Work Text:
It could be said that the 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, Hu Tao, did a little trolling from time to time.
Life was too short to be uptight, she figured, though she wasn't sure if she could say the same for her consultant Zhongli. There were just too many things that didn't make sense about him: he had the face and body of a young man, yet he treated death with the same maturity as one who had no shortage of experience with it. Besides, Hu Tao thought she had conducted enough funerals to recognize someone who couldn't die.
From there, putting the pieces together was easy; it was not unlike their archon to walk among the common folk, and she was delighted at the opportunity to get to work so closely with him. For while Zhongli may have been Rex Lapis, Lord of Geo, she was the one who had final say in Wangsheng. And though he was beyond good at what he did, she knew he expected only to be treated as a mortal. Whatever his true reasons were for becoming the funeral parlor's consultant weren't hers to know. She put her trust in him, just as those in her family had put their trust into Rex Lapis in the past.
It was her job to tease him for being old-fashioned, to crack jokes at the most unexpected of times to get a reaction out of him, and to pretend she knew much less than she did about who he really was. It was like a game to her: to stretch the limits more and more, anything to get a reaction out of the reasonable consultant. Her usual pranking targets included Xingqiu, who had long since learned to give as good as he got, and Chongyun, for whom the novelty had worn off. Zhongli was interesting because unlike either of her friends, he was like a solid stone who scarcely reacted to her save for the slightest frown. But Hu Tao knew that even stone could be weathered down by the elements.
"Mister Zhongli, do you have any plans this weekend?" she asked him one evening on his way out of the funeral parlor, her eyes shining with enthusiasm. "Someone such as you can't have too much on his plate. You live in Qingce Village, don't you?"
When he looked at her, the effect was always profound: excited, nervous energy flashed through her, and her heart would beat a little faster. All it took was making eye contact with the god to remind her that with every word she tempted fate, and it was invigorating.
"Though it seems unwise to tell you as much, I live here in Liyue Harbor," he said, and oh, there was just the slightest note of irritation in his voice, and she grinned. "What made you think otherwise?"
She already knew where he lived - it was an opulent flat not far from Wangsheng, the kind of thing that was hard to miss. But that didn't stop her from following through with the joke: it was too easy.
"Oh, people there seem like they'd enjoy the same dusty things as you. Aren't they a bunch of lonely grandpas? I bet they'd love to hang out with an old soul like you."
He simply raised his eyebrows. "Perhaps I should go pay them a visit, then."
As he pushed open the door, she was on his heels, locking the entrance behind her. "Aha! So you didn't have plans after all. Stop by Wuwang Hill on the way back, won't you? Maybe you'll find our next new client!" She wiggled her eyebrows up and down, grinning at him in a way that showed all her teeth. "Actually, don't forget to mention our services to the old folk at Qingce either, while you drink tea and discuss artisan furniture and stuff like that."
"Forgive me," Zhongli said with a slight grimace as he stepped away. "I'm afraid I don't have the same flair for... marketing as you do." She pouted, and he continued, "And besides, I do have places to be at the moment. Have a nice weekend, Director Hu."
The man set off towards Chihu Rock, the sunset casting his figure in a golden glow, and Hu Tao realized her heart was still beating fast.
There was something within her desperate to see the Lord of Rock crack.
To her utmost glee, Zhongli did end up leaving Liyue Harbor early the next morning. Given that he was headed in the direction of Qingce Village, it was likely that he had taken at least part of her suggestion seriously. With this in mind, she devised a plan.
It took the good part of a day to travel from Liyue Harbor to Qingce Village, so Zhongli would have to depart on Sunday in order to return in time for work. She carefully considered the options, then dragged Xingqiu along with her to Wuwang Hill in the middle of the night.
Within hours, they saw him passing over a nearby ridge, and the plan was set into action. Hu Tao set her spear aflame, dashing with a burst of energy into their chosen settlement of hilichurls, while Xingqiu stayed back, carefully hidden in the shadows. For Hu Tao, small enemies like this were a piece of cake, so she took her time putting on as spectacular a show as she could.
It was enough to attract Zhongli's attention, according to Xingqiu's silent signal. Mustering up her will, she approached the biggest looking mitachurl in the clearing, only to take a hit from its shield that hopefully looked worse than it actually felt. She scrambled to pick up her staff and get up before worse could happen, hearing quick footsteps behind her that could have been another hilichurl.
"Stabilize," a familiar voice said, and within an instant, a glimmering gold shield had erupted around her. She finally stumbled to her feet, whirling around in excitement to see Zhongli holding out his palms with a focused expression.
"Zhongli?" she said, allowing some of the true awe she felt to color her voice, and he looked at her calmly.
"Don't panic."
She just grinned. "But I fight best when I panic!"
To her surprise, she thought she saw him smile back. It only took them a few moments to clear out the remaining hilichurls - they really didn't pose much of a threat - and Hu Tao wondered why adrenaline was racing through her anyways.
"Zhongli! You took my advice after all," she said as he stowed his spear away. "It's so delightful to see you here beneath the moonlight."
"You really ought to be more careful," Zhongli said, looking over her critically. "If you got seriously injured, you'd be in real danger."
"It's lucky you were around, then!" She winked, knowing full well that he must be aware their meeting was no coincidence. "You're welcome to join me in the future, too. It's the most fun when you do it in the middle of the night like this, isn't it?"
He narrowed his eyes at her, and she knew the innuendo hadn't flown over his head. With a spark of confidence, she added, "But if you think I ought to stay safe inside—"
A high-pitched shriek startled them both, and they spun around to see a short, dark figure in a hilichurl mask charging towards them. "Tiga celi yaya!" he yelled, swinging a torch above his head. "Beru si! Yeye kundala dala!"
Zhongli had his spear out in a flash, reflexively forming another shield between them and the attacker, but as the figure grew closer his grip slackened. "Who..." he murmured, squinting into the darkness. The "hilichurl", who had been sprinting at top speed, had to stop and catch his breath a few meters away from them, and Hu Tao doubled over in laughter.
"Hahaha! You really looked just like a hilichurl! That was perfect," she wheezed. Xingqiu took off the broken mask, grinning.
"From you, I'll take it as a compliment," he said with a bow, and Zhongli shook his head.
The journey back was lighthearted, with Hu Tao and Xingqiu swapping poetry lines and jokes along the way, and Zhongli occasionally entertaining them with bits of history. It gave Hu Tao the shivers to think about how much Zhongli had lived through, and she couldn't stop staring at him. The gentle sway of his dark hair, the way he composed himself, and the modest manner in which he would offer information... it all made her wonder what kind of powerful secrets he was hiding, and what the true Rex Lapis was like behind his human form.
It was with renewed vigor that Hu Tao decided she had to prank him again the next time they were at the funeral parlor. But for once, her plan backfired spectacularly.
Admittedly, hiding in a coffin to scare him was not exactly the most inventive of pranks. But Hu Tao, who was running on a less-than-ideal amount of sleep, thought it would at least get a reaction out of him, which she always yearned to see. With this in mind, she closed the coffin's lid over her head, propping it up only slightly to allow a sliver of light in.
The next thing she knew, the warm light of the funeral parlor was flooding back in, and a blurry figure was looking down at her. With a sinking heart, she realized what happened - and who the person was.
"Aiya," she muttered, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. "That wasn't supposed to happen..."
"You didn't mean to fall asleep?" Zhongli leaned back. "I gather you were intending to scare me, then."
"Well..." She half-smiled guiltily, looking up to meet his eyes. "Did it work?"
He assessed her for a moment. "Perhaps not in the way you intended. Director Hu, please go and get some sleep. I will take over your duties for the rest of the day."
"Mister Zhongli..." Hu Tao stared at him in disbelief. After all the times she had made fun of him and tried to prank him, he still treated her with such kindness? Perhaps such things really did bounce off him, like the attacks of a hilichurl against his shield. She knew then that there could never be a person as exceptional as her Rex Lapis.
"Go on. It's nearly the end of the day, anyways." He offered her his hand and pulled her out of the coffin, and she only let go to smooth down her clothes. She didn't know why, but something about what he'd said made her feel unusually flustered.
"Why do I feel like suddenly you're the one in charge here instead?" she joked, trying to draw attention from her red face. Zhongli smiled.
"You may end our business contract if you feel I'm overstepping my boundaries."
She pretended to gasp. "Never! Sorry, mister, you're not allowed to leave. Who else would keep me entertained all day?"
After he had shooed her out, Hu Tao considered how closely she should follow his instructions. She could always sleep in her house, of course, but that was on the other side of town and slightly out of the way. It was quite hot outside, and she wasn't used to making the walk in the middle of the day. Surely Zhongli wouldn't mind if she opted for somewhere closer? His central-Liyue Harbor apartment seemed perfectly suitable, and she had heard it had an elevator.
Once Hu Tao located it, she was sure it was his. A Geo ward was affixed to the door, no doubt for keeping out intruders and preventing people from discovering his secret. This was no matter for her. All it took was a running start, and she phased through the wall in a flutter of butterflies.
As the God of Commerce, Hu Tao wasn't surprised that Zhongli owned such an upscale apartment in the most expensive part of town. If anyone could afford such a thing, he could. She allowed herself to take in the perfectly balanced interior design, the intricate ornaments and trinkets lining his shelves, and the books in languages Hu Tao didn't even recognize. The fireplace was lit, with a Geo construct keeping it contained. It was hard not to get distracted on her way to finding the bedroom.
To her relief, Zhongli didn't sleep on a giant rock or anything - it was just a normal bed. He had even made it before going to work that morning, apparently. She tugged off her work clothes, folding them neatly and setting them on the floor, and crawled over to the middle of the bed. The fairytale from Mondstadt came to mind, in which a girl visited the hut of a family of hilichurls and tried out all their things. For Hu Tao, Zhongli's bed was just right: soft and warm, with the scent of him on his pillows. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep again.
Waking up to him wasn't a surprise this time. As she slowly came to, she felt a hand rubbing her shoulder and saw dark clothing near her face, and she couldn't help but smile.
"Hu Tao."
"I'm sorry, Mister Zhongli," she murmured, though she didn't think he would believe her. "I was too tired to walk back to my own bed."
"So you broke into my home instead," he said, incredulous.
"Don't worry. I already knew your secret," she admitted. "You're too dusty for me not to notice who you really are."
Zhongli sighed. "I suspected as much." His hand stilled. "Though it... doesn't excuse what you did."
Hu Tao finally sat up, though without being covered by his quilt, she felt conspicuous in only her underwear. "Did I break a contract?" she teased, poking him. "Do I have to suffer the 'Wrath of the Rock'?"
He looked at her, raising his eyebrows, and a chill went through her.
She was in his bed, nearly undressed, after doing everything in her power to provoke him over the last few months.
Oh, fuck.
In a swift movement, he was on top of her, his weight pinning her down and his eyes dark. "I think you know what the answer to that is," he said, his voice a low rumble, and she smirked.
"Do your worst, old man."
He wasted no time flipping her over onto her stomach so that he could unclasp her bra, and she let out a little gasp. This was the Zhongli she had been waiting for, the one he'd been holding back for so long. She turned around again and eagerly pulled him down for a kiss, savoring the first taste of his lips, until he drew away.
"You're one of the least subtle people I've ever known," he murmured.
"Never tried to be!"
"Hm." He chuckled. "It's quite refreshing, I'll give you that. But it's funny - I had the impression you liked it when I was in charge."
As he said this, his fingers found her panties, and he began to caress her just firmly enough to tease. Hu Tao's mouth opened in surprise.
"Not wrong," she said, softer this time.
"Good. I also like that." His amber eyes seemed to glow as he took her in. "It will be nice to be in charge with you for a change."
The emphasis on you gave her butterflies in her stomach, a reminder of everything she'd done to land herself here. The way he was looking at her made Hu Tao feel more vulnerable and weak than she ever had before, and it was that which turned her on even more.
He stopped touching her only to pull off his coat and vest, then his shirt. "How can you stand wearing so many layers?" she complained, though she made no effort to hide the way she was staring at his bare chest. As a god, she figured he had simply chosen an ideal form, and it showed.
"Have some patience, for once," he chided her. "You're going to need it."
"Huh?"
But her confusion evaporated when he removed his pants and she caught a glimpse of his size. Perhaps gods choosing their own human form was a mistake after all.
"Th-that's so..." She reached out to touch it, but he gently pushed her back into the pillow.
"Like I said. Patience."
Hu Tao nodded, and allowed him to finally remove her panties. From there, he began the slow process of stretching her out, one finger at a time, while switching between rubbing her clit and holding her down when she became too antsy. She took the first three without complaints, but when Zhongli slipped a fourth finger in, she'd had enough.
"Come on, just put it in already!" she insisted, wriggling under him, and he frowned.
"If you're sure. It may be tight."
"I'm sure, I'm sure!"
He gave her an unreadable look before finally releasing his cock, and she couldn't help but stare at it again. It was thick and heavy, and as if it contained the element of Geo, it seemed to glow a faint gold along the veins. Not to mention it was much bigger than anything she'd ever had inside her.
Zhongli glanced at her. "Still sure?" he asked darkly.
She nodded quickly, unable to look away, and he moved to hover over her again.
"Hold still, then."
With one hand propping him up and another guiding him in, he slowly pushed the tip inside her. Wet as she was, it was much bigger than she could have prepared for, and she clenched around it, trying to acclimate to the feeling.
"Relax," Zhongli intoned, his own brow furrowed with concentration. Before she could say another word, he rocked forward, filling her up completely and drawing a choked whimper from her.
Neither moved for a moment. Hu Tao was overwhelmingly full, stretched open to accept the god within her, and his to do what he liked with. Her heart pounded as she looked up at him.
"...Well? Is that all you got?"
The words had come from her before she had even thought them over, and Zhongli opened his eyes. An odd smile crossed his face, different from the satisfied look he'd been wearing a moment before. Wordlessly, he pulled nearly all the way out, then snapped his hips forward.
"A-ah!" Hu Tao grinned back, "That's more—ah—Zhongli!"
He had pinned her wrists under his hand, pressing her into the mattress as he thrust into her.
"You—ah—have some nerve," he whispered, leaning down next to her ear again.
Overcome, she turned her head to stifle her moan in her arm. The entire bed shook as he picked up speed, pounding into her at a relentless pace.
"Does it feel good? Is this what you wanted?" Zhongli's hand tightened around her wrists. Unable to form a reply, she just nodded vigorously. Everything was too overwhelming.
"H-harder, Zhongli, it feels so amazing," she breathed. His eyes flashed with pleasure and his hips stuttered for only a second before he obliged.
"Good. I want you to come undone," he said in a low voice. "Don't hold back."
The words made her cheeks heat, but she was delighted that he was on the exact same wavelength as her. Her eyes fluttering shut, she let herself get lost in the feeling of his cock and the little sounds of pleasure he was letting out. To hear how much he was enjoying it, too...
Hu Tao pulled her hand from above her head - his grip had loosened somewhere along the way - and reached down to touch herself, her fingers barely fitting between their bodies. Zhongli's head bent as she clenched around him; his hair brushed the sides of her face. He was close enough for her to see even the golden tips of his eyelashes.
"I - I'm going to come," she warned him. It was a little too late for it to be useful: the orgasm was already overtaking her before he could properly respond. To her utter delight, though, Zhongli continued to pound away at her throughout the entirety of it, even once she had finished. He might as well have not heard her, though she was squeezing around him harder than ever.
"F-fuck," she managed as he pinned her hands back down, with so much ease he couldn't have thought twice about it. Everything was even more sensitive than before, and the feeling was delicious.
"My apologies. I'm not done with you yet." The words were matter-of-fact, but Hu Tao could see a particular sadistic glint in his eyes. "Though I'm glad to see you... enjoyed that so much."
"The things I'd say to you if you weren't Rex Lapis—" she gasped, and he chuckled.
"By all means, speak your mind." As he spoke, he slowed down slightly and shifted his hips, and she realized in an instant what he was doing.
"Zhongl—" Her voice cut off in a whimper as he thrust against that spot, hitting it over and over until her brain was fuzzy, everything but the sensation falling out of focus. "A-ah—"
"I thought so," he sighed fondly, and she flushed with heat. In her post-orgasmic haze, he looked more like a god than ever before. "You've been so... so good for me, my dearest." The gentle words surprised her, and he seemed distracted, almost as if he hadn't quite realized he'd said it. Hu Tao's heart thudded in her chest.
"I'm all yours," she whispered, and all of a sudden he was stuttering, pulsing as he released inside her with a rewarding groan. His hands collapsed around hers, and she grabbed at them instinctively, interlocking her black-nailed fingers with his. The stone statue had finally crumbled, she thought absurdly, and squeezed his hands as he slowed. It was a long moment before he opened his golden eyes and smiled at her.
"I apologize if that was... unexpected," he said, his voice a little raspier than usual. Hu Tao's own mind was spinning, still overwhelmed by everything he'd done to her, but she beamed up at him anyways.
"You're wonderful," she breathed, and his eyes widened right before she pulled him into another kiss. It only took a second for him to kiss her back, a slow, languid kiss between two people who had nowhere else to be.
Zhongli finally slid out of her when they broke the kiss, maneuvering to the spot next to her gracefully. The feeling of his cum slowly leaking out of her didn't escape her notice, but Hu Tao chose to ignore it and leaned over to face him instead.
"I knew you had a passionate side in you somewhere, but I didn't expect you to be a softie," she teased, and Zhongli averted his eyes.
"It should come as no surprise that I care a great deal for you."
Hu Tao thought about it. He did always have her back, no matter what she did. "I feel bad for teasing you now..." she admitted.
Zhongli gave her a shrewd look. "But?"
She grinned into his chest, letting his warmth surround her. "But I don't regret it at all."