Chapter Text
If Edward was a vampire- I could hardly make myself think the words- then what should I do? Involving someone else was definitely out. I couldn’t even believe myself, anyone I told would have me committed.
Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to avoid him as much as possible. But my mind rejected that plan, quickly skipping to the next option: doing nothing different. After all, he’d done nothing to hurt me so far. And when I thought about the two choices, I knew I had my answer. There was really no choice at all.
But then, Edward didn’t come to school the next day. None of his family did. Then they didn’t come to school the next day. I couldn’t even focus on rereading S ense and Sensibility because one of the heroes was named Edward. I snapped the book shut in annoyance and trudged up the stairs for another piece of classic lit. to disappear into. I slipped the book back into its spot on the top shelf and was considering whether I wanted to reread Alcott again or finally go buy some new books when a glance at the bottom shelf made me pause.
There, next to books by Shelly and Silverstein, was Bram Stoker’s Dracula . The cover was probably from the 80’s, featuring a swooning woman leaning back into a pale man’s embrace, his mouth on her neck. It oozed sex appeal. The mouth’s placement near her collarbone, her thin white dress, the hint of a smile on her lips. As if the photographer was trying to say “can you blame her for falling under his spell when he kisses like THAT?” I tried to imagine Edward in that picture, but couldn’t. He was certainly attractive enough, way more my type than the guy on the cover, but I didn’t see him being so… forward. Edward wasn’t innocent exactly, but he had that air to him like the one I got from my stepdad’s Mormon relatives at their wedding. I would be willing to bet that, like them, things like cursing and sex would make him super uncomfortable. And then I had an idea.
I brought Dracula with me to read while I went shopping in Port Angeles with Jessica and Angela. It had been a while since I read it, so I enjoyed skimming it while we waited for our food after dress shopping. I continued reading it the next day, and when I saw that a certain table in the cafeteria was occupied again, I put my plan into action. I put my book on my tray, plopped down into the seat next to Angela, and said “Hey, fun question for the table. Would you fuck a vampire? Yes or no?” From across the cafeteria, I saw three spines stiffen and a head whip around towards me. I continued looking at them as I picked up my water glass. “I vote yes.”
“Ohhh that’s a good question,” Jessica piped up, sitting back in her seat. She twirled her fork around in the air, a piece of salad precariously hanging from a tine, “what are the parameters here? We talking like, classic dracula vampire? Buffy the Vampire slayer-esq? Cuz I would totally do Spike.”
“I thought you were into Angel?” Lauren asked, looking up from her phone.
“I mean, everyone’s into Angel. But Spike’s got that snarky bad-boy with a heart of gold thing going for him that you can’t help but love.”
“I think you must have gotten to a different season than me. But what do you say, Bella,” Angela said, turning to me, “what kind of vampires are included in this thought experiment?”
“I don’t know, I was just thinking generic vampire,” I said shrugging. “You know, practically immortal, super strength, hearing of a bat, and so hot you just want to lick fudge off their abs.” Across the cafeteria I could see the girl with pixie hair (Alice?) seemingly struggling to hold in laughter, her shoulders shaking. The muscular boy wasn’t bothering to try and hide his laughter, he was leaning back in his chair, head thrown back. I couldn’t really see any of their expressions, but I could see Edward, head leaning on one hand, slumping down in his seat. Good.
“I’m with Bella,” Lauren said, tossing her silky blonde hair. “If they’re immortal that means they’ve had centuries to practice. Plus if they’re already dead then they never get tired. I bet he- ” she nodded towards my book cover, “knows exactly how to keep it going ALLL night. Sleep with the bloodsucker all the way.”
“What’s going on ladies?” Tyler asked as he and Mike joined the table. I subtly slid my backpack on the chair next to me, so Tyler had to sit by Lauren instead of me. She visibly preened as he joined her.
“Hey, guys!” Jess said, looking up. She had pulled out her planner and was drawing a pro/con list in one of the back pages. “We’re just doing a thought experiment. Would you have sex with a vampire if the opportunity came up?”
“Do lady vampires exist in this scenario?” Mike asked, opening a bag of chips and popping one in his mouth, “cus no offense to Dracula, but he’s not really my type.”
“I don’t see why not,” Jessica said, quickly looking at me for confirmation. I nodded. “So would you do it?”
“No way,” Tyler said shaking his head with a shudder, “Like what if there were teeth or something DOWN THERE?”
“That’s not a thing,” Lauren said, wacking his arm with the back of her hand.
“It is a thing,” he protested, “I’ve heard about it in like, folk stories and shit. It’s just as likely as having sex with a vampire.” Across the cafeteria, the boy who had laughed so hard leaned over to talk to the blonde girl sitting next to him (are they the two Jessica said were dating?). She was leaned back, presumably inspecting her nails, but seemingly she said something witty in response. The way her boyfriend’s wide grin became visible from this side of the cafeteria and how deeply Edward seemed to sink into his seat made me think it was some kind of innuendo.
“So have sex with one of the hunky male vampires then,” Luren said impatiently, “Or like, don’t go to fourth base.”
“I’m not into anal,” Tyler said with a shrug. “And third base comes with the same problem, doesn’t it? Can you blame me for trying to avoid a situation where someone might bite my dick off?”
“Tyler brings up an excellent point,” Jessica said, punctuating the air with her pencil. “Not with the dick biting thing, because, well ew,” she wrinkled her nose, “but vampires do have fangs. Could that influence the experience?”
“It would probably make frenching more tricky,” Lauren admitted, nodding.
“Ugh, I hate to admit it, but I think I might have to agree with Tyler,” Angela said with a sigh. “Like I don’t have anything against the sex part, but like, if you can’t trust their mouth then it kinda ruins the foreplay. And sex without foreplay- like what’s the point?”
“Oh come on, foreplay isn’t that important for sex,” Mike said.
Jessica, Angela, Lauren, and I looked at him. Tyler looked down, eyebrows raised and lips pressed together. Mike froze in the process of eating a chip, clearly confused by the sudden attention.
Then Jess turned back to Angela. “I think that depends on the assumption that their fangs are out all the time. We can’t ignore the idea that maybe they’re retractable or something.”
“Like the vampire face in Buffy?” Mike asked, rolling his eyes, “ugh, that show was so campy.”
“Yeah, something like that,” I cut in, since Jessica seemed to be having some kind of fit of rage. “If the fangs only come out on command then kissing -- or whatever kind of mouth action -- can be done relatively pain-free.”
“Unless they decide they want to drink your blood,” Angela said, looking at her watch and starting to get her things together. I checked my phone. Lunch was over in a few minutes.
“They might not,” Jess argued, “Maybe they’re just in it for the sex.”
“And what, they just promise not to drink your blood afterwards?” Tyler said skeptically.
“Okay, so clearly Tyler has some trust issues he needs to work on-”
“For not wanting to fuck a vampire? It’s a VAMPIRE Jess! They could kill me!”
“So could I,” I said mildly, ignoring the varied shocked and confused looks that were sent my way. “So could a car. Or a very dedicated duck. Vampires aren’t special because they can kill you, just in the way they do it. At least in this situation, it would probably be fast, and you’d be riding that sex hormone high to the end.”
There was a moment of quiet before Lauren spoke again. “So then the question really comes down to whether it’s worth the risk. Best night of your life in exchange for a brush with death.”
It was at that moment that the first bell rang. Angela, Lauren, and Tyler got to leave first since they had further to walk to their class, but Jess lagged behind to continue arguing with Mike.
“It’s three on three Jess. Tyler, Angela, and I say no, you, Bella, and Lauren say yes. You’re not going to change my mind, so find someone else to be your tiebreaker.”
“Don’t be ridiculous Mike, I’m not going to --”
“How about you guys?” I said, turning to the table we had just reached. Mike and Jessica froze, not sure how the Cullens would react to me approaching them. Alice had quickly plastered a look of confused interest on her face, and the curly-haired boy sitting next to her seemed to be trying to do the same through twitching lips. The muscular boy, in contrast, had a huge grin on his face, though the blonde beauty next to him remained expressionless as she looked at me. Edward looked up with an expression that could only be described as pained. I ignored him as I continued, “Vampire sex- allegedly the best fucking experience you’ll ever have, but there’s a chance it’ll be the last experience you ever have. Worth the risk? We need a tie-breaker for our argument, so do you have any thoughts? What about you lab-buddy?” I smiled placidly at him.
Edward looked down and muttered something about not really having any thoughts on the subject. Instead, it was Rosalie who spoke up, the hint of a smile on her lips, “There’s a reason la petite mort is another word for an orgasm, isn’t there?”
Edward’s head snapped up, “That doesn’t actually answer their question Rosalie, and --”
“I was getting to it if you’d let me finish-”
“-Sounds rather hypocritical considering what you told me last week--”
“You know,” Alice said thoughtfully over her siblings’ muttered argument, “I think if you live your life trying to avoid death, you risk never really living , you know?”
“So, you’d say yes, because YOLO?” Mike asked, with a nervous attempt at a joke.
Alice smiled back at him. “More or less. I mean there are definitely some risks you can avoid or mitigate through foresight and proper planning. In this case, you know it’s a vampire you are getting close to, so presumably this isn’t some one-night-stand situation.”
“And if you know them well, then you know you can trust them not to kill you,” I said, looking at Edward.
“True, or at least you can prepare to either defend yourself or have someone else avenge you should things go badly,” she responded, with a grin. Standing she said, “We should probably go, class will start soon. Nice talking with you guys!”
I smiled back, then turned to Jessica and Mike. “Let’s go guys.” I looked back over my shoulder as I walked away, catching Edward’s eyes. “See you in class, Edward.” Then to strike one last blow, I winked at him.
I walked on air the rest of the way to the science lab, relishing the memory of the expression frozen on his face as I turned away, his siblings’ laughter serenading me as I walked away.