Chapter Text
Zen didn’t know what he was doing here. He wasn’t in the football club, nor was he performing, but he got dragged into yet another behind the scenes situation. He was helping them set up for Saifah and Zon’s first performance by moving the heavy boxes for them to sit on. He wasn't a part of this, but he was the one doing the most work as usual. Natee approached him once in a while to make a cheesy joke and as much as Zen wanted to be mad at him for making him do the work, he couldn’t help but laugh as Natee threw stupid guitar-related pick-up lines at him. He could feel his heart glow a little because he loved the people who surrounded him, although he would never admit that out loud. But as he looked around, his heart gradually stopped glowing. He didn’t know why the sight of Sai holding Zon’s hand in his own in an attempt to warm them caused his heartstrings to twist. He was no stranger to physical affection; his friend-group had more homoerotic energy than most, so it shouldn’t have felt out of place. But Zen couldn't help but feel jealous at how Zon looked at the taller boy as if there was no one else in the world. And he didn’t want to think about why he felt that way.
He wasn’t an idiot. Deep down, he knew why this hurt. But he had spent so much effort trying not to think about it, and that was getting harder by the second. Especially since Zon’s entire life seemed to revolve around Saifah now.
Zen didn’t realize that he was staring until Natee shoved a guitar in his back. He dropped the donation box in his hand, causing it to burst open. Zen turned around to give Natee his signature I-am-incredibly-annoyed-at-you glare. He perfected it from hours of usage because his friends have way too much energy and he had no time for their bullshit. Natee was the most common recipient of Zen’s signature glare and he didn’t even look the slightest bit apologetic. He gave Zen the biggest smile and the most exaggerated air kiss. Zen pretended to smack the kiss out of the air, because he couldn’t help but play along with Tee even when he annoyed at Zen. He bent down to pick up the donation box and Tee picked up the lid and put it on the box. He pinched Zen’s chin and teasingly said, “I caught you red-handed babe."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Natee pushed Zen playfully. "I saw you staring at Zon with a look of yearning. Are you upset because ZenZon is crumbling? Sai is cute but you two were better together.”
Zen’s expression stayed annoyed. “Shut up, asshole. ZenZon was never a thing and you’re being annoying as usual.” He smacked Tee’s hand away and mustered his most annoyed look to mask his hurt. But Natee had known Zen for years and couldn't let it slide. He could see that his friend was actually hurt.
Natee put his hand on Zen's shoulder and said, “Really though Zen, the whole ZenZon thing didn’t come out of nowhere and we both know that. I know you, and I can see that you’re hung up on him.”
Zen tried his hardest not to let his hurt show. “I don’t fucking like Zon???” Natee raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “I don’t want to talk about it,” Zen said. He hoped the conversation would end. He didn’t let himself think about his feelings for Zon and what that meant. He didn’t let himself think about the fact that none of the girls he’s kissed made him feel excited. Not the way he felt when Zon looked into his eyes and smiled his soft smile, dimples and all. He didn’t let himself think about how Zon is the reason he gets out of bed every day and goes to school.
He's thinking about it now. And he hated it.
Natee saw the shift in his best friend’s expression and decided to drop the subject. “Hey. I’m sorry for being pushy. But if you want to talk about this at some point, I’m here okay?” Zen let the conversation end in a nod.
Zen was glad that Natee let the conversation end. His friend might seem pushy and annoying, but he still kept boundaries where it mattered.
And boundaries mattered right now. Because Zen lived in a state of denial for months, pushing down every single thought he had about his feelings for Zon. And he didn't even want to think about his sexuality. But he couldn’t keep it up, not when he was forced to confront the heartbreak he didn’t want.
Seeing Zon and Saifah perform together was like getting run over slowly by a truck. It hurt like an excruciatingly slow death and Zen could almost feel his bones being crushed into a fine powder and his blood vessels popping one by one. The way Saifah looked at Zon to comfort him and the way Zon looked at Saifah for reassurance made his blood simmer with jealousy. And it was as if the universe was telling him in big bold letters that he liked men, and more importantly, that he was in love with his best friend.
He knew he couldn’t do anything about Zon. Zon loved Saifah and that was clear as day. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Zen went home as soon as he could and spent the evening crying into his pillow.