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Strange things have a nasty habit of happening to you. Your birth, or rather your delivery, was over four hundred years late, and that was only the beginning of things for you. In all technicality, the first time you were delivered things went according to plan. You'd apparently lived a life full of sweet anime babes and bishies along with all the irony a hella sweet dudebro could ask for. And puppets. So many puppets that even you think it's a little unhealthy, but fuck it was alternate you's business and you have to respect the market he'd made for himself with it.
But he'd raised your alternate Bro the way he was supposed to have raised you, and you were left... Well in the middle of bum fuck nowhere is where you'd been delivered. It was a sick cosmic joke, in the end. Just a way for the Universe to laugh at Dirk Strider and his too-pale skin in the middle of the goddamn ocean with no fucking sunblock for sixteen years. Thankfully you stopped burning too much by the time you were old enough to read, which was only after you'd pieced together the robot designed to be your makeshift Bro so that he could teach you.
But still you've been left with nasty tan lines and freckles coating your body, and the only reason you really notice now is because.
Well.
You've found yourself in a rather odd predicament. And that is a pun that even you can't laugh at anymore with this situation.
Currently you, one Dirk Strider, are face to head with the literally biggest dick you're ever met. The thing is as tall as you are, and even though you might not be the giant all your friends expected you to be, you're still tall enough to have thought that no dick would ever be your size. Especially not when also attached to the figuratively biggest dick you've ever had the displeasure of meeting. Or his weird alternate adult self? You still aren't sure.
The thing doubles as some kind of leg for him you've assumed, and you aren't sure just what touching it will do. But for some reason the only thing that strikes you as reasonable is to wrap your too-skinny arms around it and nuzzle against the freakishly large head.
The beast of a man—or Cherub? That's what they were called now that you think about it—lets out a sound something like an eight ton kitten and you aren't sure what to expect from here. The fucking green cock seems to still be growing while he seems to shrink, but you just hug it and rut against it. You're in a strange state of confusion and arousal when you realize that you are in fact hugging him to come. This is exactly what he'd always wanted, isn't it?
Is this why he's always thought that hugging was so risque . Oh god you would laugh if you could, but you know that if you open your mouth it's going to be filled with some weird alien precum and you really don't fucking want that. Not one fucking bit. But still you hugging and moving against the strange green appendage when you can feel it kind of... Shift.
It's almost like the damn this is starting to coil and move, but you know that can't be right. There's no way. Dicks do not coil, Strider, you are just being paranoid as fuck. Though as you think that, you feel what is definitely coiling around one of your legs. The thought should scare you a little, but for some unexplainable reason it doesn't. You shouldn't have even wanted to hug some giant random cock the color of fucking Gumby, but here you fucking are.
As you rock against the dick, you hear something like a hiss and feel the way the skin beneath you almost feels like scales instead. You can't even open your eyes to see what the fuck has changed here. You're really just too freaked out to even want to see what's happening, but once again beyond all explanation you fucking do.
What you see should terrify you. It really fucking should. But when you see the giant snake coiled around you with its head next to your face. The hissing sounds again as it moves and for some reason you're left with the desire to just fuck this giant snake until it can't move, but how the fuck would you even do that?
Instead you just keep hugging it as it slithers around you, its massive body dragging against you leaving little scratches from the plates of its scales, and strange sticky patches of mystery slurry on the wounds. You hope that it's just your blood, but you have some sick feeling in your gut that the precum you'd been nuzzling into only minutes ago.
You feel the way the snake's skin almost bubbles beneath you as you continue your movements until, finally, it literally explodes around you. The giant flash leaves you shocked as you land on the ground just a few feet from where you'd been standing, but you can't help how you stare at the river of alien snake cum around you.
Getting up, you straighten your shades and hair before fixing your clothes and cross your arms over your chest.
You really hope that this will be the strangest thing to happen to you in your life, because you really aren't sure that you could handle anything more ridiculous that this crazy snake fucking.