Work Text:
Sooyoung knows that it’s ok to have a bad day.
She’s known about her depression a long time before her counsellor “diagnosed” her, hell that's why she went to a counsellor in the first place. Her depression wasn’t new to her but her trying to be better and work through it was a much more recent development. Honestly if it wasn’t for her girlfriends she doesn’t know if she would have made it this far in the first place.
Her girlfriends.
Thinking about them made Sooyoung so happy. She was always thankful for having them and despite them being with her every step of the way somedays Sooyoung just can’t help but feel like she wasn’t enough for them. She never really says it but some days she thinks that maybe Haseul and Jinsoul were better off without her.
Sooyoung’s talked to them about it before, understands that it’s not true, that what she’s feeling is irrational but sometimes she can’t help it. It’s gotten better after starting counselling, she’s had less bad days, more days where she gets up and looks forward to her day but sometimes, sometimes she just wakes up and feels like there’s no point and that really she’s just trying for nothing.
Rationally she knows, understands, that it’s ok to have a bad day, that it's ok to stumble and that she’s making progress. On bad days, what you understand, and what you feel are two very, very different things.
Sooyoung doesn’t want to bother her girlfriends and the thought of telling them is daunting. She's scared that they’ll get tired of her insecurity, that they’ll turn their back on her, that maybe she’s right and her telling them causes them to realize that they don't want her anymore and she’ll be left alone again. Sooyoung’s not used to asking for help, and sometimes old coping mechanisms are hard to break.
Besides she knows how to take care of herself she rationalizes, she’s made it this far without help and she’ll continue doing it. It’s self destructive, and idiotic and so Sooyoung of her to think that she can bottle it all up before it breaks, but it happens sooner than she wants it to.
It was a rainy day, Sooyoung’s favourite kind of day, the smell of rain reminds her of Jinsoul and the word for it “petrichor” reminds Sooyoung of the days when Haseul lays on her stomach and tells her what new words she learned that day, days where they talk pointlessly but makes Sooyoung feel warm, content to listen to her talk and play with her hair.
But sadly despite that being the first thought that enters her mind, today Sooyoung feels blue. Sadness. That’s what she feels just that. Sooyoung blames it on not running yesterday, or stress but today she feels listless.
She opens her group chat, messages her girlfriends both a “Good morning <3” but they both don’t respond.They’re still asleep most likely, but she’s used to it. She’s the one that wakes up the earliest and they normally respond to her later in the day.
She thinks about trying to get up and practice for her dance class, but today she just doesn’t want to practice, the frustration she knows she’ll feel after trying and feeling like it’s not good enough, was more than enough to keep her from trying.
She sighs, sitting on her bed with her head in her hands, resigning herself to at least trying to finish her basic responsibilities. She gets up, stretches and tries to look at the bright side. She manages to crack a half smile at hearing her phone go off, but it quickly fades as she sees that it’s just a notification from Instagram, telling her that someone she barely cares about “posted for the first time in a while”. She goes to the kitchen, makes herself breakfast, not bothering to change out of her oversized sweater and shorts and puts on some sad music.
Now people might ask, why would you listen to sad music when you feel sad? Well, it was a question she gets asked a lot, she remembers Jinsoul jokingly telling her that she listens to “e-girl music” when she’s sad and she chuckles mirthlessly at the memory. Honestly, she just liked that the music mirrored how she felt, it was almost like it understood her, and it was a way to voice her feelings and to release what she felt.
The girls don’t message her back good morning that day, and whilst she understands that both of them were supposed to be busy this weekend working on assignments, she still feels bad.
---
She goes to work, knowing that just because she’s sad doesn’t mean that she gets to skip out on her responsibilities, and even seeing Jiwoo and Chaewon at work isn’t enough to get her out of her mood, she just worked, barely participating in their conversation and distracted herself by trying to work harder than normal.
She makes the mistake of looking at the group chat with all the girls in it, seeing Haseul and Jinsoul joking around with their friends sends a pang of sadness into her chest. ‘Oh…” Sooyoung can’t help but be hurt seeing it, her only positive thought about them not messaging her back was that maybe they hadn't seen it, but now that idea was out the window. Now all she’s left with is her anxiety making her wonder whether or not it means something even though rationally she knows that it doesn’t.
She knows that she’s blowing it out of proportion, that it was a small thing and that it didn’t mean anything, but it just added onto her feelings of inadequacy, and exacerbated her feeling of loneliness even more. She remembers learning that word from Haseul and somehow it left a bitter taste in her mouth.
It’s dark after work, and cold, the rain still pouring, giving her a sense of calmness but it was all tinged with melancholy. She barely has time to think of the word before she hears her phone go off, a text from Haseul on her screen, asking her to come over for dinner. Her heart leaps at the message, she wanted nothing more than to go and really she should say yes, but all she can think about is how she’d spoil Haseul and Jinsoul’s night so she responds with a “No, but you and Jinsoul have fun ok? :)” and turns her phone off before she can regret doing it.
She walks in the rain slowly watching the raindrops fall on her clear umbrella, the one Jinsoul got her, because she knows how much Sooyoung loves looking at the rain.
Jinsoul.
Haseul.
Sooyoung takes a deep breath.
What is she doing? she could be with her girls but instead she’s here feeling sorry for herself.
Deciding that enough was enough she immediately turned around, walking as fast as she could in the direction of Haseul’s house.
---
Haseul was laughing at a joke that Jinsoul was telling her, something about how Jungeun was babying Yerim again but somehow even though she was happy she felt like something was wrong. The way Sooyoung sounded over text was bugging her, she knew her girlfriend wasn’t working but she still said no to dinner with her and Jinsoul, normally Sooyoung would leap at the chance to have dinner with them but for some reason she declined.
She tried not letting it get to her, but she was worried for their girlfriend.
Before she had time to think about it, she heard her doorbell go off. She stood up to get the door, wondering who it could be, half hoping it was Sooyoung. Jinsoul followed her with her eyes peeking her head into the foyer of their apartment also wondering who it could be.
Haseul opened the door, only to be greeted with a drenched Sooyoung, and while that was concerning enough, the bashful almost scared look in her eyes scared Haseul even more.
“I-i’m sorry… was i interrupting something?” asked Sooyoung almost teasingly but for once her smirk didn’t reach her eyes, and she looked at Jinsoul worriedly, as the girl went off to Jinsoul’s room, probably looking for a towel for their drenched girlfriend.
“No,” Haseul shook her head, smiling at Sooyoung, “you’re always welcome Soo, you know that.”
She reached for the girl’s hand leading her inside, but also because she figured that Sooyoung could use some warmth.
She was leading Sooyoung to a chair when a towel landed on Sooyoung’s head, undeniably thrown by one Jung Jinsoul.
Sooyoung peeked her head out from under the towel, the sight of a smirking Jinsoul in front of her making her pout.
Haseul almost coo’ed at how cute Sooyoung looked right then but feeling the girl’s hand shiver she moved her hands to dry off her oldest girlfriend. Jinsoul walked over and passed Haseul. She wondered what Jinsoul was doing but couldn’t see over Sooyoung’s head, so she decided to focus on the task at hand.
Once Sooyoung was dry, (and changed courtesy of the spare clothes that Jinsoul brought) Haseul sat her down on the kitchen table, a bowl of warm soup laid in front of her, Jinsoul having taken the liberty of reheating their dinner.
Sooyoung stared at the soup and the two girls sitting on either side of her glanced at each other worriedly, wondering if they should say something before Sooyoung started crying.
Sooyoung felt so bad, making the two of them take care of her, she saw how worried they looked, and she felt so guilty for ever doubting them of thinking that they didn’t care and, somehow it all just made her feel even worse than it did before, and before she knew it she was sobbing, her tears falling, as she finally couldn’t hold herself together anymore.
Sooyoung felt a hand rubbing across her back and another pair of hands grabbing her own, as she heard Haseul murmuring in her ear telling her that it was ok, that they were here for her. She felt Jinsoul’s free hand wiping tears not saying a word but making sure that Sooyoung knew that she was there too.
Once the tears lessened, Haseul grabbed her face looking her in the eyes before asking her what was wrong and Sooyoung choked up again, taking a deep breath before answering.
“I’m sorry,” Sooyoung said, feeling small under her girlfriends’ gazes” just had a bad day, couldn’t help but think about things again… like you guys didn’t want me around anymore, and that you were better off without me.”
Jinsoul and Haseul both froze at her explanation, both surprised but understanding at what she was feeling, Sooyoung while being confident and independent, had a lot of anxiety and abandonment issues.
“How long have you been feeling like this?” Jinsoul asked quietly, being careful to not scare Sooyoung.
“It’s just something in the back of my head, I’m normally ok but sometimes… When I'm having a bad day I can't help but think you know?” Sooyoung looked at Jinsoul with a wry smile, one that looked almost self deprecating and Jinsoul hated it, she wishes that she could make Sooyoung know that they both loved her and that they cared about her more than anything in the world but she knew that it was up to Sooyoung and that depression wasn’t something that she could just force Sooyoung to break.
“Soo…” Haseul started, “You know we love you right?”
Sooyoung took a deep breath before answering. “Yea i know, I’m sorry- “
“Don’t apologize,” Haseul interjected, ”Sooyoung you’ve been trying so hard, and it’s ok to have a bad day every once in a while you know?”
Sooyoung nodded. Somehow the words made her feel better when Haseul said them and she knew that she was right.
Haseul felt a hand grabbing hers, looking up at Sooyoung smiled a real smile, the first of the night.
There was a silence for a little, the girl’s just conveying comfort to Sooyoung through being there for her.
“Could you- could we… cuddle on the couch?” Sooyoung murmured, her cheeks pink.
Jinsoul laughed, before getting up, gesturing to Sooyoung to open her arms, and scooped her up from her chair.
Sooyoung squealed, not expecting her to lift her, and Haseul laughed walking after her girlfriends.
As Jinsoul dropped her on the couch she laughed before she felt two bodies press her into the couch, she managed to wrap her arms around both of them squeezing them both before they moved into a more comfortable position.
Sooyoung stroked Jinsoul’s hair happier that she opened up to them and that they were all together.
“Next time you feel like this, tell us ok?” Haseul said, caressing Sooyoung’s face looking her straight in the eyes. Sooyoung nodded, pressing her cheek into her girlfriend’s palm.
Sooyoung felt a pair of lips on her other cheek.
“Yea we kind of really love you, you know?” Said Jinsoul with a sleepy smile on her face which Sooyoung couldn't help but feel so lucky that she got to see.
Hearing Jinsoul say that she loves her, made Sooyoung’s heart feel so full and happy, even if she wasn’t 100% better, she knows that even if the road was hard and that she was going to stumble that it would be ok, because she knew, now she could finally believe that they’d be with her through it all.
With a light heart, Sooyoung answered her. “Yeah, I know, and I love you too.
Seeing Jinsoul and Haseul’s smiling face she knew it would be ok.