Work Text:
EB: karkat! i really wish you would take this seriously!
CG: LOOK, JOHN, IF YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT IS THIS IMPORTANT TO YOU, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING TRY HARDER.
CG: YOU COULD EVEN, I DON’T KNOW, TRY TELLING ME SOMETHING THAT’S ACTUALLY FUCKING PLAUSIBLE.
EB: this isn’t a prank, karkat! she tied me to a chair and there was a noose in her hands!
EB: i thought i was going to die!!
EB: again!
CG: THAT IS A COMPLETELY REDUNDANT ADDENDUM, AS IF I HAVE NOT PERSONALLY WATCHED EACH AND EVERY TIME YOU PROVE JUST HOW MUCH OF A NOOKSNIFFING FAILURE YOU ARE BY THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN STAY DEAD
CG: THOUGH
CG: I AM ACTUALLY SORT OF REALLY FUCKING GRATEFUL TO HAVE YOU AROUND STILL
CG: AND NOT DEAD
CG: I GUESS.
CG: FINE.
CG: LET’S GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND.
CG: WE CAN PRETEND THAT I AM ACTUALLY GOING ALONG WITH THIS FAIRY TALE.
CG: WHAT KIND OF ASININE CHARGES WAS SHE ACCUSING YOU OF?
EB: um…
EB: well
EB: stuff.
CG: THAT’S PRETTY CONVINCING.
CG: I AM SO THOROUGHLY SWAYED BY YOUR ARTICULATE DESCRIPTIONS.
CG: YOU COULD JOIN THE OBLIDERADEBATE LEAUGES WITH SUCH WELL-THOUGHT PRESENTATIONS.
EB: karkat!
EB: it’s embarrassing!
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO PULL THIS PRANK, DEAL WITH IT.
EB: i really wish you would believe me.
EB: it kind of hurts a lot that you don’t!
EB: :C
EB: karkat?
EB: are you still there?
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, PAST ME IS SUCH A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE, YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD EVENTUALLY LEARN, BUT NO, HE IS ALWAYS JUST THIS GRUBMUNCHING CHUMPASS.
CG: LOOK, I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU.
CG: I AM ALWAYS SAYING THE WRONG THINGS AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU PUT UP WITH IT.
CG: WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I AM TRYING TO APOLOGIZE.
CG: I’M JUST KIND OF SKEPTICAL BECAUSE I CAN’T FATHOM ANY REASON SHE WOULD WANT TO DRAG YOU INTO HER DUMB GAMES FOR GIRLS.
CG: I COULD SEE VRISKA TRYING TO GET YOU TO PLAY PIRATES WITH HER OR SOMETHING.
CG: BUT WHY DID TEREZI WANT YOU IN HER IDIOT COURTROOM DRAMA?
EB: hehehe. you are so easy to fluster. :)
CG: FUCK YOU.
EB: it’s okay. i know you and her are close!
EB: maybe that’s part of it??
EB: she said i was on trial to determine if i was, uh…
EB: oh jeez, maybe i shouldn’t be talking to you about this!
EB: not just because it is embarrassing, either!
CG: LOOK, IF SHE HAD HER TONGUE ALL OVER YOU, I UNDERSTAND IT’S INVASIVE AND CREEPY BUT I’M NOT GOING TO JUDGE.
CG: YOU CAN TELL ME.
EB: karkat!!
EB: wow, now i’m even more embarrassed!
CG: WAIT
CG: WHAT
CG: SHIT
CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
EB: whatever, dude.
EB: i guess since i already started telling you, i’ll say the rest.
EB: because you’ll just try to troll me until i tell you, otherwise.
CG: DAMN RIGHT.
EB: and you’re not very good at it.
CG: YOU WOULDN’T KNOW GOOD TROLLING IF IT KICKED YOU IN THE SHAME GLOBES.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: FUCKING STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME.
CG: I SEE THROUGH YOUR PITIFUL RUSE.
EB: oh man, you totally caught me! hehehe.
EB: the thing is, she started out with charges that sounded kind of normal!
EB: i mean, they weren’t things i was doing. but they were legitimate crimes! not silly phony made up crimes.
EB: she went on about theft and political conspiracy and some stuff about power plays.
CG: DID YOU PLEAD NOT GUILTY?
EB: duh!!
EB: and then she drubbed me with her cane!
EB: and said if i wasn’t willing to own up to my crimes then i didn’t deserve to keep the spoils of war.
EB: actually she… kept talking about plundering and raiding…
EB: it got a little creepy. and uncomfortable.
EB: karkat, i don’t think of you as a village to plunder!
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL INCREDIBLE FUCK.
EB: and i value you as my equal and co-palhoncho! and i wouldn’t ever try to undermine your authority, or… or use stuff like… romantic stuff… to make you do things i wanted you to do!
CG: STOP.
EB: and i just want us to be friendleaders together! even if sometimes i tell you to stop yelling at everybody, i think it’s really great the way you get so worked up because you care so much!
CG: STOP.
CG: JUST
CG: STOP.
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: YOU WERE RIGHT, THIS IS DISGUSTINGLY EMBARRASSING.
CG: PLEASE NEVER TALK ABOUT TEREZI FANTASIZING ABOUT YOU MANIPULATING ME BY USING SEX EVER AGAIN.
CG: IF NOTHING ELSE, THE IDEA IS SO IMPROBABLE IT’S LAUGHABLE.
EB: hey! i could totally manipulate you by being sexy. i have a lot of mangrit.
EB: and vriska gave me some tips on how to be sexy.
EB: SEXY WINK ;)
CG: PLEASE.
CG: WHATEVER PITIFUL HUMAN SEX ORGANS YOU HAVE, I AM SURE THAT THEY ARE DUMB AND INFERIOR TO MY TOTALLY AWESOME TROLL BULGE.
EB: you wish!
EB: ugh… did we seriously start having a dick measuring contest?
EB: is that really a thing that’s happening here?
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DICK MEASURING CONTEST?
CG: NO, WAIT. DON’T TELL ME.
CG: THE PART OF MY THINK PAN THAT CAN COPE WITH DUMB HUMAN IDIOTS IS FUCKING DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT.
EB: haha, you’re not even a little curious?
CG: NO.
CG: MAYBE.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: I REFUSE TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION THAT IT IS NOT COMPLETELY AWFUL, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE FROM YOUR SHITTY UNIVERSE.
CG: AND I WILL NOT BE LURED INTO YOUR TRANSPARENT PRANKING SETUP.
CG: YOU STUPID FUCKING SACK OF EXCREMENT.
CG: I DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOUR MORONIC HUMAN IDIOMATIC PHRASING MEANS, NOR AM I AT ALL INTERESTED IN LEARNING.
CG: LOOK
CG: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ANY OF THAT
CG: BUT
CG: ARE YOU AT YOUR RESPITEBLOCK?
EB: (hehehe)