Sunoo feel breathless.

“And he’s looking right at you.” Heeseung continued, smiling back at Sunghoon, who was now waving from the doorway. “So, Sunoo-yah. I think tonight might be a good time for you to get started on your Resolution.”

Ah, fuck.

Park Sunghoon was his first crush, his first love, his first heartbreak.

They met at a New Year’s Eve party, just like this. Only they were much smaller, and were holding sippy cups of apple juice instead of flutes of champagne and beer cans. Sunoo’s mother had yet to commission the extension of the house, so it was much smaller, and since the kids were too young to invite friends, there were a few less people than there tend to be now. 

Sunoo had been spending most of the night with Jungwon, his doe eyed best friend and next door neighbor, who was a year younger than him and looked at him like he was the coolest person in the world. It was late into the night, and the party games had long finished. Adults had retired into secluded corners for quiet conversations, and the neighborhood children had split into groups. 

Sunoo and Jungwon were huddled up next to the fireplace, playing jackstones of all things. Jungwon’s fingers were a little too small, and Sunoo’s timing was awful. Neither of them could get past level two.

“You’re too slow.”

Sunoo looked up, to find two boys standing over them.The first, he recognized as his friend Heeseung, the Lee family’s youngest child. The other kid, Sunoo had never seen before. He was a skinny little thing, with crooked teeth and thick lenses on his glasses that seemed to barely hang onto the bridge of his nose. His hair was long, falling across his eyes. He was the one who had criticized Sunoo’s skills.

“I know I’m too slow.” Sunoo shot back, frowning at the two boys who were now sitting down next to him and Jungwon. “Heeseung hyung, who’s this rude boy you brought with you?”

“This is Sunghoon, and you should be calling him hyung , too.” Heeseung said, with a pointed stare as he grabbed the ball from Sunoo’s hand, bouncing it experimentally. “His family just moved into town, so play nice, or I’ll tell your mom. Sunghoon-ah, this is Jungwon, he lives next door. And that’s Sunoo, he’s Mr. and Mrs. Kim’s son. He’s a little rude sometimes.”

“Hey!” Sunoo scolded, though he knew it fell on deaf ears. Heeseung was a couple years older than them, so this was typical behavior for him. Sunoo pouted, upset that he was being ignored, but didn’t say much as he sat back and let Heeseung play. 

One, thump. Two, thump. Three, thump. Four, thump.

Heeseung got all the way to level five, with Jungwon and Sunoo watching, wide-eyed, jaws slack as his hands moved deftly– until he reached level six, which proved to be too much. Heeseung clicked his tongue, throwing he ball at the tiled floor in frustration, and Sunoo snickered, feeling a little vindicated by Heeseung’s failure. 

“Wah, you’re so good, hyung!” Jungwon praised, eyes sparkling as he looked up at Heeseung, who still looked agitated. The ball rolled around after Heeseung had thrown it, hitting one of the coffee table’s legs and bouncing back towards Sunoo.

Sunoo caught the ball, about to play, when the new kid stopped him.

“I’ll play a round.” The new boy, Sunghoon, said, holding his hand out for the ball. Sunoo looked at his palm skeptically, not really wanting to give this rude boy what he wanted– but when he looked to the side, Heeseung was glaring at him. Sunoo remembered that Heeseung had asked him to play nice, and remembered that this Sunghoon boy was supposedly older than him– so reluctantly, he handed Sunghoon the ball, trying not to look too annoyed.

Sunghoon gathered the stones in one hand, and spread them all at once. Sunoo tilted his head, confused. Heeseung seemed to catch on as well, because he gently reminded Sunghoon; “You’re supposed to start at level one.”

Sunghoon simply bounced the ball, his hand splaying out to catch all ten stones, and then the ball, in a couple swift motions. 

“Cool!” Jungwon clapped, scooting closer to Sunghoon, “You’re cool, Sunghoon hyung.”

Sunghoon beamed at the compliment, flashing a single dimple that Sunoo stared at for a little too long. Petulantly, he turned his head downward, staring at the stones that were now gathered near Sunghoon’s feet in a neat little pile, muttering, how did he do that?

“Want me to teach you?” Sunghoon asked, and Sunoo looked up, eyes meeting Sunghoon’s for the very first time. 

Sunghoon was smiling, snaggletooth, red cheeks and all– and that was the first time Sunoo had ever found himself thinking someone’s smile was like starlight.

Sunoo was having what he could only describe as a panic attack in the downstairs bathroom, sitting on the toilet while Jungwon reluctantly stroked his back, possibly an attempt to be soothing that only made Sunoo closer to losing his shit.

“I can’t do this, I can’t be here.” Sunoo said, struggling to breathe, running a hand through his hair.

“Why not? It’s not a big deal, it’s Sunghoon hyung. You’ve known him for years. I’m sure he doesn’t even remember–”

“What, the three page letter confessing my love in disturbingly vivid detail that I sent to him when he graduated? That he, by the way, did not respond to?” Sunoo interjected, staring at a stain on the floor that he had never noticed before. He frowned at it, biting his lip as he turned his attention back to Jungwon. “Yes, it totally makes me feel better, that you think he doesn’t even remember that.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want me to say!” Jungwon said, and just then, the door to the bathroom opened, and the music playing in the living room floated in, along with about fifty distinct voices locked in deep conversation. Riki snuck in through the door, closing it quietly behind him so as to not attract too much attention, leaning against it and scowling as he met Jungwon and Sunoo’s frenzied stares. “There we go, okay. Riki, please tell us some good news. Maybe Sunghoon hyung and his family decided to leave early?”

“Yeah, no.” Riki said quickly, visibly wincing as he shook his head and suddenly seemed to have a hard time looking Sunoo in the eye. “Actually, I came in here to tell you that he’s looking for you.”

“Me?” Sunoo pointed to his own chest, suddenly feeling nauseous.

“Yes I believe I was gesturing towards you, the only person in this room that Sunghoon hyung could possibly be looking for, since he already said hi to both Jungwon and myself.”

“Okay, I really don’t need you to be glib with me right now.” Sunoo groaned, closing his eyes and sinking further into himself as he leaned back, his head hitting the wall behind him. He cracked one eye open, “Could you tell him I’m sick? Or that I went out to buy drinks? Oh– do you think he’d believe you if you said I had to fly back?”

“On New Year’s Eve? Sure, I think he would buy that.” Riki said, his lips in a tight line as he nodded, clearly only in faux agreement. “If he was an idiot.” 

“I thought I said I didn’t need you to be glib!”

“And I don’t need to lie to Sunghoon hyung for you .” Riki rolled his eyes, sighing as he squatted down to be at eye level with Sunoo. He spoke again, in a much softer voice. “Look. It’s Sunghoon hyung. He adores you, he always has– and he hasn’t been home in two years, and he’s looking for you . Whatever might have happened when he left, he clearly wants to talk to you now. So just go and say hi. It can’t hurt.”

“But what if it does?”

Sunoo’s eyes started to sting with unshed tears, his lip trembling as he looked down at Riki, as he thought of the years he had spent pining after Sunghoon– and the humiliating days and months he had spent waiting for his response. “What if it does hurt?”

“He was smiling, hyung. Didn’t look like he wanted to hurt you.” Riki said gently, perhaps a little patronizingly– but Sunoo believed him, anyway. He wouldn’t lie about something like this. “And if he does, well. What’s a little pain, anyway? You can handle it.”

“Not helping!”

“It sounds like he just wants to see you.” Jungwon said, cutting off the impending argument. He grunted, hoisting Sunoo up by the arm and pulling him to his feet by force. Sunoo whined, but let himself be pulled, whining into Jungwon’s shoulder. “So stop being a baby and take Heeseung hyung’s advice. Be more honest.”

“It’s not the New Year yet!”

“Right, but it will be in a little less than two hours, so…” Jungwon replied, as he began to walk them both towards the door, which Riki was now holding open. “Maybe it’s a good idea to get a head start this year, hm?”

“Or maybe I should just stab myself in the eye with an ice pick.”

“Sure, hyung.” Riki said dismissively, fixing Sunoo’s disshevelled hair as they made their way back to the kitchen. Riki clicked his tongue, wiping away some of the tears that had gathered in in the corners of Sunoo’s eyes. “Let’s call that Plan B.”

Sunoo loved him when they were very young, when Sunghoon was a bright eyed boy whose dark hair was long enough that it covered his eyes, a toothy smile always on his face as he teased Sunoo. Always teasing Sunoo.

It was at this age that Sunghoon started figure skating, small and awkward on the ice. Sunoo, Jungwon, and Heeseung went to his competitions, cheering him on, throwing flowers and stuffed toys that their parents handed to them when Sunghoon bowed at the end of each performance. 

They would all go to a pizza place afterwards, Sunghoon blushing and beaming at their words of encouragement as he dug his spoon into a banana split, letting Sunoo eat the strawberry ice cream because it was his favorite.

Sunoo loved him in middle school, when he was an awkward pre-adolescent boy, with too-long limbs and narrow shoulders, by all means the most awkward person you could ever find– until he was on the ice. On the ice, he moved like a fish in water.

“It’s like he skates better than he walks.” Heeseung said one day, sipping an extra large cola as they sat in the spectator’s area, waiting for Sunghoon’s practice to finish so they could all go see a movie together. Next to him, Riki nodded, hands wrapped tightly around a red bean bun, eyes wide as he watched Sunghoon practice. Riki was a new addition to their group, a friend that Sunghoon had made at his dance lessons– and at this time, he was a shy kid who barely spoke, far from the menace that Sunoo had to deal with now.

Sunoo had never thought of it that way, but Heeseung was right. Sunghoon was practicing a new routine, attempting a spin he had never succeeded before. It was late into the afternoon, and his practice hours were coming to an end. Sunoo could see even from a distance that Sunghoon’s palms were bright red from landing on the ice more than a few times, and there were shards of ice all over his pants. Clearly, he had failed to land the jump thus far.

But, as if he felt no pain at all, Sunghoon had a determined look on his face, skating around the rink, building momentum, arms spread as he danced to an imaginary tune– before launching into the air, and finally, finally, landing the spin.

When his blades touched the ice, he slid across the ice, a triumphant smile on his face. His coach was clapping, clearly pleased, and Sunoo had barely noticed that he was on his feet as well, cheering along with Heeseung and Jungwon. Sunoo thought he was beautiful, like this.

Sunoo loved him in high school, when his shoulders had gotten broader, and his smile had become more confident. When he stopped wearing glasses, and when, it seemed, several hundred people loved him too.

It was during this time that Jaeyun and Jongseong transferred to their school– Sunghoon clicked with them instantly, and so the two became welcome additions to their little group. Unfortunately, this was also when Sunghoon had started to pull away little by little. His figure skating career was starting to pick up, and he had several medals under his belt. As his competitions became farther and farther from town, he was starting to have less and less time for school, and even less time for his friends, so Sunoo rarely saw him.

Still, he watched all his performances. Texted him as much as he could, even sneaking in a call here and there. When Sunghoon was in town, they all hung out, just like usual. Movies, the arcade, soccer, all nighters studying for tests– whatever they could fit into Sunghoon’s schedule, became precious hours spent together. And when Sunghoon went to school, it was a whole affair . The school would make a big deal of it, putting up posters of their town’s pride, girls gossiping as he passed through hallways with his windswept hair and dangerous smile. And he glowed. He always did, in Sunoo’s eyes, but this was different. He felt untouchable. 

Sunoo loved him on good days, like when he had landed his first axel jump, grinning as he rushed to the edge of the rink with the biggest smile on his face, yelling at the top of his lungs, “I did it!”, as Sunoo and the rest of their friends got on their feet to whoop and cheer for him. On days when they would all hang out in Sunoo’s backyard, passing an old soccer ball around, laughing and rolling in the grass under the late afternoon sun– and on days when it was just the two of them at the local ice cream shop, talking about useless things like Heeseung’s newfound penchant for singing girl group songs, and things that weren’t so useless, like their disagreements with their parents and their hopes for the future.

Sunooo loved him on bad days, like when he came home without a trophy for the very first time and refused to leave his bedroom for two days, and everyone had tried to get him to come out. After some careful coaxing, he had finally agreed to let Sunoo into his room– then, Sunoo had tricked him into eating something, and got him to shower, even cracking a smile when Sunoo had told him he didn’t look as handsome with unwashed hair. On days when nothing was going right, but one text, one phone call, one late night visit with caramel popcorn and mint chocolate ice cream– and suddenly, everything felt alright again.

Sunoo cherished those days, keeping each one as close to his heart as he could. So it hurt all the more when Sunghoon started to go to school less, started to spend more and more days, weeks, and months in far away cities. Sunoo wanted to keep Sunghoon close, wanted to keep him all to himself– but of course, there was no way he could do that. 

So he just smiled encouragingly, with his all broken heart, as Sunghoon slowly slipped farther and farther out of his reach.

He was just as radiant as Sunoo remembered, and it made Sunoo want to gauge his own eyes out. 

Sunghoon was sitting with the rest of their friends, gathered around the Kim family’s living room. He was nursing a can of beer in one hand, laughing at some story that Heeseung was telling. 

Looking for something else to do, Sunoo looked around him. It seemed most of the party had migrated to other parts of the house. In the corner of his eye, Sunoo spotted his mother hosting some of the neighbors in the dining room, a wine glass in hand as she leaned in closer to catch whatever gossip Mrs. Choi seemed to be whispering in her ear. The door to his father’s study was open, likely occupied by many of the men in attendance. Sunoo didn’t know where his brothers were, but figured they were likely hanging out with the rest of the older kids elsewhere in the house. It was rare for the living room to be vacant, at parties like this, so they were fortunate to have snuck in at the right time.

Soft music continued to play from a speaker in the corner, filling the room with as much warmth as the crackling hearth next to where Sunoo’s friends were sitting. All around the house, there were discarded wine glasses and stray cookies on abandoned plates. It was almost 10:00pm, and there was a buzz in the air as people waited for midnight to strike. 

Upon glancing, Sunoo noticed that the sky outside was clear, though it was snowing lightly, the windows frosted and spattered with snowflakes– perfect weather to watch the fireworks later on in the evening. It was, by all means, a perfect New Year’s Eve.

Except for the fact that Sunoo would have to relive his biggest heartbreak. 

When Sunoo, Riki, and Jungwon arrived, Sunghoon turned, eyes lighting up as soon as he saw Sunoo, and suddenly Sunoo was overcome with the overwhelming urge to turn around and walk straight into the bathroom again. Jugwon seemed to sense this, because his hand tightened around Sunoo’s shoulder, continuing to steer him in the direction of the breakfast bar.

“Sunoo, I was wondering where you were. Your folks said you’d be here.” Jongseong said, scooting to the left to make space for Sunoo and gesturing for him to sit. “Come sit down, Sunghoon says he hasn’t seen you since–”

“Since the day I flew out, after graduation.” Sunghoon said, hair falling across his eyes. 

When he smiled, a million familiar feelings and memories flashed through Sunoo’s mind. Holding hands as they jumped in the swimming pool in summer, playing video games in Sunghoon’s room on rainy days. Birthday parties, graduations, gold medals. Bruised palms, warm hugs, and countless days where his eyes followed those broad shoulders anywhere they went.

Years, wanting nothing more than to tell Sunghoon how he felt.

Sunoo shifted uncomfortably in his seat, swallowing as he tried his best not to stare at Sunghoon. It was hard, when he looked just as he always had; like he was made to make Sunoo’s entire world fall apart. “How have you been? I’ve missed you.”

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed you.

The words echoed inside Sunoo’s mind, bouncing around his skull, promptly pushing out any other thought that could have been occupying precious space inside his head– he missed me. He missed me.

“Sunoo hyung is a university student now, he’s studying Theatre Arts.” Riki said quickly, when it was starting to look like Sunoo was too stunned to answer. “He’s attending the same university as Heeseung hyung.”

“Oh, my mom told me about that!” Sunghoon said, nodding as he took a sip of his beer, keeping his eyes on Sunoo– whose heart was pounding a mile a minute. “That means you’re not far from where I train. How come you never told me? Heeseung hyung and I grab dinner pretty often. You could have joined us.”

“Sunoo’s pretty busy, you know, Freshman stuff.” Heeseung waved off. In truth, Heeseung had invited Sunoo multiple times, and Sunoo had always said no. He just couldn’t face Sunghoon. And now he had no choice. “Maybe next semester he’ll have more time.”

“Yeah, that would be great. I would love to see you more often. It’s been so long.” Sunghoon said, smiling like nothing was wrong, like his words weren’t sending Sunoo to a downward spiral of regret and oh my God is he really saying all of this?

“Yes,” Sunoo swallowed. He paused, scrambling to think of what he should say next. Talking to Sunghoon used to be easy. “It’s been a long time, hyung. How’s training?”

“It’s alright, but I’m taking a little break, so I’ll be home for a while.” Sunghoon responded with a shrug, reaching for the plate of cookies, nibbling off the edge as he avoided the curious stares of their friends.

“I didn’t know that.” Jongseong raised an eyebrow, leaning forward apprehensively. “How long are you staying for?”

“A few weeks.” Sunghoon answered through a tight lipped smile, looking very much like he didn’t want to talk about it. Knowing him very well, everyone seemed to pick up on it immediately, and chose not to ask. Sunghoon cleared his throat, shooting a grin at Jongseong and Jaeyun. “So how long will you guys be in town?”

“Jongseong and I will be here until the fifteenth.” Jaeyun replied, a devious grin slowly creeping onto his face. He turned to Sunoo, “How about you and Heeseung hyung?”

“We’re taking the same flight on the seventeenth.” Sunoo said, and he couldn’t help but smile back, though he wasn’t sure what it was that Jaeyun was thinking about– he just knew that whatever it was, they were all bound to get into trouble. Jongseong was mirroring the smile, like the two of them had some secret they were just about to let everyone in on. Sunop huffed,  “What? Why are you two smiling like that?” 

“Nothing. I just think we should celebrate Sunghoon’s birthday.” Jaeyun said, smirking into his wine glass. 

“His birthday was three weeks ago.” Jungwon frowned.

“Yeah, and we didn’t celebrate with him.” Jongseong said, mischief in his eyes as he set his glass down, grabbing the wine bottle. With a smug grin, he poured it into his glass until it was full– and then, he proceeded to pour it out into everyone else’s glasses until they were equally as full as his own. Sunoo’s eyes widened, thinking about the look on his mother’s face if she would have seen the obscenely full glass. “And we didn’t celebrate together last year, either– so how about we drink to two years’ worth of birthdays?”

“We didn’t celebrate any of our birthdays together this year.” Sunoo said incredulously, barely able to lift his glass with how much liquid was in it.

“Then I guess all seven of us will drink seven birthdays’ worth of alcohol.”

“I can’t drink.” Riki said, a sour look on his face as he glared at the can of cola on the coffee table like it had personally offended him.

“Then the six of us will drink for you!” Jaeyun said, slapping a hand across Jungwon’s back. Jungwon choked on his drink, looking slightly alarmed as he watched Jongseong get up, walking towards the kitchen. When Jongseong came back, he was carrying the ice box that Sunoo was digging through the earlier in the evening. 

“To the New Year!” Jongseong cheered, as he pulled a fresh bottle of white wine from the ice box. Next to him, Jaeyun was holding up his cup with a wolfish grin on his lips.

Sunoo suddenly felt nauseous again.

Sunoo agonized over the stupid letter for weeks . 

The half-filled page of stationary stared at him almost mockingly, sitting pristinely atop his study desk, like it was just waiting to be finished. 

“This is a stupid idea.” Sunoo groaned, pushing the page away from him, grimacing as he noticed the ink stain on the back of his palm. He reached across the table for some wet wipes, scowling as he wiped away the black ink with perhaps a little too much aggression.

“It was your stupid idea, hyung.” Jungwon replied, flipping absently through a sports magazine. He was on Sunoo’s bed, lying on his stomach, groaning as he turned over, still reading the article like it was much more interesting than Sunoo’s predicament.

“You told me to do it!” 

“Because you said you wanted to!” Jungwon shot back, narrowing his eyes at the half-written letter strewn on top of the desk. “Looks like you’ve written most of it, anyway. Just do it, hyung. Like you said, Sunghoon’s leaving soon, anyway. After that, you’ll probably never see him again.”

“Thanks, Jungwon, hearing you say that really makes me feel better.”

“I’ll miss him too, you know. And I’ll miss Jongseong and Jaeyun, who are also leaving for university, and I miss Heeseung, who left town last year, too, in case you forgot–”

“I didn’t forget! Obviously I’ll miss them, but it’s different.” Sunoo said defensively, rolling his eyes. Jungwon did not need to remind him that their other friends were leaving too. He knew that perfectly well. “You know it is.”

“Yes, yes, because you’ve been pining after Sunghoon like a loser for half your life–”

“How about you go to Riki’s house instead, if all you’re going to do is be snarky at me?” 

“I’ll have you know, I’m doing my very best to support you.” Jungwon said, turning his nose up as he peered over his magazine to make eye contact with Sunoo. “I’ll even drop off the letter for you, so all you have to do is write it.”

At those words, Sunoo continued to sulk, frowning at his ink stained hands. He tried his best, but it looked like the ink wasn’t coming off anytime soon. Jungwon seemed to notice Sunoo’s apprehension, because he sighed, putting his magazine down, leaning on the palm of his hand as he looked straight at Sunoo.

“Just tell him how you feel, hyung. It’s your last chance.” Jungwon said, his voice much softer. A gentle encouragement. “All you have to do is be honest.”

Sunoo took a deep breath, and nodded. His hands were already covered in ink, anyway. He may as well get something out of it. So he turned back to his desk, and finished writing– pouring every last bit of affection into every word, every carefully written letter, every stroke of his pen. 

Later that afternoon, Jungwon dropped by Sunghoon’s house on his way home, and handed the letter off.

And Sunoo never got a response from Sunghoon.

By 11:48pm, Jungwon was passed out on the sofa, his head in Jongseong’s lap, with red stained lips and cookie crumbs in his hair, snoring quietly. Jongseong himself was slouched, nodding off to sleep every now or so, clearly just as wasted.

Jaeyun had drank so much wine that he had to run to the toilet fifteen minutes ago, with Heeseung closely following– looking both fondly amused and concerned, as Jaeyun clearly looked as though he was about to throw up. Smirking, Riki had gotten up on his feet rushing to get his camera out, clearly wanting to capture Jaeyun’s suffering on film– one more reason Sunoo was suddenly glad he wasn’t about to puke his guts out in the guest bathroom.

That left only two of them (that were still fully conscious) in the living room. Sunghoon had not been drinking as much as anyone else, and the only reason Jongseong gave him a pass was because he was never allowed to drink much because of his training. Still, what little alcohol he had consumed had him flushed, dazedly blinking at the fireplace as it crackled and popped, a content smile on his face. He was obviously a little drunk, though Sunoo had no desire to point that out.

Sunoo was sitting on the floor, his knees to his chest, staring at the fire as well. Neither of them said a word.

It was nearing midnight, and many of the guests had been called to the deck to wait for the fireworks. In a few minutes, Sunoo knew he would have to wake up Jungwon and Jongseong, and collect Jaeyun, Heeseung, and Riki, so he could lead them all to the backyard where the rest of the guests were.

“Sunoo.” Sunghoon suddenly said, just as Sunoo was beginning to appreciate the silence. Sunghoon’s voice calling his name was so familiar, and warm. It made Sunoo take a sharp inhale, his heart hammering inside him. 

“Hm?” 

“Why are you avoiding me?” Sunghoon asked, eyes still on the fire.

“What?” Sunoo asked, feeling his heart speed up. “Hyung, I’m not avoiding you.”

“Then how come you never texted me? You said you would.” Sunghoon said, brows knitting together– he sounded hurt. Sunoo swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. "And even if you are busy with Freshman stuff, or whtever it is Heeseung said, there's no way you've had absolutely no time to see me these past few months." 

“You never texted me, either.” Sunoo replied, and it seemed Sunghoon could not say anything back.

The silence between those moments was deafening. Distantly, he heard his father announce that there was now less than ten minutes to midnight, but at this moment, Sunoo could not find it in him to care. 

Sunoo stared at Sunghoon, at the lines of his face, his swept back hair. His eyes traced the arch of his nose, the points of his jawline, and the beauty marks that always always looking charming to him. He looked the same as he always had– a little sharper, shoulders broader, older. But still, it was the same Sunghoon that he had always been.

The same Sungoon that Sunoo had always loved.

“I just… Waited, I guess.” Sunghoon replied, after the long silence.

“Waited?” Sunoo said, unable to stop the irritation rising from inside him now as blood rushed to his head. He stood up, clenching his jaw tightly as he turned his back from Sunghoon, hoping to collect his thoughts, to calm himself down. When he turned back around, Sunghoon was also standing, a confused look on his face as he got to his feet, stumbling a little as he followed Sunoo. Sunoo grimaced, keeping his voice low so as to not alert anyone who could have been walking past, “I sent you a three page letter, and you waited ?”

“What?” Sunghoon exclaimed, a little too loudly, at that– Sunoo had to shush him, pressing a hand to his mouth as he looked around to see if anyone had heard. When Sunoo lifted his hand away, Sunghoon was quick to continue, his voice still a little louder than Sunoo was comfortable with; “You sent me a what ?”

“Will you keep it down?” Sunoo rushed out, catching sight of one of his father’s co-workers walking past the living room to grab a drink from the kitchen. Sunoo stepped back, nodding as the man passed and smiling politely. Sunghoon seemed to not notice the exchange, a puzzled look on his face as he seemed to struggle to process what Sunoo had just told him. Sunoo clicked his tongue, breathing a sigh of relief as the man disappeared into the hallway. He turned to Sunghoon; “Okay, we’re not having this conversation here. Come on.”

Sunoo grabbed Sunghoon’s coat from the sofa, shoving it into Sunghoon’s arms before casting a glance at Jungwon and Jongseong. They were fast asleep. Sunoo could only hope that they would wake up on their own before midnight, as he paced away from the living room and headed towards the front door, knowing Sunghoon was following him only because he could hear his footsteps.

Sunoo didn’t have any coats with him. This was his house, after all– he hadn’t thought to bring one downstairs when the party started all those hours ago. He decided it didn’t matter, heading straight to the front porch which was thankfully isolated, since most of the guests were in the backyard.

The cold hit him as soon as he opened the door, but he braved through it, gritting his teeth as he kept moving forward, shutting the door behind them as Sunghoon stepped onto the porch. 

It was cold enough that Sunoo could see his breath in the air, warm wisps evaporating in the frigid weather. They had cleaned the porch earlier in the day in preparation for the party, but there was still a stray pile of snow gathered here and there. Sunoo stepped over most of it, crossing his arms as he looked at Sunghoon, prepared to say whatever it was that came to his mind first– he wasn’t sure yet, as he did not see this happening at all when he imagined how this party would go.

“Sunoo, let’s just do this inside. It’s way too cold.” Sunghoon stopped him, before he could say anything. Sunoo frowned, his eyes landing on Sunghoon’s hard gaze. He couldn’t believe Sunghoon was complaining about the stupid weather at a time like this– ridiculous, honestly. 

“You’re not even wearing a coat.” Sunghoon said, and Sunoo’s jaw went slack as he realized what Sunghoon meant. “I know you get cold easily.”

Oh .

“No, it’s fine. This won’t take long.” Sunoo assured, but Sunghoon didn’t seem to buy it. “We just have to… What do you mean, what ?”

“I’m not sure what else I could have meant by that.” Sunghoon said, still looking stern. “Let’s go inside, Sunoo. Your nose is already turning red.”

“I’m fine, hyung. I just don’t understand, what do you mean? I wrote you a letter, two years ago. Before you left. It was a really, really long letter. Like, embarrassingly long.” Sunoo groaned, suddenly feeling the urge to cover his face with his hands.

“I never got it.” 

“What do you mean you never got it– ”

“Sunoo-yah, I don’t know how I can be more clear about this. I never received a letter from you. If I did… Well, I don’t know. What was in the letter?” Sunghoon said, eyes flitting over Sunoo’s face. He must have seen something he didn’t like, because he clicked his tongue.

Rude .

“What was in it?” Sunoo wasn’t sure how to respond, looking away. “Nothing, just stupid stuff. Don’t concern yourself with it. You’re right, let’s just go inside…”

“No.” Sunghoon grunted, and Sunoo was about to complain about how he wanted to go back inside just moments ago, when Sunghoon unwrapped the thick woolen scarf from around his neck and then proceeded to drape it around Sunoo. He stepped forward to do so, much closer than they had ever been. Sunoo’s heart jumped, their proximity making him nervous. When he looked up at Sunghoon, he couldn’t stop his own eyes from landing on his lips, which were pursed irritably. Cute, he thought, before chastising himself. 

“We’re finishing this conversation. What was in the letter?” Sunghoon suddenly said, as he finished tucking the scarf over Sunoo’s chin. When he was done, he reached into the pockets of his coat, fishing out a pair of gloves that matched the scarf, and then he gently grasped Sunoo’s hands, reaching for the left first.

“I told you, it was stupid.” Sunoo said, as Sunghoon warmed his hand between his, gripping it firmly and rubbing before slipped his it into the glove. He did the same with Sunoo’s other hand– and all of a sudden, Sunoo didn’t feel so cold.

In fact, he felt warm. 

“You wrote me a three page letter with stupid things on it?” Sunghoon prodded, his hand still on Sunoo’s, still standing closely. From this distance, Sunoo could smell the wine from his breath. He must have been very drunk.

Then again, so was Sunoo.

It was still snowing, just lightly, little flakes carried by the cold breeze, tickling their cheeks. Sunoo watched as the snowflakes landed in Sunghoon’s hair, shimmering under the golden glow of the porch light above them. They could still hear the faint sound of music playing from inside the house, and from the backyard, Sunoo heard his father yell, two minutes to midnight!

There was a stiff silence, as Sunoo considered his options. A few long seconds that felt like forever passed, and Sunoo made a decision. They could talk about this later, or maybe never. Either was fine for Sunoo.

“We should go.” Sunoo said suddenly, trying to move past Sunghoon– but Sunghoon stopped him, a hand on his wrist, and an earnest look in his eyes, stepping closer again. Now they were only inches apart. Another step, and…

Sunoo held his breath, and Sunghoon kept his eyes on the younger boy. He was waiting for Sunoo to respond.

“Hyung.” Sunoo said, suddenly feeling lightheaded, as his eyes fell to Sunghoon’s mouth again. “If I tell you what was in that letter, it’ll change things.”

“Maybe things should change.”

Sunoo faltered, eyes flickering to meet Sunghoon’s. Sunoo bit his cheek. “Is that what you want?”

“What was in the letter, Sunoo?”

One minute! The crowd in the backyard yelled, and Sunoo wondered if someone had woken Jungwon and Jongseong up. Was Jaeyun alright? Hopefully their friends have joined the rest of the guests in the backyard. 

“Sunoo.” Sunghoon prodded, and Sunoo could no longer distract himself with those thoughts. 

The crowd began to count down the seconds, like a timer for Sunoo’s impending doom.

Fifty !

“What did it say?” Sunghoon asked again, his voice gentle, but firm.

“I don’t remember.” A lie, a total lie. Sunoo remembered at least three quarters of what was in the darned letter.

Forty-two !

“Just tell me the gist.” Sunghoon insisted, and for a moment– a moment that lasted a fair few seconds, he glanced down, at Sunoo’s mouth. Sunoo’s heart skipped a beat.

Thirty-five!

“It was a long letter,” Sunoo said, eyes flitting from Sunghoon’s eyes to his mouth, barely noticing that he had inched forward, unconsciously leaning into Sunghoon’s warmth– or that Sunghoon was moving closer and closer, too.

Twenty-six !

“I’ve seen you memorize two hundred pages of a script, Sunoo.” Sunghoon said, so close that Sunoo could almost taste the wine on his tongue. “So stop lying, and just tell me what it was about.”

“It was about how I was the one who broke your Gameboy in Sixth Grade,” Sunoo answered, warmth blooming from his chest when the corners of Sunghoon’s mouth lifted into a short, breathless laugh. 

Sixteen !

“Three pages, just for that?” Sunghoon’s lips tilted into a warm, wonderful smile. 

“Well, I described my crime in great detail.” Sunoo responded, swallowing as Sungoon nodded, though he did not look convinced in the slightest that this was what was really in the letter.

Ten!

“Sunoo.” Sunghoon said finally, his voice so quiet, so low, that it sent shivers down the length of Sunoo’s spine. He was still standing so close. “If you don’t tell me what was in that letter…”

With bated breath, Sunoo waited for Sunghoon to finish his sentence, his heart beating so loud he wondered if Sunghoon could hear it. He could feel every hair on his body standing on end, warmth blooming in his chest as he anxiously hung onto Sunghoon’s every word.

“... I won’t kiss you.” Sunghoon said, and Sunoo couldn’t stop himself– he laughed, lips turning upward into an uncontrollable smile as he lifted a hand to Sunghoon’s chest, slapping it with hardly enough force.

Five! Four! Three! Two!

“You! You’re so–” Sunoo never finished his sentence, stopping squarely when Sunghoon’s lips slid over his. Sunoo gasped, knees feeling weak as Sunghoon kissed him firmly, tenderly, one hand on his jaw, the other sliding around his waist, pulling him closer.

Fireworks. It was midnight– the start of the New Year. The crackling sounds filled Sunoo’s ears, booming and impossible to ignore– and yet, Sunoo couldn’t find it in himself to care or take notice, too focused on the pair of lips on his, and the taste of wine on his tongue. He slid his hands into Sunghoon’s hair, something he has wanted to do for as long as he could remember, whimpering when Sunghoon kissed him harder. The sound of the fireworks only made it feel more intense, more real, as he kissed Sunghoon back with all the fervor of someone who has been pining after his first love for well over ten years.

They kissed for a long time, the fireworks dying down by the time the slowly pulled away– and even then, Sunghoon chased Sunoo’s lips, leaving chaste pecks as Sunoo smiled, backing away to take a breath.

Sunghoon pressed their foreheads together, as the last of the fireworks popped away in the distance, and the cheering from the guests in the backyard slowly dissipated. They were both smiling, wide, hopeless smiles, hearts hammering wildly as the same warm, giddy feelings filled their chests. 

“You said you wouldn’t kiss me.” Sunoo pouted, and Sunghoon laughed.

“And you, at age eleven, said no, you would never in a million years like me. And that I was gross, and that I should be embarrassed to even think that you would.” Sunghoon countered, his arms coming around Sunoo’s shoulders, engulfing him into a long, euphoric hug. 

“I was eleven! Heeseung hyung was making fun of me, what was I supposed to do?”

“Well, after that, I figured I should just keep my feelings to you for myself.” Sunghoon sighed, placing his chin on top of Sunoo’s head. “If I had known earlier. If you had told me earlier…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I the one who just waited for you to text first for two years?” Sunoo said, still a little annoyed when he recalled what Sunghoon had said earlier. “I wasn’t texting you because I was waiting for you to call me or something, because I sent you a stupid three page confession!”

“I never got the letter! And you always text first, so I thought you were mad at me or something, so I just waited.”

“For two years ?”

“Okay, so I admit that wasn’t my best decision.” Sunghoon finally conceded, sighing. “Are we still going to argue like this as boyfriend and boyfriend? Because that would be exhausting. I guess it’s partially my responsibility because I keep poking fun at you, but in my defense, teasing you is one of my life’s greatest pleasures, so–”

“Hyung.” 

“If your reactions weren’t so funny and adorable, maybe I wouldn’t pick so many fights with you–”

“Hyung.” Sunoo said, with slightly more force, breaking away from the hug. He looked up at Sunghoon, gloved hands reaching out to cup Sunghoon’s face, stopping the onslaught of excuses as to why he loved teasing Sunoo so much. Sunoo looked him dead in the eye. “Hyung, I love you. But I swear to God, if you’re going to piss me off this much, there is no way in hell I’m dating you.”

“You love me?” Sunghoon’s eyes were wide, shining under the lamplight. Sunoo suppressed a smile, rolling his eyes as he felt his resolve soften under the warm gaze of those puppy eyes.

“For now.” Sunoo shrugged, but the answer seemed to be good enough for Sunghoon, because he bent down again to meet Sunoo’s lips, both of them smiling into the kiss.

Perhaps Heeseung was right. Being honest does pay off.

Later, they find out that Jungwon had handed the letter to Sunghoon’s sister, who promised that she would hand it to her brother when he got home from training.

She never did.

She left for dance practice that evening, before Sunghoon could come home, and promptly forgot that the letter had even existed. When asked later, she shrugged and said it probably fell out of her bag on her way to the dance studio.

Almost two decades of feelings, three pages of an embarrassing confession. Sunghoon joked about some stranger picking it up and reading it– and Sunoo shot him a murderous glare. For the next two months, Sunghoon was forbidden from mentioning the letter. By the third month, he refused to shut up about it-- and Sunoo could do very little to stop him.

After all, teasing Sunoo was one of his life's pleasures-- and loving him, was another.