Chapter Text
Shinji and Kaworu sat across from each other in a booth at a coffee shop. This was the first time they had been alone since coming to the new world. They’d been around each other plenty of times, but they’d also been around Rei, Mari, and Asuka during those times too. It’s amazing how quickly a group can be brought together after enduring the apocalypse with each other.
Kaworu stared in silence at his coffee. Where to even begin? It felt like there was a mountain of things he wanted to say, but now that he was here with Shinji, he had no idea where to start.
Shinji started, “Did you know baristas can make pictures out of the cream in coffee? I saw one online the other day, it was a little bunny.”
Kaworu chuckled, “It’s amazing what humans can accomplish when they have no immediate needs. When they aren’t fighting for their lives, coffee art becomes something that can be created and appreciated.”
They were silent for a moment, savoring the moment of levity before delving into the heavier topics.
“I wanted to thank you for saving me. I had been so caught up in helping you achieve happiness that I never stopped to think about my own. I fear that I’d been neglecting myself for so long, I had forgotten what it’s like to love yourself.” Kaworu’s voice came out in stutters as his throat began to tighten. He wiped at his eyes when tears blurred his vision. Shinji took his hand in his, his fingers delicate, like they were handling a porcelain doll, yet firm, showing unwavering support.
“Don’t sell yourself short, Kaworu, if it wasn’t for you, I would have never gained confidence in myself. You were there for me when no one else was, when it felt like the world had abandoned me. I guess you could say if you hadn’t saved me during that time, I never could have saved you. So I guess we’re even in that department.” Shinji smiled reassuringly, though there was a tinge of sadness, “By the way, I haven’t really had a chance to ask, but how have you been doing? City life is so… normal compared to our previous lives. It seems unreal sometimes.”
Kaworu cringed, he’d known this topic would need to be addressed, but he didn’t like talking about it. “I-I haven’t been doing amazing. I get nightmares on a daily basis, and I’ll wake up and think I’m on the moon again, stuck in the cycle still. Honestly compared to those times, the times spent here with you and the others still feel like a dream. So I haven’t really been sleeping well.” Kaworu paused, staring at Shinji’s hand, rubbing his thumb over Shinji’s knuckles. “I never thought- I always was so focused on breaking you out of the cycle, I never in my wildest dreams thought that there would be a future for me after it ended. So I guess I’m not really sure what to do now. Compared to before, I feel so directionless.”
Shinji withdrew his hand, and Kaworu raised his eyes, hurt at first until he realized Shinji was sliding over to his side of the booth. Shinji retook his hand, holding it with both of his. “I understand. It’s scary, not knowing what we should be doing, what our grand purpose is… but I think maybe that’s what life is really supposed to be like. I don’t think anyone actually knows what they’re doing, I think we’re just supposed to take it day by day, taking whatever life throws our way in stride. And I also get nightmares... of the battles… of the choker… sometimes I’ll wake up and it’ll feel like I’m drowning in LCL. But I did some research. These nightmares will fade with time. But dealing with them alone, in the dark, is difficult.”
Kaworu nodded vigorously, “Exactly, and then when you realize what happened, it’s like there’s this crushing sadness. Like you’re alone in the universe, like these things won’t ever end, it begins to feel like a curse.”
Shinji nodded, “But you know? I think there’s hope, I was actually doing some thinking, and maybe it would be easier to deal with the trauma if we weren’t alone all the time? It could be better if we had each other to look out for.”
Kaworu’s face lit up with hope, he’d thought he was alone in his suffering, he’d thought there was no way to change his situation, but spending more time with Shinji could be a welcome change. He thinks he’d be happier that way. “I think that would be wonderful. What exactly are you suggesting?”
Shinji blushed, “Remember that time you slept over in my room and we talked together? All those loops ago? Well what if we shared an apartment together?”
Kaworu couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Living with Shinji? The one person who made him feel like he could do anything? It seemed almost too good to be true. “I’d love that, Shinji.” He said, excitement obvious in his voice and expression.
Shinji let out a breath he’d been holding, “Great! I’m sorry, I was kind of nervous about asking you that. To be honest I wasn’t sure you’d even want to associate with me after all the suffering I caused you.”
Kaworu frowned, “Shinji, don’t ever be sorry, it was always my choice to sacrifice myself for you. It wore me down doing it over and over again, and it never seemed to end, but in times when I considered skipping the cycle, just letting nature take its course, I’d remember all the times you smiled after we spent a moment in the baths, or while we stared at the stars together, and I’d realize time and time again that it was worth it. If I could provide even the slightest bit of reprieve for you, I’d try again no matter how many times it takes.”
Shinji smiled in his soft, shy way, the way that lit the fire in Kaworu’s heart. “Did you really mean everything you said in those cycles?”
Kaworu placed Shinji’s hand over his chest, “With all my heart, every time. I love you, Shinji. And I don’t think I could stop loving you if I tried.”
Shinji smiled again, brilliantly like a sunrise after an endless dark night, “I think… I love you too Kaworu, and I want to be there for you like you’ve been there for me.”
And just like that, it seemed like color finally filled out his dreary world. Kaworu couldn’t help it. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Shinji, resting his chin on his neck. And as Shinji wrapped his arms around him in turn, he felt such a feeling of elation it seemed like he would float off into the stars at any moment. And in that moment, Kaworu was sure that everything would work itself out.