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For as long as he could remember, Cyrus had been uncomfortable talking to people. He would get to anxious about saying the wrong thing that it just became easier not to say anything at all. Even with Andi and Buffy, his two best friends, in the beginning, he was constantly worried that if he did something to upset them or make them think he was weird, they would decide that they were better off without him and leave him all alone. Growing up with four parents who all dealt with mental health, they realized pretty quickly that Cyrus had social anxiety. So Cyrus was able to work to feel more comfortable around others, and while he still got anxious in group settings, he was eventually able to talk to Andi and Buffy about almost anything.
When the Good Hair Crew got to high school, they all started growing apart. Andi was going to SAVA, Buffy (finally) started dating Marty and was busy with basketball, even Jonah hung out with his Frisbee team more than anyone else, and Cyrus ended up by himself. Because of this, Cyrus started feeling more depressed, which was something he’d always felt in connection with his anxiety, but as he drew into himself more and more, the more his mental health deteriorated. He knew that if he wanted to, he could call on Andi or Buffy and they would be there immediately, but he also didn’t want to burden them with his issues, as he knew they had their own, so he kept them all inside. That is until he met TJ.
TJ Kippen. The captain of the boys’ basketball team and someone Cyrus never would have thought would be his friend. But he was also the one person in Cyrus’s life that he had never once felt anxious around, and that made TJ special. He was so easy to talk to and Cyrus always found himself telling TJ more than he intended to. TJ was also the only one who could see past the front Cyrus would put up and notice that behind his smile, he was breaking down inside. TJ was someone Cyrus didn’t know he needed in his life until he was there, filling in a huge hole, and Cyrus felt that he was now closer with TJ than he was with anyone else, even Andi and Buffy. There was just something about the way he could be silly around TJ, but still have serious, meaningful conversations with him when he wasn’t doing so well, and tonight was one of those times.
Cyrus sat in his room, his thumb hovering above TJ’s name, trying to decide whether or not he was going to go through with this. He wanted to tell TJ the full truth of what was going on with him, not necessarily because he thought TJ could help him, but because after carrying it himself for so long, he couldn’t do it himself anymore. Taking a deep breath, he hit the button to call TJ. TJ answered after the first ring.
“Underdog! What’s up?” TJ exclaimed.
Cyrus’s eyes welled up at the familiar sound of TJ’s voice. “TJ, I - can I - I want to talk to you about something.”
TJ’s voice turned serious. “Of course, you know you can talk to me about anything. What’s on your mind?”
Cyrus took a moment to compose himself before beginning. “TJ, I’m scaring myself. You know I’m not doing very well and I…sometimes I just want to stop feeling so bad and other times I don’t want to get better.” Cyrus hesitated. After this, there was no going back, but he needed to tell someone. “But my ways of coping with everything aren’t healthy and I know it’s bad, but sometimes, I feel like it’s the only thing I can come back to. I’m just so sad, all the time, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“You’re really good at dancing around what you want to say,” TJ said softly, “so I can’t help but wonder…” He paused. “I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to get you to say anything you’re not comfortable with, but the way you’re talking, it makes it sound like you’re talking about self harm. And maybe I’m getting the wrong message, but if not I want you to know that I’m here for you and it makes me so sad that you’re going through that, because I care about you a lot and I wouldn’t want anyone I care about to have to deal with that. But obviously, if you’re not talking about that, I’m here for you with whatever it is as well.”
“Um, you’re, you’re not wrong,” Cyrus said, starting to cry a little. “I um, I, yeah,” he finally finished.
“Do you want to talk more about it?” TJ asked gently.
“Ummm no, not really,” Cyrus responded carefully. “I don’t know if I’m necessarily ready to go into specifics or anything, but I just wanted to get that off my chest.”
“That’s entirely understandable. But know that I’m here if you ever want to talk about it in the future.”
“I guess I do want you to know that I’m not suicidal, so you don’t have to worry about that at least.” Cyrus laughed cheerlessly. “And I don’t want to make you feel pressured not to say anything, but I don’t really want anyone knowing about this.”
“I understand, Cyrus. I won’t talk to anyone about it.”
“Thank you, TJ,” Cyrus smiled shakily.
“Anytime, Cyrus.” There was a pause. “Is there anything else you want to talk about? Or do you just want me to stay on the phone with you?”
Cyrus looked at the time – 10:24. “Actually TJ, I’m really exhausted, so I think I’m just going to go to sleep.”
“That’s not a bad idea. But you know that you can call me at anytime and I’ll be there for you. Even if you just need someone to sit there with you. I care a lot about you Cyrus, and I just want you to be okay,” TJ said sincerely.
“I care about you too. Oh wait…TJ?”
“Yes, Cyrus?”
“I just wanted to say thank you for being my friend and being there for me. I genuinely don’t know where I would be today if it wasn’t for you. You’ve always been there for me and I don’t think I can ever fully express how much that means to me. And know that I’m always here if you need anything.”
“I do, Cyrus, and you’ve done a lot for me, too. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without your influence. You’ve changed me for the better.”
“I find that hard to believe, but I don’t want to argue with you, so I’m going to let that go. Goodnight TJ and thank you again for not freaking out.”
“Of course. I wish that I was with you in person, so I could give you a hug, but I guess I’ll have to do that tomorrow. Goodnight, Cyrus.”
Cyrus hung up and held his phone to his chest. TJ had reacted a lot better than he expected him too and he felt his heart swell with gratitude for the older boy. His phone buzzed and he looked down to see a text with three heart emojis from TJ. Cyrus fell asleep smiling to himself.
The next morning, Cyrus walked into school, hoping to find TJ and thank him again for being so understanding during their conversation last night. As he walked to his locker, he saw TJ standing in front of it, looking around for Cyrus. As soon as TJ saw him, he ran over and threw his arms around Cyrus, holding him tight and close. Cyrus melted into the hug, knowing that somehow, with TJ by his side, he was going to be okay.