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He felt the mattress dip as she got up to return to her quarters. Either she wasn’t as quiet as she thought, or he was a lighter sleeper than he thought; whichever it was, she had never managed to leave without his noticing. Maybe one day he would tell her that.
Maybe one day he would tell her to stay.
He knew why she left in the wee hours of every morning. She’d get a few winks in her own bed, they’d be able to keep pretending that the captain and first officer weren’t fucking each other senseless twice a week, and he could keep pretending he wasn’t in love with her.
They’d had an arrangement; it was just physical, nothing more. That was the parameter they’d defined, and that was how it was going to stay. If there was one thing Kathryn Janeway didn’t do, it was back down.
Sometimes, he’d allow himself to fantasize about how it might go if they ever got back to the Alpha Quadrant, if they could stop being captain and first officer and start being… whatever they almost were on New Earth.
Not tonight. Tonight, fatigue started dragging his eyes shut again before she’d even finished getting dressed. He’d get back to sleep, and when their shift started, he’d be nothing more than her exceptionally dedicated right-hand man. That was all he’d get for the foreseeable future, and for now, that was enough.
She heard him getting dressed in the dark. She knew why he sneaked out of her quarters every time they did this, even though neither of them had come out and said it. They couldn’t have the crew thinking that their commanding officers were anything other than platonic, although she was certain that some of the crew already knew and most of the others suspected it. And if Tom Paris doesn’t have a betting pool on us, I’ll replicate a hat and eat it.
They were supposed to be just friends-with-benefits, just a little stress relief for the two most harried people in the entire quadrant. And then one morning, she awoke in his bed at 0300, and getting up to go back to her own bed sent a pang of loneliness through her. I could stay, she thought. If we get up early enough, the crew won’t notice anything.
She left anyway. Too risky, she’d told herself, not just in terms of the crew but in terms of their status. What if he wakes up and doesn't want me here? No, this was the parameter, and now was not the time to renegotiate. Maybe when we get closer to home… or if it ever becomes clear that we won’t get home…
After she heard the doors close behind him and silence enveloped her quarters, she buried her face in the pillow on his side of the bed and inhaled deeply. It still smelled like him, and tonight, that was enough.