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He was in Master Yoda's quarters. He couldn't remember their journey there, how he had unthinkingly followed his great-grandmaster out of the Council chamber and through the winding halls of the Temple.
He had... Oh Force, he had said such awful things to Anakin, small barbs calculated to cut deeply. He had tried to fix it. He had tried to reassure his padawan that he had only been... He couldn't quite remember. It had made sense at the time. Why had he been trying to push Anakin away?
"An excellent question that is."
He blushed, realizing how much his emotions must be leaking into the Force for another to be able to sense his thoughts so clearly. "Master Yoda, please, I need to go talk to Ana-"
"Understand young Skywalker will. Similar words he has said to you, no? A well-matched pair. Learn from each other you still can."
Addled with a fog of exhaustion and despair, his mind couldn't understand what Master Yoda was saying. Learning? How could this possibly be about learning? He was through with learning and teaching; he didn't have anything else valuable to offer. But, he didn't want to say any of that to Master Yoda.
"Why did you bring me here?" he said instead, keeping his gaze trained on the floor. "The Council will have to reschedule their meeting."
"The Council can wait. Much more important issues there are. My responsibilities, yes, yes. Paid closer attention to you I should have. I see now."
"Master, I hardly think th-"
"Obi-Wan!"
His eyes shot up, wide and shocked as they met Master Yoda's.
"Enough that is, Obi-Wan. Enough. Fool me you cannot."
The way that Obi-Wan let his eyes fall back to the floor would have almost seemed recalcitrant if he hadn't looked so resigned. Longanimity was flowing out of his presence, seeping through the Force, radiating a dull ache to those around him.
"Obi-Wan, time for a talk it is, hmm? Too long you have fought this on your own. I am here. Fellow masters are here. Mmhmm. Your allies we could be."
"I am not worthy of-"
"Worthy, hmm? Who is worthy, Obi-Wan? What is worthy? Such an impossible achievement, is it? That's why ten thousand Jedi we have, hmm? Because it is difficult to be worthy?"
A slight pause. Then, barely audible: "For me, yes."
"Why?"
"It... I suppose it is just who I am. I cannot help it. I have tried. Tried to be a good Jedi and a good person. I thought that Master Qui-Gon's training would help to fix me. But, it is inherent. I... I have realized that I am simply not good."
"But, Obi-Wan, so many kind-"
"I know what you will say, master," Obi-Wan interrupted. "No amount of examples of good things that I have done can convince me. I am... I can be a bad person who does good things. I can accept that."
"I cannot." Yoda huffed out a sigh, gently twirling his gimer stick against the ground. "Important you are to me. The youngest and dearest of my grandpadawan's padawans. The bravest and wisest of my lineage. Accept such despair in you I cannot."
Such words were too much for Obi-Wan. Besides, it wasn't so bad to collapse to the floor in front of Master Yoda. It felt easy to fall apart in front of somebody so small.
He knew that he would live to regret this, that he would never be able to come back from it. But, in that moment, at least he didn't feel as impossibly small as he always had beside Anakin or Qui-Gon.
"Master, please. Please make it stop."
Yoda could hear the watery tremor in the young man's muffled voice. He could also feel the Force quietly suggesting that he let Obi-Wan have his say without interruption.
"I need... I need this to end. There is such... incongruity between how you see me and how I know myself to be. It hurts..." Obi-Wan's voice grew almost timorous as his shoulders shuddered, as he hid his face between curled arms. "It hurts to know that I have somehow tricked you into believing in me. Please... Oh Force, please stop. I know myself. How wretched I must be, to lie to you so completely without even meaning to. How could I possibly be worthy of your support, when I have deceived you?"
Yoda waited until Obi-Wan's words quieted into laboured breathing. Then he slowly hobbled towards him, placing a small hand on the young man's shaking shoulder. Obi-Wan shivered at the touch.
"Paid attention to yourself you have not. Think back. In the Council chamber. How did you prove your supposed unworthiness?"
"There didn't need to be any proof. It just i-"
"Oh ho, but try to prove it you did!"
"I don't-"
"Remember? Describe our rankings you did. Delineate the needs of each with clear intelligence you did. Such affection for all of them you revealed."
Obi-Wan pulled his body up to sit cross-legged in front of the old master. His face was lined with misery, and he lacked the energy even to wipe the drying tear tracks on his cheeks.
"I don't understand. I meant that to prove how you shouldn't have time for me. How I never should have held any of those ranks, after Master Qui-Gon didn't want me. He was... He was right, judging by how poor a knight and master I have made."
Yoda stepped even closer to Obi-Wan, using a crooked finger to wipe away the young man's tears. "Meditate on this supposed proof with me. Together, uncover the truth we can."
Obi-Wan was too resigned and exhausted to disobey. He settled more firmly into a meditative pose, feeling Yoda slowly doing the same in front of him.
Once they were both ready, Yoda reached out in the Force, softly coaxing Obi-Wan out of his own mind.
Made for the Cosmic Force you were. Trapped in your own mind you cannot remain. Extend your thoughts.
Encompass my presence.
This room.
The Temple.
Coruscant.
Our system.
The Galaxy.
Encompass the Force.
You are the Force. And through you It flows.
Now, feel the presences within it.
Anakin, yes. Ever in your mind he is. Always feel him you can.
Qui-Gon. Confused by the Cosmic Force he always was. But now It is him. You can feel him there, hmm?
Your Little 'Soka. With her master she is. Yet she longs for you. Sense her affection can you? It is for you.
...
The Duchess of Mandalore, perhaps? So little effort to reach to somebody in such a distant place.
All have their place. Yes, yes. Feel them you can. Sense how each Jedi exists in the Cosmic Force you can.
You understand why each Jedi, each person, each order exists. And help them fulfil their purpose you do. How could this prove that you do not belong here? How could this prove anything except that you are good?
The slightest breath escaped Obi-Wan's mouth. "Oh," a single syllable containing infinite wonder and fear and relief.
"I didn't know that I..."
Tears flowed down his cheeks, but he was no longer trying to hide them. When Obi-Wan did bury his face in the crook of the small master's shoulder, Yoda felt that the roiling shame in Obi-Wan's mind had melted away into the Force. In the place where it had been, relief rippled gently, lapping against the edges of his Force-presence.
"I didn't know that I am good."
His words drifted gently, settling throughout the room, extending to the farthest reaches of the Force. Slowly, Obi-Wan sat up, resting on his heels in a more formal meditative pose. His eyes still drooped. But, it was no longer with a desperate exhaustion. It was merely the sign of a peaceful sleepiness.
"Over this is not," Yoda carefully broke the silence. "You know this, Obi-Wan. Come back it will. Very soon, perhaps, hmm? Feel this relief always you will not. But now you also know: we can help. We will help."
"Master, I don't know if I can survive it again. Can't we... Is there no way to stop it from returning?"
"You want to know if live with this you must."
Obi-Wan nodded dully.
"Promises I cannot keep I cannot make."
A jagged exhale from Obi-Wan, an attempt to mask a sob. Yoda placed a wrinkled hand on his young one's shoulder.
"Work together we will. Make it less painful. We can learn, yes? All can learn to help. In time, it will lessen. Feel survivable it will. And, when it does not, take on your burden we will. Like we have stepped between the clones and the full force of this war, so between you and this pain we can act as defence.
"And then, grow up hearing stories of your battles younglings will. They will learn too. Learn to ask for help. Learn to give support. Learn that fighting such mental battles takes as much strategy and fortitude and bravery as physical battles.
"Yes, through you they will learn. So many stronger and kinder because of you. And then, but to see your value here you will have no choice."