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The concept of crushes was obviously not foreign to Mark. He knew what his friends meant when they talked about it, what his parents were really asking when they showed interest in whether he had his eyes on anyone. But since he'd never had a crush, he didn't know how it felt, only from his friends' stories and the books he read. Though in the books it was always the love that was emphasised, the first love or the recovery from it, but never anything like the first crush.
This lead Mark to the question of why the first love was more important than the first crush.
He'd be happy enough to have a crush on someone, no matter who, as long as he knew that he could have a crush on someone. Mark dreamed of liking someone so much his heart would beat faster and his cheeks would colour. He wanted to experience those supposedly magical things for himself, wanted to have his thoughts consumed by one person and one person only, wanted to know what it felt like to be close to that person and get to know them better, wanted to see someone in a special light.
Around him, ever since a young age, his friends started crushing on people, sometimes only for a few days or weeks, sometimes even months. At times, they'd confess to their crush, other times they wouldn't. Even less times, it would end in a relationship.
But it wasn't love that led them there, it was their crushes. So really, first crushes were just as important as the first love, maybe even more than. Really, lots of loves started from crushes anyways.
Mark sighed and slumped in his seat. Next to him, Lucas was rambling on and on about Dejun's face. It was a miracle he still had things to talk about with the amount of time he spent on it every day.
Mark was happy for his friends, he really was, but while they were enjoying their newly formed relationship that had been a long time coming, he was still waiting to crush on someone for the first time. One would think at the ripe age of seventeen, Mark at least would have had kindergarten crushes or small tiny crushes on attractive classmates but that wasn't the case. He'd never even had celebrity crushes or anything.
Slowly but surely, Mark suspected he was aromantic or at least demiromantic or something. He sighed again and this time, Lucas took notice of it, stopping his rambling in favour of nudging his friend.
“Hey, dude, are you okay? Am I boring you? Ah, you probably don't want to hear me drone on about Dejun, do you? Sorry,” he apologized but Mark lifted his head and shook it, replying, “Nah, it's okay. I was just thinking of something else.”
Lucas hummed and pursed his lips as his eyes stayed on Mark, looking him up and down. He didn't say anything after but the looks he was giving Mark, were boring their way into his soul.
“Do you want to ask me something?” Mark asked with a small, knowing smile. There was no way Lucas didn't want to know what Mark had been thinking about. As expected, Lucas' eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and a wide smile appeared on his face as he nodded vigorously. Mark shook his head again, this time amusedly.
“I'll tell you later.”
Lucas pouted and whined, lightly slapping Mark's arm but Mark didn't relent. If he was going to say it, he'd rather do it in front of all of his friends at the same time than three times individually. It wasn't a big deal anyways so he didn't feel too nervous thinking about how to tell his friends that he'd never had a crush before and wished he finally did.
After enduring a whole class of Lucas quietly complaining next to Mark and then another of Hendery's pestering since Lucas had decided to tell him about Mark's still unknown issue, it was time for lunch.
“So you're going to tell us now, right? You're not going to go back on your word?” Lucas asked all excitedly, reminding Mark of a big puppy. Dejun was laughing from his place in his boyfriend's lap and Hendery was looking at Mark with sparkling eyes not unlike Lucas had done earlier.
“Yeah,” Mark answered, rolling his eyes. “But it's really not anything exciting or anything. If anything, I'm pretty sure you guys know about this already.”
“Well,” Dejun interrupted, leaning forward, his elbows on the table and chin resting on the palm of his hands. “What is it? Xuxi said you didn't give any hints whatsoever.”
Mark managed a half-hearted glare but only received a raised eyebrow in return as well as the increase of whining from Lucas and Hendery. And since he was weak against his friends, Mark sighed again, massaging his temples as he avoided his friends' eyes and said, “Alright, so, it's not a big deal or anything but I've never crushed on anyone. It's just that I'd like to experience that, you know? Like, romantically, like you guys like each other.”
He gestured between Lucas and Dejun, the latter blushing slightly and ducking his head. Lucas only hummed, as did Hendery. Sometimes it was weird how in synch they were.
“Mh, well, what's your type?”
Mark looked at Hendery incredulously. That was not a question that made sense in this context but Hendery only looked back expectantly, both eyebrows raised and eyes wide open. Sighing, Mark shrugged and mumbled, “How would I know?”
“Come on, dude, who do you think is cute?” Lucas spoke up, Hendery and Dejun nodding along. “Like, which actors do you like, which artists. Is it more girls or boys? That's basically the most important question here.”
Mark pursed his lips, thinking about it. Yeah, he would still have a type even if he had never actually had any feelings for anyone. There were obviously going to be features he would be attracted to more than others.
“Mh, maybe someone with soft eyes? Not necessarily big ones but nice ones to look at. I'd say, generally a soft appearance, maybe someone with a rounder face. I think I like people with little moles or freckles.”
“What about their personality?”
“I guess someone who's caring? Someone I can be myself with. I don't know. Someone nice, I guess. I don't think I care whether they're a boy or a girl?”
Dejun nodded decidedly like he had just accomplished something great while Lucas, hooking his chin over his boyfriend's shoulder, declared, “We shall find someone who fits that description and hold your very own tiny show of the bachelor, only that the end goal isn't going to be marriage but getting closer to each other. Maybe you'll end up dating but that's also not the end goal.”
“Yeah,” Hendery agreed, grinning, and Mark knew it would be futile to oppose his friends. Once they set their mind on something there was no way of stopping them, Mark had learned this the hard way.
The bell rung just as Mark accepted defeat, signalling the impending doom of class for his friends and a free period for Mark. Lucas groaned but didn't complain further as Dejun slid off of his lap, pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and took his hand to help him up. Hendery got up as well, bidding Mark goodbye with the promise of possible future crushes by the end of the month.
Mark only snorted, waving him off. He didn't exactly know what his friends were thinking but he knew they meant well so he wouldn't say anything. As long as the participants didn't mind, Mark wouldn't either.
Sighing, Mark got up from his seat as well, making his way to the library. Sadly, he had exams to prepare for so he had been sacrificing the last few free periods for studying and he wasn't going to stop now. Studying in school was more efficient anyways, both in terms of time management and actually studying instead of watching YouTube videos or something.
The library wasn't very big and barely anyone used it, especially during classes, though that was exactly what made it so cozy. It had that homey vibe to it, the slightly higher temperature and that special smell of books, helping Mark concentrate and feel at ease at the same time.
They didn't really have a librarian since the teachers trusted the students enough to handle the books with care and not steal them or anything. And since Mark was the only one in the library most of the times, except for the occasional student or teacher, he didn't actually have to be quiet. Though, since it was still a library, Mark didn't want to destroy the somewhat serene atmosphere of the place by being loud so he always tried to be as silent as he could be.
That day wasn't any different, Mark trudging into the library, carefully setting his bag down before making himself comfortable in his favourite chair. He pulled out the books he needed, as well his folders and pen and paper in case he had any questions to write down. Arranging everything neetly, Mark took a deep breath, waited for the bell to ring, signalling the start of class, before getting to work.
He was so immersed in his studying that he didn't notice the boy approaching him after a while. This caused Mark to flinch when someone gently tapped his shoulder and whispered, “Excuse me?”
Mark turned and looked up with wide eyes. In front of him stood a boy he had never seen before. He looked a little younger than Mark, face still round with a little baby fat, his eyes soft around the edges, a warm chocolate colour. His skin was the colour of melted caramel, Mark's eyes unable to focus on just one point of the boy in front of him.
Said boy softly cleared his throat and it was only then that Mark remembered that he was probably here for a reason. Trying to muster his best smile, Mark quietly asked, “Yes, what can I help you with?”
“Um,” the boy played with the hem of his shirt, his ears tinted pink. Still, he had his eyes steady on Mark as he continued, “I just transferred here and I still don't really know how it works here with the free periods. Um, can we just be in the library if we don't want to be somewhere else, no matter our grade? Or do you need a special permission or something?”
Mark chuckled, gesturing to the chair across the table. The boy seemed so cute with the seemingly constant pout on his lips, Mark didn't dare to even try and mess with him a little.
“Yeah, we can just be here whenever we want to. Take a seat, if you want to. My name's Mark by the way, what's yours?”
“Donghyuck,” the boy mumbled, sitting down in the chair Mark had gestured to. He fumbled a little with the zipper of his bag before finally getting it open and pulling out a book. It didn't look like a schoolbook, considering the size and the new state it seemed to be in.
“What're you reading?” Mark asked, curious, leaning forward for a better view of the title. Donghyuck glanced at his book before turning it so that Mark could easily read the title just as Donghyuck replied, “It's called Lightning's Daughter. It's fantasy book with magic and all that good stuff.”
Mark hummed and leaned back again. He'd never heard of that book before but the name was definitely cool. Donghyuck smiled slightly at Mark before opening his book at the marked page and beginning to read. Watching Donghyuck for a little longer, Mark couldn't fathom the weird feeling he got. It wasn't a bad feeling, just an unknown, maybe a little scary one since Mark had no idea what it was. It made him feel kind of light but at the same time, something was going on in his chest.
Mark furrowed his brows and lifted a hand to lay it over his heart. It was beating in a steady but slightly accelerated tempo, making Mark glance down in surprise.
“What the fuck?” he whispered unter his breath, squinting his eyes as he looked back up at Donghyuck. There was no way, right?
No way, Mark crushed on someone for the first time not even an hour after having told his friends about his wish. That just couldn't be happening, was way too bizarre.
“Are you alright?”
Mark startled, catching Donghyuck watching him with a worried expression. It was only then that he remembered he was still pressing his hand to his chest, quickly letting it fall onto the table before answering, “Yeah, I'm fine.”
Donghyuck nodded slightly and shot Mark a tiny try of a smile before going back to reading his book. Since it had come to this, Mark didn't just want them to be casual aquiantances and he had to make sure what he was feeling was actually a crush and not a sudden sickness or something.
“Um, which grade are you in, Donghyuck?” Mark tilted his head as Donghyuck lifted his to make eye contact. His hair was too long, falling into his eyes and completely covering his forehead. It looked really cute how Donghyuck had to squint before brushing his hair out of his eyes.
“I'm a junior, I assume you're a senior?”
“Yeah, how'd you know?”
“This is the first time I've seen you and I doubt you're younger than me.”
Mark chuckled, nodding his head. Donghyuck closed his book, instead crossing his arms over it as he leaned forward just a little. In his chest, Mark's heart was making itself known again, beating faster just from such a little gesture.
As they continued talking about everyday things like the classes they took, what they liked and didn't, ranging from school to colours to food, and the books they liked to read, Mark felt himself becoming more at ease. He still took in every possible detail about Donghyuck, noticing the few moles on his cheek and neck that made him look even cuter, but he did so without paying attention to his heart.
It was a bit weird to feel like this when he had just complained about never having had a crush before. But, well, it wasn't like he was opposed to it. Though, a problem did arise. Mark didn't know if Donghyuck liked boys.
If Donghyuck didn't like boys, then this crush would lead nowhere and Mark didn't have to hope that he was even lucky enough to have his feelings reciprocated the first time it happened to him but if he did then it was a completely different story. And not knowing which was true also gave Mark hope and he just couldn't have that.
Softly clearing his throat, Mark tried to prepare himself to ask an outrageous question. Donghyuck seemed expectant when Mark wondered, in a low voice, “Hey, can I ask you something? It's very personal, actually, so you don't have to answer it if you're uncomfortable. Um, it's about your sexuality.”
Donghyuck snorted, the tips of his lips curling up as he allowed, “Yeah, sure, go for it.”
“Okay well,” Mark cleared his throat again. This was so damn weird, why did he have to be like this? “Do you like boys?”
“Yeah, I do. What about you? Do you like boys?”
Unlike Donghyuck, Mark blushed, avoiding the younger boy's eyes. He had expected the question to be asked in return but thinking about talking about this with the first person he ever liked, a boy at that, was embarrassing.
“Yeah,” he mumbled as an answer. “I'm pretty sure I do.”
Donghyuck beamed.
The library became the place Mark and Donghyuck met up in at least once a week, every second week twice since their free periods aligned. They kept their voices quiet, even though they were still the only ones in the library but it was fun to do so.
Much to Mark's joy, Donghyuck proved to be rather witty and definitely less reserved than he had been the first time they'd met. With him, Mark's study session turned more into free time at the kiddie area than actually studying but Mark definitely didn't mind.
His heart still jumped in his chest and butterflies kept emerging in his stomach. He'd never felt it would actually feel like it was always described in books and movies but it actually did. At night, when he was lying in his bed and closed his eyes, Donghyuck would pop up in his mind, smiling at him, giggling, laughing quietly. He'd call his name and take his hand, sharing his warmth with Mark. The setting was always the library because that was where Mark always saw him and it had become kind of a safe space for the two of them.
Whenever Mark woke up from a nap or an actual good night's sleep that Donghyuck was apart of, he felt a little refreshed. It was surprising how little Mark was angsting over whether or not Donghyuck felt the same. Really, he was just glad to be able to be so close to Donghyuck and continue learning about him and hopefully growing on the younger boy too, no matter in what way.
However, what was even more surprising was the fact that none of his friends had actually introduced him to anyone who fit his supposed type when they had promised to do so about a month ago. Mark had thought they would at least find one person who kind of resembled his type but he didn't mind not having to meet anyone new anyways. He had Donghyuck now so it was unnecessary to find anyone who could be Mark's first crush.
Still, he was curious.
“Have you guys given up or something? Was there really no one you know who fits my type?” he asked Hendery during lunch break, Dejun and Lucas too busy feeding each other to pay attention to their friends. Hendery raised an eyebrow and his eyes wandered somewhere that was not Mark's face. Then he answered, “We were sure you didn't need someone who was your type anymore since there already seems to be one.”
Mark furrowed his brows, turning in his seat to look where Hendery's attention was directed at. Just a few tables away sat Donghyuck with the friends he had said he'd made on the very first day, kids who were in all of his classes. Mark knew them since he was friends with Jeno and that was his clique. They were good kids, a bit chaotic but good nonetheless, so Mark had been happy Donghyuck had found friends like them.
“Wait,” Mark said, turning back again as he grasped the whole meaning behind Hendery's words, “how do you even know about Donghyuck? I never said anything about him.”
“Exactly!” Dejun exclaimed, pointing the spoon he'd been using to feed Lucas at Mark. Mark made a face and leaned back but Dejun was unbothered. “First of all, why didn't you tell us about him? Second of all, were you just talking about him when you described your type, which would mean you already had at least the beginning of a crush back then.”
Shaking his head, Mark shoved at Dejun's hand to get the spoon out of his face and announced that he, in fact, had never even heard of Donghyuck before he had met him that afternoon and since Donghyuck was a transfer student, there was next to no chance they had already met before.
“He just fits my type,” Mark ended with a huff and crossing his arms. Actually, Mark hadn't thought about it but Donghyuck was basically his type, as he had described it, inside and out. He may be a bit clingy and annoyingly persistent but not too much.
Lucas hummed, smirking as he asked, “And why didn't you tell us about him? Since he seems so precious to you?”
Mark furrowed his brows, wrecking his brain. There was no actual reason to keep Donghyuck's existence to himself, especially since his friends would have been over the moon to immediately hear about Donghyuck and Mark's crush on him. So really, Mark should've told them but-
“I wanted to keep him to myself?” Mark murmured slowly, realisation hitting. “Holy shit.”
After a whole few seconds of silence at their table, his friends broke out laughing, Hendery slapping the table so hard, everything on it jumped a little bit. His friends' laughter garnered quite a bit of attention from the people around them and Mark covered his face with his hands in shame, feeling the heat rise on his cheeks and ears.
“Shut up, it's not that funny,” he grumbled but his friends seemed to disagree, Lucas mumbling, “I wanted to keep him to myself.” before hysterically laughing again.
Mark sighed and hoped the blush would subside and his friends would let him live before the end of lunch break since today wasn't a day with a following free period that would allow Mark to calm down. Still, as his friends' boisterous laughter suddenly transformed into quiet snorts and giggles, Mark dared to look up and noticed someone standing next to their table. Someone in blue ripped jeans and a loose shirt and with the skin tone of a goddamn angel.
“Donghyuck,” Mark breathed before his eyes even reached Donghyuck's face, the reason why his friends quieted down clear now. He tried to get himself together and sound as normal as he could when he continued, now making eye contact with the younger boy, “What's up?”
Donghyuck smiled down at him, eyes as soft as ever and making Mark weak to his bones just like they always did.
“You guys are sounding like you're having fun over here so I wanted to join in,” he responded, making Mark glare at his friends who were huddled together in a giggling pile. Sighing and shaking his head, Mark said, “They're just assholes, sorry to disappoint. By the way-” It seemed today Mark's brain was slow in catching up since this was the first time he had heard Donghyuck speak at a normal volume and his voice sounded heavenly- “your voice is really nice.”
“Oh.” Donghyuck's fingers brushed his lips. “Thank you. You don't sound too bad yourself.”
“Get on with it, Donghyuck, we're waiting over here!” someone shouted, whose voice seemed oddly familiar. Donghyuck sighed and rolled his eyes, placing a hand on the table.
“My friends want me to ask you if you want to go to the arcade with us today. I'm sure your friends can come too if you don't want to be left alone with us.”
Donghyuck nodded at the three boys who had finally calmed down, now following the conversation with interested expressions. Mark nodded and smiled, replying, “Yeah, sure, I'll tag along. Though the change of scenery is a little dramatic don't you think?”
Donghyuck chuckled before saying, “Yeah, well, we can't keep only meeting in the library if we want to spend more time together. By the way, can I have your number? I'm genuinely surprised neither of us have thought of that yet.”
Blushing just a tiny bit, Mark nodded and took Donghyuck's offered phone, entering his number and shooting himself a text. Donghyuck was right. In this day and age, it was weird that neither had asked the other one for his number, especially since there could always be a time when one couldn't show up to the library. It hadn't happened but if it had, Mark would have worried the whole time, imagining the worst possible scenarios.
“Well then,” Donghyuck grinned as he took his phone back, “I'll see you later.”
“Yeah, later,” all four boys at the table chorused, Donghyuck going back to his friends with a small wave of his hand.
“So,” Hendery started, turning to Lucas and Dejun, “do we think this is a date?”
“Definitely a date,” Lucas said.
“Can't be anything but,” Dejun tagged on.
Mark sighed, rubbing his temples. Sometimes his friends were really too much.
“Guys, his friends are coming too and you're also invited. How is this a date? Not to mention that he probably doesn't even like me.”
Lucas clicked his tongue and shook his head, asking, in a disappointed tone of voice, “Do you know nothing, young padawan? His friends are going to ditch you guys to leave you two alone and enjoy a nice little date. They probably didn't plan for us to be invited but they can count on us.” He placed a hand on Mark's shoulder, a satisfied look on his face. “We're going to leave you to your own devices as well.”
“There's no way that's their plan,” Mark scoffed. They didn't have a reason to do so after all and the Jeno Mark knew would never just leave his friends hanging.
“Sorry, the others said something urgent came up so I guess it's just us and your friends today.”
“Actually, they said they didn't have time. So it's just going to be us two.”
Donghyuck hummed and Mark had to refrain from groaning. It irked him that Lucas had been right. Sure, something really could've come up but Mark doubted it with the way he'd seen Jeno and his bunch lounging in an empty classroom.
Donghyuck and Mark decided to just go then since it wouldn't make sense to wait for their friends to arrive.
On the way to the arcade, the topic of games came up, Donghyuck almost bragging about several high scores while Mark had to admit that he wasn't really especially good at any game. Donghyuck only laughed and promised he'd teach him if Mark did something in return. He didn't say what that something was but Mark agreed anyways, hoping to get at least a little better at gaming.
The arcade was colourful and loud, kids, teenagers and young adults all milling around, jumping from game to game. Mark had only been there a handful of times but every time he was surprised by the liveliness of the place.
“What do you want to play?” Donghyuck asked, almost having to shout to go up against the noise. Mark shrugged. He hadn't really thought of it and there was no game in particular that he was interested in.
“Let's start with something physically taxing but easy then,” the younger boy said, gently encircling Mark's wrist with his hand and pulling him along. Mark didn't exactly know how something could be physically taxing but easy at the same time but he let himself be pulled, taking in every bit of warmth that radiated from Donghyuck's hand.
The game Donghyuck had been talking about turned out to be Whack-A-Mole, a game Mark almost hated with a passion. He wasn't too bad at it but not too god either and that was more upsetting than being plain shit at a game.
Donghyuck told him to first play the game like he normally would so that he could direct and correct him the second time. Mark sighed but complied, whacking with all his might, his final score not bad but not good either.
“Alright, I see your problem,” Donghyuck declared, stepping closer and gently placing his hands on Mark's that were gripping the hammer like his life depended on it. And really, he felt like, with the way his heart was beating way too fast, he could actually die right now. “You lift the hammer too far away. You can see where the moles pop up but because the hammer is so far away, you need too much time to get to it. So if you just place your hands here-” Donghyuck directed Mark's arms and hands down, nearer to his body- “it'll definitely work out better.”
“Are you sure?” Mark croaked before clearing his throat out of embarrassment. This wasn't the first time Donghyuck was so close so why was he so flustered by it?
Donghyuck nodded and smiled, throwing a coin into the machine and gesturing for Mark to go again.
“You got this,” he whispered right next to Mark's ear and Mark felt a shiver go down his spine. This motherfucker knew exactly what he was doing, didn't he? God damn it.
Mark actually did get it, raising his score tremendously with Donghyuck's correction, jumping to hug the younger out of joy at the score on the display. Donghyuck let out a laugh and wound his arms around Mark, following the elder's excitement.
He squeezed Mark when they had calmed down, grinning, “If you can do this then the other games shouldn't be a problem. I'm gonna teach and we're gonna compete. It'll be so much fun!”
The arcade had indeed been fun. Mark hadn't won against Donghyuck once but getting to watch the younger boy be so immersed in the games, his tongue sticking out in concentration sometimes, he didn't mind in the slightest.
They only went home when it was already dark, the sun nowhere to be found, instead stars twinkling in the sky. Mark and Donghyuck were walking side by side, finding that their homes lay in the same direction. Their conversation was riddled with excitement for games, a teddy bear in Donghyuck's and a small stuffed lion in Mark's hands, the prizes they had bought from their earned tickets.
“Ah, this is where I have to go this way,” Donghyuck interrupted their flow of conversation, stopping one intersection before the one Mark had to split from the main road.
“We live pretty close then,” Mark noticed, surprised by the proximity they'd been living in. It was a wonder he'd never seen Donghyuck on his way to or from school. “I live a bit over there.”
He gestured vaguely to the direction of his home and Donghyuck smiled widely as he asked, “Do you want to start going to school together then? It would be pretty cool to be able to talk with someone while heading to school.”
“Yeah sure, we'll talk about the details later though, okay? I'm sure our parents are starting to get worried.”
Donghyuck nodded and Mark bid him goodbye but before he even took his second step away from the younger, he felt a hand holding him back by gripping his arm.
“You forgot something,” Donghyuck stated when Mark turned around confusedly tilting his head. “You promised you'd do something in return for me teaching you.”
Mark nodded and Donghyuck let go of his arm, instead tapping his own cheek, turning his head slightly. Raising an eyebrow, Mark wondered aloud, “What exactly are you telling me to do?”
Donghyuck sighed, pulling Mark closer by the shoulders before turning his head again.
“Kiss my cheek, please.”
Mark felt the blush adorn his face but he couldn't back out now since he had already promised be would do it. Clearing his throat and taking a deep breath, Mark prepared himself before he stepped forward to press a small peck to Donghyuck's cheek.
He hadn't gotten his face far away from Donghyuck's when the younger boy blurted, “I like you.”
Mark froze in his movements, upper body still leaning a little forward as he stared at Donghyuck. What greeted him was the most earnest expression he'd ever seen on Donghyuck, even as his cheeks were painted a light pink. His eyes were sparkling, hopping all over Mark's face in search for an answer. It was now or never.
“I like you, too,” Mark replied quietly but the fact that Donghyuck heard it anyways was evident by the way his face lit up, a brilliant smile making its way onto it.
“I know,” he cheerfully declared before throwing his arms around Mark, pulling him in for a hug. Stunned by the words, Mark needed a few seconds to react, lifting his arms up slowly to wind them around Donghyuck. He had been pretty sure he hadn't been too obvious except for the occasional blushing so he asked, “How?”
“Mark,” Donghyuck grinned, pulling his face away enough to be able to look at the older boy. “you asked me if I liked boys the first time we met.”
“Yeah, I guess I did that,” Mark mumbled and Donghyuck laughed again, pulling him even closer.
And that was how they stood on the sidewalk for minutes, just embracing each other, feeling the other's heart beat fast at how close they were. They pressed their cheeks together and smiled into the other's neck, both vowing to themselves not to let this moment go by any time soon.