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Jaebeom glanced at his watch, releasing a huff as he read the time. 9:27 a.m. He groaned at the realization he was nearly thirty minutes behind, a lot more than his usual ten-minute tardiness. Jaebeom shouldered his bag, pulling open the door to the studio. He paused only to shake the rain off his shoulders and run a hand through his damp, messy hair.
“Good morning.” He greeted one of the staff in the lobby, shuffling his feet on the doormat. They returned it, offering a nod that Jaebeom barely noticed as he went quickly past.
This morning had most certainly not been good. First, Jaebeom had woken up with a pounding headache. That always made him sick. After throwing up the contents of an empty stomach, he had taken painkillers. Though without breakfast, that just stirred his stomach more while barely dulling the ache in his head. An accident on the wet roadway left him in traffic and took away even more time that he didn’t have to spare. And, to top it all off he had slipped running up the steps to the studio entrance and scraped the heel of his hand.
It would all be fine once he got to the practice room though, or at least that’s what Jaebeom kept telling himself. The other members would certainly understand about the traffic, and maybe he could even milk his scraped hand for some sympathy if they were still annoyed. He wouldn’t mention this morning’s illness though, then they would just worry and try to hold him back from practice.
Who he did not want to run into, however, was manager-hyung. For weeks he had been chiding Jaebeom about his time management. Jaebeom did not want to even think of manager-hyung’s reaction to him being half an hour late.
But, of course, manager-hyung’s face was the first to greet Jaebeom as he entered the practice room. Behind his crossed arms and frowning visage were the other members, all casting cautionary glances on their leader. Jaebeom’s eyes scanned only quickly over their expressions, however, before manager-hyung addressed him.
“Lim Jaebeom, do you know what time it is?”
“Uh,” Jaebeom glanced once again at his watch, “it’s 9:31 a.m.”
“Do you know what time practice starts in this studio?” Manager-hyung questioned further.
“9:00 a.m.” Jaebeom murmured, sliding his bag tiredly off his shoulder and letting it drop on the floor beside him.
“You are thirty minutes late.” Manager-hyung summed up the whole matter. “Jaebeom, you know I can deal with you being a few minutes late. I don’t like it, but I can deal with it. But you have kept your team waiting for half an hour, taken away half an hour of practice time, for what?”
Jaebeom frowned, his eyes hopping across the faces surrounding him. He hated being scolded in front of the other members. Nothing made him feel more childish or more unworthy of his position.
“There was an accident on the road and a lot of traffic.” Jaebeom began his defense weakly. Manager-hyung shook his head.
“So traffic was at a standstill?”
“Yes.”
“While sitting in this unmoving traffic, you couldn’t give us a call?”
Jaebeom frowned, his eyes falling. He could feel his face growing hot, fueled by the embarrassment and agitation sparking within him. He swallowed, trying to keep his temper steady as manager-hyung spoke his next words.
“Jaebeom, you are the leader of this group. As a leader, you are not only to be responsible with your own time, but to be considerate with everyone else's. Your constant tardiness doesn’t only show carelessness, but selfishness on your part. You owe an apology to both myself and your members.”
Jaebeom felt as if he could choke, physically choke on his anger. Careless? Selfish? Had Jaebeom not given everything to the group? All his time, all his energy, all his focus? GOT7 was his whole life, those six guys his family. Jaebeom had changed for them, worked to be more patient for them, more mature, more attentive, more understanding. And now manager-hyung was going to stand here and tell him he was careless? There was nothing in the world he cared about more.
“Jaebeom.” Manager-hyung pulled him from his thoughts.
“Sorry.” Jaebeom announced the apology through gritted teeth.
“You’ve said it, now show it.” Manager-hyung accepted the reluctant word. “I want you on time from now on, or calling ahead. If you can’t do that, then you and I will have a serious talk.”
“This-” Jaebeom hesitated, but he couldn’t hold back his true feelings, “this is ridiculous .”
Behind manager-hyung’s back, the other members displayed various stages of unease at the oncoming confrontation. Yugyeom shared an anxious gaze with BamBam. Youngjae jerked his mouth to one side, uncomfortable in the rising tension. Mark kept his eyes on his hands folded in front of him. Jackson raised his eyebrows at Jinyoung, who sighed, wishing the leader had just held his tongue.
“Ridiculous?” Manager-hyung echoed.
“Yes, ridiculous.” Jaebeom affirmed. “It’s ridiculous that you’re going to stand here and tell me I am selfish, I am careless, I am irresponsible-like I haven’t spent years doing everything I can to lead this group.”
“Jaebeom, I know-”
“I am late a lot, yes. But do I mess up once I am here? Do I play around and slack off on work? Do I spend a single minute giving anything less than my all? No, I do everything, everything that is asked of me, and I do it right.”
“First, do not interrupt me when I am speaking.” Manager-hyung replied, remaining calm despite Jaebeom’s sharp tone. “Second, yes you are right, Jaebeom. You do good work, you do what is asked, you stay on task. But just because you are filling some of your responsibilities does not mean you get a free pass on others.”
“I’m not trying to get a free pass.” Jaebeom retorted, his disdain at the comment evident.
“Then why are you arguing with me? Be on time, end of story.” Manager-hyung replied.
A small wave of relief passed over the other members as manager-hyung issued the finalizing statement. It dissipated as Jaebeom snapped.
“No, not end of story!”
“Don’t raise your voice with me.” Manager-hyung ordered, displeasure and surprise lacing his voice.
“Don’t treat me like a child in front of my group!” Jaebeom was furious now, completely and utterly, his sense and manners clouded with the powerful emotion.
“Act maturely and I will have no need to.” Manager-hyung met the rising wave of rage with a cold wall.
“I’m acting immaturely?” Jaebeom questioned, leaning back slightly. “Oh, I’m sorry, I have only had to be unfailingly mature since I was fifteen years old. God forbid my youth slip out for a moment!”
“You know, perhaps your position of leadership is becoming a little too much for you.” Manager-hyung prevented Jaebeom’s voice from raising any further.
Youngjae covered his mouth to stifle a small gasp. Mark looked up for the first time, eyes wide. Jinyoung stood up from his spot on the sidelines, raising his hands.
“I think that maybe everyone just needs to relax-”
“You think it’s too much for me? Then, please, do me the favor and take it away!” Jaebeom retorted, snatching up his bag in a fury.
The tears burning behind his eyes felt like a thousand little bits of glass rattling in his head. He swallowed, doing his best to keep them back, but in the process making a pitiful, breathy noise.
“Hey!” Manager-hyung called, the first time he raised his voice during the whole argument. Jaebeom was already pulling open the door, rushing out. He wanted to be back home, he wanted to be back in bed, he wanted to be back in yesterday.
“Jaebeom!” Jinyoung called after him, but his hyung was already out of the studio. He glanced quickly to manager-hyung. “I’ll go get him.”
“You can try, but he is not coming back in here acting like that.” Manager-hyung warned, his voice hard. Jinyoung returned a curt nod, trotting out after his friend. Jaebeom was moving fast, the hallway was already clear of him. Jinyoung picked up his pace in order to catch up with his leader.
As he came into the lobby near the entrance, however, Jaebeom was still nowhere to be seen. Jinyoung stopped short, addressing one of the staff who had just come in the door.
“Did you pass Jaebeom?”
“No, I didn’t.” They blinked at him, obviously confused by the question.
Jinyoung furrowed his brow, turning in his spot. He stuck his tongue in his cheek, thinking for a moment before he was struck with another idea. He retraced his steps all the way back to the hallway, but rather than going into the practice room, he stepped into the restroom.
Sure enough, Jaebeom’s grey tennis shoes shifted behind the door of the first stall. Jinyoung walked further into the restroom, opening his mouth to announce his presence when he was silenced by jerky, sniffling breaths.
It was rare that anyone ever saw Jaebeom brought to tears, and Jinyoung knew the leader liked to keep it that way. Jaebeom was very private about these things, and Jinyoung couldn’t help feeling somewhat like an intruder. He hesitated for a moment, considering whether he should even say anything at all.
“Jaebeom?” Jinyoung called gently, making his decision.
“One moment.” Jaebeom replied, his voice unnaturally tight.
Jinyoung leaned his back against the row of sinks, waiting patiently as he knew Jaebeom was wiping his face with his sleeves.
The stall door rattled as Jaebeom unlocked it, emerging into Jinyoung’s view. He was red around the eyes and nose, though his face was dry. A quick glance at his darkened cuffs, however, proved where the tears had gone.
“What is it?” Jaebeom asked, as if nothing at all had happened that morning and Jinyoung had simply disturbed his break.
“Listen.” Jinyoung began, adopting his hyung's tone and pretending he didn’t notice the tearful evidence on his face.
“No, you listen. If manager-hyung has anything else to say, he can come tell me himself.” Jaebeom jumped immediately to the defensive.
“I don’t speak for manager-hyung, and he doesn’t speak for me.” Jinyoung stepped forward, shaking his head. “I know you, hyung, better than he does, better than even the other guys. Or at least I flatter myself that I do."
"You do." Jaebeom murmured.
"And, where manager-hyung sees irresponsible, I see overwhelmed. Where he sees careless, I see exhausted.”
Jaebeom hid his face in his hand. Jinyoung paused as he stepped back into the stall, closing it behind him. As soon as the lock clicked a ragged breath escaped him. Jinyoung drew near to the door, placing his hand against it.
“And where he sees immature, I see hurt.”
On the other side of the stall, Jaebeom did his best to regain control over himself. Even though he was hyung to Jinyoung, Jaebeom always found himself seeking the younger man’s approval as if it were reverse. Jinyoung was the last person on earth he wanted to cry in front of, though the only one he felt he could allow himself to.
“Trust me, hyung, I have worked with you-lived with you-long enough to know you go by your own clock. But I also know that the clock doesn’t run thirty minutes behind. What happened this morning?”
“It was just traffic.” Jaebeom answered through the door, scorning how weak his voice sounded.
“Stop, tell me.” Jinyoung pressed.
“I was sick.” Jaebeom’s chest jerked with the confession and he placed a hand on it.
Why did admitting that make him feel so bad, so sorry, so useless? Jaebeom cleared his throat, steadying his breathing as Jinyoung questioned.
“Like throwing up?”
“Yeah.”
“Headache?” Jinyoung already knew the cause.
“I woke up with it.” Jaebeom explained, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He heard Jinyoung sigh through the door.
“Why didn’t you just text me? You couldn’t practice like this anyways.”
Jaebeom reopened the door, facing Jinyoung with a fragile, serious expression.
“It was fine, I took pain killers.”
“But it’s still hurting. That’s why you were so short tempered.” Jinyoung saw right through the excuse.
“I was short tempered because manager-hyung can never seem to appreciate anything I do, but is so quick to jump on any fault he finds.” Jaebeom retorted.
“Manager-hyung is just trying to get the best out of us.”
“I’m already giving him my best. He can’t get anymore from me, I don’t have it!” Jaebeom almost snapped, as if speaking to the object of his anger.
“I know, I know, calm down.” Jinyoung cooed, not reacting to the small outburst.“I think we need to get you back home and in bed.”
Jaebeom swallowed, but did not answer. He sighed within himself, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
“What happened here?” Jinyoung’s brow furrowed as he reached forward, grasping Jaebeom’s hand by the wrist. He flipped it over, inspecting the skinned palm as Jaebeom muttered.
“I fell coming in.”
“Oh, Jae…” Jinyoung looked up into hyung’s face.
The door opened and Jaebeom withdrew his hand, not wishing anyone else to notice the small injury. Both men looked towards the door to see Mark. The eldest member stopped short, his brow furrowing at the sight of Jaebeom who turned from his gaze.
“Hey,” Mark greeted in his gentle way, “what’s going on?”
“Would you tell manager-hyung that I am taking Jaebeom home? He’s not feeling well.” Jinyoung replied, placing a hand on his hip.
“Of course. What’s not feeling well?” Mark wondered, stepping a little closer and crossing his arms.
“He’s had a headache since he woke up this morning.”
Mark frowned, aware of the effect migraines had on his dongsaeng. He nodded, moving back towards the restroom door and placing his hand on the handle.
“Okay, I’ll let manager-hyung and the rest of the guys know.”
“Wait.” Jaebeom spoke for the first time, raising his hand to stay his hyung. He glanced back to Jinyoung. “You know, I really can drive myself home.”
“Stop, I know you’re still in pain.” Jinyoung disagreed, looking back to Mark. “Would you please just let manager-hyung know?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right back.” Mark assured, exiting the bathroom.
As soon as the door closed, Jinyoung took back up Jaebeom’s hand.
“It’s fine.” Jaebeom murmured, but Jinyoung disregarded his protest.
He turned on the sink behind him, tugging Jaebeom’s palm lightly and putting it beneath the stream of water. He took a little soap from the dispenser and worked it gently over the injured area. Jaebeom watched silently, so close to Jinyoung that his chest touched his shoulder.
Part of him wanted to jerk his hand away. To assure Jinyoung that he wasn’t a child, and he certainly didn’t need anyone mending his cuts for him. But the other part of him, the part whose head was pounding, whose stomach was queasy, and whose eyes were weak from tears, that part wanted nothing more in the world than to be cared for. Than to give in and let someone else take over for once.
“I can do it, Jinyoung.” His pride trampled over everything else, and Jaebeom tried to pull his hand back.
“Relax, hyung, I’m almost finished.” Jinyoung did not release his friend’s wrist, but shut off the water and tore a paper towel from the dispenser with his free hand. He had just begun drying Jaebeom’s hand when the restroom door reopened.
Manager-hyung entered, followed by an anxious Mark who wrung his slender hands. Any hint of vulnerability in Jaebeom’s demeanor evaporated, and he jerked his hand from Jinyoung’s grip, turning to face the others.
“I came in here for some privacy and I would appreciate if it were given.” Jaebeom spoke before manager-hyung even opened his mouth.
“Mark says you have a migraine?” Manager-hyung ignored the attempt to send him off. Jaebeom shifted, frowning.
“Mark over exaggerates, I just have a bit of a headache.”
“He threw up this morning.” Jinyoung cut in. Jaebeom shot him a hard look, but he pretended not to notice. Manager-hyung sighed, wiping a hand over his face.
“Ah, Jaebeom, why didn’t you just say so?”
“Why? It’s not like you would have cared.” Jaebeom retorted coldy.
“Hey.” Jinyoung murmured, squeezing the leader’s arm.
“Do you really believe that?” Manager-hyung frowned, placing his hands on his hips.
“Do you really believe my role is becoming too much for me?” Jaebeom matched the question with his own.
“I think today has been too much for you.” Manager-hyung replied.
Jaebeom said nothing, but his eyes faltered slightly. He could feel Jinyoung rubbing his arm, and Mark’s soft gaze on his face. Manager-hyung sighed out, breaking the silence.
“I think it’s best Jinyoung take you home for the day. You can rest and reflect a while, then come back to us.”
“Okay.” Jaebeom murmured. Manager-hyung looked to Jinyoung, adding.
“If you could be back after lunchtime...”
“Of course.” Jinyoung nodded.
Manager-hyung matched the gesture, turning and stepping towards the door. Mark moved aside, and manager-hyung grasped the handle. Before pulling open the door, however, he stopped.
“Jaebeom, I know you’re feeling bad, so I am not going to press you, and I am certainly not going to argue with you again. I won’t demand an apology from you, that’s yours to give as you see fit. But, when you return to this studio, I need something from you. Some reaction, some discussion, something . Do you understand?”
Jaebeom was silent, his eyes set on the ground ahead of him, jaw tight. Manager-hyung repeated, this time a little sharper.
“Do you understand?”
“I’ll give you something now.” Jaebeom answered, his voice low. He glanced at the other members in the room. “Jinyoung, Mark, can you leave us for a moment?”
The pair hesitated, but conceded. Jinyoung offered one last squeeze of reassurance to Jaebeom’s arm before following Mark out the door. Manager-hyung closed it behind them, turning to face Jaebeom, his expression flat and serious.
“I work very hard for the respect of my group.” Jaebeom wasted no time in sharing the thoughts battering around his head. “I don’t tell anyone, but it is difficult for me. You know, some of the guys are older than me, taller, smarter. And I know I haven’t always deserved it, but I want so badly to be a leader they can depend on, that they can trust and follow. I have tried to be more patient, more understanding, more approachable, I really have. Then you scold me like that in front of them, and it’s like you expose all my faults, all my inexperience.You take it all away.”
There was a certain relief, getting all these jumbled feelings out of his mind into a steady stream of words. Manager-hyung said nothing for a moment, but shifted, considering carefully his reply.
“I understand, Jaebeom, more than you probably even realize.” He shook his head. “It’s my job to support you all as a group. That is what I have always done and will continue to do as long as I can. And if I had known how you felt, I would have made it a point long ago to only address grievances with you privately. But I didn't know, I couldn’t know because you do not communicate with me.”
“Yes, I do.” Jaebeom argued.
“No. The minute you get in the least bit upset you snap shut and send out your spikes. You don’t talk , and that is the one thing I need the most from you. I don’t want to argue with you, that is never my intent. But when you lose your temper like that, I have no choice. I am still your hyung, and I am still your manager.”
“I know.” Jaebeom swallowed. There was a truth to manager-hyung’s words that he could not deny. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I’ve been trying to do better.”
“I know you have, and I know that you aren’t yourself this morning. I’m not going to ignore all the work you put in just because of today. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to put this all behind us and move ahead.”
“Me too.” Jaebeom murmured.
“But, I cannot do that without something from you. Some assurance that there will be a change between us. That you will talk with me, that you will share with me, that you will let me know when you are sick. Can you do that, genuinely?”
“I can genuinely try.” Jaebeom replied, meaning each word.
“An attempt is all I ask for.” Manager-hyung sighed, his eyes scanning over Jaebeom’s subdued appearance. Neither man said anything for a moment, but allowed the short conversation to sink in on both sides.
“Okay,” manager-hyung took a deep breath, “go home and get some rest. I’ll see you back tomorrow morning.”
“Okay.” Jaebeom agreed, stepping into the stall and picking his bag up. He hoisted it onto his shoulder before heading towards the door.
__________
Jaebeom could not contain his sigh of relief as he came into the dorm, feeling as if he’d come to an oasis in the desert. He stepped aside, dropping his bag beside the sofa as Jinyoung went off towards the bedroom.
The car ride back had been quiet. Jaebeom was in no mood to talk and Jinyoung did not press him, except to ask if he wanted something to eat. Jaebeom wasn’t hungry though, all he wanted was to get back in bed and drift into nothingness for a while. The longer he was awake, the more he thought about this morning’s events. The more he thought about it, the more pain it caused in his rattled mind.
Jinyoung re emerged from down the hall, drawing to a stop and placing his hands on his hips.
“I made your bed, come on.”
Jaebeom didn’t reply, but followed Jinyoung’s form back to the room at the end of the hall. Jinyoung went into the bedroom before him, pulling back the covers on the neatly made bed. As he straightened, he said.
“And you’re sure you don’t want anything to eat? It would really make you feel better.”
“No, it’s fine.” Jaebeom shook his head, not waiting for Jinyoung to leave before climbing into the bed. He knocked his sneakers off with his toes, dropping flat onto his tummy and burying his face in the pillow.
“If you’re certain.” Jinyoung murmured, stroking the back of Jaebeom’s head.
Jaebeom closed his eyes, inwardly relishing the touch. It was a distraction from the jarring pain in his head, and he could have whined when it went away. He swallowed back the childish sound, instead turning to face his friend.
“What are you going to do?” Jaebeom questioned.
“Mm, probably hang out for a little bit in case you need me. Then go back to practice.”
“Hmm.” Jaebeom hummed, tucking the edge of his pillow a little better under his head. “You don’t have to be back until after lunch, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe by then I’ll feel better and come with you.” Jaebeom suggested, knowing he was being overly optimistic.
“You could.” Jinyoung agreed.“I am sure everyone would be happy to see you back.”
“Maybe...” Jaebeom murmured.
Jinyoung took a deep breath, gazing down at his friend. “Did you and manager-hyung work out everything between you?”
“I don't know...I think so.” Jaebeom spoke into his pillow.
“What did you say to him, in the bathroom?” Jinyoung wondered. His hand went unconsciously back to Jaebeom’s hair, smoothing it down.
“Nothing.” Jaebeom closed his eyes, relaxing beneath the touch.
“You mean nothing you want to tell me.” Jinyoung moved his hand to Jaebeom’s neck, massaging it gently.
“Hm.” Jaebeom rolled over, losing the touch, but now looking Jinyoung fully in the face. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore, with anyone.”
“Okay.” Jinyoung raised his hands.“If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine.”
Jaebeom turned his head, letting his eyes fall. Jinyoung lingered for a moment, staring down at the smooth profile.
“Get some rest.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll be right out in the living room if you need anything.”
Jinyoung turned on his heel, walking towards the bedroom door. He was stayed, however, by his hyung’s voice.
“Wait.” Jaebeom sat up in the bed.
“Yes?” Jinyoung turned.
Jaebeom hesitated, something he did not usually do. Jinyoung’s gaze remained on his face as the leader swallowed, shifting. Jaebeom didn’t want to talk anymore, yes, but that didn’t mean he wanted Jinyoung to go. In fact, all he wanted was for Jinyoung to stay. Jaebeom wanted to plant his face on his friend’s shoulder, drift off to his comforting touch.The last thing he wanted, however, was to ask for it.
“What is it, Jaebeom?” Jinyoung questioned, his eyes searching his hyung’s expression.
“Maybe would...Well, you could lay here for a while if you wanted.” Jaebeom tried to sound unaffected, as if the decision didn’t really matter to him.
“You want me to lay with you?” The corner of Jinyoung’s mouth lifted. Jaebeom retreated from the request, feeling immediately stupid for asking.
“I said stay. I said stay here a while.”
“I’m pretty sure you said lay.” Jinyoung tilted his head, stepping closer to the foot of the bed.
“I said stay.” Jaebeom assured seriously, laying back down.
“I know what I heard.” Jinyoung smiled fondly at Jaebeom's sudden shyness.
Jaebeom turned away as Jinyoung climbed into the empty space beside him. Jinyoung reached forward, pulling Jaebeom back by the shoulder so that he was laying partially on his chest. Jaebeom did not fight it, but closed his eyes, sinking into his friend’s form. Jinyoung’s hand went to Jaebeom’s forehead, gently sweeping back his hair in long strokes.
“You heard wrong.” Jaebeom murmured, his words already becoming blurry.
“If you say so, Jae.” Jinyoung grinned at his hyung’s sleepy stubbornness. “If you say so.”