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Loki breathed in and out. Out and in. Again. Again. Again.
It'd distract from the face in the mirror. It wasn't any different from the other forms he'd taken. It was his 'natural' one. His resting face, there was nothing different.
In, out. Out, in. Again. Again. Again.
It felt wrong. Wrong in a way that wasn't like his gender, no, not like that. It wasn't him. The face in the mirror wasn't his own, it couldn't be. He stared and stared, hoping to search for something that was his own. Something familiar. He wasn't real, this couldn't be him. It couldn't be him. He traced his cheekbones numbly.
This wasn't him.
In, out. Out, in. Again. Again. Again.
He tried shifting forms. It didn't work. He still felt disgusting, no, not quite. He felt. Numb. Tired. Not-quite-there.
Loki walked out of the bathroom, tearing himself away from his reflection. He entered his room, not the one he shared with Bucky, Bucky shouldn't have to deal with him right now—
He paused. There was someone in his room. It wasn't someone he could see, but he could tell. It was the sixth sense that lit up the back of his mind. He walked slowly throughout his room, searching for the intruder. He wanted to lock the door, to have the sense of safety that no one could get in unless he willed it, but if Bucky checked on him then he'd find the door locked, and he'd know what happened. He'd know Loki wasn't good.
Loki checked under the bed. Nothing there. The closet. They had to be in the closet. Perhaps a SHIELD agent, sent to spy on him or even harm him when he was at his weakest? That had to be it. Perhaps Romanov? She'd be able to do that. Loki checked the closet. Nothing there. He looked again.
What if they were under the bed again? They could have moved in the seconds that Loki wasn't looking? He checked again. Nothing. The door. Loki spun quickly, running a nervous hand through his hair. The door, he hadn't done anything to the door. They could have left? No, why would they? Loki could still feel them there.
It suddenly occurred to Loki that this was irrational. There was no one in his room. Why would there be? Why would that ever happen?
He had to check again. Just to be sure. Just to calm his raging heart.
Nothing there, just like last time. Loki knew that nothing would happen if he slept now but...
He couldn't shake the feeling there was someone watching him.
Loki sat himself in the corner, watching the door, the bed, the closet. He stared.
And stared.
In, out.
Out, in.
Again. Again. Again.
He kept his breathing quiet, watching, waiting. Nothing would show, but something would. Something would show and Loki couldn't be off-guard for that.
He waited. Eyes darting throughout the room, vision going out of focus as everything blurred, then realizing that he was zoning out and snapping himself back into focus. He watched.
In, out. Out, in. Again. Again.
Again.
The doorknob moved.
Loki shot up, summoning a dagger immediately. "Who is it?" He asked warily, but not too much. They couldn't know. He poised himself for an attack.
"It's just me," Bucky said. "Are you coming to bed or do you want to sleep in your room tonight?"
"My room," Loki answered, not relaxing. He couldn't... he couldn't be around people right now. He had to be alone.
"Okay," Bucky said. "You want me to come in?" This was a boundary.
"No." Loki didn't hesitate in his response.
"Okay, then." Was Bucky bitter in that sentence? He was, he probably hated Loki. He was just waiting until Loki was under his thumb until he could control him. No! Bucky would never do that, Loki was a bad person for thinking that. He was probably manipulating Bucky into caring about him. He was probably exaggerating the stories about his childhood, making it seem as if Loki suffered. No. He was a bad person. Bucky would see through that, and he would leave. He would leave like Odin always said they would.
Loki let the dagger clattered to the floor. He was being watched. He was being studied. He hated this. He hated himself.
He didn't want to sleep.
He crawled into bed anyway. No one needed to see him like this. He'd probably be okay with some sleep.
So Loki slept, and did his damndest to be okay with being watched.
When he woke up, no one noticed the forced smile or the bags under his eyes.