Chapter Text
December 2001
Peggy muttered a string of swears that would’ve earned her detention if any of the teachers heard it. Thankfully though, the crowd of students that littered the hallways made enough noise to cover her obscenities until her stubborn locker finally opened. After sorting through her textbooks and notebooks to ensure that she was ready for the morning’s classes, Peggy took a moment to check her hair in the mirror. She adjusted her low side ponytail and butterfly clips before applying her lip gloss. It had been obscenely windy on her walk to school and she hadn’t wanted to risk either her hair or fluff from her scarf getting stuck to her lips.
“Awe honey, no amount of lip gloss is going to take attention away from those hips.”
Peggy inhaled slowly at the sound of Lorraine’s voice so early in the morning, making sure to roll her eyes pointedly as she turned around.
“No need to be jealous just because you don’t have any,” Peggy answered with well-practiced fake confidence.
Truthfully, in the two months since she had started filling out around her hip and thigh area far faster than any of her classmates, Peggy’s self confidence had plummeted. Even though she had stopped wearing mini skirts and her favourite dress that had ruching in various places, she still found unwanted attention coming from a ton of different directions. There were some boys who had never looked at her twice before who now cat-called her every time they walked by. Which had the unexpected side effect of getting the attention of the queen bee of junior year herself: Lorraine Jensen. She now tormented Peggy at every possible opportunity. Her aunt Lizzy said it was probably because she was jealous, but why she would be envious of getting called “hot stuff” and “sweet cheeks” every time she turned the corner, Peggy couldn’t even begin to fathom. Peggy tried to reason that Lorraine was most likely just lashing out because she was as insecure about herself as Peggy felt (even though Lorraine was constantly told how much she looked like Britney Spears), but some days, Peggy thought that Lorraine and her minions just wanted to be cruel because they had the power and they could.
And despite all that, Lorraine was a shoe-in to be crowned the WinterGarden Fairy Queen at the Winter Wonderland dance tomorrow night. Not that Peggy was particularly interested in the title, but it was a matter of ethics and justice. Or in this case, lack thereof.
“Please, Peg, that’s not jealousy, that’s relief,” she answered condescendingly. “At least I can actually wear low-rise jeans.”
Peggy glared at her, but her retort was cut off by a friendlier voice coming up from behind her.
“Come on Lorraine, 8am is way too early to be a bully, even for you.”
Peggy’s shoulders relaxed ever so slightly as Steve sidled up beside her, his faded navy blue backpack slung over one shoulder and two takeout cups in his hands. Despite the fact that winter was definitely in full effect and the school always cheaped out on heating, he was only wearing a thin spider-man t-shirt and the hand-me-down denim jacket he had gotten from Bucky last year. He’d yet to grow into it properly, but Peggy had to admit it suited him in a way.
Lorraine raised her eyebrow.
“You know that coffee isn’t going to help you grow,” she retorted.
“I’d rather be short than a bully,” he said before looking at Peggy. “The view’s much better from here.”
Peggy hardly managed to stifle a gleeful snort as Lorraine turned an impressive shade of red.
“Whatever, loser,” she scoffed.
Lorraine and her cronies left, and Peggy slammed her locker door shut.
“Joke’s on her,” Steve told Peggy. “This is candy cane hot chocolate with extra whip and extra candy canes, not coffee.”
“Thanks,” she murmured to Steve, gratefully accepting the to-go cup he offered her.
“Hey, forget about her,” Steve said with his ever-genuine smile, slinging his arm around her shoulders as they walked toward her first class. It was a habit that had started two weeks ago when Steve realized he was finally tall enough to be able to do so comfortably enough without stretching onto his tiptoes. “I think you look great.”
“You’re my best friend, you’re supposed to say that.”
“Come on, you know I’m always honest. After all, who talked you out of getting chunky highlights last month?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said, taking a pointed sip.
“Sure you don’t,” he teased, dropping his arm from her shoulders as they arrived in front of her first class. “We still on for tonight?”
“As if I would miss it,” she scoffed.
“Sweet,” he grinned as he walked backwards. “See you in an hour,” he told her, tipping his hot chocolate in her direction before spinning around and immediately running into a column.
Peggy quickly covered her mouth, but not quick enough to hide her laugh.
“Yeah yeah laugh it up,” he said, quickly inspecting his drink to make sure it hadn’t been a casualty of his clumsiness before rubbing his forehead. “You should be thanking me for cheering you up.”
Peggy merely shook her head and ducked into her classroom just as the warning bell rang. As she took another sip of her hot chocolate, she supposed he had a point.
🧭
“Ma, we’re home!” Steve called out as he took off his wet boots, Peggy doing the same and dropping her school bag next to his before following him to the kitchen as she did most afternoons when she went over to Steve’s house.
“Well hello you two,” Sarah said cheerfully as she moved away from the stove. “How was school?”
“Still standing, unfortunately,” Steve snorted.
“Hi mom,” Peggy greeted with a tight hug. “Working the night shift?”
“Nope,” she said happily. “I just got back, meaning I am going to drink some of this cider and then go right to sleep. What schemes do you two have for tonight?”
“We’re watching The Santa Clause,” Steve said.
“That’s the fourth holiday movie in the last two weeks.”
“You can’t mess with tradition,” Peggy said gravely, taking a popcorn bag out of the cupboard and popping it in the microwave. “We have our list that we absolutely have to get through by the 25th.”
Steve’s mom snorted.
“Mhmm and what about homework? Where does that factor into your list?”
“It’s officially winter break, ma, we have plenty of time,” Steve told her as he carefully poured some of the cider into two mugs for him and Peggy. “Besides, I think most of the teachers have already given up for the school year.”
“Except for Zola,” Peggy muttered.
“He still giving you a hard time?” Sarah frowned.
“He’s only been here for two weeks since Ms. Hand got sick and I’ve already gotten the two worst grades on assignments I’ve gotten in my entire life,” she complained. “If he keeps this up, I might not make the honour roll this year. Which means it’ll be nearly impossible to get into Harvard or Yale or Oxford. I might have to go to community college.”
“I’m sure no matter how tough this new teacher is, nothing is going to stop you from becoming the best lawyer Brooklyn’s ever seen,” Sarah assured.
“I still think we should go with your idea of secretly recording one of his classes and showing it to Principal Erskine to get Zola fired.”
“Steven,” Sarah said sternly.
“We would never actually do it,” Peggy said sheepishly, her cheeks growing pink.
“Coming from the two kids who got into fights in nearly every alley in Brooklyn? Try again.”
“I only got in fights to get Steve out of them,” Peggy defended. “And to defend his honour.”
“And we thank you for your service, Miss Carter,” Sarah said in a serious voice.
“Hey,” Steve frowned when they both began giggling.
“Besides,” Peggy sighed. “Erskine is going to be retiring at the end of the school year so I highly doubt he’ll be able to do anything about it.”
“Oh that’s too bad,” Sarah frowned. “I like him.”
“He’s nice, but he’s kinda weird,” Steve said.
“Nothing wrong with being a bit different,” Sarah defended.
“And who knows who they’re going to get to take his place. It could be someone worse than Zola,” Peggy added. “Then where will we be?”
“Trying to hatch a plan to get that person fired as well,” Steve answered simply.
Peggy laughed, but quickly turned it into a cough when Sarah raised her eyebrow at them.
“Nice save,” Steve teased.
Peggy made sure to stick her tongue out at him before taking the now finished popcorn out of the microwave and pouring it into a bowl — the same one that both she and Steve painted as a mother’s day gift to Sarah back in the fourth grade.
“Alright, have fun, you two,” Sarah said warmly.
“Thanks mom!” they both said in unison before running down to the basement.
“And don’t stay up too late,” she called after them. “I don’t want Peggy to have to walk home when it’s pitch black out there.”
Despite the fact that Peggy lived in the brownstone literally right beside Steve’s, they both called back an agreement, sharing mischievous twin smiles as they set up the movie and settled on the couch.
🧭
“You know, I think The Santa Clause has to be my favourite Christmas movie,” Steve told her as he walked her home later that night. “I mean, some stuffy corporate guy becomes Santa and then boom, he bonds with his kid and realizes what life’s really all about.”
Peggy had tried to talk Steve out of walking her home considering it was only a few feet away, but his dramatic insistence of it had gotten Sarah’s attention, and Peggy hated saying no to Sarah. She was the second closest thing she had to a mother (after her aunt Lizzy of course).
“Careful Steve, your blind optimism is showing,” she teased.
“Well excuse me for believing that the magic of Christmas can make everything better.”
Peggy chuckled.
“Now that sounds like a dream come true. Summoning the magic of Christmas to fix everything.”
“Like Zola?”
“Zola, Lorraine,” she mused. “The fact that my favourite bedazzled jeans don’t fit me anymore since my last growth spurt two weeks ago.”
“Is this your way of telling me you want new bedazzled jeans for Christmas?” he teased.
“Shut up,” she said with a fond roll of her eyes. “I just mean that everything feels like it’s changing so fast and we’re hardly getting any time to figure it out.”
“What if we’re not supposed to?” he offered.
“Isn’t that the whole point of life? To figure things out.”
“Maybe,” Steve shrugged. “But maybe part of the whole point is to not worry about how long it takes to do that.”
“Well that’s annoying.”
“What, me being right?”
“I never said you were right,” she quipped.
“But you know I am. And that’s good enough for me.”
Peggy laughed and shook her head. She truly didn’t know where she’d be without Steve by her side. Before saying good night, she hugged him tightly.
“I’m so glad I have you,” she murmured.
“Yeah, me too,” he answered quietly.
When they pulled away, she noticed that his cheeks were pink; probably because he didn’t listen to her when she told him to wear a scarf because it was cold out.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow?” he confirmed.
“Yes, but don’t be late. The sooner we go, the sooner we can leave and watch another Christmas movie.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” he grinned.
🧭
Peggy frowned at herself in the mirror. No matter which way she attempted to adjust the glittery black and silver dress, it still wasn’t fitting as well as it did when she’d tried it on in the store just three weeks ago.
“Knock knock, can I come in?”
“Sure,” she called out.
“Oh you look so beautiful, my little butterfly,” her aunt Lizzy crooned as she entered her bedroom, her dark brown hair slowly but surely falling out of the bun that was always perched on the top of her head.
Peggy huffed disbelievingly.
“Why am I even going to this thing?”
“Because it’s important that you be a teenager and do teenager things,” her aunt Lizzy chided. “Which includes going to a school dance.”
“Well why did I pick this dress?”
“Because it looked so beautiful on you at the store and it still does,” aunt Lizzy assured firmly. “You look like one of those celebrities on the red carpet.”
“You’re my aunt, you’re supposed to say I look pretty.”
Her aunt Lizzy looked at her curiously for a moment before stepping forward and carefully adjusting the curls that Peggy had spent hours trying to perfect.
“My darling, your body is going through many changes right now, and it is very clear that you’re getting your proportions from your mother’s side of the family. I know just how uncomfortable it can be waiting for some parts of your body to catch up with others. It’s hard to feel confident when you feel all out of sorts, but please believe me when I say that before me I see a beautiful young woman.”
Peggy looked back at the mirror, biting her lip.
“I wish I was.”
“Was what, darling?”
“A young woman. I mean I know I’m almost there, but why can’t I be there now? Adults seem to have everything figured out, or at least their bodies do.”
Her aunt Lizzy chuckled, and grabbed the large snowflake clip to finish clipping back some of the front curls of Peggy’s hair.
“Look, I’m not going to tell you that these are the best years of your life. They’re really not and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. This might even be the most confusing time of your life, but you just need to remember that there are incredible things about this time too, if only you look out for them. Some things that might be worth holding onto.”
Peggy tilted her head curiously.
“Like what?”
The doorbell rang in that moment. Her aunt Lizzy looked at her with a twinkle in her eye that Peggy chose to deliberately ignore.
“Come on, we don’t want to leave your date waiting,” she said, ushering Peggy out of her room.
“Steve is not my date,” she huffed.
It was true. Steve and Peggy were going together because Peggy refused to go with anyone who had recently called her a dumb pet name while leering at her (which severely reduced the school population), and because most of the people at school were too shallow to see that even though Steve wasn’t the tallest or strongest guy, he was the best guy, in Peggy’s unbiased opinion.
Instead of answering Peggy’s objection, aunt Lizzy opened the door, revealing Steve in a thin jacket and a dark blue suit that she’d never seen before in all the time that she’d spent in his place.
“Oh look at you Steve!” aunt Lizzy squealed. “You look so handsome.”
“Thanks aunt Lizzy,” he said with a bashful smile. “Is uh - is Peggy ready?”
“She certainly is. Come on in.”
“Woah,” Steve said to Peggy once he was ushered in, his jaw dropping slightly.
“Is that a bad woah or a good woah?”
“A good one,” he reassured quickly. “You look… great - beautiful. I mean the dress does, it’s a good dress. But you too, you definitely look beautiful.”
Peggy felt her cheeks burn, but she couldn’t help the small smile that formed.
“You really think so?”
“You know I’d never lie to you.”
He held her gaze for a long moment, before Peggy abruptly cleared her throat.
“I didn’t even know you owned a suit.”
Steve’s ears turned pink.
“I - ah - it’s new. I’ve been saving up.”
“Well, it looks good. You look good.”
Steve’s face lit up.
“Thanks. You look beautiful. I mean, I know I already said that but-”
“Steve?”
“Yeah?”
“We really don’t need to go through this again.”
“Right,” he said, ducking his head. “Sorry.”
“Shall we?” Peggy asked.
“Ah ah ah, not before I get a picture.”
“Aunt Lizzy-”
“No buts,” she said, as she rifled through a drawer to pull out her camera. “I know Sarah will want one too and I refuse to disappoint her. Now come on. At least act like you like each other. Steve, take your jacket off it’s covering your suit.”
Peggy and Steve shared an exasperated look, but they allowed her aunt to shuffle them to the Christmas tree and take what had to be at least twenty photos, ranging from formal to silly, before she was finally appeased.
“Alright go ahead,” she said as Steve helped Peggy into her coat and put his back on. “Have fun and look out for each other.”
“We always do,” Peggy said before turning to Steve and extending her hand to him.
“Ready?”
“Let’s go,” he grinned, taking her hand.
“Bye aunt Lizzy,” they both said on their way out.
🧭
Since they only lived two blocks away, they had chosen to walk to the school, though when they got to the last few feet before the steps to the front entrance, Peggy realized she should have probably changed into her high heels after arriving at school. A particularly well hidden patch of ice had her losing her feet from under her in under a breath.
However, before she could fall, Steve had caught her by the waist and held her to him.
“Bloody heels,” she muttered. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it,” he smiled.
It was an awkward shuffle trying to get her properly upright considering that Steve was a good few inches shorter than her even without the heels, but once they had that sorted, they were on their way again, though this time at a much slower pace. Thankfully the path up the stairs was far less perilous, and Peggy was able to make it inside without further public embarrassment.
The hallways looked just the same as they had the day before as they took the time to put their coats in their lockers, but once they got into the gymnasium, Peggy was pleasantly surprised. While the decorations were a bit over the top for Peggy’s taste, there was no denying the fact that this was definitely a winter wonderland.
“You know, it’s actually not as terrible as I was expecting,” Peggy told him, her voice louder now that she had to compete with the crowd and the music.
“Awe, did the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes just now?”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” she snorted.
“Does that mean you’re not going to dance?”
“Who do you think I am Rogers? Of course I’m going to dance. Just try keeping up with me.”
Steve looked at her with sparkling eyes and a big dopey smile, and she took his outstretched hand, and let him lead her onto the dance floor.
🧭
Peggy did have to admit that despite the fact that she detested most of her high school population, she was having a blast. She and Steve danced to all the upbeat songs, and she nearly doubled over laughing as she watched Steve try to add his own flair to the moves in the Cha Cha Slide, to the point where she needed to sit down for a whole minute. At one point they were joined by Peggy’s English project partner Angie, her and Steve’s close mutual friend Bucky, and his date: the new Russian exchange student, Natasha, who, while she was more reserved in her dance moves and kept close to Bucky’s side, still seemed to be enjoying herself.
Survivor by Destiny’s Child faded into Hero by Enrique Iglesias, and Peggy watched with a growing pit in her stomach as people started pairing off on the dance floor and swaying — including Bucky and Natasha. In front of her, Steve had also stilled and was looking at their increasingly awkward surroundings. He looked back at her, and if she could see better in the low lighting, she’d say his cheeks were turning pink.
Steve opened his mouth, but then quickly shut it.
“Want to get some fresh air?” he ended up saying a few moments later.
Peggy let out a small breath and nodded, confused as to why she was feeling simultaneously relieved and disappointed. She followed Steve out of the gym and into the brightly lit hallway. She had to blink a few times as her vision adjusted, but by then Steve was leading her out one of the back doors of the school, ensuring to leave it propped open so they wouldn’t get locked out.
Peggy took a deep breath of the brisk air. It had snowed lightly since they’d gone inside, making the field in front of them look sparkling and new in its untouched state.
“Seems like the Winter Wonderland theme made it out here too,” she teased. “It almost looks peaceful, and I never thought I would say that about school.”
From beside her, she heard Steve chuckle.
“Yeah. It almost feels magical.”
“Almost,” she agreed.
Steve shuffling slightly beside her brought her attention back to him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah I just… there’s um, actually something I want to give you.”
From his inside jacket pocket, he pulled out a small circular package and handed it to her.
“I thought we weren’t exchanging presents until the 25th?”
“I know, but when the right moment arises,” he shrugged. “Carpe diem I guess.”
“Alright but your gift is at home so you’ll just have to wait,” she teased, not waiting another moment to rip the wrapping paper off and throw it aside.
She raised her eyebrow at the metal object in her hands.
“A… compass?”
“It was my grandfather’s compass, he had it back in World War II,” he explained, stuffing his hands in his pockets just like he did when he was nervous.
“Why are you giving it to me?” she asked as she inspected it. It had the odd scratch here and there, and a small dent on the lid, but otherwise looked like it had been well taken care of for the last 60 years. “Wait, this isn’t because of that one time we got lost in Jersey because I was looking at the map the wrong way, is it? Because I got us there in the end.”
“No,” he laughed. “Even though yes that was entirely your fault and I’m glad you’re finally admitting it. But I’m not giving this to you as a joke. Open it.”
Peggy fiddled with the stiff clasp for a few moments before she was able to pop the lid open.
“This is your grandma,” she murmured as she stared at the picture inside the lid.
Peggy had only met the woman twice before she passed, but she would recognize those kind eyes anywhere. She saw them every day in Steve and in Sarah.
“You know that my grandparents met in the war. My grandad always said that this compass guided him to her, and that the reason he kept her picture there all throughout the war was to continue to guide him, because she was the person he trusted most. She was his true north. And well… you’re my true north, Peggy.”
Peggy’s hands froze, and she slowly looked up from the compass.
“Steve what… what are you saying?”
He took a deep breath, and brought his hands out of his pockets just for him to stuff them back in again.
“I love you, Peggy.” Steve confessed, his voice shaking slightly.
Peggy felt a knot form in her throat, and she anxiously scanned his face to see if he was joking. But he wasn’t.
“What?” she asked quietly, as though that might produce a different answer.
“I love you,” he repeated. “I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you since you punched Hodge on the first day of the first grade for picking on me.”
“But… but you’re my best friend.”
Steve swallowed hard and she could see his face fall.
“Is that… Am I only your best friend?”
Peggy shook her head slightly, feeling her heart hammering in her chest hard enough that she was worried it was going to burst out and run away. How was she supposed to answer that?
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
It was suddenly extremely hard to breathe.
“I just - I don’t - I’m confused, you can’t just dump this on me out of nowhere and expect me to say something right away.”
“Peggy I know this is scary but-”
“Why did you have to do this, to-to say that-”
“Peggy-”
“We were fine!” she said, her voice an octave higher than usual as her breathing grew heavier. “We were perfectly fine being best friends but now you - this changes everything and I don’t want us to change Steve, not when everything else is changing I can’t handle that.”
“Peggy please-”
Just as soon as he took a step forward to reach out to her, she instinctively took one back, feeling claustrophobic and more uncertain than she ever remembered feeling in her life; torn between throwing up and running away.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now. I can’t give you an answer.”
Before she quite registered what she was even doing, Peggy took off. She heard Steve call out her name as she rounded the corner of the building, but she didn’t stop until she had run all the way to the other side of the building and down the stairs.
It was all too much. Zola arriving and Erskine leaving and her body changing every other week were one thing, but Steve was the most important person to her in the whole world, and his confession had the potential to change things between them.
“I want things to stop changing,” she said aloud, the compass trembling from where she still held it in her hands. “I want to just have everything figured out.”
She clutched the compass to her chest as the first tear escaped her eye and slid down her cheek.
“I want to be an adult.”