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Chapter Text

Ellie arrived at Jackson with an infection, a broken spirit, and eight fingertips. It was sunset when she saw the west gate, exhausted. On her way from the farm, she encountered a couple of clickers and a small cluster of runners, making sure to clear the path with the last of her strength. As the tree line approached, she wondered if Jackson was running low on people to do frequent patrols. 

Or if the winter hordes had started earlier this year.

Sunlight reflected on the couple of scopes that aimed at her. She raised her hands and grunted at the sting on her side, her right hand not making it as high as her left.

“Holy shit! It’s Ellie!” Someone called from the watchtower. The voice was familiar, but Ellie couldn’t remember who it was until one of the rifles lowered and Katherine’s face peered from above the wooden railing.  

“Open the gate, it’s Ellie!” Katherine, from the heights of her 5’9 and the watchtower, yelled for the two guards inside the gate. 

The other woman who was with Katherine on the watch didn’t lower her rifle all the way, a frown deepening between her brown eyes. “And who’s that supposed to be?”

“She’s one of us,” Katherine said while speeding down the rugged, worn stairs, her footsteps loud.

Outside, Ellie nodded at the woman who remained on the watchtower and took a deep breath when the gate slowly cracked open. 

Katherine was the first to welcome her as Ellie walked through the space big enough for her to squeeze thorough. 

“You son of a bitch!” The tall girl enveloped Ellie in a hug, then pushed her at arm's length. “You look like shit.”

“Missed you too,” Ellie mumbled, rolling her right shoulder. Around them, two other guards nodded at Ellie; Steve and another man Ellie didn’t recognize. The girl from the watchtower peered from her place at the top of the gate, and Ellie realized Jackson had more new faces than she expected. She looked around, biting her lip, but didn’t see anyone else but the gate guards.

Ellie wanted to ask. She wanted to know where Dina was, if she was okay, if she was even alive. But she held her tongue. Steve shook her hand briefly, always a standoffish guy, but a good shooter. The new guy flashed her a small smile from between his dark beard. 

Ellie hadn’t interacted with anyone for so long she forgot she should smile too. 

“C’mon, Maria will flip when she sees you,” Katherine said and started walking, turning her head so Ellie would follow. “And I suppose you need to stop by the clinic.” She looked her up and down, golden eyebrows raised. “Jonas, cover me on the tower? I’ll take Ellie to the clinic.”

The new guy, Jonas, nodded and headed for the stairs to join the other guard at the lookout.

Ellie flexed her left hand, opening and closing it. It would take some time to get used to her amputated fingers. 

They walked down Jackson’s main street that fall early evening, the lights from the Tipsy Bison, BBQ joint, and mess hall lightening up as they walked. A few curious heads turned their way, but both Ellie and Katherine ignored the stares, headed to the direction of the town clinic. 

“We have some new people working at the clinic. New assistants, new doc,” Katherine said conversationally, adjusting the rifle on her shoulder.

“What happened to Cecilia?” Ellie frowned, thinking of the Jackson doctor; mid-fifties, effective and showing kindness in a way that only people who were born before the outbreak could. 

Kind people did not make it far in their world of survival. 

“Oh, Dr. Cecilia’s still around. But we got this new doctor that lived on a farm somewhere in Idaho. She said she used to be a horse doctor. Came in a few months ago.”

“Horse?” 

“ Veterinarian , she calls herself.” Katherine’s mouth and brows contorted as she said the word, clearly foreign to her. “She said she’s a doctor for animals, but we’re short on any docs, so she’s helping out. She stitches people up just as good. Everyone in the clinic is doing a good job.”

Katherine shrugged, kicking some of the dry leaves on their path. Ellie saw a hint of pink in her friend’s cheeks, but it could have been a trick of the light.

The clinic looked the same, a battered old building with bright lights inside. Max, someone Ellie vaguely recognized, sat in the waiting room with his forearm wrapped in bandages. His eyes widened when they walked in.

“Ellie?” He opened his mouth in shock. “I thought you were dead.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Ellie mumbled, taking a seat on the chair next to him. 

“I mean… we all thought you were dead,” he said, cradling his injured arm closer. “Good to see you’re not.”

Ellie thinned her lips, nodding. The awkward moment was broken when a woman appeared at the door. She wore an old, stained lab coat, but it was dry, the blood smears from long ago. Two auburn braids fell on both of her broad shoulders. Ellie recognized the way healers presented themselves, calm and reassuring, her honey eyes attentive. 

“Hey, Laura.” Katherine said, smiling at the doctor. “I brought you a new patient.”

“I can see that.” The doctor walked to Ellie’s chair and offered her hand. Ellie took it gingerly, somewhat overwhelmed with human contact after months alone in the woods. 

“Let me change Max’s bandages, and I’ll be ready for you.” Her handshake was firm and warm, and Ellie found herself blushing under her gaze. Max stood up and followed Laura inside the double doors that led to the examination rooms.

“Well, I’ll go find Maria. She’ll want to see you. I’m glad you’re back.” Katherine said and left, her long braid tossed behind her back.

Ellie shuddered at the memory of another long, blond braid, but shook the thought away with a shuddering breath. Her hands trembled on her knees, a thin layer of sweat springing on her forehead. The sight of her hands, her fingers, the healing scars, the new burn to cover the bite mark; it all overwhelmed her, and the bright light in the waiting room was too much. Her heart accelerated. She could feel it in every ragged breath, trying to break through her chest, clawing at her ribs, stretching her skin to the point it hurt. Her thoughts went back to Abby on that post, bleeding, suffering, and dying and—

“Hey.” 

She opened her eyes to kind honey and worried crinkle between the doctor’s eyes. A glint of gold hung from her neck, a ring escaping between her lapels. 

“You okay?” she asked while straightening up from meeting Ellie’s eyes. 

Ellie looked around, a bit startled, and they were alone. She wondered how long she had been stuck with what could have been the beginning of a panic attack. The new doctor, Laura, was young, no later than thirty, but in their world it barely mattered anymore; maturity was learned early, and the hardness of their reality ate away anyone’s innocence long before puberty. 

Ellie nodded, rolling her right shoulder. 

Laura opened the double door, holding it so Ellie could step into the alley between makeshift examination rooms. She pushed a battered curtain aside and Ellie followed, a couple of chairs, a supply cart, a basin and a cot revealed behind the green curtains. 

“You can leave your backpack and weapons on that chair,” Laura said and closed the curtains behind them. She pointed to the empty chair at the corner with her chin, then washed her hands in the basin at the side of the cot. Ellie left her backpack, jacket, and guns by the chair, sitting on the hard cot slowly.

“I’m Laura, by the way.” Laura turned to face her, a tired smile painting her lips. 

“Ellie.” Ellie looked down at herself, jaw tense, opening and closing her left hand.  

“Nice to meet you, Ellie.” She sat on a rolling chair and pulled it closer to Ellie with her long legs. “Okay. What hurts?” 

“What really bothers me is my side.” Ellie rested a hand on her lower right ribs, the spot sharp and sensitive. 

“Okay. Can you take your shirt off?” 

Ellie complied, shrugging off her torn t-shirt, uncaring of the doctor’s presence. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and every scar, mark, cut, and bruise were open to the view. It was clear that Ellie had not been eating well, her ribs on full display as she took a deep breath. 

Laura didn’t flinch, focusing on the spot Ellie showed.

“What happened here?”

“Puncture. Wood.” Ellie didn’t offer more, and the doctor nodded. 

“Can you lay down, please?” 

She complied, hissing when Laura’s hands went back to the sore spot. 

“Have you had any fever since this happened?” Laura asked.

“A bit. It’s on and off, but I haven’t had it in a while. I tried to keep it dry but…”

Laura nodded, her hands continuing to touch her with varying pressure, from light to insistent. “Pain, one to ten?” 

And then she pushed a bit harder, and Ellie growled, gritting her teeth. “Seven,” she replied, jaw locked. 

“I’d like to get an x-ray, but that’s not possible here.” Laura continued to touch her side, following the path under Ellie’s arms and down along her navel. “But I’m willing to bet you got some stress fracture here. Plus, you’re still battling an infection, so we’ll get you on antibiotics ASAP. How long have you been out there?”

“A while.” Ellie reached for her shirt, downing it in slow motions. 

“That burn.” Laura pointed to the healing scar that covered Ellie’s most recent bite mark. “Do you want some cream for that?”

“No, thank you.” Sitting on the cot, Ellie stretched her neck. Now that the adrenaline of finding Jackson was wearing off, all she wanted was a dry, warm bed to sleep for a few hours. Or days. 

A knock sounded on the waiting room door, and after Laura called back to whoever it was to come in, Maria opened the curtains around them. 

She looked a bit older than Ellie remembered, gray gaining the battle against her golden hair. She smiled at Ellie, tired and honest. 

“I’ll be damned. Welcomed back, Ellie.” 

“Thanks,” Ellie replied quietly, a half smile tugging her lips. “Tommy?”

“At home. His leg acts up when it gets colder,” Maria said dismissively, one hand gesturing at the door. Ellie wondered if they were back together. “We’re taking some of your weapons to storage.” She nodded to Ellie’s backpack.

From behind the waiting room door, Katherine peeked and nodded after Maria asked her to take the guns to the town’s armory. 

“She found out,” Katherine whispered to Maria, and Laura stiffened. Maria pursed her lips and acknowledged Katherine’s words with a dip of her head. Ellie looked between them and a shiver went down her spine. 

“Your old studio is the same,” Maria said, as if ignoring Katherine’s words. “A new family stayed in Joel’s house for a bit last year, but they’re gone. I didn’t let them use the garage, though. I had a feeling you’d come back eventually.” Maria crossed her arms and smiled at Ellie. They both looked at the door where Katherine blushed while Laura offered to help her with the weapons.

“I got this,” Katherine said, balancing Ellie’s arsenal in her arms. As she used her leg to push her way back to the waiting room, she almost lost her footing when someone else burst the door open, pushing Katherine on her way in.

“Gosh! Careful!” Katherine protested, doing a little balance dance to make sure Ellie’s rifle or shotgun wouldn’t hit the floor. 

“Where’s she, where’s—”

Ellie snapped her head up, locking eyes with the single reason why she had the courage to return.

Dina entered the exam room, ignoring Maria and a startled Laura to crush Ellie in a hug. All the air left Ellie’s lungs while her ribs screamed and for a moment she didn’t respond to the hug, frozen in partial shock to finally be in the arms of the woman she loved.

Dina. Her mate.

When she gathered her bearings to wrap her arms around her, to nestle her nose in Dina’s neck the way she dreamed every single night on her journey to Jackson, Dina stepped away, a frown crossing her features.

“Dina—” Before Ellie could say anything else, her face stung with the force of a slap, loud and painful as Dina put a good amount of strength behind it. Baffled, Ellie lifted her hand to her face, the skin tingling under her touch. She saw Dina’s eyes focus on her hand, the frown deepening at the sight of her fingers. 

“That’s enough.” Maria placed a hand on Dina’s shoulder, but she violently shrugged it off.

“Don’t,” Dina said with finality, not giving Ellie a chance to talk. Tears filled her dark eyes, and before Ellie could call her back, she left the room with the same intensity she had walked inside.

Ellie stared at the open door, her cheek throbbing. Her breathing picked up, the light from the room bothering her eyes; she felt them fill with tears, and a deep sense of shame washed over her. 

“Here,” Laura broke the silence offering her an ice pack. Dazzled, Ellie took it. 

“Try to get some sleep.” Maria placed one hand on Ellie’s knee. “Let me know when she will be cleared for work.” The last comment was directed at Laura, who had both hands in her lab coat pockets. 

“Will do. We’ll see how she responds to the antibiotics.”

“I’m good,” Ellie replied. Laura raised an eyebrow at her, and she relented. “A couple of weeks, maybe.”

“Good,” Maria said. “We’ll talk more in the morning. Tommy will want to see you.”

Ellie nodded, hand holding the ice pack to her face. Maria left the room, and once more she was alone with Laura.

“So,” the doctor said, eyes on the floor and slowly making their way up to Ellie’s form. “You’re the Ellie.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Aggression dripped from Ellie’s voice. It wasn’t Laura’s fault that Dina had just slapped her in the fucking face, but she needed to vent her peak of anger somewhere. 

The doctor, an alpha herself by the looks of it, raised both hands to pacify the angry patient. “Whoa, relax. I got here after you left, I don’t know any details. Dina doesn’t talk about it when we work together.” 

Ellie took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. Her exhaustion was picking up again and she felt dizzy.

“Work together?” Ellie asked, the phrase not making sense. Dina never worked at the clinic before.

“Dina’s been helping around in the clinic for a few months now. She's a great support here.” Laura’s hands were back inside her pockets, amber eyes on the floor. “It’s just…” she continued, licking her lips. “Dina was one of my first patients when I got here, with little Debbie. I delivered her, actually. Quite the welcome for a new doctor. Especially one used to delivering calves,” she added, laughing quietly.

Ellie nodded, not really following what the woman had said. “Was she sick?” Ellie asked, green eyes searching Laura’s face. 

“Debbie? No! She’s healthy as an ox. I would know, ha. But I live close to their place and we all know that pup has some lungs. She’s going on four months now, right?” 

Ellie stared at her, jaw slacked. Laura stared back, looking from side to side.

“You are Dina’s mate, right?” she asked, her  golden eyes unsure. 

“Yes,” Ellie whispered, eyes squinting as she tried to piece her thoughts together. 

“Hey, Maria asked me to follow you back home to make sure you… what is going on?” Katherine, who had just opened the waiting room door, stopped short. 

Laura now looked desperate, eyes wide, looking from Ellie to Katherine. 

“She doesn’t know?” Laura whispered in Katherine’s direction.

“Oh, boy.” Katherine sighed heavily. “I don’t think she knew when she left,” Katherine said, shrugging at Laura.

“Knew what?” Ellie’s voice was small, uncertain, and she didn’t direct the question to any of them. 

“Okay, so… don’t freak out,” Katherine said, head to the side, braid falling over her shoulder. Her blue eyes showed pity, and Ellie swallowed hard. 

“Katherine…” Ellie pleaded, her breathing picking up. 

“You see...”

“Katherine!” Ellie snapped, hands closing on her knees, bunching up her jeans. 

“Okay, okay!” Katherine surrendered, her hands pulling at her own jacket. “When Dina came back to Jackson she was pregnant,” Katherine said in one exhale, the words merging together and almost too fast for Ellie to hear. 

Almost.

“She had a baby girl, Debbie, she’s four months now, has cute eyes and Dina’s nose; you know what, it could be your nose now that I’m seeing you. Brown hair, super cute and—”

“Katherine,” Laura warned, but she didn’t stop talking, too focused on the news instead of Ellie’s reaction. 

Ellie stopped listening as her ears ringed, high pitched and loud. The light in the room flashed, and Ellie gasped, air suddenly too thin to inhale. She started to hyperventilate, hands shaking; why was the room so bright? 

“Ellie? Ellie, stay with me. Breathe.” Laura rushed to her side, hand firm on her shoulder, but it was too late.

Laura and Katherine watched as Ellie collapsed on the cot, rolling her eyes and fainting with a heavy thud on the hard, thin mattress. 

Laura made sure she was comfortable, loosening her belt and taking off her shoes.

Silent and with wide blue eyes, Katherine fidgeted with her hands. 

“Maybe I should have done it more delicately.”

“You think?” Laura mocked, nodding in the direction of the passed out woman. 

“Well, at least now we know she didn’t know,” Katherine quipped, lips together in an amused straight line. 

“You just delivered some life-altering news to a dehydrated, exhausted patient.” Laura turned Ellie’s arm, checking for her pulse.

“You started it!” Katherine defended, crossing her arms. 

“How was I supposed to know she didn’t know she had a kid!” The doctor pointed to herself with one hand. “I’m new here!”

“Katherine, why… oh.” Maria, who had come back to the clinic, opened the door to find Ellie passed out, Laura taking her vitals, and a wide-eyed Katherine. “What happened? Is she okay?” 

“Ask Katherine,” Laura mumbled, and Katherine huffed, crossing her arms. 

“Traitor!” she muttered back, frowning. 

“Katherine?” Maria’s tone was serious, authoritative.  

“She found out about Debbie and passed out,” Katherine said, avoiding Maria’s eyes.

Maria eyebrows rose in amusement, and she looked at the blacked out alpha again. “That’s rich.”

“Should we tell Dina?” asked Laura while she touched Ellie’s forehead.

“No,” Maria stated. “You”—she pointed at Katherine—“stay here until she wakes up and then take her home. And you”—her finger moved to Laura’s direction—“I suppose you’re free for the night. Let’s keep this all between us.” Her finger gestured around her and with a long sigh, Maria left the room once more. 

“Can I throw water at her face?”

“Katherine…”

“Why, it’s getting late and I’m hungry.”

“Were you guys good friends?” Laura sat on the rolling chair, pulling it to the cart next to the cot to rub hand sanitizer in her hands. 

“Good enough, I guess. Ellie was always very private.” 

They were silent as Laura rolled to the cart to get the supplies back in place for the night.

“So that’s a ‘no’ for the water?”

“Let her rest.”

“Great,” Katherine mumbled and pulled the other chair close to Ellie’s cot. “Welcome home, Ellie.” 

Ellie was in a daze on her walk home, practically being herded by Katherine, who was thankfully quiet. She helped Ellie get in the garage-converted-studio, asked if she needed anything else and left her with a sandwich from the cafeteria. 

Ellie didn’t eat it. She left the lights on and collapsed on her dust-covered bed, which was better than anywhere else she had slept for months.

Dina had been pregnant. In her pursuit of revenge, Ellie left an angry, pregnant mate behind. No wonder Dina slapped her.

Pregnant. Not anymore; she had a kid now. They had a child. 

God, Ellie was a mess. 

She didn’t quite fall asleep; exhaustion simply won the battle, and still in her dirty clothes, Ellie let oblivion take hold.

Light streaming from the window woke Ellie up. Her mouth was dry, and the beginning of a headache was making itself known between her eyes. 

She went through the motions of self care: water, shower, the sandwich from last night.

Then the memories came back and she touched her cheek, feeling it sore from Dina’s slap.

Ellie had a daughter. 

Debbie.

Deborah, like Dina’s mother. Ellie smiled at the name. 

What did she look like? The color of her eyes, the shape of her nose. Laura said she was four months old; had she been premature? How far along was Dina when Ellie left?

She tried to think of Dina before leaving the farm, but her memories from that time were unfocused, blurred.

She thought of Dina, dancing in their living room. Did she dance with their pup now? 

As Ellie finished her sandwich, she realized she knew nothing about pups; she didn’t know how to take care of them, to bathe them or feed them… Neither did Dina, as far as she remembered. It was not that they had never discussed having children, but it was too soon. They were cautious, avoiding penetration when Dina was in her most fertile days, and Ellie had always been so careful. 

But sometimes, things happen. And now, she was ready to take responsibility.

But based on how her cheek still stung, Dina might say she was too late.

Dina would come around and they would be able to talk. She knew Dina, and she would not keep her own daughter away from her. Would she? No, not the Dina she knew. For now, Ellie needed to suck it up, be patient and wait for Dina to approach her. 

She could do that.

Ellie could watch her mate and pup from afar, always maintaining a respectable distance and processing the fact that she had hurt Dina so badly she would rather live alone than with Ellie.

She could probably do that.

The town was just beginning to stir, its streets quiet and drowsy, as Ellie stepped out of her studio. Guards from the night patrol walked home in a parade of yawning, and Paul, an old friend, widened his eyes from the other side of the street and waved at Ellie, who waved back. Smell of fresh bread filled the area around the bakery, and Ellie’s mouth watered at the forgotten scent. There was already movement inside the butcher shop and the mess hall, and people made their way as the sun marked east.

She avoided people on her way to Tommy and Maria’s house, but she looked up at someone calling her name. 

Dark eyes stared at her, first surprised but hardening as Ellie waved. 

“Danielle. Hi,” Ellie faltered, rubbing the back of her neck. 

Jesse’s younger sister had grown in the past year. The timid teen was a grown woman now, eyes challenging as she took Ellie in. 

“I didn’t know you were back,” she said, shaking Ellie’s hand in a strong grip. “Are you staying this time?” Daring, like most young alphas.

“Yes, of course,” Ellie said, letting go of her hand.

Danielle had always been close to Dina, a friendship developed from the years Dina dated Jesse. Danny, as Dina called her, had many reasons to not be Ellie’s fan.

Her brother died following Ellie.

Ellie mated with his ex-girlfriend.

And then Ellie proceeded to abandon said mate—after getting her pregnant—pursuing the same path of revenge that got her brother killed.

Yeah, “not Ellie’s fan” was an understatement. 

“If you say so,” Danny said, eyes focusing on Ellie for another moment before she turned. “See you around.” She didn’t wait for Ellie to reply and kept walking in the direction of the mess hall.

Ellie took a deep breath. She understood the reasons why some people, especially Dina’s friends, did not approve of Ellie’s actions. Gosh, even Dina didn’t understand why Ellie had to go.

Some days, Ellie herself couldn't remember why.

But then, under the stars on her long journey back to Jackson, Ellie realized that the Joel in her mind now smiled. She could see his eyes, crinkled in laughter as he played his guitar. She remembered his jokes. The epiphany she had in the humiliating, cathartic battle with Abby was a painful but necessary healing process.

Ellie had no idea how she would explain that to Dina, though.

Tommy was on his porch, drinking from his mug and staring as the street slowly woke up. He smiled when Ellie approached, and she fidgeted with her backpack while she jumped the front steps to meet him.

“I’ll be damned,” he laughed, standing up with difficulty to crush Ellie in a hug. Ellie hugged him back, sighing on his shoulder. “You really made it.”

“I did.” Ellie held his mug—making a face at the scent of coffee—and followed a limping Tommy inside the house.

“Maria already left for the day. When she said you’d stop by, I told her I’d only believe it when I see ya.” His crooked smile pushed up his bad eye, gray and dead, a constant reminder of Seattle.

Seeing it didn’t hurt as much as it used to.

“Here I am.” Ellie dropped her bag on the side of the living room couch and waited until Tommy made his slow way to the armchair in front of her. 

Grimacing, he accepted the mug she offered back. “Knee gets worse when the weather turns,” he explained, nodding to his injured knee. 

The memory of the boy that attacked them with Abby, battered and unconscious on that boat, flashed in Ellie’s mind. She hoped he made it. 

“Good to see you and Maria are back together,” she said, joining her hands on her lap. Ellie knew what Tommy wanted to ask; she knew what he would want to know, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to tell him. She wasn’t ready to justify her actions. 

“Sometimes we have to bite the bullet.” He waved one hand, smirking slightly. “Things we do for our omegas.”

Ellie looked down, her fingers intertwining. Tommy’s smirk disappeared, and he stared down at his mug. “So you know about Debbie.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t meet his eyes, cheeks blushing under the morning sun. “I haven’t met her.”

“Have you talked to Dina?”

Ellie pointed to her cheek, the uneven swelling marking her features. “She did this yesterday.”

Tommy smirked again, yellowing teeth showing in amusement. “Always a feisty one, that girl. She’ll come around,” he reassured, stretching his good leg. 

“Hope so.” Ellie swallowed, fidgeting with her fingers. The sight of pure anger and fury in Dina’s eyes last night was a reason not to have any hope.

Tommy sipped his coffee, letting silence set in. Ellie looked at the window outside and watched as more people poured from the houses under the rising sun. 

Her fingers itched to sketch the scene. A horse nickered nearby, and a flock of birds welcomed the day a few streets down.

“Did you find her?” That was the question he wanted to ask, and as much as Ellie knew it, she was not prepared.

Eyes on her lap, she replied, “Yes. Santa Barbara.”

Tommy took another sip from his coffee. “Is it over?” he asked after swallowing. 

Ellie thought of Abby’s face: the scars, the marks, the swelling. Missing teeth, emaciated body, long braid long gone. She was a shell of the woman who spared them in Seattle.

“She’s paid.” Ellie found herself saying.

“She’s dead?” Tommy probed. She finally met his eyes; the green in hers hard and unforgiving. 

“She’s paid,” she repeated. 

Huffing, Tommy broke their stare. “If she’s alive, she didn’t pay.” 

“If you had seen her”—She closed her eyes, swallowing against the bile rising on the back of her throat—“She’s paid plenty, Tommy. She would’ve let me kill her if she wasn’t taking care of this boy.”

Silence fell between them again for a tense moment.

“What did she  look like?” Tommy didn’t look up from his mug, frowning at the cooling coffee. 

“Half-dead. A hunter group caught her. Beat her up pretty good. They put her up a… a post, almost like a cross. That’s how I found her.” Ellie’s jaw flexed, and the tip of her boots scratched each other. 

Tommy smiled a small smile, downing his coffee. “Good.”

Ellie released a long breath, stretching her neck from side to side. She reached down and pulled her bag on the couch. 

“The fingers. Infected?” Tommy inquired with his chin jutted in the direction of her mutilated hand. 

Ellie tried to fight the half smile that tugged at her lips. “Abby.” 

Tommy snorted. “That doesn’t sound half-dead to me.”

She didn’t want to explain that Abby had only fought her because Ellie threatened a dying boy. Her fingers were a small price to pay compared to the shame.

“Was that her parting gift?”

“Fuck off,” Ellie mumbled under her breath, but Tommy’s tone was lighter. Whatever he had to deal with in the past year had eroded the part of his heart that demanded revenge. Maria did him good.

“I got you something that I traded with this group in Utah.” Ellie pulled the quarter pound bag of coffee beans from her backpack. “Not much, but I know how you and Joel were crazy for this shit.” 

Tommy looked up at the mention of Joel. It was probably the first time he had heard her say it in such a light tone. 

The bag rattled on his lap when she threw it at him. He put his mug down at the side table next to his chair and smelled the battered bag. “This is good stuff. What did you trade this for?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” she joked, remembering her pistol fondly. 

Tommy gulped and licked his lips. “Joel would trade half his arsenal for a bag of coffee.”

“The crazy old man once traded combat boots on a single pack of instant coffee. Smelled like shit.”

And then, what neither of them expected happened.

They laughed. 

They laughed at the memory of Joel, of his jokes and antics. They shared a little piece of him, and Ellie laughed until she cried, and Tommy slapped himself on his good knee at the memory of Joel’s attempts at flirting when they got to Jackson. 

That morning, Joel was alive again. His memory was alive, and it wasn't a bloody, disfigured mass beaten to a pulp; it was a broad shouldered, courageous man who they both loved very much.

By lunch time, Ellie felt like a new person. The tension and fear from facing Tommy melted into camaraderie and bonding over their profound love for Joel. 

Katherine joined her at the mess hall, saying she was tasked with getting Ellie a job. Andrea, the shy woman who was on guard the night before, sat down next to them at the table.

Ellie’s morning happiness, a bubble of surprising joy she found after talking to Tommy and laughing at Katherine’s jokes, bursted in cold apprehension as Dina appeared at the hall’s entrance. 

Ellie froze with a sandwich halfway to her mouth. Andrea followed the her line of vision and quickly focused back on her plate.

“What are you looking at—oh.” Katherine’s remark died in her throat as she also found Dina making her way to the serving line, but not picking up a tray. They watched as Dina, without ever looking at their table, grabbed a sandwich and disappeared through the same front door, greeting some of the town folks but not sparing a single glance in Ellie’s direction. 

“You okay?” Katherine had her attention back to Ellie, whose hand was closed in a tight fist. 

“Yeah.” Shaking off the daze, Ellie stared at her half-eaten sandwich, suddenly not hungry. She opened and closed her hand, taking a deep breath.

“You guys gonna talk?” Katherine asked between mouthfuls of ham sandwich. 

Andrea shot Katherine a look, which she promptly ignored.

“She’s not even acknowledging me,” Ellie breathed, one hand over her face. 

“I don’t know. She seemed to, yesterday. When she punched you.”

Ellie put her hand down, staring in disbelief at Katherine, mouth agape. 

“I mean,” she continued, biting another chunk off her sandwich. “She didn’t completely ignore you! That’s something.”

Ellie closed her mouth, poking the swell on her cheek.

Yeah, that might be something.

Winter gave its first signs as temperature constantly decreased in the following week. Ellie was no stranger to the cold, and she found a certain comfort in the chill of the season.

That afternoon, as temperature dropped, the workers' breath fogged into vapor as they continued to tend to the horses.

Katherine brought blankets for the horses, and Ellie helped to cover the brave animals, giving a treat or two for her all-time favorites. 

Her heart ached at the thought of Shimmer, but that was the world they lived in. One day you were here, and the other you were blown to pieces at the mercy of rebel groups battling a civil war in a forgotten city.

Or something like it.

“He likes you,” Katherine said while Japan kept sniffing at Ellie’s hands after she ran out of treats.

“He’s Dina’s favorite for patrols,” Ellie said, hand on the animal’s snout, scratching until he neighed quietly. 

“Oh.” Katherine placed a tattered, tan blanket on top of Japan. “It’s been a while, then.”

Ellie had been falling into a routine. She was almost done with her ten-day course of antibiotics, and her ribs were bothering her less and less each morning. But she was not yet ready for patrol, even though she wanted an excuse to leave Jackson for a few hours. When not on patrol herself, Katherine or Andrea were good companions on inside jobs, such as the stables that afternoon. 

“She doesn’t go on patrols anymore?” Ellie kept her stare on Japan’s brown fur, shiny from the recent brushing. 

“Not since she got back. Maria understands. I mean, what kind of mom would she be to risk her life like that with an infant at home?” Katherine hissed apologetically as soon as the words left her mouth.

She was quite the chatterbox. Also, zero filter.

“I guess a pretty shitty one.” Ellie patted Japan one last time between his eyes, turning to gather the tools she had used to clean his hooves. 

“Right,” Katherine breathed, adjusting the blanket on the horse. 

“So,” Ellie started, hands twitching on the small set of tools. “How is she?”

“Dina?” Katherine’s voice was hesitant, her shoulder slumping down, eyes sideways. “She kinda asked me not to say much to you. I don’t know man, she makes this mean meatloaf, I really don’t want to risk not having some and—”

“Not Dina,” Ellie reassured Katherine, turning to face her. Ellie remembered Dina’s meatloaf and also knew the threat was real—and definitely not worth it. “Deborah.” The name was foreign in Ellie’s tongue, even if she repeated it to herself at night. Dina must have been getting out of her way to avoid being in the same place as Ellie, because it had been days since Ellie had seen her, or glimpses of her. And the pup? She hasn’t met her yet.

She understood Dina’s need for space. It didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Oh, baby Debbie. She’s great. I’m like, her third favorite babysitter.” Katherine stated proudly, her shoulders squaring.

“And how many babysitters does she have?” Ellie was curious and worried, wondering how many people it would take to raise a baby. Probably a lot. Definitely more than one. 

“Oh, right, like four or five. But in my defense, Dina says I talk too much, can you believe it? I’m teaching her daughter to speak, and she complains. Incredible.” 

Ellie smiled at the lack of anger in Katherine’s voice. She was a good friend. “When do you usually babysit?”

“Mostly when Dina’s at the clinic, and I’m not on patrol. It’s nice when she’s not crying a lot. Your pup can be quite loud.”

A foreign sensation of pride filled Ellie, and she lifted her chin in pure instinct.

They left Japan’s stall, finding a stray cat meowing in the alley between the horses. Katherine threw a piece of jerky to the scrawny tabby, who grabbed it and scurried away. 

“That’s Hunson, by the way. He’s around, sometimes. No one really knows how he gets in and out the walls, but he manages. He’s a lucky charm.”

Ellie watched the grey tabby cat disappear inside a hole in the wooden wall. Ellie never had a pet before, and she had mixed feelings about dogs. But cats? She had seen and interacted with a few in her journey. They were also survivors.

Dina liked cats.

“She has your eyes, you know,” Katherine said when they reached the storage, placing the spare blankets on the shelf while Ellie did the same with the toolbox. “Debbie. It’s hazel, but the shape”—Katherine looked at Ellie, her hands around her own face for emphasis, and stared right into those green eyes, laughing quietly—“It’s the same.”

Ellie smiled, her face lighting up with it, expanding in a true, raw kind of happiness. 

“Dina will come around. Just give her time.”

Ellie nodded, her smile fading. 

“You kinda were a total jerk by leaving,” Katherine added, always a tad beyond honest that Ellie wasn’t sure if she always appreciated it. 

“I had my reasons,” she defended, staring at the ground as they walked back to the stable hallway.

“And Dina has her reasons to need space now. You came around, so she will too.” 

Ellie opened the wooden gate, the setting sun hitting her eyes. She squinted, holding the door open so Katherine could pass. The vapor of their breaths intensified outside. 

“C’mon,” Katherine said. “There’s squash soup tonight and it’s pretty good. Laura probably saved us a spot. She’s been talking about these CDs she found on patrol, you might want to check it out.”

Ellie followed, hands in her pockets as she crossed the street. The smile came back, uninvited, and it brightened her entire face with the strength of that new feeling of pride.

She had her eyes.

The first time Ellie heard the cries, it was a Tuesday night. She had worked at the gates that day, twelve hours stationed at the watch post. Her hands were freezing from the cold, since she had forgotten her gloves. Walking home, she was blowing on her hands—trying and failing to warm them up—when she heard it.

Three, maybe four houses down. A pup, crying its small lungs out for the entire neighborhood to hear. 

We all know that pup has some lungs.

Your pup can be quite loud. 

That cry, that voice; it could be her daughter. Something she could not explain, a force of nature that tugged at her heart told her that yes, that was her child. 

Ellie sat on the closest curb, her entire body shivering at the cold touch on her backside. She blew on her hands again and hugged her knees close to stay warm. 

The shrills picked up, demanding everyone’s unwanted attention.

Wind blew against her face, painting her cheeks red.

Ellie didn’t mind.

Ellie’s journal was filled with Dina. That simple act of drawing her mate was what kept her sane on her way to California, and then during the slow, cold journey back. 

In her journal, Dina smiled at her, her freckles rising on her cheeks in the way they did when she laughed. In her collection of Dina, she found her asleep, curled on their bed at the farmhouse, face relaxed and free of worry. Pages with Dina dancing in their living room, eyes dark and inviting, hand extended to take Ellie’s own. Hair up, down, in a ponytail or wet; all the faces of her mate that kept Ellie believing she had a home to come back to.

But that had been before she realized she had left Dina alone during the greatest challenge of her life.

Any noise from the outside was ignored, music blasting in Ellie’s ears from a battery powered walkman. She sketched Dina’s nose, so familiar; her chin, a touch of freckles. For now, with Dina ignoring her, that was what Ellie had for company.

Distracted by the music and the drawing of her mate coming to life, Ellie only noticed someone was in her studio when the door cracked open. She turned around in her chair.

Eyes wide, she dropped the pencil in her hands, the sharp noise of it hitting the wooden desk the only sound for the second it took Ellie to find her voice.

“Dina,” she whispered, one of her earbuds falling over her collarbone. Ellie stood up, flinching when the other earbud pulled the walkman to the floor. “Dina,” she repeated, adjusting her hoodie and sweatpants with graffiti-stained fingertips.

Dina closed the front door, blocking the cold. A faded orange jacket and a brown scarf covered her frame. 

For the first time in a very, very long time, Ellie took her mate in.

Dina had gained weight, and Ellie’s eyes traced the curves under her jeans with attentive eyes, snapping them back to Dina’s face as a blush covered her cheeks. Dina’s dark eyes were tired, but vivid, her shoulders squared as she crossed her arms. 

She was, as always, beautiful.

Not meeting Ellie’s eyes, Dina clenched her jaw. “I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, I just…”

“It’s okay,” Ellie said, fearing any wrong move would scare her  away.

Dina spared her a quick glance, and Ellie noticed the dark circles under her eyes. “I know it’s okay,” she said firmly, and Ellie gulped. 

Nodding, Ellie took a step in Dina’s direction, but thought better of it, stopping in the middle of her apartment with her hands in her pockets.

“I don’t need to justify myself to you,” Dina restarted, her hands moving in front of her as she spoke. “I don’t have any obligations to you.” Her hand went to the mating mark under her scarf, on the side of her neck. Dina stopped and put her hand down, hard.

Ellie noticed and swallowed, her own hand moving to the mark on her trapezius, which tingled under the touch. 

With a deep breath, Dina finally met her eyes. “But you’re her sire, and it’d be good to have you in her life.”

Ellie wasn’t sure if she should say anything. So she nodded again, eager, because yes, that’s all she wanted. 

“Friday, come for dinner. I’m at house six, two blocks down.” With a last look at Ellie, Dina left, the door creaking shut behind her.

Ellie brought her three fingers in her left hand on her mouth, touching her chapped lips. Dina’s scent lingered in the air, heavy and unmistakably omega . Ellie closed her eyes, closing her hand and groaning at the burning sensation in her mating mark.

That night, Ellie slept for the entire night in what felt like ages. 

Dina thanked Laura for watching Debbie as soon as she opened the front door, bidding her good night. If the doctor noticed her legs shaking, Dina hoped she would assume it was the cold.

And not seeing Ellie’s face, feeling her scent—eager and open and so like before Dina had barely been able to look at her.

Of course Ellie was drawing, lost in her own thoughts. And when she stood up, Dina saw herself in Ellie’s journal. A physical confirmation that Ellie thought about her, even after almost a year.

Debbie gurgled from her crib, kicking the air in her light blue onesie. She approached the crib, warming her hands together before touching Debbie’s nose and cheeks playfully. The baby tried to suck on her finger, a telltale of hunger, and Dina shrugged off her jacket before picking up the infant. 

Ellie had not forgotten her. She knew that now. 

But Dina never really had a chance of forgetting the alpha when a xerox copy of her looked up with big, amber eyes, mouth latched on her breast. 

“Your sire can be a real dummy sometimes,” she told the pup, her free hand caressing the thin, soft hair.

Dina had avoided Ellie for the first weeks of her return. She wasn’t ready to see her on a daily basis, to watch the woman who once had promised to cherish and protect her; promises Ellie had broken so trivially in a blind quest for revenge.

When Ellie went to Seattle, Dina followed. Back then, she understood. 

But after Dina herself had been spared by the same woman Ellie swore to kill, Dina had accepted that it was over.

Both women, Ellie and Abby, had left piles of bodies on all sides. 

Ellie threw away everything that Dina offered her: stability, love. A family. Dina gave herself in a sacred mating bond because she believed in them.

Giving up on their relationship had been Ellie’s choice.

Now, it was Dina’s.