Archive of Our Own

Sunwoo thinks back to winter on days like today, where the heat is blistering and his school is buzzing, no matter the time. Sunwoo much prefers the gentle quiet and the shivering winds over the excessive sun and aching bones caused solely by the heatwaves of summer. Despite this, summer did use to be his favourite season, memories filled with weekends in fields and bike rides after school, but he thinks that the same reason for his current hatred is the same reason for his past love; 

Eric . 

It’s been over a decade since their childhood meeting, when the Sohn family had moved into the same complex, right next door to Sunwoo, and their mothers had introduced them to each other. Whilst Eric always says he can’t remember that day, Sunwoo can still recall it all with startling clarity. 

He remembers his mum making him press the doorbell, hands occupied with a homemade dish she had made as soon as she spotted the moving van the day prior. He remembers the door unlocking, having to stand to the side as the two women talked while he felt more and more awkward and bored. He remembers a boy, nudged out from around the corner, hissing something back to presumably his sibling as Sunwoo’s eyes focus on fluffy blonde hair resting upon bright red ears. 

All he remembers after that is a crooked smile and his own hummingbird heart. 

---

Sunwoo is jolted out of his reminiscing by someone bumping into him, and he watches as that someone runs ahead to their group of friends higher up the road, as the street is filled with their laughter and chatter. He can’t help the pang of loneliness that strikes through him, though dulled down minimally from how used to the feeling he is now. 

Sunwoo wasn’t necessarily popular as a kid, but as he grew older he found his circle of friends growing smaller and smaller. He blames it mainly on the onslaught of teenage hormones and questioning of identities, alongside the overall dislike he felt towards his classmates for reasons he doesn’t like to think about. 

This all meant that his morning walks to school ( and general social activities ) were spent alone. The very, very small number of friends he has left, all go to different schools yet some are able to take the same train route together. Sunwoo lives on the other side of town from the others, and even though he can take the train, it’s much too expensive for two trips a day.

So instead, he walks each morning and afternoon to and from school, with only his headphones to fill the silence. Although it’s been like this since he entered high school, he still finds himself watching people like the group in front of him with something akin to longing, as he wanders into the school gates. 

Walking to his classroom, Sunwoo is reminded of another thing he absolutely hates. The door isn’t open fully, but the distinct noise of his laughter leaks out and Sunwoo is so close to turning right back around and skipping homeroom, but knowing he’s already gotten three calls home this week for the same reason, he only sighs and slides the door open. 

His eyes stay glued to the floor, and he's thankful that his bangs cover his eyes so he's somewhat shielded from the stares that follow him and also his own stare from latching onto the cluster of boys in the centre of the room. He doesn't bother stopping at his locker, instead choosing to go straight to his seat at the back of the room. He’d originally been assigned a few rows ahead, next to Doyeon, but swapped with Yoojung who had been more than happy to switch. 

Sunwoo plops himself down into his chair and folds his arms on the table to rest his head on, preferring to catch up on missed sleep than obsess over whether or not his classmates are talking about him. The peace doesn’t last long though, as his deskmate, Yangyang, shakes him awake when the teacher calls his name. 

The two of them aren’t exactly friends, more just companions who help each other out occasionally, but the teacher has long known that Sunwoo is never going to stay awake during homeroom yet Yangyang still tries. He grumbles out a response and immediately puts his head back down. He stiffens, however, all traces of sleepiness gone, as he hears a few people chuckle across the room. He can feel the anxiety brewing in his stomach and his face heating, and he just can’t wait for this fucking class to be over, oh my god. 

Luckily for Sunwoo, the bell rings less than a minute later, and his teacher for Social Studies tends to ignore the fact that he isn't paying attention, so he always uses it as a period to nap. The warmth of the room doesn't help either, windows left open to allow the breeze in so as to not have the air conditioner on for too long, but in turn, letting in mass amounts of humid air. He finds himself nodding off to the buzzing of cicadas and the sun rays on his head.

However, a hand on his back wakes him up, rousing him from his nap. He keeps his eyes closed as he wiggles to get the hand off of him, while he huffs, “Yangyang, leave me alone.”

“Not Yangyang, sorry!”

Sunwoo’s eyes open almost as fast as he sits up. He makes eye contact with him and instantly feels too many things at once. The silence stretches for a bit, before-

“Sunwoo?” 

Sunwoo’s face flushes, and before he realises, he’s already bolting out of the classroom. 

His heart burns from exhaustion, but the shame is an inferno in comparison. 

He finds himself at the third-floor bathroom, unused except for the occasional smoker who may wander in but considering it’s only 10:30 AM, Sunwoo is pretty certain he has the room to himself. It’s one of the places he frequents most in the school, second to the roof where he usually spends his breaks and most of his class time. 

Unfortunately, the summer heat is too much for the roof with all the direct sunlight and warm air that flows up there, so he decides against it today. Nevertheless, the bathroom is still nice, with its constant cool air and sterile environment ( no one has ever used this bathroom for its proper purpose since an incident with a past student and some underclassman; it involved a lot of swearing and body fluids. Sunwoo still shivers when he thinks about it ). 

He settles inside the stall furthest from the entrance and locks the stall door. In his panic he hadn’t grabbed his backpack, so he’ll have to go back to the classroom later to grab it which makes him sigh. Luckily, he has his phone and headphones, so he shuts the lid of the toilet and sits down, back to the stall wall and feet up, as he fiddles with his phone. 

Hearing some students outside on the field it clicks that he must have had sport this period, which was the reason why he woke him up. Thinking about it causes humiliation to swim in his mind, and he refuses to think about it any further. 

It’s been almost three years since they’ve spoken to each other, so why does he think it’s okay to all of a sudden speak to Sunwoo after ignoring him for so long? 

It’s not fair. 

---

After that first meeting, Sunwoo and Eric were inseparable. Due to their mothers becoming good friends and their close distance, they spent every moment possible together. They were enrolled into the same middle school, and they thrived . Once the two of them turned 10, they were allowed to walk to and from school and do what they wished after school within reason (Sunwoo had bartered for a curfew of 9 PM rather than the original 7 PM, stating that it was what they deserved considering Sunwoo had to wait for 8 months until Eric also turned 10. Their mothers gave in after he gave his sixth speech that week). 

Sunwoo would drag Eric around to the soccer fields and in return, Eric would force Sunwoo to the baseball fields, and both times the other would complain about how “ boring” or “ lame ” the sport was respectively, but always stay until the sun had gone down and curfew had long ended.

It was on Eric’s 12th birthday that he was gifted a bike, something he’d been begging for for months, ever since his older sister had gotten one for her 12th birthday the year before. Sunwoo had never really been interested, finding them mildly scary and unnecessary, but seeing how happy Eric had been made him smile and promise to help Eric learn to ride it ( even though he also didn’t know how to ride, but as the “older” of the two, he automatically agreed to help ). 

However, Eric’s mum banned him from riding during winter, stating that the weather was too cold and the roads too slippery for Eric's first time riding. Thus, it was forgotten about until their summer holidays, when during one of their movie marathons a character was shown biking home from school and Eric had rushed down to their garage at the speed of light. Sunwoo was forced to follow, knowing exactly what the other was thinking of doing and that without any supervision he’d end up with scraped knees and tears. 

So while the sun was setting, the two of them set out to one of the quieter and steeper streets in their suburb and Eric mounted the bike. From what Sunwoo had learnt from Eric’s older sister, he just had to hold on and push Eric while he peddled before secretly letting go and letting the younger continue. It was successful from the first try, and Sunwoo couldn’t help the spike of happiness that ran through him at how proud he was of Eric. 

When Eric finally sensed something was off, he was already at the bottom of the road and hopping off his bike to turn back and yell at Sunwoo, ripping his helmet off and waving at him. His hair was ruffled atrociously from the helmet, and his face was flushed with not only excitement but also the heat of the evening, but none of this stopped the ear to ear smile on Eric’s face, and his incessant jumping and cheering. 

Sunwoo just laughed and laughed, as the summer sun bathed the two in a picture of euphoria.

---

Sunwoo had turned on an alarm for a few minutes after lunch ended, knowing that if he didn’t, he would’ve completely lost track of time and received a scolding from a teacher — or his parents. He can tell he doesn’t have long until the alarm goes off, from the sounds of students getting louder as they head to their classes, yet when the alarm rings he sits for a few minutes longer to ensure that he doesn’t run into anyone in the halls. 

After a considerable amount of time, Sunwoo unlocks the stall and checks his reflection, mussing his hair around a bit before exiting the bathroom. He doesn’t rush to his class, walking leisurely to waste as much time as possible. While he hates drawing attention to himself, he hates having to walk through the crowds of students more, especially since he has no friends to search for. 

The class is already halfway finished by the time Sunwoo sneaks in, his seat at the back convenient so that the students can't watch him as he crosses over to the other side of the room. He notices a hoodie laid out on top of his desk and chair and picks it up as he sits down. It definitely isn’t his, but it was placed purposely to appear like someone was sitting at this desk. Glancing over, Yangyang winks and smiles at him. 

“Thank you,” Sunwoo whispers, before pulling out his notebook and pencils. He’s fairly sure that he’s in history class right now, but chooses to just scribble nonsense than take notes, knowing that if he actually tried to focus he’d only end up feeling dozy again. 

Sunwoo may not be a fantastic student, but his grades are fairly high and he does enjoy writing, just not notes. His interest lies in the more creative side, able to jot down endless lyrics and mini poems for hours on end. Hence, he spends the next few hours writing, tuning out the droning of his teacher, until his pen has lost an ample amount of ink and his wrist is cramped. As he’s reading back over, the bell rings and he waits as the rest of the room scrambles to leave, shouts of farewells ringing around the room. 

When the last few have trickled out, Sunwoo starts putting his stuff back into his backpack and adjusting his headphones as he trudges out of the school. Thankfully it’s quiet now, everyone already headed off with others to hang out or walking home together. 

Sunwoo chuckles, it’s a Friday yet I’m just going to spend it alone in my room. It’s a routine he’s been familiar with since entering high school, but it still makes him laugh at himself. Sunwoo shakes his head, reminding himself that thoughts like this aren’t going to change anything, not at this point, so he rolls his shoulders and heads to a convenience store that’s far enough from the school that no one will be there, but still close enough to his house that it’s not too far of a walk home. 

Walking in, Sunwoo is immediately met with a harsh wave of artificial cold, and he sighs in relief. He allows himself a few seconds to enjoy the cool air in the foyer area until he realises that the cashier is definitely judging him and he’s also blocking the entrance from anyone else wanting to enter or exit. Sunwoo quickly scurries to the aisles, where he picks up an ice cream sandwich and pays as fast as humanly possible. 

God must have decided to make Sunwoo in ’s life a living hell today, however, because as he’s exiting the store he is also opening his ice cream, leading to him bumping into someone. The collision makes him stumble, but otherwise okay, but the other is knocked a little harder and their hands clutch onto Sunwoo’s arms to avoid falling. This is what causes Sunwoo to buckle slightly and his ice cream to fall right out of his hands. He stares longingly at the cracked fish wafer on the ground, the ice cream inside splattering around it as it melts at a rapid pace. 

There’s noise from those in front of him, some form of rambling apologies and laughter, but Sunwoo pays them no mind as he uses the discarded wrapper in his hand to pick up his treat, and plops it into the bin a few feet away. Finally, he looks at the offender for the murder of his ice cream sandwich, and his body freezes. 

Standing there is his group of friends. And him. 

Currently, they’re all still occupied with either soothing or cackling at Hyunsuk ( the murderer ), and Hyunsuk himself is arguing back at them and none of them are focusing on Sunwoo. He takes this chance to sneak away, dashing away as fast as he can. It isn’t exactly successful as one of them calls after him, but he’s already too far for any of them to catch up if they tried.

He keeps running until he reaches his apartment, chased not by people, but by an ache that refuses to remove the claws that it’s sunk into his heart. 

---

The first proper day of middle school is nerve-wracking, although Sunwoo doesn’t show it, aware that if he expresses his anxiety, then Eric will be scared as well and Sunwoo doesn’t want that. During their walk though, Eric shows no signs of being nervous or like he doesn’t want to go. On the contrary, he looks more than excited to be going, and Sunwoo can’t help but feel a little embarrassed. Eric has always been the sociable one, and Sunwoo has always tried to match him but finds himself falling behind ever so slightly. 

It’s not that he doesn’t like socialising, he just isn’t as constantly happy and hyper as Eric, preferring to pitch in with some sarcastic or teasing comments every once in a while when in a big group which, as the years went on, never went over as smoothly as they would when one-on-one with Eric. Sunwoo was never really bothered by this, but now as they enter their classroom with a new mix of students, he feels more scared than ever.

Thankfully, he’s good at controlling his expressions, and he goes for his resting face to appear nonchalant about the situation. Unlike him, Eric’s bouncing on spot and already running for his seat as assigned on the board. It’s then that Sunwoo’s blood goes cold. 

Right there on the board, it shows that for the first time since ever, Sunwoo and Eric are not deskmates. 

Frozen to the spot, Sunwoos eyes find Erics from across the room. Eric doesn’t seem outwardly as upset as Sunwoo is internally, already introducing himself to those around him, including his new deskmate.

“Sunwoo! Get over here!” Eric calls, waving his arm around as if Sunwoo can’t see him perfectly. 

He makes his way over, and Eric introduces him to the others for him. As they talk, he feels more and more out of place with the way all of them are able to feel so at ease with each other within 5 minutes of meeting each other. None of them makes an opening in the conversation for him, and he doesn’t care to chip in any of his opinions, instead left to stand behind Eric and listen. He’s almost grateful when the teacher comes in, but now he’s left to walk to his desk without any acknowledgement from Eric. 

He sits down, no deskmate in sight, as the teacher begins their school welcoming to the class and Sunwoo already feels bored. He’s taken to looking out the window, avoiding looking at both the teacher's stern gaze and Eric’s whispered discussions with those around him. 

While the teacher is wrapping up his long-winded speech, a student slides the door open with too much force for a middle-schooler. The noise makes everyone in the room jump, with Sunwoo being so startled he lets out a small screech that he’s glad to see goes unnoticed, everyone’s focus on the heaving boy in the doorway. 

“Sorry I’m late, teach! Had some trouble getting here,” the boy grins impishly, his gaze moving from the agitated teacher and to the board to find his seat. The teacher is muttering something about ‘ kids these days are so disrespectful ’, though the boy doesn’t respond and begins to make his way to his seat.

Which happens to be right next to Sunwoo.

“Hello! I’m Choi Yeonjun, what’s your name?” 

“...Kim Sunwoo.” 

The smile Yeonjun sends him reassures Sunwoo that maybe middle school won’t be all bad. 

---

Once his mum decides that he’s been moping inside his room for too long, she gives him an ultimatum of getting out of his room or cleaning up not just his room, but the rest of the apartment. Sunwoo is out of his bed and in the elevator in the blink of an eye, texting the few friends he has if he could hang out at theirs.

Unlike him, however, his friends already had planned prior to this because they actually have friendship groups which only makes Sunwoo slightly jealous. Right when Sunwoo was ready to admit defeat and mope while cleaning, he gets a text from Yeonjun asking if he was “ down to hang at mine? ” 

Shooting back an overly cute sticker that he’d bought specifically to annoy Yeonjun, he makes his way to the station and before he knows it, he’s at Yeonjun’s door. 

Sunwoo memorised the code for his apartment in middle school days, but stalls for a second for two reasons; one, he can hear noises from the inside indicating that there are others inside that he hadn’t been informed of and two, he hasn’t needed to input the code in a long while, so would it be weird if he entered without a word? His decision is made for him less than a minute later when Yeonjun ( who must have sensed him with his weird ‘friend radar’ ) opens up the door and smiles down at Sunwoo.

“You’re just in time, dude, get in here!” Yeonjun’s already made his way back inside his apartment, hollering over his shoulder as he heads to the kitchen. Sunwoo steps inside and takes off his shoes, a little reluctant towards the idea of talking to potential new people, and ventures out into where the source of the noise is coming from. A sigh escapes him when he sees mostly familiar faces, and he lets himself relax when Yeonjun returns and wraps an arm around his shoulder.

“Okay, so most of y’all know this guy, but for those who don’t, this is Sunwoo!” Yeonjun pinches his cheek, a habit he hasn’t given up no matter how much Sunwoo hates it. “We were best friends in middle school, but he goes to a different high school.”

With that initial introduction over, there’s a series of greetings around the room and the atmosphere loosens up as everyone settles down. Everyone’s gathered in the living space, draped everywhere from the couch to the floor, with a series of snacks strewn all over the place. Sensing Sunwoo’s confusion, Yeonjun leans into his ear and whispers, “We’re having a movie night and you came at the perfect time ‘cause we’re right about to start.” 

Sunwoo’s proud to say that he was only somewhat flustered from the hot breath that hits his ear. The proximity does send a small shiver down his spine though. 

“Ah, sounds good, Hyung,” Sunwoo responds, lowering his voice to match Yeonjun which makes them both grin. Yeonjun drags him over to a corner of the couch where he’d presumably been sitting, judging by the space for only one person. That doesn’t seem to faze the older, and he just drags Sunwoo down with him onto the minimal space available. With a bit of rearranging and stifled giggles, they end up in what is a fairly normal position for them.

Yeonjun’s always been overly affectionate, and though Sunwoo’s never been one for touch, he’s grown accustomed to it over the years. Yeonjun is sitting with his back against the arm of the couch, and Sunwoo is half laying on him and half dangling off the couch. He knows that as the movie progresses, he’ll end up maneuvered completely into Yeonjuns arms, but he again won’t be surprised by that. Once they’re comfy, Sunwoo finally takes in the people of the room to fully discern the ones he doesn’t recognise.

On the other side of the couch sits Jeno and another boy, cuddled together very similarly to Yeonjun and Sunwoo right now, and they’re in the middle of a discussion with Yeri who’s sitting on the ground in front of them. Moving to the side of the room is Giwook and Dongmyeong, in their own little bubble, dead silent compared to the ruckus in the centre, where Jihoon, Haechan and two others that he faintly recognises but can’t put his finger on who they are, are all shouting loudly. There are some others milling around, Eunbin and Bomin coming out of the kitchen with armfuls of snacks and a girl exiting the bathroom. Sunwoo tilts his head back to look at Yeonjun.

“Who are they?” He asks, making no reference to who ‘ they’ are because he’s sure Yeonjun understands.

“The one next to Jeno is Jaemin, they’ve been dating for a while now,” Yeonjun answers for him, turning Sunwoo’s head to each boy as he lists them off. “The super buff guy is Lucas, the shorter one is Dino, and she’s Chaeyoung.”

“I assume they go to your fancy art school then,” Sunwoo smirks as Yeonjun guffaws.

“Fancy? If anything, your school’s the fancy one, with your rich kid classmates and rules.” 

Sunwoo rolls his eyes, but their banter is cut off by Jihoon standing up.

“Okay, due to popular demand, we have chosen Gonjiam and none of you can complain!” Jihoon announces, having already got the movie set up on the screen. 

Protests fill the room, but Jihoon pays them no mind as he presses play. Sunwoo is trying to act unaffected, but he knows he’s going to be scared shitless no matter what so he distracts himself by playing with Yeonjuns hands. There’s a few chuckles and jumps around the room at the first few smaller jumpscares, but as the movie progresses, the whole room’s on edge. Every time Sunwoo flinches, he can feel Yeonjuns arms tighten while his chest rumbles with badly kept-in laughter. One jumpscare, in particular, pulls a strangled scream out of Sunwoo, along with three-quarters of the room. 

From then on, Sunwoo turns his body so he can hide his face in Yeonjun’s chest and he spends the rest of the film with his heart in his throat and arms around his soul.

---

The first year of middle school was... odd , to say the least. Eric and Sunwoo still walked to school together, and Sunwoo would walk next to Eric on his bike after school, but apart from that things were unusual. During school hours, Eric would be with his new friends, and Sunwoo would be dragged along until eventually leaving because no one except Eric seemed to want him there. He’d end up back in their classroom, and the cycle would repeat every day until he just never joins them and stays right inside the classroom. They still travelled together before and after school, but their once free-flowing conversation grew more stilted as Eric would recount what his friends and he had done and Sunwoo would listen in silence. 

It’s the first day of winter during his second year when things change. Sunwoo had been sitting in the classroom, elbow on desk and head in hand, watching the rain pour. If he looked, he could see kids playing outside and Eric is one of them, running around like a toddler on a sugar rush. He feels nothing but fond watching him, even if he wishes he was also down there, he’s content knowing that the younger is happy. 

His watching is interrupted, however, by raucous laughter in the hallway. It seems to be a group only walking past, so he doesn’t pay them any mind, but is jolted when the classroom door is slid open and the laughter dies down at the sight of him. Sunwoo had jerked at the suddenness but merely glanced at the group in the entranceway, hoping they hadn’t seen his surprise. There’s an awkward pause, the group’s volume diminishing and not really knowing if they should say anything to Sunwoo. The silence is broken shortly after, thankfully, by Yeonjun who popped out from the back of the group.

“Sunwoo! What are you doing in here?” Yeonjun asks, an easy smile on his face.

“It’s warmer inside,” Sunwoo explains, still on edge from the new people in the room who are whispering to each other and sending questioning glances his way every so often. He fidgets in his seat under their gaze, feeling as if he was doing something wrong by being in here. Yeonjun somehow detects his discomfort, as he hisses something to his friends, nudging the one closest to him in the stomach. 

“Don’t be scared of these dumbasses, I’m just here to grab my wallet,” Yeonjun clarifies as he walks over to his desk, searching for his phone. “We’re heading down to the school store, you want anything?” 

Sunwoo blinks, puzzled as to why Yeonjun would offer to buy anything for him. He hesitantly shakes his head.

“Well if you’re sure then okay, see you later dude!” And with that, Yeonjun and his friends leave and close the door behind them. 

The next day, Sunwoo finds himself dozing off at his desk, the rain against the window harder than it was yesterday, yet still comforting. His tranquillity is broken by the door once again being slid open, though Sunwoo is a bit shocked to see that the intruders are the same as yesterday, except Yeonjun’s leading them in today. Sunwoo doesn’t think he needs to say anything, closing his eyes again and ignoring their presence. He assumes that they’re just seeing refuge from the rain and that from the day before they must have realised that no one else except him comes in here. 

At least that’s what he thought.

“Hey, Sunwoo, you had anything for lunch yet?”

Sunwoo cracks an eye open to see Yeonjun leaning down on his right so that they’re at eye level. Not wanting to lift his head, he simply shakes his head and hopes the older stops pestering him. His hopes aren’t fulfilled, because the older then proceeds to gasp, “What? Why not?” 

“I don’t like going to the store, there’s too many people,” Sunwoo sighs, thinking he may as well answer, otherwise Yeonjun is never going to shut up.

“What if someone goes with you?” 

Sunwoo raises an eyebrow, confused by the questioning, “I guess that’d be okay, why?” 

“That settles it! Guys, we’re going to the store!” The older announces to his friends and straightens himself back upright. A surge of panic makes Sunwoo grip onto Yeonjuns sleeve.

“Wait, no, you don’t have to, it's fine,” Sunwoo protests, worried that he’s made everyone feel obligated to go. 

“Sunwoo, I want to, okay?” Yeonjun puts a hand over the one still clutched onto his sleeve.

“But…what about them?” He isn’t sure how to voice his concerns, remaining fairly vague in his questioning as he stares at the others who are all watching the scene in front of them. 

They obviously hear Sunwoo, and the replies that come his way make him freeze like a deer in headlights. They’re overlapping each other, but all of them are positive, not a single negative response heard. 

“Dude, we wanna be your friends, of course we’ll go with you,” one guy silences the others, and answers for them all.

Flustered, Sunwoo turns his head only to make eye contact with Yeonjun.

“Let’s go, yeah?” 

Along the way, Sunwoo forgets about Eric just for that lunchtime and enjoys this moment, where he’s filled with unrestrained bliss rather than unrequited yearning.   

---

Sunwoo is awoken by a faint noise emitting from the kitchen, bleary eyes cracking open and head stuffy as he tries to recognise his surroundings. It takes him a second, but he gathers that he must have fallen asleep during the film, and the others either headed home or fell asleep right where they were, judging by the humanoid shapes scattered around the room that he can see thanks to the kitchen light. 

Sitting up, he notices that Yeonjun’s arms aren’t around him anymore and then registers that Yeonjun isn’t even on the couch anymore. Sunwoo, still hazy from sleep, hears another noise and decides to investigate. He stumbles his way over the mess of people on the floor and as he gets closer to the kitchen, his eyes take a second to adjust to the bright light but he keeps walking anyway. His vision is still mildly obstructed, but he can now see Yeonjun standing over the stove as a pot boils. Sunwoo walks over to the counter and sits down next to the stovetop, still trying to fully wake up, and he tilts his head to look down at the pot. 

“What are you doin’?” he rasps out, throat dry and riddled with sleep. 

Yeonjun’s lip quirks up, “I woke up craving ramen. Want some?”

Sunwoo nods, causing his bangs to fall into his eyes. His hands are warm underneath his thighs, so he tries blinking rapidly and shaking his head to move it out of the way. 

A snicker from Yeonjun is all the warning Sunwoo gets before the older is standing in between his legs and adjusting his bangs for him. He strokes them back, attempting to part it enough so that it won’t get in his eyes anymore, but it keeps falling back. 

The more he tries, the more it delves into Yeonjun just messing with the younger’s hair, while Sunwoo bats his hands and the two of them are muffling their laughter and failing terribly at it. Their mini-battle is paused when Yeonjun notices the water is finished boiling and adds in the noodles. He walks to the other side of the kitchen and rummages around, turning around triumphantly with two pairs of chopsticks in one hand and some bobby pins in the other. 

“You just keep those in your cutlery drawer?” Sunwoo raises an eyebrow, looking up at the elder’s face which is scrunched in concentration as he fixes Sunwoo’s hair properly. 

“I have these bad boys sprinkled all over the house,” he replies smugly. “You never know when you’ll need them.”

Sunwoo hums, “Ah yes, ‘cause hair emergencies always occur in the kitchen.”

He receives a slap on the shoulder for that one.

“Instead of criticising my organisation, how about you be helpful and grab some bowls.” 

“Yessir,” Sunwoo mock salutes him as he jumps off of the counter. 

A few minutes later, the two of them are settled at the small table Yeonjun has, adjacent to the kitchen entrance, and they eat in comfortable silence, the only noises being the scraping of chopsticks on ceramic and light snores from their friends. Taking a glance at the clock that’s hanging next to the fridge, the numbers 1:20 stare back at him. Shocked, Sunwoo ends up almost choking on his noodles as he runs for his phone. Turning it on, he groans at the messages from his mum. She’s not entirely upset that he hasn’t responded, but a text reading “ If you aren’t home by 2:30, you can have fun cleaning up the apartment for the next week ”, gives a different message. 

Yeonjun, as always, knows exactly what’s happening, and when Sunwoo turns back to the table, the older is placing their empty bowls into the sink. Sunwoo slips into his shoes and pulls on his coat, twisting his neck to call out a goodbye only to see Yeonjun right behind him donning his own coat. His startlement must be obvious because Yeonjun tilts his head to the side.

“You didn’t think I’d just let you walk home alone did you?” The older speaks with a tone of joking disbelief. 

“You know you don’t have to, Hyung.” 

“I know,” the older’s expression softens, “But I want to, Sunwoo.” 

The two of them are bathed in the glow from the dingy flickering light of the entranceway in a moment that doesn’t feel temporal, yet Sunwoo can’t help but wish someone else was the cause of the fluttering butterflies in his stomach. 

---

Middle school is over in the blink of an eye, his last few years spent creating memories of joy and comfort with people who loved him, with the occasional stiff interaction with Eric. In their last year, they stopped their morning and afternoon travels completely, and Sunwoo cried for a full hour in Yeonjuns bedroom after Eric had confronted him after school the first day they officially stopped. 

“I don’t want to be mean, but I think we should stop walking to school together,” Eric had dragged Sunwoo outside the school, near the sports equipment room, right as the last bell of the day had gone off. 

“Why?” Sunwoo’s been expecting this for months, but he still wants an explanation. 

“Well,” Eric looks slightly sheepish, adamantly avoiding eye contact. “I’m sure you know why, do I really have to explain?”

“No, I don’t think I do know, Eric, so tell me.” Sunwoo refuses to let the younger off the hook, not after he tarnished their years of friendship.

“Fine! We’ve just grown apart, okay?” Eric bursts, finally making eye contact. “I know we’re childhood friends and all, but you can’t keep clinging to me like this!”

Sunwoo falters, and his blood boils.

“I’ve been clinging to you? Sorry, Eric, I didn’t know I wasn’t permitted to be in your presence anymore, I must have missed the memo,” Sunwoo snarls, the resentment inside of him spilling out with each word. “And grown apart ? You’re the one who up and ditched me the first chance you got Eric, that’s not ‘ growing apart ’, that’s fucking abandonment.” 

Eric looks uncomfortable, but Sunwoo refuses to feel guilty. 

“So what’s the real reason, Eric?”

If Eric had a response, he doesn’t get to say it because someone calls his name from around the corner and the younger looks conflicted.

“Just go, Eric,” Sunwoo sighs. “You’ve said all you need to.”

Eric runs off, while Sunwoo stays right there, sliding down onto the floor where he wraps his arms around his legs and buries his head into his knees. That’s how Yeonjun finds him, pathetic and miserable, curled into a ball on the grassy ground. The older coaxes him to walk home with him, and that’s how he finds himself staining Yeonjun’s shoulder with copious amounts of tears.

When he finally stops, he apologises over and over for ruining Yeonjun’s shirt, but the older just hushes him as he prepares some cringy, badly-made romcom on his laptop for them to watch on his bed. He wraps a blanket around Sunwoo’s shoulders, and Sunwoo has never been more grateful for someone in his life. 

They both fall asleep, tangled in the sheets and limbs intertwined, but are awoken by Sunwoo’s mum asking where he was and why he wasn’t home yet, which spurs him into a panic. He shoots back an explanation, and his mum isn’t really placated but as long as he gets home in the next 45 minutes he shouldn't be too badly punished. Hopefully. 

Yeonjun walks him to the lobby of his apartment and stays to watch Sunwoo until he can no longer see him ( the older insisted, even though they’re the same age and it really doesn’t change anything if Yeonjun watches him or not ). 

Once Sunwoo is a couple of metres away and no longer under the lights that shine from Yeonjun’s apartment does he realise just how dark it really is. Sunwoo’s walked around at night plenty of times before, but that was always with Eric. Now though, he feels on edge and uncomfortable, and he stops for a second to try and calm down. He breathes deeply and slowly to calm his rising anxiety but to no luck, and he practically screams when he feels a hand come down on his shoulder.

He whirls around ready to attack whoever has snuck up behind him, only to see Yeonjun behind him with his hands raised in surrender. 

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to scare you,” Yeonjun rushes out, obviously not having expected Sunwoo to be so startled. “I thought something was wrong cause you were just standing here.”

“Ah sorry, Hyung!” Sunwoo had thought that Yeonjun had already gone inside, and now he feels mortified that the older had seen him stand on the spot for what must have been a couple of minutes. “I’m fine, you don’t have to worry.”

Yeonjun clearly doesn’t believe him, scrutinizing Sunwoo who averts eye contact, eyes glued on the tallers shoes. He finds whatever he was looking for and exhales loudly. 

“If you were scared you should’ve just said so, Sunwoo.”

“I’m not scared!” Sunwoo says indignantly, though the both of them are very aware that he’s lying.

Yeonjun laughs and ruffles his hair, to which Sunwoo grumbles and the older takes a few steps forward. Leaning over his shoulder he yells, “Let’s race, short stack!” 

“We’re literally the same height, asshole!” 

Yeonjun’s already halfway up the street by the time Sunwoo starts running, the two of them illuminated by dim street lights as their laughter fills the streets. 

---

The walk is mostly silent with some chatter here and there, both of them not wanting to disturb the calm of the night, happy to just walk side-by-side and observe the city around them. Sunwoo loves this time of night, but due to how terrified of being alone in the dark he is, he’s stuck just watching from his bedroom window on bustling weekend nights when the city is at its peak and there are countless lights and noises swimming through the air despite the distance. Now, however, when he’s actually walking through the streets he so keenly watches, the noises aren’t so loud and the lights aren’t nearly as bright, yet he still feels at peace with Yeonjun next to him. 

Yeonjun nudges him with his elbow, capturing Sunwoo’s attention as they turn into his street. The younger turns his head as Yeonjun speaks.

“We should do this more often.”

“Yeah! It was fun seeing everyone, it’s been way too long,” Sunwoo grins at the older, happy at the prospect of being able to see the others on a hopefully more regular basis. 

“I mean, yeah that too, but I was more referring to this, when it’s just us two.” Yeonjun slows down, putting a hand on Sunwoo’s arm to keep him in place. 

“Oh…”

“I’ve really missed you Sunwoo,” Yeonjun confesses, holding eye contact with Sunwoo as the younger tries to piece together a response.

“Yeonjun, I-”

A shout cuts him off.

“Sunwoo!”

He spins around at the speed of light as his heart picks up speed because he recognises that voice.

“Eric?”

The boy in question stops a couple of metres away from him, chest heaving as he catches his breath from his presumed sprint. 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Eric?” Sunwoo is a mix of agitated and confused, already fed up by the younger and wanting nothing more than to walk up to his apartment and collapse in his bed. 

“Uh, well,” Eric stammers, obviously not expecting this hostility. 

“Spit it out, Eric,” Yeonjun jumps in, making Sunwoo turn his head back to him with furrowed eyebrows, unsure as to why Yeonjun decided to cut in.

Eric's expression shutters at Yeonjun’s interference and the two lock eyes. 

“Your mum was at mine and she said you were walking back,” Eric finally explains, firmly facing Yeonjun and not even glancing in Sunwoo’s direction. “And I know you’re scared of the dark so I came out to walk with you.”

Yeonjun’s grip on his arm tightens as Sunwoo feels something in him snap.

“How dare you.” 

“What?” Eric’s gaze finally focuses on him.

“How fucking dare you, Eric,” Sunwoo has had enough of biting his tongue for the last three years, avoiding any contact and keeping his head down. He’s tired of it all.

“Who gave you the right to worry about me, after all the shit you’ve put me through, huh? You treat me like fucking dirt for three whole years, and now you suddenly decide you care about me?” Sunwoo’s yelling now, but he doesn’t care, not when the rage in his mind is all-consuming and he wants Eric to hurt.

“Sunwoo, no, that’s not-” Eric attempts to cut in, but Sunwoo refuses to give him the satisfaction.

“Not what, Eric? Not true? Because we both know that’s a fucking lie,” Sunwoo takes a moment to breathe and only then does he notice Yeonjun’s been whispering something to him, probably telling him to calm down, and that makes Sunwoo even madder. He shakes him off, and stalks off towards his apartment. 

He’s stopped in his tracks by a hand on his arm, and he whips his head to Eric whose face screams desperation to say something. 

Sunwoo yanks his arm back and lets the pain trapped in his heart bleed into his expression as he sneers at the younger.

“Stop clinging to me, Eric.” 

Sunwoo picks up his pace and doesn’t stop until he’s in his bed and trapped under the covers, surrounded in darkness as he chases after sleep, but the hurt expression on Eric’s face as he reeled back is ingrained in his brain and keeps playing in his mind like a shitty film. 

Sunwoo doesn’t sleep, too occupied with the bitter taste in his mouth and the stinging in his heart. 

---

Sunwoo’s mindset heading into high school is that it’s going to be the worst years of his life, and he’s right. Yeonjun and the rest of their friends had all gone to different high schools but while some of the others ended up enrolling in the same school, Sunwoo was left alone. He had nearly had a fit in Yeonjun’s room when he’d first told him that he was planning on attending some well-known art school, though he came around after Yeonjun promised they’d catch up at least once a week. 

However, the worst thing to come out of high school so far was that he technically wasn’t alone, made painfully clear when he stepped into homeroom for the first time and made eye contact with Eric. 

He wondered if it was too late to transfer schools.

They’re about a couple of months into the year when Sunwoo is confronted by a group of boys while on his way to class. They stand huddled around him to appear threatening, but it’s difficult to be intimidated when he’s taller than all of them, so he sighs and resigns himself to listen to some mediocre bullying attempts while he comes up with an excuse for his teacher as for why he was late. 

Sunwoo zones out their voices, hoping that his blatant disregard for them all will get them to let him leave, which is going pretty well until there’s a lull in chatter and one boy at the back decides to pipe up.

“Maybe he’s gay.”

The silence makes Sunwoo tremble ever so slightly. 

Other voices begin to pitch in, all with the same accusation that Sunwoo’s gay. He’s never thought too deeply about it, avoiding it with how he shoves the questions into a deep corner of his mind where they will remain until the day Sunwoo dies. He already has enough problems to deal with and exploring, let alone labelling, his sexuality can wait. 

What he does know, however, is that he’s not entirely straight and it’s something that he’s known for a while, despite his insistent ignorance, so for it to be voiced so easily with so much hostility, Sunwoo doesn’t know how to react. If he acts too defensive then they’ll spread the rumours saying that it’s ‘true’, but if he doesn’t deny it well enough then he’ll be their punching bag for the next three years. Footsteps down the hall alert all of them, and Sunwoo thinks that whoever it is will save him from this dilemma when the group pause as they wait for whoever is coming to pass. 

Sunwoo’s hopes are crushed the second he sees who his “saviour” is. 

There at the end of the hallway stands a frozen Eric.

Sunwoo holds back his scowl when they lock eyes, putting aside his animosity for a second in hopes of the other stepping in to help as he tries to convey his pleas through his eyes ( he hopes his message of “I really don’t like you and you’re an asshole, but get me the hell out of this” is relayed) .

Unfortunately, the message doesn’t seem to be disclosed as Eric’s face shows no sign of understanding. Rather, Eric’s face is completely blank, the fake nonchalance believable to others but not Sunwoo whose known Eric and all of his ticks since they were toddlers. He can tell when Eric’s covering his real emotions, and this is one of those times much to Sunwoo’s chagrin. 

Sunwoo’s harassers had clammed up during the duo’s silent exchange, eyes flicking between them as the suspense grew like they were watching some awkwardly muted tennis match. However, as the silence continued to stretch on to the point of making everyone uncomfortable, a boy who seemed to be the leader of the gang finally interrupted the two.

“Hey, you friends with this cocksucker?” he barked, his voice echoing in the nearly empty hallway and Sunwoo watches as Eric suppresses a flinch. 

The younger boy takes a hesitant step forward, and that fleeting hope arises once more in Sunwoo. Maybe Eric will help him. Maybe Eric doesn’t truly hate Sunwoo even when he’s been accused of being gay. Maybe the Eric that Sunwoo has known and loved since he first laid his eyes on him, is still there, waiting for Sunwoo to run towards him once again. 

“So you’re another queer, huh?” 

Eric halts in his tracks, and before anyone can say anything more, he turns on his heel and back around the corner he came from. 

Sunwoo’s eyes are fixated on the spot where Eric had just stood, the round of snickers that fill the corridor are ignored by him, as the sound of his hope, ( and his heart ), being trampled on for good overrides everything.

---

By the time Sunwoo manages to fall asleep, sunlight is already streaming through his windows and he can hear the morning hustle outside. He estimates that he’ll be able to get at least a couple of hours to sleep before being bothered, which is almost immediately disproved when after only an hour of sleep he’s awoken by the doorbell.

His parents usually go out early on Saturday mornings to get the best picks at the market, so the job of answering the door falls onto him, unfortunately. However, Sunwoo is pretty sure that whoever’s at the door is either some underpaid door-to-door salesman or one of their neighbours looking for his mum, so he just snuggles deeper into his blanket as he waits for the person to leave.

It takes another six rings of the doorbell for Sunwoo to come to terms with the fact that whoever is at the door is not going to leave unless he opens the door. 

Stumbling out of bed Sunwoo mutters curse after curse as he hears the doorbell ring for the seventh time . 

Yanking the door open, he snarls, “What the fuck do you want?” 

Unfortunately for him, the person at the door is not a stranger or an elderly neighbour. It is a neighbour, just not an expected one.

“Eric? What are you doing here?”

The boy in question fidgets, looking extremely uncomfortable and eyes locked firmly onto his shoes. When he looks closer, he sees that Eric’s ears are firetruck red, obviously flustered by something that Sunwoo isn’t aware of. 

Too tired to be hostile, Sunwoo just lets out a long exhale and rubs his hand down his face. He steps aside and gestures for the younger to come in. 

“Come in, I’ll get some drinks,” he says tersely, heading to the kitchen before he can listen to whatever response the younger sputters out. 

He dawdles in the kitchen for as long as he can to stall the unavoidable confrontation he’s going to have to sit through when he walks into his living room, but the tea is ready in a matter of minutes and he steels his nerves as he exits the room.

The younger is already settled on the couch, frigid and upright like a boy about to meet his in-laws, pressed as far as possible into the furthest corner. Sunwoo sets down a mug on the coffee table in front of him and sits on the opposite side. 

Unlike Eric, he sprawls himself out, still loose from sleep and uncaring for the tension in the room, and leans back on the armrest as he faces the other. The only sound that fills the room is occasional sips and some light humming from Sunwoo as he tries to ease the jittering nerves of not just Eric, but also himself. He’s still annoyed with the younger, but his interest is piqued by Eric reaching out first so he lets him take his time to figure out what he wants to say. 

Finally, the younger moves, turning his head in an aborted move as his ears flush once more and he snaps his head back around to his mug. 

“Can you… Can you please put some pants on?” Eric stammers, voice squeaky.

It takes a few seconds for Sunwoo to compute the request, before he bolts out of the room, his face burning. He hadn’t changed out of his shirt from yesterday, only shucking off his jeans, meaning he’d answered the door with his boxers on clear display. 

Sunwoo quickly slams his head into his pillow and lets out what he hopes is a quiet scream. 

When he returns, he’s much more composed and also now with pants. He decides to repress his humiliation and pretend it didn’t happen.

( He doesn’t succeed, the flush on his collarbones giving him away, but a man can dream )

Settling back onto the couch, it seems like Eric has finished formulating his confession and has mustered up the courage to say it. Sunwoo’s ready for whatever convoluted and long-winded explanation the younger has for him, and he takes a sip from his now cool tea. 

“I like boys.” 

Sunwoo chokes.

After he’s finished coughing his lung up, he waves a hand to halt Eric’s concerned shouts. 

“I’m fine, sorry,” he rasps, taking a careful sip of his drink to avoid nearly dying again, “just, really wasn’t expecting that.” 

Eric laughs sheepishly and wrings his hands together, a nervous habit he’s had since he was a child. 

“I’m gay, or at least I think I am? It’s all a bit confusing but I definitely like boys,” Eric declares, “I don’t want to label myself just yet, but I’m attracted to men and that’s what’s important.” 

Sunwoo looks into the swirls of his tea as he lets the words ruminate in his mind. They float around in his head as he breaks it down, word for word, and he thinks of what to say that wouldn’t ruin the moment. He and Eric may not be on good terms, the furthest from that really, but Sunwoo knows how important this moment is for Eric and he isn’t letting his personal resentment destroy that. 

Saying that, however, Sunwoo doesn’t plan on throwing confetti around Eric and hollering his support from the rooftops, nothing like that. Instead, he takes a safe yet concise route.

“I’m happy for you, Eric, I really am,” he says slowly, “but why are you telling me this?” 

Eric’s fingers turn white from how hard he’s gripping them. 

“You’re the only one who I thought would understand.”

“Why? Cause I’m ‘ another queer ’?” Sunwoo emphasises that last part, because for the last 24 hours, Eric has acted as he’s pleased without care for Sunwoo and he isn’t letting him forget his betrayals.

Eric flinches and Sunwoo feels satisfied ( and a bit guilty but he shoves that from his mind ).

“Why’d you do it, Eric?” 

The ‘ it ’ isn't specified, but they both know Sunwoos not just referring to that situation. 

“It's... complicated.” 

Sunwoo can feel a headache building.

“You can’t expect me to just forget everything you’ve done, Eric,” Sunwoo bristles, “I’m still missing an explanation and you acting like nothing’s changed doesn’t help either of us.” 

“What do you want me to say, Sunwoo?” 

It isn’t a question. Not really.

“I want you to be honest for the first fucking time in your life, that’s what I fucking want, Eric,” Sunwoo doesn’t raise his voice from the sleepy lows its been at during their whole meeting, but the hostility is still evident.

“Fine! You want me to be honest?” Eric jumps up as he yells, staring down at Sunwoo with undeniable rage.

“I spent our first year of high school thinking I was dirty and wrong , how’s that for fucking honesty, huh?” 

Eric heaves, face scrunched and eyes filled with something akin to regret, like he hadn’t planned on revealing this but he storms on, too entrenched in his years worth of secrets to stop now. Sunwoo lets him.

“You don’t know what it was like Sunwoo, second-guessing every word, every action, so that those insults and those fingers wouldn't get pointed at me ,” he yells, the volume at which he speaks rising with each word. 

“I couldn’t do fucking anything without one person asking if I was like you, another dirty fucking queer!” 

Sunwoo can’t help but flinch at those words, far too familiar with them for his response to not be ingrained in him. 

Eric pauses, and all at once the events of the past few minutes crash down on him and his knees buckle, an expression of horror etched on his face.

He falls to the floor and cradles his head in his arms, shuddering breaths filling the room as he whispers apologies to no one.

Sunwoo doesn’t interfere, staying seated as he stares down at the boy. 

“I’m just so tired , Sunwoo,” he confesses, tone thick with unshed tears. “I’m tired of it all.” 

“Why is it my fault for being born this way, I never asked for any of this shit!” Eric’s voice cracks as he sinks further on the floor. 

Sunwoo gets off from the couch and makes his way over to where Eric has folded in on himself, stopping right in front of him.

“Neither did I, Eric.” 

Eric lifts his head to look at him, “What?”

“I said, neither did I, Eric. You think I wanted to be treated like scum, huh, Eric?,” Sunwoo’s voice shakes with barely restrained anger. “You think I wanted to be called slurs for just fucking breathing? Do you really fucking think I wanted any of this?”

“No, you don’t understand!-“ 

“I understand better than fucking anyone, Eric,” Sunwoo cuts him off, anger draining from him as quickly as it came, leaving him worn-out and jaded. “This isn’t some competition of whose trauma is worse. What you went through sucks, but I’m not going to sit and listen to you belittle the hell I went through.” 

They stare each other down, both unwilling to back down first but Sunwoo drives his point home. 

“I was so close to ending it that first year, did you know that, Eric?”

Eric recoils and Sunwoo feels a sick sense of satisfaction. Good, let him feel guilty.

“I was on my last ropes and you... you abandoned me to save yourself, leaving me to the fucking wolves ,” his voice dies down towards the end, the mental exhaustion catching up to him. However, he can’t stop now, he has to finish this, he needs some semblance of closure.

“I’m not trying to blame you, okay? But you need to understand that we were both suffering, and you aren’t the only victim. Do you understand?” 

He receives a meek nod of Eric’s head as a response, the best he’s going to get for tonight, and kneels down in front of Eric so that they are eye-level with each other. 

Eric’s hand cautiously reaches out, and when Sunwoo doesn’t move away, he grasps the older boy's hand and they sit in tense quiet, gripping the other as if they might disappear from their sight if they didn’t hold on tight enough. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Eric’s hands are trembling, and Sunwoo fixes his gaze on the dying sunlight that bathes them in a transient scene of lamentation for a former bond between two boys, two heartsick boys with a bond that is still cracked except now the edges between aren’t so jagged, so painstakingly raw . 

“I know, Eric,” he whispers, “I know.”

---

Sunwoo’s high school experience is not at all enjoyable. While the rumours hadn’t been completely detrimental, no one caring too much about some freshman who might be gay, they weren’t entirely harmless. He’d gone to soccer team try-outs at the start of his second semester and immediately walked out when he’d found out that half of the current team were those assholes who’d spread the rumours in the first place. It pained him to give up on one of his biggest passions over some condescending, weak-minded pricks, but he wasn’t risking the chance of giving them more ammunition to make his life even worse. 

Along with that, most of his classmates had taken to pretending like he didn’t exist, none of them wanting to be lumped in with the accusations that surrounded him. He understands them to an extent but it still stings when they avert their eyes and unwittingly shun him from all social situations while they all gravitated to Eric, the “ golden boy ” who managed to be the only freshman on the baseball team and has a smile that rivals the sun. Sunwoo is only slightly jealous, but of whom he can’t tell. 

The only upside to this all was that his meet-ups with Yeonjun had become more frequent, Sunwoo having too much free time on his hand and the older boy having a fairly lax schedule with school work. After a truly heinous day, filled with tripping up stairs to forgetting his wallet, Sunwoo sprints out of the school gates whilst rapidly texting Yeonjun and inviting him over. It’s a Friday and his parents have gone back to visit his grandparents, so he has the apartment to himself for the weekend and he’s going to use this chance to its fullest. 

Sunwoo is practically bouncing off the walls when he realises that despite how harsh this winter has been so far, tonight is estimated to be the warmest night of the season and the sky will be clear, meaning he can force Yeonjun onto the balcony with him and the older won’t be able to complain too much about the cold. 

That’s how they find themselves in the twilight hours of the night, a blanket draped around them as they sit and chatter about the mundane and hush each other’s laughs when they get a little too loud, only to end in a larger laughing fit. When they’ve both quietened down, Yeonjun scrolling on his phone as Sunwoo zones out, the tranquility is disrupted by something far from pleasant. 

He’s not entirely sure why, but his mind drifts to school and all of his problems he’s facing, leading him down a rabbit-hole until he lands at his sexuality. During this whole situation, Sunwoo’s been forced to endure the sexual crisis that he’s been avoiding, and he’s come to some revelations. 

To start with, the fact that he was attracted to boys was undoubtedly correct and now he’s also aware that the “ attraction ” he’s had towards girls before was merely just platonic admiring that had no deeper meaning. Secondly, now that he’s acutely and constantly conscious that he’s gay, he’s also aware of how his life is now because of mere rumors; if people were to find out the truth, that those rumours were correct? Sunwoo doesn’t want to imagine it. 

Thirdly, and finally, now that Sunwoo has realised what the root of all his current issues are, it’s hard to not hold animosity towards it. He hadn’t asked to be attracted to boys and it wasn’t something he could control, not for lack of trying that is, so why must he endure hell everyday because of it? 

Yeonjun taps him out of his reverie, having tried to get his attention for a while Sunwoo assumes. “You good?” 

“I’m gay,” Sunwoo blurts out in response. 

Yeonjun blinks back at him, and Sunwoo has never regretted his lack of a filter more in his life.

It’s when the older leans away from Sunwoo does he realise just how badly he’s fucked up. He instantly starts trying to fix the mess he’s caused, excuses that fall flat even to his ears, spilling out of his mouth one after the other, but none of them change the distance between them nor the furrow in Yeonjun’s brows. 

“Please just forget I said anything, I’m begging you,” he pleads, heart pounding and stomach filled with lead.

“You can’t hate me, you can’t,” Sunwoo lurches forward, clutching onto Yeonjun’s sleeves in fear of the boy leaving him to sit with the consequences of his idiotic actions.

Leaving him to be alone and abandoned again. 

Sunwoo wouldn’t be able to handle it if Yeonjun left him, not when he had brought Sunwoo away from the precipice after Eric and had nursed him during his heartache and mental fog. Yeonjun pieced Sunwoo back together, and he won’t be able to make it through a second break.

That desperate mumble snaps Yeonjun out of whatever internal conflict he was going through, and his hands shoot out to grab onto Sunwoo’s shoulders and straighten him up. His head feels muddled, unable to focus on the older and the words coming out of his mouth, too distracted by the pure unadulterated fear coursing through his blood. 

Suddenly his body is moving and he’s falling and he feels weightless and his skin feels too tight and he can’t breathe-

And then his body halts, and instead of cold and rigid concrete, he lands on something invitingly warm and comforting. Yeonjun.

“You with me, baby?” The roaring in his ears has quietened ever so slightly, enough to let Yeonjun’s question filter through and he gingerly nods in response. 

Sunwoo let’s himself be lulled by the rhythmic beating of Yeonjun’s heart, matching his breathing to the steady rise and fall of the older’s chest. After what feels like a millennium, his head is soothed and his heart has relaxed to its regular tempo. Eventually he realises the position they're in; Yeonjun has pulled him into his chest, holding his head close while Sunwoo calmed himself down. Too drained to feel embarrassed, he pulls back to allow some distance between the two. 

“Sorry hyung,” he speaks faintly, voice barely above a whisper. 

“There’s nothing to apologise for, Sunwoo.”

“But there is,” he responds adamantly, referring to far more than relying on him for comfort. 

“Sunwoo, you being gay doesn’t change anything. You’re still the same Sunwoo who complains about skinship but always grabs my hand when we’re walking. You’re still the Sunwoo who cries while watching “Your Name” and gets scared by almost everything. You’re still the Sunwoo I-” Yeonjun falters for a second.

“You’re still the same Sunwoo who’s been my closest friend since I sat next to you in middle school.” 

Sunwoo’s eyes burn as he turns away, facing the gleaming city lights as he struggles to not break down right then and there, but a whimper still finds a way past his lips.  

“It’s okay, Sunwoo.”

“But- but Hyung, I’m not clean. ”

“Sunwoo,” he turns the younger’s chin so that they’re facing each other, “there’s nothing wrong with you, okay? Nothing.” 

Sunwoo doesn’t react hysterically, but rather stares straight at Yeonjun as the worries plaguing his mind for the past few years are dispelled with a few simple words.

He doesn’t realise tears are dripping from his eyes until he’s hunched over, head pressed to Yeonjuns chest, as he cries and cries and cries . 

Sunwoo mourns the self he killed for the sake of unfound happiness, and Yeonjun holds him as if he is something to be cherished.

It takes him a while to calm down, but even when his breaths have evened out and he stops feeling like his heart is going to erupt from his throat, Yeonjun continues to cradle him and play with Sunwoo’s hair in a way that makes him quiver ever so slightly. They don’t break apart this time, instead, Sunwoo turns his head to be able to observe the stars, the lull in conversation inducing him into an ataractic state. 

It’s then that a memory gets pushed to the front of his mind, the two of them sitting on the balcony like this feels tragically nostalgic, and Sunwoo nearly crumbles again from how overwhelming it is.

He’d forgotten, or repressed rather, most of his memories including Eric but it’s difficult when for more than three-quarters of his life the boy had been deeply entwined in it. Eric had a love for stars ever since they’d had their first excursion to a planetarium in 2nd grade. Sunwoo had been interested, but clearly not as much as Eric had been, judging from the way he’d plastered his face against all the windows and pushed every classmate out of the way when they tried to use the telescopes. 

Sunwoo was forced to take up the role of Eric’s guard dog for the day, ( the younger had insisted he was a bodyguard, but from the way Sunwoo had to growl and snap at some of those kids... guard dog fit better ). Overall, it wasn’t the most thrilling excursion Sunwoo had ever been on, but the pure excitement emanating off of Eric made up for it.

From that day on, Eric devoted his life to learning about all the intricacies of space, spending hours rattling off to Sunwoo about his new facts of the day ranging from the enchanting nebula shaped exactly like a butterfly ( Sunwoo had secretly printed a picture of it and placed it on the wall above his desk, vowing to never let Eric see it ), to the less pretty facts. Like the planet that is always raining glass sideways. 

Or the fact that if parallel universes didn’t exist then there will never be life after all the stars and planets die in their own universe. 

Sunwoo much preferred the pretty butterfly nebula. 

Nevertheless, Eric’s obsession grew onto Sunwoo too, so the two of them would spend a few nights a week on Sunwoo’s balcony — not Eric’s because according to him, Sunwoo “ had a better view ” despite being neighbours — and watch the stars for hours and hours. The younger would spout fact after fact, pointing out constellations and telling their tales while Sunwoo would nod and act like he understood. 

It was their special thing, sacred and secret, and it was those times when the city lights were bright yet the stars were brighter and he would rest his head on his knees as he stared at Eric. Eric whose face was illuminated by the ever-changing myriad of lights and always had a smile as if he was looking at the view for the first time.

The stars were shining, but Eric was radiant .  

Now, Sunwoo sits under that very same sky but he’s teary and a mess and Eric isn’t next to him, instead it’s Yeonjun. There is no endless rambling about the myths surrounding the constellations, no lighthearted jab at Sunwoo as he requests, just as he does every night, to hear the story of Lyra one more time.

The air is void of twinkling laughter and all he has is arms holding him down to earth, when all he wishes is to be miles away, laid between the stars that he’s heard so much about. 

Maybe, just maybe, if he was up there, he’d get to learn more from the boy whose heart was as boundless as the sky. 

---

During the weeks after what Sunwoo has dubbed, ‘The Eric Incident: Part Two ’, the two of them venture into the depths of a tentative friendship, most of their hang-outs ending in more explanations and tears. Their relationship isn’t fully repaired and it’s never going to be how it was when they were clueless and innocent children, when they would be attached at the hip and uncaring for the remarks of others. 

That doesn’t mean that they can’t have a friendship now, so they're both making an effort. It’s still gratingly awkward at times, and there are bad days where Sunwoo wakes up and can barely look at Eric without feeling sick to his stomach, head pounding and senses muffled. Those days are few and far between, but they've happened enough for Eric to know the signs and steer clear until Sunwoo reaches out himself. Trauma is hard to overcome, but Sunwoo is trying his best and so is Eric. 

However, because of how much time he’d been dedicating to reconciling with Eric, it meant that he hadn’t seen Yeonjun in almost a month now. Albeit, the two of them had texted every now and then but the older had been busy with finishing his final projects and whatnot, so their conversations had dwindled to occasional greetings and excessive selfies from Yeonjun that Sunwoo would leave on read .  

Sunwoo himself had also been preparing for exam season, many coffee-fueled nights filled with bleary eyes and sporadic crying sessions. As soon as he’d walked out of his last exam, he’d texted Yeonjun to hang out immediately, to which the older had responded with a picture of movie tickets he’d bought for some cheesy horror flick screening that weekend. 

Yeonjun spent the next few days bribing Sunwoo with free cinema snacks and an overly expensive bubble tea to convince him to come. 

That’s the reason why Sunwoo is now currently running at the speed of light to make it on time. He’d woken up later than planned to a text from Yeonjun, blearily fumbling for his phone as he squints against the brightness of the screen to try and read the message.

yj hyung 👎

if u arent here by 1:30 ur paying for ur own snacks ☆～（ゝ。∂)

Sunwoo somehow manages to send a coherent text back despite how lightheaded he feels from sitting up too rapidly. 

hyung

what the fuck

it takes me 30 mins to get there 

its 1:10

yj hyung 👎

better bring ur wallet then

The next few minutes are a blur, Sunwoo still combatting the urge to fall back asleep whilst also trying to put together a somewhat decent outfit. By the time he’s out the door it’s 1:15, and he jumps into a full-fledged sprint, cursing Yeonjun the entire way. 

When he gets closer to the theatre, he can see Yeonjun standing outside the entrance and it’s the motivation he needs to run even faster, just so he can throttle the older sooner. That, however, doesn’t go to plan when he skids to stop in front of him and has to lean down, hands on knees, as he gulps oxygen into his strained lungs. Once he is capable of human speech again, and not just garbled words in between inhales, Yeonjun holds out a ticket before Sunwoo can say anything. 

With one hand he grabs the ticket while the other grabs for his phone, sighing with relief when he sees that it’s 1:29, one minute away from the potential financial sacrifice he would've had to have made. Grinning smugly, Sunwoo turns the phone to the other so as to make sure he doesn’t get swindled into paying, and walks into the theatre before Yeonjun can argue. 

“A deal’s a deal, Hyung!” Sunwoo hollers over his shoulder, snickering to himself as the taller boy complains about the alleged ‘injustices of the world ’. 

Waiting to the side whilst Yeonjun upholds his promise, Sunwoo feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Pulling it out, he smiles unintentionally when he sees who the sender is.

eric (derogatory) 

good morning sunwoo!!!

eric its almost 2pm

eric (derogatory) 

i said what i mf said

wait hold on

sunwoo awake before 5pm?? this cant be real

:/

eric (derogatory) 

no but srsly why are u awake rn

yeonjun is forcing me to hang out with him 

send help

eric (derogatory) 

oh 

ur w yeonjun ??

? yeah we’re at the movies 

eric (derogatory) 

oh okay 

A hand on his shoulder makes Sunwoo shriek, whatever Eric is currently typing is forgotten by the sudden rush of adrenaline going through his body. He looks up, only to come face to face with Yeonjun, who isn’t even trying to stifle his laughs.

“You’re such an ass, you know that right?” He deadpans, hand on his heart as he acts unaffected even though everyone in the area is now looking at him with varying degrees of concern.

“Not my fault you weren’t paying attention,” Yeonjun gets out in between giggles, wiping non-existent tears away. “Who’re you texting anyway?” 

Sunwoo feels himself flush as he stuffs his phone back into his pocket before Yeonjun can try and snatch it away.

“No one!” He replies, voice a few octaves too high to be convincing. 

Yeonjun just raises an eyebrow and stares him down, “Uhuh, very compelling argument, Sunwoo.” 

With bright red ears he shoves the older before stomping over to the specific cinema, “shut up, stop interrogating me.” 

“This isn’t over, Sunwoo!” Yeonjun laughs, catching up with the flustered boy. 

The movie itself isn’t anything special, but Sunwoo, as expected, is scared to death less than twenty minutes in. He sneaks a glance to the side only to see that Yeonjun is captivated by the film, so he sighs and accepts his fate for the next hour and a half. He doesn’t even get to eat the free snacks, too occupied with squeezing the life out of Yeonjun’s arms and ducking his head to hide in the crook of his neck. Somewhere around the fifth overly gruesome murder, Sunwoo somehow finds himself dozing off, having moved the arm rest out of the way so he could cuddle up closer to the older boy. 

He doesn’t know how long he spends dipping in and out of consciousness, but it feels like only a minute ago he was falling asleep and now Yeonjun is shaking him awake with a fond smile on his face, indicating the end of the film.

“So I take it that you loved the movie?” Yeonjun jokes as they walk out of the cinema.

“Oh absolutely, definitely in my top five,” he keeps his voice toneless, sending a deadfaced thumbs-up to the older.

They continue bantering as they make their way through winding streets, until they’re fairly close to Sunwoo’s house. The conversation dies down and they walk shoulder-to-shoulder in a comfortable silence, satisfied with just being in one another's company. 

However, the silence is interrupted by a notification on Sunwoo’s phone, which he sees is from Eric. It’s a flurry of texts from when he was inside the cinema, and he chuckles as he reads through them. He quickly shoots back a reply explaining that no, I’m not dead Eric. Not sure if you knew this, but you can’t exactly have your phone on during a movie, dumbass. 

Yeonjun leans over to take a peek and Sunwoo’s too slow to turn the screen so the older boy gets a clear look at his texts. 

And who he’s texting.

“Sunwoo, why the hell are you texting Eric?” Yeonjun has an iron grip latched onto Sunwoo’s shoulder, so tight that he winces a little, and paired with his voice, now simmering with something close to anger, it causes goosebumps to erupt on Sunwoo’s skin. None of the jumbled responses in his head sound right, either too personal or not detailed enough, so he stands stock still as he tries to reply.

“ Sunwoo ,” He’s practically seething now, and Sunwoo hurriedly gives a reply that he hopes makes sense.

“He came over a month ago and since then we’ve been talking, about like, all of our problems,” Is what he settles on, eyes locked onto the cracked cement of the sidewalk. “We’re friends now?” 

Sunwoo doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but those insecurities run deep, and they've planted roots in his heart that won’t disappear with just a few weeks of consolation, no matter how much he’d like to admit that the bond the two of them have now can be considered friendship.

“You don’t sound very sure,” Yeonjun mutters, and Sunwoo can’t help but feel a little indignant. 

“Sorry my reply isn’t up to your standards, Yeonjun, what would you have preferred? That we’re the closest of friends now? That he’s my number one best friend?” Sunwoo scoffs. “Why are you so mad over this?” 

“Why? Are you seriously asking me why?” The anger is more prominent now, Sunwoo keeping his eyes trained onto the mass of imperfections that mar the sidewalk, unable to hold eye contact when the atmosphere turns into a chokehold. 

“Have you forgotten about how Eric’s treated you for years and how fucking miserable he made you, Sunwoo?” His voice rings in the emptiness of the streets, grating on Sunwoo’s ears as the volume continues to increase. “Have you forgotten about how every single time he made you cry, I was the one who stayed by your side and helped you through it all?” 

“Of course I haven’t!” 

“Then why am I not enough for you!” 

Sunwoo’s eyes dart to Yeonjun’s. 

“...What?”

“You heard me. After all the shit he’s put you through, why do you always choose him ?” Yeonjun’s still yelling, but there’s something raw about it now, as if the words are knives scraping along the insides of his throat with each rage induced admission.

Sunwoo can’t reply.

And as swift as they came, the carnal screams are gone, Yeonjun’s voice softening to a bittersweet tone as he answers the rush of suspicions in Sunwoo’s mind with a few simple words — words he dreads . 

“I’m in love with you, Sunwoo.” 

It is late evening and the summer sun shines on them with an unrivaled strength, blistering on Sunwoo’s neck, yet he still feels chilled to the bone.

“Why won’t you give me a chance? Please. Just- just give me a chance.” 

Sunwoo pauses.

Objectively Sunwoo knows this is a terrible idea. He knows it will only end in bitter resentment and an irrevocably broken bond. He knows that if he agrees, every day he’ll be plagued with the knowledge that I am going to destroy Yeonjun and it will hurt more the longer I drag this out. 

Sunwoo knows all of this in theory. 

But when he looks up and sees the desperation shining through the tears of a boy who is simply baring his heart in hopes of reciprocation, he can’t stop himself. 

Sunwoo doesn’t have much to give, but he owes Yeonjun this. Yeonjun deserves love, even if it's an imitation.

“Okay,” he utters, so soft that he isn’t even sure if he actually said anything aloud, but from the way Yeonjun visibly brightens he must have heard him.

Yeonjun closes the distance between them in a matter of seconds, clutching Sunwoo close to him, tucking his head into the crook of the younger’s neck, whispering rambled confessions as his vice-like grip fails to hide the shudders running through his body. 

Sunwoo ignores the tears that drip against his skin, just like how he ignores the facts that this will end in flames and that he couldn’t have made a worse mistake.

Just like how he ignores the passing thoughts of a boy with a laugh that sounds like wind chimes and a smile that alights his heart; a boy who isn’t Yeonjun.

---

Sunwoo’s emotions are virtually impossible to control on nights like these, when the loneliness becomes unbearable and the silence is deafening. He’s never grown accustomed to when his head becomes too convoluted and his heart too unruly, so these nights are unfortunately common. 

It’s nights like these where he finds his sanctum in writing. 

It didn’t matter what, whether they were scrapped poems or hapless drabbles he rarely finishes. If he was writing, he was sorting out the core of his problems and soothing the persistent chatter in his skull. 

Tonight however, none of his usual methods are working to pacify him, body and mind still filled with a nervous energy that spurs on the growing anxiety in his stomach. 

He flips through his old notebooks, hoping to find something unfinished that’ll spark motivation, something to help push back the surge of unease that plagues him in the dredges of night. Desperation takes him through almost his whole collection, and he’s on the verge of calling it a night and hoping sleep isn’t too vicious to him, when he stumbles across a page that holds only two words.

‘Dear Eric,’

It’s an idea he’s pondered before, a letter detailing his deepest emotions towards Eric. If he can handle everything else in his life with a couple pages of writing, then surely this must be the same?

He abandoned the idea almost instantaneously, leaving behind a practically empty page to sit in between the piles of finished work that lead to him forgetting it’s existence entirely.

That is, until now .

He sits at his desk, bedside clock blinking 3:40 AM, drumming his pen against the page to help conjure up possible starting points. 

Over and over again he starts the letter only to scratch it out and turn to a new page and try again, yet nothing feels right .

Leaning back in his chair, Sunwoo exhales and rubs his eyes, drained already before he’s even properly started. Upon opening his eyes, his eyes latch onto an image half-hidden beneath random scraps he’s collected over the years.

A faded image of a butterfly nebula that knocks the breath out of him.

It is a moment of clarity, and a beat passes before he’s fervently scribbling onto the paper, with the passion of a mad man writing his last words. 

And these may as well be his last words, with the pure, unadulterated emotion he pours into them, draining his soul of the thoughts that have haunted him for years, releasing him from his personal ball and chain. 

When Sunwoo is finished, he brushes over the scattered tear drops and signs his name with a delicacy he didn’t know he possessed. 

He doesn’t edit any of it, doesn’t even bother reading over it at all. He’s content to let it be raw and unpolished, for that may be the only way he’ll ever be able to physically describe the fluctuating labyrinth of emotions he’s had locked away in the depths of his mind since that fateful day, back where it all began in that middle school classroom. 

Sunwoo goes to bed that night with drying tear tracks, but his heart that has never felt this light, burning bright with a resolve that hushes the doubts, if only for a night. 

---

Being in a relationship with Yeonjun is, to put it lightly, weird . It’s not like anything monumental changes between them, their dynamic is ultimately unaffected and they continue to bicker and tease each other as they always have. 

In fact, if Sunwoo’s being brutally honest, the only thing that’s changed between the two is their relationship label, going from best friends to boyfriends with no distinguishable change. 

Maybe he’s to blame for that, though it’s not as if he isn’t trying. He always responds in kind to Yeonjun’s flirty remarks and lets the older hold his hand regardless of where they are, doing his best to uphold his unfamiliar boyfriend status.

The problem isn’t that Sunwoo isn’t reciprocating; the problem is that he is . 

He’s painfully aware that he doesn’t hold the same love towards Yeonjun that the older boy does to him, his own love more aligned with comfort — it’s a tender love that reminds him of tear-stained shoulders, blanket forts after school and winter nights spent huddled together under the moonlight. 

Yeonjun’s love, on the other hand, is ardent — it’s intense and vivacious and blazing. He loves with his entire being, akin to adulation rather than sheer affection. 

And that’s where they differ. Yeonjun’s love is romantic and Sunwoo’s love isn’t .

Nonetheless, Sunwoo has made a promise and he refuses to back out. His love may be platonic now, but eventually, it will change to match the fervour of Yeonjun’s.

It has to. 

That’s why when the older asks him out on a date for this upcoming Saturday, which is predicted to be the hottest day of the entire year, Sunwoo agrees wholeheartedly. The more he’s exposed to Yeonjun’s infatuation, the sooner he will be able to properly return those feelings instead of this flimsy parody. 

During the week he shoves any thoughts of the date out of his mind, knowing that if he allows the thoughts to creep in, they won’t stop, and he’ll become a ball of nerves before Wednesday. So with this newfound determination, Sunwoo spends the week focusing to the best of his abilities in class and talking to Eric as much as he can. 

They’ve started walking to and from school together again, and while it took them some time to fall back into this childhood routine, it’s helped them to grow even more comfortable with each other.  

They still don’t exactly interact at school, apprehensive of others' reactions, but they’ll steal quick glances at one another during classes and flash small smiles across rooms. 

For the moment, it’s everything to them. 

Come Friday afternoon and after making a pit stop at a convenience store to get ice cream, ( Sunwoo made Eric pay as revenge for murdering his last time. Admittedly, Eric hadn’t been the killer, but he was indirectly involved, thus free ice cream for Sunwoo ), they start the trek back home. The two of them take their time, walking slowly as they relish in the scorching sun rays, ice cream melting and dripping in their wake. 

Eric skips a little further ahead and turns around, somehow staying balanced even when walking backwards. “You’ve got to come over tomorrow, Mum’s goin’ out and I’m not spending my Saturday alone!”

Sunwoo scoffs, “Who said I was free?”

“C’mon, Sunwoo!” Eric pouts, and Sunwoo ignores the fluttering in his stomach. 

“Sorry to break it to you Eric, but some of us have social lives,” Sunwoo smirks as he overtakes Eric, using his long legs to his advantage to stay ahead. 

“And what exactly does your so-called ‘social life’ involve?” 

Sunwoo dramatically sighs, “well if you must know, Yeonjun-hyung’s taking me on a date tomorrow.”

Eric’s response doesn’t come. 

Turning around, Sunwoo sees that Eric isn’t following him anymore. He’s completely still, rooted to the ground as he stares at Sunwoo with a look he can’t decipher.

“Eric?” 

“You’re going on a date... with Yeonjun?” 

There’s something about Eric’s tone that takes Sunwoo aback. He isn’t sure what it is, but the underlying tone of his voice whilst indiscernible, makes Sunwoo feel as if he’s said something he shouldn’t have. 

“Uh, yeah,” he stammers out, fiddling with his fingers in an attempt to settle the sudden nerves he feels. “He asked me out last week.”

“And you said yes?” 

“I mean yeah, why wouldn’t I?” 

“Do you like him?” 

It’s been a recurring question in Sunwoo’s mind, but to hear it spoken aloud, and by someone else moreover, is startling because the answer is obvious. 

He doesn’t. 

It’s the root of it all, why it feels as if their relationship hasn’t changed at all. Mentally, it hasn’t — it can’t . Not when Sunwoo’s heart doesn’t belong to Yeonjun. 

“Well, I kind of have to, considering we’re dating?” It comes out less confident than he hoped, unwilling to voice the real answer. If he says it out loud, then it becomes real. Sunwoo’s scared of what that entails.

“Sunwoo, it’s a yes or no question,” Eric’s jaw is clenched, his expression tight. “Do you like him?” 

“Not yet.” 

Sunwoo hates how the answer tastes on his tongue.

“I will, eventually, but I have to do this for him, Eric.”

They stare each other down, neither caring for the setting sun, adorning them in muted reds and slowly fading oranges. 

Eric breathes out a sigh as the fight seems to bleed from his body, “If you say so, Sunwoo.” 

It’s not a resolution, nor is it a conclusion. 

Eric moves once more, walking past Sunwoo whose eyes follow the other, feet glued to the ground. 

The younger continues walking, and it shouldn’t be that big of a deal but for some reason, Sunwoo feels like they’re being dragged back to square one.

It’s unreasonable, along with the rush of emotions now flooding his brain. Without understanding the reason, Sunwoo is distressed and teeming with an urge to— 

Sunwoo’s hand reaches out.

“Eric,” he calls, and he isn’t sure why he does but when the boy turns around it just feels better . 

He has no clue what he wants to say, far too many words on his tongue that want to be released but he keeps locked up tight with fear. With Eric, there’s always too much yet too little, and Sunwoo can never find a middle ground. 

Eric’s turned to him and he’s waiting, waiting for something , but Sunwoo doesn’t know what to give. He never truly has.

“I…”

His hand is still reached out, even if Eric is too far for him to actually grab, and it limply stays halted in the air while it flexes around nothing. He wants to hold Eric, stop him in his tracks and spin him around to face him while he tells him of the thousands of infected thoughts he has, all of which revolve around him and none around Yeonjun. Wants to tell him that when he isn’t in Sunwoo’s eyesight, he feels empty and lost and he yearns for something intangible in a boy whose very being shouldn’t be real. 

Sunwoo wants too much from a boy who can’t give him anything except false hope and a heart filled with rotten dreams.

“I miss you,” is what Sunwoo ends up settling on, unfinished thoughts buzzing in his brain that he hopes can be conveyed through those three words. They aren’t the words he wanted, yet he knows the feelings are still there.

Eric looks confused for a second before understanding dawns on him. 

Eric understands. Eric has always understood, so why would this be any different?

“I miss you too, Sunwoo,” Eric has a smile on his face that Sunwoo’s only seen in fleeting moments when they were younger, huddled under blankets during summer mornings or on the way home from school and Sunwoo would race ahead, only to turn back and see Eric standing and watching. 

It’s nothing like the toothy grins with his pointy canines just barely peeking out or the smiles that split his cheeks and turn his eyes into sparkling crescents. No, this one is smaller, yet holds far more meaning, meaning that Sunwoo doesn’t understand. Not yet. 

They both know that “I miss you” stands for much more than mere physical longing. 

Eric turns around and keeps walking, but this time Sunwoo’s heart doesn’t feel as heavy as he ambles after him. In fact, Sunwoo has never been this happy, warm from the dying sun and the knowledge of more . 

---

Dear Eric,

This is the fifth time I've tried writing this and it will be the last, even if I want to scrap it. It’s not like you’re ever going to read it anyway.

If you read this, you’d tease me endlessly for my excessive use of the rule of three. You know it’s my go-to, it always has been. Of course, this will be purely for my eyes, so I will make fun of myself in your stead I guess. 

I don’t really know where to start. For all the writing I do, I’ve never written a letter to someone who hates me. Or dislikes me? I’m not sure. You aren't exactly clear with your signals, but I'd like to think that just maybe you don’t loathe my guts.

That you aren’t disgusted by me.

It always boils down to that really, all the problems in my life. Melodramatic, but there’s some truth in there. I’ve heard the whispers and rumours, and I know you have as well. It’s impossible for you to not have, considering your friends are spreading half of them.

You don’t say anything though. That’s both a blessing and a curse.

There’s still a part of me that is waiting for you to jump up and defend my honour, like some shoddy knight in shining armour. Of course, that’s a far away fantasy at this point, but a boy can dream, no? 

Maybe you’d make eye contact with me across the room and smile with eyes full of secrets, secrets just for me, instead of a look that you’d reserve for strangers on the street. That is, if you even look in my direction nowadays.

Of course there’s another part of me that’s full of nothing but anger towards you. A searing rage that fills every crevice of my battered heart at the mere thought of you. But that’s not the whole truth. 

As much as I’d wish to admit that the part of me which is filled with bitter, angry resentment was the bigger part, it’s far smaller than the others. It feels bigger from just how emotionally driven it is, but in the end it’s just lashing out to minimise the hurt.

And that’s the last part of me that revolves around you. The all-consuming hurt that mars practically every thought I have of you, every memory, every dream. There’s an ever growing list of triggers that will remind me of just how much you’ve hurt me. From places, to people, to.... everything. 

You are entangled with everything, Eric.  

You can be found in every part of me, and I hate it. Hate how you sway me even now. Hate how I’m compelled to think about you at any given moment.

And I especially hate how I still can’t truly hate you. 

It would be so much easier if I despised you, if I never wanted to see you again. But I don’t, and that in turn makes everything so much worse. I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day, 

At the end of the day, I just want you, Eric.

I just want you back, no matter if you’ll only see me as Kim Sunwoo, you’re childhood friend who will forever stay as a friend.

Kim Sunwoo, the one who has, and will always, belong to you and only you. 

Kim Sunwoo, the boy who has been in love with you since the stars were created, and will continue to love you until the stars die out and our names are simply timeless whispers between the planets. 

And I can handle that. I have before, so I can again. 

However, until then I will do what I’ve always done. 

Stand on the sidelines and watch as you flourish, while yearning for you with a devotion that’ll never die. 

Dream that one day, I will be able to say that I loved without regrets. 

Maybe one day.

Yours eternally,

Sunwoo

---

You’ve got to be kidding me , is the first thought Sunwoo has when he wakes up Saturday morning to torrential rain instead of blistering heat. 

It feels like foreshadowing. 

Sunwoo overlooks that thought.

Looking at the location of the restaurant that Yeonjun had texted to him last night, he realises he’s going to have to call a taxi to get there, both because of the distance and the fact that the rain doesn’t seem like it will stop any time soon. 

After begging his mum to help pay for the fees and making awkward small talk with the driver who smelled too strongly of cigarette smoke, Sunwoo stands in the foyer of the restaurant and scours the tables for Yeonjun.

He spots him in a back corner, waving his hand above him to catch his attention, and Sunwoo scurries over to evade bringing any more attention to either of them.

“What took you so long?” Yeonjun teases, eyeing the rain drops that drip off Sunwoo’s hair, having caught him in those few seconds outside of the taxi. 

“Sorry, I hadn’t been expecting a mini monsoon,” Sunwoo rolls his eyes and laughs, settling into his seat and flicking through the menu.

“Well, while I was waiting, I took the liberty of ordering some stuff,” Yeonjun smiles. “They have eel sushi, you’re favourite.” 

Sunwoo’s heart throbs, but his conscience weighs on him.

“Oh, thanks, Hyung,” Sunwoo hopes his smile isn’t too obviously strained. 

Conversation flows easily between the two, and the scene makes Sunwoo feel warm to the bone. The smile on Yeonjun’s face is the biggest he’s seen in years, carefree and genuine, and it makes Sunwoo feel accomplished.

In this moment, Sunwoo feels a morsel of hope bloom. Maybe... maybe he can do this. What they have between them is a facade, a hauntingly delicate facade, where Sunwoo can almost believe that his heart beats for Yeonjun.

“I really do love you, Sunwoo.”

And the facade shatters.

Sunwoo is paralysed, taken off guard and now clambering to respond. 

“Yeonjun, I-“

Bells ring in his head, but he pays no mind to them because this is his role, he has to say it back. 

They’re just words, right?

“Sunwoo?”

They’re not just words.

He couldn’t fool himself even if he tried, and he has. He’s been trying for the last two weeks for Yeonjun’s sake, but hearing those words is one thing.

Saying them back, and to Yeonjun? 

“I’m sorry,” Sunwoo whispers.

The hurt on Yeonjun’s face feels like a stake to the heart, but he won’t take it back. 

“You’re my greatest friend, and I will always cherish you, but I just....”

He trails off, mind frantic as he tries to find the right words because when it comes to Yeonjun, he deserves all the best things in the world, and someone who truly loves him. 

Not Sunwoo.

“I can’t love you and I’m sorry, Yeonjun.”

Silence reigns over them, and the atmosphere is tainted with tension. The chatter of the other diners is tuned out, all of Sunwoo’s attention solely on Yeonjun.

The older boy's gaze is locked onto his empty plate, and the more time that passes, the guiltier Sunwoo feels.

“I know.”

Yeonjun’s head is still downturned, but with the bitterness in his tone he may as well have been yelling.

“I’ve always known that your heart could never belong to me, but I thought that, just for once, I could be selfish,” Yeonjun lifts his head, tears in his eyes held back only by a fierce determination. “That maybe just this once, I could have my happy ending.”

The urge to reach out and comfort the older is tough to dismiss, but Sunwoo knows that it would only make this more arduous than it already is.

“But you aren’t happy, are you, Sunwoo?”

Without saying anything, Sunwoo looks down in shame. He thought that he had been managing his emotions well enough to avoid Yeonjun noticing, but the older knows him better than he thought.

He always has.

“As much as I’d like to be selfish and keep you all to myself, I know that it’d kill you,” Yeonjun sighs, hands coming up to rub his eyes. He’s hunched over now, elbows resting on the table.

“Just go, Sunwoo.”

“Yeonjun I-“

The older cuts him off, one hand falling onto the table as he looks at Sunwoo with a resigned expression.

“You don’t have to apologise, Sunwoo. I shouldn’t have forced you into this to begin with.”

“Hyung... I still love you, you know that right? Even if it’s not the same, you’re still someone I care for.”

Yeonjun shoots him a wobbly smile.

“Yeah, yeah I know. Now go to Eric, Sunwoo. You’ve left him waiting long enough.”

Sunwoo hesitates, eyes darting to the gushing rain outside the restaurant, and back to Yeonjun. 

The older waves a hand.

“Go, Sunwoo. I’ll be fine.”

And with that, Sunwoo grabs his coat and stumbles out of his chair, already half-way across the room when he turns his head to Yeonjun.

“I’m sorry it couldn’t be me, Hyung,” he yells, eyebrows furrowed as he rushes out the door and into the pouring rain. 

Sunwoo leaves behind a boy who nurses his broken heart while he eats a meal meant for two, refusing the waiters who try to take the empty plate across from him because that would make it real. He wants to dream for a little longer.

Sunwoo runs to a boy who sits mindlessly in his empty apartment, heartsick and waiting, while his eyes stay glued to the ceaseless rain hammering against his window as he imagines a future that seems unrealistic even when he knows it’s not healthy. He wants to dream for a little longer

Sunwoo is undeterred by the rain, for his dream is no longer a fantasy and he finally feels alive . 

---

“Hey Sunwoo, we’ll always be together right?”

The reflection from the night sky makes it appear as if Eric’s eyes held the universe.

“Of course, for forever, Eric.”

“Forever?”

Sunwoo smiles.

“Until the stars all die out and we are nothing more than forgotten names.”

---

Sunwoo knows he looks ridiculous, drenched in rainwater that is dripping all over the hallway outside Eric’s door and chest heaving as he struggles to catch his breath, so obvious that he had ran non-stop to get here. 

“Sunwoo? What-“

“I broke up with Yeonjun.” 

Silence.

“…Why?”

“You know why, Eric.”

“Tell me.”

Sunwoo lets out a small incredulous laugh.

“Eric Sohn, my heart has belonged to you and only you, since the day we met.”

Sunwoo continues even though he knows Eric wants to say something, because if he doesn’t say this now he never will and he doesn’t think he could live with that.

“I’m in love with you Eric. I always have been and always will, and that is something that even the stars cannot change.”

There’s tears dripping down his face, and he’s still drenched from head to toe but none of that matters when Eric is looking at him with matching tears and a smile that warms Sunwoo’s soul. 

The younger launches at him and the two of them cling to each other like they’ve never truly touched the other; and they haven’t, not like this, where their hearts are beating in tandem and their underlying fears surface in the way they grasp each other like they might vanish in seconds. 

Sunwoo’s head is in the curve of Eric’s neck and he has a hand in the shorter’s hair, a tenderness that contrasts the inferno inside his heart. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” he whispers, loud in the silence of the room. 

“You’re here now, Sunwoo. You’re here now.” 

The younger pulls back. “Stay?” 

Sunwoo grasps his hand.

“Always.” 

And then Eric’s lips were on his.

There weren’t fireworks or any mind-blowing sensations, but it was sweet and desperate and it made them feel complete . The salty rain water dripping onto his lips intermingled with the saccharine taste of Eric’s mouth, feeling drunk off each other and softly laughing in between fluttering kisses as they stumble towards Eric’s bedroom. 

Their mouths are pulled too wide to do anything except graze lips and cradle the other as if they were fragile and delicate, as if they were nothing but a figment of each others imagination; yearn for too much and hold on too tight, and they’d vanish along with the spark of hope inside them. 

There’s still so much for them to discuss, years of undisclosed traumas that they’ve only ever skimmed the surface of, but for now, they lay in bed beside each other. They face each other and their eyes trace over faces so familiar yet with new sights to imbed into their memories once more. In the quiet moonlight of Eric’s bedroom, neither of them can bring themselves to address everything.

Not when Eric’s hair shines in the moon rays, a halo in Sunwoo’s mind, and his eyes still glisten with held-back tears.

Not when their hands clench the others with a desperate grip, thumbs rubbing circles to soothe the other as they continue to bask in this peaceful euphoria.

Not when Sunwoo’s hummingbird heart has finally slowed, and all he can hear now are the whispers of adoration that spill from his lips and ring in his ears. 

It is a summer night, and they are enough.