Chapter Text
As her toes get nearer to the edge, her breathing quickens, causing her heart to hammer in her chest.
She can feel the tears building at her eyes, fogging her sight. She needs to think – and see – clearly, so she blinks twice, a couple of stray tears falling down her cheeks.
Her hand reaches up and runs through her matted hair. Now that she thinks about it, it’s not been brushed – or washed – since Friday. She hasn’t left her apartment since then so there’s been no reason for her to shower or dress presentably.
Her outfit over the weekend hasn’t changed, she’s had on the same grey sweatpants and hoodie for the past three days.
Beca looks down at her feet, staring as they get closer to the edge of the balcony. She’s six floors up so it's quite a journey down. Her landing will definitely not be pleasant.
She grips harder onto the railing with her right hand, shuffling her entire body forwards slightly.
The fight or flight response kicks in and causes adrenaline to run through her blood, and she’s more alert than she’s been all week. The lack of sleep and hours of crying adds to her exhaustion. But right now, in this moment, she’s awake. More awake than she’s felt in months.
As she looks down at the city below her, the lights illuminate and shine upwards, some of them nearly blinding her if she stares at them for too long. The city around her is so full of colour and people, yet this is the most alone she’s ever felt.
Should she fight it?
The pain isn't going anywhere, but it’s been here for months and everyday she’s breathed through it, granted some of those days have been spent curled up in bed with a bottle of whiskey, but no matter what, she’s gotten through it, because she has to...right?
The pain is almost unbearable, and every day it exhausts her even more, ripping parts of her away. Soon there will be nothing left. But she has to get through this, she has to fight with every bone in her body until she's consumed entirely by her feelings.
Beca is not one to give up, she’s stubborn as hell and that explains why she hasn’t reached out to anyone for help, but there is no way she’s giving in, she can’t do that – she won’t. Because giving in – giving up – is exactly what everyone else that has ever entered her life has done. Everyone has given up on her. Her Dad. Her Mom. Jesse.
And Chloe.
Even Chloe gave up on her. The girl who forced her way into Beca’s life and tore down her walls that she spent years building up. She promised she was here to stay, promised that she would never leave as long as Beca wanted her there.
‘Forever, Becs. What we have is forever. I’m not going anywhere.’
Beca lifts her hand to her chest, pulling on the chain from around her neck. Her eyes drop to the ring hanging from the silver chain and her breath hitches in her throat. She can feel the sob building up in her chest but keeps shoving it down.
It’s a simple platinum band, with the words 'B&C' engraved in the metal along with a small heart and 'forever'. Not so long ago the ring was gifted to Beca as a promise ring – a promise that what they had really was forever, that Chloe loved her and was willing to love and care for her until the end of time.
Beca had given one to Chloe in return, a titanium ring with similar engravings, instead of ‘forever’ the word ‘always’ was carved onto the metal band.
Her hand is a little shaky as she lifts the ring to her lips, but proceeds to still her hand, then press a gentle kiss to the ring, wishing more than anything that a certain soft pair of lips were meeting hers.
“Forever my ass.” Beca mumbles as the ring slips from her grip. Her voice is a little hoarse because she hasn’t spoken a single word in days. She has no one to talk to so there is no reason to, but the roughness to her voice shocks her a little and it sends a sharp spike to her throat.
So fighting is the only option Beca has.
Unless she flees. Simply run from her feelings and allow the pain to overcome her.
She holds her breath as her gaze drops to the ground of the city below her. It’s dark but the sky is lit with stars and the city lights are glowing. It’s kind of beautiful. Beca hasn’t seen anything she considers ‘beautiful’ in a very long time – not since she left New York, so the sights surrounding her are spectacular.
Her body is overcome with the thrill of being so close to the edge – her heart is beating fast, blood pulsating through her veins at an extraordinary rate.
She reminds herself that this is what it feels like.
This is what it feels like to be alive.
There is no reason for her existence, she has no purpose and no one that cares. The name ‘Beca Mitchell’ doesn’t mean anything to anyone, except the coffee shop across the street – the barista knows ‘Mitchell’s order off the top of their head.
But if she were to kill herself it would only cause more problems.
She couldn’t do that to her dad, even though she hasn’t seen or spoken to him in months – not since thanksgiving and that was left on an argument. But he’d feel guilty and she doesn’t want that.
Beca doesn’t want other people to feel guilty for her actions. The last thing she wants to do is pass on her shitty feelings to someone else. And taking her own life would do just that.
It's easier this way, not for her, but for other people. They don’t have to worry about her if she puts up a front and forces a smile onto her face, but if she kills herself, they’ll only blame themselves.
Beca knows nobody cares but she also knows the Bellas well enough to know that they’ll feel guilty and regret not helping her out.
But Beca doesn’t want help, she tells herself that she doesn't need it.
If she just continues with her life the same way she’s been going about it for months then that’s better for everyone, right? Just pretending that she hasn’t got a problem, pretending that everything is fine.
So Beca makes up her mind. She isn’t going to end it, at least not tonight.
She releases her grip on the balcony railing after taking a few steps backwards.
Her heart is slowly steadying but she still feels so high on adrenaline.
The balcony glass door closes behind her, but she doesn’t bother to lock it, there’s still a part of her that’s sure tonight is as good as any – she’s going to end it at some point, so why not tonight?
It quickly drifts from her mind when she picks up an unopened bottle of whiskey from the mantelpiece, unscrewing the lid instantly, and lifting the bottle to her lips.
This is how Beca’s evenings are now – contemplate suicide then drink until she passes out.
As she slumps back onto the bed, silence runs through the apartment.
Even the clock has stopped making a noise – Beca got annoyed at the constant Tick Tock so she removed the batteries.
The silence is almost deafening.
It’s blatantly obvious that Beca is so fucking unhappy when she can’t even listen to music anymore.
Music makes her feel. Something that is too damn painful to experience these days, so she allows the numbness to consume her.
Maybe that's worse, but not feeling means not dwelling on the past.
Beca still thinks about it every day – how could she not? But she doesn’t allow it to hurt her anymore. Some days are different, the pain manages to break through, and it physically breaks her. She’s forced to feel everything at once, overwhelmed with the concoction of emotions.
On those days, Beca has to fight harder than ever, but sometimes more often than not, the pain wins. When that happens, she turns to other methods of coping – surviving.
Existence is simply a battle of suffering, fighting the pain until you come out stronger. But that isn’t always the case – sometimes the pain wins.
So Beca does anything she can to stop (or at least prolong) the pain, giving in to the numbness that takes over her whole body. Taking away the pain means ridding Beca of her only remaining emotions, simply leaving her empty.
Feelings have never been her strong point, but once upon a time she allowed herself to feel – to love. The love she felt was sudden, and frightened the hell out of her at first, but she slowly let the walls around her crumble, allowing someone to step into her bubble.
But then she got it thrown back in her face, her heart shattered to pieces in the hands of Chloe Beale.