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Stewart was pacing back and forth in the dingy basement. The stink of unwashed laundry and pot smoke that had seemingly always lingered felt stronger than ever. But even the unhygienic standard of the shared living quarters could not distract him from her. Gae . Yeah, others could laugh at the name and how it was pronounced but to Stewart it was perfect. She was perfect.
Yet no matter how he yearned for her, Stewart had always had a hard time expressing his feelings. He had seen this girl only a few times and knew she was everything he wanted. Or at least he was surely convinced of it, kudos to the strong ability of meth being able to distort reality.
He now felt the comedown of his high setting in. The euphoria was wearing off, about to flip into a totally opposite feeling where he would feel itchy and irritable.
He came to a hard stop from his bout of pacing.
‘Must’ve walked five miles just now,’ came Devon’s voice.
Through his fantasy, Stewart had sort of spaced out from the room and forgotten about its other occupants.
‘Just caught up with something,’ he said, rubbing his chin mischievously.
Devon exchanged a questioning look with the smallest member of the group, Roald.
‘It’s that girl again?’ came Roald’s voice, sounding worried as always.
Stewart replied with a ‘hmph’ then turned to face Roald.
‘Another bump right about now?’ he asked, feeling the comedown harder and harder as the seconds passed.
Roald answered with a deep, almost creepy grin, his eyebrows arching highly into the bottom of his red bandana.
‘All ready,’ he said, pointing Stewart to the line already made out on the tabletop.
‘I just don’t know what to say to her,’ Stewart was now going on, his frame spread across the large couch and his gaze focused upward. Devon and Roald were deeply invested in his ramblings, since any crisis that was Stewart’s was also their own, given he was sort of the leader of the group.
‘I don’t know man, you know I’m no good with girls,’ replied Devon, shaking his head.
Stewart turned to Roald but almost immediately realized how dumb it had been.
‘I’m gay, so... don’t look at me,’ Road starting reminding them, breaking into a giggle.
They laughed it out for a moment and then their attention span swept the conversation into another direction.
‘You ever been with a girl, Roald?’ Devon now asked.
‘No, honestly, never even considered it. I just always knew,’ he answered, turning his gaze to Stewart. Anyone could appreciate Stewart’s beauty but no one treasured it like Roald did. He was hoping Stewart would pick up on this subtle move but soon realized it would be futile to try any harder than he already had in the past three years or so. Stewart would never notice him and certainly never love him the way he wanted him to.
He was snapped from his sappy overthinking by Stewart’s reply.
‘How do you ‘just know’?’ he asked, still not making eye contact with Roald.
‘Um, well I don’t know, it just seems... right ,’ Roald answered, frantically scratching his left ear. His legs had been shaking the whole time due to the effects of the stimulant, but now this talk of love and attraction was making him all the more nervous and jittery.
‘But you’ve never tried with a girl, so how can you know it’s right?’ Roald knew that Stewart’s intense questioning had not been out of any homophobic intent but rather a spiral of thoughts from his overly stimulated brain. Yet he still felt the need to defend himself.
‘Because! I feel it all the time, okay Stewrt? All the damn time!’ Amidst the combination of drugs and repressed feelings Roald seemed to lose his temper quickly. But neither Stewart nor Devon reacted, as someone in their group was always tweaking out. That’s who they were after all. The town druggies, the skids as the locals had called them. And among this drug fueled fantasy of theirs some hard truths were being faced, one of which was that Roald was madly in love with Stewart but now Stewart was chasing after a girl.
They sat in silence for a second.
‘What do you mean ‘all the time’?‘ Devon then said, finally breaking the awkward moment. ‘I mean, I’ve felt love, just not like, all the time. Well, actually, that might be a lie. I kind of am horny 24/7,’ Devon continued to ramble.
Roald and Stewart let a relaxed laugh out.
‘Dollar store?’ Stewart then asked. It seemed Stewart’s best method of dealing with a potentially awkward or emotional moment was to distract. And what better distraction than one of their favorite hobbies, dancing in public outside the local Dollar Tree . Of course, it was a rather unusual habit but, to a bunch of goths with brains that had been deep fried in drugs, it seemed impressive.
Roald thought that their interpretive dancing would help keep his mind off Stewart but what better time to admire him then when he was dancing semi-rhythmically to the music, showing off his physique through the tragically ungraceful moves.
Through the chaos of the rapid electronic music and heat of the day, Stewart looked good as ever. Others might see his long greasy hair as unattractive and his pale skin a clear indication of his drug abuse, but to Roald, he looked sexy . Simple as that. And not unlike the substances they depended on so loyally, Roald could not get enough of it.
Unfortunately his moment would be ruined than none other than Gae, the woman who Roald now set out to hate because of Stewart’s fascination. She walked through the lot with a kind of pride and dominant pose that made Roald wonder... was Stewart a more submissive type? It was certainly hard to imagine a stubborn and tough leader like Stewart wanting to be controlled by anyone, but nonetheless the thought aroused Roald in the slightest.
‘Hi boys,’ she said, giving a flirty smile at each of them along with a shy wave.
‘H-hey,’ said Stewart, his seemingly rock-hard facade all caving in seamlessly as he struggled to make eye contact with her.
‘You know what, Stewart? I bet if you got off the dope and cleaned up a bit you could be really handsome,’ said Gae suddenly, changing the atmosphere of the once carefree dance session towards a more awkward direction.
‘Oh? Um, really?’ said Stewart shyly.
Once again, Roald was shocked by his shyness. How he wished he could leave Stewart speechless like that. Yet the most he could get from Stewart was the occasional insult.
Now however, it seemed that Gae was almost insulting Stewart. Roald felt an instinct of defensiveness rise in this chest, and wanted to shout out, ‘He’s perfect just like he is!’ But he could not find that strength in that moment. He just really wanted Gae to fuck off.
After some more awkward exchanges between Stewart and Gae, she finally said ‘bye now,’ and headed into the store.
‘God! Why am I like this?’ said Stewart, now feeling an oncoming dysphoria as a result of Gae’s criticism. On top of that, the high was only intensifying these feelings.
‘Stewart, relax, you’re fine,’ came Devon's voice. He had seemed calmest through the entire situation. Lucky him , Roald thought. He has nothing to be upset or jealous about.
Roald then tried to comfort Stewart with a pat that was shrugged off by the resilient leader’s strong shoulder.
‘Not now, Roald,’ he said, clearly still butthurt from a situation that had in reality not been as terrible as it seemed.
‘Stewrt..you... really like her that much?’ came Roald’s voice. Now back in the comfort of the basement, the three boys were lined up on the couch, each with a controller firmly in their grasp. Stewart’s reply was slightly muffled by the joint that hung off his lips, his hands much too occupied with the very important task that was Mario Kart. ‘Yes, Roald. Have I not made it obvious?’
Roald sighed in return.
‘Well, it’s just, I don’t know how to say this,’
Stewart and Devon paused intensely and turned to Roald.
‘I just don’t think she appreciates you the way you appreciate her. I don’t think she- she really loves you,’
‘Oh yeah, Roald? And how do you know that? Can you read her mind, Roald?’ Stewart’s sarcastic replies intimidated Roald, but such remarks were not unusual in their group dynamic. However, Roald knew his assumptions about Gae were right. It was a harsh reality though, and it seemed Stewart was notoriously bad at accepting those.
Stewart seemed almost unable to let his encounter with Gae go. He pondered Roald’s point more than he would like to admit. It was clear that while he was a good fuck, Stewart was far from boyfriend material. At least to Gae’s standards. She wanted someone who was clean, tidy, someone who had a job instead of a debilitating drug addiction. Someone useful . It seemed the more Stewart thought of her criticism, the more his self confidence fell apart.
Caught up in this suddenly overwhelming and self-conscious feeling, Stewart excused himself from the game and went outside for a smoke.
‘Need a light?’ Roald had followed him outside and noticed the struggle he had lighting the cigarette with a years-old lighter that had certainly run out of fluid by now. He extended his hand, lighter flicking to light the end of Stewart’s favorite brand, Number 7.
‘Thanks,’ he mumbled in reply.
‘Stewrt,’ came the familiar call. ‘‘Are you okay?’ Stewart looked so cold and frantic Roald couldn’t help offering him comfort. How badly he wanted to step in and hug him, but he realized they were much too sober for it at the moment.
‘I don’t know, Roald,’ came an honest voice. Was Stewart really going to open up to him?
‘Maybe Gae is right. Maybe you are right too,’ He paused. ‘I really am a useless member of society and nobody will love me for who I am,’ This was so unusual for Stewart, usually master of high ego and confidence even during his most bizarre moments. Roald couldn’t believe how vulnerable he was being.
Regardless, what he said had just pierced a hole in Roald’s heart. You dumb fuck. I love exactly as you are, have for years. How can he say nobody loves him? Roald tried to keep back his feelings as right now was a time to focus and help Stewart, not take advantage of his openness.
‘Stewrt, don’t... don’t say that, it’s not true,’ Roald’s voice squeaked.
‘You know it is, Roald,’ he continued, taking a long drag of his cigarette. ‘All we do is sit inside and smoke and play video games all day. couldn’t even get our band to last more than a couple months. I’m not good at anything, Roald, never have been,’ Please stop , came Roald’s thoughts.
He finally mustered the courage to reply. ‘Will you shut up ? It’s not true, okay? You know me and Devon will always lov- will always be there with you,’ Roald said, with the most confidence he’s ever had. ‘Trust me, somebody loves you,’
Stewart and Roald exchanged a short awkward glance then each focused back to the dark scenery in front of them. Stewart then gave a mischievous smile at Roald.
‘Is that so?’ he said, in an almost teasingly tone.
No way this was happening. Roald felt himself freaking out. Did Stewart know? Was he just playing with his feelings? Or is he just imagining that tone? No one was harder to read than Stewart, and this moment was proving that fact extremely well.
‘Yes,’ he replied, in a shy whisper, now locking eyes with Stewart who had just thrown the but of his cigarette into the gravel road beneath them. Stewart looked like he was reading a difficult book, his eyes darting between Roald’s left and right eye, struggling to stop at just one side.
‘Huh,’ Stewart finally replied. He then turned his body, breaking all the tension at once, to head back inside. ‘Come on Roald, it’s cold as hell,’
What. Just. Happened. Roald was in total shock as they tracked back into the basement, the warmth comforting them from the brutal cold outside. Did he just acknowledge Roald’s love? What does ‘huh’ mean? Is Stewart going to act weird around him now? Fuck. Too many questions circled in Roald’s head as he sat back down on the couch, making sure to be on the opposite end of Stewart.
Stewart pretended to pick up a magazine but Roald could see him eyeing him from the other end of the page. Fuck. Stewart always managed to give Roald the butterflies both in an ‘I love you’ way and in a ‘I’m scared of you’ way. Right now, it was predominantly the latter.
The one-sided staring contest was then brought to a halt by Devon’s entrance from the top of the stairs.
‘Oh finally you guys came back, this race has been waiting,’ he said, pointing to the Playstation , where their race was paused.
Stewart quickly picked up the controller now returning to his neutral demeanor as he distracted himself with the game. Roald too, reclaimed a neutral face but couldn’t help and glance over at Stewart every few minutes or so, trying his hardest to decipher what was going on in the crazy leader’s head.
It wouldn’t be till a few hours later, when they finally tired and came down from their highs, that Roald would get an answer. Devon had left to go sleep at some alleged girl’s house, though he was very short on details and his hasty exit from the basement made them both suspicious.
‘Roald,’ came Stewart’s voice, in a deep tone. The basement was now dark and quiet, as both of them had settled on their respected couch and floor spots for the night.
‘Stewrt?’ he replied in his usual frantic voice.
‘Roald, what... what did you mean?’
‘Huh?’ Roald replied, trying to act dumb.
‘You know what I’m talking about,’ replied Stewart in a rough tone.
‘I... uh. Honestly, just forget about it,’ he said, turning over onto his side.
‘But Roald-‘
‘I was high Stewrt, okay? Just go to sleep, I don’t remember what I said,’
‘ But I do,’
Silence passed. Seconds felt like hours.
The sound of shuffling through sheets broke the silence, and then Roald felt a warm body get closer to him.
‘Roald- is it true?’ he said. Even in the dark, Roald could make out Stewart’s lips. His face was so close to his he could feel his breath.
‘Yes ,’ came the quietest whisper. He felt Stewart’s hand cup his face, then he could make out his glistening eyes.
Then it finally happened. Stewart’s lips met Roald’s, a collision so overdue Roald couldn’t believe it was actually happening.
Roald felt Stewart’s hands go from face to hold his shoulders, pulling his small frame closer to his own. Their lips refused to part as Stewart tugged at Roald’s collar-styled necklace, pulling him teasingly.
‘Fuck me,’ he finally said, Roald’s ears struggling to grasp what he just heard.
‘Stewrt-‘
‘You heard me,’ Stewart said, now taking on a commanding tone.
He didn’t need any more incentive. Stewart’s hands worked to quickly remove Roald’s t-shirt, exposing a thin frame.
‘Leave this on,’ said Stewart, once again grabbing Roald’s collar.
Roald giggled and cracked his mischievous grin, now working his hands up Stewart’s shirt and then slipping a couple shy fingers through the hem of his boxers.
‘I’ve got quite a treat for you,’ said Stewart as Roald pulled his boxers further down.
Stewart wasn’t keen on the false advertising. He was huge . So big that Roald worried how that would ever fit up anyone’s hole, including a woman’s.
‘Like what you see?’
‘Yes, sir’
Roald didn’t waste another second. Quickly he bent over to wrap his mouth around the tip, licking it teasingly before moving further down.
Stewart moaned and it was music to Roald’s ears. He still couldn’t believe this was happening. His eyes traveled upward to where they saw Stewart’s head arched upwards, his eyes closing under the pleasure.
‘Oh god, Roald-‘
Better than any drug he’d ever tried.
Stewart’s left hand took a strong hold of Roald’s curls. The tell-tale sign that his partner was getting closer.
Roald now tried his hardest to take in Stewart’s full length, but it was a real challenge. His mouth watered more as his gag reflex was triggered, but well controlled by the experienced man.
‘Oh fuck, I’m-‘ Before he could complete his sentence, Roald felt the warm sensation in his mouth indicating his partner had reached a climax.
‘Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m, oh my, I’m sorry Roald-‘
‘Shhhhh,’ came Roald’s voice, now calmer and more dominating than ever before.
‘How did it feel?’
‘I don’t know, that was crazy. Amazing. Crazy amazing,’ Stewart said in between his panting.
‘You know I’ll always love you, right?’
‘You’re mine now, so you better,’ said Stewart in reply, grabbing Roald by the collar once again, causing him to let out a soft giggle. He was so turned on by this he could feel a growing hardness trying to break free of his boxers.
‘And we need to take care of that,’ said Stewart, eyeing Roald’s waistline with lust.
They now lay snuggled on the small couch, tightly embraced under the creeping moonlight as they shared their thoughts.
‘How did you know?’ asked Roald.
‘Know what?’
‘That’d you’d like that? You were always so firm about how straight you are- have you forgotten I’m a guy?’ he asked with a light giggle.
There was a brief silence.
‘It just felt right ,’ replied Stewart, gripping Roald a little tighter.
‘How could I have been so stupid? You were right under my nose the whole time. Always there for me. My one true love,’
Roald’s eyes watered. He couldn’t believe it. These words were Stewart’s. And these words were sober , not some crazy drug antic where two boys experiment. It was real . Stewart was his.