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He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved - hanya yanagihara
James never thought he was clueless.
At least not until fourth year. Which was when Sirius had broken up with Emmeline Vance. They had been going out for about a year but to James it seemed as if Sirius had never been, well, serious about it.
When Sirius had broken up with Emmeline he took comfort in spending time with Remus. It didn't bother James, it was just confusing. Until a specific moment in their dorm room.They were all making jokes about some insignificant thing and Sirius had laid his head on Remus's lap, Remus pretended like he hadn't noticed, a polite smile on his face, but James could see more in his eyes. Yet the atmosphere in the room hadn't changed. It felt like such a private moment, he had to look away, so as to feel like he wasn't intruding. It was just a tiny moment, a glimmer into their heads and hearts but after that, he wasn't sure how he hadn’t noticed.
That tiny moment changed everything and he started to think back but James couldn’t quite recall when it first started, to him it felt like it had been that way since the beginning.
He couldn’t remember a time without the longing stares, the endless bickering, the smiles of admiration, the occasional jealous glances. James knew what love looked like, what it felt like. The looks of desire, the non stop pining, and maybe it was a bit different for Remus and Sirius than it was for him.
And maybe that's why they chose to never do anything about it. He knew it would be harder for them, and god, how he hated that.
Watching Sirius fall in love with their best friend had been unexpected, yet it made complete sense.
He had come to realize that Sirius had been slowly falling in love with Remus the whole time,
and it was so clear to anyone paying even the slightest amount of attention that Remus and Sirius were so desperately in love with each other. It was one of those “We complete each other” things and James knew the feeling all too well.
Lily was to James what Remus was to Sirius.
But of course it wasn’t the same, James was coming to terms with the fact that lily may never love him the way he loved her. Which was… okay. He wasn’t happy about it but if he couldn’t have what he so desperately wanted, he would make sure Sirius sure as hell did.
Sexuality wasn’t something James had put much thought into, he hadn't ever loved anyone besides Lily, sure he cared about people but that was different, and maybe he had the privilege of not having to worry too much about the fallout because he knew that sometimes things came a little easier to him than others. He had two loving parents that would not care about things like that, who would listen and understand and love him anyways because “That doesn't change the way we feel about you, son”. James knew that neither Sirius nor Remus had that type of stability at home
The times they were in didn’t make matters any better.
James could see how easy it would be to fall in love with Remus Lupin, he'd never met anyone else like him, so kind and trusting and caring, everything that he had been through hadn’t changed who he was at his core, it only made it stronger. He supposed that Remus was just one of those people.
There truly was a sheer beauty in loving Remus lupin.
He was like a way out, and maybe James didn’t love him the same way Sirius did but he could imagine what that would feel like.
After that moment in the common room, it was easier for James to notice the small things that would happen between the pair when they thought no one was looking.
Eye contact that went a little too long, laughs that were a little too hard, hugs that were a little too tight.
And then the drunken conversation happened.
“Prongs, I think I'm in love with him...” Sirius plopped his head on James' shoulder and let out an exasperated sigh.
Gryffindor had just won a quidditch match against Hufflepuff and that always led to a celebratory party that usually started and finished with Sirius downing a whole bottle of firewhiskey on his own.
At this point the party had died down and there was no one in the common room besides Sirius and himself. The realization of what Sirius had just said made him sit up correctly. He knew he had to approach the topic cautiously because he knew that this wasn’t something Sirius would tell him if he was sober.
“How do you know?”
“I don’t knowww mate, my heart just feels like it wants to jump out anytime he looks at me, you know? Is that normal? Does it happen to you when Evans gets all worked up after you compliment her?”
James smiled at the thought “Yeah, actually… Have you noticed when she gets mad there's a little v right between her eyebrows? It's barely there but I've always wanted to run my thumb across it.”
“Yeah..” Sirius laughed lightly “Remus has this thing with freckles. They’re always more visible at the beginning of term, cause of the sun, buuut sometimes if you look really really closely you can still see them.” Sirius smiled fondly. “You know when you’ve just gone through something and all you want to do is keep it in and move on with your life? But you know you have to drown in the pain before you can finally start to heal?” James nodded thoughtfully.
“Remus makes me feel like that, it’s like I was drowning my whole life and just when I thought I wouldn’t make it, you all showed up. He showed up.”
“It's kind of like if I wasn’t alive before him.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “Prongs? What should I do?”
James stared at him for a moment. “I think that you love him.” he smiled at sirius.
“Blimey James, you really are so unhelpful sometimes.” Sirius rolled his eyes, laughing.
“Alright alright, what's stopping you from just going for it?”
The playful mood between the pair had gone away. “Any time I let myself think that way all I can hear is my mothers voice saying ‘ Toujours Pur Sirius!!! ’. I don't know James, it just feels wrong.”
“To hell with your mother and to hell with ‘Toujours Pur’!!! How can loving someone be wrong Sirius? There's stuff you need to work out on your own because most of that shite is internal, but if what's stopping you is how everyone else will feel then you'll never be happy, and mate, you really deserve that.”
James looked over at Sirius and took a deep breath. “What everyone else thinks? It doesn't matter. You don't owe anyone anything. Just remember that alright?”
Sirius nodded, leaning his head back on James' shoulder.
“Thanks, prongs.”