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It was one of those dusky kind of afternoons- an autumn evening that supported cocoa and a movie as a cure for school trip jet lag. But this would be assuming that the school trip wasn’t to the Toronto Film Festival and that Karkat could stand another ounce of human cinematography without murdering his entire grad class with a Bollywood stamped mug.
He waved goodbye to John and his foster parents as they drove away and put his keys in the door. Thank God, home smelled nothing like a hotel room... but had someone burnt something? He put his bag by the shoe rack and walked in.
“Gamzee?”
Something bumped in the direction of the kitchen. Muttering under his breath, Karkat went and turned on the light. The kitchen table rose two feet into the air, and then clattered back down, sending the chairs flying.
“Fuck.” came Gamzee’s voice from under the table, “Fucking snakes...”
“What?”
“Fucking snakes... surprising me being all like that...”
“Shit.”
Karkat’s eyes scanned the room until they found something lying by the sink. Walking over, he picked it up. It was a bag- empty. He stuck his finger inside, and it came out covered in yellowish dust. He didn’t bother sniffing it.
“Gamzee, what the fuck is this?”
“You’re stepping on the snakes.”
“Can we forget the fucking snakes? What is this shit?” He could feel a phantom tingling on his fingertips just from touching the stuff. Fuck, this was worse than usual.
“You’re stepping on them...”
“Is this another one of your retarded stunts? You can’t pull this shit every time Carole and Stephan leave the house, for fuck’s sake!”
Gamzee looked up, from under the table.
“Karkat?”
“Don’t give me that face, Gamzee. Don’t even fucking start.”
“Your blood is miracles, brother. It sends the snakes away... come here, brother... come here.”
Blind terror was always an uncomfortable feeling, no matter how short it lasted. His stomach froze as he stared at his foster sibling hunched beneath the table. Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. The phone was across the room- not that it would help him, but maybe he could warn the others in time to-
“The poor snakes.” wailed Gamzee, “Tavros would hate that.”
He let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding when Gamzee gave no further sign of flying into a murderous rampage. The phone was still across the room, waiting.
“They weren’t hurting anyone... bring them back, best friend.”
“I am so fucking sick of this, Gamzee.”
“I am the snakes. You sent me away. You sent me away.”
“Why are you under the table?”
Gamzee didn’t answer. He just sat, huddled under the kitchen table, scraping it’s bottom with his horns.
“Gamzee, Gamzee.”
He looked at Karkat.
“Why are you under the table?”
“I’m out there, brother. I’ll get me again. Again. I am the snakes. You sent me away. I’ll make you pay. It wasn’t fake. When I find me, I’ll be so angry... It wasn’t fake, brother... wasn’t fake.”
“Whatever. Just stay where you are, okay? I’m going to go get... someone. Fucking Sollux, if you’d been here it wouldn’t have got this bad. Yeah. I’m going to go get someone else, and we’re going to make you drink retarded amounts of water and then I’m going to slap you until you tell me where the fuck you got this crap.”
“Hehe... no. No. No!”
He started to scream as Karkat walked away.
“The snakes! They’re coming back! No! No! Brother, don’t leave they’re coming back. Brother, I’m with the snakes- I’m with them. I’ll find me, don’t leave. Don’t leave me!”
“Jesus Gamzee. I’m just going to the phone.”
“They’re back.” he whispered, “Oh no... I found me. I found me. Honk.”
“What?”
Karkat turned in time to see Gamzee’s forehead hit the floor and his hands cover his ears. A wordless whine escaped his lips as he curled into a twitching fetal position.
“Ffffuuuuck.”
Karkat booked it to the phone. The noise was just getting louder... fuck. Who had a cell phone? Fuck... he dialed the first number that came to his head. He looked nervously at the table as the whining kept getting louder. The phone kept ringing.
“Uh, hello. You’ve reached... Tavros. Um, I’m not here right now- sorry- so uh, call back later, please. Oh, or leave a message.”
“Tavros you stupid fuck! Answer your god damned phone, you crippled, sniveling grub of a-”
“Hello?”
“Tavros!”
“Karkat?”
“How fast can you be here?”
“What? Uh, where are you? Uh, home?”
“No, I’m on the fucking moon- yes I’m home!”
“Oh, uh... why?”
“Do you hear the incoherent wailing in the background? That’s fucking why!”
“Uh, who’s -who-”
“It’s Gamzee! Who the fuck else? How fast can you be here?”
“Uh... an hour? What should I tell Macey?”
“I don’t fucking care what- no. I fucking care. Tell her I need help with Biology homework or something- I don’t know. Anything but the truth! Just get your ass here as soon as you can!”
“What’s, uh, wrong with Gamzee?”
“Wouldn’t I like to fucking know! Get off your stupid phone and get here.”
“Uh-”
Karkat hung up and contemplated phoning someone else. Someone useful. Fuck- why had he called Tavros? Oh well, what could he do about it? The whine had stopped, now. It was a sign, but what kind of sign? He booked it back to the other side of the room to see Gamzee, still attempting the fetal position. He had tried to curl up further, but his horns got in the way, keeping him hunched like a turtle over his knees, until something changed. Like a bolt of electricity went through him, he convulsed. Suddenly propped up on his horns, he stayed there, ridged. He made a hurking noise as Karkat rushed over and tried to turn him. He wouldn’t turn. He wouldn’t even fit in Karkat’s lap if he could turn him. He just kept making that hurk-hurk-hurk noise like he couldn’t breathe. Oh god. Sometimes he twitched, but it was mostly his hands- clenching and unclenching. Fuck. What could he even do for him now? He floundered for a moment, before getting back up from Gamzee’s side and grabbing a dishcloth. He wound it into a cord, and forced it between his friend’s teeth. God damn it Tavros, get here. Soon.
***
Snakes. Murder. Blood. Hearts. Heads. Horns. He couldn’t move. The world was small in front of him. It was everything and he could see it because he was also everything. He could see himself on the throne as he sat on it, not able to move. Arms on the arm rests. He was waiting. Waiting for something that had already happened, because they there were. Lined up and bowing, headless. Their blood dripped on the carpet of the long room and he watched from everywhere. He was all of none of them, but everything else. They were like this because he made them like this. He had wanted to make them like this, but not now that it was done. He couldn’t cry about it because he was on the throne. He wasn’t allowed. Even though he was alone- he was watching him. He would never approve. He was the one that had eaten their hearts as they watched. He was him. They were the same. Then the heads rolled in. They all smiled, and now he didn’t care that he wasn’t allowed to cry. He did anyway.
So he slapped him. He wasn’t allowed to fucking cry. If he did it again, he would kill him. Maybe he didn’t care. If he did it again, maybe he would dethrone him. Maybe he didn’t care about that, either. If he did it again, maybe he would take them all away- forever this time.
He cared about that. Oh god, he cared about that.
***
The phone was ringing. This was the worst possible thing that could happen. He started a staring contest with the screen while he waited for call display to identify the number. If it was Carole or Stephan, all hell would break loose. He didn't have it in him to come up with a decent lie on the spot- not with Gamzee staring sightlessly up at him through half-lidded eyes.
Seeing the number he recognized as Tavros’ wasn’t much better. This would probably be him saying he couldn’t make it, that they should call 911 and hope for the best. Grub of a bitch. What sort of temporary retardation had made him think to call him in the first place? Already panicked, he pressed TALK and brought the phone to his ear.
“What?”
“Uh, Karkat? I’m outside...”
“What?”
“You uh, have stairs in the front.... remember?”
“Fuck. Tavros, I don’t know if I can leave Gamzee. He’s kind of...”
“Uh, I could just kind of... wait outside...”
“What is the point of that? No. I’ll... come get you.”
He hung up and looked at his friend. Shit. Shit. This was not well thought out. He should have called someone else- anyone else. But fuck, he was here now and no one else was. He had to go get Tavros, even if that meant leaving Gamzee catatonic on the floor... maybe he should move him somewhere softer? The living room had carpet... and couch pillows... what if he suffocated himself? Well, he didn’t have to put him on the couch. The carpet would have to do, for now. And he probably couldn’t maneuver Gamzee onto the couch if he tried. It was hard enough just dragging him into the other room.
By the time he got outside, Tavros had already parked himself at the bottom of the stairs and was looking up with an expression of concentration, almost like he was trying to calculate how much effort it would take to drag himself to the top.
“Okay, so how the fuck do we do this?” He needed to get back inside, needed to check on Gamzee. How long did it take for someone to choke on their own spit?
“If I put the brakes on, you could push me up... Um, if that’s okay...”
Muttering something about a wet blanket under his breath, he bounded down the stairs two at a time and gripped the handles at the back of Tavros’ chair. The thing was even heavier than it looked, and more than once he could’ve sworn he felt himself tipping backwards as he pushed him up the steps. Fucking cripple.
The wheelchair was a tight fit in the front hall, but it worked. When he got into the living room, Gamzee was still limp on the floor. Jesus, was he even breathing? Karkat rushed over to find him breathing shallowly onto the rug.
“Is, uh, is he okay?” said Tavros.
Karkat grimaced.
“No... I don’t know. He’s not all seizure-y anymore. He’s breathing. He’s alive.”
“He was having a seizure! Oh- no... oh no...is he better?”
“Yeah, seems like.”
“Oh. S-so, uh. What now?”
“I... don’t know. We watch him, I guess? Make sure he doesn’t choke to death on his own tongue or something.”
“Yeah. I think that’s uh, a good idea... Maybe you should put him in recovery position?”
“What?”
“Recovery position-we learned about it in PE.”
“You take PE?”
“I, uh... I have to. Yeah. Mostly. But I-I think it might, uh, help.”
“How do I do it?”
“Um, you need to uh, turn him on his uh, side. Gently! And uh, put his leg halfway up to his uh, chest- no! Um, the other leg. The one, uh, not on the floor. Yeah. Then you have to put one of, uh, his arms out... yeah, and then the other like his, uh, leg... yeah. Um, put that hand under his, uh, head. And, um, tip his head up a little bit... so he can keep breathing...”
“Okay, so what the fuck does this do?”
“It uh, should keep him supported... and let him keep breathing, even if, uh, there are... difficulties... it should, uh, help keep him alive? He’s not gonna die, is he Karkat?”
“I don’t fucking know, Tavros, but whoever gave him this shit is for sure.”
“O-oh. W-well, uh, what now?”
***
He was in the waves. Cold. They pinched at his nose and mouth, but never quite overtook him. It was nothing but the smell of death and he was just nothing. He was frozen nowhere and it was his home. It’s coldness didn’t end. Until it was disturbed. The goat- warm- lifted him above the waves, like hands on his back. He turned around on his side and felt the damp fur. He sighed. You came to get me. The goat shook it’s head, almost sending him flying. Hey, what did you do that for? The shaking just intensified. He had to hold on so as not to fall into the death-smell. What are you doing? It was starting to hurt to hold on. Stop it. Stop! But it didn’t. But you picked me out of the others. What are you doing? He was flying off. He couldn’t hold on like this. No. No. He dug his fingers into the skin of the goat’s nose. It came up like old leather, bleeding violet. No! Let me stay. The skin kept ripping up as he shook, and flecks of blood fell into the death-smell. If he fell into the death-smell, he would be lost in it forever. Do you want me to be lost? You’re dying. Dying. Stop it! More and more skin came off, until there was nothing left but bone and blood and rancid breath behind rotting teeth. The goat was a yellow eyed corpse floundering in the death smell and it didn’t want him. He was all it had, and it still didn’t want him. It wasn’t fair. He wanted it. He always had. It wasn’t fair that he was here, holding onto this thing that didn’t want him- hated him- for his life. It bucked him in his stomach and it hurt. It’s flailing to dislodge him bruised and broke his skin, but he wouldn’t let go. There was a wail and it came from his mouth as he clung. He huffed. Hurk. It was hard to move and stay on the bone-nose. Moving hurt. He kept going- inching slowly up. He was eye to eye. Why don’t you want me? And there was still no answer. The goat kept shaking, trying to get rid of him. Why don’t you want me? Shaking, shaking. Why don’t you want me? Shaking. Why? It wasn’t his fault. This pain and this life- he hadn’t picked any of it but here it was in front of him. Mocking him with those hollow eyes. He moved to make them stop. A swift motion forward, just once more, but his hand plunged into dead eyes. The goat died. Died before he could kill it. It wasn’t fair. Now it was falling into the waves of the death-smell and he was helpless falling with it. The goat splashed, and he followed suit. Down, down, down, down, down, down, down. Into the death. The smell filled his lungs and he retched. He retched again and then he hit the bottom of the death-sea. Nothing came out. Crunch. He retched one more time and felt acid scorch his throat. The bottom hurt. And something pooled at his cheek and then was gone. Seaweed, like hands, lifted him- pulled. Blurred. He tried to open his eyes. Muted. There were voices far away. Something stank, and that was close. He tried to open his eyes. Hurt. Stuck limbs. The smell of acid. Carpet.
***
They had been waiting so long for something to happen, it was inevitable that they would screw it up by the time that something came down and smacked them over their heads. Just when Karkat had begun to convince himself that Gamzee might’ve just needed to sleep it off, the hurking started again. Hurk. Hurk. In a sudden motion he jerked up off the floor, almost half-sitting before falling back in a heap of rigid limbs.
“Gamzee...?” Tavros was already wheeling towards him, looking like a kid waiting for a scary part in a horror movie.
“Fuck.” Karkat was on his feet a second later, tugging at his hair. Hurk. Hurk. Gamzee spasmed on the ground like a fish, his movements violent and jerking.
“Karkat, what’s happening...?” Hurk. A river of drool dribbled from the corner of his mouth.
“He’s having a fucking seizure, that’s what!”
“Oh... Oh no, no, Gamzee, don’t...”
Rust-coloured tears immediately began to pool in Tavros’ eyes, leaving Karkat to wonder for both their sakes why he had called him in the first place. Before he could stop him, he was sliding out of his chair and shuffling across the carpet, dragging his dead legs behind him. Shaking hands reached out and rested on Gamzee’s back, only to recoil as he heaved.
“W-we need to... to support his head and... Oh God, Gamzee...”
Karkat could practically see the pages of the BC Health Guide reflected in his eyes between flashes of panic. But he still didn’t really touch him. Just hovered.
“Well?”
“W-well? Uh, what?”
“Aren’t you supposed to, I dunno, help him or something? You went and crawled up there! Ah!”
Gamzee had rolled- jumped?- onto his back. Something dirty yellow had joined the drool on his chin.
“Shit,” Karkat hissed. “What do we do?”
Tavros was crying in earnest now, giving little hiccuping sobs as fat tears rolled down his cheeks.
“Tavros!”
“I don’t know!”
More sobbing, followed by a shaky breath. Karkat knew he couldn’t afford to flip his lid, even with Gamzee turning purple on the floor. If he would just stop crying for five seconds...
“I-I need help. We have to turn him, um, on his side...”
Sure as shit, Tavros pulled himself together, his voice creaky and quiet over the sounds of Gamzee’s struggles. His convulsions started to calm as they turned him on his side and watched the vomit drain from his mouth. It pooled on the floor under his cheek and Tavros gagged.
“We should uh, we should turn him the other way now... I think. So we can, um...”
“Yeah. We should clean that up.”
“Do you think he’s going to be better now?”
“I don’t fucking know, Tavros. Okay?”
“Okay... but... do you, uh, think-”
“Shut up. I don’t know. I already fucking said- I don’t know. So just shut up, and sit there and watch him while I get something to clean up this puke. Which is all over you, just in case you hadn’t noticed. Have fun with that.”
Tavros looked at himself and made a sound of disgust. Gamzee was still now - almost unnaturally so and the rise and fall of his chest barely visible. At least it was visible, now. His hand made it as far as an inch above his shoulder, halting for a moment before making contact.
“Gamzee...”
His voice was pitifully small. He tried again.
“Gamzee, can you hear me...?”
He didn’t respond. Tavros shook his shoulder.
“Gamzee?”
Still nothing. Karkat came back with a cloth and a tupperware container full of soapy water. He glanced at Tavros, before attacking the mess on the carpet. Once that was mopped up, he squeezed out the cloth, and handed it to Tavros.
“It smells like shit, but I don’t know where any of the other clean cloths are, so you’re just going to have to nut up and deal with it.”
Karkat scowled.
“Do you know how he’s doing?”
“I, uh, I think it’s better? He’s not having a seizure anymore...”
“And he didn’t choke to death on his own puke. Jesus, we must be doing something right. If this fucker lives through this, he’ll have time to tell me who gave this shit to him, and then I swear to God I’ll rip out his fucking intestines and strangle him to death with them.”
“Uh, Karkat, I don’t, uh, think you-”
“No, trust me. That’s how it works. Save someone’s life and then you own them for the rest of yours. Somebody owes me something for this. And I owe someone a foot to their face. Several people. Hundreds. While I kill Gamzee for being this fucking stupid, I might as well kill everyone else, too. Why the fuck not? I might as well-”
“KK, what the thit are you thcreaming about?”
Karkat turned to see Sollux in the hall, and Aradia taking off her shoes behind him.
“You stupid fuck! Where the fuck were you, you-you slimy piece of grub jizz! You said you’d be home! And you weren’t and now look at this! Look at this!”
“KK, what are you-oh. Oh thit.”
“No fucking shit, ‘shit’.”
“When did thith happen?”
“Today, you ignorant line of come! In fact, it’s still happening!”
Aradia had walked up to the living room entrance, taken one look at Tavros and Gamzee, and collapsed on the floor beside them. Without saying anything she took his pulse- counting the heartbeats and seconds on his wrist.
“What’s wrong with him?” The usual soft but insistent tone she used with Tavros sounded on the verge of breaking.
“Uhm...”
“Tavros, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“Uh..”
“He fucking OD’d is what happened!” Karkat broke in, “What else would it even be with this stupid motherfucker! Are you surprised? I wasn’t surprised! I’m surprised he was still breathing when I walked in here!”
Aradia stood up and put her hands on her hips. She looked at Gamzee laying comatose on the floor, and then up at Karkat.
“Karkat. Shut up.”
The room was silent for a moment while Karkat realized who was speaking to him.
“What?”
“I said shut up. You’re not helping.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, you-”
“Karkat. Shut. Up.”
“You-”
“Shut up.”
“Hmph.”
“I’m, uh, still kind of... covered in barf...”
Aradia huffed.
“Karkat, go get some of your pajamas and give them to Tavros. Sollux, we’re going to move Gamzee and get him cleaned up and into bed.”
“Who made you the boss-bitch, Aradia?”
“KK, jutht thut up and lithten to her.”
“Whipped.”, he muttered as he stomped upstairs.
What did he have that would fit Tavros? Did he actually care? He rummaged through his drawers, looking. Star Wars pajamas. No. The super fluffy ones. No. The pink Happy Bunny ones that Terezi gave him for their six months ‘anniversary’ because she was an asshole. Fuck no. God, why did he still have those? He muttered under his breath and just kept looking. An older shirt and a pair of Gamzee’s bowling pin pajamas. How did Gamzee’s clothes even get in his drawer? Whatever. This was what was happening. The puke rag needed something else to wear, and it might as well be Gamzee’s clothes.
He had to wait at the stairs as Aradia and Sollux awkwardly maneuvered Gamzee upstairs and into his room. Tavros was still sitting in his festering puddle of vomit when Karkat walked into the living room. He didn’t look up, but stared at his hands on the floor.
“What?” said Karkat.
“He, uh, he woke up for a few seconds, I, uh, think.”
“What?”
“Aradia and, uh, Sollux were still kind of, um, cleaning him up, and he uh, woke up for a minute.”
“What did he say? Did he tell you where he got this crap? Did he tell you what it was?”
“Uh, n-no. He just kind of, um, looked up at me and uh, he asked if it was me... I said yes... and then he kind of cried a bit and um, he um, said that I was, uh, already dead when he found me. Then he said he was sorry.”
“He said what? Did he say anything else? to anyone else? What the fuck. Tavros, what the fuck?”
“I, uh, I don’t know! He, uh, didn’t say any-anything else to anyone! That was all he said before he fell asleep again!”
“How did he do that?”
“I don’t know!”
“Jesus fuck.”
Karkat didn’t know if he should have been relieved or distressed. He dropped the pyjamas on a relatively puke-free spot on the floor and felt an uncomfortable squirming sensation in his stomach when Tavros recognized the pants as Gamzee’s. Shit- what had gone on while he was upstairs? Blinking furiously, Tavros reached out and closed a hand around the purple flannel.
“I’ve got... Happy Bunny PJ’s, if you want those.”
Tavros looked startled by the offer before shaking his head.
“N-no... No, these are, uh, fine...”
It was hard to look away while Tavros struggled to undress, wriggling out of his barfy clothes. Onto the still kind of puke ridden floor. Maybe he should have helped him onto the couch or something first. It was a bit late for that. Tavros had already changed his shirt and squirmed out of his old pants. Hopefully the new set of clothes would stay clean enough to keep. When Tavros was done, he crawled back into his wheelchair. Gamzee’s clothes actually... fit him. Weird.
“I think I should, uh, call Macey.”
“What? You can’t go home like that, Tavros. Too many questions. Jesus, are you stupid?”
“N-no. I was, uh, going to, uh, c-call and ask if I could st-stay the night? Just so she, uh, doesn’t worry.”
“Why didn’t you just say that, moron? The phone is in the kitchen.”
He wheeled himself away as Aradia came down the stairs.
“And here I thought you had put the boy to bed and were fucking.”
“Shut your whore mouth.”
“Excuse me, princess.”
“If you quote another meme at me, so help me you will die. You think I don’t have to deal with that... you know what? Forget it. You guys should just come upstairs. Gamzee has a giant fever, and I don’t know what to do about it. Sollux is up there with a handcloth and some cold water but I don’t really think it’s helping and I just can’t deal with your shit right now.”
“Fuck.”
Karkat started for the stairs before Aradia stopped him.
“You have to get Tavros up there, too. Remember?”
“Fuck.”
“Uh, y-yes?”
“Tavros,” said Karkat, “how do you lower a fever?”
“Uh... Advil is supposed to help break fevers, but he’s, uh, not awake to take one, is he? So I, uh, guess that’s not possible... So, uh, we should keep blankets off of him, and make sure he’s not wearing any, uh, really warm clothes, and-”
“And this is stupid. Anyone could figure that out- isn’t there-”
“Karkat! Shut up! You asked, and now you’re yelling because you’re too much of an idiot to take good advice! Go get the Advil! Right. Now.”
“Tell me the rest while I get you upstairs, Tav. Let him freak out down here by himself.”
“Uhm...”
He didn’t actually have much of a choice. Aradia took his arms and slung him over her shoulders like some kind of dangling monkey. His feet still dragged on the floor behind her.
“Geez, Tav, how tall are you anyway?”, she asked as she walked them up the stairs.
“Uhm...”
Karkat shook his head and went into the kitchen. The medicine cabinet wasn’t exactly a cupboard he frequented, but he still knew where it was and which one was Advil. Maybe he should bring something for Gamzee to puke into, too. He woke up once, that was good, right? So being prepared for him to wake up again. Yeah. And more puke. Fuck. He grabbed a kitchen bowl and the Advil container and booked it upstairs.
When he got to Gamzee’s room, Aradia and Sollux had managed to get Tavros comfortably situated on the bed with his legs dangling over the side, the unconscious troll’s limp hand in his lap. Sollux was crouched next to him, still mopping at Gamzee’s face and neck with a damp cloth. Aradia stood off to the side, her arms wrapped around her middle in a tight embrace - Karkat guessed she was at a loss with nothing left to do.
The man of the hour had never looked shittier. Sweating enough to give Equius a run for his money, his damp hair clung to his face, and there was a flush to his cheeks rising like a purpley-blue bruise beneath his skin. They must’ve taken his puke-soaked clothes off at some point before putting him to bed, leaving him in nothing but his boxers beneath the sheet they’d draped over him up to his breast bone. For the first time since he’d blacked out, his breathing was audible: rasping and laboured, the sound filled the room every time he took a breath. Fuck.
“He needs a doctor,” Aradia pointed out gravely.
“Like he needs a hole in the head. Take him to the hospital, and you’re giving the media a free pass to wipe their asses with us and send us right the fuck back to sterilized Hell.”
Karkat flopped himself down on the lime green beanbag chair next to the war zone that was Gamzee’s desk, his head in his hands.
“Yeah, and if he dies we’re so much better off. The Media won’t care about that- alien randomly dies. Autopsy reveals drug overdose. All his friends were right there! Not turning him over to medical care, because they were scared to get in trouble.”
“Aradia, we are one hundred percent fucked either way!”
“But one way he doesn’t die!”
“He could just as easily die with a doctor right beside him as Tavros! What do they actually know about how we work! Shit all! What will they do in Emerg? Hook him up to a water drip and sit and watch- exactly what the fuck does it look like we’re doing?”
Tavros was crying again, gripping Gamzee’s hand. Sollux just sat, still dabbing water on his friend as Karkat stood panting, inches away from Aradia’s face. He didn’t even remember getting up. This was no good. He knew it, and Aradia knew it and everyone else in the room knew it- screaming was getting them nowhere but distraught and caught. Shut up. Karkat sat back down and Aradia took a seat on the floor.
“W-we could, uh, put him in recovery position again...maybe it would help?”
Karkat looked up from his hands.
“Why the fuck not?”
***
He surfaced into the light, still rank as the sea before. Tavros?
“Uh, y-yes? Gamzee?”
Oh, Tavros. He didn’t deserve any of it. Oh, Tavros, you were already dead. Dead. And it made me laugh- because I didn’t do it. Someone did it for me. But I’m not that anymore- I promise- I can’t promise- but I’m sorry. So sorry. I never want that again. Tavros, I’m so sorry. The sea started at his eyes and took him under it again. He breathed in the death-sea and choked on it as it started to boil. The bones under the silt came to dance around him. Salt bleached horns and scales. They whispered to each other. Secrets about him. The horrible truths about him. He clenched his fists in the sand and they batted against him. Something took his hand and he was lying down inside silenced voices and loud breathing.
“That just changed.”
“I know it did- is he waking up again?”
What is happening?
“Gamzee? Gamzee?”
Yes.
“It’s a fucking miracle- he’s not-”
No. No, no, no. The miracles were lies! You can’t trust the miracles. The dark carnival has no good miracles- not for us. Not for you. It’s heart is bad. Heavy! It doesn’t beat because it is dead. The miracles are dead. Not you. Not you. Not you. The breathing was so loud. Everywhere. It was everywhere all around him and it evaporated the sea into dunes. Sand filled his mouth and throat, scratching and suffocating every time he tried to breathe. Still, the sound of air rushing in and out of his lungs overwhelmed his ears. He tried to call for help, to call out to Tavros, but he couldn’t hear his own voice through the breathing. I tried. I tried to find you. We were going to paint the walls together. You were already gone. The miracles were over. The voices were getting louder, individual words making themselves heard over the constant drone of breath.
“... coming around again... … you hear me...?”
Tavros? He could feel a cool hand against the side of his face, and he leaned into the touch. His mouth felt like it was plugged with cotton as he tried to speak.
“Shit. Keep him awake.”
Another familiar voice, followed by sounds of scrambling.
“Get him some water. Where’s the fucking Advil?”
“Someone should, uh, talk to him.”
Tavros...
“I-I’m here, Gamzee...”
“Is he still awake? Give him this before he passes out again.”
One hand pushed something small and tasteless between his parched lips while another slid beneath his head. An instant later, someone was holding a glass up to his mouth.
“Can you get him to drink? Make sure he keeps it down.”
Suddenly, he was drowning from the inside. Water filled his mouth and throat, and he couldn’t feel Tavros’ hand anymore. He sputtered against it, trying to clear his airway, but the water kept coming.
“N-no. Uh... do this.”
Something massaged the outside of his throat and the water went down in a gulp. Then he was drowning again. Another gulp. Drowning. Another voice sounded, but it was far away again. Maybe it was saying his name. The glass was gone. Maybe it wasn’t saying his name. Maybe it was just the roar of surf beside his hive. The sun was just coming up. He opened his eyes and it was dark. The sun was just coming up, but if he opened his eyes, it was dark. Someone was asleep by his legs. Someone else snored on the floor, and vague noises came from out the door. The sun was just coming up- he should probably go inside. The sun was coming up- he should probably sleep.
***
Something knocked from upstairs. It was Aradia that looked up first, to see Gamzee awake and stumbling down them. She jumped to her feet as everyone else looked up. Gamzee stopped. The rest of them just stared. Tavros looked at his hands and hiccuped.
“You..”, started Karkat, “You stupid fuck!”
Gamzee winced.
“You stupid, grub of a bitch! What the fuck was that? What the fuck did you think you were doing?”
Tavros hiccuped again and Aradia handed him a napkin.
“Your voice is loud, little brother.”
“I don’t fucking care how loud I am, Gamzee. What the fuck was that?”
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost two thirty.”, said Aradia.
“We think you almotht died, Gamthee.”
“Shit, brother.”
“No fucking shit you almost died! And I’m going to kill you if you don’t sit your sorry ass down here, tell me what that shit was and where you got it!”
Gamzee stayed where he was and put one hand to his ear.
“Quiet your voice, little brother.”
“I will not fucking ‘quiet’ my fucking voice, you stupid piece of shit! We stayed up all night worrying and keeping you alive and the least you can do is sit down here and be sorry about it, you asshole!”
“J-just come sit, uh, sit down, Gamzee.”
He sighed and came to the table. Pulling up a chair, he mussed Tavros’s hair.
“I’ll be alright, my wheely brother. No need for getting all teared up like that.”
Tavros had been sniffling before, but then real tears budded in his eyes.
“N-no. You were h-having hallucinations and you threw up and y-you screamed in your s-sleep and we stayed up all night try-trying to keep your fever down and I was so scared you were going t-to, uh, die right in front of m-me! It w-wasn’t alright.”
Gamzee looked even more pale as he fell into his chair next to Tavros.
“You look like thit.”
“You’re still shaking.”, said Aradia, “That’s not exactly what I would call alright. You’re lucky to be alive at all, let alone... this okay. Walking, talking, trying to weasel your way out of facing the fact that you really were in danger. You were lucky, Gamzee, and you should tell us what that was and where you got it. Karkat won’t stop foaming until you do.”
Gamzee hummed, deep in his throat, then sighed. He rubbed his eyes as he said,
“Was supposed to be... pures. Something close. E cut with Meth- s’what Eridan said it was, but...”
“But what?”, growled Karkat.
“But pures wouldn’t have done that.”, said Aradia.
“Yeah, probably not.”
“You overdothed, Gamthee, or you came pretty clothe. You puked and had a theizure, that’th an overtothe, ithn’t it? I’m pretty thure you can do that on whatever drugth it’th pothible to actually take... if you overdothed- how the thit are you moving right now?
Everyone looked at Sollux in the dead silence.
“What? That’th an overdothe, right? Didn’t we all agree that’th what it wath?”
“Shut up, Sollux.”, growled Karkat, “Where did you say you got it?”
He looked at Gamzee expectantly. Gamzee stared back. There were circles under his eyes- he was pale and still sweating. God fucking damn it.
“Eridan.”
“Yeah. I thought that was what you said.”
“Listen, brother, I don’t think he meant nothing by it... Didn’t know how strong the shit was.”
Karkat shot Gamzee an appalled glare.
“Yeah, I’ll bet he didn’t. But he sure as shit is going to find out.”
Gamzee cleared his throat again, swaying just a bit in his seat. Tavros looked at him and wheeled himself over to the sink. He grabbed a glass sitting on the counter and filled it with water. Wheeling himself back with one hand he slammed it down in front of Gamzee.
“Uh, drink this.”
He went back to sitting at the table and looking at his hands. Gamzee blinked and took the glass- first in one hand, then both- before raising it to his lips.
“I should probably go home soon.”, said Aradia.
“Y-yeah. Uh, me too.”
“Come on then, Tavros. I’ll get you to the bus stop. Do you have change?”
“Uh, yeah, I should have enough...”
Gamzee’s expression was pinched as he swallowed a mouthful of water and set the glass down.
“You can stay if you want, fuzzy brother.”
“What? So he can sit around watching you sleep once you haul your ass back to bed?” Karkat interrupted. “Wasn’t enough that he sat around wearing your puke. Let him go home.”
Shoes and coats were gathered while Gamzee drained the rest of his glass, avoiding eye contact. He stood long enough to pull Tavros into an awkward embrace before he left, whispering something in his ear that made him put his arms around him in turn.
“Thanks, man...” he rasped, unsteadily retreating for the staircase. “You too, sister.” He raised his hand in a tired wave before half-staggering up the stairs. Karkat followed suit and closed the door behind him.
***
“HEY ERIDAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER SCHOOL TODAY?”
Karkat clicked send and put his phone back into his pocket. Ten minutes left in lunch break- he better respond soon. He only wanted to talk to Eridan. Only talking. Somehow it was Friday again, and he hadn’t seen any of the West Van Trolls. Tavros had called once, to see how Gamzee was doing, and Equius has checked up in a similar fashion, but not Eridan. Fef had texted him, and Jade had even stopped by on Tuesday to give them a tomato plant and see how everyone was doing. But Eridan had just left dead space. Karkat had asked Gamzee and Sollux if they had seen or heard from him, and they had both said no.
God damn it, Eridan. The least he could do was say sorry, but that was apparently just too hard, so here he was texting that douchebag to try and get some kind of... apology? Explanation? He wasn’t sure what kind of talk he was going to have with Eridan, but god damn he was getting some closure on this shit. If he would only respond and get this over with. He couldn’t avoid them forever. He might try, though. Asshole.
Halfway through Math his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was Terezi, asking if he understood why Hamlet was such an asswad. He texted back that he was studying Othello, so he had no idea why Hamlet was an asswad. Maybe it was sea dweller blood. She didn’t respond to that. Packing up his Math binder, his phone still hadn’t buzzed again. He muttered under his breath as he went to his locker and loaded his things into his backpack. He sorted through the slips of paper that had been slipped through the top grates. There was usually at least one every day. Phone numbers with names under them, hate mail, religious pamphlets... once someone asked about troll genitalia. He didn’t really look at them today, just threw them into the recycling bin across the hall before going to meet Sollux and Gamzee for the walk home.
“KK, you’re muttering to yourthelf again. Thtop it. It maketh you look crathy.”
Karkat looked up.
“What?”
“You’re muttering, little brother. Like you got a ghost on your shoulder.”
“What the thit, Gamthee. What doeth that even mean? Thtop it, KK. I’m tired of the grade eightth throwing pineconth at uth.”
“I’m not muttering, fuckasses.”
“Sure thing, little brother.”
“Well, whatever then guth.”
They walked the rest of the way in silence, until Karkat’s phone buzzed again. He fished it out of his pocket and read the text while they walked.
“wwell im at the mall wwith fef she needs some neww shoes for grad cruise i guess i could meet wwith you after at wwaves wwhy?”
Karkat sneered. He flipped the phone over and began to type.
“THAT’S SOME SHITTY COFFEE SHOP, RIGHT? WHERE AND WHAT TIME?”
He clicked send and waited, but his phone stayed quiet all the rest of the way home.That fucker. No manners. He was fucking reaching out here, and Eridan could at least give him the time of day. But again, no. That was just too hard. He scowled as he unlocked the door and Gamzee and Sollux skirted around him in a race to the playstation. He heard them start up some stupid racing game. Two and a half hours of distracted English homework later his phone buzzed again.
“i’ll be at the wwaves on lonsdale in twwenty minutes”
Fuck. That gave him absolutely no time. He dug for bus change in his pocket and looked at the clock. The buses still came every fifteen minutes... he needed change for the way back, too. Shit. He dug around in his backpack, and then Sollux’s until he had enough, then booked it out the door.
Running to the bus stop, he caught his bus just as it was pulling out of the stop. He paid the driver and sat down panting in the single seat right behind him. This was the lamest seat on the bus, but at least no one could sit beside him. Fuck, he hated the bus. The other advantage of this seat was you could see where the hell you were going. Waves. It was some coffee shop on the bottom of Lonsdale... but which street? He didn’t know. Eridan, you stupid fuck, not everyone wasted their time watching youtube videos in free wifi cafes.
He would just have to pay attention once the bus turned onto Lonsdale. He pushed the stop button beside him when he saw the blue sign proclaiming “Waves” down the hill a bit. With a woosh of bus doors he stepped onto the sidewalk. Eridan was easy to spot. He sat on the patio, sipping something from a lidded to go cup as he read the Georgia Straight. Karkat waited until he was mid-sip before he came up behind and flicked him in the head.
“Hey, fuckass.”
Eridan sputtered his coffee all over the escort adds he had been skimming over. He closed his paper and turned in his chair, pouting.
“That wwasn’t vvery nice, Karkat.”
Karkat just stood there.
“You’re the one that wwanted to meet me, Karkat- you could at least answwer me. Unless you wwanted to talk to me somwwhere more... privvate?”
Oh God. This was where this was going, wasn’t it? How did he even remember to breathe? Fuck. Fuck. Eridan, you stupid fuck. Fuck. Bluh. He might as well go along with it for now. Karkat wasn’t eager to talk about what a shitface Eridan was in front of an entire fucking coffee shop. He clenched his fists.
“Yeah, sure. There’s a park right over there with stairs or a bench or something.”
Eridan smiled as he stood up. He left his paper on the table, but picked up his drink. With the hand not occupied by coffee, he patted Karkat on the back.
“You sounded kind of upset before, is something wwrong that you wwant to tell me about?”
“I just need to talk to you, Eridan. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“Oh, it’s okay Karkat. I wwould nevver disrespect your privvacy.”
Karkat shot him a sideways glance.
“Yeah. Sure you wouldn’t. Can we just go to the fucking park?”
“Of course.”
He let Eridan parade him down the street to the park, his hand still on Karkat’s back. Karkat stiffled. The park wasn’t actually terribly private, so Karkat picked a spot on beside the little bridge over the fountain to stop and remove Eridan’s hands from all over him.
“I need to talk to you about Gamzee.”
All the colour drained from his face.
“Wwhat do you mean?”
“What the fuck was that shit you gave him? Why the fuck did you give it to him?”
“It wwas just supposed to be E! Wwith a bit of Meth in it to make it start faster! I swwear!”
“And if you didn’t want it, why did you buy it?”
“Wwell... it wwas more givven to me than I bought it... Alistair gavve it to me.”
“And you trust Alistair, he’s a right upstanding kind of asshole. That’s why you didn’t want it?”
“Wwell-”
“So you knew it was shit, and you gave it to Gamzee anyway, knowing full well that he would fucking take all of it in one fucking go! You knew it was draino, icing sugar and powdered shit and you gave it to him anyway!”
“I couldn’t keep it! If Macey found it, I’d be in so much trouble!”
Eridan’s voice was getting shrill, and if there had been any passers by they would have been looking at them. The sun wasn’t technically down yet, but it was chill enough that most shoppers and pedestrians had already gone home. Thank god for small favours.
“So you couldn’t have just thrown it away? No, of course not. Of course fucking not. You had to give it to Gamzee- he almost died, you selfish, shit licking cunt!”
“It wwasn’t my fault he took it all!”
“You had to have known he would! Everyone knows he would! Are you fucking stupid?”
“I’m not stupid! And besides,” he said, waving his hand at Karkat, “he wwas fine in the end, Karkat. You really should havve some faith in-”
Karkat grabbed his hand and tugged it down, sending Eridan off kilter. As he staggered, Karkat’s fist found his face, and sent him flying in the opposite direction.
“Wwhat the fuck, Kar? Wwhat wwas that for?”
Eridan touched a ringed hand against his cheek where he had been hit, looking indignant. This didn’t stop Karkat from filling the space between them and taking another swing at him, knuckles colliding with Eridan’s nose. Eridan had the sense to raise his arms before he could deliver a blow to knock his glasses off his face, backing himself into a garbage can as he tried to avoid Karkat’s fury.
“I didn’t knoww he’d take it all! I swwear, I didn’t...”
Karkat interrupted his excuses by grabbing at his scarf, getting in his face with bared teeth.
“I’ll bet you didn’t, you stupid fuck. I’ll bet you didn’t even fucking care. You just wanted that shit off your slimy, hairy palms!”
His flinching only enraged him further. He might have let him go, if he wasn’t being such a goddamn limp noodle. The fucker wouldn’t even fight back... He didn’t remember going in for another punch, but the next thing he knew, his hand was throbbing and there was blood trickling from Eridan’s left nostril. They spent a moment blinking at each other in shock while Eridan gripped his nose in both hands. Karkat could only see it as a way to leave himself open for attack, drawing his arm back for another blow, but the fruity bulgesucker was quicker. The sound of rings against skin filled the air as the back of Eridan’s hand found his face. Shit. He rebounded with a kick that connected just above Eridan’s hip. Eridan curled over, giving Karkat a chance to breathe, before he came in with a hook to his ribs. He jumped back, avoiding the worst of it and kicked at the inside of Eridan’s thigh. It connected and he yelped as he lost his balance. Karkat came in under Eridan’s flailing fists for a punch, and took an elbow to his right eye. Eridan grabbed his shoulders, trying to get a hold and Karkat bit him. They grappled for a while, Karkat biting and punching at Eridan’s ribs. Eridan returned the favour with a knee to Karkat’s groin. He hissed at that, but came back with an uppercut that sent Eridan sprawling.
When Eridan showed no sign of getting back up, Karkat spat out the blood in his mouth and walked over.
“If you ever pull another stunt like this, you grub of a whore, I’ll kill you myself. Got it?”
Eridan sniveled yes on the pavement.
“Right. Don’t cry until you get home, then.”
He turned and left him there on the ground dripping his high blood all over. The few people left on the street stared as he waited at the bus stop. At least it was dark enough that they couldn’t see the worst of it, anymore. He jangled the bus change in his pocket. Fuck, this was going to be a long ride home.