Chapter Text
First Officer’s Personal Log. Stardate 49694.2 -
I shouldn't have done it. That much I know. I'm not sure what compelled me to do it, why I even for a moment thought it was a good idea, but apparently I did.
I'll start at the beginning where most stories begin.
The Captain…Kathryn….had been having a nightmare. A bad one by the sounds of it. It hadn't been the first time I'd noticed her having one since we've been on New Earth, but usually she wakes herself up, lays in her cot for a few minutes, and then drifts back to sleep. Last night was different though.
Last night I couldn't sleep and while I was laying there staring up at the ceiling of our house - it's still odd referring to it as 'our house', but that's more or less exactly what it is- but anyway....I was laying there and suddenly I heard a noise. It was almost like a grunt, a pained grunt, but softer. Then came the thrashing. It was at that point, when I heard her moving around so much in bed, that my instincts told me something wasn’t right. So I got out of bed and I rushed over thinking something was wrong. That monkey of hers could have gotten in and was attacking her for all I knew.
There had been something wrong alright. I'm still not sure if I want to know what it was that she had been dreaming about. The look of pain...of distress....that I saw on her face broke my heart in half. I'd never seen her look so vulnerable. I doubt I ever will again.
One of her hands was clutching the side of the mattress and the other was clutching the blanket, holding it close to her chest. I'll never forget it. The sight, every detail of it, will be etched in my mind forever. I'd never wanted to hold someone so much before in my entire life. I just wanted to take her pain away.
I must have stood there looking like an idiot for at least a full minute. She'd continued to squirm on the cot, her face scrunched up in that pained expression, and once in awhile a whimper would escape. If she'd been even somewhat conscious I have no doubt she’d berate herself for showing so much of her inner turmoil.
I did the only thing I could think of. I knelt down next to her bed and took the hand that'd been gripping the cot in mine. I called her name, but she didn't wake up. Then I put a hand on her forehead and she calmed a little, but it didn't last. I remember....I ran my hand through her loose hair then.
Oh that hair. I've always wanted to touch her hair, to feel it between my fingers. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time because I was so focused on getting her calmed down, but looking back I can almost feel the soft strands brushing against my fingers. It's pathetic, but I know that if I ever get the chance to touch that hair again I'm going to take the time to memorize every detail of it.
I kept calling her name softly, but she never did hear me. At one point she muttered something in her sleep. I can't be sure what it'd been. It had sounded like 'dassian' and my mind, so accustomed to the word and the bile that usually goes with it, automatically turned it into 'Cardassian', but I'm not sure if that was what it'd been meant to be.
I hope it wasn't. I fervently hope that she wasn't having a nightmare about Cardassians. If she was then it would imply something that I never want to even consider. She's too....I don't know....too perfect for those monsters to lay a hand on. I don't want to think of that remarkable woman having to endure such a nightmare.
Maybe it'd been my mind's defense against the thought of her suffering at the hands of Cardassians, or maybe I'd been more sleep deprived than I thought, or maybe I just don't have as much emotional control as I'd like to think. Either way...I kissed her.
Kathryn Janeway. My captain and my friend. Without really thinking about it I had leaned over and kissed her. Her lips were as soft as I'd thought they'd be. It only lasted a second and then my common sense kicked in.
It worked though. She had stopped thrashing and groaning and the pained expression had even slackened. She'd been breathing deeply once again and I can't even describe the relief I felt at knowing she was still asleep and hadn't woken to find me kissing her without her permission.
At least I hope she was really asleep.
Then again I'm still alive so that would suggest she doesn't know.
As pathetic and cruel and selfish as it is though.....I almost hope she has another nightmare so I can comfort her again. Even just holding her would make me happy at this point.
She'll be back from checking those insect traps soon and I'd really rather not have her hear this log. If I don't make another one it probably means she's found out about the kiss and is using me as an insect trap. Somehow it'd still be worth it.
End log.