Chapter Text
He ran out across and into the plaza, under the projected twin enormous koi, looming like spirits in the night; past vendors and bystanders gathered to gawk from a not-entirely-safe distance, everything evidently having happened so quick there wasn’t security enough to guide them back. Or maybe all the security that there was had gone in and was laying inside where Alt had fried them. Hell of a lot of bodies there had been. He ran past them all, not stopping to listen to the chatter or look back. Took only a few heartbeats’ time to make it across and then down the stairs opposite, calling for his ride as he went. Two of them met at nearly the same point on the street below.
He got in and drove; cut a hard merge and took the first exit out of the circle, and drove. South. Headed for Rancho Coronado. His pulse was thumping, waiting for chase to materialize. Didn’t seem possible he could slip away from as major an operation as that with no tail. The instinct to delta off the face of the entire fuckin’ earth had every consideration but the road erased from his mind.
Blew through a couple of reds, close call on more than one slow-turning blind gonk headed into his path, but he was just about clear out. Saw the Ferris wheel up ahead, pink glow never looking as beautiful as it did tonight, in all its fallen majesty.
Five minutes later and he was pulled up ‘round back of it. Hadn’t been anyone on him. In fact, out here, was about as a quiet a night could be. Lotta lights behind him, in city center, amped chatter across the radio channels, but out here, it was just the usual bums and lines of vending machines, scop central.
He rested his head against the wheel, catching his breath and bringing his heart rate back down to normal. Adrenaline was just starting to wear off. It all seemed barely possible – and yet, somehow –
He got out, peered up at the neon – not one star could shine through the combo job of the light and smog – and tried to think what came next. For so long, there’d been one goal line. Finally get there and it wasn’t quite a mirage, sure was something, but not the thing it’d been supposed to be.
In the absence of any real cue on how to feel – and with Johnny not being available – he figured he’d have to spin it his own way. Call it victory. Victory meant celebrating, and he knew who he wanted for that. Was already sitting there top of the list, last dial ready to be the first again: Kerry.
Was only minutes past midnight – real time and Mikoshi time had severely diverged at some point – and he figured he’d still be up.
“Heeey, V!”
“Now there’s a voice I’m glad to hear.”
“Can’t get enough of me, eh?”
“Hell, no.” He was pacing, smiling like a regular lovefool, one arm crossed on his chest. “Did something real big today, Ker.”
“Not gonna tell me your big thing’s got something to do with all this the buzz I’m starting to pick up on, are you?”
He gave a small laugh, partially in disbelief at himself. “Yeah, Ker. It kinda does.”
“Well, hell. Must be free now if you’re calling lil’ ol’ me up. Wanna come over and tell me in person?”
“Yeah, I do. Sounds nice. Tell you everything then.”
“I’ll put some coffee on. See you, V.”
V got back in the V-Tech and turned the radio all the way down. He was starting to feel spent in the wake of the blood rush. He drove in silence, the way he never did – always had the radio blasting, just a waste to drive ‘thout it – a silence all the more manifest for the lack of Johnny.
He felt his skin prickling in the night air, an uncomfortable echo of the phantom pins and needles Alt had dragged him through.
It was an easy five minutes to the freeway, and from there it was a straight shot up to North Oaks – hills were already coming into form out of the barren landscape along the right.
Things he normally tuned out, down to a background presence, suddenly struck him as remarkable: the rumble of the V-Tech’s engine, the patterns of the lights over the city, the rhythmic motions of the bobble-head on his dash. He focused in so much on the mundane that he zoned himself near into a stupor, miles winking by, and only snapped back out of autopilot when the golden phoenix of the roundabout filled his view, and had to go the whole way ‘round it to get back to the turn he missed.
He had to yield making the left and found himself staring blankly at the oncoming headlights. After they passed, he blinked exaggeratedly, popping his eyes to try to focus, as he started up the last hill to Kerry’s. Didn’t see how lights could cause it, but he felt a sudden faintness, kind of pre-blackout warmth at the back of his skull. He thought maybe his Kiroshis had malfunctioned, until he realized he was sleepy as hell, too – all over ready to crash.
He was just getting to thinking it’d have been better to have gone to his place and done just that there and rung Kerry in the morning, but by then, he was already coming up the drive.
Might be neural, might have to do with what Alt’d said, but six months was six months, dammit – wasn’t supposed to start yet – if it’d ever stopped, he had to amend.
But Kerry was waiting at the door, coffee in hand and cig in his mouth, just a perfectly domestic sight – made V feel sweet just to see it – and he resolved to set all that aside for the morning – later – anytime except right now.
Kerry gave him a pleased smile as he emerged from his ride. “You’re a crazy son of a bitch, V. Got all caught up on the detes while I was waiting, least the detes they’re letting out, and if that’s half of it –”
Sharp edge of a headache was coming on, and fast. V winced.
“Hey,” Kerry said, looking concerned. V tried to take a step forwards and vertigo followed, wave of it all at once. He grabbed at the nearest thing he could find for balance and inelegantly caught himself on the bushes. Kerry snuffed out his cig, left the coffee on the floor, and came to him. “Woah, woah. V, the hell?”
Kerry was a much better balance. Walked with him, too. “Think it’s catchin’ up with me,” V muttered.
“Alright, let’s just get you inside.”
“Yeah. Maybe I’ll just lie down for a bit... ‘fore I give you the whole thing.”
“Jesus, tell me this blood ain’t yours.” V hadn’t noticed it. Must have gotten there when Johnny was in charge. He was glad for the first time to be in whatever clothes these were instead of his own.
“Ain’t,” he said.
“C’mon, ’s get you out of that. Jacket and boots at least, looks like they got the worst of it.” Kerry had him sat on the bench outside of his bathroom. Surprised him how efficient Kerry was. No questions. Pulled off some rare looking boots with some kind of thruster tech, must have been a Rogue contribution, ‘thout any comment at all.
It didn’t feel so bad letting Kerry fuss on him, thought, matter of fact, he might just nod off right here on the bench letting him direct things.
“Hey.” Kerry was bent over him, worried frown on his face, one hand on V’s shoulder and the other on his cheek. It was nearly a match for the very first time V had seen Kerry with his own eyes, when he’d stumbled with a bad malfunction after Johnny vacated the premises. There’s a loop for you, V thought about saying. Wasn’t generally one for being swept away, but Jesus, a face like Kerry’s, at that kind of proximity? It’d been immediate then, and he felt the same now. “Hey,” Kerry repeated, insistently. “This one of those malfunctions you get? Or do you need a doc?”
He shook his head. “No docs. ‘m just tired.”
“I mean, you’re not dying on me or anything?”
“Not dyin’.” Not yet, he thought. “Just want to sleep.”
Kerry gave him a dubious look, but helped him upstairs.
“Sorry, Ker,” he said. “Wasn’t feeling it when I called you. Snuck up on me. Otherwise –”
“Forget it. Glad you did. Worse places you could go to narc out. But listen, it’s some funny shit to show up this way and tell me no docs.”
Kerry helped ease V onto his bed.
“Fair. OK, you get worried about anything, call Vik.” He transferred the contact to Kerry. “He’s the one who knows my situation. But don’t worry.” He curled onto his side. Body was settling in as it pleased, going into rapid shut-down. “Just gonna – sleep a little – that’s all.”
And then he slipped under.
V came back to wakefulness slowly. Opened his eyes enough to see Kerry’s legs pacing across the far of the room, took in the sound of the man’s voice on the phone with someone, but was in no hurry to actually lift his head. Had the kind of headache that came from sleeping wrong, kind that came on sometimes after staying up too late and then sleeping too late, which probably tracked.
He groaned as he stirred. He heard Kerry end his call, and then a moment later, Kerry knelt by the bed and face entered his vision. “Heeey.” Kerry patted his cheek. “Welcome back to the land of the livin’.”
“Mornin’.” Felt dried out as hell, and hot, too, though it didn’t seem to be for any excess of blankets. He started stretching out. At least his muscles didn’t seem too unhappy.
“Ain’t morning anymore.” Kerry stood back up.
“How long was I out?” V sat up, rubbing at his neck.
“Two days.”
V’s attention snapped to Kerry’s. “The hell?”
“’S what I should be asking you. The hell, V? ‘I just wanna sleep’?”
V groaned again. “System reset, I think. Too much to process.” He remembered thinking that at some point, while he was out, or half-come to: that the Relic or his implants or both were rebooting to try to calibrate for the missing Johnny, and their methods relied on shutting him down.
Kerry’s voice went quiet. “Called Vik in. Around the fifteenth fuckin’ hour.”
That explained that fragment. Almost thought he’d dreamed it – sight of Misty and Kerry sitting together, fortune-telling or something, amidst a sea of empties Kerry apparently didn’t care to clean even for company. Surreal, but not as strange a sight as he might’ve thought. Two looked like they could get along.
“And?” When Kerry didn’t answer, he pressed again. “Kerry, what did Vik say?”
“Gotta be starved,” Kerry said evasively. “Let’s... get you something to eat first.”
Which ruled out any chance of the news being easy – no ‘forget Alt, she must have been severely mistaken.’
“Right. Could use some chow.” Wasn’t going to be any way of playing it off – hadn’t been from the time he showed up and passed out, sure as hell wasn’t going to be now that Kerry’d gotten it straight from Vik.
“Whaddya want? Order something in?”
“Nah. Wanna go out. Wanna feel... regular. Was having these weird dreams. Really vivid.”
One had featured Alt heavily, nothing she said making sense. He’d had the impression she wasn’t talking to him at all, but it was him alone sitting at her non-corporeal feet taking it in. One he’d had a full-chrome body, gold, knew he was himself and not anyone else, but couldn’t find any trace of himself in it. One had Jackie coming with him to Atlanta, run through with the brightest optimism before it all went to shit, again. In between were other snippets, the bit of Misty and Kerry, plus another of Kerry sleeping spooned against him, that he was fairly sure was real.
“Kinda wanna just get my feet planted back in reality.”
“Okay. Got a craving?”
“Big juicy burger. How bout that joint down in Charter Hill?”
“Done. You really OK to get up already?”
“Yeah. Layin’ in ain’t gonna help any. Just gotta push through it.”
“Alright. Lemme get a little incognito outfit together, just in case. Probably don’t want the attention right now. Oh yeah, you want something to throw on? Probably coulda cleaned your jacket for you while you were out, but, eh – oh well.”
V had to smile. Unforced cleaning really wasn’t Kerry’s style. “Nah, sure I got something or other stashed in my trunk. Time is it anyway?”
“Three or four or something – P.M., case you went blind, too.” Kerry had disappeared into his closet.
V stood, gingerly, blood rushing as he did, but he anticipated the returning tide of faintness and was able to hold the black at the edges of his vision off. He tested his muscles, making sure everything was how it should be.
Kerry came back in the same outfit he’d worn on their outing to the Cracks girls’ dressing room, baggy hoodie and dweeby oversized sunglasses and cap and all. “Got some good vibes outta this look last time, got to give it another spin. Get your shit, I’m drivin’. Wanna see you awake more’n an hour before I trust you behind a wheel.”
“Fine. Better not scratch my ride, though. Taking your Aerondight’d definitely ruin the down-low vibe.”
Getting in, V wasn’t sure he hadn’t rushed it. He kept blinking his eyes – squeezing them more like, force in it, trying to push away the heavy vagueness there, a blanket of sleep not quite thrown off right. Head wasn’t spinning, but it sure as hell wasn’t normal, either.
Riding shotgun didn’t help with the surreality problem. V had never let anyone else drive his car – any of them. Kerry wasn’t the most talented driver – almost merged on top of someone getting into the four-lane roundabout – but managed. Wasn’t that long a ride.
To V’s surprise, Kerry didn’t sit on Morro, but kept the radio on a constant flip. “Got to keep an ear out. Never know what’s gonna strike ya. ‘Cept Samizdat. Fuckin’ dronecore wasteland.”
They parked a block away and walked to Netko. That little stretch of his legs felt plain wonderful. It was a nice spot out here. Eddies flowed enough to keep appearances up, that was for sure.
He got a burger and fries, and hell if that burger wasn’t the best tasting thing he’d ever eaten. Starved was right, and he hadn’t realized the half of it ‘til he sat down to eat.
Kerry for his part had ordered coffee only, and was alternating swallows of it and drags on a cig.
“Your girl, uh, Misty – came along with Vik – did a read before she left.”
“And? What’d ya think?”
“Interesting spread. Wheel of Fortune, Three of Rods, Five of Cups inverted, plus Two upright.” Taking in V’s expression, Kerry added, “Don’t mean anything to you, do they?”
“Never even heard of half of those cards. Misty gave me a read or two, but guess I got the beginners’ version. Hell, never even got a grasp on how you’re ‘sposed to make sense of those.”
Kerry snuffed out his cigarette. “Sense comes from how you choose to take ‘em, and how your teller presents ‘em. Your girl’s got a real touch for it.” He gave V a sidelong look. “You don’t quite strike me as the superstitious type, though.”
“Not generally. Have been a few times lately I get thinking I might be turning into one.”
“Hmm. Well, it’s a good spread overall. One of them’s even about you.”
“That so? Hope it said something nice.”
Kerry smiled at him, genuine. “Nice as hell, V.”
But bantering wasn’t going to spare them from the inevitable conversation that needed having. V felt a hard lump of dread in his gut just thinking about it.
“Look, Ker, we got to...” Burgers and fries were gone. Nothing keeping them out in this open spot anymore. “Look, let’s get back to the car.”
He tried again then, when they’d regrouped there, leaned with his back against the V-Tech.
“Let’s get this over with. What the hell did Vik say?”
“That you’re... Fuck, V.” Kerry gave him a helpless kind of look. Made V feel like a regular asshole, but he pressed on.
“Fucked is right, Ker.”
“Tell your own goddamn story. Don’t ‘system reset’ bullshit me.”
“Fine.” He took a deep breath. “Fair. Let me drive – feeling pretty strong now. I’ll give you the whole thing.” Driving always calmed him. It was easier to talk without having to stare at each other, too. Could just dump it out then.
He started again when they’d gotten in. “Johnny explained least some of our arrangement before, right?”
“Yeah. Pretty thoroughly, matter of fact. I mean, don’t ask me to write no dissertations on it, but yeah, I got the picture.”
He picked roads at random, keeping towards the eastern edge of the city.
“If I start talkin’ ‘bout engrams or the Relic – you follow?”
“As concepts – yeah. Mechanics, you might need to break down.”
“Okay. I’m just gonna hit you with it then. Don’t even know if I got the full picture. Important fucking little detes came fast and dirty at the end, serious fucking delay, and I’m actually – I don’t think I got lied to. But it seems like the source of my info had other fuckin’ priorities, and maybe it’s possible some other detes got conveniently omitted.”
“Don’t need all the legal disclaimers, V. I got it.”
“Doin’ it in reverse on how I got it. Though you might have this part from Vik already. First thing to square away is, I’m still fucked. Neural shit I don’t understand, immune system response – I’m the virus now, even with no Johnny. Body’s still trying to split from me. Went on too long – damage is done – something – Jesus, I’m not a doc. Supposedly would have been fine ‘n’ dandy for Johnny. Which is point two –”
“Fuck, V,” Kerry said, still caught on point one.
“Told you I’m gonna dump it all at once.” Keep talking, don’t think about it, just give the report, that was how he could cope. “Two, Johnny’s off in A.I. wonderland with Alt. Johnny had the fuckin’ choice of it, and he gave the body back to me. Even though it wouldn’t be dying on him the way it is on me. Fuck, listen to me. ‘It’... ‘the body’... like it isn’t mine...
“Point three, Rogue’s dead, Rogue planned everything and ran everything and it was the Rogue and Johnny show all the way down the tower. I came in at the end. Big fuckin’ hero. That satellite that came down was Alt, every ‘Saka soldier in the tower getting fried was Alt, and me crossing over to cyberspace long enough to get made an engram only for the pleasure of getting put back in my still-fucked body, was Alt. So before you get impressed by anything, do a little tally and see that my grand appearance was walkin’ out the back door when the show was over.”
“Fuck’s sake, V – you can’t think I care about a thing like that.”
V blinked. He himself cared, and hadn’t realized just how bitterly until the moment the words spilled out from him. Last night – two nights ago – he’d planned on telling it in grand style, meant to impress Kerry with it.
“What’s ‘getting made an engram’ supposed to mean?” Kerry ventured.
Question V barely felt qualified to answer. They’d reached the ridge, spot just up past the Petrochem dam. He pulled over.
“Like Johnny got. Take a person... and convert them into a form that can be held in cyberspace ‘stead of flesh.”
He did not want to mention Soulkiller, didn’t want to even acknowledge it. So many questions he should have fucking asked while he had a chance – but didn’t, maybe, subconsciously knowing there weren’t answers, least not ones he would have liked.
Kerry didn’t seem overly fixed on it. Quietly, he asked, “How long?” There was no point pretending not to know what part he meant.
“Six months. Least, that’s what Alt said.” V ran a hand over his face, trying to stay calm. “Now, Alt launched this plan a considerable time ago and only realized night of that my body had an issue – like she forgot what bodies were or how they work – so that’s why I say – probably, she’s right. Don’t think she lied. But still...” He wanted it to be wrong. He had nothing to say it was.
“Jesus.” Kerry peered blankly out the window.
“Well – that match what Vik told you?”
“Said about the same. Said your condition ain’t cured, V. Said what you did didn’t reverse what’s been done. Time-wise, said there’s not an exact science to it, but...”
Tiny pitiful hope V’d held on to that Alt had made some miscalculation dissipated into nothing. Vik knew – wasn’t any kind of mistake if Vik said it.
Kerry tried to rally. “The hell, there’s got to be things to try. The fucking tech they got these days? ‘Tween you and me, hell if we don’t got the eddies for it – and the connections. Got to be something we can do.”
“It ain’t gonna be a neat trip to the hospital, Ker. It’s still workin’ off the Relic’s specs. Experimental tech, experimental results. It –”
“Well, we can sure fucking try.”
Hoping just hurt worse. Not a goddamn thing you can do, Ker, he wanted to spit, and held in. The anger came on too hot. Kerry wasn’t the right target for it. He pressed a fist to his forehead, gonk kind of technique of knuckling himself into calm.
“Got to be realistic, Ker. ‘Course I’m gonna fucking try, but it isn’t...”
Kerry went quiet. “I know. V, I’m –”
V thought he knew what was coming – Kerry was going to say he was sorry – and didn’t want to hear it. He threw his door open before Kerry could finish. “Just give me a minute,” he muttered.
He walked away from the car, rubbing both hands over his face. It was Jackie he thought of, Jackie and all of their shared promises, and Jackie that brought on tears that spilled over, hot and frustrated. Pair of gonks of the highest order, and what did he have to whine about when he already got further than Jackie? Plain further than he deserved, maybe.
After everything, still hadn’t learned his lesson. World had a way of working, he kept pretending it didn’t.
He heard the slam of a car door. Had probably been a minute. Maybe two. He tried to catch his breath and get a hold before Kerry could see.
He’d achieved something that shouldn’t have been achievable. And it still wasn’t enough. He felt it alongside the bitterness: an ache, some kind of hole – and the thought that nothing would ever be enough to fill it.
“Fucking c’mere,” Kerry said, and pulled him into a hug. “Not gonna ignore you like that, you bobo.”
He hung on tightly. Felt so damn good just to be held like that.
“Really... believed it,” he said, voice rough. “Shouldn’t have. But I did. I really did. That I might get to... unequivocally just win... with no bitter to cut the sweet. Come out on top – just once...”
He pulled back then. Kerry had left his shades in the car, bright as it was, and the sight of those blue eyes was more direct an effect than he planned for. He felt as naked and open as he had – hell, since Clouds.
“If there were any kind of fairness in the world, you would get that,” Kerry said. “But even if there was, it sure don’t live in Night City.”
V gave a shaky laugh. “That’s a fact. Can try to rise outta the gutter, but a taste is all you’ll get.”
“Get more’n a taste, if you’re lucky.”
Kerry pulled him into a kiss. When they broke, he kept one hand on V’s cheek, running a thumb soothingly across it. His defiant hint of a smile had faded. Wasn’t meeting V’s gaze anymore, eyes downcast. The sight reminded V of how he’d seen him at the club, and felt a pang. Wasn’t doing any kind of job at upholding that giddy little promise about chasing the shadows away, but remembering it, he wanted to, something awful.
“’Cept you,” he said lightly. “You’re the one thing that went my way, more than shoulda.”
Kerry’s eyes flickered up to his with a smile. He kissed him again.
“Sometimes universe opens up and grants us what we need,” Kerry said, voice husky. “Even when it’s darkest. Maybe ‘specially then.” After a beat, he added, more brightly, “Penance for the fuckin’ over it’s just finished doin’.”
V laughed. “’Bout the right of it.”
Kerry lit fresh a cig and leveled V with a fond look. “Nice spot you picked.” He nodded his head in direction of the city. “Look at that. Gorgeous.”
Deep gold sunset bathing the city in its rays. All the ugliness compressed and hidden away by the scale out here. Kerry was right. About as pretty a sight as could be.
“One of my favorite spots,” he said. “Maybe an answer to yours, opposite side across. Get a space to think, ‘thout runnin’ away from it, ‘thout playin’ nomad out in the Badlands.”
For some minutes, they just took in the sight together, letting it wash over them.
“C’mon. Let me take you home,” Kerry said, when the light started to dip low, and took one of V’s hands in his. “Bet I can think of some ways of cheerin’ you up.”
“Long as you don’t call it –”
“– round three?”
V groaned. “Kerry, told you to stop countin’.”
“Hey, wasn’t sure at first you’d keep coming.” Kerry smirked. “And they were worth counting.”
V returned Kerry’s expression in equal measure. “Oh, I’ll keep coming.”
It was enough to forget the rest for a minute. Last bit of sun gleaming against the trails of metal snaking across Kerry’s throat and dancing at the thin lines at the edges of his eyes – fact that Kerry had taken in everything and still wanted to invite him back – it was something beautiful, something that paused and hung long enough to imprint itself.
Everything else might be true, might be coming down the barrel inescapably for him.
But not right now.
V tugged at Kerry’s hand. “Alright, let’s fuckin’ delta. I’m drivin’.”
“Think you skipped a couple of large things in the first run-through,” Kerry said, getting in shotgun. “When you say ‘Alt’ – you don’t mean Alt Cunningham? Johnny’s Alt?”
“Aww, hell,” V groaned. “Guess I did leave some of the juicy detes out.”
Calmer this time, he started again.