Chapter Text
Phil was running late and his coffee was going to go cold.
This wasn’t anything new, the two of them meeting in the small cafe across the street from their flat. But today Dan had received an urgent “SOS” text from Phil, followed by a string of panicked emojis and then, “i’ll be there in five. have coffee ready.” Dan pulled out his phone to check the time of that last text, only to see the man in question come through the door and throw himself down into the seat across from Dan with an exaggerated sigh.
“That good, mate?”
“Hmph,” is all Phil can muster in response, his arms folded defensively across his chest, brows knit tightly together, and his normally cheerful smile turned decidedly upside down.
Dan quirks a brow; more amused now than anything. Admittedly, Phil has a habit of exaggerating. And if this truly were anything tragic the dramatics would be less… dramatic. He pushes Phil’s drink towards him with a smirk, then leans back with his own and takes a long sip, content enough to wait out the tantrum his best friend is throwing across from him.
Phil sighs again, but quieter, and the resignation begins to thaw his posture as he relaxes back into the couch, uncrosses his arms, and brings his hands up to cover his face. “S’not fair,” he mumbles into his palms.
“Need to be a bit more specific, mate, if you want my help.”
When Phil removes his hands, Dan notes that his brows are still knit together, but the frown has at least been replaced by a much more adorable pout.
Dan takes a deep breath, catches himself before spiraling down that rabbit hole, and cocks his head to the side.
Just as Phil is about to open his mouth, the door to the cafe flies open once more, causing several startled patrons to turn their heads. Dan glances over his shoulder at the woman storming through the shop directly to their table. Glowering, really. Her blue eyes may as well be shooting bolts of fire for all the fury aimed in their direction. Dan’s pretty sure he hasn’t done anything to warrant her ire, but he shrinks in on himself anyway, knowing from experience that you don’t want to be on the receiving end of whatever she’s dishing, and regretting whatever life choice led him to this moment. He watches carefully as she blows harshly at the brown fringe that’s fallen across her face, somehow managing not to lose eye contact. Eye contact, Dan now realizes, that’s aimed directly at Phil. He glances carefully back and forth between the two of them
“You!” She points at Phil, and Dan thinks that maybe he was wrong to think this wasn’t a tragic situation to begin with.
“Whatever you did to her, don’t bring me into it,” he mutters under his breath.
Phil’s frozen in his spot. The soft groan he utters in reply is the only indication that he’s heard Dan.
Dan watches as she comes to stand over him. Her five foot three frame somehow looming large above Phil, forcing him to look up with wide eyes.
She hasn’t even acknowledged Dan’s presence, not that he’s complaining.
“You had no right to get up in my business like that,” she all but growls at him.
Phil raises his hands in surrender and frantically shakes his head. “I know you’re mad, but that’s not what… I didn’t exactly…” Phil stammers, unable to get the words out. Cara’s eyebrows raise expectantly, clearly unimpressed.
Dance jumps slightly as she forcefully throws the pamphlet down onto the coffee table. He recovers just quickly enough to catch a glimpse of the front before Phil picks it up.
“Do I want to know what ‘Brighton Couple’s Retreat’ is?” Dan asks, glancing back and forth between the two of them, his curiosity surpassing his inclination to remain out of the line of fire.
He manages to meet Phil’s eyes for a brief moment, but Cara ignores him completely, instead continuing to stare Phil down with her impressively unwavering glare.
“I didn’t tell her to do that,” Phil finally gets out, looking back at Cara. “I just suggested that maybe the two of you needed to get away for a weekend. Y’know, like on holiday or something.”
“Yeah, well, this,” Cara waves at the pamphlet still hanging loosely between Phil’s fingers, “is what came out of it. And since you started it, you’re going to fix it.”
“How am I meant to do that?” Phil’s eyes go comically wide, and at this point Dan’s somewhere between fully amused, scared shitless.
She shrugs, relaxing her stance slightly and crossing her arms over her chest. “Let’s put it this way. If I have to go, you have to go.”
“I, uh, I think the point of the retreat is for you to go with Naomi.”
“Dimwit, I think she knows that,” Dan chimes in helpfully.
“Well, I reckon they don’t allow many singles to go on a couple’s retreat.” Phil’s trying, Dan has to give him credit. But even he can see where this is going. And Cara clearly isn’t amused by the ‘Mr. Oblivious’ act.
“Not bloody likely. You’re right. So, good news. You and your “partner” are coming along for the experience, Phil. Isn’t that lovely?” Cara’s mouth curls up into a satisfied smirk.. “It will be an experience to be had by all. Cleansing our souls, working on our communication, strengthening our relationships. All in a romantic seaside setting on the grounds of a former school in Brighton.”
“I, uh, my partner?”
“Figure it out,” Cara spat out slowly as she turned and walked over to the counter.
“Let me see that,” Dan grabbed the pamphlet from Phil’s hand after Cara walked away. “Oh, look, couple’s yoga, romantic garden walks…”
Dan snickered as Phil rolled his eyes. “Shut up. What am I s’posed to do?”
“Could be fun,” Dan shrugged.
“Dan. I don’t have anyone to go with. I’m not a couple.”
“So ask Drew,” Cara suggested as she returned to their corner, coffee in hand. She settled calmly into the seat next to Dan. “Didn’t you say he turned you into a fake boyfriend at some family thing a few months back? Now you can ask him to return the favor.”
Dan frowned at the mention of Phil’s fuck toy, as he liked to refer to him. It’s not that he didn’t like Drew. Drew was easy going and friendly enough, and Dan had seen him wandering around their flat without a shirt on, enough to know that he had a certain physical appeal. And from the sounds that came through their thin walls on nights when he’d stay over, Dan was certain that he and Phil had a very specific “compatibility” as well. But Dan hated the thought of Phil pretending to be anything more than “friends with benefits” with the guy, for lack of a better term. It sounded like the setup of a bad romcom.
Dan watched Phil gnaw at his bottom lip. “I could…” he said hesitantly.
“Christ, I hope you were more convincing than that at the birthday party,” Dan scoffed.
Phil frowned and took the pamphlet back from Dan. “What would we even say we’re there for? Like, do we need a reason?”
“Why no, Dr. Howell, our sexual intercourse activities are entirely satisfying and we have compatible interests and inclinations in such intimate situations. Our problems are definitely not between the sheets,” Dan joked, using his worst Phil impression.
“Oh my God, fuck off, Dan. I”m not saying that. And I definitely don’t sound like that.”
“And thank fuck you’re not the therapist,” Cara added, obviously horrified by the thought.
“I’d make a good therapist, I’ll have you know.”
Cara snickered. “Tell yourself that, mate. But if you want a career change, warn me. I need you on my marketing team. It pains me to admit, but you’re the best social media marketing manager I’ve ever had.”
“He’s the only social marketing media person you’ve ever had. Is that even a real thing, or did you make it up just to give him a job?”
“Hey!” Dan reached over and shoved Phil’s arm. “It’s a real job, thank you very much, and stop deflecting. This is about you, not me.”
He knew Phil was joking, of course. After all, it was really all because of Phil that he even had the job to begin with. Dan sometimes forgot that Cara and Phil had been childhood friends who’d found each other again years later when they both ended up in London. Cara, at the time, had just started a small charity foundation designed to support young LGBT+ youths in the city, specifically those with physical or emotional trauma. As her work grew, she finally realized that she needed to hire some help. But she was afraid of raising her overhead costs, unwilling to compromise any of the funds that needed to go back to the at risk youths. So Phil had introduced her to Dan, who had moved to the city less than six months earlier, and it turned out to be a perfect fit. The social media work that Dan did more than compensated for the increased administrative costs, and the charity was flourishing, healthier than ever.
Phil groaned and sunk his head back into his hands, pulling Dan’s thoughts back to the issue at hand. “I don’t want to go with Drew. I don’t want to lead him on.”
“Then why are you still sleeping with him?” Dan asked cautiously. This was a topic he tended to avoid, filing it under the ‘none of his business’ category.
Phil shrugged, “Dunno. He’s…”
“Aw, c’mon. I don’t want to hear about your sex life,” Cara interrupted quickly. “Look. I called the place after Naomi made our reservation, and they said there are spots for two more couples. So, you’re calling tonight, or I’m calling for you first thing in the morning. With your credit card.”
Panic flashed across Phil’s face. “How much does it even cost? Aren’t these things like, hugely expensive?”
“Not my problem,” Cara sang as she stood up. “Alright boys, that’s all the time I have for this evening. I have a charity to run, an environmental rally to plan, a pitch to work on for funding for the new offshoot and apparently a girlfriend that I’m neglecting. So, no more time for you lot. See you at work tomorrow, Dan.” She pinned one last smile across her face as she glanced over her shoulder to Phil. “Figure it out. Tonight.” And with that, Dan watched her walk out the door.
“Well, you’re screwed, mate.”
“What the fuck, Dan. I can’t take Drew. I mean, I’ll have to, obviously. But what if I’m just leading him on?.”
Dan nodded quietly. He had a thought forming inside his head. A very poorly thought out thought, to be sure, but a thought nonetheless. It was a bad idea, and he wasn’t going to suggest it. He wasn’t.
Phil curled his legs up in front of his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He groaned loudly into his knees, then pulled out his phone and started scrolling through the numbers.
“Don’t.”
“Huh?” he looked up at Dan, finger hovering dangerously over the call button.
“I’ll do it.”
“You’re… gonna call Drew for me?” Phil asked, confusion written across his face.
“No, you dumbfuck. I’ll go with you. I’ll be your boyfriend.”
Dan watched as the realization dawned on Phil. “You want to be my boyfriend?” he asked, shock clearly etched across his face.
“Well, I mean, if I do it then you won’t have to ask Drew. That’s better, right?” Dan shrugged, trying desperately to play off the no big deal aspect of the whole thing.
“Are you sure?” Phil asked cautiously, “we may have to, like, talk about feelings and our relationship and stuff.”
Dan sighed. This was a bad idea. He knew it. Phil knew it. And yet, despite the posturing, he was pretty sure they both also knew this is exactly what was going to happen now that it was out there. “I mean, how hard can it be? We can tell them stuff honestly for the most part. We’ll just add in the romantic bits and the in love part.”
Phil nodded. “What if they ask about like, sex and stuff? And like, do we have to pretend to fight all the time? Why do we tell them we’re there?”
“I’m pretty sure fighting isn’t a prerequisite. Naomi and Cara don’t fight. So, like, I don’t think we have to pretend to argue all the time. We can just tell them we don’t have enough spice in our relationship.” Dan waggled his eyebrows.
“I’m not talking about intimacy issues at a couples retreat with my fake boyfriend slash best platonic friend.”
It may be true enough, but Phil throwing in the word ‘platonic’ stung a bit. But Dan was determined to leave that thought well and truly buried, so he shrugged it off, folded his arms across his chest and settled back into the couch. “Well, then you can take Drew and explain that the sex is good, but you don’t know if you’re in love with him as much as he’s in love with you. Maybe you’ll come out of it with a real boyfriend.”
“Obviously not. Fine. You can be my fake boyfriend. Now, c’mon. Let’s go back to the flat.”