Chapter Text
Friday, 12 February: Late Night
There was a list of things that Goro Akechi had begrudgingly come to accept about the Phantom Thieves.
One of the biggest sticking points on the list was that, no matter how much Goro himself might have disagreed, the other Phantom Thieves thought that he was one of them. As such, they decided all major decisions that impacted the group also impacted him, regardless of his own personal feelings towards the matter. This inane type of kindness terrorism was unwelcomed and unliked, but the Phantom Thieves possessed more tenacity than a hoard of roaches. Goro found himself slowly, mortifyingly become a genuine part of the group over the years. His walls, which he spent years building out of necessity and then reinforcing for survival, were worn gently away by an unrelenting tide of human decency and kindness.
Goro was not pulled into their group kicking and screaming so much as he was gently eroded into it. By the time he realized what was going on, he had settled like sediment into their ranks, and it was too late to do anything about it.
Another point on the list was that the Phantom Thieves had an uncanny tendency to create chaos. They were never going to top the chaos that was generated during the peak of their popularity, but that didn't stop them from trying.
A simple group outing to an art gallery resulted in a mad paint-off between Yusuke, a rival artist, and Ren's joke pick of Morgana. Morgana had ended up winning—proving to Goro that modern art was a fraud—and the ensuing chaos resulted in Ren, Ryuji, and Futaba getting banned from the gallery for life.
A planned yozakura was prematurely terminated when Ann ran into a few of her modelling friends. Somehow that led to Futaba getting stuck in a tree, Morgana, Haru, and Mika getting stuck in another tree, and the entire combined group of thieves and models nearly getting arrested for arson.
A trip to the beach ended before they even made it to the beach, because when Makoto's vehicle broke down, their grand solution to the problem was to have Morgana steal car parts from another car. Unethical as it was, that only escalated when it turned out that the car Morgana had stolen from belonged to the new Chief of Police—a man whom Goro had worked with in the past and would definitely remember who Goro was if they saw each other. Goro had ended up under several layers of beach towels and various beach paraphernalia, forced to lie still as Makoto drove like traffic laws were a suggestion rather than a rule in order to evade the police.
Sometimes, Goro hated the Phantom Thieves a little.
Most of the time, though, Goro could admit to himself that he liked them just enough to tolerate them. Maybe enough to actually enjoy spending time with them. Which led to yet another point: Goro doubted that half of the Phantom Thieves actually possessed working brains, but he could not deny that they were good and caring people at heart. Sure, they were rough around the edges, prone to acts of delinquency and petty crime, and had a knack for getting into trouble with law enforcement, but they were certainly better than the people Goro had spent time with before.
As it turned out, hanging around people who weren't trying to take over the country via means of murder and manipulation did wonders for his mental health. And even if the Phantom Thieves did occasionally cause him undue amounts of stress with their penchant for trouble, it was still leagues better than the sort of stress he was under before.
Which led to the point on the list Goro was repeating to himself as he gazed with despair upon the messages in the new group chat that he was invited into at 11:49 at night.
The Phantom Thieves had no concept of time management.
"They have no concept of time management," Goro said to himself through gritted teeth. "None at all."
Ann: Hey everyone! This is the "planning for Ren's surprise birthday party at the last minute" group chat!
Ann: DON'T INVITE REN INTO IT
Ryuji: oh shit
Ann: RYUJI
Ann: ARE YOU SERIOUS
Ryuji: i didn't do anything! just almost replied to the wrong chat
Makoto: This is already starting off on a very promising note.
Makoto: Everyone, Ann and I were talking earlier about how Ren didn't seem to have plans for his birthday, and since it's falling on a Saturday, we thought it would be a nice idea to arrange a surprise party for him that afternoon.
Haru: That sounds wonderful! I would be glad to help, and I can provide any monetary or travel assistance.
Futaba: Niiiiice. We got ourselves a sweet patron!
Yusuke: That sounds delightful. I myself have been caught up in the waves of a rather distressing bout of artist's block. Perhaps being among the chaos of the group to celebrate Ren's arrival to the world is just the magic I need to be rid of it.
Futaba: Maybe that's how we could get Ren away from Leblanc. Yusuke, tell him you want to paint him nude at your place!
Ann: Uhhhhh...
Yusuke: A nude painting of Ren... Yes, an excellent idea! And the completed piece could serve as my birthday present to him as well.
Makoto: I'm not sure if that's the best idea, honestly...
Ryuji: he might agree to be nude, but i don't think he's the kind of guy that wants a naked painting of himself for a present
Haru: A nude painting of Ren might sell well, though. I do know of some art collectors who like that sort of thing.
Ann: UHHHHHHHHH
Goro: Forgive me for dragging the conversation back on topic, but what, exactly, is the current plan for Ren's surprise party?
Ann: That's what this chat's for! We don't have a plan.
Goro: You are aware that his birthday is technically in less than ten minutes?
Ann: That's why we're planning to have the party later in the day!
Makoto: It's not ideal, but this is very last minute. I don't think Ren would want a big production, so I was thinking of something small and easy to put together. A cake, of course, but perhaps also some food? Futaba, could you ask Boss if we could take over Leblanc and use the kitchen in the evening?
Futaba: I mentioned to him that we were gonna plan a surprise party, and he gave in and let us have free reign before I could even ask! Leblanc's all ours! So let's get thinking about what to make!
Ryuji: don't ask me. i don't know how to cook, so i shouldn't decide
Yusuke: Anything would be wonderful, so long as there is plenty of it.
Ann: Ooo, crepes! Or maybe macarons?
Makoto: We're going to have a cake, Ann. Also, I don't know if we have the skills or equipment to make those things.
Haru: I have a crepe pan at home! I am not quite skilled enough to make them, however.
Futaba: Hang on, does anyone here other than Makoto know how to cook?
Ryuji: nope
Yusuke: Cooking is an art I have yet to grasp.
Ann: Not really?
Haru: I'm afraid I only have the very basics down...
Goro: Cooking requires more delicate work with a blade than I am capable of.
Futaba: Makoto, it's up to you to save us all.
Makoto: ...I see... I'll prepare a menu by tomorrow, then. Who wants to be in charge of decorations?
Yusuke: I, of course, am the only correct choice.
Futaba: I'll babysit.
Yusuke: Excuse me?
Ann: Great! Futaba and Yusuke's in charge of decorating Leblanc!
Yusuke: I do not understand what you meant by proclaiming that you are going to 'babysit' me, Futaba. Do you doubt my artistic skills? How recent is this development?
Ryuji: oh no. he's gotten started
Futaba: Mweheheheheh!
Ryuji: don't creepy laugh about it!
It was at that point Goro muted the group chat and pulled up the covers over his head. In the complete darkness beneath his comforter, he watched as the time on his phone slowly turned to midnight.
Goro unlocked his phone and swiped away the group chat, which had exploded with another 128 messages in the few minutes since he'd muted it. He pulled up an individual message thread and stared at it for a few seconds before slowly typing in a single sentence:
Goro: Happy birthday.
Ren: You're the first one to wish me happy birthday. Congratulations on winning.
Goro: Oh? What have I won?
Ren: Morgana telling you to go to bed.
Goro: That is an incredibly shitty prize.
Ren: Winners can't be choosers? If it helps, he's telling me the same thing. Except I have to put up with his actual voice and him taking swipes at my hands trying to knock the phone away.
Goro: He's just a cat. You don't have to put up with anything from him if you don't want to.
Ren: If I didn't know it before, this would be how I learned you never had a cat in your life.
Ren: also obligatory "I'm not a cat" from Morgana
Goro: Good night, Ren and his cat.
Ren: why would you do that he just screamed in my ear
Goro went to sleep with a smile on his face and the most important point from his list on his mind:
The Phantom Thieves may have successfully stolen his heart without need of the Metaverse, but it was Ren Amamiya who kept it.