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he finds it in a box in kaito’s room.
the objects inside are arranged neatly, clothes folded with post-it notes atop of them, small knick-knacks placed where they won’t be crushed. there’s a letter on top of everything, one with tear stains coming from someone other than kaito. draped over the side, though, is the most notable thing dedicated to him.
his jacket.
shuichi is sitting on the vacant bed, clinging to the jacket as he rocks back and forth. it’s one of the only authentic pieces of the other that he has left, the fabric with print of the galaxy and large pockets he used to slip his hand into.
kaito always said that in the end, the jacket was practically as much shuichi’s as it was his.
shuichi wonders if he was planning for this. it’s too painful a thought, ultimately.
“i’ll name a star after you, sidekick! when you look into the sky, you’ll find it!”
these days, he’s found it easier to close his blinds and curtains than to actually look into the stars, because kaito never made it to see those damn things, so what’s the point? how can they look so beautiful, so untainted, when they never came in proximity to the man who loved them so dearly? how dare they?
the world is so, so unfair,
but it keeps moving.
he isn’t meant to remain in this house long. he’s meant to keep moving . his grandparents (who both outlived their grandson) are intending to come and have a private moment in the apartment, but he can’t bring himself to stand up and walk home. the very thought of permanently closing this piece of his former lover away is terrifying.
he’s already lost so much of him.
he misses him. he misses the way he would drape his jacket onto his shoulders, hugging him tightly as he awkwardly pieced together the ways to say i love you . he misses the feeling of having someone believe in him, trust him with his life and knowing-- foolishly thinking-- it will never come to that point. he misses being young and dumb, placing his heart in someone else’s hands and watching them tenderly care for it. he misses stargazing, training, existing around someone who always made him stronger.
he misses kaito so fucking bad, but he just pulls the jacket closer and sniffs it.
it still smells like him.
he cries into the fabric, eyes closed as he lets out sobs. when he used to cry, kaito would pull him into his arms, remind him how to breathe, illustrate all his strengths and all the things he needs to improve and motivate him to make changes in his life. he’d drive shuichi to his therapy appointments, treating him to a muffin and coffee from a cafe. he always supported shuichi getting sleep, but he’d pull shuichi out of bed for a meteor shower in a heartbeat.
shuichi always tried to help him, too, teaching him that he shouldn’t always be a hero, that he needs time for himself, that the world shouldn’t feel like it’s pressing down against him. it took time, but soon kaito started believing that, and things were really good.
god, he just wishes kaito told him. he’d search the world for a cure to kill the cancer that destroyed him, he would do anything for that. and maybe, maybe that’s why kaito never said a word. maybe kaito didn’t want to be saved, but that doesn’t make sense, because shuichi was always there for him and they were always eternal and kaito said he would never leave him, he promised, and-
and shuichi thought they would get married.
he stands up, wraps himself up in the jacket. he closes his eyes and he thinks of a black hole swallowing up a galaxy, wondering if it could ever be as warm as the fabric that ties him to his boyfriend, his dead boyfriend. he doesn’t think anything could ever be that warm again.
(when he leaves the house finally, numbly walking down the sidewalks they used to hold hands on, he looks at the sky that didn’t save kaito,
and he cries.)
--
“you said that star was called sirius, right?”
“yeah! and that one over there is-”
“polaris.”
“yes! you’ve got it!”
“ah, it’s really not that hard…”
“mm.”
“...”
“hey, shu?”
“yes?”
“i’m gonna name a star after you.”
“kaito-”
“right next to polaris. i swear it, sidekick. it’ll be the most beautiful one in the entire sky. shuichi saihara, blue star.”
“...”
“...”
“i love you.”
“i love you too. i’m never gonna leave you and vise versa, yeah?”
“yeah.”
--
dear shu,
nothing nonsense nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing i’m sorry for leaving you nothing nothing nothing nothing-
-kaito momota, luminary of the stars