Work Text:
It has been a little over four months since Tian moved into Phupha's room in the Phapirun Base.
By now, they have established a comfortable morning routine:
Phupha wakes up first. The first thing he does is heating up a pot full of water. While waiting for it to boil, he takes a freezing bath (he likes the cold). By the time he’s done, Tian is already awake and sipping warm tea on the porch, enjoying the beautiful views of nature beyond the fence. Tian gives him a kiss as Phupha walks by, sweetly saying ‘thank you, Chief’ for the hot water. As Phupha gets ready for work, Tian pours the hot water into a bucket of cold water until he gets the temperature he likes. While Tian takes a bath, Phupha, already in his uniform and combat boots, prepares their breakfast (Tian is in charge of dinner). As they have breakfast together, they talk about their plans for the day. Afterwards, Tian washes the dishes while Phupha gets the motorbike ready. And then, Phupha drives Tian to the school before he continues his trip to where he does physical training and drills with his ranger team.
As a ranger and someone who formerly worked for the ministry, Phupha is used to routines. He even relies on them. Tian is more flexible with his daily activities, but still, four months is enough to shift his body clock. Each morning without fail, Tian will wake up at the same time, do the same things like muscle memories.
That’s why Phupha frowns deeply when he walks out of the bathroom and doesn’t see Tian sitting on the porch with his favorite tea.
“Tian?” Phupha calls softly before opening the door to their room. Tian is still asleep, covered by the blanket up to his neck. Phupha walks over and shakes his shoulder gently. “Tian? Don't you have class to teach today?”
“Hmm…” Tian grunts, voice sounds much lower than usual. He scrunches his face, like it hurts him to even make that sound.
It’s weird. Tian is reluctant to wake up like this only after they, uh, had a rough night. But yesterday they were too tired, so they just fell asleep beside each other after a few smooches.
“Tian, come on. It’s late.” Phupha pulls the blanket, and Tian immediately curls into himself, shivering. He murmurs something intelligible, fingers grappling miserably in the air for something, anything to make it stop. Whatever it is.
Phupha feels dread in his veins. He touches Tian’s forehead and it’s warm. Way warmer than it should be. He frantically feels his jaw and neck. Wherever he touches, it's just hot, hot, burning. Phupha taps Tian's cheeks lightly, trying to get him to wake up and talk to him. Tian's eyelids flutter but they don't open. His nose is also red and clearly blocked. He breathes through his mouth and each inhale seems harder than the previous one, each exhale gets heavier.
Phupha curses and runs out to find Nam.
Phupha sees Nam not too far from the Base, already getting his Jeep ready.
“Doc! Tian is burning up. Something is…” Phupha swallows. “Something is wrong.”
"Hey, hey…" Nam walks over right away. He gives Phupha’s shoulder a squeeze. "Phu, you're shaking. Calm down."
"Tian… he… he won't wake up. Please just… just make sure he is okay."
Nam’s eyes soften. “Let’s see him,” he says, and enters the room. Phupha watches from the doorway as Nam sits on the bed and examines Tian, trying not to succumb to panic.
After a few excruciating minutes, Nam takes him outside. “Phu, don’t worry too much. It's just a common cold. I saw him fixing the school floorboards yesterday. His shirt was soaking wet with sweat. I told him to change his shirt right away and not to let it get exposed to the cold winds.” Nam sighs. “I see now that he didn’t do it.”
Phupha knows Tian has been doing his best to take care of his health. He never skips meals anymore. He doesn't get stubborn and takes his needed rest whenever he feels the slightest short of breath. He has enough sleep every day. He makes sure to do light exercises while inhaling the fresh mountain air every morning.
Tian doesn’t tell him, but Phupha knows, now that Tian is staying here for good, Tian is aware that health care is a luxury in Phapundao. Yes, they do have a doctor and an equipped clinic. Nam is more than capable at his job, but considering Tian’s history of undergoing a heart transplant surgery, should anything serious happen, it’ll be difficult to get him an urgent treatment. The incident with Sakda must’ve drilled into Tian’s head that it took hours just to get Phupha an ambulance and reach the bigger hospital in the nearest city. It would’ve taken another long hours for him to get a surgery. If only Tian didn’t come with him to the hospital, maybe he wouldn’t have been alive right now. Just one mention of Tian’s surname, and they moved like their career was on the line. Well, it was on the line. It was unfair, but that was what happened.
Tian knows better than to risk his health like this, so why...
Nam leaves after giving him Tian’s medicines and clear instructions of how many times Tian should take them. After making sure Tian is comfortable, hydrated, and seems to be peacefully asleep, Phupha goes to inform his direct subordinate that he would not show up today, and to take the charge in his stead.
---
Tian doesn’t protest when Phupha cradles his head against his chest. He even obediently opens his mouth to drink some water and take his medicines. When he lies down again, his eyes finally open. They're puffed up and watery, his long lashes clump together, but they're also huge and still gorgeous and he looks up at Phupha like he has just now realized he isn't alone in the room.
“Chief. Why are you here?” Tian asks, sounding gravely ill.
“Because you don’t feel well,” Phupha says, pushing Tian’s damp hair off his forehead and scratches his scalp gently.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Yes you will,” Phupha says, a bit too fierce like he wants to convince himself. “But I can’t leave you like this.”
Tian opens his mouth to say something, but Phupha is quicker to place a placating kiss on his hand. “Tian, please let me stay home with you. They can reach me anytime, I promise.” He nods to the walkie talkie on the bedside table. “They’ll do fine without me. It’s just basic drills today.”
“But it’s still important,” Tian says, then sneezes pathetically.
Phupha presses Tian’s palm against his cheek and nuzzles it, trying to transfer the fever to himself, if only it’s possible. “You are also important.”
Usually, whenever he gets sappy like this, Tian would pull his hand away and tease him, but now he just closes his eyes like he’s too tired to keep them open. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” Phupha grabs some tissues at the bedside table and cleans his runny nose.
“For being an inconvenience. Again.”
“Tian.” Phupha waits until Tian opens his eyes. “When did I ever say you’re an inconvenience to me? I want to take care of you. I like taking care of you.”
When Tian doesn’t say anything, Phupha gets up to prepare a towel bath for Tian. His skin feels clammy with dried sweat.
They run out of firewoods. It's Tian's turn to restock them but of course he was too unwell to do it yesterday. Phupha rushes to the nearest villager's home to ask for some firewood. They ask him why he isn't at work, and he tells them Tian's at home and he has a fever. They scramble to give him a stash of firewoods and a thermos of warm chicken porridge. Phupha feels a bit choked up as he says his thanks. It warms him that they're so worried and care about Tian. It reassures him that no matter what happens to him, Tian would be fine. Tian is so loved, and he would never be alone.
Back at home, Phupha heats the water with the strongest fire he could get away with. Once it's warm enough, he pours it into a basin, gets a soft clean towel, and rushes back to Tian, feeling like he has left him alone for too long. He just starts wiping Tian’s hand with the damp towel when he hears a sad, quiet sob.
“Tian?” Phupha drops the towel to cup Tian’s face. It's wet with tears. Ignoring his own heartbreak, Phupha tries to catch Tian's eyes. "Where does it hurt?”
Tian only cries harder. “Everything hurts. My head… my throat… I’m thinking about my kids at school, and you skip work because of me. I’m so stupid for falling sick. And I,” He pauses, taking a shaky breath and burying his face in Phupha’s neck. “...I miss my mom. I miss her so much.”
Phupa feels his chest being ripped up. If only Tian was in Bangkok, he would’ve been comforted by his mom by now. If Tian was in Bangkok, he wouldn't have to fix the school floorboards and get sick like this. Scratch that, if only Phupha could give in a little and let go of his life here, they could’ve lived together somewhere near Phaphundao but less rural. Phupha still could do his ranger duties, Tian still could teach, and it would be more comfortable for Tian’s family and friends to visit.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tian.” Phupha says, stroking Tian's cheeks with the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears away.
“I’m sorry," Tian says. His gaze is unfocused, drugged up and delirious with fever. "I always disappoint you.”
Phupha stares, horrified. “What are you talking about?”
“I know how you get worried." Tian’s lips start to tremble and a fresh batch of tears wet his cheeks again. “I've tried my best. Dr. Nam warned me but I was too tired after fixing the floor. Khama invited me to have some coffee and I got carried away but I thought it was a good thing that I could lessen the laundry load because,” he hiccups, “The last time I slipped and sprained my ankle, you never let me wash clothes anymore so you do it all alone and I feel so bad…”
“Tian,” Phupha interrupts, feeling his heart plummet all the way to his stomach. “Did you not change your wet shirt yesterday because of me?”
“Yeah,” Tian smiles shakily, looking so proud. Phupha never hates himself as much as he does now.
Phupha remembers that day. Tian came home hopping with one leg, his arms around Yod and Rang. He was washing clothes and slipped on the rocks, catching himself at the last second and got away with a badly sprained ankle. Once they were alone and cuddling in bed, Phupha remembers thinking, this time it’s his ankle, but what’s next? What if Yod and Rang weren’t patrolling around the area? What if he cracked his skull and bled to death? Phupha was gripped with so much fear that he cried as he begged Tian so fervently, “No more washing clothes, Tian. Please. No more.”
Living in the mountains, Phupha knows even if Tian stayed away from the waterfall, he could face the same incident in a thousand other scenarios. Hell, Tian even hikes to Phapundao cliff alone once every few days. He doesn’t want Phupha to come with him. “I need some me-time,” he would say. As one who has lived a tribe-like life since he was a kid, Phupha is always surrounded by a neighbor, a family, a friend. The concept of me-time is foreign for him. But he respects Tian’s wish, just like how Tian always considers and includes Phupha in his decisions.
Asking Tian to stop going to the waterfall is useless, Phupha realized right after he uttered his wish. Should Tian argue, Phupha would’ve relented. But Tian surprisingly just went along with it, and Phupha had no reason to complain about that.
Right now, there are a thousand words of love and apologies and reassurance lodged in Phupha’s throat, but he knows Tian is likely to not remember everything when he comes back to himself.
“I love you, Tian,” Phupha instead says, desperate to make Tian understand. “If you don’t believe anything else, please at least believe this. I love you so much. I love you only.”
Phupha feels Tian nod against his neck. Such a rare obedience that he rewards with a forehead kiss. He sighs upon feeling the high temperature. “You are so hot.”
Tian chuckles. “It’s weird you say that kind of thing but you sound so worried.”
"I see you feel better now that you have the strength to joke."
"Why won’t I feel better? I have you here.” Tian snuggles further like he wants to literally bury his face into Phupha’s chest.
A rush of affection swept over Phupha. “You’d feel even better after I finish giving you a towel bath and you get some sleep.”
Tian’s smile is soft as he obediently raises his arms so Phupha could help take his shirt off.
Phupha leans to kiss his neck to acknowledge his best behavior, feeling so sorry and so in love he might burst.
---
Phupha stirs awake when he feels a warm hand stroking his cheek. Tian. He knows, because no one else has ever touched him so gently like he is a fragile, cherished thing. He gives the hand a squeeze before opening his eyes, and there Tian is, looking down at him with such open adoration. It’s been over four months of seeing that gorgeous face and sweet eyes every day first thing after he wakes up, and Phupha still feels his chest constrict each time. He feels grateful, undeserving, and scared rolled into one.
Now fully awake, Phupha notices that Tian is sitting on the bed, back against the wall. He has a glass of water and the thermos lid that doubles as a cup. Both are empty. Phupha breathes a bit easier. At least Tian is clear-headed and strong enough to drink some water and eat the porridge without any help.
“Hey,” Phupha says, pressing his lips to the inside of Tian’s wrist. “How are you feeling?”
“Much better,” Tian says, putting the glass and thermos cup on the bedside table. Phupha follows the movement and sees the clock. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon. “Chief, why are you kneeling on the floor?”
“Didn’t want to accidentally wake you up.”
“I woke up because I couldn’t find you beside me,” Tian says. “Come up here. Please.”
Phupha climbs to the bed and carefully lies down beside Tian. Like a slow dance, Tian turns around and shifts to press his back snugly against Phupha’s chest. Phupha circles his arm around Tian’s waist, almost instinctively tracing his fingers over his t-shirt where the surgery scar would be, a reminder that he almost lost Tian so many times, and Tian is warm and so much alive, safe in his arms.
“Your shirt’s a bit damp,” Phupha says.
“Hm. It means I’m sweating it out.”
“You’ll get cold. I’ll get you a dry shirt.”
Tian nods weakly. “Be quick.”
When Phupha’s back with a long sleeve t-shirt, Tian wordlessly sits up and lets Phupha help him change.
Phupha throws the damp shirt carelessly to the pile of laundry in the corner of the room and smirks at Tian. “Look at the clothes you have to wash once your fever's gone. Don’t try to give excuses. I won’t do it even if you beg me. More than half of that pile are yours.”
Tian stares for a moment, and then his lips curve in a knowing smile. His eyes get even more watery. “Sure, Chief.”
“But be careful, alright?”
“I will.” Tian tugs Phupha’s arm and guides him to resume their previous position. “I’ll come back home to you in one piece.”
“Make sure you do,” Phupha whispers againts the back of Tian’s neck. “Tian?”
“Hm?”
“This weekend, if you feel well, do you want to have a date?”
“A date?”
“Yeah, in the city.”
“Sure.” Tian chuckles, then coughs. Phupha rubs his chest soothingly. “Why do you sound so nervous? Like we don’t already do it every few weeks.”
“No, it’s… I mean in Bangkok.”
Tian tries to turn his head, then gives up halfway. “Ah, fuck, my head…” Phupha moves his hand to caress the side of his head. “Bangkok? Why?”
“You miss your mom.”
Tian stills in his arms. “Chief… everyone misses their mom when they’re not well. It doesn’t mean what you think.”
Phupha props his body up with his right arm so he can see Tian’s face. “Tian, this is what I think. You don’t have to be the one who always has to adjust yourself. First you left Bangkok. Then you left America. You left your teacher’s hut. You change what you eat, what you wear, where you sleep, where you shop, how you take a bath, how you cook, how you wash your clothes. It’s always you who tries to change. If you think that’s the only way we can stay together…please don’t think that. I no longer want to be that someone who only knows how to wait for the situations to change, for you to change. I don’t want to be that person who is so selfish and makes you think we can’t be together unless we live the same life. I can change, too, Tian. I want to make you happy.”
“You do make me happy,” Tian says in a daze. “I’m happy here. I’m happy with this life with you, exactly as it is.”
Phupha bends down to place a reassuring kiss on Tian’s cheek. “I don't doubt that. But I just want you to know… if you want to do something, or add anything to this house, you can. It’s your home, too.”
Tian sniffs. His nose is still a bit runny. “Then… I want us to stay overnight when we go to the city sometimes? I want to enjoy the spa with you. You always refused.”
"I just thought it was a waste of money."
Tian is silent for a moment. "Chief, I want to say this in a more humble manner but my head hurts, so… I'm fucking rich, in case you forgot. I can afford that. I can afford spoiling my own boyfriend when I want to."
Phupha smiles at that, and kisses Tian's forehead because he can't resist. “Sure. What else?”
“Don’t just drop me off when you drive me to the city center. Stay for a while. 30 minutes will do.”
“Why?”
“Join me when I video call my parents and my friends. They really want to get to know you, you know.”
Phupha feels stunned. His expression must be funny for Tian, because he giggles and scrunches his red nose. Adorable. “Yeah, I talk to them every week. Do you really think I cut ties with everyone just to live here with you?”
This time, Phupha is the one who tries to bury his head in Tian’s chest. “I’m so stupid.”
“You're not,” Tian says. “It might be hard to believe, but I love my life here. I’m not selflessly adjusting myself or sacrificing anything. I still have my parents, my friends, a job I love, and you. I told you two years ago before I went to Bangkok. Just one word from you and I’ll stay here. I’ll take care of the rest. Don’t you worry about a thing. Just be with me. Accept me into your life.”
Phupha can only nod against Tian’s chest, feeling the shirt damp with his tears.
“You crybaby,” Tian says, soft like a caress, and Phupha hugs him tighter, making sure not to smother him with his weight.
He remembers holding Tian the first day they met, when he fainted right into his arms. Physically, Tian might not be the strongest, but he is definitely the bravest, the most resilient person Phupha knows. The most powerful, too. One smile from him makes Phupha shed his exhaustion like a disposable glove. One drop of Tian’s tears, and Phupha is ready to crawl on glass shards and beg for his forgiveness. Just a touch from him, and Phupha is consumed by desire. Even now, Phupa is overcome with warmth, basking in the comforting circles Tian draws on his back.
“Are you serious about Bangkok, though?” Tian asks. “I don’t hate the idea. It’s just… do you even want to meet my parents?”
“I’ve met them.”
“It’s different. You weren’t my boyfriend back then.”
The word sends pleasant tingles all over Phupha’s skin. He still can’t get used to it. Maybe he would never get used to it.
“It would be an honor, Tian.”
Tian's smile, albeit small and barely there, looks serene. Happy and beautiful. Phupha doesn't dare to blink, trying to sear it into his mind, adding it to the shelves of his memory, so he could reread it like a favorite book; a fairytale that he falls in love with, even if it's been retold a thousand times over.