Chapter Text
Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
She only took the toughest jobs now. The ones no one else would take. The ones everyone deemed ‘suicide missions’.
Anyone that asked her why got the answer that well, the jobs had to be done by someone, who better to do them than the most renowned merc in Night City?
But fuck, that was complete horseshit. No, the real reason was that the man she loved was gone, by her own hand, and the sheer emotional pain she lived with every day made her hope that one of the ‘suicide missions’ would be true to its name.
She could just put a bullet in her brain, sure, but by some fucked up logic that wasn’t good enough. If she was gonna die, she wanted to go out fighting.
Tess slammed her glass on the bar, maybe a bit harder than she intended. “Claire! ‘nother one,” she slurred.
“No. I’m cutting you off, V.”
“I said,” Tess said, her voice a deep growl. “Gimme. Another.”
“V!” Rogue boomed from her private booth. Every conversation in the club came to a halt as the queen strode to the bar, her every step somehow both calm and furious. “That’s it, I’m done. You wanna drink yourself to death after every job, fine, none of my business. But if you’re gonna harass my bartenders, get the fuck out.”
Tess stood up from her stool and moved in closer to Rogue’s face than any sane person would. “Throw me out yourself,” she spat.
Rogue laughed, a single, barking laugh that almost sounded surprised. “You want to start a fight with me, kid? I want you to think real hard, is that what you want?”
Tess didn’t budge.
“Well”—Rogue chuckled—”I’m not in the habit of giving people what they want. Emmerick, toss her out. She’s barred until she gets her head screwed on.”
Even through the ocean of booze, Tess knew there was no point in trying to fight Emmerick as he towered behind her, so she went quietly. Seething, but quiet. She’d only just started the process of trying to remember which pocket her phone was in when she heard just about the last voice she wanted to hear.
“You look like shit, V.”
“Fuck off, Kerry,” she shouted, raising a lazy middle finger.
“Ain’t happening, you know that. Get in the car, I’ll get us dinner, you can crash at my place.”
Tess glared at him for a moment. Dinner did sound good, and she’d do just about anything to stay away from their... her apartment.
“Fine, but only if I can have the bed,” she muttered, and stumbled over to the car. Kerry met her halfway to give her a supportive arm.
Kerry grinned. “Lucky for you, I have a guest bedroom that isn’t out in the open surrounded by windows. Thinkin’ you might prefer that.”
Once she was in the car, it took just about every ounce of Tess’s willpower to not cover Kerry’s dashboard in vomit, and she considered it a minor success that they arrived at the mansion without a single retch.
“So,” Kerry said, as he sat down on the couch and handed Tess the cheapest, greasiest burger he could get delivered. “You’ve been avoiding me. Think I know why.”
“Good, then there’s no point talkin’ about it.”
“How about just talking? About anything. Your cat. Your work.”
“Gave the cat away. Work’s work.”
“Of course you gave the cat away.” Kerry sighed, and the raw exasperation just about made Tess stand up and leave on the spot. “Look I’m not gonna therapize you, I just want you to know I—”
“If you say you’re worried about me I’m gonna leave.”
Kerry scrubbed his hands down his face. “I miss you, you dumbass.”
“What do you want me to do? Invite you over for beers and a movie? Pretend I’m enjoying myself? In the apartment I can’t even stand to be in? Or do you wanna join me when I drink myself numb after every gig so I don’t take as much notice of how empty I feel??” It wasn’t until after she’d finished that V realized she was not only shouting, but crying. And once the crying started, it could not be stopped.
“C’mere, V,” Kerry whispered as he brought her into his arms, “come here.”
This wasn’t the first time Tess had cried since she said goodbye to Johnny. Oh, not anywhere close, but all those times she’d been numb, like her subconscious knew there was something to cry about, but couldn’t grasp exactly what it was. But not his time. This time everything she’d tried so desperately to drown out with alcohol and combat, it all hit her like a bullet to the chest and she broke down. She held on to Kerry for dear life and she screamed and she wept and she…
She grieved.
“Kerry,” Tess mumbled, long after she’d drained every ounce of emotion from her body. She was so physically and emotionally exhausted that when Kerry offered to carry her to bed, she didn’t even try to say no.
“Yeah, V?”
“Sorry. F’r avoiding you.”
Kerry sat on the bed with a sigh, gentle and understanding, and patted Tess’s arm. “It’s alright, kid. I get it. Hell, I’ve been there. And uh…” He paused for a moment, looking to be mulling something over. “Well if you ever don’t wanna go back to your place, you’re always welcome here. Not like I ever have guests over to use this room, anyway.”
“Notta bad idea…” The words barely made it out of her mouth fully formed, and Kerry took that as his cue to leave.
“G’night, V.”
“Mn...”