Work Text:
Adam can’t escape his insecurities whenever they hit him. He can’t escape the feelings of desperation, sadness, even fear as much as he wants to. They come and they go and they hit him like the tides of a stormy ocean hit the shore. Forcefully, unexpectedly, quickly. Without a warning. He has learned to control his feelings, process his emotions and overcome the negative thoughts. He falls apart. He starts again. He’s struggled but he’s learned to own himself. He has learned to own his own crazy.
He has found the one. He has finally found that one person he can be truly himself with, without pretending to be something or someone else. Sauli. Sauli. His name is as fascinating and charming as the man itself. Adam has opened up to him completely, opened up like the first buds of flowers open up in the spring. He can still remember the moment he fell in love; so madly, so headlessly, so recklessly in love. Those piercing blue eyes were looking at him with such passion and curiosity on that cold, winter night in Paris and at that moment, he was gone. He never thought he would feel that way again. He had shared all his deepest darkest secrets with him, showed him all his scars, told him the story of his life. The blonde had done the same; they had poured their hearts out so eagerly it had almost felt like that was the only thing they both had been wanting to do for so long. He had studied Sauli’s body during his first stay in LA; he knows every inch of Sauli’s body now, every curve and corner. The way his eyes squint when he laughs. The way he plays with his hair when he’s nervous. He knows him. Sometimes, when he’s wide awake in the last hours of the night, his mind and his heart restless, over-analyzing everything, he breathes in the comforting and familiar scent of his boyfriend, calms down and drifts off to sleep.
Raised, high-pitched voices. Ringing walls. Tears of anger in their eyes. They are both passionate about everything they do and fighting was not an exception. Adam has learned to control his feelings and process his emotions but sometimes he fails. And when he fails, he fails hard. Whether it’s the little things like a bad mood or a messy and uncleaned house that irritates them both or bigger problems that have been slowly growing inside them, Adam’s the one who hurts Sauli first. Sauli has his own insecurities but he never takes his frustrations out on Adam. He never insults him the way Adam does. Adam sometimes wonders if the language barrier is the reason that holds Sauli back from saying all the things he really wants to say but doesn’t know how to. But he doesn’t think so. Even through Sauli’s watered eyes Adam can see he never means any of the things he says. Why am I here, Sauli used to ask Adam in the beginning of their relationship when they grew closer yet didn’t know each other very well. Because I love you, because we both love each other so much we feel like we can’t even breathe without each other, Adam used to answer. They always sort it out. Their love was meant to be, they were meant to be. Happiness overcomes the difficulties and they surely have it: that crazy, intoxicating, ten feet above the ground happiness.
They had been fighting again. The process of releasing his new album and running from one place to another was wearing him out. Sauli was there for him but the crankiness in Adam had eventually caused him to snap at Sauli and so the quarrel was born. Adam had ended up sitting in an armchair by the window where he could catch the last remaining light of the sunset; so beautiful and peaceful that it almost took his breath away. He curled up into a ball in hopes of making himself look as small as possible. He had tried to ease the gnawing emotional pain that was slowly rising up in him by walking around the house before he had settled in the living room. Even the loud music that was pouring into his ears from the headphones failed to calm him down. He took them out and threw them on the floor. He compressed his lips firmly together and listened to the silent house. He knew Sauli had gone running after their argument, he always does that when things get tough. Running is what keeps him sane just like music keeps Adam sane. They had avoided each other’s eyes after Sauli’s return, like two little boys who had gotten into a silly little fight, neither of them wanting to be the first to say something. Sauli had locked himself in their bedroom and Adam had no idea what he was doing there. He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a frustrated sigh. He couldn’t stand the unbearable silence, couldn’t bear with it, so he made his way upstairs. Slow, hesitant footsteps. He put his hand on the doorknob and stepped in. It took him a few seconds before his eyes got used to the dim room. Sauli was asleep. He was sleeping on his back, his right arm outstretched on the side where Adam usually sleeps and his mouth was slightly open. His baby was asleep, probably exhausted after a day of pouting and silent treatment. Adam walked across the room and quietly sat on the bed, not wanting to wake him up. At times like this he couldn’t help but wonder how can he ever say such horrible things to him. How can he ever make him feel bad. Adam grabbed Sauli’s hand and caressed the smooth skin with his thumb. Sauli must’ve felt it in his sleep; he opened his eyes and slowly focused them on Adam. Adam was temporarily lost for words, astonished by the way Sauli was looking at him as he sat up. He searched for possible signs of anger but did not find any. Sometimes he just stops whatever he’s doing just to stare at him, like when Sauli’s head is on his lap during a home movie night or when they’re in a club and he kisses him senseless without giving the slightest damn about people who look at them with curious eyes.
“You know me.” He finally said, his voice barely audible.
“You know me.” Sauli repeated.
“I am who I am.”
“I am who I am.”
A gentle smile lingered on Sauli’s lips now. He put his finger under Adam’s chin and lifted his head, forcing Adam to look at him. Those eyes. He could just easily drown in them. Adam sighed and leaned his forehead against Sauli’s chest. He crawled into bed so childishly it made Sauli laugh. He curled into him as close as possible. Sauli curved his hand around Adam’s neck and tenderly pecked his lips. Again. And again. And again. Words would come later. There was nothing more Adam wanted to do than just lie in his boyfriend’s arms and feel his heart beat steadily against his own. He’s insecure. He has faults. He hurts and gets hurt. He’s scared. Scared of things that don’t make much sense to him but who isn’t? Sauli makes him stronger. He’s the blanket for his bones. He’s the place he calls home. He’s his significant other.