Work Text:
junhui had seen it all.
from the tweets, to the weverse posts. he wanted to just disappear.
he didn’t expect it to be filmed, after all, he was at the side of the camera. however, the camera captured him, and boom suddenly he went trending.
junhui wanted to be trending for the right reasons, he wanted to be trending because of his graceful dance moves, he wanted to be trending because of his unique honey-like voice. oh boy, he even wanted to be trending for being a straight-up comedian.
but this…
this was just plain embarrassing. he can feel the number of people laughing and mocking him, probably saying how dirty and disgusting he is.
why couldn’t he be like the other members? why couldn’t he be like seungcheol, who was known for his good leadership skills? why couldn’t he be like soonyoung or chan who were known for their superior dancing and their talent for choreographing? why couldn’t he be like seokmin or seungkwan who were known for their powerful vocals? why couldn’t he express his emotions as well as jihoon?
junhui could literally list every single positive trait about his members. it pains him that he couldn’t find any for himself.
sure, he had good looks, but it wasn’t as good as wonwoo’s or mingyu’s. his dancing skills were above average for a kpop idol, but it wasn’t as good as soonyoung’s or chan’s. he had a good fashion sense, but again, it’s nothing compared to minghao’s. he was a caring and selfless person, but he was not known for it as much as jeonghan is.
junhui was just average.
he felt that he was only known as seventeen’s jun or one of the chinese guys from seventeen. there weren’t any other traits carats noticed about him. he was just there, probably just to fill up the numbers or something.
it was an unhealthy addiction, but junhui always searches his name on every social media platform he has. he also searches for seventeen member rankings based on their skills.
he wasn’t at the top. for every single ranking.
another unhealthy addiction he has is when junhui posts, he would check the number of likes or comments the post has, and sometimes, he would compare it to the other members, making sure his numbers were higher.
ok, this post has 59.8K likes in a day. junhui thought. he was proud of the achievement as he never had so many likes in just 24 hours. however, his happiness was short-lived.
he saw joshua’s picture, which was posted a few hours ago.
70k likes.
junhui felt an uneasy feeling in his chest. hey? maybe you posted at the wrong timing, i mean the algorithm is stupid right? he tried to reassure himself but it didn’t stop his train of negative thoughts.
he knew that more people liked joshua. he wasn’t as popular as him.
//
since young, he has always been compared to others.
why can’t you be like him?
maybe you should learn from her, that’s how you’ll improve.
every time he hears that he would feel so shameful. he had let those people down, those who had faith in him. he felt like a disappointment. most importantly, junhui hates being compared to.
and what’s the one way to prevent this?
junhui just has to be the first.
he just has to be the best at what he is doing, that way no one will compare him to others and maybe he wouldn’t feel so inferior anymore.
and that’s what he did, throughout his years in china, he will strive to be at the top. no matter in which aspect, from academics to sports, junhui will always be first.
many people envied him, but they didn’t know the hours of sleepless nights junhui had. if this was a race, junhui felt like he was at the front, with no one overtaking him, and he could finally slow down his pace. after all, he was going to be the first to finish the race. the feeling felt so good.
until he met the twelve other men he called family.
now, it felt as if these twelve men had easily completed their last lap while junhui is struggling to finish his first. they were so far away from him and junhui couldn’t catch up.
junhui was jealous and he was aware of it. he felt horrible about his jealousy. why does he feel jealous of his own members, they were so supportive, they were so kind, they were junhui’s backbone, yet he was jealous. he was so selfish that junhui felt that he doesn’t deserve their love and attention and should just be left alone. sometimes, he was so angry at them that he felt like screaming and blaming them for his problems and emotions. he would see mean comments saying “why couldn’t jun dance as well as soonyoung?” or “junhui’s humor is nothing compared to vernon’s.” sometimes, he secretly hoped that he would be compared to someone else, he wanted to be the role model for others. he wanted to feel superior for once. gosh, he was so mean. of course, he knew they weren’t to blame, it was his own fault anyway. junhui really hated himself, he was so egocentric and ungrateful. he wanted to clear all those thoughts but it didn’t work, these thoughts still taunt him every day.
//
finally, after a long day of back-to-back schedules, the members had time to rest, all of them were exhausted. once their heads hit their beds, many fell into a deep sleep.
junhui was still awake.
yes, he was exhausted, he wanted to turn in to bed like the other members, but he has something essential to do.
he waited until all the members were asleep, once the coast was clear, he quickly got out from his bed, grabbed his phone and airpods, and dashed out of his shared room with seungkwan and chan.
he doesn’t stop running until he reached the practice room. he did this for around a month, why was he so exhausted? shouldn’t his stamina get better? junhui felt like a failure.
he opened the door of the practice room and turned on the lights. junhui started playing music from his phone, trying to connect it to his airpods and then he danced, he felt it was the only way he could relieve stress, plus he could probably use the time to improve on his dancing.
normally, junhui would dance until his legs felt a little sore, then he would turn off all the lights and collect all his belongings and run back to the dorms, trying to leave no evidence that he had been secretly practicing. it did work out for the past month and junhui was kind of satisfied with it.
today was different though, it was a bad day for him and junhui wanted to do one thing.
he wanted to dance until he dropped.
he knew overworking was an unhealthy coping mechanism but he knew he had to be better. he had to be the best, he had to be perfect, then he will feel good about himself.
initially, he wanted to dance the pain away, but instead, it was giving him more pain. both physically and emotionally.
physically as in, his legs would feel sore and he is often left with bruises.
he felt emotional pain when he would judge his own flaws.
“this is why people say you are the worst dancer in your unit, you can’t even get the beat right.”
“you sound so unstable when you are singing and dancing, you aren’t fit to be a seventeen member.”
junhui couldn’t stop the voices in his head.
he kept dancing and dancing but he will hurl more and more insults towards himself.
by the time he was tired, he lied down on the floor as he checked the time on his phone.
5.a.m
shit.
some of the members probably would be awake by now, he needs to go back to the dorms.
junhui tried his best to pull himself up, he quickly turned off the lights and ran out of the practice room, praying that no one saw him.
his shirt was all soiled and sweaty, surely one of the members would notice, so he quickly went back to his room, relieved to find out that chan and seungkwan were still asleep. he then took out a clean shirt from his closet and changed it, throwing the old shirt into the laundry basket.
he then lied down on his bed, pretending to be asleep until someone would call on him to wake up.
//
luckily, junhui managed to get some sleep. when he woke up, his whole body felt like it was burning, he couldn’t be bothered about it, he just wanted to get to practice.
today was the official day they would be filming a dance practice video and some behind the scene parts for inside seventeen. junhui made sure he doesn’t do anything silly. he remembers those comments for the behind the scene for the "hit" dance practice video, everyone was praising his stamina and his energy, he felt so accomplished and wanted to create the same impression for this time, so he could finally redeem himself for the embarrassing incident that happened before.
junhui went to the kitchen, only to find out that all the members had finished eating their breakfast and they were ready to go to practice. he quickly prepared his meal as he sat quietly on the kitchen counter.
“hey junhui, are you okay?” joshua asked, looking concerned.
“what’s with the weird question, of course, i am okay.”
“well, you look a little pale today, or maybe it’s just me.” he commented.
“hyung, it’s okay i am perfectly fine. anyways, i’ll see you later in the practice room, bye.”
joshua hesitated for a moment before he went off.
junhui finally reached the practice room and everyone was ready. they first started by doing some simple warm-ups.
suddenly, junhui felt his head was throbbing but he decides to ignore it.
“alright, let’s go through the dance one more time before we start filming the dance practice, okay?” hoshi said and the other members nodded.
if junhui could describe torture, maybe this was it. he felt dizzy and the other members checked on him to see whether he was okay. at times, he could feel his body start to sway.
finally, it was time to film the dance practice, it was time for him to shine.
junhui thinks the universe hates him as right when the cameras start rolling, his vision starts to blur.
//
there was a loud thud which made all the members freeze due to the shock. the whole room was silent and the only thing that can be heard is the music coming through soonyoung’s speakers.
everyone was staring in a certain direction.
soonyoung ran to his speaker and stopped the music.
“junhui, are you okay?” seungcheol asked.
there was no response.
“i swear if this is one of your jokes hyung, it isn’t funny.” seungkwan annoyingly said.
still no response.
then, panic arises in the whole practice room. seungcheol and jihoon repeatedly told the staff members to stop filming while the others tend to the unconscious boy.
“his body temperature is so high.” jeonghan cried.
“i’ll bring him back to the dorms, if his condition gets any worse, we’ll send him to the a&e” joshua reassured.
jeonghan nodded as joshua carried junhui piggyback style. his head leaned against one of joshua’s shoulders.
“please text me how he is.” seokmin shouted as joshua walked out of the room. he turned back to the worried crowd as he tried his best to give a reassuring smile and nodded.
joshua blamed himself, after all, he was the first member to notice that something was wrong with junhui. he should’ve forced him to stay in bed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
when he finally reached junhui’s room, he made junhui lie down on his own bed, he then went out and took an ice pack and a glass of water.
he put the ice pack on junhui’s head and he put the glass of water beside him. after that, he sat on chan’s bed which was opposite of junhui’s. joshua was going to stay with him until he wakes up.
//
junhui woke up a few hours later, he couldn’t remember how he had gotten into his room, the last thing he remembered was filming the dance practice with his members.
junhui sat up and he saw joshua who was asleep. he felt the ice pack slide down his face and he had figured out what had happened. gosh, that was probably so embarrassing, junhui could only bury his face with his hands in shame.
slowly, joshua opened his eyes.
“hey junhui, you’re awake, are you feeling better now?”
junhui nodded and he asked, “what about you, you seem tired, you should go and rest.”
joshua shook his head “i’m not tired.”
“it’s ok hyung, i can take care of myself, i will go back to practice later.”
“wen junhui, you literally passed out and you are having a fever, i will not allow you to go back until you are completely healed.”
damn it. joshua thought once he saw the panic in junhui’s eyes. he needs to find a way to stop the panic.
“jun, you aren’t yourself these days, what happened? if you aren’t comfortable answering, then it’s ok.”
junhui just looked down. good, this is the chance for you to say how you are feeling, maybe shua hyung can give you advice. you’re such a wuss for not saying your problems.
“it’s just-”
yes, keep going. junhui thought.
however, junhui kept repeating and stuttering the same two words as his breathing started to get faster.
suddenly, junhui felt like he was breathless.
his eyes were glassy and joshua didn’t know what to do.
think, joshua, think. he said trying to calm himself down as the younger started to hyperventilate.
joshua then went over to junhui and gently rubbed his back.
“jun-ah, breathe with me.”
junhui followed suit, finally, his breathing started to slow down. he then started to flop to the front, luckily joshua was there to catch him.
did jun secretly had panic attacks? was he suffering through this alone? joshua couldn’t help but feel sorry for the boy.
he was probably sick, that’s why he passed out again.
joshua regretted trying to force junhui to share his problems with him even though the latter wasn’t comfortable. junhui was probably annoyed at him and joshua felt like he should just leave so he doesn’t bother junhui anymore. he probably would call jeonghan to take care of him. joshua stood up from chan’s bed and walked out to the door.
hopefully, everything will be better when he wakes up
//
joshua sat down on the sofa in the living room, he decided to watch some comedy shows on netflix, hoping that can make him feel better.
it didn’t work.
no matter how funny the scenes were, joshua didn’t crack a smile let alone burst into laughter. he was too busy worrying about junhui.
“hey shua, junnie is looking for you.” jeonghan called out as he walked out of the room.
“what’s the time?”
“it’s 4.pm. why?
oh my god. he’s been sitting on the sofa for hours, he felt so "productive". he knew he should be practicing with the others but he felt so drained emotionally.
“what does he need me for?”
“apparently, he wants to talk to you.”
shit. junhui probably called on him to give him a scolding for his impatience that afternoon.
as if jeonghan could read his mind, he said “don’t worry shua, junnie doesn’t scold anyone, you should know better yourself.”
“just try to be patient with him.” he continued. “he seems pretty worn out.”
joshua nodded and muttered his thanks as he headed towards junhui’s room.
//
“come in,” junhui said after he heard the knocks from his door.
joshua slowly opened the door, and he stood at the entrance for quite some time.
“why are you standing there, i said come in,” junhui said, the lower half of his body was covered by his blanket and every word he said sounds like he was out of breath. however his face wasn't as pale as before.
joshua came into the room and closed the door, he then proceeded to sit on chan’s bed again.
it was awkward between the both of them. junhui finally broke the silence by apologizing
“hyung, i’m so sorry for panicking just now, it was a simple question to answer and yet i couldn’t do it. i’m so sorry… i knew you were worried and-”
“no,no. i should be the one apologizing, i was practically demanding an answer from you even though you were uncomfortable with it.”
junhui didn’t say anything, he just nodded.
“i can finally answer your question now.”
joshua made sure not to say anything, he doesn’t want junhui to pass out for the third time today.
“can you sit with me?”
“sure.”
joshua made his way to junhui’s bed as he made space for the older.
junhui then rested his head on joshua’s shoulder.
“we can stay like this for a while, right?”
“yes, we can.”
he heard junhui take a deep sigh before he said.
“i just couldn’t feel good about myself, i feel that i am just an average person, i feel that i couldn’t catch up with you guys. all of you are amazing, like all of you have your own moments or aspects that you are proud of, and here i am with nothing. i’m not handsome enough, i’m not good enough at singing, i can’t rap. i’m just not specifically good at anything and i feel so lost and useless. sometimes, i feel so jealous of you guys and i feel like i’m such a horrible person, i feel like i shouldn’t let my jealousy get into me.”
joshua wanted to say something but junhui continued.
“i don’t even know why, but i had always felt the need to be first, that way i can make myself feel better but it’s so hard to be number one. i just want to stop this feeling, i just want to feel confident in myself.”
the room was silent again and junhui was glad that he was able to share his issues with someone.
joshua then heard small sobs, junhui was crying. joshua then cupped junhui's face with both of his hands, making the younger shocked while his tears were still flowing non-stop. joshua then used one of his hands to wipe his tears.
“junhui, firstly, it’s brave of you to share your thoughts with me and i’m really honored to be the one you share your problems with.”
“you’re such an amazing person junhui, whenever one of us is feeling down, you always make us feel better. do you remember that one time after the rehearsals, all of us were so exhausted, yet you tried to brighten up the mood. you gave us motivation that day and we gave a really excellent performance. you know the exact things to say. stuff like these could honestly be a challenge for me and i have to admit, sometimes i would feel jealous of your skill.”
“you can find confidence without needing to win, as long as you just be yourself and enjoy the stage, the confidence will come naturally. i know it’s easier said than done but i believe you can do it.”
“also, when you are struggling with anything, please find us. you always listen to our problems, i believe we should listen to yours too, sharing problems doesn’t signify us as a weak person, in fact, it makes us stronger. please don’t bottle up your feelings anymore. if anything happens, we’re here for you.”
joshua can hear a small chuckle coming from junhui.
“i’ll think about it, hyung. thank you” he whispered.
joshua nodded and he walked out of the room.
“i’ll see you at dinner then.”
“bye hyung.”
if this was a race, junhui felt that he was alongside someone, that person held his hand, and soon the both of them sprinted to where the other members were.
junhui could finally see the finish line, he was so close to his destination.
he wasn’t alone, he has his members and most importantly, he has joshua.
he doesn’t have to be the first by himself now, he has his twelve brothers with him.
surely, things couldn’t turn better overnight, junhui just hoped that everything will be at its best.
he will slowly try to find his confidence.
and maybe those jealous thoughts could stop coming.
finally, junhui felt somewhat good for himself.