Work Text:
What is this box?
It's a late Saturday evening, everyone is already asleep, and I want to join them, but there is something on my mind stopping me from even being able to close my eyes. I look out the window and see the many stars decorating the sky, the shining moon beaming from afar. No clouds, no rain, no sounds. But I’m feeling lightheaded, as if something feels wrong and there is no way I can fix it.
Well, my baby brother is getting married next week, so there’s that.
I shouldn’t be so possesive of him, but he’s just a child right now for god’s sake. It’s so absurd that next week he’ll move out and start a new life and I won’t get to be in it. It’s just not fair. It’s beyond ridiculous how fast everything is going and how I’m the one who’s feeling anxious about all of this while my baby brother is just peacefully sleeping as if our lives weren’t about to change entirely forever.
Well, now I hear the trees rustling, so I guess it’s pretty windy outside. Maybe I’m overreacting to all of this. It’s just, I regret everything that has happened until now. I regret not being for him sooner, or even worse, being so much for him that I drove him away.
I still remember…
Back then, when my mom told me she was getting married to another man I was okay with it. I was ready to accept a new step-father if that would’ve made her happy. But it wasn’t until I finally met him when I realized it wasn’t just a step-father. He had a son. His son was half my age back then.
Yang Jungwon was the name of my biggest nightmare, the one thing I feared the most. Having to share my mom with someone. I tried to act cool about it, but it was too hard to pretend that everything was okay. My mom noticed and she broke up with her boyfriend.
Now it was her who pretended to be okay. But I could still hear it in her voice, the sadness lingering on every word. She would smile whenever she saw me, but I could hear her cry every night before I went to bed. The pain she felt, it was unbearable, yet she made the biggest effort to pretend she was okay.
But she wasn’t…
I decided that maybe, just maybe, I could give it a chance to meet Mr. Yang’s son. Maybe I could grow to like the little boy. So, in my crazy 12’s, I rode my bike to the address I found on my mom’s phone, and rang the bell to be greeted by a sobbing man.
Mr. Yang was slightly younger than my mom, and he wasn’t that ugly anyway. He wore glasses, and was tall, but he didn’t have a sculptural body like of those actors my mom used to love when watching her dramas on TV. His eyes were pitch black, but they had something in common with my mom’s brown eyes. They were both in pain.
“Heeseung-ah, what are you doing all the way here?” he asked.
He let me in his house and heard me through all I had to say. He heard it all with an open mind and an open heart, not judging me when I started insulting his son because back then he knew I didn’t mean any of the things I was saying, even if I really did. I was a stupid kid, but he saw past all that and when I started to cry he came forward and hugged me.
It had been so long since I felt a hug from my father.
My dad died when I was six years old. For six more years of my life I had no one in my life but my mom, and she had me as well. So the thought of having to share her with another kid was scary. But the thought of her crying every night because of me was even scarier.
Mr. Yang called my mom to come over and let me watch cartoons while he cooked something for me. Back then, it felt nice, and not at all foreign. It felt like he was my father and we were just waiting for mom to come pick us up. Except, I kind of forgot there was a lingering shadow watching us from the stairway.
“Hey.” Was all I could muster the courage to say to this kid who I had just blatantly dismissed and who I wanted as far away from me as possible.
He looked at me sad, and didn’t say a word. He just sat next to me and watched cartoons with me. Somehow, this too didn’t feel weird. Even if we didn’t talk, or said a word, we shared laughs when funny things were going on in the TV.
And then mom arrived.
She yelled at me because she was worried when she heard that I had come all the way here. Back then I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but now I kind of do. Our house was a whole province away. Until now I have no clue as to how I managed to ride my bike all the way there. Guess I was a pretty determined kid.
We stayed over for dinner, and then we spent the night watching movies together in the living room. It felt nice. And the next thing I could remember was waking up in a room that wasn’t mine, next to the kid that wasn’t my brother.
Yet…
I still remember, he was hugging a little sheep plushie. Yangyang-ssi was his name. They were inseparable, and growing up he would take Yangyang-ssi even to school or Tae Kwon Do practice.
Yangyang-ssi was his best friend in the whole world back then. Not gonna lie, it made me feel jealous most of the times. Jungwon-ah would confide many secrets to Yangyang-ssi that he wouldn’t share with me or our parents. Sometimes, some of these secrets were mean as well.
Back then, I remember when he turned ten and I brought my best friend and his brother to Jungwon-ah’s birthday party. If there was something I regret the most was introducing them to each other. I guess it’s too late now, but oh well…
They hated each other.
My best friend, Jay, was a bit rude back then. He made fun of Yangyang-ssi, so Jungwon-ah’s reaction was to kick him in the leg. You need to understand, he was just turning ten, but he was a prodigy in Tae Kwon Do. By that age he was already obtaining his purple belt when most of his friends were barely getting their yellow belts.
So that kick knocked Jay to the ground and taught him, and myself, a very valuable lesson. Never mess with Jungwon-ah or you’ll regret it. I was lucky to never before making him mad, but I’m also sorry that my friend had to learn it from personal experience rather than a warning beforehand. But his reaction, gosh… his reaction was what screwed us up entirely.
Jay laughed.
Jay laughed so hard, like a maniac, making all of us around him laugh as well. It was the first time I noticed something extremely, completely, mind-blowingly absolutely different in Jungwon-ah. To this day I feel a hundred percent jealous of that moment, and I still keep bringing it up because it’s not fair that this happened.
Jungwon-ah gave Yangyang-ssi to Jay.
Before that day, Jay was the type of person who made fun of others, who laugh at others’ expense, who would get easily mad and yell when someone crossed his path or did something that would annoy him. I could say I had a bit of a personality too, back then. That’s why we got along so well, now that I think about it. I was also a very bratty child, except with Jungwon-ah. He changed me. And he changed Jay as well.
When handed the plushie, Jay became quiet, letting his laughter die out. He stood up, pain on his leg, and ruffled Jungwon-ah’s hair. Then he proceeded to say something I’ve never before, or even after, heard him say, “Let’s be friends.”
You should’ve stayed as friends.
Growing up, everyone would make fun of us because I was way too overprotective of Jungwon-ah. I guess I still am, but not as much as I used to be. Back then I would go to his tae kwon do tournaments and bring all of his friends some snacks, and bring my friends along so we could record it. Even our parents weren’t as hyped up as I was.
It was unusual that he’d get injured, but when he did Jay and Sunghoon had to restrain me from going down with first-aid kit to tend on my baby brother. Now I cringe at the memory, but back then I was so angry that they didn’t let me take care of him. Even dad used to tell Jay to go check on Jungwon-ah while I was with my hands tied up.
They were literally tied up. Jungwon-ah’s friend, Sunoo-ah, was very good at tying ropes. He says it’s because his father proudly served in the country’s infantry and taught his son a lot of tactical and combat things. But, as well, his mother nurtured him and taught him handcrafts and creative things. A combination of both was the reason why from that event onwards they wouldn’t let me in without getting tied up first. On hindsight, I guess it was the only way to stop me from trying to beat up anyone who beat up my baby brother.
“He’s capable of fighting his own battles,” Jay used to say to me. I just rolled my eyes and ignored him. But maybe if I had listened to him, Jungwon-ah wouldn’t have gone behind my back a lot. Maybe I pushed him too much by being so overprotective, but they had to understand me, I didn’t want anything bad to ever happen to him. I was feeling guilty everyday. Every single day I regretted what my twelve year old self had said about him.
And then I made a terrible mistake…
Everyone knew just how much I loved my baby brother. But nobody knew just how much I liked Jay’s brother as well. That is until we started going out. We pretended to go out as friends, watch movies, eat out a lot, take pictures together, and hold hands when nobody was watching. I still remember the first time we held hands, I felt in my body something so different, some sort of shock and anxiety. Like what we were doing was wrong, a crime, and no one should find out about this.
We were kids back then. Well, sixteen. But this was our first time ever on a date, or holding hands, or our first kiss. But it just felt so good. Sunghoon and I were meant to be and until this day I am happy that we took every step forward together. So I guess I’m a bit of a hypocrite. And also responsible for all of this.
I asked Jay to babysit my brother…
My parents left me in charge of taking care of Jungwon-ah, as his older brother it was pretty obvious I should be the one taking care of him if they’re not home. But I was a stupid hormonal kid and all I wanted to do was meet up with Sunghoon so I could experience that tingling sensation I had whenever we held hands. So I asked Jay to babysit my baby brother.
I spent more money paying Jay to babysit than I did going out with Sunghoon. Not to mention, back then, Jay pretended not to know I was dating his brother and we thought we were being sneaky. Turns out everyone did know, including our parents. Coming out to them was so humilliating because they already knew, yet we thought this was the best-kept secret in the entire world.
What’s worse is that not too long ago I found out that my parents were also paying Jay for babysitting Jungwon-ah. What’s even worst is that Sunghoon too paid his brother to help us out. So by far, Jay getting triple income for doing something he would’ve done anyway if we’d only asked was by far the best-kept secret in the entire world.
And only a week ago, when he told us that, we also found out that all that money that Jay was saving he used to buy a new game controller just for Jungwon-ah so they could play games together. Well, they did spend an awful amount of time together ever since Sunghoon and I started dating. I guess he behaved more like an older brother than I did.
And then we were off to college…
I was lucky enough to study at a university close to our house, so I could just come and go as I pleased. Sunghoon studied in the faculty next to mine, so we got to see each other every day. But Jay… he decided to study abroad in the country he was born. His mom was with him so at least he was happy to see her again after a long childhood without her.
Sunghoon and Jay had the same father, but different mothers. They were born the same year and were raised together. It’s a very complicated issue that I tried not to get too much into unless they told me themselves. Apparently, their father was married to Sunghoon’s mother, but cheated with Jay’s mother. And when custody battles began, they settled on giving full custody to their father because Jay’s mother was a college student who didn’t want to give up her studies to raise a child. Even so, there were never any hard feelings between any of them.
Mrs. Park was a beautiful woman who embraced Jay as her son as well, and she sent money to his mother so she could finish without worrying for a massive debt. Now his mother repaid them by buying a whole building for them as a thank you. I met her recently, and she is so pretty. She used to be a model when she was younger, which is what peaked Jay’s interest in fashion.
Back when we were children, he would always draw dresses he wanted to make for his mom. So he went to study all about fashion design, accessories, and all that so he could finally give her all the dresses he wanted her to wear. Not to mention Mrs. Park too got to wear all the dresses he designed for her.
I just wished my mom could’ve worn them as well…
A few months after Jungwon-ah turned eighteen, our parents died in a car accident. We were devastated, but thankfully we had the Park family to take care of us. I always knew they were rich, but not this rich to be able to help me finish my studies and to put Jungwon-ah through university as well. They’ve helped us a lot these past years and I still don’t know how to repay them.
“You don’t owe us anything, Heeseung-ah,” Mrs. Park said to me. I was crying my heart out because I felt undeserving of their help. I didn’t want them to think I was dating Sunghoon for his money, or that I was friends with Jay because of this. Now that I think about it, they pretty much knew I wasn’t after their money if I was paying their rich son to take care of my baby brother.
I feel so stupid now…
I feel so stupid for not realizing that Jay didn’t have any reason to come back but to see my baby brother. He was happy there, but when our parents died he immediately booked a flight to come see Jungwon-ah and make sure that he was given the proper attention. I think he thought I was going to be so caught up in my own feelings I wasn’t going to give him enough care.
Maybe he was right, because it took me years to notice they had started dating. How could I when I was going through my own depression. Sunghoon was taking care of me, and I thought I was taking care of Jungwon-ah, but turns out I wasn’t. The once overprotective brother was now distant and quiet, not noticing the things that were happening around me.
It wasn’t until a couple years ago, on Jungwon-ah’s 22nd birthday, that he told me he was dating Jay. It took me a long while to understand what he was trying to say, and an even longer while to accept it. Because there was no way I could accept that my baby brother was dating my best friend. There was absolutely no way. It felt criminal, and distasteful.
“Listen, hyung, I know this is weird for you, but I’ve had a huge crush on Jay ever since I was a kid. I think the first time I realized this was when I was thirteen, maybe fourteen, when I started crying in my room because he was in another country and we could only message each other but not be together in the same room anymore,” he told me.
But I was too stubborn to listen…
“When he came back… I guess I was too desperate. You weren’t talking much to me, our parents had died… I mean, I had Sunoo and Ni-Ki with me… but when Jay-hyung came back… I felt happy again. It’s so hard to describe, and you’ll probably get furious at me, but I was sort of thankful to that car crash because it brought Jay back to my life,” he said. “Now, please, don’t get mad. I’m not happy our parents died. I still miss them a whole lot. But, I was depressed for six years when Jay-hyung left that it finally felt like I was complete once again.”
How did I not notice it back then…
“And before you say anything about us, just know, it took him a whole year to accept my feelings for him. I was heartbroken when I found out that it was a one-sided crush, and that he had dated some people when he was in university. I was dumb enough to think he felt the same way I did and that’s why I didn’t date anyone that wasn’t him. Please don’t laugh at me.”
I wish I laughed back then… but I was in shock…
“So I made a whole scene, crying and yelling at him, and he just hugged me and said that he didn’t want our friendship to end and that he was sorry for not feeling the same way as I did. And I felt so embarrassed, but then we started hanging out even more than before, and I guess something changed because we were coming back home, his arm was around my waist and my head was on his shoulder. I’m sorry for blushing, but I still remember it so well. And then…”
My heart dropped back then…
“He kissed me! Oh my god, he kissed me! And by then I was already starting to move on, to see him as just a friend and a hyung, but when he kissed me I felt so happy! It was my first kiss ever, and it was with Jay-hyung, and just, ever since then I’ve been wanting to tell you, but we didn’t know how to do it. When we told Sunghoon-hyung he was happy, but also worried about how you would react, so he told us to wait before telling you, but I cannot wait anymore. So, please, don’t get mad, hyung. I really, really love him, and he does as well.”
I wish I reacted better than I did back then…
“You… this… no, Jungwon-ah, this cannot be happening. I ask you to please break up with him, immediately!” I said after a while. I don’t know why I did, but at that moment I felt so angered, so furious. I didn’t want them to date, but then it happened again. My words had the power to hurt people, and just like my mom cried when I was a child, my baby brother started to cry because of me.
He ran away, crying, and it was all my fault. We didn’t speak to each other for six months, until one day Jay came over to me and punched me in the face. I could feel he had been saving that punch for a long while, and I just accepted it because I knew deep down I deserved it. I now touch my face and still feel the burning sensation it left.
“What was that for?!” I had the audacity to ask. I probably would’ve died if Sunghoon wasn’t there to stop him from killing me. Honestly, now that I remember correctly, it wasn’t just him. All of them were there pinning him down to stop his hands from murdering me. Sunoo was screaming, Ni-Ki was angry and Sunghoon was trying to remain calm.
“You know exactly why you asshole! How dare you not visit your own brother at the hospital? Huh?! I know you’re angry with him, but to this extent? To not even go and make sure he’s okay?” I was so confused, not understanding what he was trying to tell me. Why was Jungwon-ah at the hospital? Why was he so enraged? Why was no one telling me anything?
“Your brother has been waiting for you all these days and you don’t even come visit him? What if it had been something much worse? Huh?! Do you want us to break up that badly you’d be willing to risk his life for it? Then I’ll break up with him, you asshole! But don’t you dare turn your back on your brother! Don’t you dare leave Jungwon!”
They explained it all to me later…
Jungwon-ah had been in a car accident, but thankfully all that had happened was his arm was broken. Jay had been calling me, messaging me, trying to reach to me without knowing that I had changed phone numbers just a week before the incident. Sunghoon didn’t know either because I broke up with him a couple of months before. I tried to isolate myself without knowing that I almost lost the only family I had left.
Needless to say, I realized the grave mistakes I had made and decided to fix them. I went to Jungwon-ah and apologized. I apologized to Sunghoon and Jay as well. I think everything got to me that I failed to realize I was causing more pain to others with my actions… I couldn’t refuge myself in being a kid anymore. I was an adult who made wrong choices…
At least Jungwon-ah was always more mature than I was…
He forgave me, but he wasn’t ready to come back to live with me just yet. All that time he was away he had enjoyed living with Jay, and he didn’t want to be away from him anymore. So I took the first right choice in my life and told Jay to move in with us. The jerk wanted me to beg, but Jungwon-ah kicked him again, just like the first time they met.
Sunghoon likes to tease me that my six-years-younger ‘baby’ brother was ready to move in with his boyfriend before I was. And we had been dating for way longer. Well, he’s not wrong. Just a couple months ago we finally took that step. Way after Jay had proposed to Jungwon-ah. To this day Sunoo teases us that if Sunghoon tried he could do better, maybe find a foreign love, someone ‘more fitting’.
When we met Jay’s friend, Jake, was when I realized I had to do something immediately. That was the second right choice I ever made. The third one was when I said ‘yes’ to being Jungwon-ah’s best man. Especially because I got to watch Sunoo-ah’s pouting and complaining that he deserved to be best man. He is so cute when he gets mad.
Yangyang-ssi…
“Hyung? What are you doing up so late?” I hear his voice calling for me. I turned around and there he was, still sleepy, wearing his pj’s, with cute eyes and round cheeks, there he was. My baby brother. “What’s that in your hand?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, Jungwon-ah. I couldn’t sleep,” I said. I turned to see the sheep plushie in my hand and remembered the man next to me used to be its previous owner. The baby who would carry this plushy everywhere he went was now a full-grown man ready to take the next step in his life. “This is Yangyang-ssi, don’t you remember him? He used to be your best friend!”
“Yangyang-ssi? What? Let me see,” he said crouching down next to me, grabbing the plushy and leaning his head against my shoulder. While he inspected his old friend, now dusty and grey, I sniffed his hair and remembered that beautiul peach scent he’s had since he was a child. “Wait? This was mine, wasn’t it? Why is it in these boxes? These are all Jay’s stuff.”
“I guess you don’t remember as well as I do. You gave Yangyang-ssi to Jay before he left to study abroad. You told him to keep it and remember you everytime he looked at it.”
“He did a bad job, clearly. Look at it! It’s all gray, and needs some stitching. What an idiot, why would he keep it?”
Why would he keep it?
Maybe, after all, I did know before he did. I did know that Jay cared about him a whole lot, always asking me wether he was eating well, or hanging with his friends, or if he was brushing his teeth.
Maybe I wasn’t so overprotective as everyone thought I was. I didn’t know about his allergies, or his problems, or even who he had had a crush on for so many years.
“He really does love you, doesn’t he?”
“Huh? What was that, hyung?”
I just laughed and hugged him. He was weirded out by my sudden animosity, not knowing that finally, FINALLY after so many years, I accepted the fact that Jay was meant to be the one to take care of Jungwon-ah.
So, please, Jay, take good care of my baby… of my brother for me.