Work Text:
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Daniel.”
“Jack.”
“Daniel, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell I am going to strip down to my skivvies and wrap my ass in some weird vine.” Jack’s voice was emphatic and he was leaning away from Daniel and the leader of the people on PX9-632.
Daniel looked back at him, exasperated, then turned to the slight, dark-skinned, white-haired man holding a long leafy vine out to Jack with insistent jabs of his hands. The man said a few words to Daniel then glowered at Jack.
“Jack, if you want that trade agreement you don’t have a choice. That’s why we came back here, isn’t it!?” Daniel’s voice dropped to an insistent whisper.
Jack ran the hand holding his green cap through his hair. His long fingers left furrows and a point sticking straight up on top at the back, just like the kid Alfalfa in the old kids movies.
“Dammit, Daniel. I did not come here to dress like some kind of weird plant and be led around by my,” he hit the cap against his leg and puffed out air, “my, uh,”
“Nothing, Jack,” Daniel hastened to say. “Led by nothing. You just have to follow him in a circle inside the ceremonial trees. When he stops moving, you stop. Then the tribal leaders offer him the fruit of their region. He takes a bite. You take a bite. It’s all done.”
“Yes, sir,” Carter pitched in. “I would do it, but he said it had to be our leader. Sorry, sir.”
Jack’s eyes begged a fellow warrior for help, but Teal’c raised an eyebrow and looked away, leaving Jack to his fate.
“Yeah, just like I’m some kind of damned fruit tree.” Jack grumbled as he gave in and unclipped his P90.
“Alright, Danny. Let’s get this over with.” He started divesting himself of his equipment and clothes, trying to ignore Carter, whom he could have sworn was sniggering and had turned her back to him. He stood in his boxer briefs, waiting for the leader or chief or priest or whatever to start winding the vine.
“Uh, Jack,” Daniel said, pushing his glasses up his nose.
Jack spun around to stare at Daniel.
“What?” he barked.
“You have to be naked,” Daniel said, holding back a smile. Sam turned around to stare at them both, her eyes wide with surprise.
“No, I don’t,” Jack said, staring at Sam. He seemed to be pleading with her to make this all go away.
“Yes, you do,” Daniel replied.
“Don’t.”
“Do.”
“Don’t.” Jack crossed his arms. Sam rolled her eyes. Daniel was almost dancing with anxiety.
“O’Neill,” Teal’c said evenly, “you are a warrior, and my brother. You would not disrespect the customs of these people.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement and it was delivered with a straight face and a raised eyebrow.
“Et tu, T? Never mind. Okay,” Jack threw up his hands. “Carter,” he started.
“Yes, sir. Stepping outside, sir,” she said smiling, and turned toward the door.
“You all must leave, except for the supreme guest,” the leader said.
“Supreme guest?” Daniel enunciated, looking first at Jack, then Teal’c and Sam.
Sam repressed a laugh and averted her eyes from Jack.
“Yes. Your leader is our supreme guest for this celebration.”
Jack almost groaned after they all left. He huffed as he shucked his boxers.
The leader, called a Rathtar, started winding the vine. He began low around Jack’s hips, crossing the vine over itself several times to secure it. Jack managed to only jerk back a tiny bit as the man looped the vine around his balls and then lifted his limp penis with a calloused finger and thumb, and wrapped the vine around his limp length round several times, before pulling the vine between his legs and up the crack in his ass. The Rathtar pulled it through the vine around Jack’s waist, then wrapped it around him twice more before securing the ends. He nodded and stepped back.
Jack was almost afraid to look down, but he slowly lowered his head. He grunted when he saw that the vine and leaves completely covered his front from below his navel down to the tops of his thighs. His penis and balls were covered completely, almost like they were stuffed in a cloth, and he sighed in relief. At least he wouldn’t be bouncing around for people (like Carter) to see. If only he could ignore the leafy wedgy crawling up his ass crack.
“Let’s get this show on the road,” he said, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. He tried not to flex his butt cheeks.
He followed the Rathtar outside and the first person he saw was Teal’c.
“The others have gone ahead, O’Neill,” Teal’c said with a slight bow. “I will accompany you.”
Jack just hoped the damn fruit wouldn’t have some kind of drug on it.
The leaves on the vine had a pointed end. He could feel them poke him as he walked. He resisted the urge to reach down and scratch himself. He was not sure if that would be a sign of disrespect or not, so he dealt with the itch by letting his mind wander to other things, like Carter.
“Not helping,” he mumbled to himself. The last thing he needed was the vine to start growing in front of all these people.
They arrived at the ceremonial place. It was a circle made of large trees. The branches formed a canopy over them. The sunlight barely came through.
The ceremony would be held around a fire pit in the middle of the circle the trees formed. The dirt had 15 stones. Jack assumed it was one rock for each tribe on this planet. He was correct.
After he stood in the center of the circle with the Rathtar, 15 people in different colored robes filled the area in front of the rocks. These were the leaders of the tribes. His dick began to itch from the pointed leaves. He wanted to get this over with.
The Rathtar acknowledged the tribal leaders with a slight bow and looked at Jack, who took the hint and bowed. The Rathtar started walking slowly around the circle, chanting and raising his arms to the tree tops and to each side. Jack followed a few steps behind. He wasn’t sure if he should emulate the Rathtar’s arm movements, so he put his palms together like a child praying and kept his head bowed. He’d much rather be looking at Carter’s six than the Rathtar’s skinny ass and spindley legs. They circled the fire three times and stopped where they began.
Each of the 15 tribal leaders walked to the Rathtar and gave him a piece of the fruit that grew in their region. The Rathtar took a bite, and handed the fruit to Jack, who took a bite. It was actually very good. A young boy walked up and took the partially eaten fruit from Jack..
Four of the leaders were women. They did not hide their approval or the way their eyes tracked up and down Jack’s body when he followed the Rathtar around the circle. Their ogling made Jack uncomfortable and he just knew that only their rules kept them from seducing him right there in front of everyone. One of the male leaders also looked wantonly at Jack. He just smiled as he took the fruit from the Rathtar and tried not to make eye contact.
After Jack ate the bites of fruit he was required to eat, a young boy brought a wet towel to both Jack and the Rathtar. They wiped their faces off and returned the towel to the young boy.
The Rathtar raised his hands above his head and motioned for Jack to do the same. Then he clapped his hands once above his head. Jack did the same. The 15 tribal leaders walked out of the circle of trees. The ceremony was done.
Two hours later SG-1 joined in the communal meal. The food was arguably good. Daniel noticed that Jack kept adjusting his butt as he sat at the table. Sam watched Jack lower his hand below the table a few times as they ate. Neither said anything during the meal with the tribes.
When the meal was completed, they returned to their allotted hut. Daniel was trying to read by lantern, Carter had rolled out her bedroll and was stretched out to one side, and Teal’c was kelnoreeming in a corner albeit without candles.
Jack knew for sure by then the fruit hadn’t been drugged. In fact, the thought only briefly shot across his mind. He had a bigger problem than drugged fruit. He went to a corner of their hut. He faced away from the others and undid his pants, He pulled the front down a little bit.
“Dammit,” he whispered. He quickly turned to make sure no one saw or heard him.
His skin had reacted to the vine like it was some kind of poison ivy. The burning itch went all the way around to his ass crack. He didn’t want to dig at it with his fingernails with Carter there, so he wiggled his boxers up like a wedgie, and used the roughness of the BDU pants to itch his butt crack, cheeks, hips, and back of his legs against the edge of the wall of the hut. It wasn’t long before the itch spread from his perineum to his balls, his penis and across his lower abdomen. He tried rubbing his hand nonchalantly across the front of his pants, but it only made it worse.
“Sir, is something wrong?” Sam asked. She knew Jack was in some kind of discomfort from the way he was wiggling around against the wall, and those hand-passes across his front just confirmed her suspicion.
“Yes, there is.” Jack said, exasperated. He levered himself off the wall and went to stand by Daniel.
“Daniel, what was that vine?”
“Why?” Daniel asked in return.
"Because I think it might be poison ivy or something. I’m dying here, Danny boy,” he growled, giving up and scratching his ass with determination through the fabric of his pants.
Daniel looked up, his blue eyes owlish through his glasses, which he pushed up.
”Jack, can it wait? I’ve found an interesting correlation between the natives of..Whoa!” He yelled when Jack pushed his pants down in the back for all of them to see his reddened backside.
“No, Daniel, it can’t. Dammit.” He scratched at his front with one hand as he held onto his pants with the other.
“Carter, do you have some kind of ointment in the medical kit?” He scratched his balls as she dug in the backpack for the kit. “Daniel, go get a sample of that vine. We’re heading home. T, go with him and make sure he doesn’t get lost or tied to a tree or something.”
Sam found the ointment and handed it to him as Daniel and Teal’c left to find the Rathtar.
“Sir, I, uh.”
“Just go outside, Carter. I’ll call you back when I’m done.”
Sam bit her lips and went out, but she stood near the door to be sure she could hear if he called. She tried not to imagine spreading the ointment for him, across his ass, around his sides, on his…. She winced as the air turned blue. She turned around as she heard a string of words coming from the hut. The Colonel knew how to swear in several languages.
Inside the hut, Jack unbuttoned his pants and slipped them down with his boxer briefs. He took a deep breath then looked down at his burning itchy body.
Sam couldn’t help herself. She peeked into the hut and had a direct view of the back side of the Colonel. Her eyes went wide as she focused on his body. He had tiny dots of red covering the backs of his thighs, ass, and lower back. Almost like fire ant bites. But hundreds of bites. There was an undertone of green on his skin, presumably where the vine touched him. If this were not so serious, she’d swear he was a Christmas tree. She could only imagine his front.
“Oh my god, um, sir, that is not good,” she started to say.
“No shit, Sherlock,” he yelled back at her.
Since he didn’t tell her to turn around or leave, she took a step into the hut and watched him smear the last of the ointment on his body. He pulled his pants back up, but didn’t fasten them up. He looked desperately at Carter.
“I’m sorry, Carter,” he said softly, but with an urgency in his voice, “but this is not working,” he said, closing his eyes as if he were in pain.
“Let me go get someone, sir,” she said, turning to leave their hut.
As she grabbed her jacket, Daniel and Teal’c came rushing back in.
“Jack, we have the tribal healers with us. They knew exactly what happened. They have a salve for you,” Daniel said.
Jack looked desperately as three women and one man entered their hut.
“Good. Give it to me, please,” Jack said, holding out one hand.
The man who entered looked around at everyone, and nodded at the three ladies with him.
“You must undergo the cleansing ceremony. You will lay here,” the man said, pointing to a bed in the hut, “and your friends will stand on the opposite side. My three apprentices will perform the ceremony,” the man said.
“What is your name?” Jack asked the man.
“My name is Three Sheets. I am this town’s healer,” he said.
“Well, Three Sheets, I swear with every fiber of my being that none of you are touching my junk. Just give me the salve and I’ll do it,” Jack said emphatically.
“Jack, I think...” Daniel tried to say.
“Not now, Daniel!” Jack yelled.
Three Sheets looked between the two men, then focused on Jack.
“I’m sorry. I cannot allow you to do this alone. The women, Yellow Dove, Frog Smiles, and Biting Buffalo,” each bowed their head as their name was called, “will be bestowed as healers for their tribes after this ceremony. The ceremony must happen or they will not become healer-leaders of their tribes. I must observe,” Three Sheets said.
“Jack,” Daniel started.
“Daniel,” Jack warningly replied, giving Daniel a death stare, and scratching his balls over his pants.
“Jack, if our medicine is not working, let them try theirs,” Daniel pleaded.
“Sir, he is right,” Sam said.
“Carter, you are not going to stand there and watch them do that with my,” he said, taking his hand and scratching the front of his stomach down to his balls.
Sam held back a smile, knowing she really did not want to see his front side if it looked like his back side. She couldn’t imagine what he was going through.
Jack looked at Daniel. He looked at Three Sheets. He looked at the three almost-healers, whose names he could not even remember. He looked past Sam to Teal’c. Teal’c stared at him and gave him the slightest of nods. Jack understood. It would be rude to refuse treatment.
“Fine. Carter,” Jack said, hoping she understood.
She complied and turned around with her back to the bed.
Yellow Dove, Frog Smiles, and Biting Buffalo surrounded Jack. They asked him to strip out of his pants and lie on the bed on his stomach.
Jack glared at Daniel and Teal’c.
“Not a word of this to anyone, you got that?” he asked forcefully.
Daniel raised his hands in surrender and mouthed ‘not a chance’. Teal’c seemed to have held back an actual smile and nodded his head.
Jack stripped out of his pants and boxers and laid in the bed half naked. Yellow Dove, Frog Smiles, and Biting Buffalo stood along one side of the bed and joined hands. They began with a ritual chant. Then one of them turned to grab a clay jar they had brought with them.
They removed the lid from the jar. The scent of fruit filled the hut. Sam was tempted to turn around, but wanted to respect the Colonel’s wishes.
“Smells like mango,” she said.
Jack spun his head to make sure she was still facing the wall. She was.
The ladies each took a flat wooden stick and dipped it into the jar. They scooped out some of the salve and began spreading it on Jack’s backside. Where he felt the salve hit his hot skin, it immediately stopped itching. He felt them move their sticks down from his lower back to his hips. Then he felt them begin on his ass cheeks. Once they were done, he felt one of them put the stick between his crack and held his cheeks open. He clenched up when he felt that.
“Oh, hey now, what are you doing?” he asked, almost rolling over to get the flat stick out of his ass.
“It is OK,” one of the ladies said. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “We are using our sacred wooden junta. If you wish, we could use our hands,” one of them said.
“No! No,” Jack exclaimed, “the sacred Jenga wood is OK. It just surprised me,” he said.
It occurred to him that they’d be repeating this on his other side. He grumbled loudly and let them continue.
The women finished putting the mango-scented salve on his back side and in his crack.
“Now we must let this dry before we ask you to roll over. It should not take long,” one of them said.
“How do you feel?” another asked.
“Oh, uh, the back feels good. My front hurts and itches like nuts,” he said. Sam laughed, and Daniel elbowed her.
About ten minutes later, one of the women healers began touching Jack’s lower back and ass cheeks. She nodded to the others, and they also began touching him.
“Um, ladies, what’s going on?” he asked, craning his head around to try to see what they were doing.
“We are testing to see if the salve is dry. It is dry. We will require you to turn over now.”
Jack got up on his elbows and looked at Daniel. Daniel was staring at Jack’s ass.
“What, Daniel?” Jack asked.
“Well, um,” he began, crossing his arms in front of him.
“Well, what?” Jack barked.
“It, um, turned blue,” Daniel said, trying to hold back his laughter. Carter was still turned around, and Teal’c was standing almost at attention, staring at the wall opposite him. They all heard Sam laugh.
“Blue balls?” they heard her ask in a whisper. Daniel nodded his head at her.
“Funny, Carter. Real funny,” Jack said.
Jack rolled over. He noticed his lower back, hips, and ass no longer itched. He reached a hand to scratch his balls. One of the ladies grabbed his wrist to stop him.
“You may not scratch. We will take care of this,” she said.
Jack could hear Sam and Daniel laugh. Jack took his hand and hit Daniel in the back, which made Daniel turn around. His eyes immediately traveled to Jack’s genitals. Daniel’s eyes went wide.
“Oh my god, Jack! I had no idea it was that bad!” Daniel exclaimed.
Always being the concerned one, Sam turned around at Daniel’s words. Her eyes also went wide, and her hands both went to her mouth. What she saw stunned her. Jack also had the red welts all over his front side, including his penis. She couldn’t help but to stare.
It took a few seconds, but Jack finally noticed her staring at his dick.
“Carter!” he yelled, which snapped her out of her trance.
“Oh. Sorry, sir, I’ll just, you know, I’ll turn back this way,” she stammered.
“Ya, you do that,” Jack replied.
Sam turned around and stifled a laugh. Daniel elbowed her again. Teal’c just stared straight ahead.
“Stop it,” Daniel mouthed to her. They were like two little kids seeing a penis for the first time.
“OK, everyone, we do need to continue the ceremony. May we continue?” Three Sheets asked.
“Yes, sorry,” and a “please, yes, sorry,” were spoken at the same time by Sam and Daniel.
The three healers reached for three new sticks of junta. They began putting the salve on his lower abdomen, sides of his hips, and upper thighs.
“Now we will need you to spread your legs,” one of them said.
Sam immediately got a hot flash just thinking about the Colonel spread eagle and naked. She heard the material under him move as he opened his legs for the three healers. She smiled to herself. Then she remembered the rash and cringed.
The ladies moved quickly to cover his inner thighs. They all stood up and looked to Three Sheets. He nodded his head to all three.
“Colonel Jack. Now we will have to touch your body to finish the ceremony. One of us will touch your intimacy and lift it. Another will apply the salve. Then we will move to touch your two round sections. We must lift and separate to apply. We wanted you to know before we begin,” one of them said.
Jack lifted his head a little bit to look at all three of them.
“OK, thanks for the...hey now! Whoa! That was quick!” Jack yelled as he felt a hand on his penis.
As warned, one lifted, the other applied. To Jack’s surprise, or horror, the application was being done by hand, not by the wooden Jenga stick. He rolled his head back into the pillow below him and closed his eyes and held his breath.
He felt his penis lift. It was covered in the salve as one lady held it up gently by its tip. He felt a hand cover his penis with their fist, making sure to apply the salve to every inch and crevice of his flaccid member. Surprisingly, it already felt better, and not due to a woman touching him.
He felt a hand reach low between his legs, and carefully held his balls. He was lifted, separated, and covered in the mango-scented salve. One lady reached between his legs to apply the salve all the way to his perineum. He had to laugh to himself. Had he not been in so much pain, he’d be hard as a rock right now.
The salve was already starting to dry. When they were done applying the salve to Jack’s genitals, they looked at Three Sheets. He smiled at them, and nodded his head. One of them reached down and lifted Jack’s balls up a little bit.
“What the hell?” Jack exclaimed.
“We must give the salve air to breathe and dry,” Three Sheets said.
Jack heard Sam and Daniel laugh again.
“Carter, Daniel,” Jack said with a warning.
“Still not looking, sir,” Sam said, trying to not smile or laugh.
“Uh, looks blue,” Daniel said.
“Not helping Daniel!”
“Sorry,” Daniel replied.
The three ladies left the room.
Jack looked at Three Sheets.
“OK, now what?” Jack asked.
“Once you are dry, they will return with warm, wet towels to wash and dry you off,” Three Sheets said.
“Great,” Jack sighed.
A few minutes later the ladies returned. One had a rather large pot of water, the other two brought towels. They set the towels and pot down, and looked at Three Sheets. He nodded again at the three of them.
Daniel took a moment to look from the three healers to Jack. His eyes wandered, and found the salve did dry in a blue color. Jack had blue balls.
“Great. Alright. Can we finish this? Please?” Jack begged Three Sheets.
The three healers began. One took a towel and soaked it in the pot of warm water. She wrung it out a little bit. She lifted the towel over Jack’s body and wrung it some more. Water dripped from the towel onto Jack. Another one of the ladies swirled the water where it had dropped with her hand, which softened the salve. She wiped the softened salve into the towel, and discarded the towel.
The third lady wiped up what remained of the softened salve. Jack realized they would repeat this for all of his blue areas. All of them. The women did repeat the washing ceremony on his front areas. Then they had to get the salve off of his penis and scrotum.
Jack closed his eyes and concentrated on something other than the attention being given to his penis. He felt the water drops sprinkle down. He felt hands gently touch and lift him. He felt more water drops, and more hands on his scrotum. He was all dried off on the front.
One of them asked him to roll back onto his stomach.
Once on his stomach he felt the water drops falling on his lower back and ass cheeks. He imagined Carter doing this to him. When he realized what he was thinking about, his eyes quickly opened, and he clenched his jaw trying to get the thought out of his mind. He began humming.
When Daniel and Sam heard him humming, they looked at each other questioningly.
“MacGyver, sir?” Sam asked, turning her head back to the wall.
“Hmm? Sure, I guess, why?” he asked.
“You only hum MacGyver when you are worried, or,” Daniel said.
“I’m fine. Are we done yet?” Jack quickly cut in.
“You are almost done,” Three Sheets said.
The ladies finished drying him off. One of them separated his cheeks, and got the towel between. Jack flinched and grabbed the towel from the lady.
“We’re done,” he said, rolling off the bed to finish drying himself off.
He noticed all of the red welts were gone, and he no longer itched. But he was still blue.
He went to grab his boxers and pants to put back on. Three Sheets stopped him.
“Oh no, no. You cannot put those back on,” he told Jack.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Quite simple, really. The resin from the vine may still be in the material. You could break out again if you were to put those items back on your body,” Three Sheets explained.
“What the hell am I supposed to wear?”
“We have brought you pants that you may wear home,” Three Sheets said, reaching for the pile of towels. He found a pair of light linen drawstring pants. He handed them to Jack.
Jack thought about underwear. He covered himself with a dry towel.
“OK, thank you for everything. By the time I am dressed it will be time for us to return to our home. Thank you all. This did help and I feel much better,” Jack told Three Sheets.
The three ladies bowed their heads and left the hut.
“We will leave you be. We are glad to have helped. Please take the clay jar with you. If you have a need for the healing salve, you will have it with you,” Three Sheets said.
“Thank you, Three Sheets. I appreciate that,” Jack said.
Daniel and Teal’c said goodbye. Sam said goodbye, still facing the wall. Three Sheets left the hut.
Jack put the linen pants on.
“Alright, Carter. I’m decent,” Jack said.
“You know, if we can replicate this salve, this could really be a game changer on Earth,” Daniel said, lifting the clay jar and putting it into his backpack.
“Ya, that stuff is pretty amazing, blue balls and all,” Jack said, making light of the situation.
The four of them began moving around the hut packing stuff up for the return trip to Earth.
Jack was a bit uncomfortable walking around. The linen pants were very loose, allowing him to swing to the left and to the right. It was starting to chafe. He didn’t like that.
“Carter, turn around again. I need to put my boxers on,” he said.
“Sir, he said not to put your clothes on due to the possibility of the resin from the ivy,” she said.
“We have the salve. I can reapply when I get home,” Jack said.
“What three women will you get to apply it?” Daniel asked with a laugh.
“Funny. C’mon. I want to go home,” Jack said.
“Sir, you could get the rash all over again. Is it worth it?” she asked.
“What do you recommend, Carter? I could turn them inside out,” he said.
Carter looked to Daniel. She felt herself blush as a thought occurred to her.
“I have an idea,” she said softly.
“Alright. Let’s hear it,” Jack said
“You can um,” she started and stopped, glancing at Teal’c this time. She paused.
“What, Carter? I want to go home.”
“Mine. You can wear a clean pair of mine,” she said, almost too soft to hear.
Daniel choked. Teal’c raised an eyebrow. Jack stared at her.
“What did you say?” Jack said.
She got nervous and turned away to pack her back.
“Never mind. Let’s just go,” she said quickly.
She knew they had about a two mile walk, maybe a little less. There’s no way he could swing in the wind and not get chafed. It was a good idea..
He knew he would get badly chafed on his already tender skin if he didn’t hold himself together for the walk. He thought of her offer. He stood and stared at her as she packed her things. Daniel and Teal’c watched him watching her, knowing he was thinking it over.
“I don’t have a clean pair,” Daniel said.
They all knew Teal’c wore an XXL pair, or none at all. It was not uncommon for the Jaffa to go commando.
“Alright. I’ll try it,” Jack said quietly.
Sam turned to face him. She was flushed with embarrassment, but knew it would help.
“I, uh, think that the satin would feel better against your sensitive skin than even that soft linen,” she said, turning to her bag to grab a pair of her panties.
She was beet red when she turned around to hand him a pair of her delicates. They were dark blue satin. Jack stared at her for a moment before reaching out to take the panties in his hand.
“Thanks, Carter. And not a word of this to anyone. Ever. You all got that?” Jack said to them all.
Sam and Daniel looked at each other. Carter giggled as she slowly turned around again, glancing down at the Colonel’s predicament. Daniel rolled his eyes at her. Teal’c bowed his head to Jack.
Jack held Carter’s panties in his hands and began massaging the fabric between his fingers and thumb. He liked the feel of it. It would feel better against his skin.
“Carter, don’t turn around,” Jack said softly.
He took off the linen pants and reached out to put them on the bed. He put on Carter’s underwear. They were very tight on him. He took a step towards the bed to grab the pants, and he fell out of the left side of her panties. He looked down at his situation. Walking like this for almost two miles would be very uncomfortable. He tried pushing himself back in. He reached for the pants again, then time he tumbled out of the right side. He let his head fall back and inhaled deeply.
“Problem, sir?” Carter asked, still with her back facing him.
“Ya, Carter. I have a problem,” he said.
Then they heard from the stoic voice of Teal’c.
“You should wear them backwards, O’Neill,” he said.
All three of them looked at Teal’c, Jack quickly covered himself with his hands. He thought about it.
“Ya, OK, T. Good idea. Carter,” he said, reminding her to keep her back to him.
“No problem, sir,” she said, turning around with a small laugh again.
“Oy, I’m never living this down, am I?” Jack asked.
“No,” “Never,” “Not a chance,” he heard in unison.
Jack took the panties off and put them on backwards. What was the front was now in the back, and it rode up his ass crack like a G-string. But, his manhood was all packed away nicely in the back end of Carter’s panties.
He reached for the linen pants again, and nothing moved. He stayed nicely tucked inside the blue satin panties. He put the pants on and took a few steps around.
“Hey, this will work. Thanks, Carter!” he happily exclaimed.
She turned around to find him smiling with his arms out to the side like he’s showing off new clothes. She smiled at him.
“Glad I could help, sir. I’ll be waiting outside,” she said, and left the hut.
Jack got his boots on and packed the rest of his bag up. He was the last one ready and out the door. Daniel made sure to pack the clay jar.
He exited the hut and found his three friends waiting for him.
“Alright, let’s go home,” he said.
As they walked out of town, they passed Three Sheets. They thanked him and his tribe for everything. The walk back to the Stargate was uneventful.
“Dial her up, Daniel,” Jack said.
“How are you feeling, sir?” Carter asked while they waited.
“You know, not bad at all, Carter. And thank you,” he said to her.
“You are welcome, sir,” she replied with a smile.
“I do have to admit,” he said, then stopped, staring at the Stargate in front of them.
Carter turned to stare at him.
“What?” she asked as the wormhole engaged.
“I’ve always wanted to get into your pants,” he said, quickly walking up the steps to the Stargate.
He left her standing there with a look of surprise on her face, and a lump of desire in her belly. She walked up the steps with Teal’c and then they walked through the Stargate together.
On the other side, Hammond welcomed them home.
“New uniform, Colonel?” he asked Jack.
“Long story, sir,” he replied.
“Then I look forward to your report. You four get to medical then go home and I don’t want to see your faces for three days. Dismissed,” Hammond said.
“Yes sir,” he heard from all four of them.
Jack’s trip to medical was quite the spectacle.
“You what?” Janet asked.
“You heard me. We brought back the salve they used. Really, I’m fine now. Can I just go home? Please?” Jack asked, trying to look cute so Doc Fraiser would release him.
“Colonel, you know I can’t do that. Now off with them. I’ll close you in while you get ready,” Janet said, closing the drape around his exam bed.
“Daniel, can you go grab my bag out of my locker? I have a change of clothes in there,” Jack asked.
“Sure. Am I done, Doc?” Daniel asked.
“Yes, you, Sam, and Teal’c are free to go,” she said.
Sam and Daniel said goodbye to Jack, Janet, and Teal’c. Sam went straight to change and go home. Daniel grabbed Jack’s bag and brought it to him before going home.
“Sir, you are blue,” Daniel heard Janet say through the curtain.
“Yes, it’s the mango lotion stuff we got from the tribe,” Jack said.
“Blue ass, blue balls,” Daniel whispered as he put the bag down, and quickly retreated.
“Knock it off, Daniel. I’m fine, Doc. Can I just please go home?” Jack begged.
“On one condition,” she said.
“Sure. Anything,” Jack begged.
“If you get so much as one red bump, you call me even if you put the blue mango stuff on your skin,” she said, staring him straight in the eyes. She can be quite intimidating.
“Fine. Whatever. Can I get dressed now?” he asked.
“Yes, you may. Have a nice night, Colonel,” she said, walking out of his area, allowing him to get dressed.
Later that night, Jack sat back on his couch with a beer in his hand and the TV remote in the other hand. He had just found a Simpson’s marathon when he heard a knock at the door. He was surprised to see Carter on his doorstep.
“Carter. What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’d like my underwear back, Sir.”
“Hello, sir, how are you? How are you feeling? Is everything back to normal?” he chided.
Sam blushed and looked down to her clasped hands in front of her.
“Sorry, sir. How are you? Can I please have my underwear back?” she said with a nervous smile.
“You’re such a Grinch, Major, come on in” he said, noting the blush blooming from her neck to her face. He had another thought.
“Just why do you want them back? They were full of that mango stuff they put on my,” he motioned to his crotch with his empty hand as they walked down to his living room.
“Sir, they are mine,” she said earnestly, biting her lip and trying not to think about how his equipment had been gently encased like a caress by by her panties, the silky material sliding along his length and “oh shit,” she thought, hoping it wasn’t showing on her face.
“Ok, Major,” he sighed, thinking about her magnificent six and regretting not having her undies in his possession anymore. “I’ll wash them and bring them tomorrow.”
“Sir, they are delicates. I need to hand wash them. Please, just give them to me.”
She looked up at him through her eyelashes, opening her eyes wide.
He was drowning in pools of blue. He couldn’t help himself. He was a gonner.
“Alright,” he sighed, his hands reaching for the waistband of his sweats and starting to push downward. She realized he was still wearing them.
He was going to miss those blue silk panties. Mostly he was going to miss imagining Sam Carter wearing them and touching his skin. Yup. He’d been hoping she wouldn’t want those pretty panties back.
“Oh my god!” Sam gulped, her eyes wide. She knew she should turn away but just could not force her body to move, at least not anything but her eyes, which were following the downward movement of his hands.
His sweats slowly descended. She watched his blue skin slowly appear. As his hands reached her silken undies, his thumbs caught them and continued the descent. The cloth was just about to pop over his pubic bone and his enlarging penis when he stopped.
“Major, please turn around,” he said softly.
She didn’t move.
“Turn around?” he asked quietly, not taking his eyes off of her.
She slowly capitulated his wish and jerked her eyes away from his body. She could hear him stripping out of his clothes. She could hear when he pulled his pants back on.
“Alright, you can turn around again,” he said softly.
His voice traveled down her skin and settled in her belly. As she turned, his hand was outstretched towards her with her own panties in his hand. She looked first at her panties, then up to his eyes.
She could see he was trying to hold back a laugh, or something.
“OK. I’ll wash them tonight,” he said softly and gravely, pulling back his hand.
“Um, that’s OK. I’ll just take them home and wash them. Sir,” she said slowly.
She grabbed her panties from him and quickly balled them up in her hand. They walked back to his front door. He opened the door for her. She turned and smiled at him then looked out the door to her car.
“Thanks again,” she said with a quirky smile. She quickly walked out.
She opened her car and started it up. She still had her hand balled up. She lifted her hand to her nose, and inhaled. Her panties smelled like him mixed with mango. She closed her eyes and breathed in a few more times.
She opened her eyes and looked back at his house. The door was shut already. She knew what she wanted to do.
She dropped her panties on the passenger seat and turned the car off. She exited her car and walked back to his front door. She knocked.
It took him a few moments to answer the door. He was surprised to see her back at his door.
“Carter,” he said more than asked.
“I have another pair on. Want to see them?"