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The first time Remus noticed his feelings for Sirius was when his friends told him (and showed him) that they became Animagi in their fifth year.

His heart swelled at the thought of his three best friends spending countless nights and afternoons hunched over textbooks, working their brains off and breaking the law just so he wouldn’t have to face the full moons alone. He remembers he started crying while he threw himself around James´s neck when he broke the news to him in their dorm. (After he got over the shock and horror that these three idiots would really just do that.)

James laughed and patted him on the back. “I’m glad you’re happy, Remus, but you should be thanking Sirius for this. It was his idea after all.”

Remus lifted his head, curious, stepping away from James and faced Sirius.

“Was it?”

Sirius was standing with hands in his pockets, cheeks red (was the infamous Sirius Black blushing or was it just a trick of light???) and averting Remus’s gaze as much as he could.

“Well…kind of?” he mumbled. One of his hands now scratching the back of his neck as he finally looked up from the floor he seemed so preoccupied with just a second ago.

“Maybe I just happened to suggest that we could find some way to help you with your furry little problem… Really, it’s no big deal…”

Remus smiled through his tears. “To me, it’s the biggest deal in the world, Sirius. You not only accepted me as a friend with my lycanthropy but you’re also breaking the law to spend the full moons with me. That’s bloody something.”

Remus hugged him then. He was taller than all of them at the time so when he squeezed his arms tightly around Sirius and held him to his chest, he could easily whisper “Thank you” just for him to hear because his mouth was at the same level as Sirius´s ear. As he did this, Sirius slightly quivered in his hold and Remus immediately let go of him and stepped aside.

He knew that Sirius didn’t do touching. His family was full of cruel abusers and Sirius was rather hesitant with physical contact, to say the least. It got much better since he moved in with the Potters but sometimes he still flinched when somebody put a hand on him unexpectedly or held physical contact longer than usual. Remus mentally kicked himself for hugging him so tightly.

The thought of Sirius caring so much to bring this idea up and managing to realize it moved something deep in his chest. It doesn’t help that Sirius looks bloody gorgeous all the time. Shiny black hair, beautiful grey eyes and those diamond-sharp cheekbones could cut through glass. But it’s not just that. Yes, Sirius is fierce, incorrigible, and sometimes harsh. But he’s also caring, witty, kind and unconditionally protective of his friends. You can’t really blame Remus for being completely enamoured, right?

Now, in their sixth year, almost a year and a half later, Remus is deeper in love with Sirius than he ever was before.

Oh, Merlin, I’ve got it bad. Shit shit shit shit. No, you can’t have it bad, Remus. This is your best friend. He has enough on his plate already without having to worry about you pining after him. Besides, he would never see you that way….

And so every time he stares too long, hugs his friend too tight, gets annoyed when some girl or boy flirts with Sirius too much or he’s just too dumbstruck by how wonderful he is, Remus reminds himself:

He’s not yours to stare at.

He’s not yours to hold.

He’s not yours to be jealous over.

He’s not yours, he’s not yours, he’s not yours…

Sirius is sitting in the common room and pretending he is listening to every word Remus is saying. He may or may not have made some intentional mistakes in his homework just so Remus could point them out and explain to Sirius what exactly he’d done wrong.

Sirius has become very good at making bugs in his homework on purpose. Because then Remus will never stop checking them. And that's the real win here because every time Remus is reading his essay he is absolutely focused only on the parchment so he never notices how much Sirius is watching him. Well, he could watch him any time he reads a book (Sirius does that too) but then he wouldn't have any excuse to lean closer as to listen to his voice.

Sirius knows Remus treats him very delicately. He always behaves as if Sirius is made of glass. Firstly, he appreciates it. In the times his family abused him he couldn’t stand a single touch – except maybe from the Marauders but still only when he absolutely had to. But since he’s been living by the Potters, everything’s much better.

So now Moony’s behaviour is more of an obstacle than an act of support. Because Sirius wants to be touched, he wants to be embraced and he wants to feel Remus’s hands on his body. And he has no idea why. He doesn’t feel that way about James or Peter. Is it because of the comfy jumpers Moony always wears and looks so huggable and soft in? Yeah, that must be it.  

He hadn’t discovered this weird obsession with Remus until the day they told him they became Animagi. The expression on his face was worth every minute of hard work they had all put into it. And when Remus hugged him and whispered the faithful “Thank you” in his ear, a chill ran through Sirius. Remus let go of him immediately, probably thinking he relived some unpleasant memory from his childhood, but it was actually the opposite. Sirius wanted it to last. He wanted to nuzzle his neck, snuggle in his wool jumper and never let go.

The direction of his thoughts struck him so unexpectedly he didn’t have time to tell Remus he was okay with the hugging. Actually, it was more than okay… Fuck, fuck, fuck. What’s wrong with me? Why do I suddenly want to touch him so much? Am I some kind of Remus-obsessed freak??

Sirius flirts with everything and everyone, effortlessly and easily. It’s quite fun and frankly, it never means anything. He’s never serious (hah) about any of his relationships. Well, if you can call a relationship something quick and heated always happening behind closed doors of various closets and silencing charms. You could almost call it heartless. There are never any cuddles or soft kisses afterwards. Or rather, there aren’t any feelings. Not on his part at least. Sirius still can’t stand any of the affection. He thinks he’ll never be okay with it. Something like romantic love was never a thing he quite comprehended. It terrifies him. Love for his best friends? Sure. Definitely. He loves them all from the bottom of his heart and would take a killing curse for any of them in a heartbeat. But the amount of trust he would have to put in someone new, the number of things he would have to expose about himself so there could actually be any mutual understanding and trust… No, he can’t do that. And trust is the fundamental rock of love, right? So, no, thanks. There is only a desire to let loose and get off. His good looks and a castle full of teenagers make sure there is never a lack of potential acquaintances.

Not that he does it too often. Just when staring at Moony becomes too unbearable or when he gets a letter from home. Like today.

He’s sitting with James and Peter at late breakfast when the mail arrives. Remus isn’t with them because he never eats the day of the full moon. That never changes however much they try to persuade him to eat at least something. Luckily it’s Saturday, so he´ll be having tomorrow to recover before Monday’s classes kick in.

Sirius isn’t expecting anything, so naturally, he’s surprised when an expensive-looking envelope lands on his toast. However, he immediately recognises the neat elegant handwriting of his mother and the Black’s seal. He sees the wary look James shoots him when he also spots the envelope. Sirius takes the letter and excuses himself.

He heads straight to the toilets, locks himself in one of the cubicles and casts a silencing spell over it. He knows it would be wiser to tear the letter to pieces and flush it or just outright burn it, but something in him prevents him from doing so. Maybe the thing he has been taught from the very first moment he could remember and tries so hard to rebel against – is that he simply cannot disobey.

Or maybe it’s something worse. Something he wouldn’t admit even to himself…That maybe some part of him, some tiny fleeting piece in the furthest corner of his heart still hopes…

He doesn’t have to read the whole letter to know that he won’t shake this one off as easily as he’s used to. This time, his mother really decided to dive deep.

His eyes quickly scan the pages, flinching every time they stumble upon a particularly nasty sentence.

Every single one of them is feeding his insecurities and opening the wounds in his heart he so carefully stitches together after each letter.

But he doesn’t stop reading anyway.  

Remus knows today’s full moon is going to be rough. He can feel it in his bones as the lunar cycle is nearing its end. He hasn’t felt this tight and uncomfortable in his own skin for a long time. The wolf is restless and wants out. So much so that Remus fears he might burst even before the sunset.

Naturally, he doesn’t utter a word about this to his friends. They are going through enough troubles to spend the full moons with him already. There’s no need to tell them he thinks this one is probably going to hurt a bit more. Every transformation hurts like hell and he knows his friends hate to see him in pain. Why cause any more distress?

He’s sitting in the armchair by the fire in the  Common Room, pretending to read a book when he’s actually deep in thought when the idea strikes him. Maybe it’s because the wolf is so prominent. Maybe a spark of Griffindor courage? Maybe it’s because he feels this full moon is going to be different than any other. Or maybe he’s just tired of his heart burning with desire for too long. Remus doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but suddenly he decides he needs to tell Sirius how he feels. He’s just about to go looking for him when he notices Sirius coming in through the portrait hole.    

Remus is so caught up in his own head to notice anything about Sirius’s expression and he doesn’t realize how the usually confident boy has his shoulders hunched until much later. For now, he’s determined and high on the adrenaline of his sudden decision. So when Sirius comes near him, he decides to speak.

“Sirius, could I… Perhaps talk to you for a minute?”

Sirius doesn’t acknowledge him and just continues on his way to the dorm.

Very well then. Privacy is probably better for this conversation anyway.

When Remus gets to their dorm, Sirius is standing with his back to him, hustling something into his bedside table.

“Uh… Sirius, could we talk, please?”

Sirius turns around to face him, a strange look on his face as if he only now became aware of not being alone in the room and he’s surprised someone’s talking to him.

Remus, more nervous than he ever remembers being, doesn’t notice and just continues talking.

“You know….Eh...I just now realized I don’t actually know how I want to say this…” Remus begins with an anxious laugh. “Guess I just say it. I really like you, Sirius. Like a lot. I think I might be a little bit in love with you. I’m sorry I’m jumping on you with it like this but I just can’t hold it in any longer and I’m tired of having secrets from you. I think you are a wonderful human being who deserves the world and I’ll gladly lay it down to your feet if you so much as give me any indication of reciprocating my feelings. But please know that if you don’t, I won’t stand in your way or make it awkward or anything. I just really want to see you happy, preferably with me but it’s okay if you don’t want to. I mean it’s not. For me at least. But you do you. Ah, you know what I mean…” Remus stops talking when he realizes he’s rambling instead of making any sense.

Sirius, already on edge from earlier, stands still and silent through most of Remus’ speech but man if his mind could be screaming any louder. Remus’ words trigger a stream of memories mingling together with words from today’s letter. He and Sirius’ mother have quite the same vocabulary, albeit each of them uses the same words in a (thankfully) different context. But that doesn’t matter now, because Sirius’ brain is so familiar with Walghbura’s version that it doesn’t accept any other. Hundreds of no one will ever love you anyway, worthless disgrace, disowned fugitive and wonderful example of a useless human are now circling in his brain, providing years of painful memories, both physical and mental.

Sirius’ body starts to tremble. His breathing quickens and his mind seems to throw every insult and hex he ever had to live through at him.

Blood pounds in his ears, his heart thuds and his hands are shaking.

I need to get away.

Get away.

Away.

His trembling legs move on their own accord, carrying him away from their dorm, away from the common room, away from everyone.

Away.

But how can you escape something that’s happening in your head?

Only when he starts to choke on his own ragged breathing and tears does he collapse on the ground, curling into a little ball.

When Sirius emerges from the room he has been hiding in (only now realizing it must have been the Room of Requirement when the door disappears behind him) it’s much later than he thought it was. His thoughts are sluggish and unfocused. His stomach rumbles from not eating anything since breakfast. But even through the haze in his head, he can’t get rid of the feeling that he’s forgetting about something. Something very important… It’s right there but he just can’t put a finger on it. 

It’s when he’s entering the Common Room, deep in thoughts, that it finally hits him. Through the window right ahead he can see a moon. However, it’s not just a regular moon but an overwhelmingly huge moon shining brighter than Sirius has ever seen it. And it’s rounded.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, how could I forget it’s the full moon tonight?? Holy shit…

He can’t leave Moony alone with only Prongs and Wormtail. It’s usually Padfoot who plays the most with the wolf and is the most capable of being any sort of a rival. While Prongs isn’t that bad either he usually takes care of Wormtail and is making sure he doesn’t end up accidentally trodden. But now? Without another canine? James must be the one to somehow entertain the wolf and while Sirius isn’t much worried about him (He’s got antlers, he’ll be fine. Besides, Moony had never hurt any of them…intentionally…) what about Peter?

He’s out of the castle in no time, using one of the many secret passages to get out unnoticed, and running towards the forest.

The moon is out, so they won’t be in the Shack anymore because Remus has already transformed. That means they’re somewhere in the forest. But fuck him if he knows where. He changes into Padfoot and is immediately sniffing the ground, the air… Anything that could tell his highlighted senses where he should be looking for his pack.

And he can’t. smell. a thing.

At least nothing useful. Only grass, other unimportant animals and flowers. So many different blooming flowers he thinks he might pass out. Bloody spring.

After a few more minutes of furious sniffing, he finally catches something else. The musky scent of fur and…and something he’s been dreading since he left the castle. 

He can smell fear.

Padfoot immediately sets off after the faint trail and it’s not too long until he sees actual footprints of a stag he recognizes. (Prongs, unawares, always leans a little bit more on the right, so the trail is deeper on that side. That’s also how Sirius knows in which direction they went.) He quickens his pace, even more, completely forgetting he can’t sense the wolf anymore.

When he reaches a small clearing, he staggers to a halt as a frantic stag with a terrified-looking rat on his antlers appears on the other side.

The animals meet in the middle and quickly transform back into humans. James looks positively livid, Peter more shaken than anything.  

“Where have you been, mate? I haven’t seen you since morning! Remus told us you wouldn’t join us tonight, maybe ever. What the hell happened?” demands James.

Sirius, only now remembering the reason behind his panic attack, immediately starts to freak out. Of course, Remus wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. Of course, he probably thinks Sirius hates him now, of course, he’d rather beat himself up inside than voice anything out loud. Of fucking course.

“Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.” Sirius hectically tugs on his hair (a nervous trait he caught from James over the years) as he impatiently walks from side to side.

“That doesn’t matter now, lads. We must find Remus before he hurts himself or anyone else,” insists Peter.

That stops Sirius in his tracks. “What do you mean find Remus?” Only now realizing in his frenzy that Moony is nowhere in sight, which is good in its own way seeing as they’re perfectly edible snacks in their current form. Is he really being that reckless? Jesus, his brain is slow tonight.

James is looking a little bashful when he responds, “Well, you see… Moony went a bit berserk tonight. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. I tried to entertain him, I really did. But I also had to keep an eye on Wormtail and… I swear I turned for like five seconds and he was gone. We’re trying to find him but a stag and a rat aren’t exactly the ideal trackers…” 

“Yeah, Okay. We need to split up. That way we can cover more ground. I’ll try to track his scent, you try to search the places we usually play at and if you don’t find him, guard the edge of the forest. I’ll send a Patronus if anything happens or if I find him, you do the same, okay?” Sirius, his brain already back in mission mode, only waited for their affirming nods before he’s running again, changing into Padfoot between two strides.  

The longer he seeks the more desperate he gets. Moony could be anywhere, doing anything. He could be clawing at himself again with no one to stop him. What if he hit some important artery this time? Especially when James said he had gone berserk… He could be chasing other animals but what if he stumbles upon something horrible? Sirius knows there’s little chance Moony would encounter something more dangerous than a werewolf on a full moon but cold dread is clenching his insides all the same. 

He’s so frantic in his search that he almost misses the change in light. It’s almost dawn.

Shit, shit, shit. Remus needs me and I can’t even find him.

Sirius might have another panic attack if he wasn’t Padfoot. The scent he catches next is for sure triggering. It’s blood. And what’s worse, it smells familiar. Padfoot tracks the little drops, follows them as they become smudges and runs for his life when they reach the size of little puddles.

He doesn’t have to run far. A tree or two after the biggest puddle yet lays something huddled on the forest ground. It’s dirty, naked and definitely human. But what terrifies Padfoot is the amount of blood it lays in and how still the body is. It’s not moving, not shivering and it almost looks like… like not even breathing. 

Padfoot is at Remus’s side in no time, sinking to his once again human knees, assessing the damage, the panic properly setting in now he’s not a dog anymore. 

There’s so much blood.

Tearing his jacket off and pressing it to the worst wounds on his torso, he asks, “Moony, can you hear me?”

No response. Sirius puts his other hand on Remus' cheek. It’s deadly cold.

“Remus, it’s me, Sirius. Please, can you hear me?”

Silence.

Sirius, terrified, leans closer, putting his ear to Remus’s face. When the faintest breath escapes his mouth, Sirius is more relieved than he ever has been in his life.

Quickly pulling his wand out, he applies every healing spell he can think of, cursing himself he hadn’t talked Madame Pomfrey into teaching him more than just the basics.

It’s not enough.

Some of the smaller cuts on Remus’s face and hands heal but they were probably just from the fall when he fainted. The big bleeding gashes from werewolf’s claws aren’t that easy to mend.

Sirius fires spell after spell, fully sobbing now, “Moony I’m here. It’ll be alright, I’m here.”

When he can see the spells aren’t doing any difference anymore, he sends a Patronus to James and Peter. Then he immobilizes Remus and makes him float next to him. The body binding spell doesn’t stop the bleeding but it slows it down a bit at least.

Thank God Sirius had a growth spurt during the summer and is usually the tallest one in the room. His long legs are carrying him across the forest at rapid speed.

There’s no other way of getting Remus faster to infirmary without exposing themselves as Animagi and Madame Pomfrey knows they know about Remus’ condition so she hopefully won’t ask too many questions.

The only thing on Sirius’ mind for the rest of the way back to the castle is: please don’t let it be too late.        

James is pacing from side to side. Remus is laying in bed, still unconscious, bandages covering most of his body. Sirius, with blood all over his clothes, is sitting on a chair next to the bed, his eyes never leaving Remus’ face. Peter fell asleep on another bed half an hour ago. Neither of them said a word.

When Madame Pomfrey saw Remus, she looked terrified but quickly rearranged her face to a neutral expression. When she started examining him, all remaining colour drained from her cheeks. She has sent the boys out but not one of them moved an inch and she didn’t have time to chase them away.

The number of potions and spells she has used on Remus should have probably finished him off but he is not a normal wizard and werewolf’s metabolism isn’t that easily affected. (That’s usually quite handy to Remus when drinking.) She was able to stop the bleeding and got Remus’s breathing under control again. It took her more than an hour by which end she was sweating and her worried gaze hadn’t weakened any bit.

When she was finished, she took Sirius to the side. “I recognized some of the spells I taught you and if you haven’t done that or if you brought him five minutes later… I don’t know what could have happened. You saved his life you know. I’m not sure he would have made it otherwise.”

Her voice didn’t shake, her tone was even and collected as if she hadn't just saved another student’s life. Madame Pomfrey is a stoic woman, never making a fuss, always concentrating on her task, not allowing any feelings in. She has seen her fair share of all sorts of injuries at Hogwarts, usually caused by student’s stupidity, and she was steeled by years of healing them.

But once in a while, there is somebody who earns more than just her compassion. She tries not to make it obvious but she has a soft spot for the poor werewolf kid ever since she had to carry the scrawny little body and mend his wounds after his first full moon at Hogwarts.

Sirius could see the worry in her eyes that was surely mirrored in his own. Unable to answer, he just nodded and went back to sit by Remus’s side. That was two hours ago. Remus is still out of it.

That’s a lot of time to think. Sirius hasn’t allowed himself to ponder on what would happen if Moony d-

No, no, no. That won’t happen.

Remus is strong. He’s survived countless full moons before this one.

He’s been through so much pain and yet, he’s not bitter, snappy or mean. No, his Moony is always trying his best to be kind. That doesn’t mean he can’t be a sassy little shit when he wants to, but mostly he’s thoughtful. Sirius doesn’t want to think about the nights Remus had had to spend on his own in the Shack before they were there for him, but he survived those as well.

Please, let him be okay this time too.

Sirius takes hold of Remus’ hand to anchor himself and voices out something he’s been thinking about this entire time, just to break the unnerving silence of the Hospital Wing.

“Amazing person our Moony don’t you think, James? All that pain and misery… And loneliness. And it just made him kind.”

James stops his pacing and turns to Sirius with a funny look on his face. If he didn’t know any better, Sirius would describe it as hopeful. But it quickly turns sad and worried when he glances on Remus.

“Yeah, I always considered Moony as the best of us.”

Sirius doesn’t acknowledge James’s answer. His mind is wandering elsewhere again and when he speaks his voice is on the verge of tears.

“This all is my fault, James. If I were with you from the start, this wouldn’t have happened. He’s lost so much blood and he hasn’t woken up for so long and what if it causes some permanent damage? I wish I could do something more. If I could switch places with him right now I would. He’s probably going to be so pissed at me when he wakes up but I don’t care. I just want him to be okay.” Sirius caresses Remus’s hand.

“Please be okay, Moony. I miss you.” It’s less than 24 hours since they last talked but Sirius finds it’s true.

“Sirius, stop it.” James' voice is gentle, yet firm. “It’s not your fault. Why would he be angry at you? You’ve heard Madame Pomfrey, you saved his life.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have had to if I had been there from the very beginning!” The tears are now making rivers down Sirius’ cheeks.

“Sirius… What happened between you and Moony? Why did he tell us you might never join us again?”  

“He…” Sirius sniffs, “I think he told me he loved me,” not completely sure because his mind is always fuzzy around panic attacks. He looks at James when he hears him squeak.

James slaps his own hand over his mouth and his face goes through a hundred different emotions – shock, relief, happiness, excitement, questioning - all at once before it settles on careful blankness.

“And… Er… How do you feel about it?”

“I don’t… I’ve never… Love isn’t…Uh...”

Sirius doesn’t know what to say. He tried to avoid thinking about yesterday's events.

The problem is he doesn’t know what to feel.

Sirius is terrified of love. The idea of being so close and vulnerable to someone is scaring the shit out of him.

But… He was never scared of Remus. Ever. Sirius wasn’t afraid when he first saw the quiet bookish kid snap at somebody, nor when they finally confronted him with their suspicions and Remus, shaking with anxiety, admitted his lycanthropy. Not when Remus perfectly performed a stunning spell after he absolutely destroyed his opponent in a duel in their DADA class without much of an effort. Not even when he saw his body break and transform into a bloodthirsty wolf for the first time. No, there was nothing to fear from his Moony.

Moreover, he trusts Remus. They know everything about each other (six years of friendship and living next to each other made sure of that). He wouldn’t have to be afraid if some demons from his past came haunting him. Remus already knows them. He would probably stand by his side and help chase them away. If James is his brother then Remus is his best friend.

Friend. Is that really all there is?

When he looks at Remus, he doesn’t see a friend. It’s not a strong enough word. It simply doesn’t suffice the feelings he holds for the boy before him anymore. And if he’s honest with himself (which is rare) it hasn’t been a strong enough word for quite some time.

As soon as he allows himself to finally feel the depth of his affection for Remus, it’s as if his heart opens a gate and it all floods in.

The way he stares at Remus for seemingly no reason at all. How he wants to cuddle with him on a couch and snuggle into his fluffy jumper. How he loves the feeling when he holds Remus’ hand. How beautiful Remus is, even now after the dreadful full moon. His face is pale, his honey curls are a mess, some of them plastered to his forehead with sweat and he has dark circles under his eyes. But his lips still look soft and Merlin, Sirius wants to kiss them.

“Holy shit, James, I’m in love with Remus.”

“I KNEW IT!”

Of course, Remus chooses this moment to stir.

James waits just enough time to see that Remus is indeed waking up and doesn’t seem to be in much pain before he smirks at Sirius. “Well, gentlemen, I leave you to it. Peter and I are knackered,” and walks from the doors, levitating sleeping Peter behind him.

Sirius, still in shock from his discovery, doesn’t even notice that he’s still holding Remus’ hand until he tugs on it.

Remus looks confused, sleep still in his eyes and when he sees Sirius he tries to sit up.

“Padfoot what… What happe-“ then hisses in pain and collapses back down again.

Sirius immediately jumps from his seat. “Oh my god, Remus you’re awake! Thank Merlin. Are you okay? Oh, that’s a stupid question, sorry. Where does it hurt? What can I do? Are you warm enough? Should I get you another blanket? Do you want tea?” he shoots the questions while helping Remus to prop himself on a pillow.

“Please, stop fretting.”

Remus’s voice is raspy and hoarse but he still manages to yelp rather loudly after his gaze focuses on the blood on Sirius’ clothes. His eyes go impossibly huge as he looks at Sirius with a horrified expression.

“Sirius, what happened? Why is there so much blood on you?” Then he looks around and asks worriedly, “Where are James and Peter?”

Sirius sits back down and hangs his head in shame. “They went to the dorm. The blood is all yours,” he falters for a bit before gripping Remus’ hand and continuing in a hurried frenzy. “I’m so sorry, Moony. I should have been there. But after you told me all those things yesterday afternoon I panicked and somehow forgot it was full moon night. And then I couldn’t find you in the forest and then there was so much blood and you almost weren’t breathing and it was all my fault and I’m so so sorry.”  

“Sirius, slow down. What are you talking about? What things have I told you…oh…” Remus suddenly remembers yesterday’s events with painful clarity now that Sirius has brought it up.

How Sirius’ face changed from oblivious to horrified to absolutely alarmed. How he’d rather run out of the tower than listened to Remus embarrass himself further.

“Oh God,” Remus covers his face with his scarred hands, his tone panicked. “Fuck.”

When he puts them down, Sirius can see his eyes are rimmed with tears. “I am sorry for that. I…Please…Do you think….Could you possibly forget I said anything and stay my friend after this?” Remus’ voice is cautiously flat.  

“You want to stay friends? You want me to forget?” Sirius asks incredulously.

Remus, eyes cast down to his lap, playing with the hem of the bandage on his arm visibly flinches. “Yes?” he asks and then, in a quiet whisper adds “please?” making himself even smaller by hunching his shoulders as if expecting a punch.

Sirius doesn’t like him in this position at all. He takes the hand that is fiddling with the bandage in his own and holds it gently. “No, Rem. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore and I certainly don’t want to forget.”

Remus whimpers, oblivious to the hand holding.

“I’d like to be something more. If you will have me,” Sirius starts tracing little calming circles into Remus’ palm.

Remus hiccups and sharply turns his teary eyes to Sirius. “What are you saying, Padfoot?”

Sirius sighs.

“I’m saying that I was confused for a long time. I have always felt different about you, Moony. I just never knew why. Then I got a letter from my dear mother yesterday and before you say anything I know I shouldn’t read them but I did it anyway. I got stuck in my own head for a while so when you came to the dorm and told me all about your feelings I just lost it. I’m sorry I panicked. I never meant to hurt you. When I got it together enough to remember it was full moon night, it was already late and then I couldn’t find you,” Sirius’ voice breaks.“I couldn’t find you, Rem. I always find you but I couldn’t. I thought I was never more scared than in these few hours before dawn when I was running mindlessly through the forest. But then I saw you in the puddle of blood and I swear my heart stopped. I thought you were dead for a second and I never want to feel like that again. It was like being ripped into pieces from the inside.”

Finally acknowledging all the pent up feelings circulating in him since yesterday Sirius is on the verge of tears again. “What I want to say is that I love you. I always have. I just didn’t realize it.”

“Oh, Sirius,” Remus puts the hand that is not held by Sirius on his cheek and wipes the tears under his right eye with his thumb. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.”

Remus leans closer but stops a few inches from Sirius’ mouth. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, you daft fool!” Sirius brings his own hands to Remus’ cheeks, holding his face when he closes the distance between them, kissing Remus back into his pillows. There will be time to tell Remus he doesn’t have to treat him so delicately anymore. Later.

When their mouths part after the rather short kiss, Sirius remembering Remus’ injuries and not wanting to strain him, Remus is wheezing. Sirius rests his forehead on Remus’, his eyes still closed and smiles. He feels ecstatic. Allowing all the remaining dread to leave his body, Sirius can feel the adrenalin wearing off and the fatigue setting in. He feels Remus fingers carding through his hair once his breathing is back to normal.

“Hey, Pads…”

“Um?”

“I love you too. I’m sorry for scaring you,” Remus pauses and looks down between them on Sirius. “You look like shit tho.”

Sirius straightens back on his chair, hand landing dramatically on his chest in mock outrage, “Moony, you wound me.” Then he makes a show of ogling Remus’ body covered in bandages (as if he doesn’t have it engraved in memory for eternity by now) and adds “you’re one to talk”. Addressing their wounds seriously has never been their style anyway.    

They both grin goofily at each other until Sirius starts itching in his clothes and he gets up. Before he can do anything about it though, a cold hand catches his own.

“Please, don’t leave.”

“I wasn’t planning to. I just need to change.” Sirius presses a kiss to Remus’ palm before he Accios himself a clean shirt and trousers from the dorm and steps behind the patient privacy screen to spell himself clean and change into the new clothes. When he emerges he feels like he could sleep forever.

Sirius climbs into the bed with Remus, careful not to jostle him when he lays beside him so they can cuddle. Thankfully the hospital beds are bigger than average and they both fit comfortably next to each other. With Sirius’ arm around Remus’ shoulders and with Remus’ head on Sirius’ chest they’re soon dozing off.

It’s later, when they both tether on the edge of consciousness – not quite asleep but not quite awake either, Remus whispers, “how long are you going to stay with me?”

Sirius’ response is slow, muffled by Remus’ hair, but completely honest in his tiredness, “forever.”

Remus smiles sleepily into Sirius’s soft shirt. “That’s a long time.”

Sirius yawns, “yeah, it is”, and cuddles closer to Remus. “But I wouldn’t mind spending it by your side.”