Chapter Text
Dean likes Cas. A lot. And he’s only just recently admitted it to himself. After months and months and years and years of pushing his feelings as far down as he could make them go, he grew tired of it. He loves Cas. So much and it’s scary. He doesn’t know how long he’s been in love with Cas. He knows he’s been pushing the feelings away for a while but he doesn’t know if maybe there was a time before that where he didn’t realize he was. Has he been in love with Cas this whole time? The thought in itself is bizarre.
He hasn’t told anyone. Especially Cas. And he won’t. It’s too risky. He can’t lose Cas and Dean knows for sure that Cas isn’t in love with him. How could he be? He’s a freaking angel of the lord and Dean is just… Dean.
Dean acts the same around him, or at least he tries to. The only thing that’s changed is that Dean acknowledges his feelings.
He doesn’t even think Cas really has that kind of affection. He knows Cas loves him, Cas said! But in a family way. Like a brother or something. And Dean is pretty sure Cas isn’t into like… physical stuff. Every time the topic comes up he is confused and seemingly uninterested.
So it doesn’t even matter.
It doesn’t.
He’ll just secretly love Cas for the rest of his life and not do a goddamn thing about it. It’s worth it if they can stay friends. Dean isn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that.
And hey, maybe there’s a teeny, tiny, microscopic shred of a chance that Cas likes Dean. And if he does, surely he’ll say something. Cas has always been pretty bold. Dean hopes every time Cas opens his mouth that it’s to confess his undying love for him, but alas, he doesn’t.
Dean used to think about just doing it, and how he would do it. He’s had the conversation in his head dozens of times. He used to think of exactly what he would say, how he would say it, what he would do… But he stopped thinking about that. He’s never going to. It’s senseless. It’s only a fantasy at this point. Sometimes he wonders if he should just tell somebody. Anybody. Just to get the weight off his chest because that weight is crushing him and slowly killing him. Not Cas. But somebody. Jack could keep a secret. Sam would be supportive, but he might try to get involved. Roweena, maybe? She can sometimes give good advice, and at the very least, she’ll listen. Garth maybe? Jody? Donna? They would all be very nice to him about it. Claire? She would be less nice, maybe not tell Claire. Anybody. A stranger he’ll never see again? Just someone.
He won’t. If he tells anyone then there is a chance it could get back to Cas so he’s not going to tell anyone.
He fantasizes about it though. He fantasizes about a lot of things. It keeps him up a night most nights. Pretty late at night too. And that’s exactly why he’s awake right now.
Well, half awake. Laying on his stomach. Eyes closed. Trying to sleep. Trying to shut his brain off. Starting to drift away. Sometimes he’s not even sure if he’s asleep or not. When he drifts off while still thinking. That and the fact that he’s a light sleeper, so when he wakes up, the only way he could tell he was ever sleeping is that time has passed.
He’s always been a light sleeper.
Dean finally goes to sleep around 2.
And around 2:15, his door opens. Dean wakes up, startled by the sound of shuffling. He stays still, reaching for his gun. And quickly, he moves to aim it towards the sound. Dean looks, “Cas?” Cas stands up. Cas was bent over digging around under Dean’s bed. Dean lets his hand go slack, putting his gun back onto the side table. He’s confused. “What are you doing, man? What time is it?”
“Sorry to wake you,” Cas blushes. Dean doesn’t see because it’s pretty dark. Dean notices something in Cas’s hand as he moves it swiftly behind his back to hide it. “I was just looking for something, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“Okay…” Dean processes. “Well, did you find it?” Cas tilts his head, “What you were looking for?” Dean doesn’t ask him what exactly he was looking for, just if he found it or not.
“Uhm,” Cas looks away quickly. Dean doesn’t know why Cas is acting so weird. “Yes, I think so.”
“Do you need anything?” Dean asks finally.
“No… In fact, I think I’ll let you go back to sleep… Again, I apologize. I know you have trouble going to sleep.” How could Cas possibly know that? “Oh!” Cas says, reaching for Dean, “I could put you to sleep! Would you like that?”
Dean moves away from Cas’s hand. “-No,” Dean chuckles, “No, I’m good. Thanks.”
“Very well,” Cas puts his hand down. “If you change your mind, feel free to ask. It’s really no trouble”
“Okay, Cas,” Dean giggles.
“Okay,” Cas stiffens up. “I’m going to leave now. I hope your dreams are pleasant.” Cas starts to walk out of the room.
“Hey uh, Cas?” Cas freezes. “Maybe next time do this during the day?”
“Next time?” Cas says confused.
“I mean like… I almost shot you, so… Not that that would have done anything other than wake everyone else up, but you know…”
“Oh. I understand. Okay.” Cas nods. “Sorry again.” And Cas walks out, shutting the door. Dean huffs and lays back down and tries to go back to sleep.
He wakes up again around 8:30, so not a bad night of sleep. He sits up, still curious about what happened last night with Cas. What was he even looking for? Dean doesn’t even keep anything under his bed except for-
“Fuck,” Dean mumbles and jolts up. He kneels on the floor and reaches under his bed and pulls out a sizable box.
The only thing Dean keeps under his bed is his box of porn. Old magazines, lots of them. Some old DVDs and some even older VHSs. Dean got rid of most of his VHS tapes, but he kept his favorite three. He hasn’t found any DVDs better than these three VHSs. Porn used to be so good. Porn on the internet is great because it’s accessible, but Dean still prefers his VHS and DVDs because they hold integrity. But, because it’s a bit of a hassle, he only uses them for special occasions.
Dean struggles to find VHSs anyway, so it makes sense that his VHS number stays at a constant three tape collection. He’s looking for some good ones because the porn he’s gotten more into lately has been a bit… different.
His first love of porn featured just women. But, girl and guy is cool too. Slowly he became more interested in the guy which is weird because he thought he watched only for the girls. It was an accident if he ever looked at or focused on the dudes. But then he saw one DVD of this guy… Dean saw his face… and his chest heaving… and he tensed up… and he made the most amazing sound Dean had ever heard in porn… And he came. So hard.
Dean was infatuated. He rewound and watched it a few more times for… experimental purposes.
Long story short… Dean started looking for porn featuring just dudes. Which is fine. Because just because he likes watching dudes have sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t also like to watch women have sex. It’s totally fine. He thinks it’s fine. He’s come to terms with it anyway…
Besides, he is hopelessly in love with his best friend… And said best friend is a dude.
Dean, inspecting the box, looks for something that could be missing. He thinks Cas may have had something in his hand when he caught him, but it was late and maybe Dean has just imagined it. He had to have. What does Cas want with his porn? Did Cas know what was under Dean’s bed?
Then Dean remembers. And he starts panicking. He quickly shuffles through, picking up the stack of magazines. He sighs in relief.
Under his stack of magazines, Dean keeps a vibrator. It stays in the box it came in, but that doesn’t mean Dean never uses it. He became rather curious, as one does. He couldn’t help it. Seriously though, it’s natural to be curious, right? He was watching other dudes take it up the ass and they seemed to really like that. And Dean is curious by nature, he has to be in his line of work. So… A vibrator.
His first time trying it was so amazing, Dean wishes he would have been doing it the whole time. Just his fingers while he tried opening himself up for the first time felt way better than expected. Then he finally got the thing in and it vibrated so intensely inside him. It felt better than anything he’s ever experienced and he had experienced a lot. He planned on jacking off while it was inside him, but once he slid the thing in, he couldn’t stop thrusting it. Slowly, in and out. He came faster than he usually does, it would have been embarrassing had someone else been there. Dean looked it up later and found out that the vibrator kept hitting his prostate and that’s why it felt so good. Dean’s never had that stimulated before. Needless to say, the vibrator was worth the money, and the embarrassment of walking into the store to buy it. He thought about saying that he was buying it for his girlfriend, not for himself, but that would have been just as embarrassing, if not more.
Luckily, the vibrator is still there. In the box. Where Dean left it. Dean doesn’t think Cas even saw it.
Dean puts the magazines back, feeling a bit calmer. He was being ridiculous anyway. He might not know what Cas was looking for but it sure as hell wasn’t porn. What does Cas want with porn, anyway? He starts reorganizing it to push back under his bed when he sees it.
He only has two VHSs.
Dean is instantly confused. Did he leave it out last time he watched it? No. Dean never forgets to put them back. That can leave only one option.
Cas stole his porn.
Dean pushes the box back under the bed and stands up. He just stands up. Frozen. He’s thinking.
Surely Cas didn’t take it. Though, it would explain why Cas was being subtly weird last night. And why he would do it when Dean was asleep. But no. Cas didn’t steal his porn. No.
Dean is a bit relieved that if Cas did take it, that at least it was normal, red-blood, straight-male porn. It wasn’t that gay shit he’s got slowly piling up in there.
But there’s no way Cas took his porn. There’s just no way.
Dean shakes his head and gets dressed for the day. Trying not to think about it.
If Cas didn't take the VHS, which there’s no way he did, then it’s somewhere, and Dean’s gotta find it. It’s not urgent. He doesn’t have to drop everything and look for it, but he is going to keep an eye out for it…
Right after he checks all the VCRs because that's quick due to their limited amount in the bunker. There are three, as far as Dean knows. One in his room, one in Sam’s room, one in the TV room. He also checks Jack's room because he can’t remember if Jack has one or not. He doesn’t. Thank fuck because that would have been such an awkward conversation.
He doesn’t find it, but he doesn’t keep looking. He’s not super concerned. He’s just a little concerned. Because of the little, small chance that it was Cas that took it, but Cas didn’t take it. Dean throws that idea out of his head every time it pops in.
He goes about his day like normal and does not bring it up.