Work Text:
“You can keep it, I resign, I resign, I resign...”
Heavy raindrops were falling from the dark grey sky hanging over New York city. It was as if the storm had come out of nowhere after the sunny but rather chilly afternoon, kind of unusual for this time of the year. The whole metropolis was deep with fog. No one would go out if he could avoid it. But still, there were people on the busy streets of world's greatest city.
Kate Beckett was one of them. Soaking wet in the pouring rain, she wasn't out with a particular task. Sitting in a swing on a muggy playgroung - the one Kate had dragged Castle after the book signing of Naked Heat actually, she was once again, for the hundredth time now reviewing her resignition. Just two hours ago she had quit... The force, the 12th, the team, her old life.
She realised, with not much of a surprise, she wasn't feeling guilty. Or even remoursefull except for dragging Esposito on the crazy revenge ride that almost lead to both their deaths. Exdetective Bekket... Was relieved and free. It didn't matter that the young woman was without a job or hadn't solved her mothers' murder, she was finally ready to let go, to go after what she wanted. Or who she wanted and to let herself finally be happy.
Deep inside something in her was crying along with the falling raindrops about the mistakes she had made mere hours ago. A lot of explaining had to be done, a lot of apologies waited to be given. They all weighted on her shoulders, the burden of a plan gone wrong.
Beckett drew a deep breath and let it go. It came out heavy. She was clearly realising she had thrown away her entire brilliant carrer, her whole life for something, someone, who might not even want her anymore. Kate honestly wouldn't blame him if he didn't after the way she'd treated him though knowing he was right about her obsession, the incapability to control the insanity of the situation going along with it, her own broken stubborn self when it came to that particular case.
Truth was she was only able to cope with them with him around. Castle always had her back, she was never alone in this. Just as he had said in the morning.
These were the last thoughts that crossed her mind earlier and she remembered them as clear as the shooting she almost didn't survive eleven months ago. That was why she had whispered his name then, ten stores from the ground, holding herself on that rooftop edge with her last strength left, knowing Castle wasn't there but wishing he was so he would save her once again, this time for good. Kate had realised it mainly while Gates was shouting at her at the precenct. Castle's name had left her lips almost involuntary that first time but it had held everything in itself: all the woman's pain, trust, desparation and regrets. The moment her fingers couldn't hold her weight anymore and for a single second she was falling in the open air, dead for sure, was the moment of full realisation that nothing was forever and she had to let go of the past dragging her into that so much known abyss again. Otherwise Kate was going to lose herself inevitably only this time he wouldn't be there for her.
Beckett stood up from the swing. The chain clancked but there was no one around to hear. Her shoes sank a few santimetres in the muddy sand of the deserted playgroung. For a second her feet gave under, the memory of almost death her body held, but she put herself together and started walking.
There were plenty of taxies and buses. Kate could pick whichever she wanted but preferred walking under the rain a little more, trying to clear her head. Worst case scenario, Richard would have finally given up on her after four years waiting and confronting the young woman three times about his feelings for her.
How silly did she feel about it now, walking soaking wet under the heavy clouds, wandering New York's streets. But she had her reasons and Castle knew it. Or did she really or was she afraid? He also knew she remembered. Beckett wasn't sure how it had happened but it didn't matter now, did it?
The cellphone in her pocket rang and she almost dropped it taking it out. It was a miracle the thing still worked given the state of her clothing, messed shock hair and long ago ruined make up.
The picture of a smilig Leany Perish was glowing through the heavy water drops fallen almost instantly on the display. By now the rumours about her resignition might have reached everyone in the 12th. But probably no one could tell how much of them was true unless Esposito had cleared the events.
Beckett sent it straight to voicemail and swithed the phone off. Right now she had more important things to take care of than listening to advises or regrets. Sure she knew Lauren was there for her, the ME had been not only her co-worker but her best friend for the last thirteen years on the force. And she had convined her to act after all.
Beckett was desparately trying to figure out what to say once she'd reached Castle's door. Her footsteps faded in New York's tipical noises: tyre screeches, bus and taxi horns stuck in traffic. At a certain point she almost felt she could hear the irritated people's thoughts. It was as if she'd switched places with someone of them and was watching herself from a distance: calm now but so familliar with their hurry, nervousness, the feelings of being always on the clock and surrounded by a crowd but always alone. Well, not always. Sometimes she had had Castle and that was all that was needed.
It was almost ten p.m. when Kate reached his building and the storm was at it's peak. At a point she was feeling so cold she got in a cab and rode the remaining way with the heat turned on. Her hair was damp and her clothes were still soaking wet. A cold wave hit her the moment she stood outside of the car but with some luck she wouldn't spend the next week or two sick in bed.
She perfectly well knew he was home: the lights were on. Most likely alone. It was Alexis' graduation today, the young woman recalled. She remembered she wanted to go, the girl had invited her, but didn't have the chance when things got all messed up earlier with Castle giving up on her after telling the truth. Besides, Martha wouldn't miss the opportunity of throwing or attending a party somewhere and he had said he was going to watch movies. They even settled for that before being caught up in the events.
The truth... Right there and then Beckett was thankful as much as she was angry. Thankful because he had done everyting he could to protect her, even with the knowledge that when it came to putting the cards on the table he would most likely lose her. Putting herself in his shoes, Becket understood him, he did what he thought was best for her no matter where it had put him. She might had done the same thing if their roles were reversed.
The paradox was she was annoyed all because of the same thing. The young woman just couldn't get over herself to say the words and in spite of doing it she accused him in lying. Now she could. If there was still somebody left to listen.
The doorman gladly let her in knowing her from the rare visits Kate had made the last four years.
Once found shelter in the building and privacy in the elevator, Kate got out her mobile. Turning it on, on the display shined three missed calls: one from Ryan and two more from Lanie. Odds were they left messages, so were ignored at that point. Reaching Castle's floor, Beckett typed his number.
Her heart was beating wildly. She had no actual idea what would she tell him if he picked up but sure as Hell was a better thought than going straight to his door.
The free line sounded in her ear. Then, just a little too soon...
'Hi, you've reached Rick Castle, I can't talk right now, or I don't want to. Leave a message and I might call you'.
Oh she was very sure he didn't want to and wouldn't if she'd settle for that. No way she was backing off without a fight.
Drawing a deep and steadying breath Beckett put her cell in her pocket and tried walking those last few meters parting her from his doorstep. The thick carpet covering the floor muffled her footsteps. Living in a luxurious condo sure had it's positives.
Her heart was pounding so hard the young woman was almost sure Castle might have already heart it throught the walls. All the things she had decided to tell him earlier were suddenly gone from her mind and her mouth suddenly felt dry.
She took another breath and reached out knocking at the door. One. Two. Three. Four times.
For a minute, which lasted an eternity, nothing happened. Then there were footsteps.
Beckett could picture him almost perfectly comming towards her in his black fancy trousers and blue shirt with two unbuttoned... Well, buttons. His somewhat of a cocky walk, his hands waving just a little beside his body, his eyes showing interest, confusion and maybe a little bit of concern who had come to visit him in such a late hour.
And then he opened the door.
Seeing her a shadow fell on his face covering a single moment of surprise. It almost made Kate walk away because it showed only hurting, pain and determination not to let her in. Almost. Though, Kate stayed. She tried saying something, anything, but couldn't take the words out. They were there, just below the surface, like the scent of a perfume, but not quite reachable.
And he was just standing there for all she had pictured him but in red rather than a blue shirt, his usualy calm and warm eyes suddenly cold and distant.
- Beckett, what do you want? - Castle asked, his hand on the doorknob, ready to shut it in her face.
His voice showed the pain his eyes tried to cover. Or vise versa. It probably was the only feeling she had brought to him right now, showing at his door unexpected.
What did she want?
A year ago asked the same question from the very same person she said she wanted to find her mother's murderer. Now that clearly wasn't a priority.
And then she suddenly knew. Beckett just breathed out the simple word that might or might not change everything, might bring walls down and take the pain away or do the exact opposite:
- You.
Castle's face, a mask of coldness untill then cracked with astonishment and disbelief. A thunder crashed. She never gave him a chance to answer. In a heartbeat Kate stepped up, her head no longer holding any thoughts, remourses or suspicions, her heart taking command over her body, and... kissed him.
Her hands cupped his face, she closed her eyes and just like that her lips found his in the twilight of the hall.
For that moment everything stopped it's usual pace and nothing else existed. It was just them and their pain and fragile hopes and dreams.
It was... Uncomparable to anything she'd ever felt before. It slightly reminded her of that first undercover kiss only it was better. She'd always remember the look in Castle's eyes then, the first time the thought of something more than partnership going through. Kate never knew they would dance around if for four years because of one thing or another then. The scent of his cologne hit her and the sweetness of his lips dazzled her. The softness and heat of his skin sent shivers through her fingers. Before she knew he had managed to stop it and was breathing heavily mere santimetres away, his eyes closed tight as if he didn't want to face what was happening, his hands still drawn away from her as if he was afraid to touch her. It was clear she had taken him by surprise. Kate wouldn't lose the opportunity.
Still cupping his face with trembling fingers, with her eyes closed trying not to shed the rising tears, Kate whispered, not trusting her voice at all.
- I'm so sorry, Castle, I'm so sorry...
Inside she was aching for both him and herself, the hurt he had suffered because of her. Those tears left her eyes, leaving hot salty marks on her sides.
- I'm so sorry...
There wasn't snything else she could say to fix things. She could only try showing him she really wanted him by her side.
Kate closed her eyes and tried kissing him again. But this time he was prepared. He grabbed her wrists and gently yet surely drew her away from himself. It should have cost him a lot judging by his amazed yet unbevieving expression. She could see Castle was trying to maintain cold and in control but he was losing the battle. His deep blue eyes gave him away. Still, she understood his need for answers, so she gave them without hesitation the minute the questlion left his lips.
- What happened?
- He got away and I didn't care - something flashed in his eyes but she couldn't quite figure it so she continued taking only the time needed for a breath in - I almost died and all I could think about was you... I just want you.
She gave the kiss another try but he still pushed her away. Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe Richard really didn't want her any more, couldn't forgive her for all she'd said. What wouldn't she give to take a look in his writer's mind and see what he saw, what he wanted. The thought of their... Relationship being over was not something she could handle. Not now, nor anytime soon.
Another couple of tears found their way out just when she saw something in Castle's eyes that gave Beckett hope.
Her fingers hesitantly touched his lips. For once Beckett's heart and mind were in harmony and wanted just the man in front of her.
Another thunder crashed. The seconds it took him seemed like days and years of waiting. And then, in an instant moment the fire hiding behing the ice in his eyes came alight.
Castle kissed her passionately, his body strong against hers pressuring untill she got caught between him and the door. The heat in every kiss was rising higher. It was as if he was kissing her for the last time, giving everythng away. He gently bit her lower lip and the young woman moaned. His tongue found it's way, exploring her mouth and a second after that it was going down her neck. His hands were all over her body sending waves of long hidden desire. She wanted him so bad...
His lips continued down, stopping before her buttoned blouse. He drew himself away, looking at her with eyes filled withe desire and uncertainty. At once she knew what had stopped him. His breath was heavy, hot and sweet against her skin at the same time.
- You can look - she whispered, realising she'd lost her ability to speak louder. What was more, she wanted him to look, wanted him to know she was giving all of her.
Slowly, his fingers unbuttoned the top of her wet shirt revealing the skin under. Pale, soft surface disbalanced only by the scar with nearly round shape right where her heart was. She'd hated it for months before she'd gotten over the flashing memories of the day of the shooting.
Beckett took his hand in hers and put it on the scar and over her heart gently kissing him in the while. Castle pulled her closer in his arms, his fingers still gently examining her skin, feeling her heatbeat underneath.
Tearing apart from each other, they looked in their eyes. Castle's were still amazed, but she'd never seen them happier. She smiled feeling a little dizzy from the emotions and saw him smiling back. Her hand found his, holding it tight.
Beckett realised there wasn't a thing in the world that would make her happier. Not now, not ever.