Chapter Text
“Adora, I’m gay.” It’s so quiet she wouldn’t be surprised if Adora didn’t even hear her. But the room is quiet too, they’ve been studying since they got to Adora’s place over an hour ago. She knows Adora heard her though, when the scratching of her pencil on paper stops abruptly.
Adora is sitting perpendicular to Catra, leaned up against her bed with her notebook balanced on her knees and her textbook laid beside her. By contrast Catra flopped down to her belly on the soft purple rug the minute they walked in the door before demanding Adora go forage for snacks. She hasn’t moved from the position since then. She does now though, sitting up to mirror Adora’s position just with nothing to support her back, hugging her knees protectively and inspecting the tear on the knee of her black jeans. She feels uncharacteristically small and vulnerable, stripped of her brash attitude and smug self-confidence.
She’s been struggling for weeks trying to figure out how to tell her best friend. She could lie to herself, well she fucking tried to lie to herself, about why she’s so damn terrified to tell Adora but she knows. Somewhere in her subconscious she’s sure she’s known forever. After all it’s not like she has any doubt that Adora will love her just the same after revealing this part of herself. Therein lies the problem however, Adora will love her just the same and that’s not really how she wants to be loved by Adora anymore.
“I- how di-did you…” Adora sighs, clearly struggling to find the right words. That’s Adora, always struggling so hard to do the right thing, to make sure everyone is happy. It’s obnoxious and fucking charming as all hell, all at once. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share this part of yourself with me Catra.”
When Catra looks up and makes eye contact Adora pushes her shit to the side and inclines he head toward the spot next to her. Catra moves because, as tortuous as the casual physical intimacy of their relationship has become, she finds comfort in the touch of her best friend. Resting her head in the crook of Adora’s neck is familiar and warm. “Thanks.” Catra also doesn’t know what to say here, not really.
Adora hums and Catra feels it reverberate through her own body. “Do you want to talk about it or…” Catra just shrugs. What else is she supposed to say? One load off her chest feels like enough for today and it’s not like there’d be any fucking point to telling her straight best friend that her feelings have evolved from ‘I love you like a gal pal’ to ‘I love you like a lover and hey can I kiss you please?’ “You don’t have to but…we can. Now or later, I’m always here for you. Do you want to talk about like, how you figured it out or like how you’re feeling or…? Are you ready to be out or is this just between us for now?”
Catra sighs, she doesn’t totally want to hash this all out, but did she really expect Adora not to ask? Isn’t this kind of why she wanted to tell Adora, to have someone to spill out all the shit cycling through her mind to? “I dunno, I just…we never talk about guys.”
“R-right.” Adora’s got a weird look on her face with that. Shit, did she want to be talking about guys? Catra is so not up for that shit. Nah, Adora’s not the type to have something on her mind and not spill her fucking guts the moment she and Catra have some privacy. Must be because there’s literally no fucking way to know where Catra’s going with this. Why did she start here?
“I just, I mean you and I…we never have. But like, I’ve been hanging out with those girls for that science project and it’s like…most of what they want to talk about. And one of them asked who I liked. Like I automatically must be obsessed with some fucking guy, which ew, gross, pass.” Adora snorts “So I was all ‘ew, gross, fucking pass’ but they like fucking insisted there must be someone I was into and started asking all these questions…”
Catra gets lost in remembering Lonnie grilling her, ‘You’re seriously telling me not one guy here gives you butterflies? Or like, looks at you and you start tripping over your words? Or you’re just like...I dunno, into? Not even a celebrity?’ and her scoff and response of, ‘yeah, right like some idiot douche from school is gonna undermine my ability to function. And celebrities are dumb.’ Lonnie left her alone after that but she and Mermista kept gabbing about guys as they worked. Which was honestly good because Catra…Catra was officially trapped in her head thinking about the questions Lonnie had posed.
Adora’s a good listener and just sits, waiting for Catra to find her voice again, slowly stroking her arm up and down. It’s fucking mesmerizing and tethers Catra to the earth and she can’t decide if she loves it or fucking loathes it. “Anyway, they were asking me all these questions and talking about like…how a crush on a guy feels. And I realized I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Hey! Don’t talk about my friend Catra like that!” Catra chuckles and ignores that, aside from a gentle elbow in Adora’s ribs.
“I’m a fucking idiot because I’ve never felt that way about a guy but…I’ve felt that about girls. It just never occurred to me that might make me, y’know…”
“Gay.”
“Well…yeah.” Catra shrugs and the two sit in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Adora’s hand still tracing patterns on her arm.
Adora’s voice breaks the silence, her voice is unsure like she’s not sure if she should say what she’s about to. “I…you said you’ve felt that way about girls.” Catra’s face is on fire, she wonders if the flames might engulf her before she has to carry on with this line of conversation. At fucking least they’re not facing each other, it’s harder to lie to Adora when she can see her face. After all these years of friendship Adora knows all of her tells. Instead she just studies the stupid horse poster Adora hung on the wall when they were like, fucking eleven. Catra’s pretty sure Adora’s never even ridden a horse. She’s also pretty fucking certain Adora would die to. How did Catra fall for a fucking horse girl again? “I mean I was just wondering, is there…is there someone? Who you like I mean?”
Catra has to clear her throat a couple times before words will come out, and even when they do her voice is distorted. “Like…you mean besides Uma Thurman?”
They both laugh and Catra’s shoulders sag with relief, and maybe, maybe just a hint of disappointment. The tension is lifted, and Catra directs them back to their work before Adora can ask any more. Catra focuses so hard on her own work, avoiding any awkwardness that may linger, that she misses the fact that Adora doesn’t pull her text book back toward herself. She’s too busy studying Catra.
It’s been about a month since Catra came out to Adora and slowly she’s told pretty much everyone else. She was most worried about how her Aunt Carmen would react, she’s lived with her since she was a toddler and they’re close as fuck. Like, besides Adora, Carmen is her best friend. She came out at dinner. Adora came for moral support and let Catra nearly break her hand with the death grip she had on her with her own sweaty hand. Her aunt just took it all in stride and, based on the smirk she let slip Catra thinks maybe Carmen knew before she did. Not that she’d fucking ask. She did embarrass the ever-loving shit out of Catra when she made a comment about what a cute couple Catra and Adora made. Luckily while Catra blushed and hissed and spat out that was not the situation at all, Adora just laughed, a light blush spreading over her own cheeks.
So, everything was...fucking fine really, unrequited love for her lifelong best friend notwithstanding. Everyone at school seemed to expect her to fucking gay it up with someone right away but how was fucking beyond her. There was only one other out lesbian at their school, and she was a fucking freshman. Catra was so not desperate enough to date someone four years her junior.
Currently she was sitting in the passenger seat of Adora’s car, they’d parked at the beach with burgers and shit. Adora called it a ‘car picnic’, the charming, nerdy idiot. Adora wanted to go to the beach so bad after school and they’d bickered about whether or not it was too cold. When the rain started Catra won easily but Adora used the fucking puppy eyes to make this compromise happen. Whatever, at least the heat in her car worked. Catra toed off her shoes and went to put her feet on the dash.
Adora looked up from the bag of food and frowned at her. “Hey! What are you doing? You know the rules!”
“Uhm, I’m pretty sure you said no shoes on Swift Wind’s dash, am I wearing shoes Adora?” Catra smirked, she knew she’d win by a technicality. Also, because she’d used the car’s stupid name. She laughed so hard when Adora ‘introduced’ him, she told her it was a dumb fucking name but Adora had pouted. ‘Well I was saving it for my future Pegasus’ Catra had snorted ‘but I figured…cars have horse power so like…close enough?’ Another snort and a noogie and Catra had dropped it.
“Ugh, fine I’ll let you off on a technicality but I’m not sure what makes you think I want to smell your stinky feet while I’m eating. You’ve been wearing combat boots all day Catra!” Adora rolled her eyes but showed the bag minus her own food toward Catra, nevertheless.
They were both munching happily, watching the rain spatter the windows when Adora cleared her throat. It was that awkward clearing sound that meant she was about to say something she was anxious about so Catra crossed her legs in her seat and angled toward her as much as she could in the cramped car.
“So, I wanted to ask you something.” Adora was staring out the front window toward the water, unseeing.
“Uh-huh, I figured. Shoot.”
“A, uh, like a lesbian thing.” More throat clearing.
Catra laughed but sobered somewhat when she saw Adora looked disgruntled at that. “Sorry, sorry I just…what does that mean, a ‘lesbian thing’? Oh shit, please don’t ask me about scissoring! You know that’s not really a thing, right?”
Adora was flushing a deep read now and finally turned to Catra with an indignant look before returning her gaze to the beach. “That’s not- I’m- no! I mean yes, I know that’s not a- I’m not asking you about gay- gay- ugh I’m not asking you about…sex Catra! Jeez!”
“Okay, okay! Sorry, I’m just giving you shit! Ask away, young padawan and I will do what I can to share with you my knowledge of the sapphic world.” Catra gave her a solemn look.
“Jeez, you came out and really went full on lesbian, you know that?”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you.”
“Whatever, I mean sure, you’re welcome. What I wanted to ask is about…um-ugh! I don’t know how to ask what I’m asking!” Adora turned to her with a pout.
Catra, realizing just how real Adora’s stress was sobered up fully and for real this time. She reached a hand across the center console and rested it on Adora’s knee. “Hey, it’s just me Adora. I’m not sure if you’re worried your gonna like, fucking offend me or like embarrass yourself or something but…it’s just me and you won’t. So just…say what you’ve got to say, and we can make sense of it together.”
Adora sighed and took in a deep breath as if to steel herself and looked forward again. “Okay…right. So, when-when Lonnie was asking you those questions, about liking guys or whatever…what did-what did she ask?”
So not where Catra thought this was going, but all fucking right. “Uhm, fuck I dunno. Like…she asked me if any guys gave me butterflies, or like if they ever um, looked at me and I couldn’t talk. There was also some vague shit about just being ‘into’ someone or whatever.” Adora hummed thoughtfully, still staring at nothing. “Adora why are…why are you asking me this? Do you like…like someone?” Please say no, please say no, please for fuck’s sake do not break my heart here in this car and just say no.
“I’m not-I don’t…I’m not even sure how I feel Catra but I just…” She sighed again. “When you said…you told me you felt that way about girls.” Fuck why did Adora look fucking…teary? What the fuck was going on here? “You said, you told me like…Uma Thurman?”
“Um, I mean sure Adora, she’s fucking hot.”
“Okay but like…have you ever felt that way about someone that you…you know? Like for real, in real life?” Catra frowned and turned forward in her seat, now also staring at noting, or the beach or…anywhere but inside this car. And in turn Adora twisted as much as she could with the steering wheel blocking her way to stare at Catra.
She couldn’t lie, not when Adora was being so fucking…vulnerable and emotional. Catra just wished she knew what Adora was getting at! It was fine though, Catra could be honest about this without being honest about everything, about the Adora of it all. “I have.”
“Uhm, can I ask who?”
Catra started feeling trapped and agitated. She knew Adora would probably ask someday, at some point. She had just wished and prayed it would be after she figured out how to get over her, when she had some hot college girlfriend and they could laugh about what an idiot she’d been having a straight-girl crush on her best friend. She wasn’t so lucky apparently. “I don’t- I’m not…What are you asking me this Adora? It’s…it’s fucking embarrassing.”
“Why is it embarrassing?” Catra chanced a glance over at Adora, yeah, she was definitely fucking misty eyed now.
Catra let out some kind of noise that was part grunt, part sigh, part heartbreak. “Because Adora, I’m a dysfunctional, idiot fucking lesbian who’s developed feelings for someone who plays for the wrong fucking team. And it’s fucking awful because I knew, I knew even while I felt it all happening that I was gonna get my heart fucking broken and it happened anyway because-because love is fucking stupid.”
Adora let out a small gasp, but Catra didn’t look over this time, because now she was the dummy crying. “Oh.”
“Yeah, fucking ‘oh’.”
“I just mean…you’re in love.” Catra froze, she definitely had not meant to say that. She shrugged.
“I guess. Adora, can you please just tell me what all of this is about? I’m not-I don’t fully fucking appreciate laying my heart bare in this damn car without knowing why.”
“Um, right, that’s fair. I’m sorry Catra.” She was quiet for a minute and just when Catra started to think there was nothing else coming, “I’ve just…I’ve been thinking.”
“Uh-huh”
“We never talk about guys.” Catra startles, what? She looks into Adora’s eyes, she sees her own heartbreak reflected there and…this couldn’t possibly be what…what she wants it to be? “And um…I just always thought, I figured dating in high school wasn’t like in the cards for me or whatever. I wasn’t really into it. Cause um, I mean what do I want to spend my free time with some stinky dude for whe-when I could be, when I could be hanging out with my best friend instead.” Okay forget fucking misty eyed, Adora is straight up crying but Catra is too frozen in place to comfort her. “And I-I mean…that’s pretty gay, right?” Catra is aware, vaguely, of nodding slowly. Other than that, they just keep…staring at each other for what feels like, forever. “Catra?”
“Ye-Yeah?” It’s less talking, and more a breath that sounds distantly like words, like her own voice carried away by wind.
“Ca-Catra wh-who are you in l-lo-love with?” Catra thinks, by Adora’s expression that there must be only one right answer in the world. She hopes it’s the honest one.
“Adora,” The name feels like rose petals on her tongue. It’s soft and honey sweet, it’s all her love allowed to be expressed for the first time. “I love you, Adora. I’m in love with you Adora.”
Adora’s silent tears turn into sobbing and she throws herself over the center console and clings to Catra. It’s not a kiss, but it’s just as satisfying as she imagines kissing Adora could be. They’re hugging and in that hug Catra feels…everything. They stay in that position until they can’t, until muscles start to cramp, and tears begin to run dry.
“I’m in love with you Carta.” Adora is smiling and biting her lip. “And gay, also. I’m not sure if I was supposed to come out first or…”
Catra laughs, “You dope! It doesn’t matter, all that fucking matters is…is y-you love me.”
“I’m in love with you, to be precise.” How can she sound so smug when she was sobbing like, one fucking minute ago? Whatever, she’s so fucking hot. Catra can’t believe how safe it feels to think about Adora this way now. Hot, sexy, stunning, charming Adora. Who is in love with her. And gay.
“I can’t believe, I never expected…I just thought I was gonna carry this forever…all by myself.” A few more tears drip from her eyes and Adora leans over to wipe them away, she doesn’t pull them away. Catra reaches up and holds them there, against her cheeks and nuzzles into one side.
“I’m so sorry you hurt that way Catra, thank you for waiting for me to catch up to you.” She has a sweet half smile on her face she looks…she looks just like she really adores and treasures Catra. Catra never dreamed what it would feel like to be looked at in that way.
“Well worth the wait.” Catra closes her eyes and breathes in this moment.
“Catra?”
“Hmm?”
“Catra…can I…may I kiss you?”
Catra’s eyes pop open and she holds Adora’s gaze for a moment before she lets a smirk slip out. “You fucking better.”
As soon as Adora’s lips press to hers she sighs into the kiss and thinks, ‘oh yeah, well worth waiting for.’ And then she thinks nothing at all, completely consumed by Adora, and by their mutual love.
They spend the rest of the time they have before Adora’s curfew with Catra’s head in that familiar, warm spot in Adora’s neck, occasionally turning to kiss the spot where neck meets jawbone, both staring at the rain, the beach and nothing at all, breathing in this moment.