Work Text:
"So you've been duped by a working girl, huh?"
I turned around.
The men behind me were laughing and patting the drank man on the back as he.
Inez's tavern was busy again tonight, with dusty men congratulating each other on the day's work.
I prayed that no one would notice that I had responded to those words.
I put on my usual mask of nonchalance and picked up the playing cards I had left next to the whiskey.
The sensation of cutting the cards calmed my mind, and the dry sound at regular intervals lured me into a sea of quiet thoughts.
But for the past few days, I drowning and struggle in that sea.
Ever since the night I spent with the oriental woman with the sad but strong eyes...
It was obviously Nathan who was trying to help her, and I think should that his enthusiasm had communicated for her.
I knew that we could help the woman in front of me with a fraction of the day's earnings, but I also knew that no matter how much money we put up today to help her, she would tomorrow it will be sold to a man again by an outrageous her uncle.
That this was "everyday life" in Chinatown, and that no matter how hard it was, it was something a simple visitor could not change.
I tried my best to look away from her. Her eyes, looking for help, seemed to blame the man who avoided doing good deeds by making excuses, and I felt as if my heart was being clenched.
She must have seen me trembling at that moment, and why she could have trusted such a man?
The kind black man with only four dollars in his pocket, who was desperate to stop her from being taken by thugs.
The well-dressed white man who reluctantly gave $7, not stopping to gamble even though he was being traded in front of him.
Depending on her purpose, she would decide whom to turn to.
Of course, I'm not saying that she was necessarily like that.
It would be disrespectful and ungentlemanly of her to think that way.
And I didn't regret giving her the money for her ticket back home at all.
I'm sure I liked her. It's was just...
It was just that I was also aware of the fact that there was a mixture of fondness for another person, and calculation for it in my heart.
I'm not the good man she says I am. Never.
So, I don't blame her if she was a very good at acting working girl.
And if she really did have feelings for a man like me, I had no choice but to pray that the ticket fee would be at least a compensation and I could only hope that she didn't notice that I was looking for a reason not to go to bed with her that night.
good man?
Who's the "good man"?
I know. This suspicion is just me hoping it's true.
I wish that she take advantage me. I hoping.
It would take away some of the guilt I feel for her.
I was too afraid to face my own stupid feelings.
I'd make her out to be a bad girl, and the guilt would make me feel even worse.
I know.
Not she. It's me.
I was trying to take advantage of her even for a moment... of his concern and care for her.
While I was kissing her "not obligation".
Behind my eye lids, I could see the gentle, dark eyes of the healer.
It stared straight at me, like his words, like the trajectory of a knife he was throwing.
If she found a new life with me, if it brought her out of her current quagmire, will the man change my reputation and smile with his beautiful white teeth for me?
Or will he call me out again in a strong tone of voice, saying that I'm the worst kind of man for taking advantage of her instability her?
Either is fine.
Either...
If I hadn't been interrupted at that moment by a drunken yell from the saloon downstairs, I would have made more mistakes.
No matter which card I play.
I knew that I couldn't win this bet.
The dirty fingertips of the con man would never touch the heart of Nathan Jackson.
I drowning.