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He’d taken her to the hut. It was the place they always seemed to end up when they needed to talk, when they needed to be alone. Azize no longer resided at the mansion, but no matter how hard she tried to acclimate herself, the shadows of the past could never be fully swept away from every corner.
She sat on the bed instead of one of the armchairs, unsure why but just going on instinct. He started a fire as he usually did. The nights were still chilly and there was no insulation in the simple cabin. She shrugged her coat off anyway, wanting to get more comfortable. He was there taking the coat from her before she finished freeing her arm. He lay their jackets on the backs of their respective chairs before returning to kneel on the floor in front of where she was sitting.
“Do you want anything? Tea?” he asked while taking her hands in his.
She shook her head, knowing he asked out of courtesy and that he was anxious to say what he brought her here to say.
“Then let me take your boots off, so you can be comfortable.” he was already sliding the inside zipper down and pulling one shoe from her heel before she could respond.
“Thank you.” she whispered as she looked at him both fondly and curiously.
One side of his mouth turned up in a small smile as he placed her shoes next to her nightstand. He rose then and walked around to his side of the bed, and she watched him as he moved. Something in the way he held himself told her that he didn’t just want to sleep cuddled together. He needed to ask her a question, the tension was there in his shoulders. The bed dipped where he sat to remove his shoes and she turned her body to sit cross legged facing him. When he turned to see her already looking at him, ready for whatever he had, a small look of shock crossed his face. It passed quickly though and he mirrored her position sitting to face her directly.
She thought about how they must look, like they were teenagers and he’d snuck into her room at night to talk and kiss. But that was so far from her reality that the thought floated away just as quickly as it came.
“Reyyan? Can I ask you something?”
She was pulled from her reverie by the obvious and yet sudden question. She looked up at him and smiled a little.
“Of course. I expected you might want to.”
“I just wanted us to be alone. No distractions, no excuses. You know?”
She did.
He was nervous. Not looking in her eyes. It made her feel uneasy.
“How- How can I help you heal?” his eyes finally met hers and she could see the earnestness there.
She was confused. They’d had this conversation before in a general sense. She wasn’t sure why he was asking this now after they had worked through many of their problems.
“I’m not sure what you mean…”
He looked down at his lap again, summoning courage. Then he looked into her eyes again with a new determination.
“I broke something very precious between us and I want to fix it.”
She instantly knew what he meant.
She had freely given herself to him that first night, but never again since. His leaving her wasn’t the only reason for her hesitance, but that was hard to understand let alone explain.
“It’s not that simple.” is what came out.
“Then tell me. I want to understand.”
She looked at him then, studied him thoroughly. When other times she had seen pity or desire or desperation, this time she only saw honesty. It was the first time she felt selflessness from him with regard to her guarded sexuality.
“Ok.”
He nodded at her to signal his readiness.
“You know my grandfather, how he treated me, how he thought of me. But you don’t know all the things that happened in my childhood. All the times and all the ways he hurt me.”
His jaw clenched and his eyes raged at the thought of Nasuh, but he stayed silent.
“Any drop of happiness that I felt was sucked dry at the first opportunity. If I voiced my desires they would be stripped from me or used as ammunition against me. So I learned to be silent.”
The memories flooded her heart, making it feel heavy and choked tight.
“He wouldn’t let me walk to my friend’s house or go to the shops alone even when I was old enough. I saw Azat and Yaren go out with their friends while I stayed home. I sat in the kitchen usually so at least I would have someone to talk to.”
“When I was in high school I had a dream to go to University and become a doctor. When grandfather found out he became very angry and violent. He forbade me from applying to any schools and after I graduated I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless I was accompanied by someone from the family. He told me I was an embarrassment to my family name. He feared that if I had indepence I would only use it to ruin our reputation.”
“So, I started waking before dawn and taking Mavi out before anyone was awake. It was my little dose of freedom and one of the only true joys in my life. That’s how you met me that day you know? I was returning to my cage.”
She smiled a little at her first memories of him, but the bitterness seeped in when she remembered the repercussions of his actions.
“After you left he hit me. I was punished for my impropriety more than for escaping with the horse. Neither of which were crimes, but it took me a long time to understand that. I’m still understanding it.”
She looked up to see him shaking. Guilt, rage, hatred, and deep sadness emanated from him. His emotions escaped from him one by one in the form of single tear drops, but he valiantly held them back. He silently listened.
“I know it’s different for you, as a man. But you also know how we are brought up in our culture. Women are supposed to be pure, and obedient, and ignorant. At least, those were the rules for me.”
“I was told to save myself for marriage, that only my husband should know that part of me. I actually loved the thought of that. I romanticized it, influenced of course by the fairytales that I was told as a child.”
She looked at him. She wanted to see his eyes when she told this part of the story.
“You were my Prince. You were saving me from the evil that kept me locked away in a castle. You wanted only me. You asked for my hand, you did everything the way we were supposed to.”
Fear etched his eyes as he waited for what he knew was coming.
“I was so excited to finally be yours. I was a little scared too, only because all my life I was told that lust was a sin. I was punished for riding in a car with you, so it was hard to believe I would be sharing a bed with you. But at the same time it felt right .”
She’d never spoken openly about her desires or sexuality. And even though he was the only man who’d seen that side of her, and she should be able to tell her husband anything, she was terrified.
“I was timid of course when we got to the hut, but still, I wanted it. I desired you. I had waited, I had done everything the way I was supposed to. I loved you, and we were married, and it was sanctified by God.”
He held his breath as he waited for her to tell the most important part of her story.
“It was- one of the happiest moments of my life.”
All the air left his body in a whoosh, but he quickly refilled his lungs in anticipation of what was to come.
“You showed me paradise. I felt so free when we were together. Even though you hadn’t said the words, I could feel how much you loved me.”
She hadn’t cried yet in her retelling, but this part of her tale, the part she’d never shared before, made her break down.
She felt him hesitate toward her. He wanted to touch her, hold her, but he knew she needed to go through this part on her own.
“But then the morning came, and just like every single time before, I was punished for my small moment of happiness. It wasn’t grandfather that punished me, but you . The man who was supposed to love & protect me, the one who showed me such beautiful things & encouraged my dreams. I could have expected it from my family, but not from you. You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor.”
Shame and self loathing poured out of him with every tear he shed.
“I forgave you, you apologized, we promised to stay together forever, but the fear of happiness is still there for me.”
He let her words settle over him for a long moment before he briskly wiped his cheeks then gently wiped hers. The pads of his thumbs were rough on her porcelain skin, but she welcomed the feeling. It was comfort.
“That night-“ when he started speaking she lifted her watery lashes to look at his face. “It wasn’t a lie. I need you to know that you were right, I did love you.”
It was all she ever needed to hear from him but the pain of it pierced her fragile heart. Her warm tears flooded over the large hands that still held her face.
“It was supposed to be revenge, but it wasn’t for me. You were so- You’d broken the seal of my heart and were already seeping in. I couldn’t resist you. I’m so sorry.”
They just looked at each other for a long time after that. It felt strange to relive their most beautiful yet painful memories in the exact place where they happened. They had made love that night. She always felt in her heart that she knew the truth of him, but his confession came too late. The pain of wasted months and wasted potential washed over them both.
He finally slid his hands from her face to cover her hands. She wasn’t ready to hold them yet.
“I told you that my love would never hurt you. It won’t. I promise you.”
A sob escaped her unbidden.
It had been his hatred that led him to hurt her, but that night was love, and it didn’t hurt. It was the closest she’d ever been to bliss.
“I’m scared.” she whispered.
His grip on her hand tightened and his brow furrowed in seriousness.
“I have sworn to myself to protect you always. Even if it’s from myself. But you should know that there won’t be any negative consequences to our union. Do you know why?”
She shook her head, the large brown pools of her eyes open to him.
“Because our love is true and pure. Allah chose you for me and me for you, so it could never be a sin.”
Something about his words or the way he said them lifted a little bit of the heaviness from her heart. Her breath came easier, and she felt like she could see more clearly. She was hit suddenly with a pang of wistfulness. She had missed him.
She turned her palms up and gripped his fingers, squeezing tight. A heavy breath left his lungs and she watched the light return to his eyes. He squeezed back, rubbing his thumb along her shiny fingernails absentmindedly, a smile playing at the corner of his lips.
She’d missed feeling this close to him. It was as near as she’d come to feeling the way she did before he betrayed her. But now they knew each other, and themselves, so much better than they did then. She thought maybe she preferred this feeling now to how she felt then. Now she had more wisdom and conviction. They had the truth, or as much of it as they could find. There weren’t any barriers between them anymore.
She silently thanked him for bringing her here to the place where it all began to finally find closure.
Then she smiled at him and he pulled her into his arms.
She slept soundly with her head on his chest just like their first night together. And for the first time since that fateful night she didn’t have a fear of the morning.
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When she woke she saw the sun shining brightly through the sheer curtains. She followed a beam of light to where it was illuminating his peaceful face, and she thought about how a burden had been lifted off of his shoulders, not just hers.
He was still him, all sharp lines and striking features, but there was something softer about him now. In truth his edges had been smoothed already by the knowledge they had obtained and the love they had fought so hard to keep. But after their talk the night before something further changed in him. Like he was finally free of the burden of withholding a secret.
Nothing had come to pass the way she wanted or expected, but it had happened the way it needed to in order for them to become the people they needed to be. She thought about the Miran of before: a dream, a handsome Prince, a successful businessman from Istanbul. Is that who she would have wanted to spend the rest of her life with? There was undeniable chemistry there, and she truly believed she could see glimpses of the real him whom she fell in love with. But their bond was a shallow one, thwarted by his deception. Now she knew him fully, for all his faults and virtues, and she still loved him. The feeling bloomed in her chest. Their love was deep, and true, and unbreakable, and never ending. He would follow her to the ends of the Earth, she believed him when he said he’d always protect her, she trusted him implicitly in every facet of their lives, save for one.
She watched his eyelashes flutter and felt his large chest grow larger with each breath he took. There was one last barrier between them and the normal married life she’d always wanted. Their life would never quite be normal , not with the way their love story began, but it could be something close to what she dreamed of. He dreamed too, of having children, of sending them off with her parents so he could whisk her away to a beach holiday, of common things like waking up next to her every day. He’d left it up to her to decide when their dreams could come true. But what he hadn’t realized was: she needed him to help her.
The feeling in her chest deepened, anticipation weighing it down. He was stirring, and the time for her to make her decision was dwindling. He’d brought her here, nudged her toward opening up, and assuaged all her fears. He’d helped her in the way she didn’t fully realize she needed. But this was hers alone.
He slowly opened his hazel eyes to her wide brown ones. When she looked in his eyes she saw all the promises he made and the man he had become. Although this was her decision, she wouldn’t share it alone. That was the thought that allowed her to finally jump from the cliff. And when her lips met his, she felt herself fly.
She couldn’t explain it, but he just knew . They didn’t speak with words but with passion, first from her mouth and then his. He knew what she wanted, what they needed .
His kisses were fervent, months of pent up lust pouring out of him with every brush of his tongue. She held onto his face for dear life. His beard scratched her palms and her chin with every movement of his lips, the friction tantalizing her. Quiet sounds came from her that she’d only heard once before. It spurred him to turn his body fully and wrap both of his hands around her waist, bringing her tight against him. She felt so small next to him, but protected by the shelter of his body. She moved her hands down his neck to the collar of his dress shirt and pulled him even closer. Then he made a noise she’d only heard once before, not a moan or a grunt, but a whimper. She made him weak.
Still, she could feel the strength of him pushing against her abdomen. His masculine form made her feel ultra feminine, like they were transforming into their primordial selves. They were performing a ritual older than time, and yet it was all rather new to them.
Her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. He struggled to find the zipper of her dress. Both refused to break the kiss. What could have been seen as awkwardness she saw as earnestness. She welcomed it as a sign of honesty between them, wanting something real so much more than something graceful.
He reluctantly tore his lips from hers to hastily remove his shirt. It gave him the opportunity to smile at her, the incandescence nearly blinding her. He didn’t smile at all the first time they did this. The thought of how different it would be this time made her heart soar. She’d made the right decision.
Next he tackled her dress. She giggled a little when he got confused and she needed to help him, but he stopped her breath with a kiss to her neck. They were still under the covers, but she felt shy in just her bra and panties when he still had trousers on. He sensed her bashfulness and in true Miran fashion met it with a brazen removal of his pants, socks, and underwear. The time for being timid was over.
He picked up right where he had left off, pulling her to him with no regard to his nudity. And at first she was frightened of the speed at which this was all happening, but then she yielded to the moment and to the things he was making her feel. She allowed herself to accept pleasure while also feeling nervous. His fingers on her bare skin felt heavenly, him pushing down the straps of her bra made her tense up. She relaxed when he lovingly kissed the newly exposed skin of her shoulder, but sucked in a breath when he hooked his thumbs into the top seam of her panties and pulled down.
He stopped dead and held completely still. She closed her eyes and pushed herself further into his chest. When her breaths matched his and their hearts beat the same rhythm she felt safe enough to go on. He still hadn’t moved but she slowly reached her arms behind her to unclasp her bra, his heavy breath tickling her hair. She snaked her arms back around and pulled the bra off, hastily discarding it behind her. His hands gripped her hips tight and she could see his Adam’s apple bob in a gulp, choosing to focus on his neck as she was too shy to look in his eyes.
He shook from restraining himself, she could tell, so she placed her delicate hands over his broad ones and helped him ease the panties down her hips. It gave him the confidence to finish the job, pulling them down her legs and off, tossing them to the floor carelessly. He made sure to keep them covered, probably for warmth as much as modesty. It was sweet, but it made her unsure of how to proceed. He wasn’t unsure though, because as soon as she was fully naked he had her pulled close again. She could feel all of him. He was hard yet soft, just like she remembered. The way he rolled her onto her back and hovered over her felt familiar, but something about the way he touched her, the way he looked at her felt so different. How he parted her legs and moved between them was the same, but the way he held her for a moment before proceeding was entirely new.
“I want you.” she whispered into his neck, right under his ear.
He shivered, then moved his face from where it was buried in her hair to look in her eyes.
“I love you.” he confessed right before he lined up and pushed slowly in.
She held onto his shoulders for dear life, a memory of their first night flashing in her mind. Then it had been just a little painful, but now it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, she was surprised by how good it felt. The feeling of him stretching her and pushing slowly deeper was an exquisite torture. She already needed more.
He looked very focused. His brows were deeply furrowed, almost as if in pain, but she knew better. He was watching how her breasts moved as a result of his thrusts, and she would have laughed if she didn’t desperately want his mouth on hers. She captured her prize and he was startled for only a moment before he dove in with gusto. He pushed himself inside her while his tongue invaded her mouth, a simultaneous assault. She felt her knees go weak, but instead of collapsing on the floor as she would have done if she were standing, they simply flopped to either side, opening wider for him.
He growled, pleased with himself. She ran her fingers through his hair, desperate for something to tether her to earth. It made him growl again and he bucked harder into her. She was breathless from desire. She didn’t know it would be like this. She remembered that it felt wonderful the first time, but so much of it was clouded over with the horrors she endured afterward that the picture had gone grey. Now she saw bright bursts of color behind closed lids. They were making a new memory, a light one that she could hold onto when things turned dark.
She wrapped her legs around his hips, changing the angle of their bodies, so he could go deeper than ever before. She held onto him, trusting that he’d lead her to paradise again. He had set her free again, helped her to fly. She could see heaven, but she wouldn’t go alone. She kissed him deeply once more before holding her breath. She was up where the air was thin but every feeling was beautiful. She felt his chest against hers, it was still with held breath. Then she felt the air release from his lungs at the same time he released into her. She was already thrumming around him, taking everything he gave.
As she floated back to earth a thought struck her. Perhaps, when they were up there together, they had found their child in heaven? Maybe, right now, that child had come back down with them.
She opened her eyes to find his, already there. The corners of her mouth lifted in a knowing smile and she felt truly happy.