Chapter Text
I Swear Somewhere This Works
In a parallel universe or another world
or a different life,
we sit across from each other
at the kitchen table
and go over
the grocery
list.
- Trista Mateer
“What’s going on?” Lily asked as she entered the Phoenix Radio headquarters. The normally vibrant atmosphere at the radio station appeared tense to her now.
“An emergency meeting has been called,” Pomona Sprout said, handing Lily a freshly brewed cup of tea in her favourite Mr Darcy tea mug. It was their familiar morning routine, however, nothing appeared ordinary as Lily’s eyes scanned her frantic and panicky colleagues.
“An emergency meeting?” she asked Pomona. Her eyes locked on the other woman’s. She had been part of Phoenix Radio for the past thirty years compared to Lily’s seven. In Lily’s time at the radio station, no meetings of the kind or of any sense of urgency had ever been called. “What does that mean?”
“I wish I knew,” the woman said, shaking her head. Her grey curls swung with the motion. “Minerva’s email was pretty terse.”
Lily’s mouth formed a perfect oh as she took that in. Minerva McGonagall was not a woman who would talk for hours given any situation, however, she was not the type to be curt either. The fact that Pomona felt the need to inform Lily of the abrupt nature of the email did not bode well.
“When was the email sent?” she asked. She had checked her work email while on the tube and had answered three new ones about fifteen minutes ago.
“I think she sent it at ten to nine?”
The thing is, this would normally not have concerned her. Minerva McGonagall was known to arrive at seven thirty in the morning. Sending an email an hour and twenty minutes into her workday seemed perfectly reasonable, seeing as Lily knew that the executive producer arrived at this time in order to be able to complete the more mundane tasks that were part of her job before the everyday chaos of Phoenix Radio took over. Calling an emergency meeting, however, was not McGonagall’s style. The one time there was a minor catastrophe, because one of their sports radio hosts – Rolanda Hooch – had lost her voice after reporting on the first England match at the Six Nations League and couldn’t speak for a week straight, she had walked up to James Potter’s desk to ask if he could meet her in his office. She was not one to start a storm in a glass of water, not one to call something a crisis that clearly wasn’t.
“What is most worrying, however,” said Pomona, leaning conspiringly towards Lily, “is that Dumbledore just walked in and is in the board room.”
“Albus Dumbledore?” Lily very nearly dropped her tea, which would have been a right catastrophe, since the tea would certainly have scalded her. “But he was here two weeks ago!”
“Exactly,” Sprout said, her head bobbing in affirmation, “we all know what that means.”
“It must be serious,” Lily answered, her eyes going through the room. Filius Flitwick, the voice of Phoenix Radio News, and Horace Slughorn, host of the four o’clock radio talk show that Lily produced, were engaged in a solemn conversation and even James Potter and Sirius Black – the station’s golden boys and number one pranksters – joined by Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, wore serious looks on their faces. Although, having said that, Potter – as seemed to be the norm for him whenever he was not live on air – was playing catch with a tennis ball.
At that moment, the door to the board room opened and Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore appeared. Minerva’s lips were pursed, which caused Lily’s stomach to flutter in a bad way, while Dumbledore appeared calm but lacked the usual hint of a smile on his face.
“Good morning, everyone,” said Minerva. She sounded tense. “I trust you have all seen the email we sent this morning about an emergency meeting.” Several people muttered to confirm they had. “Since the news we will share with you this morning concerns all of you and we won’t be able to fit in the board room, Albus Dumbledore will speak to all of you out here.”
Filius Flitwick raised his hand. “Excuse me, Minerva, but what will our listeners think now that we aren’t live on air?”
“Hagrid is covering us,” Minerva answered. “Early Birds of the Same Feather will end at nine thirty today, just in time for us to relay our news to you.” The woman then looked at Dumbledore and – when she caught his eye – nodded.
Albus Dumbledore stepped forward. “It is with a heavy heart that I stand before you today,” he said in his iconic voice, the voice of her childhood, the one that had started her passion for radio. “Whatever I am about to say is by no means a reflection of your hard work,” Albus continued. A feeling of dread overcame her and she noticed that quite a few people appeared similarly anxious. Before Dumbledore could say anything else, however, Sirius Black spoke up.
“This is about Riddle Radio, isn’t it?”
All eyes flew to Black, who casually leaned against his desk, which was – conveniently – placed opposite James Potter’s.
“The fact that they’ve gone viral in the past two weeks?”
Lily felt a flash of annoyance and hurt at the mere thought of Riddle Radio, a brand new radio station started by Tom Riddle, one of Albus Dumbledore’s former protegees. It had been roughly twenty years ago that Riddle had left Phoenix Radio due to – so the press release had said – irreconcilable differences in opinion and Riddle had not been seen or heard of in the world of radio in the past nineteen years, but that had all changed when he started his own station in January of this year. A little competition never harmed anyone, of course, but their new rival stood for everything that Phoenix Radio was not and everything they did was done in a flashy fashion.
“Exactly,” Albus Dumbledore said with a deep sigh. “We have seen a dramatic loss of sponsors in the past two weeks that have all rushed towards Riddle Radio. Not to mention our audience.”
“Well,” Potter spoke up, sounding as arrogant as ever, her eyes automatically found their way to his form, “quite frankly if they’re leaving us to support and listen to a bunch of bigots: fuck them.” His perfectly deep radio voice had made her toes curl involuntarily, or was it because he had said fuck? When it came to James Potter she really did have a one-track mind sometimes and she absolutely despised it.
Her nostrils flared as she took him in. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, making the muscles in his arms annoyingly noticeable, and she very nearly rolled her eyes as she took in the rest of his appearance: his messy, curly mop of hair still slightly wet from the shower he had clearly taken that morning and the sleeves of his dress shirt already rolled up to showcase his forearms. The only thing missing was a five o’clock shadow on his face, otherwise he looked ready to head for the pub for after work drinks with his mates. It was especially frustrating that she found all of this as attractive as she did.
“While I understand your point of view, James,” Dumbledore said and Lily reluctantly dragged her eyes away from the man who – if it weren’t for his personality – represented absolutely everything she wanted, “I think you are all aware that the financial impact will be significant if this trend continues.”
“In other words,” Minerva McGonagall added, “we need to work harder than we have possibly ever done before to make sure we keep Phoenix Radio afloat. We can allow this to be a dip, but we must ensure that this will not be the end.”
“I could not agree more,” said Dumbledore. “We find ourselves at a crossroads: we need to make sure Phoenix Radio survives the commercial storm that is Riddle Radio. We need to rebrand.”
Eyes widened all around her and gasps escaped the mouths of several of the people in the room. Phoenix Radio had been the constant in many listeners’ lives, not to mention in the lives of many of the people in the room. It had always had a nostalgic, family feel. Familiar voices would croon through the speakers of households, workplaces or cars, giving their audience exactly what they needed and exactly what they had learned to expect over the past forty-one years of the station’s existence. To rebrand meant that this image of Phoenix Radio, the expectations of the audience and many people in this room would be tipped upside down.
“Rebrand?” Voiced Horace Slughorn, the thought that was quite possibly on everyone’s minds. “Forgive me, Albus, but I would just like to know what you mean exactly.”
“Thank you for your question, Horace,” Dumbledore replied gently. “I understand that this may come as a shock to all of you, however, we need to face the facts: some parts of Phoenix Radio are outdated compared to Riddle Radio’s far flashier items.”
“Trashier, you mean,” said a disgruntled Alastor Moody, his glass eye still, but his other one narrowed. “Let’s not give them credit where none is due. Riddle rounded up the most racist, biased and discriminating voices he could find.”
“That may be,” Minerva interrupted, “but the fact is that their audience grew by 12% in the past two weeks and that they just struck a deal with Malfoy Marketing.”
Pomona Sprout gasped audibly this time, her hand flying to her mouth. Malfoy Marketing is the country’s largest marketing company in charge of the largest marketing and advertising campaigns in the country, meaning that Riddle Radio is in a prime position to expand their station, their audience and thus their success.
“I know this will come as a shock to most of you and that you might need some time, but I would like to schedule a brainstorm meeting tomorrow where we talk about the future of Phoenix Radio,” Dumbledore said. “Anything is fair game, think outside of the box, we might have to kill some of our darlings, but I have no doubt that with your talents and creativity, we will win back our audience.”
With that, the meeting was concluded. Dumbledore left, patting Minerva McGonagall’s shoulder who ordered everyone to get back to business.
Lily sat down at her desk and opened her laptop, ready to start her day and to check on the guests that would visit The Slug Club later that afternoon, when a tennis ball flew right past her head and hit the wall behind her.
She looked up, narrowing her eyes as James Potter’s grinning face came into view.
“Sorry, Evans,” he said, his feet up on his desk as he balanced precariously in his chair, “just working on my aim.”
“All brawn and no brains,” she told him snippily. “It might be a good idea to put your energy elsewhere in light of our current crisis.”
“Oh, Evans, dear,” he said, sending her a wink, “you know I would do anything to please you.”
She was about to retort when Sirius Black spoke up, sounding bored. “Can you please take your flirting elsewhere? I’m too hungover for any of this.”
Lily flushed. “I wasn’t flirting,” she spluttered, her heart beating fast. Sirius Black had caught her staring at James Potter too many times to count.
“Sure you weren't,” said Black, rolling his eyes before putting his head on the desk, closing his eyes. “How much time until we go live, James?”
“Two hours and thirty-three minutes,” Potter replied. She must have imagined it, but he almost sounded sheepish for a second.
“Brilliant,” Black said, his words muffled by his arms, “wake me up in two hours and thirty-two minutes.”
She shook her head disapprovingly and returned her gaze to her laptop before she remembered that the tennis ball Potter liked to play catch with and that had missed her head by a hair was still lying on the floor next to her desk.
A smile playing at her lips, she bent down and picked it up.
When she sat up again, she found Potter’s eyes glued to hers. He raised his hands as if to catch it if she were to throw it his way. Instead, however, she sent him what she imagined was a vicious smile, opened one of the drawers in her desk and placed the tennis ball in there.
The pout on his face was everything.
“We’ve been brainstorming for two hours and we’ve got exactly nothing,” Sirius Black grumbled, rubbing his forehead in frustration.
“Do you think Sybil has run out of fortune cookie wisdoms yet?” asked James Potter with a grin on his face, placing a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and lightly rubbing it.
“Ugh, god no… what does she always say? Actually might be pretty applicable to our current situation.”
“The best way to predict the future is to create it,” Lily mumbled under her breath, tapping the notebook in her hand, which she had been using to take notes.
“Exactly, Evans!” Black put his hands on the table, slamming them down hard, startling everyone who had stayed in the room during their much needed toilet break. “We should put that on the whiteboard.” He jumped up from his seat and wrote Sybil Trelawney’s slogan up on the board. “Now we just need to figure out which future we want to create.”
“A future in which all of us keep this job,” Peter Pettigrew said. He had seemed anxious all day, biting his fingernails as idea after idea was shot down by the team.
“You don’t have to worry about that, Pete,” James said, leaning closer to his friend. The look on his face was warm and Lily really wished she hadn’t seen it, because it made her heart flutter to see how effortlessly caring he was when surrounded by his friends. “We are going to figure this out. Plus, Behind the Scenes is Phoenix Radio’s prize baby.”
Thank goodness he was an arrogant toerag. Her temper never failed to peak when Potter mentioned his own success and status as one of the station’s golden boys.
“At least your ego didn’t take a hit after hearing that our numbers are going down,” she said, rolling her eyes.
Potter raised his eyebrow, sitting back in his chair again and observing her from the other side of the table. “The numbers for Behind the Scenes are steady,” he told her.
“Oh, so this whole thing is not your problem, is it?” She challenged him, her eyes narrowing.
“I never said it wasn’t,” he replied, calm and suave as ever. “Clearly it is, but the numbers don’t lie. People like Behind the Scenes.”
“So, since you so clearly have the answer to everything,” she leaned towards him, tapping her notebook with a pen, “why have we been brainstorming for two hours?”
He threw his hands up in the air. “Why do you always have to do this?” he asked. “You make me sound like a complete prat.”
“Maybe because you are.”
James flushed, his cheeks turning deliciously pink, as he leaned towards her when Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore walked back in.
“All right, let’s get back to business,” Dumbledore announced. “I know it feels like we are at an impasse, but we are only one brilliant idea away from our salvation. What are people talking about these days?” He walked up to the whiteboard, noticing Sybil Trelawney’s famous slogan there and smiling. “Good thinking, who did that?”
Sirius’ hand shot up as he sat down and Lily had to fight to roll her eyes. She was not going to put that in the meeting’s notes.
“Cat videos?” piped up Argus Filch, one of the sound technicians she worked alongside with on The Slug Club. He lived for his cat Mrs Norris. Lily noted down for herself that Mrs Norris’ birthday was coming up. Showing up with a gift for the cat on April 4th never failed to make the normally surly Argus Filch smile, which – in turn – made Lily’s day.
“Oh, I love those,” Pomona said, sitting up with a wide smile on her face.
“What about that TV show with all those beautiful young people?” asked Horace Slughorn. “The ones where they seem to be permanently dressed up in beachwear?”
“Ex on the Beach and Love Island?” Remus Lupin asked.
“Yes!” Horace Slughorn nodded. “Are you not in contact with one of those youngsters to appear on The Slug Club, Lily?” Lily nodded. “Why don’t we ride the wave of their success?”
“That’s hardly what we do, is it?” asked Filius Flitwick. “We specialise in stories, human interest.”
“It does sound more like something Riddle would do,” agreed Rolanda Hooch and – as she said it – people around the room murmured in confirmation.
“But,” Potter’s voice interrupted and eyes all around the room stuck to him, like he was some kind of magnet, “isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to do here? Do something Riddle would do, but make it better? Make it matter?”
Lily hated herself for agreeing with him.
“I like this,” Dumbledore said, “keep going, people.”
“What do these shows have in common?” Potter asked the room. “Entertainment value, sure. People that run around half naked, certainly –”
“Sex,” Sirius Black grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. “Shameless romping on camera.”
“Oh, we can’t do that,” said Pomona, sounding shocked, yet - if you asked Lily - also a little intrigued. “That’s too racy.”
“It is,” James agreed, sending Pomona a reassuring smile, “that was definitely not where I was going. The thing is – it’s all about love, relationships.”
“Are you suggesting we do a dating show?” asked Hooch. “I’m pretty sure that’s been done before.”
“Then we just have to do it differently,” Potter shrugged. “I think we could do it if we find the right angle.”
Something tickled her brain, she cocked her head to the side and stared at the notes she had been taking. Ex on the Beach, Love Island, dating show… She sat up then, raising her hand. “Mr Dumbledore, I don’t know if it’s anything, but…” she bit her lip as everyone at the table turned to look at her. “Potter is right,” she ignored the massive grin that suddenly overtook James Potter’s face at hearing those words, “dating shows have been done, but what if we don’t follow people at the start of their relationship? What if we follow them when it has ended?”
The room had gone silent, but it wasn’t one of those uncomfortable silences she dreaded. Nor was it the catastrophic silence that no radio maker ever wished to experience on their show. It was a reflective silence, a moment in which they all considered her idea.
“What kind of format are you thinking?” asked Albus Dumbledore, getting up from his sheet, hands behind his back.
“Well,” she said, licking her lips, not daring to look at anyone but Dumbledore himself, “I’m thinking that we make this a bit like a podcast. Two people in the room – exes – talking about their relationship. The highs, the lows, the start the end… we are with them as they figure out what went wrong and where they will go next.”
“We’d be telling a story,” Potter suddenly said. Her eyes flew to his and the look on his face, in his eyes, drew her in completely. “The audience experiences all of it as these two people get to the bottom of what makes a relationship work and worth fighting for.”
“Yes,” she said, nodding along, her eyes still locked on his, “and at the same time they try to make sense of their relationship after their break up.”
“It’s something that has never been done before,” Potter said, looking away from her now and turning to Albus Dumbledore. “You have to admit it would be new and it’s still close to what we stand for at Phoenix Radio.”
Her eyes strayed from James Potter’s profile to Albus Dumbledore. The man had a twinkle in his eyes as he smiled a smile that was wider than any smile she had ever seen on his face.
“It’s perfect,” he said. “I love it.”
“We just have to find two people who are willing to go live with their ex,” Potter said, pushing his glasses back up. “That might be tricky, but hardly impossible.”
“Don’t worry,” said Dumbledore, “I know exactly who to ask.”
Albus and Minerva stared at them, expectantly. Everyone but James and Lily had been asked to leave the room. When they had done that, Lily’s heart had started to beat faster. Hope had filled her as she considered the idea that Dumbledore and McGonagall were actually going to ask her to produce this new show. She had known it was probably wishful thinking, but she really thought the notion was not as farfetched as what Dumbledore had proposed to them as soon as the door closed behind all their colleagues.
James Potter’s startled laughter broke the silence that had ascended upon them.
“I’m sorry,” he said, sitting up straighter in his chair, his forearms – looking like they were made of marble, part of an ancient Grecian statue – leaned on the table in front of him. “With all due respect, I would like to let you know that Lily and I actually never dated.”
Lily flushed. Had Dumbledore thought they had?
“We definitely didn’t,” she added in a rush.
Albus Dumbledore laughed, while Minerva McGonagall raised her eyebrows.
“The idea you just proposed is perfect,” Dumbledore spoke calmly, “but like you said: getting two exes together in the room will be tricky. Not to mention that not everyone has a talent to be on the radio. The pressure of being live – I don’t need to tell the two of you this – is immense.”
“It’s like the both of you said,” Minerva McGonagall continued. “We are telling a story here.”
“Sure,” James said, “but Lily and I were suggesting you would tell a true story.”
Lily had never agreed with James Potter more and this time she didn’t even hate herself for it.
“It will be true as far as the audience is concerned,” Dumbledore replied. “The both of you are young, attractive, currently unattached – it would make complete sense to outsiders that, at a certain point in time, the two of you would have been involved.” He sighed, noticing that both Lily and James had not exactly warmed up to the idea yet. “The two of you know very well that most of what we do is all make believe. People listening to your story will want to believe in the magic of it all.”
“It doesn’t make any sense to ask me, though,” Lily then said, voicing a thought that had been on her mind from the very start. “I’ve never been on the radio before. I’m a producer.”
Minerva smiled at this, placing her hand on top of Lily’s. “And you’re a brilliant producer. You’ll just be exploring a talent you perhaps didn’t know you had before.”
“I am not worried in the slightest about you not having gone on the radio before, Lily,” Albus Dumbledore agreed. “Besides you’ll have a very experienced co-host to help you and support you every step of the way.”
“Wait,” James Potter said, standing up. “Stop.” He started to pace the length of the room. “Let me get this straight: are you seriously suggesting that Lily and I fake a relationship and a break up? That we deceive our audience?”
Dumbledore sighed. “James, I know you have a strong moral compass and I would never ask this of you if I didn’t think that desperate times call for desperate measures –”
“No one is going to believe this.” James had stopped pacing and was now gesturing between Lily and himself. Lily froze on the spot, her heart dropping to her stomach.
She knew what James meant. He was the golden boy of Phoenix Radio, part of the – even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it to him earlier – most successful hosting duo in the history of the radio station and she, she was… well, she was a girl that McGonagall hired, because Minerva recognised some of herself in her. Not only that, success followed James Potter wherever he went, everything he touched turned to gold. While Lily had not exactly made things easy for Phoenix Radio. Not that it had been her fault – her therapist would scold her for even suggesting such a thing – but she knew that Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore had gone out on a limb for her, that they had done everything in their power to prove that Lily had not lied and had been the victim of sexual assault in the workplace. She also knew that – due to the fact that they had lost the lawsuit – they had had to buy out the other employee involved.
“All right,” Albus Dumbledore said, “I hear you, James, and I understand your concerns.” Lily couldn’t look up, her face had certainly turned a violent crimson, feeling thoroughly embarrassed. “How about you sleep on it? Let it all sink in. You can give me your answer on Thursday.”
A tense silence filled the room before she heard James sigh audibly. “Okay,” he said, “I suppose that’s fair. I’ll think about it.”
Having said that, he left the room, leaving Lily with both Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore.
“The same counts for you, Lily,” Minerva said. “You can give us your answer on Thursday.”
“Okay,” she said, standing up and avoiding all eye contact altogether. “Thank you for considering me.”
She left the room and made a beeline for her desk. She sat down, closed her eyes and breathed in and out. When she opened her eyes again, her eyes met a sight that would haunt her for the next few days.
James Potter – eyes closed and an agonized expression on his face – sat at his desk as Sirius stood behind him, hands on his shoulders, frantically talking to his best friend under his breath.
Lily knew exactly what he was upset about and she had never felt less desirable.
“Wait a second,” said Mary, a glass of wine in her hand. “So he didn’t say that he didn’t want to do this whole thing with you? It was just your interpretation of things?” Lily sent her friend – always the optimistic one – a look that said it all. “What? From what you’ve told me, he never said: I don’t want to fake date Lily. It was the principle of the matter.”
“Well,” she said, letting her head fall against the pillow on the couch she was lying on, “you didn’t see him after.” She looked up at the ceiling of their apartment, avoiding her friend’s eyes. “What if he knows about what happened with Severus?”
“Lily,” Mary said. She felt a hand on her foot. “That’s not possible.”
“But what if he does?” she asked, sounding calmer than she felt. “What if everyone knows?”
“You know they don’t,” Mary said, her face hanging over Lily’s. “Your bosses have been very supportive and discreet and no one ever asked any questions.”
“I know,” she said, worrying her bottom lip.
It had been two years and she had definitely gotten stronger. She had accepted what happened too, but she would never forget the way she had felt when his hand had gone up her skirt, the fear that had consumed her when she realised that the forceful grip on her wrists made it near impossible for her to move, the anger flashing through her that had made it possible for her to fight him off, the shame that had taken over afterwards… None of that would ever escape her memory.
“But Lily,” Mary said gently, “even if they do know, no one would think any less of you.”
Lily sent her friend a reassuring, yet shaky smile. “I know,” she replied, “I just let it get to me sometimes.”
Mary leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Lily’s forehead. She then sat back down and Lily let out a deep breath, sitting up again to face her friend.
“Besides,” her friend said and the sly smile on her face should have been enough of a warning, “didn’t James Potter once ask you out?”
She groaned, closing her eyes. “As part of a dare, yes,” she told Mary, scrunching up her nose. “It was absolutely mortifying. He clearly didn’t want to ask me out. Black made him do it.”
“Well, maybe that’s why he seemed so uncomfortable after your bosses suggested you fake date,” Mary shrugged. “You did say no to a date after all.”
“A date he didn’t want.”
“All the same, you could have bruised his ego.” Then, with a roll of her eyes: “You know what men are like…”
Lily was waiting for the kettle to boil when she heard someone clear their throat.
“Hey.”
She looked up, her eyes going wide for a second. James Potter stood in the door opening, leaning against the door and looking like a model while doing it. It was unfair how handsome he was. Truly.
“Hi,” she replied, her eyes returning to the kettle that had started to whistle. She quickly poured some hot water in her Mr Darcy mug. “Did you want any tea?” she asked.
“Sure,” he said. She heard him come closer and tried to fight the blush that was threatening to reveal her attraction to him as he had come close enough for her to touch his chest if she just stretched out her fingers.
He placed a Spiderman mug on the kitchen counter and she immediately set to work, filling up his mug.
“So,” he began and she thought he sounded nervous, “I just wanted to let you know that my reservations to do this show have absolutely nothing to do with you.” He chuckled then. “I mean, I think you know that, but I just wanted to tell you. Just in case you didn’t.”
“No, of course,” she said, her eyes focused on the tea bag soaking in the hot water in front of her. “I know it’s nothing personal.” She turned to the fridge, taking out the milk. “Should I add a dash?” she asked.
“Please,” he answered and then: “So, how are you feeling about all of this?”
She added a little milk to their mugs. “I mean,” she said, trying to make sense of her own thoughts, “I keep going back and forth. Like you said, we never dated and it’s not as if we are the best of friends.”
He chuckled, but it sounded humourless. “Yeah, we really aren’t.”
She looked up at him then. “Rejection,” she said, hoping that the smile on her face told him she wasn’t serious. “Don’t worry, Potter. Clearly there is a reason that Dumbledore and McGonagall think we would work really well as exes, even if they didn’t want to outright say it yesterday.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning slightly.
“Well,” she said, lifting her Mr Darcy mug, “we tend to disagree with each other over everything.”
His expression cleared and a smile played at the corner of his lips. “I would say we bicker like an old married couple.”
“Unhappily married,” she told him. “I don’t think it’s healthy to disagree on practically everything.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Definitely not on everything.”
She laughed. “We can’t even agree to disagree!”
James shook his head, a ghost of a smile still present on his lips as he reached for his tea mug. “Thanks for the tea, Evans.”
“You’re welcome,” she said as he turned around, giving her a perfect view of his jean-clad bum.
“Oh, Evans,” he said, stopping and looking over his shoulder, “just so you know: if I were to do this, you would be the only person I’d consider doing it with.”
Thursday arrived and she found herself in the board room again, James Potter sat opposite her, leaning back in his chair. He looked completely relaxed, unreadable even, as he tapped the pen he had brought with him on the table. Albus Dumbledore sent her a smile as they waited for Minerva McGonagall to arrive.
“I enjoyed yesterday’s show, Lily,” he told her.
“Thank you,” she responded, a smile on her face. “The guests were a bit demanding, but all was well in the end.”
“Dolores Umbridge is notoriously challenging,” Dumbledore nodded. “As long as she didn’t bite your head off afterwards, you managed it well.”
Lily was about to reply when Minerva McGonagall swiftly entered the room. “I apologize,” she said, as she marched towards the chair next to Albus Dumbledore, “there was a bit of an incident in the studio.”
“No need to rush things, Minerva,” Dumbledore said kindly before turning back to both Lily and James. “So, James, Lily, we all know why we are here. Have you come to a decision?”
Lily eyed James, who suddenly sat up straight. “Can I speak first?” he asked, not looking at Lily. His eyes, instead were trained on his hands, which he had folded on the table. “I know I was quite vocal on Tuesday and that I had some reservations about the fact that we would be lying, but,” he stopped for a moment, his knuckles whitening before they turned their usual tanned hue again, “I do think the idea for the show is a good one and that it could become something that people would be interested in. So, long story short, if Evans is up for it, so am I.”
She had gone in expecting James Potter to vehemently reject hosting this show with her. She had gone in prepared to give a speech that would say that – while she was not going to host this – she would like to get the chance to produce it. She would, so she had thought, find two people with good radio voices that had actually dated in the past. How hard could it be, right?
But now that James had said it was up to her, she suddenly found that she had trouble breathing. Her heart raced, her eyes were locked on James’ laced fingers that he now flexed and unfolded. She had never considered the possibility that he might want to do this and that he would be open to doing this with her, despite the fact that he said she would be the only person he’d consider doing this with. But he had been talking about a hypothetical situation, right?
“Lily?”
Dumbledore’s voice made her start and she looked up, her eyes wide.
“Yes,” she said, “I think that –” she didn’t at all know what she was thinking, “I think that the show has potential and I would like to help out and do my bit.”
The joy on Dumbledore’s face was evident as he clapped his hands together. “Excellent!” he exclaimed. “I know the two of you won’t regret this and that you will not disappoint Phoenix Radio.” Then he motioned towards Minerva McGonagall. “Minerva drafted up a contract for the two of you. Nothing serious. It just says that you cannot divulge to anyone that you didn’t actually date. I’m sure you understand.”
“Wait,” James said, sounding confused. “What does that mean? Our families can know, right?”
Dumbledore grimaced. “We have had our lawyers take a look at it and they all agreed that it was safer if we all pretended this relationship actually happened.”
“But,” James laughed disbelievingly, “surely that’s ridiculous. All of our colleagues know that we were never in a relationship. I work with my friends and am very close to my parents, there is no way I would not have told them or introduced them to Lily if she were my girlfriend.”
“James,” said Minerva McGonagall, “I understand that this is inconvenient, but we really do feel that this is the best thing. We only ask you to commit to this project for three months and if you still feel this way after the trial period for the show, we can review the terms.”
“It’s not about the inconvenience,” Potter replied, his neck was an embarrassed pink. “It’s just that I don’t think anyone will believe what you’ve come up with.”
“What if we said that I wanted to keep it secret?” Lily piped up. James’ eyes met hers and she sent him a reassuring smile. “We could say that I didn’t want people to know just in case we broke up. That I didn’t want to make things awkward at work if we ever ended things.” James narrowed his eyes slightly, assessing her and she shrugged. “I don’t think it’s implausible that I would ask for privacy.”
“Good thinking, Lily,” Dumbledore agreed. “I think it sounds entirely plausible.”
James sat back in his seat again and Lily noted how his legs bounced. “I need to negotiate,” he said, “I can’t tell absolutely no one about this. To be frank, I’ve kind of already spoken to Sirius about it all and he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He can spot a lie before I’ve even come up with one.”
Dumbledore and Minerva looked at one another and then nodded. “I think we can allow that,” Minerva said. “You may speak about this with one other perosn. As long as they don’t tell anyone else, it should be fine.”
“We need this programme to be great,” Dumbledore added. “If everyone knows it’s fake before it has even started, well… you understand that this would be problematic.”
She nodded and so did James. Minerva then pushed two pieces of paper towards them. “Let’s go over this together, there’s a few things we need, of course – a name, a plan, a date we start this. Sooner rather than later would be preferable, but we understand that you will need some time to get ready and to get to know each other.”
“We need to sell that we were once a couple,” Lily agreed, reading through the document that was now in her hands.
“Exactly,” said Dumbledore, “your listeners need to believe that you were once attracted to one another, that you spent your days and nights together, that you thought you had found the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.”
“Right,” said James, swallowing hard, looking as nervous as she felt. “Well, let’s get to work then?”
“So,” she said, notebook in her hands. She had booked Sound Booth F at the end of the hall for the two of them. They had agreed that step one in getting to know each other better, in convincing others that – once upon a time – they had dated, was spending an hour together each day to ask each other questions. “Your parents’ names are Euphemia and Fleamont, though they generally refer to themselves as Mia and Monty, and you are their miracle baby.”
James rolled his eyes at that. “You make me feel like a complete prat.” He shook his head disbelievingly. “I didn’t mean to say that I, as a person, am miraculous –”
“I know, I know,” she said, pacifying him, “your parents had been trying for years and just when they had given up, your mum realised she was pregnant and the rest is history.”
“The rest is history,” he said, a smile playing at his lips as he shook his head. “You talk as though I didn’t bring my parents unspeakable joy. I’ll have you know that I was and am an excellent son.”
“I don’t doubt it,” she said, placing the notebook on the table they were sat at. “I also don’t doubt that your parents may have gone prematurely grey knowing that both you and Sirius spent your teenage years in their home.”
“I don’t know about that,” he said, carefree as ever as he stood up and leaned against the wall of the studio. “I suppose my dad is tragically white-haired by now, but I’m not convinced it’s our doing. It’s probably genetics.”
“Did you inherit your father’s hair?” she asked.
“The mess of it, yes, but my grandmother from my mum’s side is Greek, so the colour is all that side of the family.” His grin is smug. “I’ll have you know mum’s hair only contains streaks of grey.”
“Well, lucky you,” she said, “winning the jackpot on two fronts.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know you’ve got excellent hair,” she was the one to roll her eyes this time, aware of the fact that his entire face lit up like a child’s on his birthday.
“As a matter of fact,” he said, pushing himself off the wall, getting closer to the table she was sitting at, “Sirius is normally the one to be told his hair is magnificent. Mine is usually referred to as a bird’s nest. At least, by my parents.” He sat back down in the chair opposite hers. “Then again, fair enough, my dad did found Sleekeazy Hair. I suppose it’s pretty ironic that his own son is so opposed to sleeking it all back.”
She found herself smiling at him, openly so, and she realised that – perhaps – things were veering towards too friendly here. Therefore, she sat up straight, grabbed her notebook again and busied herself with reading all the questions she had written down, questions she – as a dedicated girlfriend – would certainly know the answer to.
“All right,” she said, clearing her throat for a minute as she desperately glued her eyes to the paper in front of her, “I suppose we covered quite a bit of ground today.” She pursed her lips as her eyes stopped on one question. “Except for –” she looked up at him again, he looked at her patiently, “I suppose we are about to go into more awkward territory.”
He chuckled, leaning back in his chair again, his hand moving towards his hair. “Oh no, it’s that part of the interview,” he sent her a reassuring grin. “What’s your question, Evans?”
“Well,” she said, “I suppose we do need to know a little bit about each other’s relationship history.”
James’ eyes shifted away from hers, a delicate pink creeping up his cheeks. “Are you asking me how many relationships I’ve been in?”
“I guess I am,” she told him. When he was quiet for a while, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish as no sound came out, she decided to make this easier on him. “How about I go first?” She put her pen and notebook down and took a deep breath. “Okay, so I’ve had two serious boyfriends,” she started. “One of them – Amos Diggory – I started dating when I was sixteen. We broke up the day before I was set to attend uni. He didn’t want to do long distance, seeing as he was going to St Andrews all the way up north and I was going to the London School of Economics and Political Science.” As she was talking, James grimaced, his eyes glued to the wall behind her. “My second serious boyfriend I started dating during my second year at uni, his name is Edgar Bones and we dated for roughly two years, I think?”
She stopped talking. Potter’s jaw was set before he swallowed and looked back at her.
“And you dated?”
“Sure,” she said, shrugging. “Nothing really serious, but I do go on dates every once in a while. Sometimes my friends set me up.” She wanted to add that she hadn’t been truly comfortable dating guys in the past two years, but she would then have to explain why this was the case, so she decided to omit that piece of information.
“One of them being Snape, right?” he asked, looking away from her again. “You dated him?”
Her heart stopped, her fingers started to tremble and – as she noticed – she put her hands in her lap, taking them out of sight. “Why would you say that?”
He laughed, but it was not his genuine, pleasant one. She didn’t know how to describe it. “He told me,” he said and a blush crept up his neck. “When I asked you out.”
“For the dare, you mean?” she felt a similar heat rush up her neck, while at the same time, her lungs felt constricted, as though she couldn’t breathe. As though half of the oxygen available had suddenly left the room.
“Yeah,” Potter said, his eyes flitting around the room, “he told me to back off, because you were going out with him.”
“Oh.”
She didn’t know how to feel about this. Severus Snape and James Potter had always had a toxic working relationship. Severus used to complain for hours on end about Potter’s lack of talent – “What does McGonagall see in him? He’s nothing more than a pompous prat.” – and about his arrogance, which – to be fair – she had found herself complaining about as well. But underneath it all, Lily knew that the true reason that Potter annoyed her so much was that she was stupidly attracted to him and, apparently, felt so embarrassed and pathetic for liking someone so far out of reach that she had found it easier to focus on all the parts of him that she didn't love.
Not that their chat today had done any of this any favours. He could get under her skin so easily, get her heart to beat so fast that it felt like she had run an entire marathon, her adrenaline peaking.
But this was all beside the point. The point was that Severus – whom she had always, up until two years ago, thought of as a close work friend – had told James Potter that they had been dating. That he had preyed on her for years before he finally snapped, pushed her up against the wall and – she closed her eyes. She couldn’t think about this, not now. Not with Potter in the room.
“It’s fine,” Potter said, he sounded strange to her. "Clearly, I didn’t know you were dating him or I wouldn’t have asked in the first place –”
“I didn’t,” it escaped her before she could really register that she was about to say it. It came out rather breathless as she opened her eyes. “I never dated Severus Snape.” James stilled at that and she didn’t know why she continued, but she needed to get this out, she needed him to understand that what Snape had said had been out of line, part of his obsession with her, however embarrassing this may be. “He had different ideas about our relationship,” she said. “I only ever thought we were friends, but he –” she swallowed hard and looked away from him, feeling a familiar pressure behind her eyes, “he seemed to be okay with that for a while, but then two years ago –”
She had to stop there. She started to feel dizzy, her breaths coming in short gasps.
“Lily?”
She could hear him getting up from his seat, but didn’t fully register it. She was focusing on her breaths, breathing in for three seconds, breathing out for five – she could do this. She had managed before. She could keep her breathing under control.
“It’s okay,” Potter’s warm voice said and she could feel his hand on hers, he gripped it gently. “Keep breathing, Evans,” his voice wrapped around her like a fuzzy blanket, “all the way down to your belly.” He put the hand that he’d been holding on her stomach, letting go of it as he placed his other hand on her shoulder. “Exactly,” he said, “just like that.”
She didn’t know exactly how long they sat there like that – his hand a steady pressure on her shoulder, his voice a lifeline for her to hold on to, his entire presence so reassuring that she – eventually – managed to settle her anxiety and turned her head slightly to look at James Potter, kneeling beside her. She sent him a small smile.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice sounded raw to her own ears.
“Don’t be,” he said. Concern lined his forehead, his eyes a warm, liquid honey behind his glasses.
After a few more minutes, she told him she was good to go and that he really didn’t have to kneel beside her anymore.
“You’re my fake ex, not my fake fiancé,” she told him, her smile widening slightly.
A low chuckle escaped him as he – she thought somewhat reluctantly – got up and let his hand drop from her shoulder. “I tend to overdo things,” he said, his eyes never leaving her, as if he was still checking she was okay, walking backwards towards his chair. “I don’t know how to do things by halves.”
She laughed at that and watched as the corners of Potter’s lips lifted, as though he was relieved to hear she could still do that.
She should feel embarrassed, really. She lost all control in Sound Booth F with James Potter in the room. On any other day, with any other person she would be mortified, but there was something about his presence, something about the kindness he radiated, the patience he exhibited as he waited for her to regain her wits – it was very difficult to feel ashamed or broken when James Potter’s warmth surrounded you.
“I’m not going to ask,” he then said, his voice and the look in his eyes still warm, “I have no right to.” He looked away from her then. “But I hope you know that –” he swallowed, finding her eyes again, “I hope you know that this doesn’t leave the room. What just happened, is a secret I’ll take with me to the grave.”
She smiled softly. “Thank you,” and then she laughed. “You’re right, you never do anything by halves. Taking your secret with you to the grave? So dramatic.”
James smiled sheepishly as he shrugged. “What do I say, Evans? You truly bring out the most in me.”
James Potter had had four serious girlfriends. The number flit through her head as she lay in bed that night.
After they had left Sound Booth F, James and Lily had returned to their jobs for the day. James had another episode of Behind the Scenes to work on, while she had to produce The Slug Club. Horace Slughorn had been right in the middle of answering audience questions when she had realised that James Potter had never answered the question she had asked, since she had volunteered to go first and had consequently started hyperventilating.
Hesitating only a moment – they were colleagues, working on the same show now – she had sent him an email, asking him to answer the question. She hadn’t thought he would reply the same day, but he had answered her email just as she had gotten on the Tube.
Evans,
Just couldn’t wait to see me tomorrow morning to ask that question, huh?
Joking. You did say you would go first and perhaps I deliberately left the question unanswered. I was more than happy not to ever have to talk about this with anyone. The thing is: my last break up was a hard one. Our relationship ended roughly nine months ago and it definitely wasn’t pretty.
I had four girlfriends:
- Magnolia Brown
- Emmeline Vance
- Megan Dearborn
- Ishani Patil
Magnolia was my first girlfriend. I played football in secondary school and was pretty good at it (not bragging, just stating facts 😉). She used to come see every match, because she liked me and I figured I liked her as well. We dated for roughly eight months.
Emmie became my girlfriend when I was seventeen years old. We dated for two years and are still friends. We hang out sometimes, she’s cool.
Megan was my girlfriend for a year when I was at uni. She was actually the younger sister of one of my friends – Caradoc – and we had a good time together. She moved back to Cardiff after she finished university and we decided that what we had for that one year was good.
After that, I dated for a while, asked people out, living and loving the life of the young bachelor, I suppose. Until three years ago I met Ishani.
Ishani is great, but her family was pretty conservative. Her parents had been all set to arrange her marriage for her, but Ishani had downright refused. She was this liberated, well-educated, young, Indian woman who never let anything get in her way and when we started dating, it all seemed perfect. My parents adored her, her parents – after their initial doubts – liked me and we fit well in each other’s friend groups.
What went wrong, you might ask? Well, I suppose that, in the end, I got cold feet. I could tell that her family was waiting for me to propose and after a while I realised that Ishani was as well. At first, I thought I could do that, but then I started to have my doubts. Was this really it for me? Was this the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? I realised the answer to those two questions was not necessarily yes, even though I wanted it to be.
So – and this is where the mess starts and I’m almost embarrassed to write this all down – I told Ishani we had to talk. I took her to Hyde Park and it wasn’t until fifteen minutes in that I realised she had gotten the wrong idea entirely. We had just been making awkward small talk when she stopped me and said: “Just do it. Just ask me.”
I don’t want to go into too much detail. You have a vivid imagination. I’m sure you can colour it all in.
So, that is it, really. I’m sorry if it’s a bit much. It just felt unfair not to tell you about all of this, seeing as you’re the (fake) girlfriend that came after Ishani. I suppose, now that you know all of this, it makes sense that I would have agreed to keep our (fake) relationship a secret.
I’ll see you tomorrow, Evans. Have a good night!
Potter
P.s. I hope you are okay. I’m sorry for the part I played in making you feel the way you did earlier today.
Of course, after reading that email, she had stupidly looked up all four of James Potter’s girlfriends on social media. Emmeline Vance’s and Megan Dearborn’s Instagram profiles were private, but she could tell from their pictures that they were tall, outgoing blondes. Magnolia Brown, on the other hand, was a proud mother of two, displaying her perfect family life on Instagram through hundreds of pictures.
That left Ishani Patil and as soon as she found the Instagram account of the girl James Potter could have been engaged to, it all spiralled down.
Ishani was beautiful. Her long dark hair was glossy, her skin a perfect light brown, her smile wide and joyful. She thought Ishani looked a little like Priyanka Chopra and realised that she could not be any more different from this perfect young woman. To be fair, she was very different from all of James’ girlfriends it seemed.
And that shouldn’t have mattered. She was pretending to be his fake ex. Perhaps the fact that she was so unlike any of the other girls he had dated, that she was so clearly not his type, would make all of this all the more believable.
She just really hoped that people would not consider her the girl he rebounded with after having dated this fantastically gorgeous young woman.
“So, just to get all of this straight,” Remus Lupin said, his eyes flitting from Lily to James. “The two of you dated for four months and didn’t tell anyone about it?”
“Yep,” James said, popping his ‘p’ before bringing the beer he had ordered to his lips. He gulped it down like a man that hadn’t had anything to drink in about four days.
“And you managed to keep this a secret?” Remus asked James, his eyes wide.
“I insisted on it,” she said, coming to the rescue. Remus turned his head to look at her. “I was afraid it would all explode in my face if we told people.”
Sirius snorted into his drink. “I bet something exploded in your face.”
James hit the back of his head, bright red all of a sudden. “Clearly she was right, because we are now doing a show in which we talk about how our relationship ended.”
Remus still appeared to be at a loss for words. “I honestly thought I’d never see the day…”
Lily smiled at him sympathetically, patting his arm. “I know,” she said, “we don’t exactly make for the most compatible couple.”
“No,” Remus said, shaking his head, “I actually think you are, I kept telling James that it was only a matter of time and I was sure he would never let you go once he had you.”
Her eyes went wide, moving away from Remus to focus on James, who had a pained expression on his face. “Yeah, well,” he said, sliding off the bar stool he had been sitting on, “I guess I managed to fuck it up in record speed. Anyone want another drink?”
James quickly left the table after the others got their orders in.
“I’m sorry, Lily,” Remus said. “I’m just surprised. James is normally the definition of an open book and I can’t believe he actually –” He shook his head again, letting out a disbelieving laugh.
“Especially because he has always been obsessed with you,” Peter Pettigrew piped up.
“Okay, okay,” Sirius Black said, catching her eye, before slapping Peter on the shoulder, “let’s preserve some of his dignity here, please. We don’t have to reveal all of James’ deepest and darkest secrets.”
Lily laughed at that, but couldn’t ignore the knot that had formed in her stomach. What did Peter mean when he said that James had always been obsessed with her? He had had a serious girlfriend for a long time that he had only broken up with, because he had not yet been ready to propose to her. When did this obsession start or end? And – if he had been obsessed at all and that was a scenario that became increasingly unlikely to her – why had she never noticed it?
Before she could even begin to formulate that question in a manner that could be deemed casual rather than desperate, James returned to the table with another pint for Sirius and himself.
“What did I miss?” he asked, grinning at everyone.
“Absolutely nothing,” Sirius said as he accepted the glass of beer James had gotten him. “Thanks, mate.”
“So, when do you guys start with this whole thing?” asked Remus, apparently unable to move on from the topic of Lily’s and James’ status as exes.
“First week of May,” James answered. “We still haven’t figured out a name for the programme, though.”
It was as though it was fated, meant to be, really, when out of the pub's speakers Little Mix’s Perrie’s powerful voice sang: “This is a shout out to my ex”. She looked at James and he looked at her. They both grinned.
Transcript of Shout Out To My Ex, Episode 1: How This Started
<Fade in audio clips while the instrumental version of the chorus of “Shout Out To My Ex” by Little Mix plays underneath.>
“Elle, If I'm going to be a politician, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.” (Legally Blonde)
“From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.” (Pride & Prejudice)
“So you make love to me, and then you go back to your husband? Was that your plan? Was that a test that I didn't pass?” (The Notebook)
“The fame thing isn't really real, you know. Don't forget – I'm also just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.” (Notting Hill)
“You will care for somebody, and you’ll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it’s your way, and you will and I’ll watch.” (Little Women)
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone with the Wind)
<Music fades out.>
James
It was on a cold day in January…
Lily
I’m pretty sure it was February.
James
It was sometime in winter and you were wearing that green blouse I used to love…
Lily
Wasn’t I wearing a dress?
James
You’re so hung up on the details.
Lily
Only because you are.
James
I’m pretty sure you’re the one that is ridiculously detail-oriented.
Lily
And you wonder why we broke up…
James
My name is James Potter.
Lily
And I’m Lily Evans.
James
Welcome to Shout Out To My Ex, a brand new show at Phoenix Radio. Thank you for joining us today. Whether you’re listening live or listening by podcast somewhere in the distant or not so distant future.
Lily
This is our first time on air like this. You will all know James as one of the hosts of Behind the Scene, but this is likely the first time you hear me speak. I have been a producer for Horace Slughorn’s The Slug Club for the past seven years, but I also used to date dear James here.
James
Earlier this year, we broke up. But we still had to face each other as colleagues every day.
Lily
We are both really excited to share our experiences with you as we try to uncover what went wrong in our relationship and try to answer the question: why did we break up in the first place?
James
Excellent line of inquiry, Evans. Why did we?
Lily
Maybe because you liked to refer to me by using my last name rather than my first?
James
Let’s discuss that in a moment. We are not just going to talk about our own break up. We also want you to share your stories with us and we will invite some experts on the show to give us some insight into dating, relationships and the aftermath. Because let’s face it: not every relationship ends with an “and they lived happily ever after”.
Lily
Unfortunately, they do not. Some of the most common reasons for people to break up in this day and age are a lack of communication or an emotional connection, toxic behaviour, infidelity –
James
Working too closely with your partner.
Lily
Or interrupting them all the time?
James
I thought this was friendly banter?
Lily
That would require you to be friendly.
James
I am! Just ask my mates!
Lily
Touching on another reason for a possible break up: liking your friends better than your significant other.
James
Ouch. That hurt. To be fair, I always knew it was time to go when you mentioned the words “girls’ night”.
Lily
Right. Let’s pretend this was about me liking my friends better than you. Everyone with eyes can see you are attached to your friends’ hips. Our listeners might even be able to confirm that you and Black are practically twins.
James
Hey! I liked you plenty! I was a very devoted boyfriend.
Lily
Well, that’s a relief to hear.
James
Can I ask you something?
<Papers shuffle.>
James
This is not in your notes, Lil.
Lily
You’re improvising?
James
Sure, why not? I’m sure you won’t need your notes for this. What I really want to know is the following: what would you change about me if you could? Something that would have made a difference, made us more compatible?
Lily
Something that would have avoided our break up?
James
Yeah. Basically. <Laughs.> Just one thing, though, okay?
Lily
Only one? Well, you are right. I don’t need any notes to answer this question. I suppose the one thing that has really annoyed me from the start is your only child syndrome.
James
<Laughs.> What? What’s that supposed to mean?
Lily
Just that you tend to be a bit spoiled. A little entitled perhaps. Also, sometimes you enter the room and I wonder if you have to contain yourself from shouting “Here I am!” as if the whole world revolves around you.
James
Wow, Evans. You didn’t even have to think about that one, did you? You went straight to the heart of the problem.
Lily
I mean, I could have said that it really annoys me that you’re always playing with that stupid tennis ball of yours –
James
The one that is currently in the drawer of your desk?
Lily
Exactly. It drives me insane when you do that.
James
I think it’s because you secretly like it.
Lily
<Snorts.> Who tells you that? Black?
James
All right, all right. Do you want me to tell you what I would change about you?
Lily
Sure.
James
Do you think you can handle it?
Lily
Of course I can.
James
Okay, okay. The thing I would change about you is your tendency to please everyone around you. You always put someone else’s needs before your own. You’re a bit self-sacrificing. Selfless to a fault.
Lily
You’re saying I’m a people pleaser. That I work too hard to satisfy others?
James
Basically.
Lily
Huh.
James
What?
Lily
I thought you liked it when I put your needs before my own? That I always worked really, really hard to satisfy you.
James
<Coughs.>
Lily
<Laughs.> Look at you! All flustered! I wish people could see you now.
James
Well, I suppose that brings me to the next thing I wish I could change about you. Your constant need to make fun of me.
Lily
Someone needs to take you down a peg or two every once in a while.
James
And no one does it like you do, Evans. Anyway, if I weren’t a spoiled brat and you weren’t a people pleaser – do you think we would still be together? Would we not have broken up?
Lily
I think that you should never expect your partner to change. If you feel the need to, you’re probably not in the right relationship.
James
And that people, is why I dated her in the first place: she’s pretty smart.
Reviews of Shout Out To My Ex, Episode 1: How This Started
★★★★
Shout Out To My Ex is timely and delivers!
★★★★
James Potter and Lily Evans have tons of (s)ex appeal.
★★★
Refreshing radio – two exes that talk about what went wrong in their relationship. Beats a night of binging Ex on the Beach and Love Island.
★★★★
The question that lingers: why did they ever break up?
★★★★★
All you ever needed! Edgy banter by two people who fell out of love and deliciously reflect on their time together.
★★★★
You’ll wish you were on such good terms with your ex.
★★★★★
So good you never, ever, ever want them to get back together.
“To James and Lily, the two best fucking exes there ever were!” Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs. Most of the people in the pub that the Marauders liked to frequent at the end of the work day had no idea what this toast was all about, but they were good sports and cheered along with them.
Lily, who had been handed a shot glass by Pomona Sprout of all people, downed it in one go, fire burning down her throat as James rubbed the back of her neck soothingly.
“You okay?” he asked, leaning closer to her ear.
She hated that he seemed perfectly fine, perfectly unaffected by the drink that had left her unable to speak for something close to a minute.
“Sure,” she said, but she sounded as though she was choking and James laughed loudly, his hand slowly dropping to just between her shoulder blades.
James had been euphoric all day. People had loved the first episode of Shout Out To My Ex and positive feedback had filled Phoenix Radio’s Twitter account and thousands had already started to follow the social media accounts that had been created and dedicated to the show. Lily herself had received close to 800 friend requests on her private account, which was a bit overwhelming.
Now, they were at the pub, joined by several of their co-workers whom all – minus Sirius Black – believed that she and James had been dating up until three months ago and that they were now amicable exes, despite their bickering, that were – to quote Horace Slughorn – “ensuring the future of Phoenix Radio”.
She had smiled all day, accepted all compliments, but something lingered in the back of her mind and she wondered if what she was doing was morally sound. She kept telling herself that they were just telling a story and that it was all for a greater cause – beating Riddle Radio – but standing here, surrounded by all her celebrating colleagues, she couldn’t help but feel duplicitous.
That feeling combined with the tingles all over her body, spreading from where James Potter had laid his hand to rest on her back, was highly confusing. One thing she knew for sure is that she shouldn’t drink too much or she would do something that would thoroughly embarrass her.
Being on air with James Potter had been exhilarating. She had always been a producer, watching Horace Slughorn do his thing in the Sound Booth. Now she was on the other side, wearing headphones, talking into the microphone. The adrenaline had rushed through her, her nerves had soon disappeared through James’ reassuring smiles, their natural banter that they had prepared for the past week worked and it had all gone swimmingly. It had gone so well even that she started to wonder at a certain point if they had actually dated and she had just erased it from her memory.
Callers had called in. One woman – Molly Weasley – had just called to comment that she loved the show and that she thought it was wonderful that they were still on speaking terms despite the fact that they had ended their relationships.
“I’ve been happily married for a few years and I’ve got five boys, but I hear so many stories from my younger twin brothers about the dating scene these days and it’s horrifying! I don’t think I would have had the courage to start anything if I were single right now,” she had said. “But the way you two communicate despite the fact that your relationship ended makes me feel hopeful. It can be done!”
James had caught her eye before opening his mouth and thanking Molly for the compliment. “To be fair,” he had said, “it’s really difficult not to be nice to Lily. She’s one of the kindest people I know.”
“And I suppose James is tolerable,” she had said, making James laugh.
Making him laugh had quickly become one of her favourite things in the world.
“Hey,” James said, lightly pressing his fingers into her back, “do you want anything else to drink? A pint or anything?”
“Oh,” she said, turning her head slightly. His hair was a mess, his eyes twinkled behind his glasses, his eyes slightly red-rimmed, showing that he was getting close to having had one pint too many. “I’m not a great fan of beer, actually. Maybe some white wine?”
He nodded and she reached for her bag to take out a few Pounds, but his hand stopped her. “It’s on me,” he said, bowing his head slightly. “I can buy my ex a drink, right?”
She laughed at that. “Of course you can,” she said. “But just for your information: I’m perfectly capable of paying for my own drinks and buying you one as well.”
“You pay for the next round then,” he said, winking at her as he left. She tried to ignore the butterflies that erupted in her stomach.
“It’s a shame the two of you broke up.”
She turned her head to find Pomona Sprout staring at her.
“You make such a handsome couple,” she continued. “I told my husband last night when we were listening to the programme together that the two of you just sounded so happy. He agreed with me, of course, but then again he always does.” Pomona chuckled to herself and leaned in closer to Lily. “We may have been married for close to thirty years, but the fire in his loins is as strong now as it was when we first met.”
“Ah,” Lily said.
“I’m sure James was an excellent lover,” the middle-aged woman said, wiggling her eyebrows. “I noticed he has very good fingers.”
She felt very hot all of a sudden.
“Your white wine!”
With a flourish, James placed a glass of wine in front of her, moving to stand back next to her. Saved by the bell.
Pomona winked at her, turning her head away from the two of them and joining the conversation Filius Flitwick and Horace Slughorn were engaged in.
“What were you talking about?” James asked.
She shook her head. “You really don’t want to know.”
“Thank you so much for all of this,” Lily told Batilda Bagshot as soon as they received the sign that the episode was over.
“It was a pleasure,” the woman said, taking off her headphones and getting up from her seat. “Remember what I said, though,” her eyes twinkled here, “I think there is something left still between the two of you.”
James let out an awkward laugh. “Really,” he said, “I can assure you that we are very much no longer together.”
Batilda Bagshot stood up then, straightening her jacket as she looked down at them. “Life is short,” she said, a playful smile playing at her lips, “it’s a waste of time not to act on your feelings.”
With that, she left the sound booth, enthusiastically greeting Minerva McGonagall who waited outside. Apparently, they used to go to school together and they were going out for dinner after the third episode of Shout Out To My Ex had ended.
“Great work, Lily, James,” said Peter Pettigrew, his voice booming through the sound booth's speakers, startling the both of them, and then they were alone.
“That was a good one,” James said, running his fingers through his hair after he had removed his headphones. “I liked the advice Bagshot gave to that final caller.”
“Yeah,” she replied, sending him a smile, “and you were very smooth. I’m sorry that I froze up for a moment when she suggested that there was some sort of lingering tension between the two of us.”
Potter took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “Don’t even mention it. I’ve got quite a bit of experience being on air, so I know how to deal with these sort of situations.” He pushed his glasses back on his face and grimaced. “Shit, I sounded like a ponce.”
She laughed. “No, don’t worry,” she told him. “I’m very, very grateful that you at least know what you’re doing. I sometimes feel like I’m flailing around.”
He scoffed. “You’re a natural, Evans,” he placed his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Really, you’re doing so great. I would not be surprised if McGonagall only ever allows you to be on air from now on.”
She felt her cheeks heat up and she hoped that the blush that undoubtedly spread there was an elegant one. “Thanks, Potter. That means a lot coming from the sexiest voice at Phoenix Radio.”
James groaned at that, putting his hands before his eyes. “Don’t mention that.”
“What? Your fan club?” she teased. “But they adore you. What did that one comment say again? Oh wait, I remember,” she batted her eyelashes at him and playfully flipped her hair as in a breathy voice, which in her imagination only Marilyn Monroe herself could have done better, she said: “his voice makes me want to lick him all over.”
“Fuck,” he cursed, a desperate tone to his voice as he dropped his head on the table, “you can’t do that to me, Evans.”
“Can’t do what? Remind you of your voice’s immense sex appeal?”
“No,” he said, his voice sounding muffled and then he sat up with a sigh. “Say things like that, because they make my imagination go wild.”
“What?” she asked, amused. “Does the idea of a harem of your fans at your absolute beck and call turn you on?”
He shook his head, avoiding her eyes as he muttered, so softly that she nearly missed it: “No, you do.”
She froze. Her fingers that had been toying with the cord of the headphones dropped to her lap. “Oh,” she breathed.
“Yeah,” Potter said, “pretty shit, right?”
Her heart beat frantically inside her chest, her fingers ached to reach out, to get lost in the mess that was the black hair on top of his head. If he didn’t look absolutely miserable confessing that he found her attractive – or that’s what she thought it meant – she would probably have climbed him like a monkey, sitting on his lap, dragging her nails down his shirt, a finger down his fly.
She swallowed. Hard.
“No, it’s –” she started, but she didn’t know what to say and stopped.
James still didn’t look at her. “I’m sorry to ruin the mood,” he uttered. “It really was a good show.”
She was at a loss for words and wondered if she currently found herself in a parallel universe. A dream sequence, perhaps. Surely, this was wishful thinking on her part, because there was no way that James Potter could have just admitted to her that she turned him on. It must have been because Batilda Bagshot had mentioned a so-called “lingering tension” that he felt like this at all.
James’ leg bounced up and down and before she knew what she was really doing, she placed one of her hands on top of his knee.
Then everything seemed to happen all at once.
James looked up at her, their eyes locked and before she had even registered that she had gotten up from her chair, she had settled herself in his lap, their noses nearly touching, their lips only a breath away. Her breasts brushed against his chest, his hands wrapped around her waist and her hands wrapped around his neck, her fingers curling in the hair at the back of his neck. Their breaths were heavy, their eye contact smouldering.
“What are we doing?” his lips brushed against hers as he spoke, his voice deeper and sexier than she had ever heard it before and she thought to herself – a wicked smile threatening to escape – that none of those women salivating over his voice in their homes, cars or wherever else they would listen to Shout Out To My Ex, would ever get to hear this.
Instead of answering him – what was there to say after all? She really had no clue as to what they were doing, what the hell she was thinking, really – she pressed her lips against his.
For a moment that was all it was. Her lips pressed against his. It was all she could process until panic suddenly took over, because he was just sitting there, frozen, and… oh.
He kissed her back.
The press of his lips against hers was firm, but curious and her entire body started to tingle. Her fingers slowly slid from his hair down to his shoulders as his stubble – the five o’clock shadow that she so loved to see on his jaw – deliciously scraped against her chin.
She felt weightless as his arms wrapped fully around her waist, one of his hands coming to rest on her bum and she was pretty sure she whimpered, but his mouth swallowed the sound and their tongues touched.
All track of time was lost as they snogged. She revelled in the way their hearts synched up, beating rapidly in tandem. She loved how their mouths slid against each other’s, how their teeth nipped, their tongues caressed and she found herself pressing so close against him that she wasn’t sure where she ended and he started.
The door opened with a bang and a startled cry was heard.
“Oh no,” she recognised Pomona Sprout’s voice as she quickly disentangled herself from James. She knew she was bright red as she turned her head to look at her wide-eyed colleague. “I do apologize,” Sprout said, “I didn’t realise the booth was still taken.” Her eyes jumped from Lily to James.
“No, no, no,” Lily said, sounding as breathless as she felt, “the booth is definitely no longer occupied. We just have to,” she turned towards the table, frantically reaching for the notes that she had left there before she had climbed into James Potter’s lap, “clean up and –”
“Yeah,” she heard James say. He sounded hoarse. “You can definitely use this one.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Pomona. “I’ll just get the next booth over and you can,” she seemed to be looking for words, “finish what you were doing.”
The door closed behind her and Lily dropped all the papers she had gathered in her hands, turning around to face James.
His lips were swollen, his cheeks a faint pink and his chest rose heavily which each breath he took.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, even though she didn’t know what she was apologising for.
“It’s fine,” he said, both his hands going up to his hair in an attempt to flatten the mess she had made. It definitely wasn’t working, so she stepped forward and placed her hands on his elbows.
“Let me,” she said.
She stood on her tiptoes, he let his arms fall next to his body and she reached up, her fingers gently touching his locks. He hesitated for a moment, but then his hands wrapped around her hips, fingers pressing into the soft skin there, holding her as she balanced on the tips of her toes.
“It’s probably no use,” he said softly. “Nothing can tame it.”
“I’m not giving up that easily,” she said, her eyes meeting his defiantly. “Besides, I’m not looking to domesticate it. I told you before, your hair is excellent.”
James’ eyes dipped to her lips and her breath hitched.
She thought he would kiss her again, but he turned his head away.
“We probably shouldn’t have done that,” he said.
She dropped back on her heels, her hands falling from his hair, his hands moving away from her hips.
“Right,” she said, hoping that her disappointment wasn’t as evident to him as it was to her.
James took a step back, creating more distance between them and she turned, hiding her face, afraid he would be able to read her, that he would be able to detect the tears that threatened to fall.
“It was probably all that talk about lingering tension between us,” she said, needing to regain some control over the narrative. “We let ourselves get carried away.”
For a moment he didn’t say anything, just collected his own notes. “That was probably it, yeah,” he shuffled his papers into a neat pile and then stopped, his fingers flat on the table. “Do you think we should forget this ever happened?”
If she was disappointed before, she now felt her heart break in two. “Sure,” she said. “It’s probably for the best with the show taking off.”
“Exactly,” James said and she thought he almost sounded relieved. He might as well have stabbed her. “Anyway, I should probably go, Sirius wanted to talk about Behind the Scenes and I’m probably late to that meeting already.”
“Of course,” she said. Before she even had time to look up, he had reached the door and opened it.
“I’ll see you around, Evans,” he said, not looking back at her.
“See you,” she managed to say before the door closed behind him and he disappeared from view.
Phoenix Radio
@phoenixradio
Get ready for the third episode of @shoutouttomyex! James Potter and Lily Evans undergo live couples therapy from Dr Batilda Bagshot. Send in your questions or call in if you are looking for some advice yourself!
Molly Weasley
@theweasleymatriarch
I live for this show. When my husband gets home, I hand over the children and lock myself in the bathroom to listen to these two. I never want it to end.
Magnolia Brown
@mummybrown
OMG!!! I used to date @jpotter in secondary!!! Can I just say, though: he and Lily are so CUTE!!!!
Bellatrix Lestrange
@bellatrixlestrange
Convenient that they work at the same radio station…
Alice Longbottom
@alicelongbottom
Why did these two break up?! I ship them so much! 100% agree with Batilda Bagshot: there is still something there.
Mary MacDonald
@scottishmary
So proud of my bestie @lilyevans! Star struck!
Andy Tonks
@andytonks
I’ve never shipped anything as hard as I ship JILY! Can they please get back together right now?!
Severus Snape
@snapesev
Who the f*** is stupid enough to believe they used to date?
Sirius Black
@sobstoryofmylife
@snapesev take your snotty nose out of their business