Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Derek and Spencer were finally face to face for the first time since Derek had made the absolutely asinine decision to drive an ambulance with a bomb in it into an open field all by himself. Spencer thought Derek was dead until he saw him, unspeakable relief flooding through his body for mere seconds before it was replaced by the most overwhelming rage Reid had ever felt in his life. He didn't hug Derek, he wouldn't look at him, wouldn't even talk to him. Everyone gave Reid a wide berth including Derek, who decided to drive Hotch home so Spencer could cool off on the flight. Hotch laid into him, which he didn't expect, but he could handle. Nothing prepared him for how angry Reid really was.

"Spence?" JJ said on the flight back.

She was hesitant, not wanting to push Reid any further over the edge. Little did she know, Reid was already mid fall off the cliff. The way he looked at her made her back up a bit, a quiet woah falling from her lips before she could stop it.

"What?" Spencer hissed.

"Are you... are you alright?" She asked, swallowing nervously.

"Fine. Now leave me alone." He dismissed her without a second glance, going back to his book that he hadn't even been reading in the first place.

"Give him some time," Rossi said to JJ as she sat down.

She was obviously frazzled. She'd never seen Spencer angry like that before.

"I think it's about Derek," she mumbled to Rossi and Emily. "I've never seen him act like that."

"Me neither," Emily agreed.

They spent the rest of the flight shooting an occasional worried look Spencer's way which he chose to ignore. When the jet landed, Spencer stormed off without a word. He sat at his desk fuming silently, slamming file after file on his desk as he finished them faster than Emily had ever seen. He ignored every single one of their attempts to talk to him.

The way Reid tensed when he heard Morgan talking to Hotch on the way through the double doors said it all. That's who Spencer was mad at. They were sure they knew why he was mad, but they couldn't get the bad feeling they had out of their stomachs, like this wasn't going to end well.

Reid finished his pile of files in record time, sitting there with his arms crossed stewing in anger for nearly half an hour afterward until Morgan approached him. Reid didn't even spare Morgan a glance when he talked to him.

"Hey pretty boy, you wanna talk in the conference room?" He asked.

Reid had obviously heard him, so Morgan didn't repeat himself. Reid sat there thinking for a few seconds before he stood up in a huff, stomping his way to the conference room. Derek looked at the rest of the team who were packing up their things to leave, not quite sure what to do.

"Did he talk to anyone?" Morgan asked.

"No. He nearly took my head off when I tried to ask him if he was okay," JJ chuckled awkwardly.

"Okay. I'll see what's up. Get some rest, guys."

"You too," Hotch said, patting his shoulder on the way to the elevators.

Everyone else followed close behind him, much to Morgan's relief. He felt better knowing him and Reid were alone in here. Spencer didn't yell much, but he had a feeling he would tonight.

"Pretty boy, what's going on with you?" Morgan asked as he walked into the conference room, closing the door behind him.

Reid was facing away from him stiffly. His arms were crossed and he was tapping his foot, obviously agitated.

"Reid, talk to me," Morgan said.

The way Reid whipped around to set him with a fiery glare made him jump back a little.

"Why should I talk to you, huh?!" Reid demanded.

"Woah, Spencer, calm down."

"I will not calm down!" Reid hissed. "What you did was stupid Derek, and you know it!"

"What I did?" Morgan asked.

"Did you really have to get into an ambulance with a fucking bomb in it and hope you could get to an empty field in time!"

Morgan was taken aback by the swearing. He'd never heard Reid talk like that.

"I did it to keep you guys safe."

"No. You did it because your ego is so ginormous, you just have to be the hero. Is that the only thing that makes you feel like you've done something useful? That's the only reason I can think of that you would do stupid shit like this time and time again!"

"Kid, I don't care about being a hero. Someone had to get that bomb out of there. This time, it just happened to be me," Morgan said.

"No, it wasn't just this time." Spencer's hands were clenched hard at his sides as he spat venom right at Derek. "It's always you. Every time. Every. single. fucking. time, it's you, Derek."

"Reid, why are you so angry?"

"Because I can't do anything when you run off like that, Derek! I just have to sit there and hope, pray, that you come back, because this time might be the time some psycho decides to put a bullet between your stupid eyes! Or the time you don't get out of the ambulance in time!"

"I did get out of the ambulance in time," Morgan said calmly. He reached forward to place a hand on Reid's arm, chest aching when he recoiled away from him. "I'm okay, kid. I'm alive."

"What if you weren't, Derek? What if you died? What are we supposed to do without you, huh! What am I supposed to do without you?!"

Morgan's eyes widened. He hadn't thought about it like that.

"I don't know."

"Of course you don't!" There were tears streaming down Spencer's face, and his throat was unbelievably tight. "There's this feeling in my chest every time you decide to be a damn idiot and run off like that. I can't breathe until I see you again. I always have to assume I won't see you again because that's our job, prepare for the worst but hope for the best. And every time, you come back, but it's only because you're lucky. But what if you don't come back next time, huh Derek? What am I supposed to do, suffocate?!"

Morgan wasn't quite sure what to say. He wasn't quite sure what to do. The only thing he was sure of was Reid had never really been angry. He was scared, petrified of losing Derek.

Reid sobbed harder than he ever had in his life. He felt exactly like he had when he found out Derek was in the ambulance with a live bomb, in danger yet again, like his chest was full of water and there was no room for him to breathe. When Morgan wrapped his arms around him, he collapsed against him. Morgan walked them both to the couch, trying to comfort Reid as best as he could.

"Pretty boy, just breathe," he said gently.

"I really thought you were dead this time, Derek. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again. Nobody ever lets me say goodbye." Spencer sounded so, so broken.

Morgan knew Reid was right. He always went into everything guns blazing, damn any consequences. But was that really for the team, or was it for himself? Hotch has said something similar before their drive back to Virginia.

"Your actions, as incredibly brave they were, would still be actions of an agent who doesn't truly trust anyone. My life matters to me, and I always have and always will entrust you with it. Would you do the same for me?"

He came to the realization that he never did any of those things because he wanted to keep the team safe, he did them because he wanted to be the hero, the one who saved the day. How many more times could he save the day and get out alive?

"I'm sorry I didn't think about how it would make you feel. I guess I did do those things for myself," Derek mumbled.

"Yes, you did," Spencer hissed, voice still heavy with tears. "You have no idea how it feels to see someone you care about save the day at the possible cost of their own life because their ego is so big they can't handle someone else playing savior for once."

That really hurt, but Morgan knew he needed to hear it. He could only imagine how he would feel if Reid put his life in danger on purpose like that, all for the promise of being the hero.

"You're so fucking stupid, Derek. Never do that again. Promise me right now."

"I promise I'll never put my life in danger like that again, unless there's no other option," Derek whispered into Spencer's hair.

"That isn't exactly what I told you to say, but I know that's the best I'll get out of you," Spencer grumbled.

Morgan laughed, squeezing Reid as hard as he could.

"Are we all good, pretty boy?" He asked.

"Yeah," Spencer sniffled, "for now. Until the next time you piss me off."

"I don't think I'll ever get you this mad again."

"Don't say things you know you don't mean," Spencer warned.

"Anyone get directions back to the airstrip?" JJ asked.

"Town's only got one road. We'll find it," Morgan answered.

"Yeah, Morgan doesn't like to follow directions. You didn't know about that?" Emily said.

"Yeah," Reid chuckled, "he likes to vibe it."

"Ok, smart ass. You drive." Morgan tossed the keys to Reid.

"Oh, great." JJ rolled her eyes jokingly.

They got into the car, watching Rossi and Hotch have an exchange before Reid was driving to the airport, taking turns with the confidence of a man who'd lived in this area his whole life.

"How do you know where we're going?" Morgan asked.

"I saw a map of Lower Canaan," Reid answered simply.

"You saw the map? For how long?"

"Maybe ten seconds."

"And you already know the way to the airstrip?"

"He cracked a very complicated code entirely on his own and the fact he managed to memorize a map in ten seconds surprises you?" Emily chuckled from the backseat.

Morgan sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. Reid's mind was really something else. Reid slept in the seat beside him on the plane, head leaned against Morgan's shoulder. Derek silently thumbed through the book in his lap, ignoring the snickers from JJ and Emily who were sitting directly across from them.

Morgan stared in shock at the TV as a reporter spoke about a raid on the ranch Reid and Prentiss were currently on.

"Hotch!" Morgan shouted.

Hotch immediately ended the phone call he was in the middle of, running out of his office as fast as he could. They watched the TV with baited breath, jumping into action as soon as Hotch declared they were the lead in hostage rescue and support.

When the leader of the cult discovered there was an FBI agent among the child protective service workers, they had to listen to Cyrus beat the shit out of Prentiss as she told them over and over that she could take it. Morgan felt guilty how relieved he was that Prentiss had taken the fall and not Reid. All he could think about the entire time was if they would get Reid out alive, if he would be okay, how injured he might be when they were finally able to get to him.

When Morgan heard Cyrus hit Reid through the listening devices they had in the church, every atom in his body screamed at him to do something, to get in there, to take that guys head off for even touching Reid. He rounded the corner, shooting Cyrus in the head himself.

"You all right, kid?" Morgan asked as he helped Reid off the floor.

"Fine. Where's Emily?"

Morgan chuckled. Reid was always worried more about everyone but himself.

"We got her out of here."

They barely made it out of the chapel themselves before someone set off the explosives. Morgan tackled Reid, wrapping himself around him like a human shield. When they got out of the rubble, Reid was flustered, not quite understanding why Morgan risked his life for him like that so casually.

"If I had to choose between saving myself and saving you, I'd choose you every time," Morgan said like it was obvious.

Emily watched the exchange at a distance, a little smile on her face.

"Everyone treats me like I'm in need of saving," Reid grumbled.

Morgan couldn't tell if Reid was upset or embarrassed. He didn't have the chance to find out which before he was walking away with Emily.

“So wait, she knew your name?” Spencer asked. 

Derek shrugged his shoulders, looking rightly confused. 

“I don't know how I could forget a face like hers,” he mumbled. 

“You've been with so many girls that you can't remember all their names?”

Emily scoffed. “Oh, come on! You're surprised?”

Derek shook his head. 

“This has never happened to me before.”

“It hasn't happened to me before either,” Spencer said. 

“Well, it can't happen to you, you have an eidetic memory,” Emily said, matter-of-fact. 

“And besides, you only have one name to remember,” Derek teased. 

Spencer smirked, looking at Derek with a mischievous smile. 

“Trust me, there’s way more than one name.” 

Emily choked on her coffee while Derek stood there stunned. Spencer could’ve sworn Derek was blushing, but he tried not to think about it. He had to be mistaken. 

Later at the station they were called to, Reid watched JJ closely through the blinds as she fanned herself and rubbed her swollen stomach. He turned around, brainstorming on where to get a fan from to cool her off so she wasn't so uncomfortable. His thoughts were interrupted by Prentiss asking him something. 

"You considering it?" 

He looked up at her, confusion evident on his face. 

"Considering what?" He questioned right back. 

"Having baby geniuses one day."

Reid immediately thought of Morgan, face flushing. The thought only lasted a quarter of a second before he remembered he'd be the one having the child. His stomach sank with blinding panic. Thankfully, Garcia chose then to call. 

"Hello?" He answered as quickly as possible, voice warbling. 

Prentiss chuckled, but thankfully, she didn't bring it up again.

Reid fell asleep on the couch of an abducted child's parents, dreaming about a little girl he used to play T-ball with who was murdered. He looked down at his chest, opening his shirt and seeing leeches on his skin.

"Get 'em off. Morgan! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Morgan, get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!" Reid shouted in his dream.

Morgan was woken up by Reid screaming, running into the room he was in as fast as he could.

"Get 'em off me! Get 'em... Morgan, get 'em off me!" Reid screamed as he thrashed around on the couch.

"Reid. Reid. Wake up." Derek shook Reid until he opened his eyes. "It's Morgan. It's Morgan, baby."

"What the hell's going on?" The father of the missing girl shouted from the stairs.

"Sir, ma'am. Everything's okay," Morgan said.

"You wake us up screaming, you think everything's okay?"

"I understand we startled you. And I'm sorry for that."

"You're the FBI," the guy said in exasperation.

"You're right." Reid rubbed at his stinging eyes. "I'm really sorry."

"Sir, please, go back upstairs and try to get some rest. It was just a misunderstanding. Everything is fine, I promise you that," Morgan said gently.

The father finally went back upstairs, but the mother stayed right where she was, looking at Reid with something unreadable in her eyes.

"Are you ok?" She asked.

"It was a dream. I'm really sorry," Reid mumbled.

"Was it about Mikayla?"

"No."

"I've been afraid to close my eyes. I'm scared I'll see her die."

"Ma'am, I know it's hard. But I need you to go upstairs and try to get some sleep," Morgan said. "Please. I am sorry for the disturbance."

The mother finally went back upstairs, leaving Reid and Morgan by themselves in the living room. Reid curled into himself on the couch, covering his face with his hands.

"I'm making everything worse," he mumbled.

"Reid..." Morgan sat beside him, rubbing his shoulder gently. "These cases get to all of us."

"I'm losing it in their living room. And I'm dreaming... I'm dreaming about dead kids and being covered in leeches."

"What the hell is scaring you?"

A few tears streamed down Reid's face. He sniffled, trying to keep himself together.

"This girl's gonna die and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Morgan pulled Reid into a hug, letting him cry himself to sleep on his shoulder. Morgan sat there with Reid until the sun came up and they had to get back to work.

"What's that?" Reid asked, gesturing to the file in Morgan's hand.

"You mind giving us a minute?" Morgan said to the detective in the room with them.

The guy nodded, leaving the room to give them privacy.

"I had one of the detectives pull it." Morgan handed it to Reid. "The name Rylee Jenkins mean anything to you?"

"No," Reid said although he really wasn't sure.

"Think. Back to when you were a little boy."

The phrase little boy made Reid's chest feel weird. He'd never been a little boy; it didn't feel right for anyone to refer to his younger self as a little boy. He brushed it off, knowing Morgan didn't say that to intentionally slight him, that Morgan didn't know he hadn't been born a boy.

"I had an imaginary friend named Rylee when I was little," Reid mumbled.

"Rylee Jenkins. She was murdered right here in las vegas when she was 6 years old. My math says that you would have been around 4 at the time. She was found in the basement of her own house, behind the dryer. She'd been sexually abused and stabbed."

Reid suddenly felt like he was back in his childhood again, his hair in their usual pigtails, wearing the dresses he hated wearing that his dad always forced him into.

"Great hit, Rylee. You're up, Stephanie." He heard his dad say.

A chill went down his spine at the thought of his father. He didn't want to think about this right then. He couldn't open this door again.

Reid went to see his mother's doctor to give him a profile of their assailant, visiting his mother while he was there. She looked at him in confusion as he sat beside her.

"Spencer? What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I'm here for work. We're investigating the murder and abduction of two 5-year-old girls."

"I don't like the idea of you working on things that are so sad."

"I know."

"You're so thin," she said.

Reid chuckled, leaning forward in his seat.

"I was going to come see you the second we solved the case."

"What else is going on in there?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to your mother, Spencer. We know. We feel things."

"Did I know a girl named Rylee Jenkins?" Reid asked.

"Rylee Jenkins... She was a story you made up," Diana said.

"No. No. She was a real kid who was murdered when I was 4 years old."

"Oh, I think you're mistaken."

"I've been seeing things."

Diana's eyes widened. She leaned forward, staring Spencer down.

"Don't say that," she hissed.

"I've been having dreams about her death since I was little, mom."

"You were always a reader. It affected your dreams."

"I remember when I was 4, we went to a funeral."

"Your Uncle Daniel's, maybe?"

"I also remember we moved houses. And you and dad argued about it. And you told dad that I was in danger," Reid whispered.

"Because you were," Diana said simply.

"Why... why did you think that?"

"I don't know. I just knew. I told you. A mother knows. We're animals, Spencer. We feel things."

Spencer left the sanitarium with more questions than answers. He knew how to solve their current case, but he still didn't know why he felt the way he did. They found Mikayla, getting her home safe and arresting their unsub. Morgan approached him outside the crime scene, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"You know, this is about as good a day as we're gonna get on this job," he said.

Reid cleared his throat. "I know."

"And yet you're still thinking about a girl you're not even sure if you really knew."

"When I was 4, my mother had a sense that I was in danger."

"Reid, your mother wasn't well."

"I know facts about the case."

"Reid, you've got a photographic memory. Odds are, you saw the story. She was just a kid like you. And it caught your imagination."

"I don't really think that you believe that."

"You wanna know what I really believe? I believe you could have done anything in the world with your life and you chose to do this job," Morgan said. "Your man Carl Jung says our unconscious is the key to our life's pursuits."

"Yeah. Yeah," Reid mumbled.

"So, for whatever reason, that case was stuck in your brain all these years, and it not only led you to this career choice, but to the same city where your mother lives, and for us to have the opportunity to save this child."

"Yeah."

"Like I said, this is about as good a day as we're gonna get, man. Enjoy your moment."

Reid stood quite for a few seconds, stopping Hotch before he could go to the SUV.

"Hotch, do you think it would be possible to wait until tomorrow to return home?" He asked.

Hotch smirked at Morgan.

"Do you think you could find something to do in Las Vegas for the night?"

Reid had the same dream that night, seeing the perpetrators face that time. His blood ran cold as his father stared back at him.

"Dad?" He asked.

He woke with a start, eyes already watering. Deep down, he knew he thought his father could've done this to her, especially after what his father had done to him as a child. His first thought was to call Morgan, to cry to him and tell him everything, but instead, he just laid there and tried to sleep.

Reid decided to stay for the next few days under the guise of visiting with his mother to sort out this case himself, especially after the dream he'd had. He had to get to the bottom of this for his own sake. When he got back to his hotel room, he opened the door to Rossi and Morgan watching daytime soap operas on his television.

"What are you guys doing here?" Reid asked.

"Hey, what's it look like we're doing?" Morgan gestured to the TV.

"Uh, breaking into my room and watching Days of Our Lives."

"Young and the Restless," Rossi corrected.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a plane back to D.C.?"

"You're supposed to be hanging out with your mom."

"And you're not." Derek looked at the boxes Reid had set down on the table. "Rylee Jenkins?"

"No, it's not..." Reid stumbled dumbly over his words. "That's actually... not why I'm here."

"Reid? Come on, man. Who do you think you're talking to? I know what this has been doing to you."

Rossi stood out of his seat. "Let us help. Maybe together we can find out who killed her."

"I think I might already know," Reid mumbled.

"So, tell us about the suspect," Morgan said.

"Truth is, I don't know anything about him." Reid swallowed nervously. That was a lie. He knew so much about him, it made his stomach turn. He knew what his fingers felt like on him, inside him, what his hands felt like holding him down to the bed, what his voice sounded like as he shushed him far too sweetly for the things he was doing. He shook his head, trying to clear away those thoughts. "He's my father."

Morgan watched Reid's body language. This was about way more than his father leaving him. There had to be something more, but he couldn't think of what that something could be.

"Before we go down this road, you need to be sure," Rossi said.

"He's right," Morgan sighed. "Some rocks don't need looking under."

"My mind is sending me signals. I can't ignore them anymore," Reid said.

"Mixed signals. That's what the subconscious is all about, you know that," Rossi said.

"Reid, your dad left you." Morgan crossed his arms. "You take it to the freudian extreme, you could say that he killed your childhood."

He killed that way before he left, Reid thought bitterly.

"Could explain a dream in which you see him as a murderer," Rossi suggested.

"I've come this far, I'm not going back."

Rossi and Morgan both sighed, going along with this for the time being. 

“Rylee was 6 at the time. Her father, Lou Jenkins, was supposed to pick her up from t-ball practice at 4. But he got delayed at work, prompting Rylee to walk the 3 blocks home. When her mother got home in the early evening, she found her dead in the basement,” Reid explained. 

“So, the offender came to the house after the girl arrived home,” Rossi said. 

“Or picked her up on the way there,” Reid suggested.  

“Coaxes Rylee into the basement where he sexually assaults her,” Morgan said. 

“The girl's mouth was taped shut,” Rossi read from the report. 

“Symbolic,” Reid said. “The unsub fears Rylee will talk, panics, weighs his options...” 

“Decides to make certain that she'll never talk,” Morgan supplied. 

“He finds a knife in the fishing gear under the stairs, stabs Rylee 9 times in the chest, stuffs her behind the washing machine.” Rossi closed the file. 

“So, the unsub's a white male in his late 20’s to early 30’s,” Reid mumbled.  

“Means we're looking for a man in his 50’s,” Rossi said. 

“Likely knew the girl. Maybe been to her house,” Morgan suggested. 

“Neighbor,” Rossi agreed. 

Reid turned through the file, freezing when he saw Rylee’s address. 

“Reid? What is it?” Morgan asked. 

“My family lived less than a half mile from the Jenkins',” Reid muttered. 

“Do you think your dad knew the girl?” Rossi asked. 

“I don't know.” Reid rubbed at his temple. “My memory's lack of recall just reinforces how little I knew about her.” 

Morgan looked over at Reid. 

“Reid, we're going to have to track him down. You do know that?” 

“We should talk to my mother first, neighbors. Get their impressions,” Reid suggested. 

“Reid, I don't need to tell you that this signature was need-based and sexual in nature. The man we're looking for is a pedophile,” Rossi leaned forward in his seat. “So, I'll ask you again. Are you sure you want to go down this road?” 

Spencer went to visit his mother, asking her questions about his father as nonchalantly as possible. After he’d gotten her very limited information on Rylee Jenkins, he started asking questions about things he’d wondered since he was a teenager. 

“Mom, did you ever think dads interest in me was strange or inappropriate? That maybe he spent too much time with me?” He muttered. 

“Well, sure, he spent a lot of time with you. But I wasn’t able to be there. He was filling in for me,” Diana chuckled. 

“Did you ever find it odd that I was always in the hospital? Always hurt?” 

“You were seven years old in middle school. The kids picked on you, and sometimes you got beat up. Your father was great about taking you to the emergency room, though.” 

“And when I suddenly wasn’t getting beat up at school anymore? What did you think then?” 

“Well, when you finally got into high school, the kids there respected you more. We never had anymore issues.” 

Spencer was growing more and more frustrated. He knew that his mother had no way of knowing his father had abused him; she wasn’t well enough at the time to remember. But he was upset that she hadn’t protected him more, that she still wasn’t protecting him now. He quickly said goodbye to her and left in a huff. He knew she wouldn’t notice. 

Reid, Morgan, and Rossi finally went to interview Lou Jenkins. 

“It's just a theory, Mr. Jenkins,” Reid said.

“You must be out of your damn minds,” Lou hissed. 

“We're trying to get some new facts,” Morgan said. 

“Well, you're hell and gone from facts if you think Will Reid killed my daughter.” 

“So, you were friends?” Reid asked.

“Who the hell are you to come here, asking this?” 

Lou started to walk away, and Spencer followed him, signaling Morgan to stay where he was. Once they were out of earshot, Reid addressed Lou again. 

“I'm his daughter,” Spencer said simply. 

“Stephanie?” Lou asked. 

Spencer flinched at the use of his dead name. Even though he’d had that name tattooed on his ribs, it still felt like a stab to the gut to hear someone call him that again. 

“I, uh, I go by Spencer now,” Reid muttered. “I haven’t been Stephanie for over a decade.” 

Lou looked hesitant, but he still used his real name. 

“Spencer, huh?” Lou nodded. “Will’s kid, a g-man? How about that?”

They talked a little while longer, and Reid found out his dad had been working in the city the whole time. He’d never had the decency to call, to write, not once. Spencer didn’t want to talk to him, but he was still upset. 

Reid asked Garcia to access his father’s records herself when their conversation with him didn’t go very smoothly. She told him there were no illicit cites, nothing suspicious. 

“On his home computer, he's archived, like, a ka-jillion things on one common subject,” Garcia said. 

“What?” Reid asked. 

“You, kiddo. He's got, like, everything that's been published online. Every article you've been quoted in, pieces you've written for behavioral science journals, he even has a copy of your dissertation. He's keeping tabs on you.” 

Spencer felt sick. His father was keeping tabs on him. He knew he was a man now, knew everything about his career. He didn’t think his father had the right to access that information about him, considering what he’d done. 

“Yeah, he googled me. That makes up for everything.” Reid grabbed his things. “I'm going to get some air.”

They eventually came up with the idea to try hypnosis. Reid asked for Rossi to sit in, too afraid Morgan would hate him if he heard any of the things he was about to hear. 

“Rossi? I... need to tell you something before we do this,” Reid said on the car ride over. 

Rossi looked over at him briefly before training his eyes back on the road. 

“Shoot, kid.”

“I’m trans. Like, I was a girl but now I’m a guy.” 

“Why is this relevant?” 

“In these memories we’re about to unlock, I was a girl. I just thought you should know, so you’re not shocked,” Reid chuckled awkwardly. “Also, my father, he uh, he abused me physically. You might hear some of that too.” 

“Is that why you didn’t want Morgan to come?” 

“Yeah. I don’t want him to know.” 

The whole hypnosis experience was extremely painful. He recalled his father hitting his mom, then hitting him for pretending to sleep. When he finally woke up, Rossi was comforting him. 

The rest of the team soon came to understand that Reid didn't care if his father had really killed Rylee or not. He just wanted to make him pay for something, maybe abandoning him and his mother, maybe abusing him. He couldn't put his finger on it. 

The way Reid sat across from his father in the interrogation room was odd. Reid was rigid, completely terrified, looked sick. Morgan couldn't understand why he was acting this way. Reid's behavior really shifted when William talked to him about how he turned out.

"You always were my special little prince, Spencer."

In the blink of an eye, Reid was out of the interrogation room and down the hall in the bathroom. Morgan glared at William, seeing the smirk on his face. Something about William was definitely off, but he didn't think he'd killed Rylee Jenkins.

They eventually found their guy, a man with a record who'd ended up dead across state lines. They arrested the guy who'd killed him, Rylee Jenkins's father.

Reid went to see his mom afterwards, to tell her about what was really going on before he left. 

“What is it Spencer?” She asked as soon as she saw him. 

“I... I need to tell you something about dad,” he said quietly.

“How he hit you when you were little?”

“No. Not that. I... he...” Reid sat down, grabbing one of his mom’s hands. “When I was 10, dad came into my room and touched me.” 

“Touched you how?” His mom asked, brow furrowing.

“He molested me.” 

Diana looked absolutely shocked. She didn’t speak for a few minutes. 

“I... did he only do it that once?” She asked finally 

“No. He did it until he left,” Spencer mumbled. 

“An entire year? Spencer, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I don’t know.” 

They sat and cried together until Spencer had to go. 

"You okay, pretty boy?" Morgan asked as they packed up to leave.

"Yeah. I'm, um... yeah," Reid mumbled.

Morgan frowned, knowing Reid was keeping something from him. He decided not to push him, knowing Reid would tell him whenever he was ready.

Morgan watched from a distance as Reid talked to the bartender at the club they were canvassing that night. He'd given Reid a few pointers, trying to help him feel more confident talking to girls, but now he couldn't help the jealously he felt in the pit of his stomach at the sight of Reid flirting with someone. The bartender was obviously interested, asking Reid if she could call him even if she didn't see the man they were looking for.

"See?" Morgan clapped Reid on the shoulder. "There you go. That's what I'm talking about. That's called game."

He didn't mention the longing he felt, deciding to keep it to himself. He didn't think Reid was even interested in him like that, or if he was even interested in any guys for that matter. Morgan hadn't thought he was interested in guys either, but here he was, noticing how delicate Reid's nose was, how plump his lips were, how his hair always looked like he'd just gotten out of bed. He didn't think he'd ever been so physically and emotionally attracted to someone before.

"You're right. I have no idea what it's like to be in love with another man," Morgan said to the suspect he and Rossi were interrogating.

The way Rossi looked at him out of the corner of his eye let him know that line hadn't exactly landed. Morgan tried to put on an act when he was interrogating people. Oftentimes, he wasn't even in control of the way his entire demeanor shifted, the way he talked, what words he chose. He tried to separate his big bad interrogating self from his normal self, but sometimes, the two merged. This seemed to be one of those times.

Of course, Reid chose that time to walk into the interrogation room, handing Morgan another file folder full of messages between Harris and his partner. Reid mumbled some specifics into Morgan's ear before leaving. Harris chuckled after the door had closed, crossing his arms over his chest. Rossi took the interview back over, grilling Harris as him and Morgan just stared each other down.

“Oh my god, Derek, are you okay?" Reid asked frantically as an EMT pulled shards of glass out of Morgan's shoulder.

Morgan chuckled, grabbing Reid's shaking hand to ground him.

"Hey, pretty boy, it's alright. It's just a couple scratches," Morgan said.

"It looks like far more than a couple scratches to me. You should probably get an MRI, you might have a concussion."

"Baby, I'm fine. Just leave it alone."

"God you two," Prentiss rolled her eyes, "just get a room already."

Morgan laughed that off, looking over at Reid, freezing to his spot when he saw the dark blush on Reid's face. Reid quickly apologized, scurrying away as fast as he could.

"What was that about?" Prentiss asked.

"I'm not sure," Morgan sighed. "Probably just can't handle the heat."

Prentiss laughed to herself. Reid nervously avoided Morgan the entire rest of the case, even turning down his offer to dinner.

"Alright, Reid. You always say yes to a free meal. What's up?" Morgan asked.

"Nothing. I'm just, um..." Reid cleared his throat. "I'm in a little bit of a mood right now. I'm kinda nervous. I just don't think I can go out. I'd feel a lot safer at home."

Derek nodded in understanding. They had just lost a serial killer, and although he didn't think Foyet would attack them, he couldn't blame him for being a little on edge right then.

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow, pretty boy."

Morgan didn't miss the blush Reid had as he ran to the elevators.

Unfortunately, Morgan figured out exactly what Reid had felt that night in New York when he saw Reid on the other side of that glass, locking himself inside with a dead body and something that looked suspiciously like anthrax. He felt like he was drowning above water, and even though he could see Spencer the entire time, he still couldn't breathe. He had a brief thought as his heart hammered in his chest while he was still very much stationary.

Is it because you aren't the one in there this time? You aren't the one in trouble? You can't be the hero today?

He knew right then that that wasn't why he felt this way. He was scared for Reid, scared he was going to die. He couldn't die. But everyone who'd been exposed to this strain had expired quickly, not responding to any medications given to them. There was a very real possibility Spencer wouldn't make it out of this.

When Garcia called him, tearfully explaining how Reid asked her to record a goodbye message to his mother, he felt like his world was crashing around him. He stayed right there outside the glass, appearing strong for Reid because he had to. He couldn't go out into the field like this. He knew he couldn't focus long enough to do anything but harm their investigation. He watched Reid become more and more panicked, almost collapsing in relief when the Dr. Kimura found the cure in an inhaler. He wanted to go with Reid all the way to the hospital, but he knew the kid didn't want him to see him naked, so he left out of respect for his privacy.

After he heard Reid had taken a turn for the worse on the ambulance ride to the hospital, he didn't know how he got through the rest of the case so coherently. His body was on autopilot, managing to take down the suspect without screwing everything up for everyone. He sat at Reid's bedside, holding his hand until Dr. Kimura assured him Reid would wake up soon.

Air finally came back into Morgan's lungs, and he thought he might pass out. They called it an oxygen high, or at least that's what Reid had told him once. When people can't breathe for a long period of time for whatever reason, the first full breath of oxygen often made them light headed, and sometimes people even passed out. He knew he wouldn't, because he was sitting there eating a jello cup, waiting for Spencer to finally open his eyes.

"You're eating jello?" Spencer croaked from the bed.

"Hey kid." Morgan looked out into the hallway at Dr. Kimura. "Hey, doc. Look who's back."

"Is there any more jello?" Reid went to sit up.

"Hey," Dr. Kimura said gently, walking into the room. "Not so fast."

"What happened?"

"You're gonna be all right, kid. And we got Brown. It's over," Morgan mumbled.

"How's Abby?" Reid asked.

Derek laughed to himself. Of course Reid wanted to know how the girl was doing right after he'd just come back from the brink of death. Morgan didn't expect anything different.

"She's on the mend. So are the 3 others. You were right about where to look for his cure."

He knew that would make Reid feel better, and it did. Morgan didn't leave his bedside until Reid was discharged a couple days later, eating nothing but jello and crappy hospital food till they left. He drove Reid home, saying something that raised alarm bells in Spencer's head when he heard it.

"Pretty boy, I think we need to talk."

Reid sat tense in the passenger's seat until they reached his apartment building. Morgan followed him upstairs, carrying his bags for him. He expected yelling as soon as he closed the door.

How could you put yourself in danger like that? How could you be so stupid? You were yelling at me after I drove the ambulance into the field, telling me I was only thinking about myself. How can you even yell at me about something like that when I know you'd do the same stupid shit if you had the chance?

The yelling never came. Instead, Morgan stood in the doorway, looking at him with a softness he didn't understand.

"What did you want to talk about?" Reid shifted awkwardly, clearing his throat.

"I know what you meant when you said you can't breathe when you know I'm in trouble, that you can only think when you see me safe again," Morgan said simply.

"You do?" Reid asked dumbly.

"When I saw you in that lab, I... I felt like I was drowning, Spencer. I stayed with you that whole time because I couldn't imagine leaving you like that. I knew I couldn't go out there and do my job with a clear head when you were where you were. I didn't feel right again until the doc assured me you were all good."

Reid didn't know what to say, so he just stood there silently.

"If that's how you feel every time I do something stupid to save the day, I can't make you feel like that again," Morgan muttered.

"But... you will," Reid sighed. He wasn't saying it to be mean, it was just the truth. "The job we work is dangerous and unpredictable. Both of us will be in situations like that again in the future, it's just a fact of the job."

"I know. But I promise you I won't do it just because I wanna play hero."

"You already promised me that," Reid chuckled quietly.

"That was before I knew how it felt to be scared you were gonna lose someone you care about because of a stupid decision they made," Morgan said.

Reid's brow furrowed, not quite knowing if that was meant to be an insult or not.

"There's something else, isn't there?" Reid asked.

"Yeah. I, uh..." Morgan trailed off, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. He shifted on his feet, avoiding eye contact with Reid. "The rest of the team is in trouble like that all the time, and I've never felt like that before."

"Me either," Reid confessed quietly.

"I was, uh, talking with my mother and my sisters a few weeks ago, and they asked me if I had someone special in my life."

Reid looked at Morgan hopefully, almost certain of what he was going to say next.

“The only person I thought of was you. You're special to me, Spencer. More special than anyone."

"Every time I write about you to my mom, she asks me if we're together yet in her next letter. Every single time," Reid chuckled to himself.

Morgan's heart was racing. He wasn't quite sure where this was going, but he liked how things had played out so far.

"Spencer, I want to take you out on a date," Derek said finally.

Reid looked at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Morgan smirked at him, patting his shoulder.

"What's wrong pretty boy? Cat got your tongue?" He asked playfully.

"I... I like dates," Reid stuttered out.

His face immediately turned beet red. I like dates? Real smooth, Spencer, he thought to himself. He worried at his bottom lip, hoping his dumb sputtering hadn't turned Morgan off. It actually seemed to do the opposite.

"Good," Morgan said, smile widening. "How about I pick you up this weekend? We can go to dinner or something."

Reid was hoping for the or something. He didn't think he could handle being stuck over dinner alone with Morgan, no matter how long they'd known each other.

"Something you wanna say to me, pretty boy?" Morgan asked.

"Maybe we can go for a walk somewhere? Or to a museum?" Reid suggested. "I just don't think I could make it through dinner on a first date. I'm too... awkward for stuff like that."

"Don't wanna be stuck alone with me?" Morgan teased.

"It's not that," Reid rushed out. "I just want to be somewhere where we'll be doing more than just eating? I don't know. Places like restaurants are too overwhelming for me, I think?"

"Pretty boy, relax. I was just playing with you. I'll go anywhere you want, okay?"

Reid nodded quickly, heart feeling like it was about to explode. He was a nervous wreck for the rest of the week, and Morgan was just fine. He was Morgan, but it was still infuriating to Reid. He knew Morgan was more confident and not autistic, so obviously he was better at stuff like this. But he should've been at least a little nervous.

By the end of the week, everyone in the BAU noticed how weird Reid was acting. Garcia finally cornered him near the coffee machine Saturday morning.

"Alright, boy wonder, spill it," she demanded.

"W-what?" Reid stuttered, coffee splashing all over the counter as he missed his cup.

He quickly set the pot back on the coffee machine, wiping the counter down with paper towels.

"Why are you acting so weird?"

"I, uh... I have no idea what you're talking about." Reid cleared his throat awkwardly.

"You've been erratic and very, very jumpy." Garcia squinted accusingly at him. "You're also stuttering a lot."

"You're telling me I'm not awkward like this all the time?"

"No, genius. You're awkward in a cute kinda way. This week you've been awkward in a weird kinda way. What's going on? Something's obviously bothering you."

Reid looked around for help, eyes landing on Morgan who was watching the whole thing go down with a shit eating grin. He sent a silent curse his way, hoping he'd stub his toe extra hard the next time he stood from his desk. As he looked around for a sign from god to save him, the other girls took that as their opportunity to pounce in and start asking him questions rapid fire.

"Guys, you're not even letting me answer," Reid sighed in exasperation.

"Because you're not answering," JJ said matter-of-factly.

"What's going on over here, ladies?" Morgan asked, casually pouring coffee in his empty mug. "You holding pretty boy hostage?"

"We're trying to get information out of him," Garcia said.

"What kind of information?"

"He's been acting awfully strange, don't you think?" Emily asked.

"Yeah." Morgan looked directly at Reid, eyes flickering mischievously. "What's been up with you, kid?"

Spencer thought about dying right there, that it would be easier and far less embarrassing. Panic bubbled in his chest, words tumbling out before he could stop them.

"I have a date tonight."

The girls froze, eyes wide. That was obviously not the answer they expected.

"Seriously? You've got a date?" Morgan asked.

Reid wanted nothing more than to throttle him, but he was far too flustered.

“Really?" JJ asked, excitement evident on her face.

"Awe, is that why you've been so stumbly?" Garcia cooed.

"Who is she, president of the local chess club?" Morgan quipped.

"Actually, it's a guy. Not that it's any of your business," Reid hissed, patience beyond spent.

"Well this guy better be ready to have the most handsome date ever, because I'm going to get you ready!" Garcia squealed.

"Oh, I wanna help too," JJ quickly chimed in.

"Can we meet him?" Emily asked.

"No?" Reid said awkwardly. "I, uh, tonight's our first date. We barely know each other."

"Hey pretty boy, you tell him you've got a friend with a gun who will kick his ass if he gets fresh with you, alright?" Morgan laughed out before walking back to his desk.

Reid rolled his eyes. The girls talked and talked around him until he practically tore himself away from the conversation to get back to his desk.

"Thanks for all the help back there," he spat quietly at Morgan as he passed him.

"Anytime, pretty boy," Morgan said with a beaming smile.

That night, Garcia and JJ invited themselves into his apartment to dress him for his date.

"Lip gloss?" He glared at Garcia. "You want me to wear makeup?"

"Hey, you'll look handsome in it!" She insisted.

He knew the team didn't know he was trans, but this still felt like an intentional slight against his gender identity.

"Do you think I look like a girl or something?"

"That's what this is about? You think wearing makeup will make you less of a man?" Garcia asked. "Makeup isn't a female exclusive accessory, Spencer."

He deflated with a sigh.

"Fine. Just be careful around my eyes, please," he grumbled.

Garcia and JJ both squealed in excitement at the permission to put whatever they wanted on Spencer's face. When he looked at himself in the mirror, he was pleasantly surprised at how he looked.

"You put blush over my nose?" He asked, more confused than upset.

"Yeah! Placing the blush like this compliments your face shape," Garcia explained.

Well, he didn't hate it, so he filed it away for later, making a note to try and replicate it on himself sometime.

"Thank you guys," he mumbled awkwardly.

"No problem, Spence," JJ said with a smile. "You look great."

He quickly shooed them out before Morgan could get there. He didn't want them to know who he was going on a date with, and he assumed Morgan wanted to keep it under wraps too.

A half hour later, there was a knock on his front door. He dropped the book he was holding, scrambling to pick it up, then dropping it again.

"I'll be there in a second!" He shouted shakily towards the door.

He finally managed to get the book in his hands, setting it on the table before rushing to open the door.

"Hey pretty boy," Morgan said, smooth as ever.

Reid's heart was in his throat.

"Uh, hi," he mumbled.

Morgan looked him up and down, and Reid briefly thought he might pass out.

"Did Garcia put makeup on you?" Morgan didn't laugh, he wasn't teasing, he was simply asking.

"Yeah. Don't worry, I told her she could," Reid chuckled to himself.

"You look great." Morgan still wasn't teasing.

Reid cleared his throat, looking Morgan over briefly. He was dressed casually, quarter sleeved shirt, jeans, boots, his leather jacket.

"I, uh, I like that jacket."

"I figured, considering how much you give me the side eye when I wear it," Morgan said with a sly smirk.

Reid blushed. He didn't think Morgan noticed his wandering eyes, but apparently he wasn't very discrete.

"You ready to get going, pretty boy?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah, I just need to grab something."

He quickly stepped back into his apartment, grabbing the fanny pack he took with him when he went out to do normal people things. In it was a fidget cube, his emergency anxiety medication, a little notepad in case he went non verbal, his inhaler, and his iPod and earbuds. Morgan snickered when he saw Reid buckle the pack around his waist.

"Honestly, I wouldn't expect anything different," Morgan said.

"Okay. I'm ready."

Morgan nodded, leading Spencer out to his truck. Reid sat in the passenger seat nervously ringing his hands together.

"Everything okay over there, pretty boy?" Morgan asked.

Reid knew he should probably tell Morgan before they went into public. He and Morgan had never been out together outside of work like this, and he knew his odd habits would confuse Morgan if he didn't have any context.

"Can I tell you something personal?" Reid asked, not sure how else to prompt the conversation.

"Of course, Spencer," Morgan answered.

"I uh... I have autism. I never told anyone in the FBI because Gideon didn't think I should."

"Did he give you a reason why?" Morgan asked, a little confused.

"You know he and I met when I was at Cal Tech, and he hand picked me for the BAU. I told him everything about myself because he was my mentor. He told me that people knowing I have autism would make my career in the FBI even harder than it already was. I know he was just looking out for me, but I feel bad for not telling you guys."

"You know none of us would tell anyone, right?"

"Yeah, I know," Reid mumbled, messing with his fingers. "It's never really effected me much. I obviously have issues reading social cues and talking to people, but that was about all the issues I had, until about a year and a half ago."

"When Gideon left?" Derek asked.

"Uh, yeah? I guess I had what they refer to as an overstimulation meltdown. Everything was too much for me to handle. I thought it was me reeling over Gideon leaving, but it didn't stop. I started seeing a psychologist, and I was prescribed special medication. Then, I started noticing that when I would get overwhelmed, I would start stuttering, and sometimes I would even stop talking. I guess some people with autism are verbal until they have a meltdown, then they become non verbal until the meltdown is over. That's what happens to me."

"Spencer, if it's been affecting your life so much, why didn't you tell me?"

"It never bothers me at work, most of the time."

"When you were angry at me after New York, were you having a meltdown?" Morgan asked.

"There's no way to know for sure, but I'm almost positive I was," Reid chuckled nervously.

It all made sense then. Spencer wasn't staying quiet on purpose after that case. He really couldn't talk. Then when he could, it came out of him so forcefully, it may as well have been a speeding bullet.

"Is that why you wanted me to take you to a museum and not a restaurant?"

"Yeah. Museums are quiet and not crowded. Restaurants are always too overwhelming for me, I don't know why," Reid mumbled.

"Hey, it's all good, pretty boy. I don't care where we go as long as I get to spend time with you, alright?" Morgan said.

Reid nodded, grabbing his fidget cube to prevent himself from shutting down. Morgan didn't mention the incessant clicking of the switch on the cube, much to Reid's relief. Morgan did sit there, observing Reid's behavior. He remembered how much Reid would click his pens in the office, driving Prentiss up the wall. Reid always told them he couldn't help it, and Morgan supposed that was actually the case.

"We're here, pretty boy," Morgan said as he parked his truck.

Reid nodded, quickly putting his fidget cube back into his fanny pack. Morgan got out of the truck, walking over to the passengers side to open the door for Reid. He offered him a hand to help him down, then closed the car door. The two of them walked into the museum together.

They both had a great time, Morgan more so, considering he got to hear one of his favorite people babble on excitedly for almost two hours uninterrupted. Then, Morgan took him for a walk in the park. It was getting dark outside, the slowly lighting street lamps making the blush and lip gloss Spencer was wearing look more beautiful. Morgan told him as much, and Reid's stomach felt warm the entire rest of the walk. They drove back to Reid's apartment building, pleasant conversation never ending between them. Morgan walked him all the way to his door.

"You wanna come inside?" Spencer asked.

"Sorry, pretty boy." Morgan leaned against the wall beside the door. "My pops taught me a first date ends with walking your date to the door and one goodnight kiss."

"Your dad isn't on this date with us, is he?"

"Alright. I'll come inside. But only for a little bit, okay?"

"What makes you think I want to have sex with you any time soon?" Reid asked.

He didn't realize how bad that sounded until it had already left his mouth.

"Woah woah woah. What's that supposed to mean?"

Spencer opened the door with a sigh, stepping inside.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm not ready to sleep with you yet. That's what I meant to say."

"I never said anything about sleeping with you, baby," Morgan chuckled.

Reid's face practically caught fire when he heard that.

"You want water or anything?" He rushed out.

"Yeah, water's fine."

Reid awkwardly shambled into his kitchen, almost dropping the glass a total of three times as he filled it. He didn't lose his grip on the second glass once, much to his relief. Morgan accepted the glass with a polite thanks. They sat on the couch, drinking their water in silence.

"Did you have a good time?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah. Tonight was great," Reid answered, a shy smile on his face.

"Good."

"Maybe next week, we can go to dinner."

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go, baby."

Unfortunately, they didn't get to go on their second date. They had the worst case of their lives to deal with, then another case only four hours after they'd gotten home. Reid was on the verge of a meltdown; he could feel it. Luckily, or unluckily, really, he was shot in the knee before he could have one.

Hotch was also in the hospital at the same time as him, but Hotch had been stabbed repeatedly by The Reaper, and Spencer had only been shot in the leg by a grieving father. Morgan still wasn't very happy about it, offering to drive Reid home and help him into his apartment. Reid didn't have much of a choice considering he couldn't really walk, so he accepted the offer.

"You good, pretty boy?" Morgan asked when he'd finally gotten Reid on his couch.

"Yeah. I can take it from here, thanks," Reid said dismissively.

Morgan wasn't an expert with autistic people, but he couldn't help but think Reid was struggling with his feelings. He knew right when he left, Spencer would have an absolute meltdown. A lot had happened over the past few days; they'd found an unsub who was feeding people to his pigs, only got four good hours of sleep, had to protect some random man's son for an entire day on little sleep, Reid had been shot, then Hotch was stabbed and his family was taken into witness protection. It was enough to make a normal man crumble. He could only imagine Reid was far past crumbling.

"Baby, look at me."

Reid looked up, but he wouldn't meet Morgan's eye. That was unusual considering how insistent Reid usually was on keeping eye contact. Reid was tapping his fingers as fast as he could on the couch.

"Are you okay, Spencer?" Morgan asked.

Then, the rocking started. Morgan knew that definitely wasn't normal. He knew that rocking was self soothing for lots of autistic kids, and a very common sign of a meltdown.

"Woah, kid." Morgan frantically looked around for the little fidget cube Spencer had taken with him on their date. He handed it to Reid, hoping it would help in some way. "Just calm down."

Morgan wasn't quite sure what to say to Reid, if he could touch him, if Reid could even understand what he was saying right then.

"Reid, can I touch you?" He asked gently.

Reid shook his head violently.

"N-n-no touching," he stuttered.

"Alright. I'll just sit here until you're better. I'm right here, Spencer."

Morgan sat on one of the armchairs opposite of the couch Reid was having his meltdown on.

"Baby, do you want me to talk to you?" Morgan asked.

Reid stopped rocking momentarily to nod. He'd started hitting the heels of his hands together a little too hard for Morgan's liking.

"Okay. I just bought this property in DC..."

Morgan told Reid about the layout, the history of the house, that there was this soft spot in a tricky part of the roof that he almost fell through when he went up there to check it out. He told him everything he could remember about the property off the top of his head, until Reid pulled at his hair and stopped rocking.

"The... the lamp," Reid croaked out.

Morgan switched it off, but that only made Reid more frustrated. He wildly gestured to his ears. Morgan unplugged the lamp from the wall, hoping that would help. The way Reid slumped against the couch, finally staying still for more than two seconds, let him know it had.

"Is the lamp making noise?" Morgan asked, because he genuinely didn't know.

Reid nodded, taking a few deep breaths. He made some gestures with his hands that Morgan recognized as sign language.

"Sorry pretty boy, I don't understand that stuff."

Just because Morgan knew it was sign language didn't mean he understood what Reid was trying to say. He made a mental note to learn sign language if it was the last thing he ever did. He wanted to be able to help Reid when he was like this. He wanted to know what he was saying.

"Sound sensitive," Reid forced out, voice still strained. "Worse right... right now."

Morgan nodded in understanding. It took Reid another ten minutes before he was completely out of it.

"I-I'm good," his voice was shaky.

"You sure, baby?" Morgan asked gently.

"Yeah? I uh... I've never had a meltdown like that," Reid chuckled out in disbelief.

"I can't say I blame you, pretty boy. We had a bad case, another one too soon after, Hotch was stabbed, you got shot. It's been a long ass three days."

Reid nodded in agreement. It was only then that Morgan saw them, the tears glistening on Spencer's cheeks.

"Can I touch you now?" Morgan asked.

Reid sniffled, running a hand over his face to clear the tears.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

Morgan was careful in approaching Reid, not wanting to spook him. Reid practically melted against him when he sat beside him on the couch. He wrapped his arms around Reid's narrow shoulders, running a hand up and down his back.

"You're not good, baby. It's okay if you're not good. You can't be fine all the time," Morgan mumbled.

Reid crumbled after he heard that, sobbing into Morgan's chest. The two of them sat there for what had to be ten minutes until Reid started to calm down.

"I'm just tired of this job, Derek. I'm so fucking tired. I don't think I'm strong enough to keep doing this job," Reid hiccuped, wiping his running nose.

"Hey, you don't have to do this job if you don't want to, Spencer. But you are strong enough, okay? You talked down an unsub and protected our victim even though you had a bullet in your leg. That takes strength, pretty boy," Morgan said.

"It's so frustrating. I think things are as bad as they can possibly be, and they just get so much worse."

"I know, baby. But everything's okay now."

"Is it?" Reid croaked, voice strained from crying.

Morgan sighed, kissing Reid's soft chestnut curls.

"Hotch is alive. Haley and Jack are okay, and they're safe. You're all good for now. Everything else isn't up to us. You can't work yourself up like this over things you know you can't control."

"But everything just feels so shitty."

"I know, baby. But I'm right here. I'm always right here."

Reid was finally quiet, trying to steady his breathing. The two of them sat there in complete silence. Morgan could feel Reid's heart hammering against him.

"Derek?" Reid squeaked out.

Morgan craned his neck to look down, eyes widening in surprise when Reid kissed him. The kiss was hot and desperate, making Morgan groan into Reid's eager mouth. They shifted around on the couch, Morgan making room for Reid who was crawling into his lap. He tensed when Reid hissed in pain.

"I'm good. I'm fine," Reid breathed out, pressing their mouths back together urgently.

Morgan threaded his fingers through Reid's hair, pulling gently. Their heavy, ragged breathing was all that could be heard in the room, along with the intermittent sound of their mouths sliding together wetly. Morgan had no idea where Reid learned how to kiss so dirty, but he knew for certain it wasn't something one could learn from a book.

When Reid finally pulled away, his lips were swollen and red, and his eyes were blown out in a way that made fire burn deep in Morgan's belly. His cheeks were flushed a pretty pink, darkening as Reid fought to catch his breath.

"Was that okay?" Reid asked.

"Baby, that was more than okay," Morgan chuckled, hands running up and down Reid's back. "You wanna tell me where you learned to kiss like that?"

"I took some elective courses at Cal Tech," Reid breathed out, biting his lip.

Morgan realized right then that he really didn't know Reid at all. I mean, of course he knew Reid, but he didn't know this Reid. He was excited to learn more.

"Is that fancy talk for I played kissy face with someone while I wasn't busy getting my three PHDs?" Morgan asked.

Reid blushed, awkwardly shifting in Morgan's lap. Reid felt a little embarrassed when he realized the way he was sitting; in his haste, he hadn't straddled Morgan's lap, he'd straddled just one leg, which was now resting between Reid's in a rather intimate place. Shifting had basically caused Reid to rut against Morgan's thigh. Now they were both blushing.

"My friend Ethan and I would kiss all the time. I suppose it was just something to do," Reid mumbled.

A crease formed between Morgan's brows as they furrowed.

"Ethan? You mean that jazz musician in New Orleans? The one you said almost joined the bureau with you?"

"Yeah. He didn't join the bureau because he was drinking a lot. It got really bad, and we had a couple nasty fights. It's alright, though. It's in the past."

"Spencer, look at me," Morgan said, voice deadly serious.

Reid looked up at him, not liking the look in his eyes.

"Did he hit you?"

Reid shrunk back a little. That was the only answer Morgan really needed, but he wanted to hear it from Reid's mouth, too.

"Uh, yeah?" Reid said, averting his eyes. "I don't really wanna talk about it, though."

Morgan's demeanor softened, hands running gently up and down Reid's sides.

"Hey, you don't gotta tell me anything you don't want to, baby."

Reid already knew that, but he felt better hearing Morgan say it. The two of them spoke for a little while longer until Reid was practically falling asleep in Morgan's lap.

"Hey pretty boy, I think it's time for you to go to bed," Morgan said gently.

Reid nodded, eyes half lidded. Morgan wanted nothing more than to take Spencer into his room and rail him into the mattress until he was crying, but he knew now wasn't the time. Both of them were exhausted. During the two weeks Reid agreed to take off, Morgan brought him dinner any time he could. They talked, laughed, kissed. That was about all Reid was ready for, which was just fine with Morgan. Any time he could spend with Reid was more than enough for him.

Reid was in a lot of pain during his time off because he refused to take the pain medication he was prescribed. Morgan knew he was just afraid of becoming dependent on them after his issues with dilaudid, but it was still incredibly frustrating watching Reid be in so much pain. He explained to Morgan that he would start taking them when he went back to work, but he didn't want to take them then.

"Baby, you're in pain all the time. You should really be taking them now," Morgan said.

"I'm not in that much pain. I don't want to take pain medication all the time," Reid mumbled.

"It's a non-narcotic pain killer. It's fine if you take them right now."

"I don't want to take them, Derek."

Morgan sighed. He wasn't making much headway, and he knew this would just escalate into a fight.

"Okay. You don't gotta take them. Sorry for being pushy."

"It's okay," Reid whispered.

They continued talking, ending up on the couch rutting against each other like horny teenagers. Morgan was just about to undo Reid's pants when he jerked underneath him.

"Sorry," Reid said, out of breath. "We can keep kissing, just... not that."

"Hey, it's all good pretty boy. Thanks for telling me when to stop," Morgan mumbled.

They kissed for almost half an hour longer, Reid moaning and gasping so pretty under Morgan.

"Can I suck you off? Is that too forward?" Reid asked.

Morgan was a little taken aback, but he'd be damned if he ever said no to an offer like that from Reid.

"Are you sure? You've got a gun shot wound in your knee, you don't have to do anything else for me. This is enough."

"No, I wanna do it. We can just do it on the couch, I'll be fine."

Reid gave Morgan the best blowjob he'd ever had in his life. What was even more great was how Reid seemed to enjoy giving head, like it was his favorite thing ever.

"Woah pretty boy, where'd you learn to do that?" Morgan asked as he tried to catch his breath.

"Do you really want to know the answer to that question?" Reid smirked.

His pupils were blown out, lips red and swollen, hair messed up from Morgan pulling at it. And the way his voice sounded... If Morgan hadn't just had the most world shattering orgasm of his life, he might have gotten hard again just hearing how wrecked Reid's voice was.

"I guess you're right. I probably don't need to know," Morgan chuckled.

He pulled Reid up to kiss him, relishing in the way he shuddered.

When Spencer came back to work, their first case was hard for him. The victims were trans, targeted because they were passing. Reid couldn't help but see himself when he saw them on the evidence board. If his life had gone just a little differently, if he hadn't been able to talk Ethan down all those years ago, he could've been just another crime scene photo in a file somewhere, another statistic thrown around at a conference for violence against transgender youth.

Morgan didn't know what it was about the case that bothered Reid so much, but he tried to support him as best as he could. They weren't officially dating yet, but he still cared about Spencer very much, and he hated seeing him so obviously hurt.

Reid attended the autopsy of the latest victim, wincing when the coroner told him and Rossi he'd been raped. The word fag was also carved into the poor guys chest, right under his top surgery scars. It didn't take a profiler to guess what that meant.

"He thinks they're being deceitful," Reid said. "These people are what the transgender community refer to as passing, meaning they pass to the average person as their preferred gender with little effort. The unsub probably sees this behavior as lying, that the victims are living a life they shouldn't."

When they got to the hotel to rest that night, Reid was on the brink of an overstimulation meltdown. Morgan followed him into his room, knowing something was up.

"Pretty boy, are you good?" Morgan asked.

He didn't get an answer. Instead, Reid hobbled around the room on his crutches, unplugging every electrical appliance from the walls. Morgan couldn't hear any noise, but he knew Spencer could, so he didn't say anything. Reid sat on the bed in a huff, vigorously shaking his head.

"The coroner had some plug in light. The noise drove me crazy."

It wasn't entirely a lie; the coroner did have a plug in light that let off a whine no one else seemed to notice that ground against Reid's eardrums. But he'd also seen the body of a trans kid, only a little younger than him, and he couldn't do anything but imagine his body on the autopsy table in that guy's place.

"You've been on edge the past couple days. Is it your leg?"

"Yeah. I've been taking the pain medication every six hours like I'm supposed to. It still hurts like hell, though. Stiff as a board, too."

As if to emphasize his point, Reid shifted his leg around, showing that his knee just refused to bend. Morgan sat on the bed next to Reid.

"Come here," he mumbled.

Morgan carefully grabbed Reid's leg, resting it on his lap. Reid melted when Morgan started to rub at his aching knee. It felt like a stretched rubber band that was about to snap, so the pressure felt amazing.

"Damn baby. It really is stiff." Morgan pressed his fingers around, feeling the joint with practiced ease. "It's pretty swollen. You're probably walking on it too much. You should stay back at the station tomorrow."

"We're down a man," Reid mumbled matter-of-factly.

"I know that, pretty boy. But we'll be down another one if you don't take it easy."

Reid knew he was right, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

"What's been bugging you so much about this case?" Morgan asked, prodding as carefully as he could. "I've been watching you the past couple days. Something about it's eating at you."

"The last victim had the word fag carved into his chest, right under his scars from his double mastectomy."

Morgan already knew that, but he still nodded along in interest.

"And he... he was raped," Reid said.

The way Reid said that made alarm bells go off in his head. He couldn't help but think of Ethan, what Spencer had said about him a couple weeks prior.

He didn't join the bureau because he was drinking a lot. It got really bad, and we had a couple nasty fights.

It all clicked in his head right then. Ethan didn't just hit Reid. He'd verbally abused him, sexually assaulted him.

"We see stuff like that all the time. Why is this one bothering you so much?" Morgan asked.

"It made me think about what Ethan did to me," Reid said, barely above a whisper.

"What did he do to you, Spencer?"

"I can't talk about it right now. If I do, I'll have a meltdown. I'll tell you when we get home, I promise."

"Hey, you don't ever have to tell me if you don't want to, baby," Morgan said gently.

"I know I don't have to tell you. I want to tell you, Derek. Just... not right now," Reid mumbled.

Morgan continued massaging Reid's knee until he was finally relaxed enough to sleep.

"Okay pretty boy. I'm gonna go to my room now. Get some sleep," Morgan muttered.

"Goodnight," Reid said, a sleepy smile on his face.

Morgan couldn't help but lean in and steal a kiss from Reid before he left his hotel room.

Reid didn't leave the station the next day, choosing to elevate his leg and work on the geographical profile. He was a lot more focused the rest of the case, and he knew he had Morgan to thank for that.

They sat down when they came home from the case at Derek's place with takeout. Morgan didn't prod Reid, didn't try to push him into talking. They just ate in comfortable silence until Reid was ready.

"Ethan and I lived together when we were at Cal Tech. He and I knew each other since high school. We dated for almost half a year before he started drinking a lot. Usually jack. He got scary when he was drunk. It was never really bad until the night we got into an argument. I'd had enough. I told him I was leaving, but he wouldn't let me." Reid stopped, trying to keep himself from crying.

Morgan placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Reid placed his hand over top of Morgan's, intertwining their fingers.

"For lack of a better explanation, he beat the absolute shit out of me. Then he raped me until I passed out. The neighbors heard me screaming and called the police. He couldn't get into the bureau with me because he was convicted of assault." Reid was fully crying now. He knew there was no point in keeping the tears back.

"He hurt you like that?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah," Reid cleared his throat. "Then, in court, he came in drunk. When I took the stand, he called me a fag, said I deserved what my father did to me, told me no one would ever love me because I was-" Reid hiccuped on a sob. "I was damaged goods. Because he knew he tore me so bad, I wasn't tight enough to pleasure anyone again."

Morgan's eyes widened. "He said those things to you? In court?"

Reid nodded, wiping his eyes.

"And no one stopped him?"

"Of course they did. That's all he was able to say before he was practically carried out of the court room. They didn't want me to testify after that. I guess they thought that was evidence enough. He was convicted of assaulting me, but I didn't want him to be on the sex offender registry, so I dropped the rape charges. When it was all over, he was sentenced to eight months in prison, mandatory rehab, and mandatory anger management classes."

"You met with this guy in New Orleans. Why would you meet with him if he did those things to you?" Morgan asked.

"He wanted to apologize to me. I thought it would make me feel better. Even though he was entirely sincere, it didn't really matter," Reid mumbled.

"Does anyone else on the team know?"

"Well, Hotch has to know, he's my boss. Gideon is the one I stayed with after I was attacked, so he knows. And I mentioned to JJ that Ethan hurt me, but I never gave her any details."

"If you didn't bring rape charges against him, Hotch wouldn't know, would he?" Morgan asked.

"No, he knows. It's in the medical reports. The exact words were lacerations from brutal sexual assault and traces of the accused's semen if I remember correctly," Reid said with a humor that was out of place for the situation.

Morgan knew the feeling, feeling like you had to laugh about it or you'd break down. Reid was only laughing because he didn't want Morgan to know he'd left out the fact that they were vaginal lacerations. He didn't think tonight was the night to tell Morgan. It could wait.

"Spencer, I'm sorry that happened to you," Morgan said gently.

Reid nodded, not sure what to say. Morgan knew then that Reid didn't want to have sex yet because he was scared. He was afraid of someone he trusted hurting him again.

"I promise I would never hurt you like that."

"I know you won't," Reid mumbled. "I trust you, completely.”

Morgan didn't know if he could believe him.

As they all started getting up from the round table, Hotch tossed another file folder in front of Reid.

“What's this?” Reid asked.

“You told me you were cleared to travel. You lied,” Hotch said simply. 

“Naughty boy,” Emily said.

“Uh, no, I didn't.” Reid smiled mischievously. “I am a doctor, so technically, I wasn't a lie.”

“What was it, then?” Penelope asked.

“Um...second opinion.”

"You're my bitch now," Penelope said with a smirk.

Reid looked at Morgan, seeing amusement and a little anger on his face. Morgan waited until the room was clear before walking up to Reid.

"You lied?" He asked quietly.

"Uh, I guess I did," Reid mumbled.

Morgan gave him a heated glare.

"We'll talk about this when I get back."

They did, grabbing some takeout before going to Derek's house.

"Did you restore this place?" Reid asked casually.

"Yep. Took me about a year and a half," Morgan said. "You want your food on a plate, baby?"

"Yes, please."

Morgan brought Reid his food. He sat on the couch next to Reid, taking his injured leg and laying it across his lap. Spencer hummed contentedly as Morgan rubbed his aching joint.

"You need to take better care of yourself, Spencer," Morgan muttered.

Reid sighed, taking a bite of his food. Morgan waited patiently for an answer as he chewed.

"I've been trying, but it's hard," Reid said.

"Lying about being able to work in the field isn't taking care of yourself."

"I know it's not. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal."

"You could permanently damage your knee if you aren't careful."

Reid smiled slyly.

"Kicking down doors is more your job anyway," he said.

"That's real cute," Morgan chuckled, "but I'm being serious. You have to think about yourself, baby."

Reid sighed, finally relaxing against Morgan's side.

"You're right. I don't take very good care of myself. I don't sleep enough, I don't take my medicine every day like I'm supposed to, I don't see my therapist nearly enough. I need to do better."

"What medicine do you take every day?" Morgan asked.

"Prozac," Reid answered simply.

Morgan was a little taken aback.

"An antidepressant? How long have you been on that?"

"Since Ethan attacked me."

Morgan nodded in understanding. He wasn't surprised Spencer needed medicine after something like that. Reid didn't mention that he'd actually been taking the medication since he'd finally confessed to his therapist what his dad had done to him.

Reid took his medicine that night, went to bed at a decent hour, tried not to drink too much coffee the next morning. He was really trying to take care of himself the way Morgan wanted him to.

"Pretty boy, you look well rested today," Morgan said as he got his coffee in the break room.

Reid smiled, getting closer to Morgan under the guise of grabbing the sugar for his tea.

"You should know how long I slept, considering I stayed over last night," Reid mumbled just loud enough for Morgan to hear.

"I guess I should know then, huh?" Morgan chuckled.

The two of them stood there in pleasant silence until they heard a voice behind them.

"This the line?" JJ asked.

Reid jumped nearly out of his skin, but Morgan turned around far more casually.

"The line for what?" Morgan's eye brows quirked.

"Coffee."

Morgan chuckled, moving out of her way.

"No, sorry."

JJ picked up the coffee pot and filled her cup. She looked at Reid, brows furrowing in confusion.

"Spence, you're drinking tea?" JJ asked.

"Yeah. Morgan already brought me coffee," Reid said simply before taking his cup to his desk.

JJ looked at Morgan in surprise.

"Have you ever seen him not drinking coffee?" She asked.

"I don't think he's even touched the coffee I brought him," Morgan said, eyes narrowing in mock confusion.

JJ scoffed, taking her coffee to her office. Morgan smirked at Reid, patting his shoulder as he passed by his desk.