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He woke up slowly. He let the sunlight caress his face. He doesn’t look forward to waking up anymore, and he doesn’t look forward to going to bed either.
He sits up and lazily looks at his tired reflection in the window. He snarls at it. Just the mere sight of it makes him want to bury himself under the covers again. His heart feels empty and he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He can feel the sensitive skin on his neck from the night before. Sex doesn’t give him anything anymore. One night stands means less than nothing to him. He wants the day to end already, but he knows that this type of thinking won’t solve anything.
He opens his drawer of the bedside table and picks up a small, empty bottle. He glares at its emptiness. The absence of pills. He mutters a soft curse and throws it in the trash bin. After all the trouble he went through to get them.
He runs a hand through his hair and prepares to properly greet this god awful day. He stands up and tiredly shuffles to his wardrobe. He picks out some clothes. Dungarees and a pastel yellow crop sweater. He glances at the mirror at the inside of the wardrobe door. He makes a small face of disgust and gives his reflection the finger. Somehow the reflection gives it back with more menace than he himself had done. He rolls his eyes and walks to his kitchen while going through his to-do list.
‘ I need to get more medication. I got money yesterday so it should be fine… I should probably check out the library too. ’
He opened the fridge and sighed.
‘ Put grocery shopping on that list too… ’
He decided to just make a proper, good cup of coffee. That would have to suffice for breakfast. He didn’t bother to check the time. The time of the day didn’t matter. The day was doomed to be shitty no matter what time it was.
After finishing the coffee he put on his shoes, grabbed his wallet and left his apartment. He locked the door and looked at the semi-fake name on the mailbox. He ran a finger over the letters, then scoffed and put his keys and hands in his pockets.
He walked out and looked around. A shitty day in a shitty neighbourhood.
He looked back at the building.
‘ Not so shitty neighbours though... ‘
He allowed himself a small smile. He remembered his role. This is a new start, more or less. Gotham wasn’t the city of hopes and dreams exactly, but it was where he was and he’d have to make due. He can turn his life around. He can create a new persona of sorts.
But does he want to?
He walked around the neighbourhood. The streets were calm so it must have been pretty early, he figured.
‘ Pharmacy then. Maybe there’s still time. ’
He kept walking until he reached a pharmacy. It was pretty dead. Aside from the workers and a few old people there were no people there that he could see. He grabbed a queue ticket anyways. ‘003’
His turn came immediately.
“Hello. Ahm… I need to take out more medication…”
He cursed himself for how shy he acted. Old habits die hard.
“ID” the tired old pharmacist demanded and held out her hand.
“Right....” he started fumbling with his wallet trying to find his ID. He felt like he searched for whole minutes but deep down he knew it was only for a matter of seconds. He gave the pharmacist the ID with a shaking hand. She bleeped it and pressed a few buttons.
“Which medication do you need?” she asked loud enough for some heads to turn. He lowered his head and muttered a low ‘Mirtazapine’
“Mirtazapine?” she asked loudly again and he cringed. “30 days?”
He wanted to curse her out but settled with nodding. She returned his ID and left to get the medication after taking the printed note.
He played with the ID, anxiously waiting for her return.
Once she came back she scanned the bottle.
“That will be $35”
He nodded and took out his card to pay. It seemed like forever until the machine beeped. His blood ran cold.
‘ Rejected?! But- I should have money on it! I got paid! It can’t be empty! ’
“C-can I try another card?” he stuttered. The woman shrugged and pressed a few keys on her end. He tried another card only to be met with the same message. He tried to hold back a whimper but that only caused a pathetic squeak to come out instead.
“Can you pay or not?” the woman asked loudly. He shook his head and took a step back. He muttered an apology for wasting her time. He was about to leave when a hand was planted on his shoulder.
“How much is it?” the stranger asked. The woman told him the price. “I can pay that.”
He looked up at the stranger with big eyes, only to see it wasn’t a stranger.
‘ Mr Peterson? ’
“Sir! That’s n-not necessary!” he insisted but mr. Peterson held up a hand, signaling that he could not argue with the taller man on this.
The medication got paid for and they left the pharmacy.
“Nasty lady, that one.” Mr. Peterson commented once they were outside. “A real bitch.”
“Mr-” he was about to say but remembered that he had been asked to not call him that. “Jason…” he corrected. “You didn’t need to do that. I’m not sure I can repay you.”
“I can afford it. Besides. Medication is important.” Jason said with a smile.
He resisted the urge to click his tongue and snarl at the man. Instead he smiled gratefully and said a soft ‘thank you’.
He glanced into Jason’s bag and saw bandages and wound cleaners.
“Are you hurt?” he asked before he could stop himself.
“Nah. Nothing a band aid can’t fix. But I noticed I was out of bandages and… you know. Better safe than sorry.”
‘ If you say so… ’ He thought.
“I see.” He said instead.
“I should get going. Need to buy some groceries and stuff. I’ll see you around Jason.”
“Take care, little guy.” Jason patted his shoulder. “And hey. That lady really is a bitch. Don’t stress it. Shit happens.”
He smiled and accepted the comfort that the words brought him.
“Thank you Jason. I think I needed to hear that. You’re my hero.”
He didn’t miss the small twitch of Jason’s eye before the chuckle came.
‘ Interesting ’
“I ain’t no hero, kiddo. Not even close. You take care now!”
And like that they parted ways. He opened his bottle and took the dose for the day.
Only when he stood outside the grocery store did he remember he had no way of paying for the food. Not if his cards were blocked.
‘ Maybe I can buy a little with the cash I have? Mm… No. Can’t be bothered. Library it is then. ’
He got a move on towards the library and sighed heavily. The streets got busier and he grew increasingly annoyed. People going to work and school have no respect. They don’t watch where they’re going. It’s a miracle if someone stops to apologize for bumping into you.
He escaped the busy street and entered the library.
“Hello dear.” the librarian said sweetly. “It’s good to see you again. Want the same books as always?”
“Yes. I know the way. Thank you.” he said dismissively. The young lady was always happy to help a fellow booknerd, but today he just wanted to be alone. This was his way of showing her that.
He walked to a more closed off area of the library. Mostly forgotten books that had not been put in the basement for one reason or the other. He went to the little corner he had made for himself and took the books he was currently reading. The lady appeared half an hour later.
“Ahm… I was wondering if you would be interested in reading a book we got in today. I’ve seen you reading a lot of religious books and well…”
The lady held up the book. He read the title.
‘ Abel and Cain ’
“I already know everything about those two brothers. One is pathetic, one is misunderstood, together they’re tragic. There’s no version of them you can send my way that I haven’t seen before.” he said. It sounded a bit harsh, but that’s just how he got when he was in research mode.
“Well I just figured since this more fiction and-”
“Not interested in fiction. Do you have a book on snakes around here?”
“Oh! Like Satan when he-”
“No. Snakes. Normal. Snakes.”
She backed off a little. Maybe he should feel bad, but he really doesn’t. She nods and leaves, then comes back with a few books.
“Here you go, deary”
“Thank you.” He said coldy and grabbed one of the books. He glanced up at the lady. “Wanna sit with me? You can read your ‘Abel and Cain’ book while I study snakes.”
The lady seemed to light up a bit. She took a seat and started reading. After a while she spoke.
“How did Abel die? I mean, how do we know he didn’t fall and hit his head? I think I read that somewhere.”
“Nope. Cain murdered Abel in cold blood. ‘The devil made him do it.’ You might be thinking about when Patroclus supposedly murdered that kid in the greek myths. Sure. He pushed the guy. But not with the intent to kill.”
“You’re so smart~”
He looked up from his book.
“I’m well read. Besides. It’s all just myths. Only the people who were there actually knows the truth.” ‘ And they’re just pointing fingers. ’ “Interpret it as you will.” he shrugged. He knew that the lady was interested in him. In a way that was not mutual. She was a sweet lady, but he didn’t see her that way. He found it strange that she saw him that way.
“You must really like religion!” she commented.
He grimaced.
“I hate religion.”
“O-oh…”
“Yeah.”
After that the lady didn’t try to strike up a conversation anymore. He enjoyed the peace and quiet. The lady soon left as more people entered the library. She didn’t want to risk someone stealing books again.
He gathered more books that he figured would be more helpful to his research.
Time passed and afternoon came sooner than he realized. He cleaned up his space and left the library, but not before saying goodbye to the librarian. He might act like an asshole at times, but he’s not that much of an asshole.
When he came out it had started raining a little. He cursed himself for not checking the weather before leaving. He sighed and walked all the way home. He’d just settle for pizza tonight. Screw grocery shopping.
His trip to the library left him none the wiser, but it was a nice little getaway. He knew what he actually needed, he just didn’t have the patience to deal with it today.
On his way home he saw his neighbor in an alley. He frowned and walked closer.
“Mr. Wood?”
Mr. Wood flinched and turned around.
“Ah fuckin’ shit, kid. Ya scared me.” the man said and sniffled a little. He didn’t have an umbrella either.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping closer. He had a feeling he knew, and mr. Wood would never admit to it.
“Just enjoy’n’ tha weather.” mr. Wood said nervously.
“‘Waiting for my dealer’ you mean?” he asked and raised an eyebrow. Mr. Wood flinched again and looked so ashamed. “Gary…” he sighed. “We’re all here to help you, but enough is enough. Eventually we won’t open our doors anymore. You need help.”
“‘s non of yer business, brat!!” Mr. Wood, or Gary, spat. “W-What are ya doin’ here anyways, huh? Don’t got no guy to satisfy that ass of yus??”
He glared at Gary. “Yeah! I’ve seen ya! Ya ain’t as innocent as ya act! Don’t go spittin no ‘mr. perfect’ shit at me, dickhead!”
“Who I spend my nights with and why is none of your business, Gary. Don’t snap at me for trying to help you.” he knew he shouldn't be angry or offended. Gary wasn’t himself right now. Gary was just very ashamed. And he’d be truly damned if he didn’t try to help. “Gary… Why don’t you come up to my apartment with me? We can do whatever you need to chill out, as long as it doesn't involve drugs. Let me help you… You’ve been doing so well. Don’t fall back now.”
There was something truly disturbing about seeing a grown man cry. Gary broke down and his legs gave in. In his dirty clothes he sat in the alley and cried for his mommy. That real ugly cry. Half screaming, half whimpering.
“I jus’ wan ma momma!!” Gary cried, gripping his hair as he cried. “I need help! I can-” Gary sobbed and it was hard to make out what he was saying. Soon enough he just cried “Momma! Momma!!” and rocked into place.
He took a seat next to Gary on the dirty ground in the rain. He gently rubbed Gary’s back. He didn’t hush the other. Nor did he try to calm him down with soothing words like ‘it’s going to be okay. Everything is fine.’
He just sat there, waiting it out. Gary needed to get this out of his chest and realize there was no shame in it, so he sat there for a good twenty minutes. The rain came down harder and he was soaked and dirty.
“‘m sorry, kiddo… For what I said…” Gary mumbled when he calmed down a little. Gary spoke clearer now, that was a good sign.
“‘s okay… Nothing I haven’t heard before… So what do you say…? Wanna head up to my apartment and watch a movie? I’m ordering pizza later.”
“That… That sounds nice… But I don’t think I can move…”
“That’s okay. We’ll wait here. I’ll be here with you until you’re ready.”
They sat in silence for a while, listening to the rain. It was kinda nice, in a twisted sort of way.
“You’re a good kid…” Gary mumbled after a while. “Got much experience handling addicts?”
He shrugged.
“Not really… Just figured… What would I need… I don’t like to be pitied when I’m being comforted. I just want someone to understand that life is a bitch, and that’s okay…. You know?”
“Ever had someone that understood that?”
He sighed and looked down.
“My mom… My boyfriend… My dad tried, but… he’s a complicated man. My mom was forced to take drugs as a kid so some of the understanding came from there… Hated drugs with a passion… My boyfriend was just a bright guy… The sweetest man in the universe.” he chuckled. “Can’t believe I hated him once…”
He frowned. He had never opened up this much in forever. And he actually felt better. Life was shitty. And that was okay. And sharing some of the shit with someone else made it a little less shitty.
“So where is your family? Does your boyfriend know you’re sleeping around…?”
He sighed and looked down.
“My family is gone. I have no idea where… My boyfriend… Same thing. Pretty much… I fear he might be dead, idiot that he is… But I’m going to find them. My mom, dad, my siblings, my boyfriend…. My…. eh. You get the point”
They were silent a bit longer.
“I’m not going to be a fun guy to be around, kid.. Things might have calmed down for now…. But it’s only a matter of time before I break down again….”
“Then break down.” he said and smiled a little. “Break down and then we start again. You’ve made it a little longer today. Focus on that. It’s progress. Now then!” He patted Gary’s wet shoulder. “Let’s head inside. Cool?” he reached out a hand to help Gary stand up. Gary accepted and stood up. They headed up to his apartment. They took turns taking showers. He showered with an open door in case Gary needed anything.
They ate Pizza together and watched Studio Ghibli movies in his bed. Sometimes Gary got restless so they did something else for a while. His anxiety got the best of him once and he vomited. He cried in shame but he made sure to stay by his side and guarantee that it was alright.
When he woke up the next day, Gary was sound asleep still. They fell asleep to a movie and therefore shared bed.
Yesterday had been shitty, but for some reason today felt easier.
He glanced at his neighbor and he smiled a little at this light feeling in his chest.
‘ I don’t feel so alone today… Am I really that desperate for company… Is it really so bad for me to be alone…? ’
It made sense all of a sudden. Somewhere in his chest, he had always known, but now he realized it fully.
He was afraid of waking up alone and abandoned.
And that was okay he decided. It wouldn’t last forever. He would find those he lost.