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Diffuse morning light filters in through the delicate white curtains giving the room the washed out grayed look of early dawn, but it doesn’t matter. The vibrant light of day exploding with colors couldn’t be any better than this moment right now. Marcoh said it might take time for his eyesight to fully return. He warned that even with a Philosopher’s Stone the human body isn’t black and white. He said his brain would need to learn to process images again, to relearn to see, but even though Roy knew the facts it didn’t make it any easier. He was certain that just like Ed’s arm was taken away his sight was gone for good in some twisted equivalent exchange he never even wanted.
But now he can see.
He rolls over to his side and blinks as he takes in the beautiful sight next to him. The night before he memorized her body with his hands, his lips, his skin sliding against every inch of her skin. Everything was a blur of light and dark, no clear images, and it made everything so much easier. The lines that wouldn’t be crossed couldn’t be seen especially after a few too many shared drinks. It might have been the aid of the alcohol that got them here, but without a doubt he’s never known a more perfect, beautiful, sobering experience than being with her.
Roy reaches out to brush a golden lock of hair from her face and he marvels at the familiar feel of her skin under his fingers. He’s never been able to see her like this before this moment but his hand already knows the touch of her smooth cheek. He brushes the soft strands behind her ear and a warm feeling fills his chest at the soft sigh she makes at his touch. Last night he’d have given anything to see her like this, but now he wishes he could lose it all again because this changes everything.
Riza reaches out, making a soft sleepy sound as she scoots closer to curl against his chest. He slides his arm around her and pulls her tighter, her warm weight against him feeling more right than anything he’s ever known. He closes his eyes and dips his head forward to inhale the scent of her soft hair: hints of smoke from the bar the night before, traces of vanilla and something else he can’t quite name. It’s a combination he’ll never forget and one he knows will always remind him of her and her alone. He should have waited. He should’ve given himself time to heal. But last night there didn’t seem to be any reason and heaven knows they’ve waited long enough. He buries his face in her hair and he knows he wouldn’t change this even if he could.
He feels her shift in his arms and he sighs softly when her lips brush against his neck. With his eyes closed he can almost pretend it’s the night before and he’s floating in a sea of not quite darkness. Her hand slides up his back and his runs down hers to cup her perfectly firm ass. His body is already responding to her touches and he wants to let go, to fall into this with her in the way they’ve only ever dreamed before. Riza lifts her head from against his neck and before he can say a word her lips are against his and he’s parting them without a thought.
Her kiss is a bliss he’s only ever imagined because no one else could ever kiss him like this. No one else in this world could ever know him the way she does and he can taste it in her lips, feel it with in brush of her tongue against his. She’s his soul mate, if there even is such a thing, and she always has been. From the time she stepped into his office in Eastern Command bound and determined to follow him through hell he knew there could never be any other. They were connected in a destiny forged on the bodies of those they’d killed. No one else could ever touch that, and he could never touch her.
Until last night.
Riza deepens the kiss and he knows he should pull away, but her body wraps around him and it’s impossible to deny her. He rolls her back onto the bed and kisses down her jawline to her smooth, perfect neck. He sucks lightly, careful not to mar her silky skin, and he gasps when her hands slide down his back to run over his ass. Her legs part beneath him and there’s no conscious thought involved as he shifts his hips and slides deep inside her.
Her groan mixes with his in the most perfect symphony he’s ever heard and he runs his hands between them to cup her rounded breasts. He wants to look at her, to memorize the ecstasy on her face but he can’t. He has to hold onto this as long as he can. Last night all the rules were broken amongst their shattered dreams for the future. He’d never be Fuhrer blind and she wouldn’t need to watch the back of a retired Colonel. The dream was over, just like the Elric boys’ quest to be restored. The future was forever changed and so were all the restrictions they’d laid down for so many years. His blindness was bliss and he squeezes his eyes shut to hold onto it for just a little longer.
Riza’s arms wrap around his shoulders as she joins him in a rhythm older than time, her body a perfect match for him as he knows his is for her. Her strong legs slide around his waist as if she were afraid of letting him go and he knows the feeling as he thrusts into her deeper. He wants this moment to last forever. He wants to live here in her arms and never come up for air. He leans forward to capture her lips again and he hopes with all his heart she doesn’t taste the salt in his kiss.
Sweet heat fills him all too soon and he tries to push it away but passion won’t be denied. Before he knows it his thoughts fade into the early morning light and all that exists is her body and his professing everything between them words could never say. Her hands grab at him, holding him tight as her body tenses and he knows he does the same. He slides his arms underneath her, pulling her even closer as the crescendo builds within their souls, and he feels the moment she shatters in his arms because he’s there with her saying the one thing he never allows himself to say.
“Riza….”
Some would say it’s just a name, but to them it’s always been so much more. She was his Lieutenant, his subordinate, his impeccable, dependable Hawkeye. But she was never Riza. She couldn’t be because he knew he could never utter her name without saying it this way. Her name is not a name to him because when he says it he says “I love you” with each sweet syllable. Her arms tighten around him and he knows she hears it. He’s never told her why, but somehow he has no doubt she’s always known.
Desire always cools much too quickly but never so quickly as today. He wants to remain wrapped up in her forever but subtle shifts between them both let him know he has to pull away. His heart aches as he slides out of her and he barely holds back a sob. He tries to turn away from her but her hand on his arm stops stops him. He lowers his eyes, still unwilling for her to see the truth, but there’s no hiding from her. It’s the reason she’s so right for him and the reason he knows this can never be.
“Roy?” Her hand caresses the side of his face and slowly lifts his chin to face her. The light from the windows cascades in around her and she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Hair a golden, tangled mess, lips kiss swollen and curled up in a sweet, satisfied grin and eyes unguarded for the first time since he’s met her. She steals his breath away because the love in her eyes is more than he ever thought possible. Never in his life has he seen her so happy, and never has he felt as much pain as when her face crumbles into despair. “You can see.”
The words are barely above a whisper but they are a knife to his heart all the same. He swallows hard and nods because he knows he won’t be able to manage the words. She bites her lip and hangs her head looking as defeated as he felt the moment he opened his eyes this morning. It kills a piece of him inside and he has the notion to gouge his eyes out right now, but even if he did it wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t still be the man she loves. He looks down at her hand on the white cotton sheets and reaches for it, squeezing it softly. Secretly he’d hoped things could be different, that they could find away, but Ishval wrote their destinies in blood and sand and it can’t be ignored just because they want it to be.
“Maybe it’s not permanent.” It’s a fool’s hope, and one he shouldn’t even say but she squeezes his hand back all the same. It’s hope and it’s more than they’ve ever had before. It’s an insane thing to cling to, but maybe, one day, they’ll be free of their obligations and be able to have this love again. She squeezes his hand lightly again then slowly pulls it away and he knows he has to go. It’s going to be hard enough for her to stay here after today, he doesn’t need to make it any worse for her.
Roy slips out of bed as soundlessly as he can, the weight of this morning and the night before so heavy around him it’s hard to even move. He dresses quickly, not allowing himself to cast the longing glances at her that his heart demands because it will just make it harder later. He’s already seen too much and he knows he’ll never, ever be the same. He walks toward the bedroom door and stops when she calls out his name, the one syllable shattering his heart with the anguish it contains.
He turns to look at her and he’s actually surprised to see all her emotions so raw on her face. He has no doubt he’ll never see her look at him so openly again. Her lips are parted and he knows what she wants to say, but it’s too hard and if she does they’ll never be able to go back to the way things were. He locks his eyes with hers, needing her to see, to know that he understands. He swallows hard and then tells her softly. “I know. Riza, I know.”
Her eyes shimmer and he feels a small measure of relief because she does know. He nods to her once then forces himself out the door and into the future they both swore to so long again. He will be Fuhrer one day, as long as he has his sight, he will see Amestris become the country it needs to become. He will be the dutiful soldier and he will give his mind, body and soul to his country. But never his heart. His heart is and will always belong to her.
“Riza….”