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Kaidan checked the time on his omni-tool for what was probably the fifth time in the last half hour. It hadn’t been a particularly long dinner, but he was more than ready for the night to be over. About a month ago he had finally let his friends convince him to try dating again. His first date was an awkward one-hour coffee date with an alliance doctor his friend Mark set him up with. There was no connection and the conversation felt forced. It probably hadn’t helped that most of the time he was zoned out, wondering what Shepard would think of him seeing other people after she had only been dead a year. They politely parted ways and he decided he didn’t want to try going out with anyone else for a while, but not long after another friend of his got him to go out with someone else. And so forth. This was his fourth first date and nothing had sparked his interest enough to ask for a second.
“I’m boring you, aren’t I?”
“Huh?” He quickly looked up, trying to appear less distracted, but failing.
“You keep checking your omni-tool and you’ve barely said anything this entire evening,” she smiled sadly. “I get it, I’m sure you get all kinds of action out there taking down the bad guys. I can see how a museum curator wouldn’t be particularly interesting to someone with your exciting life.”
He sighed, running his hand through his hair, flashing her an apologetic smile. “Amanda, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—“
“Really, it’s okay,” she said genuinely. “It was just dinner and drinks. I’ve had far worse dates since living on the Citadel, believe me. One guy took me for the worst sushi I’ve ever had and proceeded to gush non-stop about the asari Consort for hours on end.” She laughed.
“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” he chuckled, forwarding credits from his omni-tool to the restaurant. “But really, it’s not you. I’m just a little out of practice.”
“Is that so?” She raised an eyebrow as they both stood up, proceeding to leave the restaurant.
“Yeah,” he sighed, as they walked through Zakera Ward together. “It’s been over a year since I’ve been involved with anyone, and before that I hadn’t been on any dates in years. I’m more than rusty.”
Her blue eyes sparkled and she grinned. “Wow, so you weren’t kidding when you said out of practice.” Her tone was slightly suggestive, and he turned to look at her, trying to read her face.
It was then that he noticed she was very pretty. He had spent the last couple hours with her, but it wasn’t until now that he realized it. Her shiny blonde hair shaped her face quite nicely and her red lipstick accentuated her lovely plump lips. While she didn’t even come close to the striking beauty had been Kate Shepard, she was the first woman he had actually noticed since then, and that was saying something.
He smiled with a shrug. “The way things have panned out for me…it’s just been easier this way—to be alone, focus on my work.”
She crept a bit closer to him, her shoulder brushing against his. “Well that doesn’t sound like very much fun.”
“I think I’ve forgotten how,” he muttered. “To have fun, that is. I um…I lost someone very close to me a year ago and I still find myself hoping to wake up, find out it was all just a bad a dream.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she frowned.
“It’s okay,” he said quickly. “How would you?”
“Well, still. That must have been…tough,” she offered.
“It is,” he agreed. “You think you have all this time. You start making plans for the future, dreaming up possibilities. At that point you can’t even fathom your life without them, because in every dream of the future, they’re in it. But then one day…well,” he swallowed, tightening his jaw. “One day you wake up and the future is now the present, and it’s not what you dreamt of. You’re alone and she only exists in your memories. How do you move forward when you only want to go back?”
He hadn’t even realized it, but they both had stopped walking. His gaze was on the ground and she was staring at him intently, as if she was just now realizing the bag of worms she’d unintentionally opened.
“What was her name?” Amanda asked softly.
Kaidan looked up and smiled, clearing his throat. “Katie. Well, that’s what I called her anyway. To most everyone else she was Kate Shepard.”
Realization dawned on Amanda’s face at the mention of her name. “Shepard. Wow. I um… I didn’t realize you knew her. Gosh, I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you,” he nodded. “I’m sorry to bring all that up suddenly. I didn’t intend to. Just sorta…came out.”
“Please don’t apologize,” she insisted. “It makes sense now…the date and all. You have had a lot happen in your life recently and I can’t blame you for struggling with the mundane.”
“Well, thanks for being so understanding,” he replied as they approached transit. “If the circumstances had been different…” he reached out and gently touched her arm.
“Kaidan, it’s fine,” she assured him with a smile. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“I hope you have a good rest of your night. You’re a very sweet person, Amanda.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that,” she replied.
As he was turning to walk away she said. “Oh and Kaidan…”
He turned around.
“When you are ready…if that day comes,” she smiled shyly. “Well, you have my number.”
He grinned. “I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”
Kaidan plopped down on the couch in his small apartment when he got home, a bottle of whiskey in tow. He pulled off his dress clothes and kicked his feet up on the coffee table, cracking open the bottle.
He thought about what Amanda had said, implying she’d be interested when he was ready to date again. Flattered as he was, he doubted that day would actually come. Everything reminded him of her. One night at a club on the Citadel, he had gotten quite drunk and was dancing with a woman. She had come on pretty strong and cornered him into an alcove, trying to kiss him. It was like the drunken stupor wore off immediately and he reflexively pushed her back. Just her touch instantly made him feel like he was cheating on Shepard. She’d been gone for six months at that point. Another time he was having a perfectly normal conversation with a marine when a woman passed them who must have worn the same perfume as Shepard. The familiar scent filled the air and he had to excuse himself to the restroom, where he proceeded to break out into tears and have a full on anxiety attack.
It was like part of his heart was missing. He felt so empty without her. The idea of moving on pained him. All of his friends and family insisted it was what he had to do, but moving on felt like moving farther and farther from Shepard. If the only direction to go in was forward, then he would stubbornly stand still and indulge himself in memories of her.
He took a giant swig of whiskey and rifled through a messy stack of papers on his coffee table. Many of them were sweet little notes they had passed back and forth when they were on the Normandy, trying to keep their relationship on the DL. It felt more secure than sending messages through their omni-tools, leaving a digital record. He liked how old school notes felt anyway.
Has anyone ever told you your ass is the finest one in the galaxy? ;) -KS
He chuckled, remembering her cute little obsession with his butt. It came up in their flirtation regularly. It helped motivate him to keep up with his squats and deadlifts.
I heard a couple ladies on the Citadel gushing about hot you are, Lieutenant. The bit of fame this mission has garnered our team seems to be bringing you all sorts of…attention. I hope I can still have you all to myself. -KS
He smiled, picking up the note he had written her in response.
You’re just stroking my ego. You know that all anyone cares to gush about is you, the Commander Shepard, first human spectre, sexiest woman alive, most dangerous woman in the galaxy…you have no competition out there, Katie girl. I only have eyes for you. -KA
Have I told you I love you yet today? Well, I do. I love you. Like a lot. -KS
You have, but you can keep telling me. I won’t ever get tired of hearing it. I love you too. More than anything. -KA
His heart felt warm, remembering their tenderness—or perhaps that warmth was just the whiskey. He took what was probably his fourth gulp of whiskey. But who was counting? He had plenty more where that came from.
I know we have bigger things to worry about now that we’ve taken down Sovereign and Saren, but as soon as we get some shore leave, I’m taking you up on that invitation to Vancouver. I haven’t been to Earth in years and I miss it. Could really go for some R&R in a cabin by a lake. -KS
You have my word. Just you and me. A bottle of wine, a crackling fire, a bearskin rug—did I mention that we’re both naked in this scenario? ;) -KA
Don’t tease me, Lieutenant. You’re going to make me yearn. -KS
Who’s teasing? I for one am dead serious. Especially about the naked part. -KA
Kaidan finished off the bottle of whiskey and threw it at the trash bin. It missed and hit the wall, shattering all over the floor. His vision had blurred a bit and at this point and he was feeling buzzed. It took a lot for a biotic to get properly drunk—especially one as strong as he was— but he’d had plenty of practice. Mission accomplished.
He stumbled across the room and picked up the framed picture he had of Shepard sitting on his desk. It was from after her Spectre ceremony, when the Normandy crew went out out together at Flux to celebrate. She had changed out of her formal Alliance clothes and slipped into an emerald green, form-fitting cocktail dress. It was incredibly sexy and accentuated every part of her hourglass figure. Despite being rather small, she had a fantastic ass and full breasts. Every part of her body was beautifully toned and that particular dress did not leave much up to the imagination. He would never forget the way his mouth gaped open and eyes bugged out of his head the moment he first saw her in that dress. This was well before either of them had confessed having feelings for the other and he had no idea if she would actually be interested in him. He quickly tried to hide his reaction, blushing with embarrassment. But she definitely noticed, as did Wrex and Garrus, who teased him about it relentlessly later that night. All Shepard had done was grin and wink at him before joining the rest of their group. Her effect on him had always seemed to amuse her.
He wasn’t the only one that night who couldn’t keep their eyes off her. Kaidan saw the way other men looked at her, human and non— and even some women. Shepard was a knockout for sure, but it wasn’t just her looks that drew people to her. She was always quite gregarious, intelligent, and genuine. Almost everyone that knew her adored her.
Joker, the ever shameless flirt that he was, had sidled up rather closely to her that evening, the two of them laughing and teasing each other in a rounded booth toward the back of the club. It was getting late and most of the crew had already headed back to the ship for the night. But those two were still going strong, clanking glasses together and calling the server for another round.
He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, but Joker and Shepard seemed to have a special connection right from the get go, and he would have been lying if he didn’t admit that he found it a bit threatening. Early on, he couldn’t tell if Shepard’s interest was in him or Joker. But he was certain Joker had a thing for her, no question there. Even when they first met Shepard before their mission on Eden Prime, Joker hadn’t held back his thoughts when Shepard left the cock pit.
“Damn, the new commander has an incredible ass!” He whistled, looking after her as she headed to CIC.
“Cool it, man,” Kaidan shook his head. “That’s our new commander. Show some respect.”
“Oh I respect her,” he grinned. “But I also respect that ass.”
“Dude…” he sighed. “There are regs. Don’t get it twisted.”
Joker laughed. “Oh I know I can’t touch, but I can look.” He winked.
Joker and Kaidan had been good friends for a couple years before either of them had met Shepard. They’d had a few short assignments with each other and pretty much kept in touch ever since, occasionally meeting up for drinks when their shore leave coincided. And while Kaidan trusted Joker and respected him as a person, what he knew about Joker didn’t exactly quell his concerns about his friendship with Shepard. While people who first met Joker might assume that his Vrolik’s Disease shook his confidence and interfered with his love life, they would be very wrong. Not only did Joker know he was the best damn pilot in the galaxy, he was surprisingly charming and great with the ladies. His self-deprecating jokes weren’t indicative of a lack of “game”. Although Joker’s condition required him to take extra care, Kaidan was well aware that the pilot was getting plenty of action. He had seen him take many different women back to his apartment during their times out at clubs. It never bothered him before, he was happy for his friend, but now that he seemed to be working his charm on Shepard, he was feeling less than enthused.
But ultimately it was Kaidan that had gotten the girl. While Shepard may have enjoyed joking around and playfully flirting with Joker, she only had deep feelings for Kaidan. Once that became apparent, Joker had backed off, not wanting to interfere with something serious between his good friend and commander. Regs be damned, Kaidan and Shepard fell for each other pretty fast and their relationship was passionate and intense.
Kaidan shook his head, setting the picture frame back down. Even though he ended up getting Kate, he would never forget how consumed with jealousy he felt that night, watching Joker getting cozy with Shepard. If there was any question before that night how strong his feelings for her were, there wasn’t anymore. He’d had it bad for her.
He stumbled over to his liquor stash, selecting a bottle of bourbon. The smell reminded him of his dad and grandfather. The two of them would occasionally sit up late on the porch smoking cigars and sipping bourbon. When Kaidan was young, he thought that was the most grown-up activity one could partake in. Now bourbon had just become one of the many different liquors he tossed back late at night when he was lonely and miserable, unable to sleep. It had basically been his nightly ritual when he wasn’t out on a mission—and missions had been few and far between since the Normandy was destroyed.
The Alliance had put him on leave for a couple months afterward, telling him he needed time to grieve. They ordered him to see a counselor to work through his PTSD, but it hadn’t helped much. He had been so angry with himself for the way things had gone down, constantly beating himself up for listening to Shepard’s orders instead of staying back with her. It should have been him who got spaced and suffocated to death. Not her. So he drowned his sorrows into the bottle, pushing away anyone that was close to him. It wasn’t until the past two months that he had actually managed to have a semi-social life again, but even much of that was his attempt to appear normal and fit for duty. He wanted work to consume his life so he could be distracted from his grief. He had been helping train other Alliance Biotics while stationed on the Citadel, but was hoping he’d soon be able to return to Arcturus Station. The Citadel had too many memories of Shepard and his time with the Normandy crew. As long as he was still there, he didn’t know if he could ever put it behind him.
He took several swigs of bourbon, punching the pillow behind him as he tried to get comfortable. This was no way to live a life. He felt like a shell of the person he used to be. He wondered what Shepard would think of him if she could see him right now—how he was handling this.
“Fucking pathetic,” he groaned aloud.
He was a mess and he knew it. Maybe…maybe he could try to start getting his shit together. Cut back on the booze, spend some more time hitting the punching bag, actually try this time to confide in someone about what he was feeling. It’s what Kate would have wanted him to do. She wouldn’t have wanted him to wallow in his pity. She’d want him to live, to be the best version of himself. That was the man she had fallen in love with. If he had to be anything, he decided he wanted to be someone Shepard would be proud of.
“Tomorrow,” he slurred determinedly. Then he passed out cold in the quiet of his apartment, falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.