Chapter Text
“We should invite them to do something with us,” Fuery said towards the end of the day, breaking the silence that had fallen over the office.
“Hmm?” Havoc didn’t bother looking at him. He was too busy staring at the ceiling, counting the number of tiles. His feet were propped up on the table and an unlit cigarette was hanging out of his mouth. He was up to two hundred and forty-three. Fuery’s statement made him lose track of where he was at. He shifted his eyes to the first tile at the left back corner of the room and started to count again.
He should be working on paperwork. There was a giant stack of it on his desk that had been mocking him since Hawkeye set it down nearly an hour ago. Seriously, where did that woman keep finding paperwork? It was like it materialized out of thin air simply because she wanted them all to suffer. He tried to work on it. He really did. The threat of Hawkeye shooting him was much too high.
No matter how hard he tried to focus and get it done, he couldn’t. It was Friday afternoon. The sun was shining. The weather was pleasant. The colonel was out of the office in a meeting which meant he didn’t have to listen to him slack off or Hawkeye cock her gun every ten seconds. In just three hours, he’d be off duty for the entire weekend. And it was going to be a nice weekend too! There was no intel about potential threats; no border conflicts to worry about; no drug rings that needed to be brought down this weekend. Nothing.
The paperwork would still be here Monday morning. There were no visiting generals scheduled for next week. No one was in the hospital or potentially dying. No rogue alchemists were running around being freaks of nature and destroying the city. This all meant he could finally enjoy his Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without having to worry about, or even think about, work. Trying to concentrate under these conditions was criminal!
His colleagues appeared to agree with his sentiments. He was pretty sure no one had gotten anything done for the better part of an hour. Breda stopped working not long after him and was currently stacking a bunch of office supplies on his desk to make a tower. Fuery was half-heartedly tinkering with a new radio he was building. Only Falman seemed to be at least trying to get some work done. Though, more often than not, Havoc would look over to see him staring blankly at the wall before blinking rapidly, shaking his head, and returning to his notes. He wondered if the bastard was secretly ‘reading’ in his head.
Hawkeye was still working, though. Hawkeye never stopped working. He was convinced that her lifeforce was directly connected to the number of hours that she worked. And if she let up for even a second, she’d get weak and eventually waste away. Despite her still dutifully filling out paperwork, she also hadn’t pulled a gun on any of them, which meant she was slacking off as well. Though, her version of slacking off still involved too much work in his opinion.
“Ed and Al,” Fuery clarified, once more pulling Havoc from his tile-counting. “We should invite them to do something with us. You know, some sort of office welcome? It’s been a while since we’ve gone out since work has been so hectic. We don’t have anything big coming up. We should kill two birds with one stone and invite them to do something with us this weekend.”
“Why would we do that?” Breda asked as he struggled to balance a stapler on several file folders.
“They’re going to be working with us. We should get to know them and vice versa. Since they’ve joined, I don’t think I’ve had a single conversation with them,” Fuery continued.
Havoc was vaguely aware that Hawkeye had stopped writing.
“Come on, Fuery,” Falman said, finally abandoning his own report. “You’ve seen those two. They hardly talk to anyone.”
Breda’s pile of office supplies came tumbling down and he finally abandoned his own unauthorized project. “Can you blame them? Ed’s only twelve. It can’t be that easy to find things in common with a bunch of people old enough to be their parents.”
“I’m not old enough to be their parent. And neither is Hawkeye,” Fuery added.
Havoc grimaced at the thought that he was now considered old enough to have a twelve-year-old. He wasn’t that old! Shit, did that mean he had grey hair? It didn’t matter. He wasn’t old enough to be anyone’s parent except for maybe a baby. Certainly not a kid Ed and Al's age.
“Thank you, Fuery,” Hawkeye said, still not scolding them for slacking off work.
That was a bit alarming. That meant that she approved of Fuery’s idea. And if she approved of his idea…
“Seriously, though,” he continued, “we’re a pretty tight-knit team and he’s only been here a week. Maybe the reason they’ve kept to themselves is that they’re nervous.”
This got Havoc to roll his eyes. There were a lot of words he’d use to describe Edward Elric. Nervous was not even at the bottom of the list. “Elric, nervous? Please, have you seen the kid? He cursed out the colonel yesterday. He threatened the Fuhrer during his state certification! I have the feeling that if he wanted to be around us, he’d be around us.”
“I’m still surprised he’s alive,” Falman said, shuddering. “I’m surprised the colonel’s alive as well. I thought for sure they’d both be arrested.”
That was true. For a few brief hours after the team heard what happened, they were all debating what to wear to Mustang’s funeral. Luckily, the Fuhrer seemed to have a good ‘sense of humor' about the whole thing a let it all slide. (If Havoc were being honest, there was something fishy going on and he didn’t like the idea that a kid was getting caught up in the middle of it).
“I don’t know,” Breda said, sounding thoughtful. “It might be a mask? The kid’s been thrown into the military and now he has to prove to everyone that he’s mature enough to handle it. He probably doesn’t trust any of us and is trying to act tougher than he is to make sure he gets taken seriously. I could see him being too nervous to open up around us.”
Fuery brightened. That man was like the damn sun sometimes. “It’s settled, then! We’ll take them out and do something tonight.”
“Tonight?” Havoc didn’t have any plans. To be honest, he hadn’t had any plans for the past several weeks. Working for an ambitious man who also had a habit of shunting tedious work on his subordinates wrecked his dating life.
However, just because he didn’t have any plans and was probably going to be sitting alone in the dorms with some Xingese takeout didn’t mean he wanted to spend the evening with some kid he barely knew. He wasn’t a babysitter. He didn’t want to entertain some brats for a few hours in the name of team bonding. He’d figure out something to do! There were clubs that he, as a charming, attractive young bachelor could go to! He didn’t have to sit alone or play babysitter for a few hours.
“I won’t be able to make it this weekend,” Hawkeye said.
Oh shit. Hawkeye approved. That meant no matter how much Havoc hated the idea of trying to find things in common with a literal child, he was going to have to do it. They all would. At least he wouldn’t be suffering alone. Maybe, since this was all Fuery’s dumb idea, he’d figure out a way to shunt the kids off on him.
“Got a hot date, lieutenant,” Breda snickered. He turned back to his office supply stash and started stacking them again in an increasingly unsteady tower.
“If I did, why would I tell you?”
“Alright, alright, just joking.”
“What would we even do with two kids?” Falman asked. “What do kids even like to do?” Great, now Falman was starting to get on board.
“There’s a new bar that opened up near my place—” Breda barely got the words out when Hawkeye slammed her hands on the desk. Breda’s tower collapsed. At least it wasn’t a bullet.
“Under no circumstances are you four to take those children to any bar, brothel, opium den, or otherwise. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir,” Breda squeaked. Hawkeye was almost scarier without her gun.
Havoc snickered. “Don’t worry, lieutenant. We wouldn’t take an eleven and twelve-year-old to a brothel." Did he want to poke the bear? Yes. Yes, he did. "We’d take them to a strip club like any responsible adult would.”
He yelped when he felt the hot sting of a bullet fly by his cheek, barely grazing him. He could hear people in the office next to them shouting.
“It was a joke!” He threw his hands in the air and dove beneath his desk. “We’re not going to take them to a strip club, I swear!”
Mustang may have been a war hero who could incinerate you with the snap of his fingers, but damn if Hawkeye wasn’t more intimidating. Then again, given what he knew about the colonel, he wouldn’t be surprised if he had no qualms whatsoever about them taking the boys to a brothel.
“Of course you can take them to a brothel. That’s where I spent my youth and look at how I turned out!
She sat back down, seemingly satisfied with his mad scramble for cover. “Instead of trying to come up with something, why not go ask them what they’d like to do? They’re at the library.”
Havoc eased his way out from underneath the desk. Breda and Fuery were snickering at him. He sent a glare their way and stood fully up.
“Good idea. I’ll go talk to them.”
It’d give him a chance to enjoy the sunshine and waste at least a few minutes.
Hawkeye stood up as well. “I’ll come with.”
“Don’t trust me to come back?”
“I don’t trust them to agree.”
He shrugged and followed her out. “That’s fine by me. If they don’t want to do something, then they don’t have to. It’s not like we took the others out when they joined the team.”
“Fuery is right. They’re going to be working with us and they have to trust us. All of us. For them to do that, they need to spend some time with you outside of a professional setting. You and the others have the benefit of meeting up for drinks after work. Because they are children, we have to figure out other activities for you to do together.” Her tone left no room for argument.
Truthfully, Havoc knew there was going to be no arguments the moment she didn’t shut the conversation down. He still thought this whole thing was a waste of time. They were kids who, by the sounds of it, were mostly going to be doing their own thing. He didn’t care how many ‘team bonding’ experiences they were going to be having. He couldn’t see himself ever truly trusting these kids in battle. And he couldn’t see them trusting the team either. That wasn’t a bad thing. He felt like this entire enterprise was doomed to fail.
“If you say so.”
He didn’t think they would get anything out of forcing Ed and Al to come with them on an outing. If anything, it might just push the kids away more. If they didn’t want to ‘bond’ with the team, then they shouldn’t have to. Not everyone who worked under the colonel was part of ‘Team Mustang’, as Fuery liked to call them. However, Hawkeye seemed convinced that this was something they should do. Which meant that whether Ed and Al wanted to, they would be doing something with Team Mustang this weekend.
Havoc hoped it wasn’t a puppet show or something. Seriously, what did kids their age do? What was he doing when he was their age? (Certainly not joining the military, that was for sure).
When they got to the library, they found Ed and Al on the third floor in private study room three. Havoc’s jaw dropped when he stepped inside. He knew they were in the library doing research. And he knew alchemy research could be a bit… intense. But he did not expect the sheer magnitude of research materials strewn about the room. His eyes bulged as he took in the piles of books that looked complex just from the cover alone. Some books were opened to specific pages. Others were stuffed full of bookmarks.
He bent over to peak at one of the opened books by his feet. What the hell kind of language was it written in? What the hell was with the diagram drawn on the table? What the hell were these kids researching?
And the positions they were in! His back hurt just looking at Ed sprawled out on the floor. There were perfectly usable chairs right next to him! (Shit, this might be evidence that he was, in fact, getting old).
Granted, they were piled high with books, putting Breda’s office supply tower to shame. But it would be much more logical for the pile of books to be on the floor and Ed to be on the chair. At least Al seemed to know how to use furniture properly, though he was still wearing that massive suit of armor. Come to think of it, Havoc didn’t think he had ever seen the kid without it. It had to smell in there. And be incredibly uncomfortable.
“Oh, hey lieutenant,” Ed said, briefly looking up from his notes before diving back in, scribbling madly on a page that made him look almost possessed.
Hawkeye didn’t salute him, so Havoc didn’t either. Thankfully. He felt a bit weird about having a literal child outrank him. Luckily, Ed didn’t seem to be on a power trip and never appeared to care about the military protocols all that much. To be honest, he didn’t seem to care about the military all that much either.
“Hello Edward, how’s the research going?” Hawkeye asked. To any outside observer, she sounded the same. He could tell she was using a gentler tone. Who knew the lieutenant had a soft spot? He wouldn’t tease her about it, of course. The bullet she shot at him earlier still rang in his ears.
“Good. Does Colonel Bastard need us for something?”
Havoc couldn’t help the snort that came out of his mouth. The kid had guts, that’s for sure. He admired that about him. Granted, it helped that he was working under Mustang. Another CO would not be so forgiving when it came to insubordination. However, he learned very early on that Mustang wasn’t like other CO’s. He could take it just as well as he could dish it out. And he loved to dish it out. Despite Ed only being here a week, Havoc had already witnessed no less than three shouting matches between Ed and the colonel. Fuery witness two more. Falman had caught the tail end of a sixth one. And Breda had stumbled into the start of a seventh, only to begrudgingly be called away by work.
Each time Havoc and the rest of them could tell that while there might be some animosity, it was much more a battle of wits. A chess match between the two to see who could deal the most damaging blow without crossing a line. To see who could get the last word in. Surprisingly, it seemed that Ed and the colonel were evenly matched. Maybe the colonel was throwing a match or two, not completely wiping the floor with the kid because he absolutely could. Havoc had seen him go up against asshole generals before and destroy them with nothing but words in thirty seconds or less. Regardless, when you got both of them in a room together, they fought. And it was fascinating to watch.
“Brother, you shouldn’t talk about him like that,” Al sighed.
If Ed was a combative little punk, Al was the exact opposite. It surprised Havoc that the two were raised by the same parent (Parents? He didn’t remember the two ever really mentioning a father.). How did one brother turn out as disrespectful as Ed and the other as sweet as Al? Maybe that’s what people should be researching instead of talking chimeras and how to alchemize water.
“The colonel doesn’t need you for anything,” Hawkeye said, carefully stepping to avoid the books and papers that covered the floor. How she found a clear space to stand was beyond him. Maybe Hawkeye was so terrifying that the universe itself changed to ensure she was never inconvenienced. He wouldn’t put it past her.
“Oh, then why are you two here?”
She elbowed him in the gut, hard. He doubled over. He briefly thought about glaring at her but decided he had had enough hearing loss for one day and thought better of it.
Why did he have to be the one to ask? They were going to say no and Hawkeye was going to have to step in and force them. Might as well skip to the forcing them part.
“Well…” Should he call him Ed? No, too casual. Edward? No, too formal. Sir? Oh, hell no. He was not calling this kid sir. “chief…” Sure, that worked for now. “The team, minus the lieutenant and colonel, were inviting you two out tonight.”
This got Ed to tear his eyes away from that massive tome (Havoc had never used the word tome to describe a book before, but there was nothing else that could accurately portray what Ed had in his hands at the moment.). He looked at them, confused.
“Why?”
Havoc looked at Hawkeye, hoping she would take the reins now and force the kid. She narrowed her eyes. He stood his ground. She was the one who was going to force these kids to come. Not him.
She glared at him.
Now, Ed and Al were also staring at him.
Crap, what was their reasoning for taking these kids out? He wished he had a cigarette. “If we’re going to be working together, we figured we might as well get to know each other.”
Yeah, that sounded close enough to what Fuery had said earlier.
Ed and Al continued to stare at him.
“You two have been here for a week and we’ve hardly exchanged two words. So, we’re going to… I don’t know, go do something… together. You, me, Breda, Falman, and Fuery… Sound good?”
Alright, when phrased like that, it sounded kind of creepy. Hawkeye was aware of how weird it was for a group of adult men to take two kids they didn’t know well and weren’t related to out. Right? She had to know how weird this was going to look.
“Oh,” Ed turned back to his notes. “No thanks.”
Havoc’s eye twitched.
Yes, he didn’t want to take the kids out on one of the only free weekends he had had in a long time. But couldn’t the kid at least pretend to consider it? Maybe put on a show about how he had so much work to do and couldn’t possibly step away from it for even an hour? Just ‘no thanks’? That was it?
Hawkeye straightened up. Shit was getting real! He took a step back and watched her hands twitch. She wouldn’t pull a gun on two kids in a library? Would she?
“Edward Elric, you are part of a team now.”
Shit! That was the ‘I’m both mad and disappointed so if you don’t fix your mistakes now, you’re going to have three more bullets in your wall’ voice.
Don’t argue with her children! You don’t know what she’s capable of! Just agree with her and accept your fate!
Ed and Al flinched, both looking slightly afraid.
They should be looking very afraid.
“You need to learn to trust us. In order to trust us, you need to get to know us. It can be hard to get to know someone in a work setting. Therefore, you and your brother must figure out something to do with the team.”
“I trust you guys,” Ed said. The fact that he was trying to argue with Hawkeye at all spoke volumes to how new he was to this whole ‘Team Mustang’ thing.
“Well, we were going to do something you wanted to do,” Havoc said, trying to play peacemaker. The last thing he needed was for the colonel to come back from his meeting have having to deal with a disciplinary report because Hawkeye started firing in the library. That was guaranteed to trash his weekend more than spending a few hours with a kid.
“We like to read and research.” It seemed Al was trying to play peacemaker as well.
This was the shit these kids did for fun?
“So you can help us with that,” he finished brightly. God, he and Fuery were both rays of fucking sunshine. They’d probably get along great.
“Al,” Ed groaned.
Havoc looked back down at one of the open books on the floor. Holy hell, what in God’s name was that thing? His head started to swim and he looked away before he could get sick. School never was his strong suit growing up.
“Um, maybe Fuery and Falman would be interested?” He suggested pathetically. If the kids agreed, then he might just be able to get out of this whole thing.
“No, this is something you all have to do together,” Hawkeye said. “There’s a natural history museum about fifteen minutes from the dorms that is opened until 2100 on Fridays.” Her voice slipped into her commanding tone that could even get enemy armies to listen to her. Seriously, Havoc once saw her dress down a group of Cretans to the point where they willingly surrendered.
“I expect everyone to be there at 1900 hours exactly. You will spend at least two hours looking at exhibits and discussing them with the team. Do I make myself clear?”
Ed, Al, and Havoc all snapped to attention, complete with a salute. “Yes, ma’am!”
Alright, guess that solved the little problem of finding something to do. Though, he had to point out that Ed and Al didn’t technically come up with the idea so it wasn’t something they wanted to do.
Hawkeye smiled. “If you aren’t there, I will find out.”
There was a chill in the air. Havoc and the kids shared a look, a silent plea passing between comrades who knew their luck was running out. He could offer nothing but condolences. When the lieutenant used that tone of voice, she was being serious.
“Havoc, let’s go. You still have paperwork to fill out.” She spun on her heels and marched out of the room.
Havoc rubbed the back of his neck and smiled at the two shell-shocked kids still sprawled out in private research room number three. “Um, I guess I’ll see you two tonight, then?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Ed took one look at Hawkeye’s retreating back and shuddered.
“Cool. Um, good luck with your research.” He waved to them and followed her back to the office.
“I would accuse you of trying to get out of work,” the colonel said when he and Hawkeye got back to the office. “But I know the lieutenant would never do such a thing.”
“We were just meeting with Edward and Alphonse to arrange an outing tonight,” Hawkeye said, slipping back to her position next to the colonel.
Havoc collapsed down in a chair and lit up a cigarette. Shit, he wasn’t going to be able to smoke around the kids, was he?
“So, success?” Fuery sounded very hopeful and very excited.
“Yep. Natural History Museum. Tonight at seven.”
“Great! I’ve always been meaning to go. I’ve just never had the time.” He turned back to his work with renewed motivation, looking very pleased with himself.
“I can’t make it tonight,” Mustang said, flicking through his papers. “I have a date.”
Smug asshole. He sounded like he was mocking them.
Look at me. I’m Colonel Mustang. I have dates with beautiful women every night while my subordinates, particularly Havoc, can’t even get the cute bookshop owner to smile at them. Aren’t I so special?
“How?” he groaned. “How do you have enough time to go on dates every weekend?”
“Some of us don’t procrastinate our work.”
That was a fucking lie.
“What I’m wondering is how he finds so many women willing to put up with him.” Breda snickered. His snickers quickly turned into shrieks as Mustang lit his office supply tower on fire.
“I can’t believe I work with you idiots,” Hawkeye muttered, grabbing a blanket and smothering the flames before the fire could spread to the rest of the desk. “Colonel, can you try not to light important paperwork on fire? You’ll have to do it again if it’s destroyed.”
That was one good thing about going with the kids to the Natural History Museum. There was no way spending two hours with them would even compare to the level of chaos that went on in this office. He was in for one very boring, very uneventful night.