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“Dan! You’re staring.”
“Huh?” Dan blinked over at Meg, who was frowning at him. “No, I’m not.” He turned, chin in his hand, and went right back to staring at the back of Herbert West’s head.
Herbert’s shoulders hunched under his checkered dress shirt as he bent over his notes. Dan could just see the tip of his pencil, wagging back and forth like an excited dogs tail. Occasionally he would mutter to himself, or reach behind and scratch at the back of his neck, disturbing the little spikes of hair dusting his collar.
“You’re being weird,” Meg hissed out of the corner of her mouth as Ms. Hayes droned on about the Napoleonic war.
“I’m not,” he insisted, watching with rapture as Herbert took the end of his pencil between his teeth.
“You are. Honestly.” She shook her head as the bell rang.
Herbert was the first out the door, sweeping his books into his messenger bag with one swipe, and taking off at a brisk pace. He didn’t glance back as he left but when he turned in the doorway Dan glimpsed his sharp profile, the little snub of his nose, his lips pressed thin, the straight wire of his glasses tucked behind his ear.
Then he was gone. That was how it always seemed to be; Dan just catching glimpses, Herbert so close that he could reach out and touch him but still seeming miles away.
“I don’t know what your hang-up is,” Meg said as they walked to her locker. “What anyone could see in West is beyond me.”
“Come on, Meg,” Dan sighed. “You said you’d be, you know…supportive.”
Meg opened her locker, cut a glance at him before unloading her books. The door of her locker was decorated with a Vixen poster and flower stickers. In the corner was a polaroid of the two of them at Coney Island. They held a huge cone of cotton candy between them, their teeth stained pink as they grinned at the camera.
“Dan, you know I support you. About-“ she waved her hand in the air vaguely, “-everything. But when you said you were sweet on someone I wasn’t expecting…him.”
“Well, sorry to disappoint you.”
He must’ve sounded huffy because Meg closed her locker and squeezed his arm. Her small fingers were light beneath the sleeve of his baseball jersey where she gripped him.
“Look, Dan,” she said, her voice softened, “I just don’t want to see you getting hurt, that’s all. I care about you too much.”
“Who says I’ll get hurt?” he fired back and she raised an eyebrow at him. Dan back-pedalled. “Okay, I know he’s a little rough around the edges but I think there’s more to him.”
“Oh, really? Have you ever even talked to him?”
“Yeah, I have.” Dan paused. “In passing,” he admitted. But that totally counted. The time Herbert had asked him if he were blind as well as stupid when Dan had accidentally bumped him in the hall totally counted as talking. “But you know what? That changes today.”
Before he could think better of it he turned on his heel and marched down the hall. Meg called after him once but he didn’t slow down, if he did he worried the quaking in his knees would send him crumpling to the ground. He walked until the crowds of people parted and he spotted a pair of beige slacks stood beneath an open locker.
Herbert’s over-stuffed satchel hung at his side, his knobbly hands swapping out thick textbooks for even thicker textbooks. Dan stopped and let out a slow breath, before steeling himself and walking over. He paused a few feet from Herbert and leaned against the cool metal as Herbert grumbled to himself.
“Uh, hi,” Dan’s words came out squeaky and he quickly cleared his throat. He really did not need his voice cracking right now.
The locker swung shut and suddenly Herbert was looking at him. Dan tried not to fidget as Herbert’s critical gaze swept over him, swiftly down, then back up to his face.
“What?” He didn’t say it like a question, but more of a demand.
Dan blinked. Any smooth opening line and conversation starter had flown straight out of his head. He fumbled for something to say as Herbert stared at him expectantly.
“Um, I’m Dan,” he finally said. “We have class together.”
“I know who you are, Dan Cain” Herbert replied, his voice dripping with a contempt that made Dan wince. “We’ve ‘had class together’ for nearly two years.”
“I know!” he said too loudly. “I just- We’ve never really, uh, talked before.”
“Yes, and what a wonderful set-up it’s been.” He hitched the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder and walked right past Dan.
“Wha-“ Dan swung around the watched him sweep down the hall, not glancing back at Dan. This was not how he’d saw this going. He scrambled to catch up with him, nearly bowling over a couple of freshman in the process. “Herbert, wait!” he called as he fell into step with the other boy, who was moving at a pace that seemed to excel his short legs. “Just hang on a second, will ya?”
“Why?” Herbert asked, staring straight ahead. “What have I done to deign the honour of conversation with the Daniel Cain?”
Dan pursed his lips. Herbert sure was a feisty one. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You said so yourself that we’ve never talked before.”
“Well, yeah-“
“So why do you want to talk to me now?” He stopped abruptly at the large double doors that lead out, onto the quad, and sliced a glare up at Dan. “If you’re going to try and intimidate me into doing your homework, save your breath.”
“Uh, no, that’s not it.” Dan couldn’t grasp onto a coherent thought; Herbert’s intense eyes zeroed in on him had the contents of his brain turning to slush and spilling out of his ears. “I just wanted to talk to you. Just…hang out? You know?”
Herbert’s hard gaze turned incredulous. “‘Hang out’?” he echoed, as if this were a completely foreign concept. “You want to ‘hang out’ with me?”
“Uhh-“ The slush continued to flow. “Yes?”
Herbert stared at him, eyes narrowed, mouth slightly open. After a few seconds of them staring at each other, Dan nervously and Herbert quizzically, Herbert clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. “Don’t you have—I don’t know—a ball to throw or some pretty girl to make eyes at?” he drawled as he pushed open the door with his shoulder.
“Hey- That’s not-“ Dan tried to say but Herbert was already walking across the parking lot, his loafers crunching on the loose gravel. “Where are you going?” Dan called after him.
Herbert couldn’t be cutting class, he was a nerd.
“I always take my lunch outside,” Herbert said over his shoulder. “Too much noise in there.”
Dan thought about saying something else or running after him but his feet remained glued to the spot and soon Herbert was gone from view.
“You know who’s nice? Stacy Wilkins,” Meg said conversationally from the bed. “She’s really sweet, gets straight A’s, and is really pretty.”
Dan said nothing from his spot on the floor. He laid out on the carpet, hands folded over his stomach as he stared at up the ceiling.
He heard Meg sigh. “Her sister’s on the prom committee with me. I could probably set you up with her?”
Dan groaned and scrubbed at his face. “I don’t want to go out with Stacy, Meg.”
Meg rolled her eyes. “Oh, right. I forgot you want someone who can give you a hard time. In that case, why don’t you go out with Tish Donnelly? I hear she’s a real piece of work…”
Dan let out a harsh sigh and sat upright. “I don’t want Tish, or Stacy, or any of those girls. I want…” He trailed off, his voice catching in his throat.
Meg, lying on her stomach over his rumpled sheets, finished, “…West?” Her mouth screwed up like Herbert's name tasted sour.
The wind went out of Dan’s sails and he flopped back again. “Yes,” he murmured wistfully. “Herbert.”
Dan’s gut churned at the thought of him, cold, greasy worms burrowing into his insides. This was how it always was now. Him lying around, feeling sick over Herbert. He hated it. Sometimes he wished he could go right back to getting swept up in whatever pretty girl glanced his way, but now that he’d seen Herbert he couldn’t look away.
Dan had always known he’d liked girls and probably wouldn’t have realised what that little nag in the back of his mind was when he found himself looking at guys in more than a chummy way. He would have left those thoughts and feelings packed away for another day, another lifetime, and went right on with a girl on his arm. Until he’d found himself inexplicably drawn to Herbert.
He’d found himself watching him, looking at him in a way that was familiar and, all at once, different. Now all he wanted was for Herbert to look back.
Meg was sighing again. “I don’t know where our relationship went so wrong that you can’t like a perfectly nice, respectable girl.”
Dan rolled onto his side and picked at a loose thread on the carpet. “Believe me, if I had any choice in the matter I’d change things too.”
“Do you even know if he’s…y’know?” She wiggled her hand, as if that were an indicator of being queer.
It was something Dan had been trying to piece together himself. He’d never known another person like him so he wasn’t sure exactly what to look for. Were there any giveaways? Was there something in the way Herbert spoke? How he sat with his legs crossed? His thin wrists? His ramrod posture?
He’d never heard of Herbert going out with any girls, but he’d also never heard of Herbert having any kind of social life. Everyone disliked him and he disliked them back with a vehemence. Maybe he was like Dan and swung both ways. If Herbert wasn’t gay then Dan wouldn’t have to worry about having a shot with him. It would all be doomed and out of his control. That, he told himself, he could turn to accept. But the heavy ache in his chest at the thought argued otherwise.
“I don’t know,” Dan admitted. He looked at Meg, who was examining the sleeve of her sweater with an iron focus. “What do you think?”
Her blue eyes looked at him with bewilderment. “You’re asking me?”
“Well, I don’t know, maybe you can see something I’m not.”
“I try to see him as little as possible.”
“Look, just-“ Dan jumped to his feet, dug around in his desk drawer, and pulled out a yellow legal pad and a pencil. “I’ll write it all down. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll write down all the reasons he could be gay, and all the reasons maybe he isn’t.”
“Dan-“
“No no, listen. Then you can go over the facts with me and I can plan from there.”
“Danny, please.” Meg got up from the bed and gently placed her hand on his arm.
He didn’t realise he’d been pacing until her touch brought him to a stop in the middle of the room. Her eyes were troubled before she closed them and let out a long breath. When she looked at him again it was with the steady resolution he’d always admired in her.
“Okay, look. As much as I hate to say it, the best thing you can do is just talk to him. All this guessing is just gonna make you go crazy. I hate seeing you this way.”
“‘Talk’ to him?” Dan echoed, raising an eyebrow. “Just—what?—come right out and ask him?”
Meg shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. That part’s for you to figure out.”
Dan stayed standing as Meg laid back on the bed. He stood and thought for a long time. Meg painted her nails a light blue.
“You again?” Herbert squinted up at him from his seat on the bleachers.
He held a half-eaten sandwich and had an open book balanced on his knees. His pants were shorter today, hiking up to his mid-calf, revealing a thin strip of milk-white skin above his socks.
“Uh, hi,” Dan said, tearing his eyes away. “Is this seat taken?”
“Don’t be cute,” Herbert retorted but didn’t protest as Dan sat down beside him. He averted his gaze from Dan, taking a bite of his sandwich. “What’re you doing out here?” he asked around a mouthful of bread.
Dan tried for an easy smile, grabbing an apple out of his bag. “Oh, nothing,” he said, tossing the apple high in the air, and deftly catching it behind his back without looking. “Just figured it was a nice day, shame to waste it inside.”
“It’s always a waste in there,” Herbert grumbled, his dark brows knitting into a deep frown. Dan wondered if he’d get premature wrinkles. “All that mindless babble. It hurts just listening to it. I much prefer being alone.”
“Yeah, being alone is great.”
Herbert side-eyed him but said nothing. For a few moments they sat and ate in silence. Dan thought about what Meg had said, about just talking to Herbert, asking him. But how could he? What if Herbert was disgusted by the question and told everyone about Dan’s big, gay crush on him? He shuddered at the thought. He’d be off the baseball team for sure.
“What’re you working on?” He asked instead, glancing down at where Herbert was scribbling in his notebook.
Herbert sat up a little straighter. “Just some extra-curricular studies, a theory I’ve been playing around with." He preened, smoothing his papers down. "I wouldn’t bother trying to read it, it’s all very theoretical-“
“That equation’s wrong.”
Herbert’s mouth caught open, as though trying to bite into an invisible ball. He slid his gaze over to Dan and blinked a few times. “…What?”
“Right there.” Dan pointed. “The value of x would be twelve, not ten.”
“Wha-? Let me see that!” He tossed his sandwich aside and brought the pages up, an inch from his nose, squinting down at his own writing.
For a moment Dan regretted opening his mouth. The last thing he wanted to do was offend Herbert in some way. But Herbert lowered his notes and looked Dan slowly up and down with a careful eye. Dan tried not to squirm under his watchful gaze.
“You’re right,” Herbert said slowly, still squinting at Dan. “How are you right?”
“Oh, uh, well-“ Dan scratched at the back of his neck and coughed into his fist. “I mean, Science is my best class. I mean, I get my best grades in Science. I’m second in the class to you.”
“Is that so?” Herbert brought his thumb to his lips and worried at the nail with his teeth. Dan tried not to stare. “Hmm. I never considered…”
“What?” Dan asked, failing in his mission not to stare.
Herbert pursed his lips. “I never considered the value of having another pair of eyes. A second pass before publication.”
“You’re publishing this?”
Herbert waved a hand. “A figure of speech. Maybe you’d better read over it more.” Herbert thrust the papers against Dan’s chest and he scrambled to catch them all, making him drop his apple.
“Oh, um, sure.” He glanced down at the mass of notes and swallowed. “I don’t know how much help I’ll be, though.”
“Nonsense.” Herbert leaned back against the bench behind them and crossed an ankle over his knee. “I’ll talk you through it. If you’re interested in science, you’ll be interested in this.”
Dan huffed a laugh and straightened the pages up, his cheeks warm. “Okay. I’m interested.”
“Good.”
Herbert started talking in long, rambling sentences, gesticulating his points by throwing his hands out in wild gestures. He found that once Herbert got going Dan could barely get a word in, but that suited him just fine. He thought that Herbert didn’t want him to proof-read his work, so much as just listen to his theories, one of which included being able to reverse the atrophying of muscle tissue.
After what felt like no time at all Herbert checked his watch and he abruptly stood up, announcing he had to get to Trig II. He grabbed his notes out of Dan’s hands, their fingers brushing in the process and making Dan bite his tongue to hold in a gasp.
Herbert bounced down the steps and hit the turf at a brisk walk. Dan scrambled to sit upright.
“I’ll see you later!” Dan called to Herbert’s retreating back.
The other boy looked over his shoulder and gave a wry smile. “We do have class together.”
Dan watched him go then fell back on the bleachers with a happy sigh. He didn’t think he could remember a time he’d seen Herbert smile. It was a cute look on him.
Dan thought he could feel something in his hair. A light buzzing against the back of his skull.
He sat in class, trying to pay attention but found he couldn’t concentrate against the sensation. He turned to look behind him and met Herbert’s eyes for a brief moment before Herbert ducked down to bury his nose in his notes.
A pleasant warmth spilled through Dan’s stomach, swelling in his chest, and he smiled. He turned back to face the front of the class and smiled some more when he felt the buzzing return.
Baseball practice was something Dan always enjoyed. Dropping the pressure of the days schoolwork by rolling his shoulders and doing something with his hands always relaxed him. He enjoyed the ache in his muscles, the jovial yelling from the other guys on the team, the crack of the bat hitting the ball. He loved it all.
Dan swung as their team’s star pitcher, Paul, threw a curveball at him. He connected, earning that loud, satisfying crack of thunder, sending the ball sailing clean over the field. Paul whistled as he watched the ball sail past the fielders.
“Nice one, Dan,” he commented. “I thought I had you there.”
Dan grinned and whacked him on the shoulder. “Yeah, better luck next time, pal.”
Paul shoved him back and they both laughed. Paul abruptly stopped, squinting at something over Dan’s shoulder. Then he chuckled. “Looks like we’ve got a new mascot.”
Dan turned to follow his gaze and froze when he saw the lone figure perched on the bleachers. Herbert sat, hunched over like a gargoyle, staring down at them. He had his books spread out on his knees and Dan wondered how he could’ve missed him.
Paul cupped a hand round his mouth and waved. “Hi-ho, West! Come to show some school spirit?”
Herbert scowled at them and hid behind his notebook.
Paul’s arm dropped. “I’ll take that as a no.” He bumped his elbow against Dan’s side. “Tough crowd, huh?”
Dan mumbled some response as they went back to their positions. He shook his head, trying to focus, but it was difficult with Herbert there. Dan was hyper aware of Herbert’s eyes on him as he forgot how to act natural at all. God. How could he ever be around Herbert for any length of time when just Herbert looking at him made his knees turn to jelly? Was this how it was with every queer guy?
He made it through the rest of practice without taking a ball to the face and waved to the rest of the guys as they broke for the showers. Dan hung back, waiting until the field was empty before sucking in a breath and making his way over to the bleachers. He leaned against the chainlink fence, tipping his chin up to smile at Herbert.
“Hey there. Enjoy the view?” As soon as the words left his mouth he realised how flirty they sounded and froze. Shit. Would Herbert think he was weird?
Herbert just folded his book shut. “I’ve never understood the appeal of sports. You just throw and hit a ball, then run around in a circle? Seems kind of pointless, if you ask me.”
Dan breathed out a laugh and wiped the back of his hand over his sweaty brow. “Well, I guess it’s not exactly the most productive thing in the world, but it’s fun to play and fun to watch. If you ever came to a game I bet you’d have fun.”
Herbert quirked an eyebrow. “A bold claim.”
“They’re the only claims I make,” Dan replied, leaning forward over the fence.
Herbert gave him the briefest of smiles before he pointed to Dan’s bat. “I thought you were right-handed, but then you were swinging with your left side.”
“Oh, yeah.” Dan lifted the bat up and patted the smooth wood. “Sometimes I like to switch it up, depending on the pitcher. Gives me an edge, you know?”
“Yes, but how?”
“I’m ambidextrous. I, uh, swing both ways.” He swayed the bat back and forth in front of him with a weak laugh, but Herbert wasn’t laughing. He stared at Dan with such intensity Dan broke into a sweat.
“I don't,” was all Herbert said. Dan didn’t know how to respond to that. After a moment of taut silence Herbert hopped to his feet and busied himself with stuffing everything back in his satchel. “Right,” he said, more so to himself than Dan. “Erm. Yes, well. I’ll be going now.”
He scampered away and Dan had to rush to catch up with him.
“Hey, wait- Herbert!”
He caught Herbert’s arm, his hand fitting around his thin bicep like a cuff, and Herbert wheeled around to face him.
“What?” Herbert bit out and Dan released him, his palm tingling.
“Um.” Dan was still sweating, his stomach tied in nervous knots, but he knew if he didn’t say anything now he wouldn’t get another opportunity. “I just wanted to ask you if, uh, you wanted to go somewhere?”
Herbert gripped the strap of his bag and eyed Dan. “‘Go somewhere’?”
Dan coughed and scratched at the back of his neck. “Like, uh, go somewhere together, you know? Just the two of us?”
Herbert stood so he fully faced Dan and pressed the pads of his fingers together. He brought those fingers up to his lips—his, soft, pink lips—and let out a slow breath.
“Dan,” he began, staring straight at him, “I don’t know you very well so I could be reading this whole thing completely wrong, but the way it seems to me is that you’re…trying to ask me out on a date?”
Dan’s stomach dropped to his feet. Of course that was what he was doing, but hearing it from Herbert’s own mouth—his supple, pert mouth—,everything laid out in the open, had him wanting to run for the hills.
Instead he swallowed against the dryness in his throat and nodded. “Y-Yes. That’s right.”
Herbert’s brow furrowed and he looked more confused than ever. “But why?” he cried out, scrubbing a hand through his messy, dark hair. “Why would you-? Isn’t there some pretty cheerleader whose throat is begging for your tongue?”
Dan forgot his nerves for a second. “Ew.”
“It just makes no sense to me,” Herbert went on, shaking his head. “Even if I’m to believe that you are a homosexual, I still don’t see why you’d be interested in me.”
“So, you are then?” Dan asked, his heart in his mouth. “You’re gay?”
He couldn’t believe they were talking about this, out in the open. Sure, there was no one else around, but this still felt like something that could only be whispered about behind closed doors.
Herbert crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes. “Oh, like it’s some big secret.”
“I wasn’t sure.”
“Everyone insults me for it.”
“Not me.”
Herbert clamped his mouth shut. He stared at the grass between his feet, shifting a little as Dan stepped closer to him. He pressed his lips together, and cleared his throat, almost…shyly?
Dan wanted desperately to reach out and touch him. Maybe just hold his arm again, or take his hand in his—anything. But Herbert was almost shaking and Dan thought if he touched him now he’d silently shatter into a million pieces.
“Well?” Dan eventually said.
“Well what?” Herbert snapped back but he didn’t look angry, just flustered.
Dan laughed under his breath. “Well, do you want to go out sometime?”
Herbert stared. “You’re really serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious. I know this is weird.” He smoothed his damp palms down the front of his jersey. “I mean, you’re the only one besides Meg who knows about me…Is it really so hard to believe?”
Herbert tossed his chin back and pursed his lips. “Well, you can hardly blame me. You really do have a penchant for sticking your tongue down any available girl’s throat.”
Dan rolled his eyes with an exasperated laugh. “I’m asking you now.”
“To stick your tongue down my throat?”
“No! God-“
“Because that is a part of this whole gay thing, Dan.”
“Now it sounds like you want my tongue down your throat.”
“No, I do not.”
Dan broke out laughing as Herbert huffed, muttering that Dan truly was a cretin if he ever knew one.
“Will you go out with me?” Dan asked once his giggles died down and he gained some semblance of control over himself. His cheeks still stung from smiling so much. Herbert looked at him but said nothing so Dan acted on impulse, gently pulling Herbert’s arms uncrossed and taking his hand in both of his. “I really do like you, Herbert. Just knowing you’re there makes it hard to concentrate.”
Herbert sucked in a breath but let Dan hold his hand. “I…think I know what you mean.” He chewed at the inside of his lip before saying, “Yes. I’ll go out with you. Whatever that means.”
Dan blinked. Joy like he’d never known welled up inside him, threatening to pop his lungs and spill little pieces of his heart all over the pitch. “Really? You will?” Herbert’s wry smile told him he’d sounded entirely too enthused so he coughed into his fist and said again in a more level voice, “I mean, uh, you will?”
“Yes,” Herbert said again and slowly retracted his hand. Dan missed the shape of it immediately. “Meet me behind the library after school, tomorrow. We can do whatever it is that people on dates do.” He caught himself and wagged a finger at Dan. “I’m not putting out though, just so we’re clear.”
Dan’s cheeks blazed and he scrubbed at his hot skin. “Herbert, oh my, God-“
“Until then,” Herbert said, hoisting his bag up and skipping down the steps, onto the grass. He didn’t say anything else as he strode away, but he did look over his shoulder at Dan once and smile.
Dan couldn’t move as he watched him go. Some part of his brain had short-circuited the moment the word “Yes” had fallen from Herbert’s lips—his beautiful, kissable lips—and now he was rooted to the spot.
I have a date with Herbert West, he thought, and couldn’t help the stupid, giddy grin that overtook him. If he played his cards right he might just get a second date.