Chapter Text
Smoke was billowing around me, clouding my vision and leaving my eyes scorching. I couldn’t see far, only being able to discern a stumbling mass as human when it would stand almost directly in my line of vision. People were scrambling away, eager to put distance between the fallen concrete and themselves, occasionally breaking the almost silence that had fallen over the space after the last explosion, to shout out the name of a loved one whom they couldn’t locate.
I didn’t know where I was heading. It felt like all the purpose I had left, went out with the first spark of the explosion.
The Sanctum was safe and so were my people there. For once Madi was tucked away from the chaos and I felt some relief at the thought. I pushed my tired legs forward, stepping over another piece of broken rubble.
My chest felt like it had been filled with cement and I knew I needed to walk.
The few remaining lights above me started to flicker, indicating electricity would soon go out. It was already dim, and soon a near darkness would envelop the broken compound. I clamped my teeth tighter and my jaw began to ache.
I wasn’t ready to go back just yet. I would just have to make do with whatever faint glimpses of light that were still able to reach me, coming from the opened portal. I stilled, and turned around, facing the way I just came. The portal was just a small, flickering dot of green in the horizon now. I blinked a few times, trying to clear some of my vision. I concentrated on the shadows and noticed an eerie stillness had finally settled.
I was finally alone.
I stopped and took a large, choking gulp of torrid air. Then one more. And then another. Finally, hot tears began streaming down, marking their way down my face. I angrily wiped my eyes and took a tentative step forward, and once I found my rhythm again, began to walk, inching further into the depths of the darkness.
I needed to think; formulate a plan of some kind, a plan that would tell me how to deal with the fact best friend was dead.
The word ‘dead’ is such a funny word, I thought. The more I said it, the less sense it appeared to make and it certainly didn’t seem to convey the impossibility of what it was suggesting.
My Bellamy couldn’t be dead.
The thought not once had entered my head when I set off to bring back my friends. He was just there the other day, his warm arms around me like a cocoon, telling me that we did do better.
I scoffed. He was wrong. No matter what we did, people always ended up dead.
And now, he joined that awful too-long of a list.
My feet stumbled over a jagged edge of a rock and I began to fall forward. I was too stunned at first at the quickly approaching ground and I brought out my hands too late to break the fall. My cheek smashed against a blunt surface of concrete, sending a piercing shot of white pain through my head.
My face pounded.
I closed my eyes and then I tried to push my way up to a sitting position. I slumped against a broken part of a wall, trying to breathe through another wave of pain. The remnants of the smoke in my throat suddenly made my stomach lurch, and had to lean to the side to vomit.
The smell didn’t even bother me and neither did the sour taste in my mouth.
I cautiously inched back against the wall and breathed through my nose.
What was I to do now that Bellamy was dead?
He was my rock ever since the dropship had landed on Earth. His presence had steadied me throughout the years, made me feel that I had an unwavering force of support behind me, no matter what bad choice I've just made.
We’ve been separated before, but it never felt final. There's always been hope that he would get back to me.
We still breathing?
An involuntarily sob broke to the surface. He couldn’t be dead. He never got to live in the peace he spent his life fighting for. How was that for fair? But then didn’t I already know that death had a terrible sense of humor?
My chest was heaving and I no longer bothered to control my crying. I tried to recall his expression, the last time I bid him goodbye, unknowing it would be for the last time. I wanted to remember the warmth of his honey-brown eyes that held my gaze when I turned to look at him one last time.
I screamed. It was a horrible scream. Loud and desperate like one of a wounded animal.
I had never told him I loved him.
That I was stupidly, immeasurably in love with him and now he would never know. There was never a right time when they were trying to find a way of dealing with an impending end of the world and then the conflict with Eligius happened and the fact that he had returned from space with a girlfriend, didn’t help matters either.
I bit my lip, cracking it opened as more tears slipped out. I wished I’d told him. I didn’t know if he’d felt the same, but I thought if somebody was in love with me, I’d like to know.
When it felt like my tear ducts had been thoroughly emptied, I placed my throbbing cheek against my thigh and circled my legs, slightly rocking back and forth; the monotony of the movement, grounding me lightly to the present.
My eyes had stung from the salt from the tears and the residue of dust and smoke in which I must have been sitting for hours and the rational side of my brain began nagging at me to get back up and make my way to Sanctum.
I shuddered as my whole body protested at the thought. I wasn’t ready.
I needed to grieve Bellamy Blake alone.
I didn’t have it in me to face Echo and Octavia and offer them condolences for their loss, because it felt like a chunk of me was missing, and now that the adrenaline from the past few days began ebbing away, I didn’t have it in me to look collected and strong.
I didn’t want to be collected and strong.
Eventually, I felt my limbs go heavy and I didn’t seem able to keep my eyes open.
At that moment though, at the brink of sleep where if you think of something hard enough and you can make it seem real, I imagined the low timbre of his voice; the deep rumble when he said my name and the feel of his calloused fingers as he traced the skin on my cheek.
I sighed in contentment.
I didn’t want to face a reality void of him; it looked bleak as if his death drained the world of all the joy. I would stay here for a little while longer as sleep tugged me deeper into its arms, imagining the sound and the touch of Bellamy Blake as if he were next to me.
Gusts of warm air fanned my cheek, gradually bringing me over the cusp of consciousness. My body felt light and warm, and I turned my head closer to the radiating heat coming from the side, snuggling my head closer.
I took a deep breath, thinking that it had been a while since I felt this comfortable, when a familiar musk of cedarwood and mint stroked my nostrils.
My thoughts stilled and memories rushed back like a deluge of freezing water, and any thoughts of contentment evaporated as I remembered the past few days.
Of course the smell seemed familiar, it was what I came to associate with a feeling of safety; it was a distinctive Bellamy fragrance, one that remained unchanged. At that moment, I thought my brain to be particularly wicked for dredging up such little detail.
My body shifted forward and I realised she was being carried and my eyes snapped open only to meet the sight of a dark threadbare cloth of a shirt. I moved my head to the side and a loud gasp left my mouth as I glanced up. I was almost convinced then and there that I was losing my goddamn mind.
How else do you explain it when you see the sight of someone you were told was dead?
My arms and legs fumbled for freedom, willing to get out of the firm hold, but instead the hands around them pressed tighter, hesitant to let go.
“Clarke, be still for a second. Let me just put you down before we both end up falling,” said a Bellamy-like voice. I detected a hint of amusement in it and it sounded so much like him that my eyes teared up and everything in front swam.
How? Was I imagining this? Was it a hallucination brought on by my earlier fall?
“Bellamy?” I whispered. My eyes were overflowing now and tears were draining down my face.
He placed me on the gritty ground and moved his hands to my shoulders, squeezing.
His touch felt real enough.
“I’m not dead, Clarke. You’ll have to wait a bit longer before that happens.”
His voice sounded real enough.
I looked into his eyes, noting the gold speckles decorating the dark copper of his irises and found myself believing.
He really was here.
Laughter bubbled from my throat and I surged forward, wrapping my arms around him like my life depended on it, breathing in the smell of his body.
I didn’t know how long we had stayed like that; his large hand moving up and down my back, brushing off the melancholy of the last few days and reaffirming his presence while the other circled my back and made me reluctant to move.
At some point, my legs began to cramp from the prolonged inactivity and awkward position. I took my sweet time when I shifted my soot stained hands away from his neck, noting the imprints I had left, and then I moved them down his shoulders and arms.
It felt as if by marking Bellamy Blake with my dirt, I was laying claim to him; without my will, he couldn’t disappear.
Only then was I able to move away.
As I stood back, my eyes travelled up and down him, like they would when examining a medicine cabinet during an inventory of the supplies, looking for any sign of harm or injury and when found none, I sighed in relief. Only then it struck me that his beard was gone.
My heart clenched at the sight and I bit my already sore lip to stop myself asking about it, as now wasn’t the time, first I needed to learn what happened to him.
“Where were you? Everybody thought that you died in the explosion.”
He looked at me intently, as if seeing the desperation I felt at the news.
“I know, I’m sorry -” He paused, licking his lower lip. “-I saw what was happening seconds before the grenade was detonated so I had time back away a step or two. The blast of the explosion did the rest, when it pushed me back into the opened Anomaly.”
A grin forced itself up my lips and soon Bellamy was grinning back.
“You’re like a cat with nine lives,” I said tenderly.
“You’re one to talk.” I just grinned harder at his words but I felt it my lips drop as I’ve just eaten something sour as more memories began to force their way up.
“When Gabriel told me you were dead.. It felt like a really bad joke and that at any moment you’d just come out from your hiding place, laughing that he managed to get to me. It just didn’t seem real.”
“You know I wouldn’t do that to you.” I absorbed his words. Of course he wouldn’t, he must know how much he means to me by now and how gut-wrenchingly painful it would be for me to even consider him dead.
“Then, I thought when Octavia, Echo and Diyoza entered, at first concealed in their suits and helmets that perhaps you were one of them; standing behind them, and when you I realised you weren’t-” my voice shook and I had to look away, blinking away the new wave of tears that threatened to descend.
I felt his hand on her chin, moving my face back to face him. He then started to wipe away the few tears that made their way down despite my vehement efforts to stop them in their tracks.
“I would have been back sooner, but I had a little trouble getting back,” he said once he retracted his hand, meeting my eyes.
“So where were you?” I asked after a beat of silence.
“I haven’t found out the name of the planet, maybe it doesn’t even have one, but it's very much like Earth before Primefaya sans the Grounders.” He scratched his head, thinking. “It’s abundant in forests and lakes. Quite beautiful, actually.” I smiled slowly at his recollection.
“I would love to see it.”
“I see no reason why you can’t. If we’re being honest, I fancy it more than Sanctum so wouldn’t mind another trip. Two suns were always a bit much for me, I have enough freckles as it is.”
I elbowed him lightly, stealing a quick glance at his freckles when he laughed. I happened to quite like them.
“So how come you’re here? Have you been to Sanctum and seen the others?”
Bellamy’s forehead wrinkled as he answered.
“Not yet.”
“We should get back then. They’ll want to know you’re alive and well.”
I moved to stand up, flinching when my vision blurred slightly and before I had a chance to stumble, large hands guided me back to the ground.
“Sit, Clarke. I think you might have a concussion,” he said, glancing at my bruised cheek. I realised my head was indeed pounding in pain, now that he mentioned it.
“Great,” I mumbled, leaning slightly against him. We sat in comforting silence, the heat of his body keeping her warm.
“So you want to tell me, how you acquired the splendid looking coloring on your face?”
He raised his thick, dark brow and I sighed.
“You saw for yourself that the lightning here is not great. It doesn’t take much to trip.”
“Which would beg the question why were you going away from the light coming off from the Anomaly?”
“Can we change the subject for a second?” I asked, briskly, annoyed at the pointless direction the conversation was taking. I wanted to talk about him, the fact that he was miraculously here with me and breathing and not about bruises and my grief.
“Bellamy, we have too much to discuss. You still haven’t told me what happened when you were away.”
He moved his head so he could see my face and I schooled my expression into one of stubborn resolution. I wanted some answers too. It was his turn now to produce a small sigh.
“What do you want to know?”
“So he knew how to operate the Anomaly stone and you asked to come back here?” I asked after Bellamy gave me an account of who he met on his new planet.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you get back to Sanctum and get back-up? How would you have gotten Octavia out of here by yourself?”
“Oh. With my charm and good looks, as I’d initially planned?” he quipped, but seeing I wasn’t amused, he added “ I found out about what happened and knew everybody was safe in Sanctum.”
He saw me frown then in question and clarified further, “The man told me. He has his ways of staying informed.” I had so many questions. Who was the man? How well did Bellamy get to know him? But it felt like I needed to see the backbone of the story first before I dug into the details.
“Then what are you even doing here?”
“I’d also heard, a certain blonde leader hadn’t come back. I’d assumed it was you.”
My pulse quickened, and I had put some effort into my next words to stop them coming out rushed and high pitched with emotion.
“So you came here for me?” Bellamy shrugged his shoulders.
“It’s hard work keeping you alive,” he said in mock seriousness. “I gathered it was best not to tempt fate and leave you too long by yourself.” I snorted.
“I’m serious, Bellamy.” I decided to ignore the warmth that spread inside me.
“I was worried about you. I know you’ve just lost your mum. The knowledge that one more person you know had died, wouldn’t have been easy.”
My mother’s death and all the emotions that went with it had been locked away behind a sturdy door in my mindspace, and admittedly I hadn’t gotten around to dealing with them properly. Occasionally, some things would prompt the door to slip open such as that day in Sanctum with Russel when I set fire, albeit accidentally, to the Palace but then I watched it burn, not allowing anybody else to try to take it down.
“It wasn’t easy for anybody.” I said eventually, thinking of Echo and Octavia.
“They’ll be okay. A day here is a couple of minutes there. We can take as long as we need.”
I took a hold of his hand and squeezed it in gratitude and as I’d begun to remove it, he wrapped his fingers around it, keeping it securely in his. I glanced at him questioningly but he didn’t meet my gaze, instead he looked in the direction of the Anomaly.
“So what springs to your mind, in terms of future plans for the rest of mankind?” Bellamy asked, still looking away.
I thought for a second, thinking of what we’d be needing to prioritise now that the power structures have shifted with the Primes in Sanctum being exposed as nothing but frauds and the Bardo leaders dead.
“We’ll have to work out how to unite the people in Sanctum. Expand the compound to fit in the Bardonians or work out how to rebuild here.”
“Do you think it’s worth trying to force peace on people who don’t want it? Maybe it’ll be best if we separate and make use of the different planets now in our disposal.”
Now that was a thought. “But we should still agree to disagree, work on creating some sort of treaty.”
“To prevent inter-galactic warfare?”
“And to think I used to think that you couldn’t read my mind.” I said in a mock-sardonic tone of voice and Bellamy gave a lopsided grin in response.
“Speaking of Sanctum, do you want to go back now or do you want to spend the night here?”
“I am pretty tired,” I answered thinking I didn’t really have the energy for night long celebrations that would certainly follow once everybody saw Bellamy.
He smirked. “In that case-” he stood up and began to shrug off his wooly cardigan and then proceeded to lay it out on the ground. “This will keep out the cold.”
I raised my brows when he patted the space next to him as he sat back down, now on the piece of clothing.
He looked right back, willing me to give him a reason why I shouldn’t join him and I swallowed, feeling my throat dry up.
Oh, stars. Of course, I wanted to sleep next to him. I just didn’t want to suddenly start cuddling him in my sleep, by which I mean I did, but it wouldn't strictly speaking, be appropriate and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. That is, if I even managed to fall asleep because I suspected that I’d probably spend the next few hours just revelling in the closeness and comfort that Bellamy Blake provided.
I took a steadying breath, hating how easily the man in front managed to fluster me without even trying. I tried to think of an excuse that I could give him as to why I shouldn’t sleep there, but conveniently my brain came up with nothing; resigned, I shuffled over onto his makeshift mattress.
After a while, despite my deep exhaustion that stretched to my bones, I was sure sleep would continue to remain at arm’s reach. I lay by Bellamy’s side, our arms side by side touching, conscious of his every intake of breath, all the while hardly believing that he was indeed here with me, alive and unhurt.
“I can hear you thinking, Clarke. Go to sleep,” he mumbled.
“I’m just happy that you’re not dead.”
“I aim to please, princess,” he said with mirth in his voice.
I stilled, shocked at the use of the familiar endearment. The last time he called me that was around the time when they learned that the nuclear reactors inside power plants were melting down. He must have felt my muscles stiffen as he then moved to his side and looked at my face.
“The ‘princess’ thing just slipped out. If you’d rather I didn’t call you that, I will try to refrain from doing that again,” he said seriously and I bit my lip, which was getting far too sore to keep biting it, to stop myself laughing. Of course he’d stop calling me that if I asked, it was who he was. Always caring. Always, the heart.
“No, it’s that I don’t like it. It actually grew on me when you stopped being an ass.” Bellamy chuckled quietly at the words.
“I don’t even know why it affected me to hear you say it just now to be honest. I guess I wasn’t expecting to hear it again after so many years.”
Now, it was his turn to freeze. Eventually, he shuffled his body and took out his arm from next to him, stretched it above my head and pulled me closer to him, where I had no option but to rest my head on his chest. His hand remained on my arm,
“This okay?” he asked, his voice quiet.
“Mmmm,” was my only affirmative reply; I was still slightly dazed at finding myself so close to him. Soon though, the steady rhythm of his heart and the warm embrace, lulled me into a deep sleep.