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Starsky sat at a picnic table in the local park watching the storm rolling in from the ocean. He'd been there for a few hours, and knew he needed to head home because Hutch would be calling soon. He headed to his Mustang, tying to remember if he needed to go to the market before he went home because he didn't want to get out in the rain that was sure to come very soon. He started the car and headed out of the lot. When he got home, he checked the cupboards and the fridge, deciding that he had everything he needed to weather the storm. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and headed out to the deck, leaving the sliding door open so he could hear the phone. While sitting there enjoying his beer, Starsky's mind went back to what he'd been thinking of at the park. He'd been thinking about when he was married to his wife, Robin. That was a particularly rough time, especially for Hutch.
The guys had been together only a short time when Starsky met Robin Fields. He became enamored of her almost immediately, and knew he wanted to get to know her much better. He did the right thing and told Hutch about her. The three had gone out to dinner, and everything seemed to go well. Starsky began to spend more and more time with Robin, and soon, wedding plans started being discussed. When Starsky told Hutch about his and Robin's plans, Hutch was hurt, to say the least. He and Starsky talked long into the night, and Starsky came up with what became known as 'the arrangement'. Starsky told Hutch that he would come by when time allowed, and they could spend time together. Not wanting to lose Starsky altogether, Hutch agreed.
Starsky was brought out of his reverie by the ringing of the phone. He hurried in from the deck just in time to catch it before it stopped ringing.....
“Hello.....”
“Did I catch you at a bad time, babe?”
“Not this time..... I took care of that after lunch.....”
Hutch laughed after hearing that. Leave it to Starsky to come up with a funny line.....
“So what were you really doing?”
“Sitting on the deck, watching a storm roll in......”
“You think it's gonna be a bad one?”
“Hard to tell yet...... by the way, any idea when you can come home?”
“We've got five more stops, and that should be the end of it..... why?”
“Because I miss you, baby, and I kinda need to talk to you......”
“What's wrong, Starsk?”
“Nothing's really wrong, I just need to talk to you about some stuff.....”
“I promise I'll be home as soon as I can..... I'll call you tomorrow.....”
“Okay, babe.....”
“You sure you're okay?”
“I'm fine.....”
“I gotta go now..... I love you.....”
“I love you too, blintz.....”
Hutch reluctantly ended the connection, wishing Starsky was there with him. That was the one thing that Hutch hated about the whole 'celebrity' thing. He hated it when Starsky didn't come with him, instead choosing to stay at home and wait for him to get back. But all of that was about to change because Hutch was planning on telling his press agent that he wanted to take some time off, and that he had some definite ideas about future tours. As Hutch was waiting for sleep that night, he thought back to the phone call earlier. There was definitely something wrong with Starsky, but Hutch couldn't seem to pinpoint what it was. He knew he was on to something because Starsky called him 'Baby'. That was a pet name reserved for the bedroom only. If he knew he wouldn't catch hell for missing the rest of the dates on this tour, he'd be on the first plane back to Bay City. When sleep finally came, Hutch had decided that he really needed to find out what was bothering his man.
The next morning found Starsky feeling down. He was missing Hutch very much and wished he was there with him. Hutch had said there were five more dates before he could come home, and Starsky knew he would be counting the days until he could be with Hutch again. He went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, then started breakfast. While he was eating, he remembered how badly he'd treated Hutch during his marriage. He thought of how he lied to Hutch, how he made him miserable, and even though Starsky could have made the situation better, he didn't. To Starsky, it was easier stringing Hutch along with empty promises, and it damn near cost him everything. He felt so guilty for everything he'd done to Hutch, even though Hutch had forgiven him and moved on, the guilt was weighing heavily on Starsky, and he decided that he and Hutch needed to sit down and try to discuss how Starsky was feeling, and how he might be able to deal with it.
Meanwhile, Hutch was finishing a TV interview. After that, he had some magazine interviews to do, and by then it would be lunchtime. He was planning to call and check on Starsky and see how he was doing because he really didn't sound all that great the night before. After finishing interviews for the day, Hutch went back to his hotel to call Starsky. He didn't get an answer, thinking Starsky might be at the grocery store, or maybe he stopped in to see Huggy. He left a message on the machine asking Starsky to call him when he got the message. After leaving the message for Starsky, Hutch ordered lunch and then took a nap. Hutch had just got up from his nap when the phone rang. He snatched it up, hoping it was Starsky. It was his assistant, informing him that his presence was required at an informal get-together later that evening. Hutch tried to beg off to no avail. He got all the details, told his assistant he would be there, and hung up the phone. He placed another call to Starsky letting him know that he would be out for the evening, but would call him without fail the next morning. He told him he loved him and was missing him like crazy.
Starsky heard Hutch's message, and the one before it, but was in no mood to talk to his love at the moment. He'd gone to the cemetery to visit Robin's grave that day and didn't make it back home until late afternoon. Visiting his former wife's grave always put Starsky in a reflective mood. He wondered how things would have gone if she'd had the baby she'd miscarried, if she'd survived the surgery she had to have after she lost the baby, if he and Hutch would still have the arrangement. He was pretty sure that he and Hutch wouldn't be together. They damn near broke up for good right after Robin died. Starsky had gone to see Hutch, and finally noticed that Hutch used to be so happy to see him, but now he was so sad and defeated. Hutch had gone to the kitchen to get Starsky a beer, and when he came back to the living room he walked up to the back of the sofa and handed Starsky his beer and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Starsky pulled away and it hurt Hutch's feelings. Starsky realized his mistake and apologized to Hutch. He made the mistake of asking Hutch how long it had been since they had been intimate. Hutch replied that they had been intimate once in eight months.
Starsky gave that some serious thought, and was shocked that he'd treated Hutch so badly. He told Hutch that he needed some time to get his head together. That proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Hutch went on about having waited for Starsky, and now Starsky was asking for MORE time away from him. Starsky tried to molify Hutch with more BS, but Hutch wasn't having it. Starsky grabbed his jacket and left. When he shut the front door, Hutch threw his beer bottle at it, pissed to the max. Starsky heard the bottle hit the door, and realized that Hutch was beyond hurt, he was furious. He turned toward his car when he heard more glass breaking. He stepped back into the living room to see Hutch shatter the sliding door to the deck. Starsky yelled to Hutch, but he ignored him. Hutch continued until every window in the ground floor of his house was broken. When Hutch collapsed in tears on the living room floor, Starsky tried to clean the wounds on Hutch's hands. He got a sock in the jaw and was told to get out. Every time Starsky held Hutch's hands, those faint scars reminded him what he had driven Hutch to do. He wanted so badly to make them go away because the guilt would start eating away at him, and it made him so sad to think of the things he'd done to the man he loved.
Starsky fixed himself some dinner, but he didn't have much of an appetite. He managed to eat half of his food and put the rest in the fridge. He tried to watch TV for a while, but he couldn't seem to find anything to hold his interest. He really wanted to talk to Hutch, but knew from his message that he was busy. Starsky grabbed a beer and went out on the deck to watch the sunset. That made him feel worse so he finished his beer, locked up, and got ready for bed. As he lay waiting for sleep, images of Hutch floated around in his head. He wanted Hutch so much right then that it brought tears to his eyes. Just as Starsky reached for a tissue, the phone rang. Starsky snatched it up, hoping it was Hutch.....
“Starsky.....”
“Hi, babe.....”
“Hey, baby...... how's it goin'?”
“Everything's okay...... Starsky, have you been crying?”
“Just little bit..... it's no big deal......”
“It must be a big deal..... what's wrong?”
“I just miss you is all.....”
“I miss you too, babe....”
Starsky was trying like hell to hold back the tears, but he couldn't.....
“Hutch, can you please come home? Baby, I really need you....”
“I'll be home as soon as possible..... babe, can you hang on until then?”
“I think so, just please hurry, Hutch.....”
Hutch ended the call and started re-packing his bag. He left a note on his press agent's door, and caught a cab to the airport. He booked a flight, and sat waiting for said flight to be called. While he was waiting, he wondered what had Starsk so upset. He'd been fine when Hutch left town, and seemed to be fine each time they talked on the phone. All Hutch knew was that he needed to get to Starsky to make sure he was okay. Hutch heard his flight being called, so he grabbed his bag and went to the boarding area.
Almost two hour later, Hutch's plane touched down in Bay City. He grabbed his bag from the carousel and managed to get a cab. He gave the driver his address, and started worrying what he might find when he got home.
When they arrived, Hutch paid the man and gave him a generous tip for having to go all the way to the beach. He got his bag from the trunk and headed for the front door. When he got inside, he turned on the living room light and called out to Starsky. Getting no answer, he headed for the bedroom and what he saw when he got there broke his heart. Starsky was curled up in the fetal position holding Hutch's pillow fast asleep. Not wanting to scare him, Hutch called Starsky's name softly. Starsk shifted in the bed and said; “Hush?”
“It's me, babe....”
Before Hutch could react, Starsky turned the bedside lamp on and launched himself at his lover. He peppered him with kisses, and then all of a sudden, Starsky started to cry. Startled at Starsky's behavior, Hutch held Starsky as he cried. When the storm showed signs of subsiding, Hutch kicked his shoes off, removed his shirt, and stretched out on the bed next to Starsky. The tears started again, and Hutch, sensing that he needed to proceed with caution, gently asked Starsky what was wrong......
“I started thinking about you and how badly I treated you when I was married to Robin, and then I went to visit her grave today, and it made me think more about us. Hutch, you ain't mad at me for calling you home, are you?”
“No, I'm not..... I just want to know if you think you can get some sleep.....”
“You promise you'll be here in the morning?” Starsky's lower lip started to tremble again.....
“I promise I will be here in the morning, babe....... Come here........”
Hutch turned off the lamp and gathered Starsky to him. Starsky lay his head on Hutch's chest and relaxed in his lover's arms. The two men slept the rest of the night with no interruptions.
The next morning, Hutch awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and food cooking. He grabbed his robe and headed to the kitchen. The sight of Starsky made Hutch stop short and observe his lover. He looked haggard with his hair unkempt, two-day old fuzz growing on his face, and looking like he badly needed a shower. There was also the haunted look around his eyes that made Hutch want to grab him up and hold him until the haunted look was gone. He made some noise as he entered the kitchen so as not to startle Starsky, who turned around when Hutch came in......
“Morning, babe....”
“Hey...”
“Looks like you've been busy.....”
“Yeah, I thought I'd make us breakfast...... here's your health shake.....”
“Thanks, babe.....”
Hutch sat down at the table and had his shake. He put the glass in the sink and told Starsky he was going to take a quick shower. Starsky told him not to be long or his breakfast might get cold. Hutch laughed all the way to the bathroom. When he was finished showering, Hutch headed back to the kitchen to find his food on the table and Starsky almost finished. When Starsky was done, he put his plate in the sink and headed to take a shower. Hutch had finished eating and was doing the breakfast dishes when Starsky came back into the kitchen......
“Hutch, can we sit down and talk sometime today?”
“Sure..... I don't see why not......”
“I'm getting ready to go to the market. Is there anything I can get for you while I'm out?”
“I can't think of anything.....”
“Okay..... see you in a bit......”
“Be careful out there.....”
“I will, babe..... can I have a kiss?”
Hutch planted a kiss on Starsky as if he hadn't seen him in a year. Starsky returned in kind and set out for the market. While Starsky was gone, Hutch wondered what had upset Starsky the day before. Things were fine between them, no arguments or discord, yet something was on Starsky's mind that was really bugging him. Hutch sincerely hoped that whatever was bothering Starsky was something they could work out and Starsky be okay. Hutch went to unpack his bag and decided to do his laundry. Starsky arrived from shopping, and asked Hutch for a hand with the bags. Hutch asked Starsky why he'd bought so much stuff, and Starsky replied that they were going to need most of the stuff for the talk they needed to have. After getting everything put away, Starsky grabbed a beer for himself and one for Hutch and asked to meet him on the deck.
Hutch met Starsky on the deck and though he was full of questions, he knew better than to press Starsk. This was one of those times that Starsk would talk when he was ready. Hutch noticed the change come over Starsky as he gathered his thoughts. For some reason, Hutch felt a sliver of fear run down his spine because of the look on Starsky's face......
“Hutch, I know you're wondering why I called you home from your book tour, and I promise I'll explain everything as best I can. Please try to understand that I've been carrying these issues around with me since they happened, and I'm having a hard time letting them go.....”
“What's on your mind, Starsk?”
“A lot of it has to do with the way things were when I was married to Robin.....”
Hutch felt a cold chill run down his spine. The time frame to which Starsky was referring to was pretty rough, to say the least. Some of the evens that happened nearly caused Hutch to walk away from Starsky for good.......
“Before we start 'Q & A', what exactly brought this on, Starsk?”
“Hutch, I've been carrying around a whole bunch of guilt about the way I treated you and some of the things I did when I was married to Robin. It eats on me all the time.....”
“Starsky, all of that happened nearly three years ago! Are you telling me that this guilt trip you're on has lasted that long?”
“Something like that..... it comes and goes.....”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, there are times that it leaves me alone for a while, and then there are times like now that it really eats away at me.....”
“Babe, why didn't you say something sooner?”
“I was too embarrassed and ashamed , and I didn't want to hurt you by bringing up what happened.....”
“Starsky, this is something you shouldn't have kept bottled up.....”
“I realize that, but like I said, I was embarrassed and I didn't want to stir up bad memories for you.....”
Hutch thought that Starsky was being very considerate, but no matter what kind of memories it brought up, Starsky should have come to him and told him what was going on so maybe he could help in some way. But then again, Hutch knew exactly how it felt when someone felt they had no one to confide in......
“Starsky, babe, what is it that is bothering you so?”
“Remember how I used to tell you that I would come by and we'd spend quality time together......
“And you wouldn't show up, and when you did , it was to give me some half-ass excuse? I remember that..... I also remember you telling me that you didn't have time for me anymore and you offered no excuse, or no reason. What the hell was that about?”
Starsky looked away when Hutch mentioned that period of time. He hadn't wanted to tell Hutch the truth then, and even though he didn't want to now, he thought it best to get it over with and deal with the fall-out.....
“About that...... I had time, I just wouldn't make time.....”
“You mean to tell me that while I was here thinking that I was waiting for something that might never happen again, you could have been here but chose not to be???”
“Something like that......”
“Why didn't you want to be with me, Starsky? Afraid somebody might find out your dirty little secret?”
“You were never a 'dirty little secret', Hutch..... that's almost as bad as that crack you made once about being my 'part-time whore'. That hurt when you said that back then, and saying you were my 'dirty little secret' hurts now. I never felt that way about you......”
“Answer the question, Starsky..... why didn't you want to be with me???”
“IT HURT TOO BAD, OKAY?”
“There's no need to shout..... why did it hurt so much?”
“Because I was letting you down, I wasn't keeping up my end of the arrangement we agreed to, and I shouldn't have hurt you at all yet there I was lying to you, treating you like shit, and doing all the other things I swore I'd never do.....”
“Since all of this seemed important, why didn't you fix it, or at least try to do something about it?”
“Because every time I tried, something came up, or I got too busy.....”
“Is that why you told me that you didn't have time for me?”
“That was part of it.....”
“Go on.....”
“Please don't make me say it, Hutch.....”
“Don't make you say what, Starsk?”
“I didn't want to tell you, but when I told you I didn't have time for you, I was seeing someone else.....”
“Who was she? Anyone I knew?”
“No, his name was Scott Larson. He worked with Robin at the hospital, and sometimes had dinner with us.....”
Hutch felt like Starsky had just slapped him across the face. The thought of Starsky with another woman besides Robin was one thing, but another man? That wasn't like Starsky at all. Hutch wanted to know more......
“Another man, Starsk? That's not you style.....”
“I know, we were only together twice. I couldn't do anything for him either time because every time I looked at him, I saw you. I broke it off with him and tried to make a half-assed effort to fix things with you, but all we did was argue and stay at cross purposes.....”
“You certainly didn't try very hard, did you?”
“Honestly, I didn't..... I used our arguing as an excuse not to try making anything up to you, or do anything about our situation......”
“I remember a conversation we had when you found out that Robin was pregnant. I said something about calling it quits, and asking if I was supposed to keep being your 'part-time whore'. You told me that I wasn't a whore and that you didn't want to call it quits because you loved me too much to let me go. Do you remember that?”
“I do..... that was one of the worst days of my life..... you asked me if I still loved you, why didn't I show it.... I remember.....”
“Starsk, I honestly believe that the worst part was when you came to me and asked for time to yourself to get your head together after Robin died. All the hurt and anger came together and exploded.....”
“I remember, Hutch..... you have something that reminds me all the time about that night.....”
“What do I have, Starsky?”
Starsky took Hutch's hands in his and said; “These.....”
“You mean the scars?”
“Yeah..... every time I see them I feel so damn guilty because I'm the reason they are there in the first place.....”
“What do you mean?”
“If I hadn't upset you by rejecting your comfort, and pissing you off about wanting time to myself after neglecting you for so long, you would never have smashed all the window here in the house that night..... Do you remember me trying to stop you and bandage your hands?”
“I remember popping you in the mouth and telling you to get out.....”
“Hutch, I want you to know that I really am sorry how everything turned out during that time, and I want to know if you can ever forgive me....”
“Starsk, I forgave you when I told you we could be together. I don't hold any of what happened against you. Just consider it a lesson learned and move on.....”
“That's what worked for you?”
“It is....”
“Then I guess it can work for me, too.....”
“Come here, babe....”
Starsky rose and stepped into Hutch's arms, basking in the warmth and love he felt there. “Do you feel better now?”
“I really do.... I'm glad I found the courage to tell you what was on my mind, and I'm also glad you understand me so well..... I love you, Hutch.....”
“And I love you , Starsk.....”
END